This Glassy Surface
by DustyMonkey
Summary: Alex/Olivia Alex/Casey Olivia and Alex are happy together until Olivia leaves Alex alone and heartbroken. Alex falls into a relationship with Casey and is happy until Olivia returns a year later and wants her back. Who will Alex choose?
1. Chapter 1

**This story is just a little idea I have had bouncing around in my head for awhile. It's a little side project, and not related at all to my other story "Close Your Eyes But Don't Sleep". This is an Alex/Olivia story, with a twist of Alex/Casey. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea, but I promise the story will be good :) To summarize it - Alex and Olivia are a happy couple until Olivia takes a job out of state and leaves Alex alone and heartbroken. Alex finds comfort and even love in her friend Casey Novak and they fall into a happy relationship...until Olivia returns almost a year later. Who will Alex choose? And what happens along the way? If you want to know, read :)**

**The timeline on this story is the current season. Witness protection, Alex going to the Congo and Casey being censured all happened. And I made up my own reason for Casey and Alex both being ADAs at the same time, since the show failed to explain to us why they were both back.**

It's amazing how quickly and how much your life can change.

A little more than a year ago I was in the Congo working for the International Human Rights Court. Stepping out of my city world and ending up smack dab in the middle of prosecuting sex offender war criminals almost a world away is quite a cultural shock. Dealing with sex offenders and their victims is nothing new to me, but doing it on as large a scale as I did in the Congo was something differently entirely. I worked with a team of prosecutors from all over the world and sometimes we tried as many as twenty offenders in a single week.

I learned a lot about international law in that year, and also worked hard to learn the local dialects used in the Congo. They speak a lot of French in that region which I already knew a lot of, but I also learned a little Swahili and Lingala. I love to confuse Olivia by suddenly switching tongues and saying something to her in one of those languages. She usually always gets irritated with me, which encourages me to keep it up longer.

The best change in my life is that I am back with the love of my life, Olivia Benson. I have never been happier in my entire life. Olivia and I are soulmates; every day I wasn't with her that year I was away I ached for her touch. We kept in constant contact via email and even phone calls, but it was never the same as actually being able to touch each other, hold each other tightly. We couldn't kiss each other or make love. Many nights I cried myself to sleep because of what I dealt with on a daily basis and the fact that Olivia wasn't there to hold me at night.

Olivia had waited for me, which is amazing. We'd been together for three years before I decided to spend a year in the Congo. Olivia hadn't wanted me to go and was concerned for my safety but at the same time understood what it is was I wanted to do and why I wanted the experience. She lost me before to witness protection and didn't want to lose me again. But she understood this was different. So she had allowed me to go, promising she'd still be mine when I returned, as long as I was still hers.

We both kept our promises.

Olivia is having a tough time at work. Elliot's departure hit her quite hard. He was her best friend and I always felt safe when she was out on a job with him. He protected her fiercely, as if she were just as precious to him as she is to me. She tells me that it feels empty without him and she isn't sure it's ever going to be the same again. Her new partner, Nick Amaro, transferred to the Special Victims Unit from Narcotics and he's having a bit of trouble finding his stride. Olivia hadn't exactly welcomed him with open arms; mainly because he's the anti-Elliot. I have had my share of horn locking sessions with him as well, but overall I get the feeling that he's a good, capable detective that needs time to adjust to the transition from the gritty world of Narcotics to the SVU.

One of the biggest changes is my work situation. I was reinstated as Special Victims ADA after my return from the Congo eleven months ago. Around the same time, the DA's office re-hired Casey Novak after a three year suspension of her law license and assigned her to work with me. Well technically under me. I'm her supervisor; I have direct orders to read all her reports and supervise her cases. So basically I'm a glorified babysitter. However, her probation ends in a little over a month and I'm confident I'll be able to lose my babysitter title then. I haven't had a single instance where she didn't do something properly or completely.

At first I was furious with this arrangement. I couldn't believe the DA's office would re-hire someone who lost their license as a result of committing a Brady violation. I didn't want to have to babysit anyone. The first couple of months were pretty awkward. We've been made to share an office, and I don't do well with other people's clutter in my way. We were constantly at each other about something, usually me being the instigator. But I gave Casey a fair chance, and she has worked hard to gain back the department's trust. She knew she had a lot to prove and she's proven it. It's actually nice to have someone to help with the caseload; I find myself getting out a decent time every evening, something that never happened before.

And when I started to back off Casey a little and started to get to know her, I realized I liked her a lot. She's dedicated and driven just like me; we share the same kind of work ethic. We've even started to be social outside the office a little; Casey has gone for drinks with Olivia and I several times and we're talking about going for a bike ride together.

I thought that was where the changes ended, at least for now. After all, I was back with my girl and back in the job I loved in the city I loved. Olivia and I had fallen back into our old lifestyle and habits as if it had never been disrupted. We're as happy – if not happier – than we were before I went away. What could possibly change to throw us into an upheaval again?

It was a Tuesday afternoon that I found out about our next change.

Olivia had gotten off work early and left me a message on my voicemail at the office letting me know she needed me to come home as soon as possible because she had something to discuss with me. This naturally made me feel uneasy, as Olivia _never _gets off work early unless something has happened. I had asked Casey to cover for me the rest of the day and went home to me and Olivia's apartment right away.

I had found Olivia sitting on the sofa with the TV off, wearing the same clothes she had worn to work that morning, just staring off into the distance. She appeared to be physically fine, but I could tell immediately that something was wrong.

She didn't become aware of my presence until I had called her name, and then she stood and wrapped her arms around me, holding me closely like she always does when I come home.

But it felt different this time. It felt hesitant and almost…insincere.

"What's going on?"

Olivia had taken both of my hands and guided me down to the sofa with those words. The serious stoic look on her face chilled me to the bone. Whatever was going on, I knew I wasn't going to like it.

She began talking slowly and gently, as if I were a child that had to have everything explained to me. "Alex…I received an opportunity today. A chance for career advancement."

My face immediately lit up and the dread I had been plagued with since I received her message dissipated in an instant. This was _good _news! I had smiled my widest and hugged her tightly. "Liv, that's fantastic! What is it? A promotion?" She deserved a promotion; hell, she deserved to be Captain!

Olivia forced a smile and swallowed harshly. "Yes, actually, but it's not what you think. It's at a different precinct."

I had understood then why that upset her. Despite Elliot being gone, she still loved working with her squad. She loved the 1-6 and all the people there. It had been her home for so long. It was going to be tough to give that up.

"What precinct?"

Olivia had hesitated a full minute before she told me. And when she did, it was _my _turn to be speechless.

"In Sacramento California."

I had sat there dumbly, staring at her with my eyes wide, not believing what I had just heard come out of her mouth. Did she say California? How on earth was she offered a job in California?

I hadn't had to wait long to receive my answer. "It's a supervisory position for a homicide squad. All days and no nights or weekends. It's actually a set schedule."

"Why California? Did you apply for it?"

Olivia had looked away from my guiltily before answering. "Yes, I applied online a couple weeks ago. I didn't think I would get it, Alex."

I hadn't known what to say. I was hurt. Beyond hurt, actually. Olivia hadn't told me this at all. I was unaware she was even looking for a new job.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Alex…like I said, I didn't think I would get it."

"Did you accept it?"

She closed her eyes before she answered. "Yes."

I felt my heart drop even further. "Why are you looking for a new job? Are things really that bad with Amaro?"

Olivia had sighed and gotten up off the sofa and started to pace in front of me. "Alex, there have been so many changes…since Elliot left, I don't feel my heart in in SVU any more. I need to make a change. Like you did, when you went to the Congo."

"I took a temporary job there, Olivia, and I had enough respect to discuss it with you first before I officially committed to it!"

We were both upset and I knew the conversation wasn't going to go in a good direction, but that hadn't dissuaded us.

Olivia had tears in her eyes when she finally turned around to face me again. "I need to do something for _me_, Alex. For once."

I felt my own tears start to fall as I stood and took a step toward her, intending to wrap her in my arms. But she had taken a step back away from me and my heart plunged all the way down to my feet again.

"Olivia – what about _us_?" My voice was small and unsure and I barely recognized it as my own. I knew I couldn't uproot myself and move across the country. I had a career I was committed to and I had responsibilities. It was wrong of her to expect me to do that. "I can't go with you…"

Her next words had nearly broken me. "I wasn't going to ask you to."

The tears sprang to my eyes quickly. I'm not a frequent or easy crier, but that simple statement started a waterfall of tears that I couldn't stop. "Olivia…what are you saying? You don't want me to go with you?"

I had seen the tears shining in her eyes but she was somehow holding them back. Her face was set in a stony expression and I could tell it was taking a lot for her to hold herself together. "No, I don't. I know you can't go with me. It's too much to ask of you."

"But Olivia, we can still _be_. We can make it work. Long distance relationships suck, but we can do it." I had been desperate, grabbing at straws.

But her expression never wavered. "No. We _can't, _Alex. Part of this change I need to make is us too. I need to start over. We've been through so much…you going into witness protection, then going off to the Congo, Elliot leaving…for the first time in my life I feel things are unstable and I don't have footing. I walk around every day wondering what's going to happen next."

"Liv – "

She had thrown her hands up in the air and turned away from me. "It's better this way. We can both move on."

The tears hadn't stopped and I desperately grabbed her arm and tried to turn her around to face me so she could see how much she breaking me. But she wouldn't turn around. So I used words instead, in a desperate attempt to stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. "Liv, you don't have to do this. You _can't _do this. You can't break up with me, not when we've been through so much together. I – I love you, Olivia. Don't you love me?"

She had finally turned around upon hearing my question. The tears were still there and still unshed. Then she said the cruelest, most horrible words I have ever heard. "Not the way I used to, Alex. I'm sorry. I don't love you in that way any more."

Even though I knew she was using stern words to cover her own hurt, and only made mine worse.

She had told me she was leaving the next morning, and that she had already packed what little items she wanted to take with her to her 'new life'. I could keep the rest.

I had desperately pleaded and grabbed at her as she headed towards the door with her bags, declaring my love and dedication to her, telling her I couldn't live without her. I searched for any combination of words that would weaken her enough to make her stop.

But I never found them.

She had finally allowed the tears to fall down her cheeks when she reached the door. She left me with only, "Goodbye, Alex. I hope you find happiness. Take care of yourself."

And then she was gone, and I collapsed onto the floor and rolled myself into a ball. I cried for hours, harder than I thought was possible. I cried until I was hiccupping and felt sick. And then I could lie on the floor on my back staring up at the ceiling, wondering why this was happening to me.

That was four days ago.

I haven't left the apartment since. I took a week's vacation; I can't face anyone, not right now. Not when they all know. I can't deal with their looks or their sympathies.

I've called Olivia every day. She doesn't call me back.

I now know what it truly feels like to have a broken heart. To be so completely shattered and devastated that you know you will never be whole again. Never trust anyone again.

So I just curl up on the sofa again and wait for the next round of tears to consume me.

**Everything happened quickly, I know. Just setting the stage here. Review and tell me what you think so far. Even if you hate the idea...I want to know!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the feedback thus far! Glad some of you are enjoying this. Enjoy the next chapter**

The next several days pass slowly and painfully.

I don't leave my apartment for five days. I take a week's vacation from work. McCoy isn't happy with me for taking it on such short notice, but I don't care. I can't work right now. Whenever I think I'm going to be able to function normally and I force myself to get out of bed and go to the kitchen or try and watch TV, something will remind me of Olivia and I'll find myself consumed with grief again and I'll collapse into tears and cry myself sick.

I lie in bed all day long, screening every call I get and answering none of them. Right now Alex Cabot doesn't exist. Right now she's dead. The outside world can't get to her.

I can't eat. I have no appetite and when I do force myself to eat, I can't keep anything down. Every time I lean in front of the toilet and empty my stomach, I long for Olivia to be there. She used to rub my back for me as I got sick, and then she'd take me back to bed and hold me in her arms. Warm. Secure. Loved. Everything I'm not now.

It's hot outside but I'm chilled to the bone. My soul is frosted over. Nothing I do will warm me. I take showers so hot I can barely stand it and I swaddle myself in my fleece bathrobe, but none of that helps. My body misses the feel of Olivia's body pressed against it, misses the heat and love she used to radiate.

And so do I.

It doesn't help that Olivia is everywhere in the apartment. She left some clothes and personal items behind. Every morning when I see her hairbrush and her toothbrush in our bathroom I burst into a fresh set of tears. Her pillow on our bed still smells like her perfume. And her voice is still on the voicemail greeting for the home phone. It says, "You've reached Alex and Olivia." Which is only half true now. But I know I'll never delete it.

I've called Olivia every day since she's been gone. I beg and plead, tell her I love her and I can't live without her. She never answers but I leave her a message. And every time I disconnect the call, I feel my pride fall away and I'm ashamed of myself.

On the fifth day I've moved past complete and total sorrow and desperation and allowed myself to welcome anger in.

How could Olivia just walk out on me, after all we have been through? We loved each other so much. Thinking of her and knowing I would be home to her someday is the only thing that got me through every day in Wisconsin. I would look at my favorite pictures of us together and cry and yearn for her touch, because I knew she belonged with me. Olivia belonged with Alex. Only I wasn't Alex there; I was Emily, and Olivia didn't belong with Emily. _No one_ belonged with Emily. I had never been so alone and sad in my life.

Until now.

I know Olivia has gotten my messages. There's no way she couldn't have. I'm upset and crying and begging her to come back, and she chooses to ignore me. She ignores the sorrow and heartbreak in the voice of the woman she was supposed to have loved and just deletes the message. Deletes it like I never meant anything to her at all.

Maybe I didn't. Maybe I've been a fool all these years. Maybe Olivia only stayed with me out of habit and familiarity. Maybe she felt obligated to wait out my time in Witness Protection and in the Congo. Maybe she never loved me at all.

And that thought - the thought this all could have been an insincere act - hurts me more than Olivia actually leaving.

Will I ever find anyone who _truly _loves me?

So on the afternoon of the fifth day I force myself out of bed and focus all my energy into being angry - no, furious - at what Olivia did to me. I fill three cardboard boxes that I find in the hallway closet with Olivia's clothes and what little personal items she left behind. I threw each item into the box angrily, feeling more liberated the fuller the boxes get.

Olivia left all her jewelry behind - except the bracelet I gave her last Christmas. It was a silver tennis bracelet with charms that represented every aspect and journey of our lives together. Olivia had loved it, and had cried and hugged me tightly, promising her loyalty and love over and over again.

All lies. Complete lies. And I believed them.

After I've filled the boxes, I call my building maintenance man, Floyd, and ask him to come up and get the boxes. I can tell he wants to ask me why I'm getting rid of clothes and jewelry, but he knows better than to ask. I tell her to take the boxes to Goodwill or just get rid of them. I don't care either way.

Word will get around the building soon that Olivia is gone. Everyone here knows her. All the neighbors, the doorman, the girls that work the front desk…they all know Alex and Olivia. Or, I should say, they _did _know Alex and Olivia.

I gather up all the photos of Olivia and the two of us together that I can find. I go through every photo album we have, not missing a single one. The ones that hang framed on our walls I take down completely.

I delete all our pictures from my phone and computer, and replace the wallpaper on my laptop. It used to be a photo of the two of us together, our arms around each other, smiling happily and proudly. Now it's a cute picture of a kitten that I downloaded off the internet.

I intend to throw the pictures away and thereby erase every trace of Olivia that ever existed in the apartment. But when I lift the top to the trash can, I can't do it. My hand freezes in place, squeezing the stack of photos tightly.

I can't just throw them away. Even though she's gone and I know now that I meant nothing to her, she still meant something to me. She was still a part of my life for a long time.

So I put them in a shoebox in my bottom drawer and try to forget about them.

* * *

><p>On my first day back at work, everyone regards me with tentative smiles. All I hear is, "Welcome back, Alex," "We missed you, Alex," and other equally meaningless words.<p>

I curtly thank everyone for their wishes and concerns but make it clear that I don't sympathy or even questions about Olivia leaving. I'm sure everyone knows. I'm sure I'm the talk of the DA's office.

My secretary, Becka, smiles at me and stands as I approach. "Miss Cabot…how nice to see you! I'm so sorry to hear about…your situation."

I sigh. I'm tired of being reminded of my "situation" everywhere I go. "I appreciate that, Becka, but I'd like to stick to business as usual. Do I have any calls?" My tone is harsher and more condescending than I mean it to be.

But Becka is pretty unfazed by my harsh words. She's worked me long enough now that she's immune to my mood swings.

In a confident and sure voice void of any other emotion, Becka says, "Miss Novak as been handling all of your calls for the past week."

I excuse myself to the safety and privacy of my office. It's nine AM on a Tuesday and I'm certain Casey will be in court right now. Tuesday mornings are normally very busy court days. So I'll have some privacy…at least for awhile.

But Casey isn't in court. She's sitting at her desk on her laptop and looks up when I enter. She seems surprised to see me but gives me a smile anyway.

I pause just inside the door, trying to hide my disappointment and resentment for her being here. I force myself to put on an expression resembling a smile and nod at her before going over to my own desk.

"Welcome back," Casey says, shutting the lid to her laptop and standing up. After some difficulty, she finishes her sentence. "And…I'm sorry to hear about Olivia."

I hope Casey doesn't catch the pained expression on my face at the mention of Olivia's name as I quickly tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and sit down. Tucking my hair behind my ear is a nervous tick I have. I clear my throat and manage to say, "Thank you. I appreciate that." I am desperate to change the subject and I find my opportunity when my eyes wander to a stack of folders on my desk. "Anything I need to be caught up on?"

Casey gets the point that I have no interest in discussing my personal life right now and quickly falls in stride with me. She gestures to the folders I'm looking at. "I've tried to keep everything organized to your satisfaction. Our current cases are summarized there, and I made a copy of all my notes and email correspondence regarding all present cases on your computer."

I flip over the first file I find. I've only been out for a week and I already feel out of the loop. I don't recognize any of the names I'm seeing on the victim's report I'm currently looking at. As I thumb through the first file, everything appears to be in order. All documents are in the proper places and are dated and stamped and I notice that Casey dated and initialed each one in the upper right hand corner. This is something I neglect to do frequently.

Casey notices my impressed expression on my face and I can tell she's smiling without even looking at her. "I think I did an okay job. McCoy was running scared because I've been unsupervised for a week. You wouldn't believe how many times he popped in here. I think he expected to see me with an open box of evidence sitting on my desk and all the seals broken or something equally as illegal."

She's right. He was probably looking for any little thing he could use to get rid of her. But she must have played exactly by the book, because she's still here.

"Everything seems to be in order. You did a great job; thank you."

It's all I can say. I'm not good at giving compliments. And my belief is someone shouldn't be complimented on doing the job they were hired to do. They deserve to be complimented only when they go above and beyond.

The day moves at a fast pace. I spent most of the day ensconced in Casey's files, playing catch up and familiarizing myself with the details of the crimes and the victims. Her notes on my computer are surprisingly well put together, and I even notice that the documents open faster than they used to. She must have de-fragmented my hard drive. I usually neglect to do it myself because I'm so impatient and can't stand the time it takes. I mentally remind myself to thank her for it later.

Casey is gone for most of the day. She had a late morning court appointment and didn't return for several hours afterwards. I assume she was talking to a victim, or maybe meeting the squad. Probably telling everyone I'm back and as bitchy as ever.

As much as I try not to let them, thoughts of Olivia creep into my mind throughout the day. I even find a couple emails from her in my email program that I forgot to delete. And I feel my blood run cold when I open the last one.

It's a picture of the two of us that Olivia had sent me from her phone last week. I stare at it for several minutes, tears welling up in my eyes. All my anger for Olivia fades in that one instant.

It's been a week now but I had already been forgetting the intensity of Olivia's brown eyes, and here they are now, staring at me once more. Staring at me from the past.

It's this moment that Casey proves she has wonderful timing. She walks right in the office, rambling on about traffic without even asking if I'm in the middle of something. She has a bag from the nearby taco place and when she asks me if I want one of her tacos, I snap at her.

"No. Look, I'm in the middle of something here, so could you keep your rambling to a minimum please?"

Casey looks a little shocked by my words but simply nods and sits behind her desk. I don't hear her voice again for nearly twenty minutes.

I've deleted both emails from Olivia and gotten rid of the picture, but all my thoughts are filled with her. I'm suddenly glad I didn't throw out all her photos at home. I never want to start forgetting those brown eyes again. As angry as I am and as much as I'm trying to hate Olivia…deep down I know I won't be able to let her go so easily.

I can feel myself becoming more emotional every passing minute, and a huge headache is starting to rear its ugly head.

Finally, Casey speaks up again. "Sorry to interrupt, but I need you to sign off on this report."

Casey drops a stack of papers down on my desk. At least ten pages. I have no idea what the report is even about, but I know there's no way I can sit here and read ten pages or more. I don't have it in me, not today, not right now.

"I'm sure it's fine, Casey; just turn it in." I look away from the report and back to my computer screen.

"Okay, that's good to know. But you still have to sign off on it."

I sigh in frustration and force myself to look at her. "What have you been doing the past week when I wasn't here to sign off on your work?"

"I was giving them directly to McCoy…"

I nod. "There you go. You didn't have a middleman then, why do you need one now?"

I realize I'm being unfair. Casey was told she had to have me sign off on and supervise all her work, and I was told to do so. She's trying to follow orders and I'm making it difficult, which is unfair. I've always been a firm believer that you shouldn't bring your personal life to work, and here I am letting mine influence my attitude towards my job.

"You're not a middleman; you're my supervisor and I'm supposed to report to you." Casey pauses a moment and then adds, "Could you at least _look _at the report?"

I'm frustrated and past the point of caring now. "Look, just turn the report in. We've been doing this for almost a year now; your work is fine. Turn it in and if there's a problem I'll take the blame and tell McCoy I didn't read it and just told you to turn it in."

I get up from my desk and approach the file cabinet, desperate just to escape this conversation.

"Okay…but I have some others…" Casey's says hesitantly.

I turn my back to her and heave a sigh over my shoulder. "Turn them all in. I don't care."

I know I shouldn't be talking this way and I should do the job I was assigned to do, but my words are true; I _don't _care. Not about anything, not any more.

"Alex, I think – " Casey starts.

I turn around angrily and unload on her. "Just do what I say, god damnit!"

I don't mean to yell to speak so vulgarly but I can't help myself. The words tumble out of my mouth as if they had direct marching orders to do so.

Casey looks at me in shock for a few minutes and then says, "Okay. You're the boss." She grabs her report from my desk and glares at me as she starts for the door.

I'm about to compose an apology when my phone rings. I immediately answer it, not even trying to disguise the frustration in my voice. "Alexandra Cabot."

It's Cragen. They need me at the precinct.

Of course. Here I am frustrated beyond belief and at the end of my emotional rope, not to mention working on a migraine the size of the state, and now the squad needs to see me. At the precinct. Where Olivia used to work. The precinct that I haven't been to since she left me.

I know I can't go there. I'm not ready to see them; not yet. They all no doubt know what happened, and I'm sure word has gotten around that I needed to take a week's vacation to deal with my grief. I can't face them; I can't deal with all the sympathies I know I'm going to receive.

So I sigh and fall into my chair behind my desk, squeezing the phone so tightly my hand hurts. Casey has stopped at the doorway and is watching me. Before even thinking I tell Cragen, "Okay. I'll send Casey. She'll be there ASAP."

The confusion is evident on Casey's face as I hang up the phone but I don't give her time to question me. "Casey…look, I'm sorry for snapping at you. I didn't mean it. I'm just really stressed right now. And I have the worst migraine right now." That's a little white lie; I do have a migraine, but it's pretty minor compared to how they usually are. "Could you go down to the precinct for me?"

She should tell me no, to do it myself. After the way I just spoke to her I deserve for her to turn her back and me and laugh.

But she doesn't. Instead she smiles at me and says, "Sure. I hope you feel better soon."

I'm taken aback. If someone had been so rude to me, I wouldn't be so quick to do them a favor.

I let Casey get halfway out the door before I call her back and take her report from her. "I'll take this to McCoy. Like I'm supposed to do." I manage a smile. "Thank you for helping me out."

**In the next chapter a lot starts to happen. Leave me a review on this one and let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for sticking with me so far! Things are picking up now :) Hope you enjoy this one!**

The next few weeks yield no changes for me.

I fluctuate between being depressed and angry all the time. One minute something will remind me of Olivia and I'll be overcome with sorrow and have to curl up in bed with my blanket pulled over my head, and the next minute something else will remind me of her I'll be so angry I want to put my fist through my wall.

Things aren't going well at work either. I can't keep my mind on what I'm doing and I'm making constant mistakes. Two days ago I mis-filed two major current case files and it took me over an hour to find them, with McCoy breathing down my neck the entire time. I was frustrated and angry with myself and had nearly burst into tears. It's not usual for me to be so emotional. I had been so embarrassed.

And then yesterday I completely forgot about my lunch with the mayor. It was on my calendar in the office but I never penciled it in on my daybook, and so it completely slipped my mind. This too is unusual for me. I usually make sure I sync both calendars to avoid any mistakes like this one. Luckily, Casey had covered for me. I don't even know how she knew about the lunch. She told the mayor I was sick and that I sent my apologies. Well, I guess that's not exactly a lie.

Besides going to work, I haven't left the apartment. I haven't gone grocery shopping in nearly two weeks and the only food in my apartment right now is some milk, granola bars, cereal, bread and lunch meat that is God knows how old. Casey has been trying to get me to go out and get something to eat with her for days now, but I make an excuse to avoid it every time. I tell her I have other obligations, or that I'm not feeling well. Pretty soon she won't ask me any more. And that's what I'm going for. I can't stand to have people pity me.

It's been two weeks to the day Olivia left when I get a message from McCoy on my desk – _See me __immediately,__ McCoy_

Wonderful. It's early in the day and I'm already in trouble. I have a feeling I know why he wants to see me. He wants to tell me I'm way off my game, which I already know. He'll tell me in not so many words to shape up or ship out.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" I peek my head in the door of his office and speak tentatively.

He's sitting behind his desk on his phone but he nods and gestures for me to come inside. I do so immediately, sinking down into the chair across from his desk. I wring my hands together nervously.

It's not like me to get so nervous. I'm usually able to remain calm and collected in any situation. But the fact that I'm going to have to think of a way to explain why I've been so distracted lately has my stomach in knots. McCoy was well aware of my relationship with Olivia and I'm sure he's aware she's gone, but like me he believes in leaving your personal life at home. He won't accept the excuse that I'm lovesick over Olivia.

Once McCoy is off the phone, his attention is immediately on me. He wastes no time with small talk. "Alex, you know I've always held you in high regard and appreciate the strong work ethic you bring to the DA's office. You're the best person I've got, and you know that."

I only nod. I'm not sure how to appropriately respond to that.

"But these past few weeks I have been watching you slip into dangerous territory. You're making careless mistakes, missing meetings, and your overall attitude is cold and distant."

I nod in shame. "I'm sorry, sir. I'm aware of how I'm presenting myself and I'm deeply sorry."

"I know it must have been difficult when Olivia left…and believe me, I can understand why. But that's what your vacation was for, Alex. To deal with these feelings and be able to move past time in a timely manner so you can get back on track. As soon as you set foot back in this building, all those feelings about Olivia should have been left outside. They should not have been brought in with you. When you're here I expect you to be _here_."

I feel more and more ashamed with every word he says. Ashamed of my carelessness, and ashamed that we have to have this conversation at all. This was _never _me. Under even the most extreme pressure I could remain focused and not let it affect my job performance. I could remain _me._

I guess Olivia took that part of me with her, too.

I meet McCoy's eyes, another apology on the end of my tongue. "I have no excuse. I'm sorry. It won't happen again, I assure you."

McCoy nods, and I can tell he's giving me a second chance. He believes me when I say it won't happen again. Which means I have to do everything in my power to keep that promise.

Just when I think McCoy is going to dismiss me, he says, "There's one other thing, Alex. Regarding Casey Novak."

I frown at him, not sure what he means. "What about Casey?"

"Why have you been covering for her?"

I'm not sure what to say. Casey has been covering for _me_. What could he possibly mean?

"I'm not sure I understand, sir…"

"When you couldn't find those case files days ago and you told me you had misplaced them in the file cabinet. Why didn't you just tell me that it had been Casey who filed them? Why did you lie for her?"

I'm really confused now. That _had _not been a lie. I really was the one who did the filing.

"I'm sorry, sir, but that was not a lie. I was the one who filed them incorrectly, not Casey."

McCoy stares hard at me for several seconds before saying, "Casey told me she was the one responsible."

I can't believe it. Why would she say that? She's on probation…why risk losing her job over something as stupid and meaningless as placing files in the wrong place? And why risk getting caught in a lie?

I'm frowning again. "I don't know why she told you that, but it's incorrect. It was me, not Casey. It was _my _mistake."

I can tell McCoy doesn't believe me. He has that disapproving look on his face. "She also told me she neglected to tell you about your lunch meeting with the mayor that had been scheduled while you were on your vacation."

Well, _that _was true; she hadn't told me. But it was on my calendar and I should have seen it. It's my job to check it every day to make sure one of my secretaries or McCoy hadn't changed it or scheduled anything I wasn't aware of.

"That wasn't her job to tell me. It was my job to look at my calendar and I didn't. Missing the lunch was my fault."

"Alex, it's wrong to cover for her. She's aware of the very thin ice she's on with this office. Her probation is very serious. Now of course a filing error is not going to cost her her job, but it doesn't look good either. And you covering for her makes it look even worse. Now I want to know, what else have you covered for her on?"

"Nothing! I swear to you, sir, she's been doing a great job. I haven't covered for her on anything. Not on the filing, and not on anything else either."

But he doesn't believe me. His facial expression says it all. He nods and looks away from me. "That's all for today, Alex. You can go back to work."

I shake my head and get up from my chair, in the grips of disbelief and anger. I've just gotten to the door when McCoy says, "I'll leave you with this – adjust your attitude, effective immediately. And if I ever find out you're covering for Casey again, she's fired and _you're _on probation. Do you understand?"

I nod weakly and make my way out of his office as quickly as possible.

Once I get back to my office, I'm seething in anger. How _dare _Casey lie to McCoy? _Why _would she do it? Didn't she know it would make me look bad, make me look guilty?

I see Casey sitting behind her desk and I slam the office door as hard as I can. She jumps at the sound of it and immediately looks up from her paperwork at me.

I mince no words as I stride over to her and unleash my fury. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Why did you tell McCoy that you filed those case files?"

Casey swallows and looks away from me guiltily. She knows she's caught.

"I asked you a question, I expect an answer!"

After a few minutes she gives me one. "Look…I was trying to help. I know you're having a rough time right now, and – "

"No!" I interrupt her angrily. "Don't you _dare_ use that. Don't you dare try and play the sympathy card on me! I'm not asking for your pity!"

"You don't have my pity. But I see what you're doing. I see how distracted you are. And your reputation is clean. Everybody already knows I'm a screw-up. So what would it matter if they thought I filed something wrong? You still have your perfect record and no one thinks less of me. They _couldn't _possibly think less of me, anyway."

I actually feel bad at what she's just said. It was such a kind gesture, but still so wrong. And does she really think that everyone thinks she's a screw-up?

I feel my anger dissipating and my demeanor growing softer. And I wonder why. Usually when I'm so worked up and upset and unloading on someone, nothing they can say or do will make me soften.

But I feel all my resolve crumbling as I stand in front of Casey's desk and see how bad _she _actually feels.

"That's not true, Casey. No one thinks you're a screw-up."

She scoffs at me. "Please, Alex. Everyone does. McCoy outright hates me, Petrovsky can't stand the sight of me, and even Donnelly gives me the cold shoulder. And as I recall, _you _weren't thrilled about working with me either."

That's true; I wasn't. I had been livid.

"You're right; I wasn't. But I regret that now. You've proven yourself to me. And McCoy doesn't hate you…he gave you a second chance, didn't he?"

"If you can call it that. He made you my babysitter. Do you know humiliating that is?"

I don't, but I can only imagine. If I had lost my law license for three years, I would never set foot in a courtroom again. I'd hang it up. I never would have had the nerve to even try and get my job back. I would consider myself a failure and a disappointment. I couldn't deal with the knowing looks from my colleagues, couldn't stand to see the resentment in their eyes that I betrayed the law and the court and was allowed to come back to that same position I betrayed. I couldn't do it.

Casey has more guts than me. Guts or stupidity, one of the two.

"I'm sure it's a little embarrassing, but so what? You learned your lesson and paid the price for what you did. Everyone deserves a second chance."

Casey nods and I see her look at the clock to the right. "I have to be in court. I'm really sorry if I put you in a bad position with McCoy. I'll tell him I was lying if you want."

I shake my head. That would get her into more trouble. "No. Just forget it. And don't do it again."

This conversation – focusing on _someone else _– has taken all my thoughts about Olivia and my situation away. For a brief moment, I feel _better. _I feel more like the person I used to be.

And then Casey says, "Hey, look…why don't you let me buy you a drink tonight? It would give us an opportunity to talk. You keep turning me down, and now you kind of owe me. So what do you say? Good drinks, good company?"

I should tell her no. I'm not ready to go out, not ready to do something I used to do with Olivia. I should go home and curl up in bed in self-pity some more. I shouldn't go out with a friend and attempt to have a normal life anymore.

But for some reason I tell her, "Sure. I think I need that."

* * *

><p>I meet Casey at eight at the little pub near my apartment complex, Stan's. It's amazing I actually went through with it. I considered calling and cancelling on Casey a total of five times. I went back and forth about it all evening. But my logic won out – it's a drink and a chat with a friend, it's not going to kill me. Maybe by some miracle it will actually make me feel better.<p>

Casey is sitting at a table in the back near the billiards. She smiles when she sees me approach and stands to greet me.

She's dressed more casual than I am – in blue jeans that are faded, a navy blue tank top and sandals. I chuckle to myself; it would figure that Casey is one of those people who wear sandals with blue jeans.

I can't help but notice how long her legs are. I've always known she was tall, but I never actually _noticed _how long and trim they are. She chose her jeans well; they definitely flatter her.

I feel a bit embarrassed as I slide into the booth across from her. I hope she hadn't noticed me looking at her. I hadn't meant to, really. It was just really hard to _not _look.

"What do you want to drink?"

"Just a Diet Pepsi."

Casey makes a face at me. "Alex, I said I wanted to buy you a _drink_."

"That _is_ a drink. Besides, I have court first thing in the morning."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Fine. Whatever you want. But you're a buzzkill."

We place our drink orders; my Diet Pepsi and Casey's beer. The service is pretty fast and luckily we only have to endure a few moments of awkwardness while waiting for them to arrive.

I feel bad, but I really don't know what to say to Casey. When I went out with her before it was always with Olivia. The three of us would laugh and have a good time…but it was different then. Having three people is kind of a buffer. One on one is completely different.

But Casey doesn't seem to have the same reservations as me, as she has no trouble talking to me. She doesn't appear nervous at all. She makes eye contact with me and talks animatedly using her hands. I sit there and nod and listen.

I don't remember Casey ever being this chatty. It's a little…strange. Like she isn't nervous but at the same time feels she has to keep talking to avoid any awkward silences that may befall us.

But I have to admit, I kind of like listening to her talk. She's telling me stories about when she was in law school, and a few of them actually have me wanting to laugh at loud. They're funny and she tells them so well, with such enthusiasm.

And then finally she directs a question to me. "The first time we met, did you ever think we would be working together seven years later?"

I almost choke on my Diet Pepsi. "_Seven _years? Has it actually been that long?"

I can't believe it…seven years ago I briefly came back from the dead. Seven years ago I walked into Casey's office feeling anger and resentment because it wasn't my office anymore. Seven years ago Olivia held me after almost a year of not being able to.

"Yeah, seven years. It doesn't seem possible, does it?"

"I remember walking into your office with Agent Hammond. I found it so funny, because you had no idea who I was until I told you. I thought you would have at least seen a picture of me or something. The look on your face…it was like you had seen a ghost."

"I _did _see a ghost. Everyone except Olivia and Elliot thought you were dead." I revert my eyes to the tabletop at the mention of Olivia's name and Casey notices. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to say her name."

I force myself to look at her again. "It's okay. I have to get past it, you know? I have to be able to hear her name without falling into a depression."

And I know that's true. I can't go the rest of my life hiding from her memory. It's not fair to me. What kind of life does that leave me?

Casey smiles at me warmly, and I can't help but notice how attractive she really is. Why did I not notice before? Is it because she never smiles at the office? Or because I never cared to notice before?

I mentally scold myself. _Alex, she's your friend. So what if you like her jeans and think she's suddenly attractive. Move on. It doesn't mean anything._

So I ask Casey a question I have been wondering for a long time. "So…what did you think of me when you first met me seven years ago?"

Casey takes another sip of her beer before she answers, as if she needs the liquid courage so she can tell me the truth. "Before or after you insulted me in my office?"

Ouch. I deserved that one. I had been wrong to question her readiness for Connors' trial, and I thought I had made the proper apology for it seven years ago. But I guess not.

"That's fair enough. I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have said what I did. But it was really hard for me…sitting in what used to be _my _office when everyone thought I was dead, talking to the person who replaced me about testifying against the man who shot me and took my life away. It was…awkward, to say the least. But I could have handled it better; I'm sorry."

Casey smiles again. "Alex, you don't need to apologize for something that's ancient history. I understand how you felt. It's how I feel now, working for the DA's office again. I didn't dredge it up to make you feel bad; it's actually kind of amusing, in a way."

I raise my eyebrows. "How is it amusing?"

"Because I was impressed by you."

I find those words absolutely shocking. Impressed with me? Why? I hadn't done anything that would have been considered impressive. "What did I do that impressed you?"

"You had the courage to come back and bail out Elliot and Olivia when you knew they were in trouble. You knew it was dangerous and you still did it because you cared so much. It said a lot about who you are. And you were so brave to face Connors the way you did. I never got a chance to tell you how I felt until now."

I'm grateful for her words. They were meant to lift my spirits, and they have. I actually find myself smiling. "Thank you."

Casey meets my eyes and nods at me. "I meant every word. I know how much Olivia has hurt you. I know she broke your heart. I know you feel like you can never trust anyone again. But it's not true, Alex. You have so much to offer. You will find someone who truly loves you, I promise you that."

I wish I was as sure as she is. But I'm not. Once you're burned all you want to do is stay away from the fire.

I find myself wanting to tell Casey how I feel. I usually do my best to hide my feelings from everyone…but there's something about her that grabs me. So I blurt out. "I keep thinking I want to do something that's the complete opposite of myself. Something unexpected, that Alex Cabot would never do. To prove to myself that I'm still alive and that Olivia didn't take my soul away. Something like rock climbing…or riding a motorcycle."

A smile spreads across Casey's face. "I ride."

"You have a motorcycle?" I ask incredulously.

Casey's expression falls a little. "Well, no…not a 'motorcycle,' actually...it's a scooter." I burst out laughing. She's being so serious that it's actually cute. As soon as I laugh she quickly adds, "It's motorized!"

After my fit of laughter passes, I shake my head. "Novak, you try and fail to be cool."

Casey looks insulted. "Hey! I'm cool. You haven't seen the tunes on my iPod. They're pretty badass."

"Okay," I tell her with another giggle. "First off all, no one says 'tunes' any more. Secondly, you're about ten years over the cut-off age for using the word 'badass' and it's not a word anyway."

"Says you. It _is _a word. The combination of 'bad' and 'ass'."

"It's not in the dictionary."

Casey smiles at me. "You pretentious."

"You're adorable." Those words leave my mouth without my knowledge or permission. I didn't mean to say them, and as soon as I realized I've said them aloud instead of in my head, my face grows five different shades of red. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to say that."

Thankfully Casey doesn't dwell on my stupid outburst and saves me the embarrassment of having to explain it to her. How could I anyway, when I can't explain it to myself? Why _did _I say that? Why was I _thinking_ it?

We're able to fall back into our easy chatter without me embarrassing myself further. I allow myself to have a good time.

And I never once think about Olivia.

**So what do you think of this chapter? Do you like?**


	4. Chapter 4

**I am able to update today because I have had this chapter written for awhile. I have a lot going on personally right now - my grandma isn't well and I am in the process of moving. So it may be a little bit before I can update this again, as well as my other story "Close Your Eyes But Don't Sleep". **

My evening at the bar with Casey gave me a much needed distraction from my current situation. We had a great time. The awkwardness from my "adorable" outburst was quickly forgotten and not dredged up again by either of us, thankfully.

I still don't know why I said that. Why was I even _thinking _it? Casey looked adorable in her jeans and sandals…but it's okay to say that about your friend, right?

And why do I find myself looking at her more than necessary in the office? Admiring the way her red hair falls over her shoulders and sneaking glances at her legs, which are too visible under the skirts she's been wearing lately? Come to think of it, has she always worn skirts so much? Does she know I'm looking at her? Is she _teasing_ me?

Yesterday we both had a meeting at the court house and we walked back to our office. Halfway back, Casey had said in a joking manner, "You need to stop flirting with me. It's way too obvious."

I had blushed deeply and even though she had laughed at me and said she was only kidding, I couldn't bring myself to look at her for the rest of the day.

What is wrong with me? Olivia just left me. She broke my heart, tore it right out of my chest and stomped on it. I was devastated and in a deep state of depression after she left me. Olivia was my other half…and suddenly she was gone. I thought I would never get better.

But Casey makes me feel better. She never talks about Olivia unless I mention it first. She talks about everything else, and makes me laugh the way no has ever been able to make me laugh before. I've gotten to know her better these past few days than I have in the nearly one year we've worked together.

I never knew Casey had a motorized scooter, or loved her iPod so much. I never heard her use words like "badass" or "tunes" inside the office, or even when she went out with Olivia and I. I never knew she was so funny and outgoing.

I've found myself getting lunch with Casey nearly every day now. We've been eating in the office and just talking. Usually I'll work while eating in my office, but Casey's stories require your undivided attention. Today she had a meeting over lunch so I didn't get to eat with her…and I felt surprisingly lonely and sad. I found myself sitting at my desk, consumed with thoughts of Olivia again.

Maybe I have attachment issues. Maybe I attached myself too hard to Olivia and opened myself up for heartbreak. And maybe that's what I'm doing now with Casey; we just started spending time together and suddenly that's all I want to do now.

I find myself thinking of Olivia less and less at work and my mistakes and minor slip-ups have been almost non-existent. She's leaving my life completely, little by little.

But when I get home from work, it's another story. I have my empty apartment all to myself. The apartment I used to live in with Olivia. Her stuff is gone now, but her memory isn't. When I sit on the sofa I remember her next to me, holding my hand while watching a movie. When I shower I remember her with me, scrubbing my back and giggling. When I sleep I remember her warm secure arms around me, sheltering me from the world outside. And when I wake up alone every morning, I want to cry. All the feelings come rushing back and I'm depressed…until I get to the office and Casey makes me smile.

I'm having computer troubles again. This new laptop hates me - there is no other explanation. Either it hates me, or Windows 7 does. I haven't decided yet. But it's constantly closing open documents and freezing up on me. I'm a pretty smart woman and technically-savvy, and I have not been able to figure out this source of this problem in the two weeks I've had the laptop.

It does it again - closes my current document and I lose the affidavit I was currently typing. I slam down on the keyboard in frustration and let out a, "Come on! You piece of junk!"

This rouses a response out of Casey, who had been busily typing on her own laptop. She looks up at me. "What's the problem?"

I sigh. "This new piece of junk. I think there's something wrong with it."

She gets up and comes over to my desk, raising her eyebrows when she sees my computer. "Wow. A Sony Vaio. That's _not _a piece of junk."

I find myself frowning. "It keeps closing my documents on its own and randomly freezing up on me at the most inopportune times. This is my first experience with Windows 7 - maybe I set it up incorrectly."

Casey looks at the screen over my shoulder. "Mind if I try? I'm not that familiar with Windows 7...my laptop _is_ a legitimate piece of junk and still runs Windows XP. But I'll see if I can figure it out anyway."

I assume she's not any more knowledgeable about computers than I am, but what harm could it do to have her try?

"Sure," I surrender; sliding my chair out of the way she can step in and took a look. "You can't hurt it any more than I have."

Casey smiles at me and leans down to look at the screen. As she does so, she brushes her shoulder to mine. I instantly inhale a deep breath and hold it - I got the strangest sensation from that minor, unintended touch. Almost like a spark.

I know there's a logical explanation. Casey probably picked up static electricity walking across the carpet to me and that's what I felt. This is the most likely cause.

That has to be it. What else could it be?

She clicks the touch mouse a few times and does something in the control panel. I can't follow what she's doing because she's doing it too quickly, so I don't try.

I look at her instead. She has star-shaped stud earrings in today. They're small and subtle with stones in the middle. So cute. As I look closer I notice she has a second hole in each ear. I never noticed that before. She never wears more than one earring in each ear at a time. But I guess she wouldn't at work, would she?

A few minutes later Casey looks away from the screen and smiles at me. "I think I fixed it for you. You had the touch mouse sensitivity set to one click. You were probably hitting it with your wrist and not noticing - I did that when I first got mine. You should be good now."

We look at each other for a moment, and the feeling that I got when her shoulder touched mine returns. I can't speak at first. I nod, and then when I'm finally able to speak, I can feel myself blushing. "Thanks."

She probably thinks I'm such an idiot. It's a wonder she wants anything to do with me at all. If I were her, I'd be creeped out by me.

Casey continues to look at me, then she gives me another small smile and clears her throat before standing back up. I notice her playing with her wristwatch nervously and I wonder if she felt the same thing I did.

But if she did, she gives no indication of it. She simply says she was glad she could help and goes back to her desk and sits down.

It takes me almost an hour to finish my affidavit. I have no further computer troubles but I'm still distracted.

And this time it's not by thoughts of Olivia.

* * *

><p>This may be the most awkward and painful moment of my life.<p>

I haven't set foot in the precinct since Olivia left. I made up every excuse to avoid it - sending Casey to cover me, or asking Amaro or one of the other detectives to come to my office to talk to me.

But it's inevitable I had to come back here sometime. It might as well be sooner than later; I may as well get it over with.

I hold my breath as I enter the squad room. I see Amaro seated at what used to be Elliot's desk, and Rollins sitting at what used to be Olivia's.

And that makes me stop dead in my tracks. I had grown accustomed to seeing Amado take over Elliot's space…but I was not prepared to see someone else sitting at Olivia's desk. The desk that had been hers for over a decade.

It's nearly enough to make me turn and walk right back out, but I've already been spotted. Fin says my name, and suddenly Rollins and Amaro are both looking at me. I stand cemented to the floor as if roots have suddenly popped up from the floor tiles and latched onto my feet.

"Long time no see, Counselor."

I force a smile. I know Fin's words are kind and friendly and not meant to resurrect any sad feelings in me, but my breath hitches in my chest anyway and it takes a long to maintain my smile.

He knows what's happened - they all do. Their looks are identical. The sympathy, the internal "Poor Alex" they are saying to themselves. I can almost hear them saying it in unison.

I know I have to pull myself out of this situation before it gets any worse. I have to end the small talk right now.

"Thank you, Fin. It's good to see you all again."

Wow, what a lie. I said it, and I hardly believe it myself. The words are hanging in the air with a flashing neon sign above them that says, "Lies! Lies!" And they all see it.

Rollins smiles at me sympathetically and exchanges a look with Amaro. All lot of words were exchanged in that look and I have a feeling I know what they are. Something along the lines of, "Alex is trying to be so brave. Poor Alex."

"What have you got for me?" I ask, keeping my attention on Fin. Out of everyone here right now he's the one I feel most comfortable with.

He hesitates a moment and then nods at me knowingly. He understands my situation, and the need for me to carry on as usual. I follow him to his desk, where he starts filling me in on his current sexual assault case. Amaro and Rollins wander over and interject here and there in the conversation.

And then it happens. Amaro says it.

"The victim is related to Lea Henderson, who was the victim in Olivia's last case."

Now I'm sure Amaro hadn't meant to just blurt it out. Or maybe he had, and figured that Olivia's name wasn't going to break me.

But it does. I stiffen as soon as her name is uttered, holding my breath to keep from crying. Amaro stops in mid-sentence when he notices my reaction and looks at Fin in concern.

Their six eyes are on me again - judging me and gawking at my exposed broken soul. They hadn't expected Teflon to nearly burst into tears by the mere mention of Olivia.

And I don't know why I feel this way. I haven't thought of Olivia in hours. The last time I talked about her with Casey I didn't almost break down like this. I can look at her picture and not feel this close to the edge.

It has to be the setting - being where she used to work. Standing where we used to stare at each much too long, and where we'd steal a kiss when no one was looking.

Whatever the reason, I'm filled with sorrow again. I force another smile at the squad and excuse myself, telling them I'm late for court. I'm sure they know the truth.

I'm ashamed of myself. Not being able to handle such a minor conflict is not like me. What have I become? I'm pathetic and broken.

It's not until I'm back in my office that I allow the tears to come. Here no one will see me. No one will judge me. No one will know that I'm human like them.

I put my head in my hands and just sob. Sob at the unfairness of it all, at the awful heartbreaking feeling inside me right now. I sob at the loneliness I feel.

And then suddenly, Casey is beside me. I hadn't heard her enter, but I clearly her voice. "Alex - what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Her being here is furthering my embarrassment. I manage to raise my head, wipe my eyes and look at her. I must look a sight - face red with tears running down my cheeks. Casey has never seen me like this before. Besides Olivia, _no one _has.

Casey looks so concerned. She puts her bag down and approaches me, keeping a safe distance to respect my personal space and privacy but also wanting to give me some comfort at the same time. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

I want to scream at her to go away and leave me alone. She doesn't deserve to have to deal with this. It's not fair to her; this is not her problem.

But I don't tell her to go away. I'm broken inside and I yearn for someone to be there for me like Olivia used to be. And I can't believe I've changed that much. I used to shy away from affection from anyone other than Olivia, but right now I crave it. Right now I want Casey with me. I want her to make me feel better, like I know she can.

So I make myself tell her what happened. And when I get to the part where the mention of her name sent me into near-panic, I start to cry again.

This time Casey chances it and steps up right beside me. She puts her hand on my back, not even hesitating to touch me. I guess he assumes because I was able to tell her what happened I will be able to handle her touching me.

And she's right. Just the feel of her hand on my back makes me feel better. She's rubbing small circles soothingly and I try to forget about my sorrow and focus on the comfort that Casey is attempting to offer me.

"I'm so sorry, Alex. I know this is hard, and it sucks. I wish I could make it better for you. I really wish I could make you feel better."

_You do make me feel better, Casey. You distract me and make me enjoy every moment I'm with you. I'm so grateful for you._

This is what I think; but what I actually say is very different. "It's okay, Casey. I'll get through it."

It takes me a few minutes to recover and when my crying spell has finished, I take off my glasses and get a cleaning cloth out of my drawer and wipe them clean before putting them back on. I'm still embarrassed but Casey is smiling at me, and that makes me feel better. She isn't judging me the way others would be.

"Sorry about that. Forget it happened, okay?" I plead with her.

"You are entitled to a meltdown just like everyone else, Alex. You aren't superhuman, even if you think you are."

I'm beginning to realize that.

I snap back into work mode and ask Casey to catch me up with what she's working on. We fall back into the pace of work as if I didn't just break down. It really _is _like it never happened.

"Why don't you come over to my place tonight?" Casey suggests suddenly. "I have something I think you will like. Something _fun_."

That sounds nice, but I'm not in the mood. It feels like a curl on the sofa and read evening is ahead for me. "That's sweet, Casey, but I don't think so."

"Why not?"

And I don't have an answer for her. I consider her question carefully. She makes me feel better, I enjoy her company, I need another distraction - so, like she said, why not?

So I set my face in a smile and tell her, "I'd love to."

* * *

><p>I get to Casey's apartment building a little after seven PM. I flash my ADA badge at the doorman and tell her I'm Casey's colleague and he lets me right up.<p>

The first thing I notice when Casey lets me in is that her apartment is nice and tidy. Not as spacious or modern as mine, but still nice nonetheless. I can tell she's single and lives alone; her place has the air of a one-person apartment. There are very few dishes drying by the sink and in place of a sofa she instead has a loveseat. No one in a relationship would have a loveseat instead of a sofa.

She's wearing her jeans with sandals again, and has her long hair pulled back into a ponytail. She's completely casual and I'm still wearing my work clothes.

Casey gets me a can of soda from her fridge and we sit down at her table. We chat about our day - conveniently leaving out the part about my breakdown. Casey has me laughing within minutes with another story from her law school days.

It's unusual for me to become close to someone so quickly. But I'm so comfortable with her, so at ease. It's amazing how in sync we are. Every minute we spend together I grow more and more comfortable with Casey.

I had been having the worst day. Until now.

"So what do you have that's 'fun'? Just this soda?" I ask.

Casey smiles slyly. "Of course not, my dear. It's something much more exciting than that. But you have to follow me. I can't bring it to you."

I get out of my chair and follow her to the living room. I'm actually scared; this is the girl who has a motorized scooter. It could be _anything_. With what I'm learning about Casey, I wouldn't be surprised if she shows me a pet snake or spider.

But instead she stops in front of her large widescreen TV and opens a compartment under the TV. She comes up with two white controllers - and I instantly know what they are.

I raise my eyebrows. "Really, Casey? Really? Video games?"

"This isn't a video game; it's the Wii. It's interactive and fun. Haven't you ever played?"

I shake my head. Video games…never. I'm way too mature for that. "Um, no. I never felt the urge."

"Well, you don't know what you're missing. I love it. I bought it for the Wii Fitness - it provides a really good workout. But I've grown to really like some of the other games too…like the bowling game. It's really addictive."

"I'm sure I could manage to not get addicted to it," I tell her seriously.

"Don't be so sure. I thought that too. But it's really fun. Honestly." Without another word Casey hands me one of the controllers. "Let's bowl. I'll show you how."

Alex Cabot play a video game? Unheard of. I almost hand the controller back to her, but then I remember what I'm trying to do. Start a new life, just like Olivia. Do new things. Playing the Wii qualifies as something new.

So I accept the controller and Casey starts the Wii up, inserting the game disk. She sits down right on the floor and looks at me. "Okay. So we have to create a Mii for you."

"A Mii? What the heck is that?"

"An avatar that looks like you. We have complete control over it so we can make it look exactly like you." I see a smile creep onto her face again. "Blonde, blue eyes, glasses…basically the nerd look."

If I were sitting next to her I'd smack her playfully right now. "I am so not a nerd."

"Well you've never played a video game. That's pretty nerdy to me." She pats the floor next to her. "Sit down. We'll make your Mii and then start playing."

I sit down next to her, our knees touching. The same feeling from earlier today returns but I refuse to dwell on it.

Casey opens the Mii making program and gets to work creating 'me'. By the time she's finished we're both laughing hysterically. It actually does look like me, but she exaggerated my glasses quite a bit and the Mii looks like a retired librarian.

She saves it, names it 'Alex' and then shows me what her Mii looks like.

I see it and immediately go at her. "Oh! So not fair! Yours looks exactly like you, and you had to butcher the glasses on mine?"

She just shrugs. "If you knew how to make one yourself then you could have done them right. My game, my character."

This woman is so unique. I never knew she was like this. She's nothing like she is at work. She's actually…fun. So laid back and relaxed. I was never like this. Even when I was home I was still working. Researching some legal venue I needed to take, or thinking about a case. I could never separate home and work. But Casey can. And that's amazing.

She starts the bowling game and explains to me about all the controls and rules. We stand up to take our positions and I'm already telling her how stupid this is, that it's not real bowling and the fact that we have to act like it is is just absurd.

"If anyone happens to look in your window and sees us, they'll think we're insane."

"Maybe. Or maybe they'll think we're having _fun_."

Casey goes first and I burst out laughing at her when I see her use her controller like it's an actual bowling ball. I watch her ball roll down the alley on the TV and knock down seven pins. She does it again and gets the rest. The sound effects and graphics are actually very cool. It really is like a real bowling atmosphere.

When I take my turn, I copy Casey's motions. I feel stupid at first, but it actually seems to help your throw by acting as if you're really bowling. But I'm not very good. I only get a total of six pins on my first frame.

We continue taking turns and by the fifth frame I'm still doing poorly but really enjoying myself. We're laughing constantly at how bad I am, and our giggles intensify when Casey gets a bag of Doritos from her kitchen and rips open the bag. The bottom rips as well and the Nacho chips go all over her beige carpet.

I can't believe I'm having so much fun. I never in my life imagined I'd be playing a video game and laughing at a huge mess.

But yet I am, and it feels so good.

**What did you guys think? Do you like this one? Please review and let me know!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! I am glad some people are liking this :) This is my favorite chapter so far - enjoy!**

Things have been okay since I spent time at Casey's apartment a few days ago. I can't believe how much fun I actually had playing the Wii with her. Of course I'll never admit to anyone that I ever played it at all.

I find myself so at ease with Casey and she always does something to make me smile. After Olivia left I thought I was going to be depressed ever…but now I find myself smiling and laughing more and more. Always when Casey is around.

I can't figure this out. I used to dislike having her in my office…now when she's not there I actually find myself feeling a bit sad and slowing down on whatever I'm working on in hopes of Casey coming through the door and chattering about something really unimportant, just so I can listen to her while I'm working. I find it so easy to open up to her. She's the most non-judgmental person I have ever met. I could tell her I went out and bombed a day care center, and she'd ask me why I did it and accept any answer I gave her without judgment and still be my friend.

I don't usually get attached to people I work with in this way. Not even many people outside of work, honestly. I don't _let _myself become attached. I let myself become attached to Olivia and look what happened.

But there's something about Casey. Maybe it's the way she laughs or the cute clothes she wears, or her voice or how she's always smiling around me. It's _something_…and I can't pinpoint what it is. The logical part of me tells me it's a combination of all those things. But the other part of me says not to analyze it and enjoy how she makes me feel.

I've been around people literally all day long, but it's one of my loneliest days since Olivia has been gone. It's my birthday. I've received cards from almost every acquaintance I know and they even have a cake for me in the lounge of the DA's office. My mother and father sent me the most beautiful cashmere sweater and a gift certificate to my favorite store. It should be a good birthday. But none of that puts a smile on my face today

But it's my first birthday without Olivia. Olivia made such a big deal out of birthdays. She would bring me breakfast in bed and go to the coffee place around the corner to get my favorite flavor cappuccino. She'd have a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me on the kitchen table with a really sweet handwritten card. If my birthday fell on a workday, Olivia would bring me lunch in my office. And then after work we would go out dinner, Olivia would give me my gift and then we'd go to the bedroom where I'd receive my _other _gift.

I'll never have that again.

I'm sitting at my desk looking at my court schedule for the next couple of days and feeling sorry for myself when Casey comes in. It's the first time I've seen her all day.

She's wearing a huge smile and marches right up to my desk, holding her hands behind her back. "Happy birthday!"

I immediately feel better and even manage a smile. "Ugh. That was _way _too cheerful. Go out and come back in."

"No. I'm here in now – deal with it. I have something for you." She finally reveals what she's been hiding – a small red gift bag adorned with a green bow.

"You got me a present?" I ask, with a hint of disbelief.

She smiles wider and hands me the bag. "Well, it _is _your birthday. So yeah, I got you a present."

I shake my head at her, fingering the green bow. Giving me a gift is really sweet, but I wish she hadn't. "You didn't have to." Then my curiosity gets the best of me. The bag has a little heft to it. I raise my eyebrows at her. "What is it?"

"Why do people always do that? Ask someone what they got them when they hand them a gift, instead of just ripping it open? Do they really think the person is going to blurt out what they got them before they open it?"

"Well I'd like to know whether or not I'm opening something radioactive or explosive." A smile creeps across my face. "With _you _I don't know what to expect."

Casey sighs. "Okay. It's a bomb. There. Now open it!"

I shake my head again and break the tape seal that is holding the bag closed and look inside.

As soon as I see the Apple logo on the side of the plastic package inside, I know what I'm looking at. It's an iPod Touch. Casey got me an iPod Touch.

I remove the iPod from the bag and look at Casey in disbelief. "You got me an iPod."

Casey just shrugs. "Sorry for not wrapping it. I thought the bag was more economical."

"This is a bit expensive. You didn't have to do this."

"I know. But I couldn't stop thinking of what you told me the other day; how you're so lame that you don't even have an iPod. So I figured I'd remedy that, put you in the same category of coolness as I am."

I go to open the plastic case containing the iPod…only to realize it's already open. I raise my eyebrows at Casey. "You opened it?"

"I figured you probably don't know what good music is, so I took the liberty of putting some stuff on there for you. It's some of my favorite music. Thought it was a good way to start you out."

I am almost afraid to hear what Casey has put on here. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of music she listens to. Everything about her has surprised me so far. It wouldn't surprise me if this iPod contains the exact opposite type of music then what I'd think she'd listen to. For example, I have visions of finding rap or screamo and it will probably end up that Casey likes classical music. Another huge surprise.

Casey seems to be able to read my thoughts, because she says, "Relax. I like _normal_ music. It won't make your ears bleed, I promise."

I go to turn it on but can't seem to find the power switch. I push every outer button I can find but it doesn't come in.

Casey laughs and takes it from me. She places her thumb over the button on the top and shows it to me. "Hold this down to turn it on. Do the same thing to turn it off." She comes around the desk and stands next to me so I can see the screen and scrolls through the different menus. It plays videos too – I never knew that. Shows you how 'with it' I actually am.

Casey is now showing me the app store and telling me how to go online with the iPod, but I've stopped listening to her and chosen to focus on how close her body is to mine. Our shoulders aren't touching but they're close to it and I can faintly smell the perfume she's wearing today. It smells similar to what Olivia used to wear.

"Alex? Did you hear me?"

I shake my head to clear my confused and jumbled thoughts. "What?"

Casey laughs again. "I said here, the tutorial is over. Have fun with it." She hands me the iPod and steps away from me, and then I finally feel myself relax.

I haven't said a word since she handed me the iPod but I watch her walk back towards the door and then turn around again. "I was on my way to court and wanted to stop and give you your gift. I'm glad you like it."

She winks at me before she disappears out the door, and I'm thankful she's gone so she can't see me blushing.

* * *

><p>Two days after my birthday I'm sitting alone on my sofa after work watching a movie on Lifetime when my cell phone beeps, indicating a text message has arrived.<p>

It's from Casey. _Meet me in your parking garage in twenty minutes. I have something fun for you! _

I can't stop smiling as I immediately get up and go to my room to change. The fleece lounge pants and tank top I'm wearing isn't appropriate for a rendezvous in the parking garage.

My mind keeps going over the possibilities – Casey is so spontaneous. What could she have planned?

I'm in the parking garage fifteen minutes later, a few minutes after my arrival someone whips in on a small blue Yamaha scooter. I can tell it's Casey immediately – the long red hair kind of gives her away.

She stops short of me, pops off her helmet, kicks down the kick stand and climbs off the scooter, grinning at me. She motions to it and says, "Your chariot awaits."

"There is _no way _I am getting on that thing."

I am Alex Cabot, and Alex Cabot won't be caught _dead_ tooling around the city on a motorized scooter. No way, no how. Casey can get abandon this crazy idea right now.

"It's really fun, and you need to do something that's actually _fun _for once. Sitting at home reading doesn't count as fun."

It does to me. Since Olivia left, that's my perfect evening. A nice book and an early bedtime.

"I played Wii with you and we went out for drinks. That's enough excitement for me."

"Alex." She drags out the syllables in my name. "Come _on_."

"I have plans tonight." It's an outright lie and I know Casey isn't going to buy it, but I try anyway.

And of course I'm right - she completely dismisses what I've just said. "What plans? Reading chapter nine-hundred of your three-thousand page novel? No. You need to go out. I said I was going to show you fun and I meant it." Without waiting for me to reply Casey grabs the blue helmet and tosses it to me. "You can wear my helmet. So come on."

I stand there holding the heavy bulky helmet in my hands. Alex Cabot would never put it on, and Alex Cabot would never get on that bike. Alex Cabot would tell Casey to go home and retreat to her apartment where she would pour over paperwork for the next day's trial or finish that great book she's reading.

But Olivia had said it was time for a change. Why shouldn't that apply to me too?

"I want to take you somewhere I think you'll like. I promise I won't go fast. If you don't like it just tell me and we'll stop. It's that easy. Okay?" Casey is trying to convince me and she's slowly wearing me down.

I eye the scooter again. It's small but big enough for two people and I can't imagine it could actually go very fast…and it _could _be fun, right? What's the harm?

I look down at the helmet in my hands again and I realize it's the only one Casey brought. I look at her in alarm. "You don't have another helmet? What about you?"

She shrugs. "I'll be fine. I ride all the time; I'm careful."

I can't allow that, so I hand the helmet back to her. "No, I can't do that…"

"Alex, take it. It's okay. I want you to wear it. I'm responsible for anyone who rides with me and I want to make sure you're protected. Besides, there's not a helmet law in place for scooters anyway so you won't have to prosecute me if we get pulled over."

I laugh at that, and then I remember how Olivia and I used to joke around about me having to prosecute her, and I feel guilty for laughing.

Casey catches the guilty look on my face and quickly says, "You just laughed, Alex. It's okay; you're allowed to do that. You can let yourself be happy and experience life again. I know Olivia broke your heart, but it _will _get better, Alex."

It doesn't feel that way. It's been over a month now. During the day I am okay, but I still cry nearly every night because I long to be in Olivia's arms. Every time my phone rings or I get a text message a part of me hopes against all hope that it's Olivia finally returning one of my messages. And every time it's not, the part of me that hopes that gets smaller the next time.

A month with no contact from Olivia has proven to me that her words had been true; she doesn't want me any more. She did want a new life, and I'm not welcome in that new life. And that hurts – more than words can ever describe.

It's like there are two Alexs now – the Alex that was with Olivia and filled with confidence, and the new Alex that walks around downtrodden with a perpetual broken heart. There are two categories for everything now too – with Olivia and without Olivia. I find myself thinking in these terms all the time. 'With Olivia' I would have done this, and 'Without Olivia' I have to do this.

I know I need a distraction, something to get my mind off everything that is wrong and sad in my life. And here's my friend smiling at me in anticipation, trying to get me to experience something new. Something that might actually make me smile if I allow myself to enjoy it.

So I'm going to give myself that chance.

I put the helmet on and fix it securely on my head. It's heavy and awkward and I know I won't get used to it, but it's only one short ride. It's not going to kill me.

"Okay. I cave. Let's do it."

Casey smiles and sits back down on the scooter, sliding as far to the front as she can to make room for me. She tells me to sit down behind her, which I do.

It feels strange, as if I'm going to fall off. There's nothing to hang onto. I'm thankful I'm wearing jeans; at least they provide a good grip.

Casey takes my hands and guides my arms around her middle and tells me to lock my hands together and hold on tightly.

It feels strange being this close to her. I've never been in such close contact with anyone except Olivia for years. I feel uncomfortable; that awkward moment at the computer just days before replaying in my mind.

"Just don't let go, and tell me if you want to stop, okay?"

"Okay," I answer unsurely, doing exactly as she says.

She starts the bike and I'm momentarily frightened. It's not loud but it jerks awkwardly when it starts until Casey eases it out of the parking garage onto the road.

She isn't going as fast as I know she could be – probably for my sake – but I'm a little overwhelmed anyway. I feel very vulnerable and awkward and I almost tell her to stop, but that part of my brain that wants me to experience this forces me to bite my tongue and attempt to enjoy what's happening.

I slowly start to relax. This _is _actually nice. I'm holding onto Casey so hard I'm surprised I'm not hurting her so I have no fear of falling off and Casey isn't going fast enough to get us killed.

Suddenly I feel a strange sensation. It feels really nice to have someone in my arms again. I feel warm. And safe. Like this is natural.

And then I realize that Casey's hair smells really good. It's practically right in my face and I can't believe I never noticed how red it really is before. It's so long and pretty….I wonder what it feels like to touch it.

But I push these thoughts out of my head immediately. _Alex, get a grip! Casey is your friend…Olivia just left you. You can't be having these thoughts. _So I expel any thoughts I think are inappropriate from my mind and refuse to let them return.

I try to guess where she's taking us; she's taking a back road out of the city. I want to ask her but yet I want to be surprised, so I keep quiet.

About ten minutes later I get my answer.

We pull into the parking lot of a small beach. There are only a few cars, which isn't surprising considering this beach is rarely busy. It's small and there are no concession stands or boat rental shops nearby, which is the reason for its lack of patrons.

But the sand is so soft and beautiful and the water is so blue that I absolutely love coming here. I mean, I _did _love coming here. Olivia and I used to come here all the time when we first started dating. But the past year or so we never really go out this way. We stuck to mainly city activities.

Casey finds a place to park and as soon as she shuts off the bike I say excitedly, "That was actually really fun!"

Casey gets off the bike and smiles at me. "Told you it wouldn't be as horrible as you were making it out to be." She tosses her hair over her shoulders and runs her fingers through it, detangling it from the windy ride.

I have to hold my breath; wow, it's so pretty!

When she's done combing her hair with her fingers and I can breathe again she gives me an odd look. I hope she hadn't noticed the way I was staring. "You can take the helmet off now, the ride is over."

I fumble with removing it, feeling stupid for sitting there gawking at her like an idiot. I feel my face go nearly as red as her hair as I mumble out, "Sorry."

Casey laughs at me. "It's all right. I just figured you wouldn't want to walk around the beach wearing that stupid thing."

She takes it from me and hangs on the handlebar of the scooter, and then asks me if I want to take a walk on the beach.

It's pretty hot outside today; much too hot for September, and I know we're both going to be uncomfortable in our jeans. Walking around on a hot day wearing denim isn't exactly smart.

But the walk will do me good.

Both of us take off our shoes and make our way down to the shoreline. The water is lapping at the shore gently, and I discreetly steer away from it. I'm sure it's freezing.

But Casey allows the water to come in contact with her feet, and she immediately yells and says, "Wow! That's cold! But kind of nice."

I laugh at her. "Then don't walk in it, dummy."

My insult results in Casey kicking water at me, splashing my shirt and hair and causing me to jump back a few feet and cry out. I hold my hands in front of my face to shield myself from any more water attacks. "Hey! I didn't deserve that! That water is freezing! I'm going to get pneumonia!"

"Oh, stop crying, you big baby. It's nearly eighty-five degrees; I think you'll live. Besides, it isn't bad when you get used to it."

"Yeah, when your feet go numb."

Casey rolls her eyes at me and holds out her hand. "Come on. Put your feet in it. Don't be a wimp."

I narrow my eyes at her. _No one _calls me a wimp. I reach out and take her hand, and as soon as she closes her hand around mine, I freeze exactly where I'm standing. I felt a spark, that same spark I felt at the computer just a couple days ago. That longing to hold on and never let go.

That feeling I got every time I held Olivia's hand.

I pull my hand from Casey's a bit too fast and she notices but doesn't comment on it. I finally step down onto the shore and let the water lap at my feet as we walk.

And she's right; it's not so bad at all when you get used to it. After a few feet I don't even notice the cold.

The pantlegs of our jeans are getting drenched and I know we're going to be sand magnets as soon as we walk up the beach, but I don't care. It's so peaceful out here. It's quiet and isolated and I'm with Casey.

We walk a little ways in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. It's starting to get dark, which gives the water a beautiful glow in the moonlight.

Suddenly without warning, Casey grabs a hold of my arm. "I need a break – let's sit down," she suggests.

I follow her up the beach and we find a suitable place to sit down. And sure enough, we both have enough sand clinging to our wet pantlegs to fill a small bucket.

Casey sits down in the sand first and pats the ground beside her, wanting me to do the same. I hesitate a moment – the last time I sat on a beach I was with Olivia.

Then I mentally scold myself. I have to stop doing this. I have to stop hesitating to do things because I did them with Olivia. Olivia is gone and she's never coming back. She's in my past. I have to accept that, no matter how much it hurts.

So I sit down next to Casey.

A few stars have made their appearance and Casey points to an object in the sky to our left, which looks to be a planet. "Do you know what planet that is?"

I shake my head. "No. What is it?"

She smiles. "I don't know, that's why I was asking you."

We both laugh, and then I say, "Sorry. That's one I don't know."

"Oh, so you weren't an astronomy nerd?"

"No. Just a nerd in every other way."

"I'll bet you were as cute then as you are now."

Casey's words cause me to look away from her. I feel myself blush again but thankfully she can't see it with what little light the moon gives off. And then I remember the way Casey had blushed when I accidentally called her adorable out loud just a few days back.

Casey seemingly forgets her last comment and lies on her back, staring up at the sky. She sighs heavily and says, "This is nice. We both needed to go out."

After a moment's hesitation I copy her actions, and I nearly stop breathing when I feel Casey move closer to me. That spark is back and I have to fight the urge to lay my head on her chest as I used to do with Olivia. My heart rate has picked up and I'm playing with the seam of my shirt nervously.

God, what is _happening_ here? Why do I feel this way?

I know I have to start talking, to get my mind off my uncomfortable feelings, so I ask Casey a question. "How did you pull yourself back together after your license was suspended? How did you deal with losing something you loved so much?"

I'm sure Casey knows why I'm asking her this, and she's quick with an answer. "It was hard. But you just cope. You accept what's happened and move on with your life, knowing there's something else meant for you in the future."

I close my eyes, feeling a tear trickle down my cheek. "What if you can't?"

It takes Casey a moment to answer this time. "Then you hold on until you can. Or until you have someone who can help you move on."

I say nothing else about it. If I talk about Olivia I'll cry and ruin this good evening. So I stay silent.

After a few minutes, Casey props herself up on her elbow and looks at me. "Are you sorry you came?"

I shake my head. "No. I really needed this."

Casey smiles at me again, but this smile is different. Her eyes linger on me longer than required and it makes me feel adored and special. Something I haven't felt in months. Something I have been missing.

"I'm not sorry either."

And then I can't help myself. Something inside me crumbles. I lean up and kiss her.

**Ohhh. What did you think? Please leave a review and let me know!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for the delay in updating - it won't be as long before the next one! Hope you enjoy this :)**

The kiss only lasts about a minute, but it's a minute too long. I pull my lips away from Casey's and quickly jump to my feet.

Oh my God – I just kissed Casey! I don't even know why I did it. Why would I do such a stupid thing?

And then a realization hits me – she kissed me back.

I'm desperate to get away from her now. She's gotten to her feet as well, and the moon is giving off just enough light for me to catch the confused expression on her face.

That's nothing compared to the look of horror on my own.

"Casey – I'm so sorry!" I manage to choke out, a million emotions surging through me at once. I'm humiliated and disgusted by what I have just done. Olivia left me a month ago and now I put the moves on my friend. She's probably just as humiliated and horrified as I am. I'm surprised she didn't slap me.

"Alex, don't apologize. It was nice," Casey says, and I swear I can hear a smile in her voice. But that can't be – I'm sure she didn't mean to kiss me back. She just had no other choice when I thrust my lips towards hers.

I've already started walking up the beach. I'm upset and when I'm upset I tend to take longer strides and therefore I can walk pretty quickly. Casey is struggling to keep up with me, the sand making it all the more difficult to do so.

"I don't know what came over me – I'm sorry!" I offer again, still a couple steps ahead of Casey. I can't turn around and look at her, or allow her to catch up to me. I can't face her. Not after what I did.

"Alex, wait! Don't walk so fast!"

I finally reach the parking lot and just start walking again. I'm headed towards the entrance of the beach park, near where Casey parked her scooter. I have no idea where I'm going…I just know I can't face Casey. Not right now.

And possibly never again.

"Alex!" Suddenly a pair of hands come out and grab both of my shoulders, effectively spinning me around until I'm facing their owner – Casey. The parking lot is lit up by several overhead lights so I can clearly make out the expression on her face. It's unreadable. "Slow down. Let's talk about what happened."

I shake my head and turn away from her again. "Let's not." I have to get out of here – off this beach and away from _her_.

I start walking again and all of about two seconds later Casey has grabbed my shoulder again. She's confused – as confused as I am. "Alex, please talk to me!"

"Casey….I have to go home. I'll see you tomorrow."

Casey follows me a few more steps before speaking again. "I'm your ride home, remember? You kind of _have _to talk to me."

I stop in my tracks when I realize she's right. I didn't bring my car, and it's too far to walk. But I know I can't ride back with Casey.

"I'll take a taxi," I quickly announce as I start walking again.

Casey laughs lightly. "That's silly! I'll drop you off at your building. Just please talk to me."

I can't. I _can't_. I have no idea what I'd say. After all this time of feeling happy and comfortable around Casey, I now feel awkward and can't even bring myself to look at her.

I know I owe her an explanation – but I don't have one. My mind is assaulted with a thousand thoughts at once. What I did was wrong. I never should have kissed her. I don't have feelings for Casey…she's just my friend. I had no right to give her the wrong impression.

But I _liked _the kiss. I liked how it made me feel. I liked the way she leaned into it as if she had been expecting me to kiss her. As if she had _wanted _me to.

But I know that can't be true; Casey doesn't have feelings for me either. She was just too polite to pull away from me.

"I'm going to take a taxi, but thank you anyway. Thanks for the lovely evening," I tell Casey quickly as we approach her bike. I pull out my phone and hit the speed dial assigned to my favorite taxi company before Casey has a chance to interrupt me and I order a pickup.

As soon as I'm off the phone, she starts back in on me.

"I said I would drop you off! Call and cancel. I picked you up; I'm responsible for getting you home. Besides, we need to talk."

Didn't I tell her I didn't want to?

"Alex, that kiss – "

"Was a mistake!" I quickly rush out, and Casey immediately shuts up and stares at me. Those feelings are all coming back and I close my eyes and force them away. I refuse to feel that way about Casey; I can't risk another broken heart. If I allow myself to care to accept the way I feel about her, I'm opening myself up for heartbreak when she tells me she doesn't feel the same way. And I'm convinced that's what she's trying to tell me.

"No, not a mistake_. _I kissed you back, Alex." Casey steps closer to me and touches my shoulder again. "I kissed you _back_."

No. It can't be. This _cannot _be happening. I can't be falling in love with Casey, and she can't be falling in love with me. Not after Olivia. I won't let it happen.

So I do the only thing I can do; I switch tactics. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Casey is too good for me – she deserves someone who isn't living with a broken heart. Someone who can trust and love her appropriately. I've been burned and scarred in love; she doesn't want or need me.

"It was a momentary lapse in judgment. It never should have happened. We were having a good time and we're friends…and that's all. All it will _ever _be. It wasn't my intent to complicate things. I'm sorry."

Even in the semi-darkness I can see Casey grinning. "I'm not sorry."

I turn away from her sharply, holding my breath. I wonder if she feels what I'm feeling right now. This internal turmoil inside of me is getting out of control. I close my eyes before I speak my next piece, because I know it's going to hurt me to do so. "I don't think we should spend any more time together outside of work. I hope you understand."

It's a moment before Casey speaks, and when she does, her voice sounds sad and flat. "Why?"

And then I know I have to do it. As much as I don't want to…I have to hurt her. I have to push her away, make her _not _want me.

"Why? You're asking me _why_? Because this was a mistake, Casey! I shouldn't be kissing anyone, but especially not _you_! That lapse in judgment will never happen again."

It's amazing how quickly I can switch into total bitch mode. And how much I can hurt by what I'm saying. I know my words are hurting Casey, and that makes me hurt too. Because I do care about her. I _do_.

"Alex – "

"You don't mean anything to me, Casey. Nothing at all. I've been spending time with you because it gets my mind off Olivia. I would be spending time with anyone who offered a distraction. And that kiss…I was just caught up in a moment. But it meant nothing. _You _mean nothing."

I watch Casey flinch at my harsh words as I turn away from her and walk away. I'm nearly crying from the cruelty I just showed her as I see my taxi pull into the parking lot.

Once I'm inside the taxi and give the driver my address, I force myself to look at Casey again. She is still standing cemented in the same spot, watching me sadly. And just before she turns around and walks back towards her scooter, I'm certain I do catch tears in her eyes.

Once the cab is safely out of the parking lot and Casey can't see me anymore, I allow my own tears to come. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and grief. I hurt Casey – I saw it in her eyes. She was crushed.

How could I do that? How could I _kiss _her? Casey is my friend; nothing more. I am just getting over Olivia – it's too early for me to seek a relationship with someone else. Besides, I don't like Casey in that way. I _don't_.

But then why does hurting her so badly make _me _hurt just as much?

* * *

><p>The next couple of days at work are really hard to get through. I feel uncomfortable around Casey and find myself doing everything to avoid her. And just a couple days ago I couldn't spend enough time with her. Shows you how quickly things can change.<p>

Casey, however, doesn't share my indifferent attitude. She keeps trying to talk to me about what happened and about my reaction, but I dismiss her every time. I tell her I'm busy or I'm heading out, and I ignore her when she calls and texts me. I know it's cruel, but I don't want to string her along any more than I already have.

But God, it's _so _hard to treat her so coldly!

I'm so conflicted about what happened that night. I had been such a nice relaxing time with Casey, and I know without a doubt that I had been attracted to her in the same way I was attracted to Olivia. The kiss was wrong but felt so _good_. She kissed me back so tenderly and lovingly…like Olivia. And that's what scares me.

It's almost four o'clock Friday afternoon and I'm just wrapping up my paperwork for the day when Casey steps into the office. I barely even give her a glance; I figure she's going to collect her laptop and paperwork for the weekend and just head out.

But instead she closes the door behind her and marches right up to my desk with her arms crossed. I can feel her eyes boring into me and I know she has me cornered – I have no choice but to look up at her.

I see many emotions in her green eyes – sadness, confusion, anger – and I feel ashamed that I'm the reason for them all. Casey never deserved this. She's young, successful and happy and now I have her mixed up and confused. Way to go, Alex.

"Alex, we seriously need to talk."

I figured her opening statement was going to go something like that. I swallow and nod my head slightly. "Okay. Let's talk."

Casey seems satisfied that I'm not going to get up and run out on her and she drags the chair from her desk over and sits down. She looks like she has a million words she wants to say but only actually says, "These past couple of days have really sucked."

Not the way I would have worded it, but I would agree; they have.

"When we hung out after work, I really felt like we were connecting on such a personal level. I had a great time at the bar, and an even better time playing the Wii with you. You're actually fun, Alex. I like you. And that evening at the beach…even though it didn't end well, it was still great. One of the best evenings of my life. I wouldn't change what happened for anything."

She has no remorse about what happened; none whatsoever. She thinks me kissing her and her kissing me back is okay. I'm so glad she's not aware of the internal storm inside of me right now. I'm glad she has no way of knowing that I wholeheartedly agree with her.

"I understand your feelings about that kiss, Alex, I really do. But you initiated it, not me. Which means you had to have been feeling the same thing I was. I loved the kiss – it felt natural. I kissed you back because I felt the same thing you did. I'm not ashamed at all…and you shouldn't be either. You're not being disloyal to Olivia by allowing yourself to give in to your feelings about someone else, especially if that someone else feels the same way about you. It's not fair to yourself to fight this. You shouldn't have run away from me that night. It really hurt me, Alex. And it hurts me that you have been avoiding me these past few days."

I knew my attempts to avoid Casey weren't going unnoticed; I had just hoped she wouldn't ever call me on them.

Now it's my turn to talk, and I know it. Casey is sitting there watching me expectantly and I know exactly what she wants me to say. She wants me to apologize and kiss her again and then we can move in together and play house, living happily ever after. That's what she wants, but not what she's going to get.

I can't give in to my feelings again. It's not Casey – it's me. I'm afraid of love. Olivia has scarred me for life. I'm afraid that if I find someone else to give my heart away to they will eventually throw it down and stomp on it the same way Olivia had. Leave me alone and brokenhearted again. I don't think I could live through that twice.

"Casey…we just can't _be_. I'm sorry."

Casey's hopeful expression falls a little. "Why not?"

I should tell her the truth. She deserves that much. There's no reason for me to be cruel and hurt her. I should just tell her I'm afraid.

But I can't. Because Alex Cabot never admits she's afraid of something. I have a reputation to protect; I can't let Casey know how much this is costing me.

I set my face in a stony expression and force myself to meet Casey's eyes again. I figure looking her in the eyes will convey the importance of what I'm about to say, but instead it makes it worse. Eyes are a window to the soul and I can see Casey's; she's kind and caring and in no way deserving of what I'm doing to her. I'm such a horrible person.

"I told you it was a mistake, and I meant it. I don't like you, Casey. Not in that way." I watch her flinch at my words but I stay strong and don't waver. "I honestly don't know why I kissed you. I was just so caught up in the moment. We were in a romantic setting and I wasn't in the right state of mind. I shouldn't have allowed that to happen. I shouldn't have been leading you on. I'm sorry."

Casey stares at me for several seconds before she responds. "I don't believe you, Alex."

"Well, I've told you the truth."

"No, you _haven't. _I felt the passion in that kiss. I felt the sparks between us. You can't just push me away, Alex! You can't just pretend there's nothing between us!"

Why is this so hard? Why can't she just accept the lies I've told her and get out here, go home and enjoy her weekend? Why is she torturing me this way? I can't take it…not right now. Not so soon after Olivia.

I slam my hand down on my desk harder than I intended, and Casey jumps in surprise. "It was the truth, Casey! Why can't you accept that? Is it that you don't understand? Do I need to speak slower, or use smaller words?"

Casey looks away in shame and I feel like the smallest thing in the office right now. Even smaller than the ballpoint on my pen. And I guess I really am.

I don't stop my ranting. I need to push Casey away, make her rid herself of the feelings she has towards me. For her own sake. I'm too scarred to be with her; she deserves so much better than damaged goods.

"I'm sorry I kissed you, I'm sorry I led you on, and I'm sorry I made you feel bad. But I don't like you, Casey – just accept it. You aren't my type at all. I told you that you and the kiss both meant nothing to me, and I meant it. So stop bringing it up and get over whatever you feel for me, because it's never going to be reciprocated. I _don't _like you."

"Alex – "

"Casey! Just get out of here! It's Friday; go home and start your weekend. Ride your scooter or play your Wii. I don't care; just leave me alone. Don't call or text me. I'll see you on Monday."

I'm almost in tears as I turn away from Casey's sad gaze and begin to shut down my laptop so I can get out of here as well. God, that hurt _so _badly. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart right now, squeezing it until it's dry and cold just like me.

Casey finally gets up and stands by my desk for a moment before speaking again. Then she says in a shaky voice, "I can't believe you're so cold, Alex. I thought you were different, but you're exactly like everyone says you are. Go to hell."

As soon as Casey make her hasty exit, I lay my head down on my desk and allow myself to finally cry. I had a chance at happiness again and I blew it. I really am the coldest, stupidest person alive.

* * *

><p>When I return to work on Monday morning I'm anything <em>but <em>rested and refreshed from the weekend. I barely slept at all; I kept tossing and turning, playing back in my head the last awful conversation I had with Casey. Seeing her devastated look again, and hearing her shaking voice on the verge of tears as she had called me on my cruelty.

If I hadn't already used all my vacation days I would have taken one today. I'm not prepared to walk into the office and see Casey this soon. The hurt is still too fresh, and I'm still so ashamed.

I've just passed my secretary's desk when she stops me. "Miss Cabot!"

I turn towards Becca, grateful for the interruption. Thanks to my secretary I've delayed having to go in and face Casey for at least a few minutes. "Good morning, Becca. How was your weekend?"

Becca smiles and seems to be under the impression that I'm in a good mood. It's unusual for me to make small talk with her. I guess I'm a better actress than I thought. "It was fine, how was yours?"

I just nod. "Any messages? Anything I need to know?"

"Actually, yes. Miss Novak won't be in today. I'm not sure when she'll be back."

Oh. Casey had the same idea as me. Only she had a vacation day to use – how convenient for her. And for me, I suddenly realize. I don't have to face her after all.

I feel myself relax. "Is she sick?"

Becca shakes her head and her expression changes to a serious one. "She had an accident over the weekend."

**Uh-oh. What happened to Casey? What do you think of this chapter? Please review and tell me your thoughts!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing :) Glad people are enjoying this! I hope you all enjoy this chapter - it's getting intense!**

I think about Casey all day long. All Becca was able to tell me is that she had an accident on her bike - she didn't know the specifics - and that she would be off work at least until next week.

I have a nagging sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach all day. What if the accident was my fault? What if Casey was so upset by what I'd said to her that it made her distracted and caused the accident?

It's a really busy day for me - I have two arraignments, a lunch meeting and a handful of witnesses to prep, plus a mountain of paperwork. It's been a long time since I've taken on such a load in one day. Casey is usually great at helping me out. I never even have to tell her what to do. I'm really hurting without her being here.

The busyness of the day allows my mind to stay occupied for the most part, but when thoughts of Casey do creep in, she's all I can focus on. I hope she isn't hurt too badly. She's all alone in her apartment - what if she needs help? What if she's hurt to the point where she can't do simple things for herself?

After wrestling the idea around all day, I finally decide to go see Casey after work. I know it's going to be awkward after what happened - and she may not even _want _to see me - but I have to satisfy myself that she's all right. I have to see with my own eyes that she's okay on her own.

I can't believe I'm so desperate to see her. Just a couple days ago I couldn't put enough space between us and now all I want is to run to Casey's apartment and check on her. I'm worried. And I know why - because I honestly _do _care about her.

I wrap up the last of my paperwork at a little after six-thirty. This is the longest day I have worked in quite awhile, and I'm really feeling it. My neck aches from my poor posture looking down at my desk the past few hours. I stand up and stretch, and that's when my stomach growls, as if reminding me that it hasn't had any food all day long. I skipped breakfast and had a meeting over lunch.

Maybe I'll stop by and get a pizza on the way to Casey's apartment. She _has _to like pizza. Besides, it can serve as an icebreaker. I can present Casey with a nice supreme pizza and she'll _have _to forgive me.

I go to Marco's, one of the best - and least-known - little pizza joints just outside the city. Olivia and I used to go there all the time. I get a thick-crust supreme pizza, cheesy garlic bread and a bottle of Mountain Dew. It's a safe assumption that if Casey likes pizza she also likes Mountain Dew too. I myself don't like it much.

By the time I pull open the lobby door of Casey's building and walk in with my load of food, I'm finally nervous. I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I show the receptionist my ADA badge and get on the elevator to go to Casey's floor.

What if she's so angry she slams the door in my face? How will I deal with that? Or worse yet, what if she's hurt very badly? How will I deal with _that_?

I don't have long to think about it. Way too soon the elevator doors slide open and I find my feet taking me down the hall towards apartment number two-fifteen.

I hesitate outside Casey's door, shifting the bag of food from one hand to the other, trying to collect my thoughts. My nervousness has increased by about one-hundred percent from when I stepped through the door to right now.

I keep replaying those awful words I said to Casey the night on the beach. "I_t meant nothing. You meant nothing." _The look on her face after she heard me say those words was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen. The way her eyes got darker and the excitement over our little rendezvous on the beach left her. I cannot get that look on her face out of my mind. And to know that I was the reason for all that pain, that I was the reason she had to hold back her tears when she was talking to me in our office, is killing me. It's driving me absolutely insane. And it makes me question the person that I have become, because this is not who I want to be.

I cannot understand how I could say that she means nothing to me. The mere fact that I was physically able to utter the actual words makes me sick to my stomach. It's not like I am the nicest person in the world, far from it, but this has got to be the new low for me. To tell someone they mean nothing to me, when they are the only person in the world that seems to understand me. How could I say she means nothing to me? The girl who listens to me blabbing about meaningless stuff at work, stuff that she doesn't give a shit about, and never says a single word? She simply lets me go on and on until I have vented enough. And then she'll make some comment that makes me realize how pointless it is to work myself up over stuff that really doesn't matter. The girl who takes me out for drinks every time she senses that I'm a little bit down, sometimes when even I myself don't know that I need some cheering up. The girl who can just look me in the eye and tell what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling. The girl who can make me laugh my ass off without even trying, by making snotty comments about people or making fun of me.

I desperately try to think of something to say, something that would be meaningful enough for her to forgive me. But how do you ask for someone's forgiveness when you've hurt them this much? This is a problem I've never had to face before. I've hurt people, I know I have, but never like this, never breaking their heart and my own in the process. This is certainly new and I just don't know how to handle it.

I pace back and forth hoping that the words will come, but the idea of looking into her eyes and apologizing terrifies me. Suddenly I hear the door open and I see her stepping out into the hallway. It takes her a moment before she sees me. And when she does, she stops dead in her tracks, her eyes wide in shock.

She's wearing a sling on her left shoulder, that wrist is bandaged, and she has bruises and small cuts down the left side of her face.

I stand there dumbly staring at her for several seconds before I can adequately form words.

"Casey - are you okay? What happened?"

Casey's expression has turned from shock to utter amusement at me standing outside her door gawking at her. "What do _you_ care?" she demands coldly.

I feel that chill go right through me to my heart and I actually wince at the pain it causes. I deserved that one, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I sigh and finally decide to cut to the chase, to simply apologize for the jerk I have been. "Casey, I'm sorry about before. What I said." And I really am. I don't think I have ever meant any apology in my life like I mean this one. If only that was enough, if only words were enough. But I know they're not.

"Whatever, Alex, it's cool," she says, trying really hard not to show how much my words have hurt her, but I can see right through her. I can see it in her eyes and my heart breaks a little more every time she decides to look me in the eye. Every time I look at her and see that she's trying to hold back tears. But she's not telling me to go to hell or go die, which is a good sign. Maybe there is hope for me after all.

"No, it's not," I say quickly, because we both know that what I said was far from cool. It was cruel and hurtful and something I never thought I could do to anyone. "I said you were nothing to me, which…" I pause for a moment and take a deep breath. "Which is a total lie, because right now you're pretty much everything." I tell her and I realize that my hands are tightly clutching hers in a desperate attempt to let her know that she indeed is everything to me.

It's pretty clear Casey doesn't know what to say to me - she has probably never dealt with a situation like this in her entire life. She looks at me a bit unsurely, and slowly nods her head but says nothing.

I take that as acceptance of my apology. It's a little foolish to be standing awkwardly out here in the hallway holding a bag of food, so I hold the bag up to Casey hopefully and plaster on an even bigger smile. "Are you going to make me stand out here when I brought you dinner? Let me in and we can talk about what happened to you while we eat."

Casey eyes the bag and holds her door open so I can step inside. "Where were you headed?" I ask as I go and she closes the door behind me.

"The pharmacy," is all Casey says in response.

"I can make a run there for you," I suggest. It's the least I could do after how much I've hurt her.

Casey sits down on the couch and I see her wince and look at her arm. "It's okay. I'm all right for now."

I sit down on the opposite side of the couch, facing Casey. She looks like she banged herself up pretty well and that familiar pang of guilt returns again.

"Becca told me you had a bike accident. What happened?"

"I was riding my mountain bike on some new trails. I hit a patch of loose sand and just lost control. I got it easy compared to my bike. I bent the rim of the front tire and twisted my handlebars. It's going to need some work before I can ride again."

Casey rides a mountain bike…why does that _not _surprise me?

"How bad is your shoulder and arm?"

"My arm is fine. The shoulder is broken, though. I'm lucky I didn't need surgery. And I sprained my wrist pretty badly. I was the only one on the trails at the time and had to walk my bike all the way back to my car and then drive myself to the hospital. It wasn't too fun."

I find myself cringing - how awful! And painful. "You should have called me. Or at least texted me. I would have taken you to the hospital."

"That's funny; I distinctively remember you telling me on Friday not to call or text you."

Ouch. Her tone is unforgiving and cold and it causes me to look away from her in shame. Because she's right; I had said that.

I'm suddenly uncomfortable and to relieve the tension I bit I stand up and take the bag of food off her coffee table. Casey stands as well, but I hold my hand up and she sits back down. "Let me. It's the least I could do for you. I got pizza, garlic bread and Mountain Dew. How many slices do you want?"

"I'm not really hungry."

I frown. "Are you on any pain meds? You should eat if you are. They're pretty harsh."

"I read my discharge instructions and the literature that came with my prescription thoroughly. And I already ate. I wasn't expecting company."

It's clear Casey doesn't want me here. That little nod in the hallway was _not _acceptance of my apology. She's angry with me - and rightly so - but it stills hurts. I wish I could wave a magic wand and undo what I did to her.

"Well, it's pizza. There's always room for pizza." I go into the kitchen and find the plates and glasses. I give us each two slices of pizza and one slice of garlic bread, and put the boxes in Casey's refrigerator. She can have the leftovers. Then I pour us each a glass of Mountain Dew.

I poke my head back into the living room and catch Casey's eyes. "Do you want to eat there or at the table?"

Casey glares at me. "I told you I wasn't hungry."

I leave the pizza sitting on the table and go back into the living room and stand in front of Casey on the couch, my arms crossed in front of my chest. I honestly don't know what to say - I'm not used to my apologies falling on deaf ears.

I know this mess is of my creation and I'm willing to admit that, but there is no reason for Casey to continue to act like this. I was mature enough to apologize and she should be mature enough to accept that apology.

"Okay, I get that you're mad, Casey. I told you I was sorry and I meant it."

Casey looks away from me to her beige carpet. "I heard what you said."

"Then can't you forgive me?"

When Casey looks at me again, the sadness in her green eyes is so profound I nearly start to cry. _I _did that to her.

"Alex, do you have any idea how much you hurt me?"

_If it was a fraction of how badly Olivia hurt me, then yes. That was the worst pain of my life. _That is what I _want_ to say. But what I actually say is, "I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry doesn't do anything, Alex! They're just _words_. I like you - maybe more than I should. I've always been attracted to you. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. When we first started working together I thought you were a bitch. There; I said it. But as I got to know you I discovered you're completely different outside of work. That's attractive to me. I never acted on that because I knew you were with Olivia and I respected that. But after she left you…I saw how desolate you were and it broke my heart. I wanted to show you that you could still live, that Olivia didn't steal your heart from you. And believe it or not, I never intended to try and be in a relationship with you. I wanted to be your friend and that's all. I figured if something were to happen naturally then so be it, but I wasn't going to pursue it. I kept getting signals from you and I'd feel something every time we were together, but again I didn't pursue it. Then you kissed me, Alex. You _kissed_ me. I felt passion in that kiss and I knew then that you felt the same. And then you…" She swallows harshly. "Said what you said and then acted like I was invisible the next couple of days. And it hurt - badly. Because I realized I was wrong about you. You're not someone I want to be with at all. Not if you can discard someone so easily and coldly."

I can't come up with anything appropriate to say right now. My heart has dropped all the way to my toes. That was exactly what I _didn't _want to hear.

And Casey isn't finished yet. "Why exactly did you come here tonight?"

I'm finally able to speak around the lump in my throat. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. I worried about you all day."

"Why? I mean nothing to you, why would you worry?"

My own words are flung back at me and they hit me right square in the face.

"Casey…I said I was sorry…"

"And I said that wasn't enough!"

I can't let this happen. Casey matters to me. As much as I fought it before…I know she matters. I care about her. I want her in my life.

"What do you want, Alex? How do you feel about me? _Really _feel about me?"

And then I ask myself the same question - what exactly do I _want_? What role do I want her to play in my life? Do I want her to be my friend….or do I want something more?

"I told you that you're pretty much everything to me," I blurt out softly, trying to keep any trace of emotion out of my voice.

Casey hesitates a moment, and then asks, "So does that mean you have feelings for me? Are you ready to admit it?"

"I don't know, Casey…" I close my eyes and when I open them again Casey has gotten up off the couch and I realize my hesitation in answering has cost me dearly.

Casey goes to the door and opens it, holding it open with her one good arm. She glares at me again. "Just go, Alex. Just _go_. You're only making it worse than it already is."

"Casey, I - "

"Since you can't admit your feelings, I'm going to tell you how you made me feel. I came home Friday night and cried for over an hour and then worked my way through a half-eaten gallon of ice cream from my fridge. I didn't sleep more than two hours that night; I kept going over what had happened in my mind, trying to figure out why you reacted the way you did. And then Saturday I went out biking to get my mind off you, but guess what? You were all I could think about. I was thinking about you and not paying attention when I hit that loose sand. I hope you're happy about that."

I swallow harshly. God, that was what I had been afraid of…that it had been my fault. Tears spring to my eyes and I don't even try to stop them this time. I desperately reach for Casey's arm, but she pulls away from me.

"Don't. I won't ever trust you again. Some people can forgive and forget easily, but I can't. I've been hurt too many times. I thought you were different and special, and I thought you liked me too; I guess I certainly know better now."

Every word Casey says is stabbing me right through the heart. I just want her to stop. She _needs _to stop.

"Does it hurt, Alex? Do you feel like crap right now?" I nod, a tear sliding down my cheek, and Casey nods. "Good. You deserve it. Since Olivia has left you, has a day gone by that you haven't thought about her? And when you do, does it feel like your heart is being ripped right out of your chest?" Her voice breaks now, and I can see how much emotional pain I have caused.

I nod weakly, and the only words I'm able to utter are, "It hurts every day…"

"Then how can you come in here and say meaningless words, and then try and serve me pizza? You think pizza and Mountain Dew is going to make everything better?"

I start to reply, but Casey interrupts me. "No. It won't. It never will. The damage has been done; I won't ever trust you again." She motions towards the open door. "Now go. Leave me alone."

I do as she says. I sadly step out into the hall, and Casey slams the door behind me.

I don't get more than two feet before I burst into tears. I fall against the hallway wall as my body is wracked with sobs and slide down it with my back until I'm sitting against it, my knees to my chest, sobbing uncontrollably.

**So...what do you think? Please leave me a review and let me know! Thank you**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks to all who are enjoying this! And thanks for your reviews :) Hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

I'm sitting on my couch with my cell phone in my hand, contemplating calling Casey again. I've called four times in the last two days and gotten her voicemail each time. I know she's angry with me – and believe it or not, I _can _take a hint – but I'm not going to give up. I care about Casey too much.

I know this is entirely my fault. My internal struggle over this whole Casey thing has my stomach tied in knots. I'll have myself convinced that my feelings towards her don't extend beyond friendship, and then in the next instant I'll think about how she makes me laugh and how much I enjoy being with her, and then I'm right back to being confused.

Deep down I _know _I have feelings for her. And just as deep down, I know I _shouldn't_.

I bite the bullet and dial Casey's number again. I'm so sure that she's going to let it go to voicemail again when she see it's me calling that as it's ringing I go over in my head what I'm going to say in my fifth message to her.

But to my utter shock, Casey answers this time. "What do you want?"

Wow. What a friendly greeting. But at least she answered…I guess that's progress, right?

"Casey…I'm so sorry about everything. I really want to talk to you."

"We already talked," she answers quickly, her voice giving way to slight annoyance.

"I know, but it didn't end well…and that was my fault."

Casey is silent on the other end for a moment before she says, "Wow. Did you just admit that something was your fault?"

"Yes. I did. I'm sorry, Casey. I treated you horribly and I want to make it up to you."

"I think you had it right when you said we shouldn't spend any more time together outside of work. We shouldn't, Alex. It leads to heartbreak. I'm coming back to work on Monday; I'll see you then."

I can tell Casey is getting ready to hang up, and I can't let her. I have to come up with something – anything – to keep her on the line and get her to agree to see me.

"I wasn't right when I said that; not at all. We need to have a serious talk. Can I come over tonight? I'll bring dinner…anything you want. Please. Just give me ten minutes of your time. If you still aren't happy with me, you can kick me out."

I can't believe I'm pleading with her. I can't even remember the last time my pride allowed me to do that.

I hear Casey take a deep breath, and then she says tentatively. "Fine. Come on over. But _do not _make me regret this, Alex."

I'm so happy she's agreed to see me that I ignore her threat completely. "Great! What would you like me to bring for dinner?"

"Just grab some Chinese food from that place on Third Street…I pretty much like anything from there."

"Okay. Do you want me to stop and get you anything else? Anything from the store or the pharmacy?" I'd pretty much do whatever she asked me right now.

"No, I'm fine. Thank you. I'll see you in a bit."

As soon as I'm off the phone with Casey I quickly change out of my work clothes into something more comfortable. Jeans and a white button-down; I think Casey will like it.

I find myself becoming nervous on the drive to Casey's apartment building. I look at the two bags of food sitting on the passenger seat. What if she doesn't like what I got her? She said she liked pretty much everything from there, but what if I picked the exact thing she doesn't like? That would be my luck.

Tonight is going to be difficult. I have to swallow my immense pride and admit I did a rotten thing. And then I have to ask Casey for forgiveness, and tell her how I really feel. God, why did I put myself in this position? I had a chance at happiness again…why did I blow it?

Way too soon I find myself standing in front of Casey's door. I feel a shiver go through me; the last time I was here I left in tears. I hope this isn't going to be a repeat performance.

After a small pause, I knock on her door with my free hand.

When Casey opens the door, the first thing I notice is how pale she looks. Pale and tired, a stark contrast from the last time I saw her.

I don't know what to say at first, but luckily Casey breaks the ice. "I know how I look. I haven't been sleeping."

I'm afraid of what she'll say if I ask her why, so I don't. I only nod. She reaches out and takes one of the bags from me with her only good arm and I follow her to the kitchen.

We take everything out of the bags and set the take-out containers on the counter. I notice Casey eyeing the food, so I nervously say, "I hope you like what I picked out…I wasn't sure what to get."

"It's fine, thanks."

Casey is doing everything to avoid looking at me and I feel immense sadness and guilt about that fact. I watch her struggle with one of the containers, and I quickly step up next to her and take it from her.

"Here. Let me help. I don't have one arm in a sling."

Casey nods and goes to her fridge while I carry all the food over to her table. "What do you want to drink?"

"What do you have?"

"Diet Pepsi. And that Mountain Dew you brought over on our last…encounter."

I feel a shiver again. "Diet Pepsi."

It takes us a few minutes to get everything organized. I get the glasses down from the cupboard and pour each of us a glass of soda and let Casey pick what she wants to eat. She chooses the orange chicken and rice, leaving me with the honey chicken and fried noodles.

We eat in awkward silence for several minutes. This is so unusual for us. Our rapport was so good before that we could talk through our entire lunch in the office and never run out of things to say.

"So…how is your shoulder? Does it hurt?" I finally ask, breeching the chasm of silence between us.

Casey looks at her shoulder. "A little. But not too bad. It aches more than actually hurts. And the only time it really bothers me is at night. It's hard to sleep with a bum shoulder, especially since I like to sleep on the left side and I can't do that right now. Showering isn't too fun either."

"Well if you need any help, let me know."

What I have just said sinks in, and I feel my face go red in embarrassment. Casey had just said showering wasn't fun, and then in the next second I told her to let me know if she needs help. Smooth, Alex. How do you expect her to take _that _one?

Luckily Casey doesn't call me out on my poor choice of words. Instead she looks down at her rice – which she's playing with more than actually eating – and sighs. "What do you have to say to me, Alex? Why did you want to come here?"

Small talk is over; time for the heavy stuff.

I put my fork down and lean back in my chair, focusing my undivided attention on Casey. "I wanted to apologize – _really _apologize. I know how I've made you feel, and it was wrong. I was wrong. Please accept my apology, Casey. I've never meant an apology more than this one. And I know they're just words…but I really mean it, and I'd like you to forgive me."

Casey looks at me now, her green eyes locked on mine. She looks confused and unsure. "It's really horrible to play with people's emotions, Alex."

"I know. And I never meant to. I was just…confused and angry with myself." It's time for the truth; I can't string Casey or myself along any more. I have to tell her the truth. "I felt something between us too, but I didn't want to admit it. After I kissed you, I panicked, because that made my feelings real and known to you. I didn't know you felt the same way. I was so scared you would reject me, and then when you didn't, I was scared to allow myself to be happy about that. All I could think of was that it was too soon after Olivia leaving and my heart hadn't had a chance to heal yet. I was scared…and I still am."

Casey gazes at me for a long moment before replying to what I've just admitted. Her anger seems to have faded somewhat. "I would never hurt you, Alex. Ever. I would never leave you the way Olivia did."

Somehow I know she's telling the truth. I can see it in her eyes; she means every word she's saying to me right now.

"I know I can never take back those awful words I said to you or undo the hurt I caused you, but what I can do is promise it will never happen again, and ask you for a second chance."

Casey takes a deep breath, anticipating what I'm going to say. "A chance for what?"

I think she knows what I mean, but I say it anyway. "A second chance to be with you."

Casey sighs again and wads up her paper napkin, dropping it on the table beside herself. Then she leans back in her chair much the same way I am and looks at me again. "I don't know, Alex…"

"Casey. I'm opening a door here. This is hard for me; you should know that. Alex Cabot _never _admits she's wrong, and _never _begs of people. Yet I'm doing both right now. I made a mistake in not being honest with you at first. A huge mistake, and I'm trying to make it right. The door is open."

"I know," Casey says, standing up and turning away from me. "The problem is you keep opening it and then closing it…" She turns back around to face me. "How do I know you won't suddenly change your mind tomorrow and run out on me again?"

I get up out of my seat and approach Casey slowly. She watches me the entire time, and I take her right hand and squeeze it, looking into her eyes. "You know because I promise I won't. I give you my word. I won't ever do that again. Give me a chance….please."

I can see Casey is softening. The anger is gone from her eyes. I smile at her, and she smiles back. "Well…okay. But only _one _more chance. If you hurt me again, I'll never forgive you. You won't get another chance."

I take her words to heart, and promise myself that I won't ever need another chance, because I won't blow it again.

My smile is practically ear-to-ear as I squeeze Casey's hand again. "Great. Why don't we start tonight? Why don't we have a date night here? I'm free, you're free…we have food and that nice big screen TV….sounds like the makings of a date right there. An _official _date."

I'm nervous and I hope that Casey doesn't pick up on it. If she does, she thankfully doesn't mention it and instead gives me a smile and says, "A date would actually be nice. Let's finish our dinner and then we'll go watch a movie. Sound good?"

That sounds wonderful…my idea of the perfect evening.

Just as we've finished eating, a thunderstorm has rolled in. I can see and hear the rain pelting against the windows, and hear the low distant rumblings of thunder. And every few minutes I can see lightning.

"I didn't know it was supposed to storm," I tell Casey as I take a seat on her couch. I'm still nervous about our 'date' and the weather is always a good icebreaking topic.

"I heard something about it," Casey says, looking down at her TV remote. I can't tell whether she's nervous too or if she doesn't want to go through with this at all and is only doing it to humor me.

I clear my throat, suddenly very uncomfortable. "What do you want to watch?"

"We could find something on Netflix. I have the app on my Wii." A smile spreads across Casey's face. "Netflix, that's - "

"I know what Netflix is!" I say with a small light laugh.

"Okay. Just making sure. You had never played the Wii before so it wouldn't have surprised me if you didn't know what Netflix was."

"I have a Netflix account too, smart ass."

I can't believe I just used the phrase "smart ass." I think it's the first time I've ever said it. Casey is rubbing off on me.

Casey starts up her Wii and selects the Netflix app. "I really hope this storm doesn't knock out the internet connection because that will kill our movie."

Right after Casey finishes speaking, a loud of boom of thunder is heard and we both jump and then start to laugh. Casey comes back over to the couch and sits down a few feet away from me. Not too close but not too far away either. She tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear and ventures a look at me as she opens her movie queue. "Do you like horror movies? It seems an appropriate night to watch one."

I don't like horror movies at all but I'm willing to watch anything that Casey wants to see, so I nod my compliance. "Horror is fine…whatever you want."

We sit there in silence while Casey goes through her movies. I know I should say something but I can't think of anything. First dates are always so awkward, no matter how well you know the person. Olivia and I's first date was almost identical to this. I had been nervous through the entire thing.

Casey finally pauses on a movie - the remake of 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre'. "I haven't seen this. Sound okay?"

"Sure. That's fine." A guy wearing a mask and cutting people up with a chainsaw - how ideal. I cringe internally.

Casey starts the movie and as the opening credits come up on the screen, she says, "I guess I'm lucky I broke my left shoulder - I can still sign my name at least. So I'll be able to help you out with paperwork on Monday."

"If it's too soon for you, take a couple more days off," I tell her quickly. "I'm okay without you. Don't over-extend yourself."

"Sitting behind a desk at a computer and signing papers isn't over-extending myself, Alex. Plus I'm bored here." She looks at me and smiles. "But your sympathy is nice."

"I think you put that sling on and bruises and cuts on your face _just _to get my sympathy. You're a good actress."

Casey starts to say something, and then adjusts her position on the couch. As soon as she moves, she grabs at her broken shoulder and cries out in pain. "Ow…I shouldn't have moved so quickly. Damn that hurts!"

I'm immediately concerned and I turn around so I'm facing Casey just as another loud boom of thunder makes itself known. I have to wait until it's finished before I can speak. I reach out and touch Casey's good arm. "Casey, you okay? Can I get you something?"

Casey just shakes her head, crying out again and leaning forward. She's in pain and right now I'd do anything to make her feel better.

"Where are your meds? Do you want me to call your doctor, or take you to the hospital?"

Suddenly, Casey straightens herself up and grins at me, satisfied with herself. "I'm a good actress…how was that?"

I release the breath I didn't even know I was holding and swat Casey on her good arm with the nearby couch pillow. I'm chuckling as I say, "Casey! That was horrible!"

The satisfied look on Casey's face deepens I realize I'm feeding her ego. "That was Oscar-worthy; I really had you going." Then she proceeds to mock me, "'Casey, are you okay? Can I take you to the hospital? Get you something for the pain?'"

I cross my arms in front of my chest and stare at the TV. The movie has started and I pretend to be interested in that and less-than amused by Casey's antics, but she isn't buying it.

"Okay, that was rotten. But I did get you good," Casey says apologetically.

I scowl at her. "Payback, Novak. Payback. Just you wait."

"I'm not worried; you're nowhere near as cool as me."

We finally shut up and focus our attention on the movie. It's quite awful, and just what I expected; a man in a mask stalking a town and cutting up innocent victims with his chainsaw. Every time someone gets it and there's an overabundance of blood, I cringe and close my eyes. Given our line of work, I can't understand how Casey can enjoy these types of movies.

As if reading my mind, Casey says, "You're not enjoying this, are you?"

I turn my head and look at her, and then I notice we're sitting closer together than we were when the movie first started. Casey is slowly migrating my way. "Well…not particularly. But I'm enjoying the company, so I'm all right."

About halfway through the movie we find ourselves sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder. I'm playing with the hem of my shirt nervously; I desperately want to make a move, but I don't want to act prematurely. But Casey must want the same thing…why else would she keep getting closer to me, right?

I'm psyching myself up to go ahead and hold her hand when suddenly there is the loudest clap of thunder yet and everything goes black. I'm so surprised that it takes me a moment to figure out what happened - the power went out.

Casey is the first to speak. "Wow. That was a little unexpected." I hear her shift around. "I have a flashlight in the drawer in the kitchen…I'll be right back."

"Be careful. You don't need to fall and break your other shoulder," I caution. It's so dark I don't know how she's going to see _anything_.

And then a source of light is shining right in front of my face. Casey waves her iPhone in front of me. "I have the flashlight app. I'm good."

In the glow of the little iPhone screen I watch Casey go to the kitchen and rummage around in one of her drawers. A few minutes later a beam of light is pointed at me and I realize Casey found her flashlight.

She comes back to the couch and hands me the flashlight, and I immediately switch it back on. Even the little bit of light is calming my nerves. I'm not a fan of the pitch black…though I'd never admit it.

"Alex, if we hear a chainsaw, I'm sacrificing you and then running away."

I roll my eyes at Casey, not sure whether or not she sees it. "Thanks, Casey. That's really sweet of you."

My nervousness has resurfaced. When the movie was on we had a distraction…but now it's just us, face to face, and I'm right back to not knowing what to say. I hope Casey appreciates the unusualness of the situation; it isn't often I'm rendered speechless.

Casey, however, has a lot to say.

"I really wanted to know how the movie ended."

I roll my eyes again. "I'm sure they _all _got cut up into little pieces and served to the towns people on a bun with ketchup and cheese."

"I'll finish the movie for us. Since we got cheated out of it and all."

My interest is piqued and I sit Indian-style on the couch so I'm facing Casey again. "Okay. Go ahead."

"Scene one," Casey says as she switches on the flashlight and shines it on her face. "A dull and dreary day. Two new characters are introduced - a blonde with glasses named Alley and her stupid side-kick, a redhead named Cassie."

I burst out laughing at the similarities with our names; I already know where this is going. And as if on cue, Casey switches off the flashlight and we're bathed in darkness. "Scene two – a dull and dreary day becomes a dark and stormy night."

"Kind of like tonight," I interject.

"Alley and Cassie are driving through the small Texas town when their car runs out of gas. Alley had been driving, and Cassie knows this is her fault. She had told Alley repeatedly to stop and gas up, but Alley is stubborn and had convinced her they could make it to their destination without stopping. And now they're faced with a problem - there's not a gas station for miles, it's pouring rain and pitch black."

"Sounds like trouble," I say, playing right along with Casey's story.

"They sit in the car and argue about what to do. They could wait for someone to drive by and get help from them, or venture out into the night and look for a motel or a gas station. And remember, this is a horror movie, so guess what they do?"

"Get out of the car and walk."

"That's right. They head into town, armed only with two flashlights. They're drenched from head to toe and have no idea where they're going, but they keep walking along the side of the road. No one drives by; the town is eerily silent, except for the sound of the rain and infrequent claps of thunder in the distance. And something you should know about Alley and Cassie…Alley is the stereotypical horror movie blonde and Cassie is the smart-mouth sarcastic friend."

Big surprise there. "Who gets killed first?"

"Well the blonde always dies first, Alex, but you're getting ahead of the story. Shut up and let me tell it."

I stifle a laugh and reply, "Yes ma'am."

"They finally get to town, and find a little mini-mart that's open. They immediately seek refuge from the rain there, beyond happy that they've finally found civilization. But when they go inside, they're shocked to find the place empty. No customers, no one behind the counter…it's just empty."

I'm surprised to find myself really interested in Casey's story; she's telling it well and my morbid curiosity wants to know what's going to happen to Alley and Cassie; or, I should say, happen to _us_.

"Cassie is brave enough to approach the counter. And she sees him - the clerk is lying on the floor behind the counter, both his arms severed. There is blood all over the floor. Cassie immediately screams and Alley comes running to see what's wrong. After they recover from their little discovery, they both know they have to get out of there. They're both getting a feeling that someone is watching them. And then - " Casey turns the flashlight on again and points it right at me, causing me to jump in surprise. "They hear a chainsaw start up from the back of the store. A man in a deranged mask runs toward them, wielding his chainsaw. He's unbelievably fast. Alley and Cassie know they are going to be killed, so they start to run - but there's nowhere to go. He cuts them off before they reach the door and he grabs Cassie, holding onto her with one arm and raising the chainsaw up toward her neck."

I had expected the story to go in a direction like this, but I still find myself surprised. I thought Casey would kill me off first.

"Cassie starts screaming; she doesn't want to die. She tells the man to let her go and take Alley instead; Alley is so much prettier, and has to die first, remember? The killer considers this for a moment - and then lets Cassie go. He grabs Alley and she fights him off, yelling profanities to her 'friend' who had betrayed her. But Cassie pays her no attention. She turns and runs from the mini-mart, and as soon as she's out the door she hears Alley's horrible blood-curdling screams and the sound of ripping flesh."

I shake my head, disturbed by Casey's story. "That's horrible, Casey. You got me killed!"

"The story isn't finished yet. Cassie gets away. She finds a small motel a few miles away and checks in. And in the paper the very next day, she sees an ad for a diner not too far from the mini-mart. They have coupons for two dollars off their Friday lunch special - 'Alley Burgers'."

I find myself overcome with laughter by time Casey has finished. She sure knows how to make me laugh.

"That was your idea, so thanks," Casey says with a laugh. She points the flashlight beam at her face again. "So did you like my movie?"

"No," I answer quickly. "It was horrible. But the storyteller is cute, so that's forgiven."

Silence falls between us again, and I feel Casey's fingers brush against my arm gently. I stiffen; there's those sparks again. So intense and immediate.

Before I realize what's happening, I've leaned forward and put my lips to Casey's.

She kisses me back, and this time I let myself enjoy it and when we pull away from each other I don't run away. Casey has dropped the flashlight onto the couch beside her and I beam is shining past us, so I can't see her face, but I'm positive I'd see a smile there.

Casey touches my cheek gently and whispers, "Stay tonight?"

I couldn't think of a better ending.

**So what did you think? Please review and let me know!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the delay in updating! Things are still hectic with me. But here's your update - hope you enjoy! And thanks to those who are reading and reviewing :)**

Without even thinking I blurt out, "Of course I'll stay," and immediately regret it. Just what does Casey mean by 'stay tonight'? Just sleep over at her apartment? Or does she mean something more?

Whatever it is, I've made a commitment to it now.

"You can take my bed - I'll sleep on the couch," Casey offers, and I feel immediate relief that she actually intends for us to _sleep_. Not that I'd be opposed to doing other things with her…but it's a little early in our relationship. If we have a relationship, that is.

Another clap of thunder actually shakes the windows, and I'm thankful that I don't have to go back out into this storm to go home. Maybe that's why Casey offered me to stay with her.

"I am not taking your bed - you have a broken shoulder. I won't let you cram yourself onto the couch just so I can be comfortable. _I _will take the couch," I tell Casey sternly, using my lawyer tone that leaves no room for argument.

It's awkward having a flashlight and iPhone provide the only light in the room. It makes it harder to read Casey's expression.

"Alex, you don't have to do that. Sleeping on the couch won't kill me."

"No. _I'm _taking the couch. No objections allowed."

I can make out a smile playing at the ends of Casey's mouth and she looks at me and says, "As you wish. You are my supervisor, after all."

"That's right; don't ever forget it. And the next time I give you an order, don't second-guess me. Just do it. That's your job, Counselor."

"Wow. Your ego is pretty big. _Counselor._"

I grin widely, trying to look as sweet and innocent as possible. "So I've been told. I've always been told I'm cute."

Casey makes a face at me. "Now _that's _debatable."

I retaliate by shining my flashlight right in Casey's face, and she quickly squints her eyes and turns away from me, begging me for mercy. But I don't move the flashlight beam.

"So you don't think I'm cute?" I demand in a mock-hurtful tone.

"Maybe if you didn't have those geek glasses," Casey comes back with. I finally take the beam of the flashlight off Casey and she looks at me, smiling.

"My glasses _do not _make me look like a geek."

Instead of answering, Casey reaches out with her one good hand and takes my glasses right off my face. After some difficulty, she puts them on herself. I can't help but smile - I've never seen anyone put on glasses one-handed before.

"What do _I _look like?" Casey asks, staring at me from behind my own glasses.

She looks good in glasses. Even in the semi-darkness. But of course I'm not going to tell her that.

"Well, when you were making my avatar on the Wii you said I looked like a librarian. So you look like a school teacher."

Casey takes my glasses off just as awkwardly as she put them on and hands them back to me. "As I recall, I told you that you looked like a _retired_ librarian."

I roll my eyes. "Fine. Then you looked like a retired school teacher."

"You're lucky you're cute."

"Ahhh! So I _am _cute! You just admitted it!"

Before Casey can respond, the lights suddenly come back on. The sudden concentrated light seems so bright that I have to blink several times to get my eyes readjusted to the light.

Too bad. I was kind of having fun in the dark with Casey.

"The electricity is back on," Casey points out, as if I couldn't tell. "That's a message from the bulletin of the obvious. Just FYI."

She's so cute and amusing. Not just her looks, but the whole package. Her personality is so unusual and so unlike anyone else I've ever known. I can't believe I almost let her go.

"You want to finish watching that awful movie?" she asks.

"No. You finished it for us, remember?" I find myself yawning and look at my wristwatch. It's only after ten, but I'm already so tired. "I'm actually getting pretty tired."

Casey looks at her watch too. "Tired and it's only after _ten_?" she asks in disbelief, shaking her head. "Wow. I'm going to have to re-train you."

That piques my curiosity, and I raise my eyebrows at her. "Re-train me for what?"

Casey shrugs innocently. "Nothing in particular. Just…ways." She looks at her watch again. "I guess I could go for turning in early too. Just this once." Her eyes are back on me and she hesitates before speaking again. "My bed is big. We could share it. If that doesn't make you uncomfortable, of course. There's no reason for either of us to sleep on the couch. I promise to keep my hands to myself."

I find myself rendered speechless by Casey's suggestion. It's been so long since I've had someone to sleep with…it might be nice. On the other hand, what if it's too soon? Of course we don't have to do anything except sleep, but what if something happens on its own? What if Casey _wants _or _expects _something to happen, and I do nothing? Or what if I make a move, and Casey thinks it's too soon?

I realize I'm overanalyzing the situation. I always do this. I was asked a simple question that calls for a simple answer. Why can't I just give it to her?

I've taken too long to respond and Casey picks up on it. "It's okay. You don't have to. I just thought maybe you'd prefer a bed over the couch. I've fallen asleep on the couch before and woken up pretty sore. It's not very soft."

She's right; it's a pretty firm couch. And I much prefer a soft cushy sleeping surface. Why be uncomfortable when I don't have to be, right?

"Actually the bed sounds fine. I'll be asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow," I finally manage to say with a smile.

Casey smiles as well and switches the TV off before standing up. "Great. Wait here; I'll get you something to sleep in."

I was planning on sleeping in the jeans and blouse I'm wearing…but I guess whatever Casey has will be fine. Sleeping in jeans is a little awkward; I know from experience.

Casey returns only a few moments later with several garments draped over her usable arm. "I wasn't sure if you're a pajamas sleeper, or a simple T-shirt sleeper?"

Well it depends. When I was with Olivia I usually slept in my birthday suit, but that's not an option here. Lately I've been sleeping in a tee and underwear so I guess that's what I'll go with now. "A t-shirt is fine."

Casey tosses me a white t-shirt and disappears back into her bedroom to get rid of the rest of the clothes. She calls out and asks me if I want pajama bottoms to wear with the t-shirt, but I tell her no.

I smile and actually laugh out loud when I discover it's a band t-shirt. Aerosmith; big surprise there. It appears to be old, as the print is faded quite badly and there are some tears in the shoulders on both sides.

Casey catches me examining the t-shirt as she comes back into the living room. "Yeah, I know it's ratty. That's why it's a sleep shirt now. Plus it's really big on me. It's comfy to sleep in, though. Unless you want something else?"

I shake my head, embarrassed that she caught me staring so hard at it. "No. It's fine."

"Okay. Because you were looking at it like it might bite you or something."

I laugh lightly. "Sorry. It's just that I don't have much experience with band shirts."

"I can imagine. Well, I'll leave you alone to change. I hope your body doesn't reject the rock n' roll shirt."

I'm blushing as Casey walks out of the room, and I'm thankful she doesn't see me. Every second that I spend in her apartment – and with her – makes me like her even more. She's so casual and easygoing about everything; a complete contrast to my uptight self. And she's _fun_; not all about her work. Which is something I wish I could be. Maybe Casey will be good for me.

By the time Casey reappears she is wearing white pajamas with snowboarding and sledding penguins all over them. I can't help but smile; how completely and totally Casey. I'm not surprised in the least. She has a different type of sling on than what she had been wearing, and I use my amazing powers of deduction to figure out this must be the most comfortable one to wear at night.

I have my jeans and blouse folded neatly on the couch beside me so I can wear them again tomorrow with minimal wrinkles. I'm feeling a bit nervous as Casey approaches, but I keep telling myself that this is going to be fine. There's no reason to make it awkward. Casey and I are both professional women, and adults.

Casey asks me again if I'm ready, and I stand and nod nervously as she goes around and turns off all the lamps and overhead lights. I know I should help since she has that bad shoulder right now, but instead I stand back and watch her. I don't want to interrupt her nightly routine.

Once the lights are out, I grab my cell phone and I follow Casey down the hall towards her bedroom.

"The people in the building across from me are going to be wondering why my lights are out at ten o'clock. Do you want me to leave the hallway light on?"

"I'm sure they don't spy on you…unless one of them has a telescope," I say with a grin as we step into Casey's room. "And no, you can turn the light out."

The hallway light switch is right outside Casey's door and she switches it off and leaves her door open. "Well maybe they'll spy on me now that I have a hot blonde in my room."

I blush again and momentarily look away from Casey and take her room in. The bedroom is larger than I expected, and I see a bathroom just to the left. The walls are beige color just like the rest of the apartment, and it's sparsely decorated. A large print of New York City at night hangs framed over Casey's large king size bed and there are a few shadow boxes on the walls containing various items. Her dresser is vast and oak, with several framed photographs adorning the top. And her bedspread is a brown color with flower print; not really what I expected Casey to use on her bed.

Casey tells me to "make myself comfortable" as she goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. I place my cell phone on the nightstand next to the other side of the bed and turn down the bedspread and sit down on the bed, my nervousness increasing by half. What does she want me to do? What is her definition of "comfortable?" I hope I haven't chosen her side of the bed…

I really wish Casey had a TV in her room. Even though I'm tired and wanting to sleep, a TV would be a good distraction from my thoughts right now. And a good icebreaker.

As soon as Casey emerges from the bathroom, I hit her with, "Why don't you have a TV in here?"

Casey shrugs. "I used to have one. But it only made my insomnia worse. It was just too easy to turn it on and start watching at all hours. I sleep better without it." She hesitates a moment, and then says, "If you like noise in the background I have a fan we can turn on and an alarm clock that has rain and nature sounds."

I can't tell her I only wanted the TV so I could avoid any awkward conversation between us. I'm sure she can already tell my level of nervousness by the way I'm playing with the hem of my T-shirt.

"No, it's okay. It was just a general observation."

"Well, okay then. If you need to get ready for bed, I have an extra un-used toothbrush I keep in the bathroom for guests. And I don't have a lot of guests, so it's remained un-used for quite some time. Feel free to use it if you'd like."

That gives me the out I need, and I casually slip into the bathroom and close the door behind me. I lean against the sink, staring at my reflection in the mirror.

_Alex, what are you __**doing**__? You're in over your head here. Having a date with Casey tonight was one thing…but spending the night is another altogether. What are you getting yourself into? Didn't you learn __**anything **__from the Olivia debacle? _

But Casey isn't like Olivia. The two are as different as black and white. I haven't known Casey nearly as long as I have Olivia, but there's one thing I'm sure of about her – she would never hurt me. Not intentionally anyway.

Casey's knock on the door jolts me from my mental back and forth, and as she asks me if I'm okay I realize I have been standing in front of the mirror for over ten minutes.

I shake my head to clear my jumbled thoughts and tell her, "Yes, I'm fine. Thanks. Just finishing up." I turn on the faucet as if to prove it, but I don't bother even looking for the toothbrush. All I want is to go to bed and get this night over with.

When I come out of the bathroom I find Casey sitting on the opposite side of the bed than what I'd chosen, and she has the light off and the lamp on the nightstand next to her on.

I give her a weak smile and slide into bed, pulling only the sheet over me. It's a bit hot in her bedroom and I know the bedspread will be too heavy.

"What do you want the alarm set for?" she asks me.

I point to my cell phone sitting right next to the alarm clock. "I have my phone set. But thanks."

Casey switches off the bedside lamp, tells me good night, and then that's that. Silence and darkness. I blink several times, just waiting for Casey to say something. But she doesn't. I can hear her shifting around, but she makes no other sound.

I lay on my back staring up at the darkness and listening to Casey's even breathing, and I wonder why I'm disappointed.

* * *

><p>I'm awakened by the sounds of someone crying out. My eyes snap open immediately, and I sit up straight, taking in my surroundings. It's nearly pitch black and the only light I can see is the numbers on the alarm clock and the glow of the moon around the edges of the closed blinds on the window across the room. It's all unfamiliar, and it takes me several panicked moments to remember I'm in Casey's room and that I haven't been kidnapped or something equally as bad.<p>

I hear it again – someone moaning – and it's coming from the person on the other side of the bed. Casey.

I'm immediately concerned. "Casey? Are you okay?"

"Alex," her voice is hoarse and pain-filled. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I'm all right."

She doesn't sound all right. Damn it, I wish I had access to the lamp from my side of the bed; I can't see her at all. "What's wrong? You were moaning. Did you have a nightmare?"

"It's nothing. I just rolled over onto my left side without realizing it and now my shoulder is hurting pretty bad. But I'm okay; go back to sleep. It's after three and you have to be up in a couple hours."

I don't care if I had to be up in less than an hour, there's no way I'm going back to sleep now. Not when I know Casey is suffering. Very carefully I get out of bed and feel my way around to Casey's side. I can't believe how dark her room is. Her blinds must be room-darkening blinds. Mine don't make it nearly this dark.

I manage to find the lamp and successfully turn it on. Right away Casey squints and turns her head away from it. She's sitting up against the headboard holding her left shoulder, and I see a thin layer of sweet on her forehead. She must really be hurting.

"Damn it, Alex, I said go back to bed. I'm fine," she scolds, but her voice is less-than threatening.

"Yeah, you look fine," I tell her sarcastically, reaching out and squeezing her good arm. "Where's your pain meds? Why didn't you get up to get one?"

"In the hallway bathroom medicine cabinet. I didn't want to wake you by getting up."

I feel my heart sink. How long has Casey been sitting here in pain and being too considerate of me to do anything about it?

I waste no time at all going into the bathroom and locating Casey's pills. The label on the bottle says the dosage is two at a time, so I empty two of the large white pills into my palm and go to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. As I'm filling up the glass, I hear thunder in the distance again. I guess we have another storm rolling in.

Casey is in pretty much the same shape when I return. I offer her my best Alex Cabot smile and sit down on the edge of the bed next to her as she takes the pills and drinks almost the entire glass of water. When she's done I take it from her and place it on the nightstand.

"Thank you," she says, with an easy smile.

"You're welcome, hon."

_Hon? _Did I just call her _hon_? I never say that!

To save myself from further embarrassment, I get up off the bed. "You going to be okay now? Want me to turn the light off?" Casey nods so I switch it off and feel my way back to my side of the bed again.

But I know I can't just lay there and go back to sleep. Those pills take a while to start working. How rude and insensitive it would be of me to just go back to sleep while Casey is kept awake by the pain in her shoulder.

So reluctantly I slide closer to Casey's side of the bed, until I can feel her. I think she's lying on her right side facing me, but I'm not sure, as I can't really see her. I don't want to reach out to touch her and end up poking her in the eye or anything, so I decide to use my voice to let her know my intentions.

"Does it hurt a lot, Casey?"

"No. It's fine."

I'm a lawyer; I can tell when I'm being lied to, even when I can't see the person. And I don't like it.

"Well, I'm here. When I was sick or in pain, I always found it made me feel better to have Olivia close to me."

I realize at that instant that my heart doesn't break and then stop when I speak her name any more. Instead it leaves a bitter taste behind, as if I never liked how it felt on my tongue anyway.

I hesitate again, not sure how Casey is going to react to what I'm about to say. "So if you need me, I'm right here. Sometimes just the closeness is comfort enough."

That's all I have to say. I hear Casey shift around again, and suddenly her head is resting on my chest. I can smell her shampoo on her long hair, as it's practically in my face, but I don't care.

I'm a little shocked at Casey's position at first, but I quickly recover and put my hand on her back, smiling to myself. I've not been on the receiving end of this very often; usually it was me who always used Olivia as a human pillow. But it feels nice to be able to offer comfort to someone.

And surprisingly, this doesn't feel awkward at all. Casey is completely relaxed and I find myself getting there quickly too.

I think Casey has fallen asleep until she says, "Alex?"

"Yes?"

After a slight hesitation, she says, "Thank you for being here."

Her voice and words are so sincere that I feel myself tearing up. It's been a long time since I felt someone appreciated me.

Choking back a small sob, I tell her, "Of course. Any time." Without realizing it I've started to rub small circles on her back.

Despite my earlier reservations, this evening has turned out to be wonderful. The power going out with a slight hitch, but lying here with Casey and making her feel better more than makes up for it. I wouldn't change anything that happened tonight.

And Casey chooses the absolute perfect way to end our night together. "I had a great time with you, Alex. How about another date?"

I can't hide the excitement in my voice or the smile on my face as I say, "Casey, I would love that."

**So what do you think? Do you like it? What would you like to see Alex and Casey do on their second date? Please review and tell me! Stay tuned; in the next chapter, Jack McCoy finds out about their relationship. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! Glad so many people are liking this. I wasn't sure the reaction I'd get, but I'm pleased! Thank you :) Hope you enjoy this update!**

When the alarm on my iPhone goes off the next morning promptly at five-thirty, Casey and I moan in unison. I'm lying on my back and Casey still has her head on my chest, and I'm so comfortable where I am that I just lie there and let the alarm continue to go off.

Casey groans again. "Alex. Turn the alarm off and go back to sleep."

"I can't – I have work, remember?"

Another groan comes from Casey and she rolls off me. "I never get up this early and I have to be in at the same time as you!"

"Well, that's why I always look better than you. More time to prepare," I say cockily as I get out of bed. I hate to leave the softness of the mattress…and Casey. I wish I could lie there all day.

Casey's response to my cockiness is throwing a pillow at me. She misses me by a mile.

I retrieve my clothes from the couch and go into Casey's bathroom. I'm going to have to go home and put on some work clothes before heading out, but for now I want something to change into. I finally utilize that unopened spare toothbrush of hers. She doesn't have my brand of toothpaste, but I make do with what she does have. As I'm getting ready to climb into the shower I allow my mind to rehash the events of the prior evening.

I had a wonderful time with Casey. An absolutely amazing time. Even though I had been nervous at first, that quickly faded. I can't believe how casual I am with Casey, how easily the banter comes. I don't feel like I have to put on a front or act a certain way around her – I'm relaxed and I allow myself to be _me_. Not many people make me feel this way. Casey is so easygoing and non-judgmental, which is hard to find in anyone.

It felt so good to sleep with her last night. Nothing happened sexually, but just her presence with me and the knowledge that I was comforting her allowed me to sleep better than I have since Olivia left me. It felt so good to be able to help Casey. And I could get used to waking up next to her – very easily.

And the way she finished that movie for us – how adorably original. She's so cute when she tells a story. I wonder if she knows how sexy her voice is. Maybe she does and that's why she talks all the time.

As I finish up my shower, I mentally scold myself for getting so ahead of myself. Casey and I haven't even really been "out" – watching a movie in her apartment doesn't constitute a real "date". And just because we slept in the same bed and Casey slept on my chest all night does not mean we technically "slept together". And who knows – maybe Casey didn't even like it.

I quickly dry my hair with Casey's hair dryer and throw my clothes from the day before on. I think this morning I am setting a speed record for getting ready for work.

Casey isn't in bed any more. I walk out of her bathroom to find the bedroom empty. I expected to find her still snoozing and I had planned on slipping out without re-waking her. But I guess she had other plans.

I wander down the hall towards the kitchen, and I can hear something sizzling and smell the aroma of bacon. I enter the kitchen to find Casey still in her pajamas with her back to me leaning over a skillet, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm sneaking up behind her.

She made me breakfast – how cute is that?

I must be making more noise than I thought, because Casey suddenly spins around and greets me with a smile and, "Good morning sunshine!"

"Well, for someone who was demanding I turn off my alarm and go back to sleep, you sure are chipper!" I take a look at the bacon cooking in the skillet. "And very domestic! What did I do to deserve this?"

I don't have the heart to tell Casey I don't really like bacon. It's so sweet of her to do this for me that I'd eat anything she made me.

Casey smiles at me again. "Domestic? Not sure about that…but I am cooking one-handed. So I guess I do deserve some praise." She turns around and points to the kitchen table, where there are two plates and two glasses of what appears to be orange juice sitting across from each other. "Have a seat. I will bring your breakfast to you."

I am so touched by Casey's gesture that I nearly tear up. God, she's so considerate and sweet! But I can't go sit down and watch her serve me. She has a broken shoulder, for crying out loud! She can sit down, and I will serve _her_.

I move to take the spatula from her hand, but she pushes me away. "Casey, _you _sit down. You've done enough for me. I can finish; cooking bacon is within my abilities. It's nearly done anyway."

Casey just shakes her head and goes back to turning the bacon over. "No. You're my guest; I insist on making your breakfast. And besides, you really helped me last night." She locks eyes with me and turns very serious. "Thank you."

That may be one of the most sincere things anyone has ever said to me. I smile and nod in response, not sure what the appropriate verbal response would be right now.

I realize it means a lot to Casey to be able to make my breakfast, so I finally relent and go sit down at the table. I promise to myself that the next time it will be me making my famous pancakes.

"I have to eat quick – I need to go home and put on some work appropriate clothes before heading to the office."

Casey suggests I go take a look in her closet and see if she has anything that may work for me. We are about the same height, though I think I'm a bit skinner than she is. And I'm not sure what she has is really my style, but there are a few spare moments before breakfast is done so I decide to take a look anyway.

I have this funny thing about wearing other people's clothes. Wearing Casey's old t-shirt to bed didn't bother me in the least, but wearing something of hers to work is most likely not going to happen. Clothes are a reflection on the person wearing them – they're _your _style. All my blouses and blazers are tailored to fit me perfectly, and I always make sure my pants are pressed. Looking at Casey's clothes it's pretty clear she doesn't have the same level of care for her clothes as I do with mine. And that's okay – she's obviously not as pretentious as I.

I'm about to close the door to her walk-in closet when a garment behind one of her blue blazers catches my eye. It seems oddly out of place and I push the blazer forward so I can see it.

And when I do, I start to laugh. It's a baseball jersey with the words "Sex Crimes" on the front.

"Find anything that will work?"

Casey's voice from the doorway startles me, and I turn around to face her. I'm still laughing and I reach out and grab the hanger containing the baseball jersey and hold it up. "I think I'll wear this."

Casey laughs as well and comes into the room. "You should. It would look super cute on you. You'd have to pull your hair back, though." She comes up beside me and takes the hanger from me, looking down at the jersey. "I can't wait until I can play again. After my shoulder heals, you'll have to come watch me play. We don't play often, but it's fun."

"Are you any good?"

Casey shrugs. "I'd show off for you. And maybe I could get _you _to play as well."

Alex Cabot playing baseball? That's unheard of. I don't do anything that requires getting dirty. I freely admit I'm much too prissy for that. Riding on Casey's scooter is the most exciting thing I've ever done.

"I don't do sports. But I'd definitely come and watch you. I'll bet you look cute in that thing, despite the unfortunate words on the front."

And it's true – my mind is already picturing her wearing it; and I like what I see, even though it's only in my mind.

Casey hangs the jersey back in the closet and closes the door. "Maybe I won't make you wait until then to see me in it."

Something about the way she says this gives me the chills, and when she reaches out and takes my arm to lead me back to the kitchen I get goosebumps. Her touch is so soft and caring, and she's talking excitedly about the last time she played while we walk back to the kitchen.

Yes, it's true – I think I am officially falling for Casey Novak.

* * *

><p>I hesitate outside the door to Jack McCoy's office. I can hear him talking softly; most likely on the phone. Every once in awhile his voice hits a higher pitch, and I know immediately that he's not in a good mood.<p>

I should turn around and go back to my office right now. But I know this can't wait, and the longer I put it off the worse it's going to be. I have to tell him about me and Casey's relationship. As our boss he has a right to know, and we have no right to keep it from him. If he were to find out by other means that we were in a relationship, the consequences to us would be bad. So I might as well avoid that all here and now.

I stand outside the door until I've heard McCoy hang up the phone, and then I wait a full minute before knocking.

Immediately McCoy tells me to come in, and I catch a hint of annoyance in his voice. I wince as I open the door, but as soon as he can see me I put on my best professional smile and stand upright.

"Do you have a minute? I have something I'd like to discuss with you," I tell him, keeping the confidence in my voice and making eye contact and holding it.

McCoy motions for me to take a seat in front of his desk. "I always have time for you, Alex. What's on your mind?"

I let out a small sigh of relief – maybe he isn't in as bad a mood as I thought. Maybe this will be okay. I just have to tell him outright – I can't dance around it. McCoy doesn't like games.

"I wanted to inform you that Casey Novak and I have started dating. I realize this may be a conflict since I'm her supervisor, but I can assure you it will not affect our work situation. We're both able to separate our personal lives from our professional lives, and I can promise you our relationship will be kept outside of the building."

There. I said it. Very direct, and very sincere. I had rehearsed just what I wanted to say on the walk over from my office, and I'm pleased at how it came out.

At first McCoy says nothing. He seems surprised, but not mad or upset per say. My rapidly beating heart is slowing down once I realize I'm not about to be destroyed.

I wish he would just say something, or I had magic telepathic powers and could read his thoughts. I know he's thinking about his two ADAs dating…and I'm sure he doesn't like it.

Finally, after what seems like hours, he says, "When did this happen?"

"Just recently. We're going on our second date tomorrow night. It's not serious yet, but I think it's going to be. I care about her a lot, and we have fun together." As soon as I've said that last sentence, I want to take it back. I sound like a blushing schoolgirl talking about a crush! How unprofessional.

McCoy sighs, and I can't tell whether it's in resignation or disapproval, or both. But I'm about to find out. He shakes his head and leans forward. "I can't say I'm thrilled – workplace romances are usually messy. And you're right, since you're Casey's supervisor it _is _a conflict."

I swallow harshly and I feel all my hope disappear. He's going to say he doesn't approve. He's going to tell me I can't date Casey.

"However, you're not going to be her supervisor for much longer…so I don't see a problem with you two dating each other."

I'm relieved to say the least, but also curious as to why he'd say I wasn't going to be her supervisor for much longer. A horrible thought occurs to me – did she somehow mess up? Is he going to fire her, or transfer her?

Despite my concerns, I put on a smile. "Thank you, sir. And may I ask why I am not going to be Casey's supervisor for much longer?"

"Her probation is nearly up. She has less than a month left. Considering nothing drastic happens in that month, she'll be taken off probation and moved to an office down the hall."

This feels bittersweet. When I first got the job of being Casey's supervisor, I was angry and resentful for having to share my office and babysit someone. I hated Casey being there, and it seemed she was always in my way. But now I can't imagine her _not _being there. I actually like listening to her ramble on about traffic or something a judge or another attorney did to make her angry in court. It's relaxing, and she's just the distraction I need to escape from my busy days. And now she's going to be moved out of my office?

I hope McCoy doesn't catch the disappointment on my face. After all, this is good news for Casey – I should be happy for her, instead of sad for myself. What's wrong with me?

"That's wonderful news, sir; she's certainly earned it," is what I manage to say aloud.

McCoy nods and sits back in his chair, never breaking eye contact with me. "Now, Alex, you have to know that just because I'm _accepting _your relationship with Casey doesn't mean I _approve _of it. I have the same reservations I had when you were dating Detective Benson; even more so since you and Casey are both under my command. I expect you both to stay objective and professional. As you promised, leave your relationship at the door. No hand holding, no kissing, no excessive touching…when you and Casey are in this building and in the courtroom, you are colleagues and colleagues only. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir," I say gratefully, knowing this could have turned out much worse. He could have forbid us to date, or transferred one of us to avoid any conflict. We really got off easy.

He nods and finally breaks eye contact with me, looking at an open folder on his desk. "If that's all, I need to return to my work. And I'm sure you have some as well."

I take this as my cue to leave, so I quickly stand and thank him once more, as politely as I possibly can. I don't linger in his office. I make a beeline for his door, but he stops me before I can quite get there.

"And Alex – I hope Casey makes you happy. Truly happy. You deserve it."

I smile at him again, and this one is genuine. "She does, sir. Thank you."

When I get back to my office, I see a bouquet of flowers sitting on my desk. Becca notices me looking at them for my doorway, and comes up beside me. "They came while you were out. So pretty. You must have an admirer."

I have a pretty good idea who they are from. I can't stop smiling as I sit down behind my desk and open the card.

_Alex – Thanks again for last night. Sorry I burned the bacon this morning. I hope these flowers make it up to you. Thank you for being such a wonderful, amazing person. I can't wait to see you again. – Casey_

I can't stop a tear from trickling down my cheek. I _am _happy right now.

* * *

><p>Casey beat me at Monopoly. Twice. This is unacceptable.<p>

"I want to play again," I tell her as she's packing the board up.

She chuckles and looks across her table at me. "It took us nearly four hours to play two games! Our Saturday is almost gone – so no, we aren't playing again. We're going out tonight."

But I lost. I never lose at Monopoly! My strategies are usually better than my opponents. How the heck did Casey manage to beat me _twice_?

"Let's just stay in. And play again. Or play something else – like chess." I'm a champ at chess. There's no way she'd beat me at that.

But Casey stubbornly shakes her head. "No. We agreed on a _real _date. I played your game…now you have to do what I want to do. Stop being a sore loser."

I'm not a sore loser….I just don't like to lose.

I realize I'm not going to win, so I help Casey pack the game up and put it away. Her shoulder is hurting a bit today so I want to make sure whatever she picks for us to do involves minimal activity. At least activity that would involve her shoulder.

"I'm almost afraid to ask you what you've chosen for us to do," I tell her as I follow her to the living room. "With you, it could be _anything_."

We both sit down on the couch, and Casey sits as close to me as possible. Her leg is touching mine, and I'm sure that's intentional. "You're a fast learner, Alex my dear – I'm very random! You never know what you're going to get with me. But don't you like surprises?"

"It depends on what it involves me to do."

"All it involves is you cutting loose and having fun. You're capable of that, right? You played the Wii with me, rode on my scooter…I think you can handle anything I throw your way." As if to prove her point, Casey stands up and offers me her hand. "So trust me – you'll have fun. Now come on. We're going out."

I take her hand and allow her to pull me up off the couch. I'm already going over every possible scenario in my head. But I have an advantage – Casey can't keep me in suspense for long. She isn't supposed to drive yet because of her shoulder, so I have to drive us. She has no choice but to tell me where we're going.

Casey gets her car keys from her purse and hands them to me with a smile. "Here you go, Miss Chauffer."

"Where am I taking us? Alex's Taxi Service doesn't operate unless the customer tells her where she's taking them."

Casey just smiles and says, "The bowling alley on Third Street." Then she starts for the door as if that's the most natural thing in the world to say.

The bowling alley? She wants to go _bowling_? Has she lost it? I have never bowled! Not to mention the fact that I don't want to spend my evening sitting in a drab bowling alley inhaling second-hand smoke all night and watching people get drunk off their asses and make fools of themselves.

So I say the first objection that comes to mind. "Uh, Casey – you can't bowl. What about your shoulder?"

"I bowl with my right arm, doofus. It's my left shoulder that's broken, in case you hadn't noticed."

"Of course I noticed. But you still won't be able to. It takes your whole upper body to bowl. You're going to be hurting."

Casey chuckles at me. "Have you ever bowled before, Alex?"

I look away sheepishly. "No"

Casey laughs again. "Oh, you are just way too cute. We're definitely going now. I have to see you bowl for the first time. I don't care if I re-break my shoulder – I have to witness this." She opens the door and holds it wide open for me. "Let's go. Stop hesitating."

"Maybe we could go grab a bite to eat instead – "

"They have food at the alley. I'll buy us a pizza and mozzarella sticks." She shepherds me out the door. "Now _go_."

And I know I have no choice.

The bowling alley is busy for only being a little after five. As soon as we walk through the doors, I am bombarded with the sounds of pins being knocked over, electronic beeps from the nearby arcade games, people shouting and laughing loudly, and the heavy aroma of cigeratte smoke. It's almost worse than a bar. Great; I'm going to leave here smelling like an ashtray.

Yep, the bowling alley is pretty much what I expected.

We got to the front counter where we order three games and then the cashier behind the counter asks us our shoe size. I'm puzzled as to why, until he places two sets of shoes on the counter. Two sets of ugly, worn out, dirty shoes.

Casey takes one of the pairs and hands the other to me, giving no reaction whatsoever. I'm still staring at mine, and holding them with two fingers. They stink, and if Casey thinks I'm putting them on my feet, she is completely crazy!

I follow Casey over to where we make our ball selection and it's then I'm able to vocalize my displeasure. "Casey – I am not wearing these shoes!"

Casey has started checking out the balls already and barely looks at me. "I know they look like clown shoes, but all bowling shoes do. They won't let you wear your regular shoes."

"I get that. And it's not the fact that they're ugly that makes me not want to wear them – it's the fact that they stink and they're dirty!" I have to talk loudly over the noise in the alley, and a man sitting at a nearby table is looking at me and frowning. He obviously doesn't like me bashing anything to do with his favorite sport.

Casey stands up and shoots him a glance, and then looks back at me. "Alex, relax. People wear them everyday."

"Exactly my point! I am not putting on shoes that literally _hundreds _of people have worn before me! That's disgusting, Casey!"

Casey seems a little hurt by my words. "Well, you don't have a choice. Like I said, they won't let you wear your regular shoes. So unless you want to go buy some, you're kind of stuck with them."

Maybe this is my chance to get out of here. "The other option is to go find something else to do. Something that doesn't involve wearing disgusting used shoes."

And that's when Casey loses it. She turns away from the rack of balls and says, "Fine. If that's what you want, then let's go. I thought we would have fun, but obviously you already have it in your head that you're going to have a miserable time, so let's just leave. I'll drop you off at your apartment."

And suddenly I feel horrible. I've hurt her. Casey was trying to make me experience something I never have, and all I did was make fun and act like a spoiled princess. I never stopped to think that _Casey _really wanted to go bowling. All I focused on was how much I _didn't _want to.

Casey made me breakfast yesterday morning. She had flowers sent to my office. She is the sweetest person ever – how can I be so insensitive?

"Case – I'm sorry," I offer sincerely as she gets a few feet from me. To my relief she stops and turns around. She still looks upset, but at least I have her attention. "I'm really sorry. That was rude – and pompous – of me. I admit I'm not thrilled to be here, but you want to be, so I'll give it a chance." I take her hand and squeeze it, making sure to look her in the eyes. "I'm really sorry. Please don't leave."

Casey looks at me for a few minutes, and then loses all her resolve. Her anger quickly fades and she smiles at me. "Okay. Just stop being a diva."

She forgives so easily – I really don't deserve it. And she's right; I do have to stop being a diva.

We select our balls; I pick a pink one with white swirls and Casey picks a black one with a mean looking dog's face on it and the name "Roger" inscribed below. We both start to laugh. I guess Casey is going to be Roger for the rest of the night.

We find our assigned alley and I finally force myself to put on the disgusting overly used clown shoes. I tell myself over and over that I'm doing this for Casey, and I silently promise my socks I'll wash them twice after this.

Casey has a bit of difficulty putting her shoes on one-handed, so I help her. I crouch down and put them on for her, and I even tie them. While I'm still on the floor, I give her a smile and say, "Who's the diva now? I had to put your shoes on for you. Pathetic, Casey."

Casey makes a face at me and tells me that I'm rotten and she hates me. Sure. Like I believe that one.

I sit down at the console and read the directions for putting our names into the scoring computer. Casey comes up to join me and sits so close on the plastic bench that I can feel her warm breath on the side of my face. I have this intense urge to kiss her right now, but I hold off. That can wait until _after _the date.

"Can you figure this out, or is too advanced for you?" Casey asks in a mocking tone.

I roll my eyes at her. "I hate you as much as you hate me. I think I can manage with this. Go order that pizza and those mozzarella sticks you promised. I'll take care of this."

"Are you sure? I don't want to come back and see the computer smoking or anything…"

"How would you be able to tell it's the computer with all the smoke around?" I taunt good-naturedly. "Now go get that pizza! I'm hungry."

I wait until Casey has disappeared from sight before I enter our names in. I'm grinning as I enter hers – Roger. She's going to hate me even more when she comes back.

Casey returns a few minutes later and barely glances at the overhead monitor. All she says is, "They'll deliver the food to our table when it's ready. I see you figured it out. Congratulations."

She doesn't notice that I've called her Roger until we're set up and ready to go and it's Roger's turn.

Casey sees the name on the monitor and turns around to glare at me as she takes her ball. "You're just horrible, Alex," she says with a light laugh.

I watch her get in position and throw her ball. Immediately she holds her left shoulder, and I know that was painful for her to that. Just as I said it would be. But she's smiling when she turns back around, and I realize she's knocked down every pin except one.

When her ball comes back she throws it again, and this time she doesn't grab her shoulder, though I'm sure she felt the same motion in it as she did with her first ball. She successfully knocks down the one remaining pin and then comes back to where I am sitting on the white plastic bench and gloats to me.

"See? When you pick it up, that's called a _spare_." She plops down beside me. "It's your turn now. I can't wait."

"That hurt your shoulder, didn't it?" I ask in concern, completely ignoring her request for me to take my turn.

She looks away from me quickly. "Not too badly. I'll be okay." She points to the lane. "Go! I want to see this."

I decide to humor her. I grab my ball, and I realize as I'm carrying to where Casey threw hers from that it's heavier than I expected. I'm about to try and line up where I'm standing when suddenly Casey is behind me.

"Wait, Alex, you're holding it wrong." She leads me back to the ball return and places my ball in it, and then shows me the correct fingers to use. "Make sure you tighten them inside the holes. It's not specifically drilled to your hand, so it will probably be loose. You don't want to drop it on your foot." I look at her in horror, and she chuckles at me again. "Pick it up. I'll show you how to do your approach. You won't drop it, I promise. Just follow my example. I'll throw your first ball for you; just watch and do exactly as I do." She gets her ball from the return as well and I follow her back out to the lane. "See those arrows on the lane? That's how you line up where you want to throw your ball. Stay focused on them, and keep your wrist straight as you release the ball. You don't want to twist your wrist, or you'll end up with a gutter ball."

I watch her closely as she throws her ball and this time I see her wince and bite her lip, but I say nothing about it. I don't want to nag her all night long.

She's so patient and understanding. I remember how she was so gentle and caring when she told me how to hold on when we rode the scooter. And how she took her time and explained how the Wii worked to me. And when she fixed my computer she was just as patient as she is now.

She knocks down eight pins and I'm left standing next to her awkwardly, knowing I won't be able to pick up the spare. My posture is off with this heavy ball, and the awful bowling shoes are killing my feet. But I know I have to throw it anyway. For Casey.

So I approach much the same way Casey did and attempt to line up my ball to the arrows. Then I bend down and release it. And I stumble forward and nearly fall onto the lane.

The ball goes right into the right gutter. No hesitation. As if it was pulled by a magnet.

Casey is trying not to laugh as I sulk back over to her. She gives me a sympathetic look, but she can't rid herself of her smile and I can hear the laughter wanting to come out. "That was a nice first try, Alex!"

I sit down on the bench, frowning. "It went right into the gutter."

"So did mine the first time I ever bowled." She sits down next to me. "It's a lot different than Wii bowling, huh?"

"Yeah. At least I knocked down some pins on that one."

"Aw. You're still cute." Casey rests her head on my shoulder and starts playing with my hair. "Maybe even more cute when you're losing. Because you hate it so much."

It's Casey's turn, but I wish she'd sit here with her head on my shoulder forever instead of getting up to take her turn. I love the way she feels against me. It feels natural, perfect.

We make it halfway through the first game before Casey finally tells me her shoulder hurts too much to continue. By now our food has arrived and I suggest we pack it up and go back to her place, but she insists we stay to eat and I finish out the game by myself.

I bowl in between bites of pizza and sips of soda. I do terribly – gutter balls are rampant, and the few pins I do manage to knock down probably only fall over because they feel sorry for me. And every time I return to the table, Casey and I laugh even harder at how terrible I am.

I can't believe this night has turned out this way. I had been dreading bowling so much. And yes, I am horrible at it, but I'm actually having fun. I've relaxed and Casey makes it fun. She makes everything fun. You could be going to get a root canal and if Casey were with you she'd be making you laugh and have fun and you'd forget you were about to have your teeth drilled.

I've finished our game and we're polishing off the rest of the pizza and relaxing when Casey reaches across the table and covers my hand with hers. "Thanks for coming with me. I know you didn't want to; I know this isn't your scene at all. I know you did it for me. Thank you."

I manage a smile at her. "Of course. Sorry I was such a pain when we first got here."

"It's okay; I've already forgotten about it."

Since we aren't going to bowl our other two games we should probably pack it up and go home so someone else can have our lane, but instead we stay seated at the table and we talk. Nonstop. About everything. Work, current events, work again. And somehow we get on the subject of celebrities. Casey hates celebrity gossip almost as much as I do.

"You know those stupid names the media comes up with for celebrity couples? Like they call Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Brangelina, and Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise TomKat?"

I know exactly what she means, and I laugh. "Yes. That's so lame! I hate when they do that."

She just smiles at me. "Well I was thinking, if we were famous, they would call us Calex."

Calex – that's perfect. And adorable; almost as adorable as Casey herself. "That's cute! That describes us perfectly."

"I think so too," Casey says softly, keeping her eyes locked on mine to convey pure sincerity. "But it's not perfect."

"Why not?"

"There's only one thing perfect in this world." Casey gets up out of her seat and comes around to where I am sitting. She takes my cup of Mountain Dew out of my hand and sets it on the table. Then she kisses me and says, "_You_."

**So...what do you think? A good choice for a second date? Hope you enjoyed this! In the next chapter, Casey meets Alex's parents :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! Glad you are enjoying this story so far! Enjoy this chapter :) I am happy with how it turned out!**

Casey came back to work today, and it just so happens that today is one the most stressful days I've had in awhile.

I had a really bad morning in court. A plea got changed during my early morning arraignment. I was so sure we would be able to avoid trial. The defense attorney had assured me her client was going to plead guilty and accept the offer on the table, but he changed his mind at the last minute and as a result, another trial has been added to my already too-packed calendar.

Then not even two hours later my star witness failed to appear at her brother's trial. I had spent hours prepping her testimony over the past week. I thought she understood the importance of her appearance. With failing to appear she ignored a subpoena, and regretfully I had to send Amaro and Rollins to her apartment to collect her. The last I'd heard she had not been at home or at work.

The day is half over – thank goodness – and I have only seen Casey once today. She had a full day in court too, and I hope it went better for her than it did for me

The icing on the cake for me is the note I find on my desk from McCoy almost as soon as I enter my office.

In McCoy's neat and deliberate handwriting are the words, "_See me before end of business today." _Great. What did I do now?

I let out a sigh and fall into the chair behind my desk. Immediately my office phone buzzes and I let out a groan before hitting the answer button and managing an annoyed, "Yes?"

Becca's voice comes over the speaker on my phone, "I know you've had a busy today and I thought I'd remind you of your late lunch meeting in a half hour."

I'm glad she reminded me. I would have forgotten. Forgotten due to lack of interest, I should say. I'm less than thrilled about having to endure an hour with two of New York's most stoic judges.

I wish Casey were able to go with me. She would at least make it bearable. She'd make it fun somehow and probably make me burst out laughing at the most inappropriate time.

But Casey has tried to stay away from judges and even other attorneys since her return to the DA's office. She's more than mindful of her reputation and even though I don't think she has anything to prove to anyone, she seems to think she does and chooses not to subject herself to our colleagues any more than is required.

I thank Becca for her reminder and switch off the speaker, then I drop my head onto my desk with another loud and purposeful groan.

That's the moment when I hear my door open, and then Casey's cheerful voice say, "Hi sunshine! Enjoying your nap?"

I immediately snap my head and smile. The smile isn't directed at her; it's more for me, and a reaction to the joy I feel about Casey being here at this moment. I already feel better. The monster headache that had started seems to have retreated, and I'm no longer wallowing in self-pity about my lunch meeting. All I can think about is that Casey's here and I'm so happy to see her.

Yes, that's the effect Casey has on me.

"I'm not napping; I'm just resting," I tell her as I yawn and take off my glasses so I can rub my eyes. "I've had a really bad day."

I watch Casey go to her desk and something seems to have caught her eye. She sits down and I see her pick up a small yellow slip of paper. The same shade of yellow that my note from McCoy was written on.

She reads it, and then her eyes go to me. "What does McCoy want to see me about?" I catch a hint of apprehension in her voice. She's obviously worried she's done something wrong and about to lose her license for another three years.

I hold up my yellow note and Casey seems to relax a bit. "I don't know – he wants to see me too. I guess we're both fired."

Casey pulls her desk drawer open and takes out her bottle of pain pills. She empties a few into her hand and washes them down with the bottle of water she has sitting on her desk. Then she rolls her eyes at me and says, "I'm innocent this time. If you're going down, you're alone."

"Thanks a lot. How does your shoulder feel? Is it sore?"

She shakes her head. "No. I'm okay; don't start fussing over me. The day's almost over and I'm still alive. What else do you have to do today?"

"I have to go to a horrible late lunch meeting with judges and attorneys. I'd rather be going to the dentist and getting a full root-canal with no Novacane."

Casey laughs at me and I smile again. I love her laugh so much. It's adorable. And she's always so happy. That's adorable too.

"I would go with you, but I have a mountain of paperwork to do, so you'll have to soldier on without me." To illustrate her point, Casey places her hand on a closed case folder on her desk, which is stuffed to the brim with papers. She pouts at me. "Can you make it without me?"

I sigh. "I think I'll shrivel up and die. Especially since I haven't seen you for more than ten minutes today. I need some pepping up; work your magic."

Casey's expression changes to complete seriousness and she says, "I would love to, Alex, but you didn't ask me about my day. And I have a big problem right now."

That catches my attention and I lose my self-pity again. "What is it?"

"I don't know if you can help me or not."

Now I'm really concerned. It's not like Casey to be so serious; even at work she's usually casual and she always jokes around with me. Just seconds ago she was doing that very thing. Something is definitely wrong. Maybe her day has been as bad as mine.

I get up from my desk and approach her. "Well, I'll certainly try and help you; you know that." I sit on the edge of her desk and cross my arms in front of my chest. "What is it?"

A smile breaks out on Casey's face and she looks away from me. "I'm having highly inappropriate thoughts about my supervisor."

I immediately calm down, and a smile creeps onto my own face. "Oh? What kind of thoughts?"

Casey meets my eyes and grins even wider. "_Really _inappropriate ones."

I really want to indulge her, but I know this is not the time or place. McCoy warned me about carrying on in the building, and besides, I'm not the type to have a fling in my office. When I'm at work I'm strictly business. I wouldn't even allow Olivia to even kiss me when she came to visit me at work. She always understood.

I hope Casey does, too.

I look at the clock on the wall above our heads. I should be getting out of here right about now. "Casey…I'd love for you to tell me those inappropriate thoughts, but it's going to have to wait until after work. And even though you look adorable right now, I still have to leave you to go to that meeting. We're at work, Case; you know what McCoy said. We can't bring our relationship into this office."

Casey reaches out and brushes her hand against mine and I feel myself stiffen. Her touch feels so good and if she keeps it up I'm going to completely give in to her. I need it. I need _her._

But Casey restrains herself. "I know…I'm sorry. But I've been thinking about you all day. And I thought maybe I could take you to dinner after work and we could go for a walk. I know a Monday date is an odd thing, but I'm an odd person, so it all works out."

God, Casey, stop being so cute! I notice she curled her long hair today…I'm sure it's for me. It's not her usual look. She knows I like her hair.

"Alex? Can you at least give me some sort of verbal response instead of just staring at me like that?"

Casey's words make me snap out of my daze and I feel my face grow crimson with embarrassment; I hadn't meant to stare, nor was I aware I was even doing so.

"I'm sorry – you're just the distraction I needed today. And I liked what I was staring at." Casey smiles at that. "But to answer your question, yes, I would love to go on a Monday date with you." Or a Tuesday date, or a Wednesday date…any day of the week would work, actually. I love being with Casey.

She gives me another adorable smile and seems genuinely exited. "Good. No go away. Go to your meeting. I have to get into this paperwork or I won't be done in time to take you out."

"Don't get ahead of yourself – we both have to face McCoy before we can go home today. Whatever he wants to see us for. If he cans you, you won't be able to afford to take me out. I'd have to take _you _out," I tease Casey as I get up off her desk.

She makes a face at me. "I should make you pay now just because you said that. And what if he fires _you_? Like I said, I'm actually innocent. I haven't done anything."

"You're an angel, right?"

Casey draws a halo in the air above her head, as if to prove the point. "Yep. A very well-behaved angel. I've been good for almost a year. When the leash comes off, I'll get rid of my halo."

I look at the clock again. If I don't leave now, I'm not going to make it in time. But I can't seem to make myself move. I like being here with Casey too much. I love our easy banter, and the warm feeling I get when I'm with her. I know as soon as I leave her, the stresses of the day will find me again. So I'll linger here as long as possible.

"Alex! Go!" Casey is looking at the clock now too. "Did you lose the ability to tell time?"

I shake my head, not able to take my eyes away from Casey. There's something I want to ask her and I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate…until now.

I take a deep breath and take the plunge. "I'm going to visit my parents in the Hamptons this weekend – I want you to go with me."

I don't phrase it as a question; that way it leaves little room for argument.

But being a lawyer, Casey finds a way to argue it anyway. She looks at me as if I just asked her to go out and commit murder. "Your parents? In the Hamptons? It's a little early to be meeting the parents, Alex…and the Hamptons aren't really my scene."

"They'll love you, Casey. I know we haven't been going together that long…but I've told my mom about you. She wants to meet you. So does my father. They said they would love it if you came along with me this weekend." Casey still doesn't seem to be going for it, so I give her the puppy dog eyes. "Please, Case? Do it for me?"

It's Casey's turn to sigh. "As tempting as that is…I think I would be really uncomfortable. Like you said, we haven't been going together that long…and what if they don't like me?"

"We've been friends for nearly a year before we started dating. You _know _me, Casey. My parents don't bite. They are normal people who will adore you as much as I do. There is no possible way for them not to like you."

She still doesn't seem convinced. She looks very nervous, which is something I've never seen her be before. "What if I'm not what they want for you? I'm very different from Olivia…"

"Casey." I sit back down on her desk and take her hand in my own. I force her to look at me. "Listen to me. My parents want me to be happy. That's all they've ever wanted for me. And _you _make me happy. Just because of that, they'll love you. And we'd have a great time. We could get away from the city. My parent's property is beautiful."

Casey seems to be caving. She has that look of resignation in her eyes. But she still says, "I don't know, Alex. Spending an entire weekend away together this early in a relationship could be bad. So much could go wrong."

A sly smile breaks out across my face. "You're scared. Casey Novak, who stands up to every judge in New York and runs her mouth like a marathon; who rides a scooter and bowls and likes rollercoasters – is _scared_. You can ride your scooter in the middle of the night with no helmet at its top speed, but meeting my parents scares you?"

"You're damn right. The Cabots terrify me." She smiles as well. "Especially if they're anything like you."

I shake my head and can't hide the amusement in my voice. "Wow. You're really something. That amuses me, Casey."

"I'm glad. Now go. I'll think about it while you're gone and give you an answer when you come back."

I really do have to go now. I'm going to be late as it. Oh well; I'll call it fashionably late. But there's something I have to do first.

I'm breaking my own strict work rules here, but I can't help myself. I get off Casey's desk and then lean over and give her a kiss. She seems surprised, but kisses me back.

As we pull apart, we're both grinning at each other. "I broke my own rules for you. I think a deserve an answer _now._"

The grin never leaves Casey's face as she says, "Well, I can't really say no to that, can I?"

* * *

><p>I'm the brave one who volunteers to go see McCoy first. I figure if he's angry and this is going to be an ass-chewing, he might as well get his frustration out on me. I can't imagine what I – or Casey – could have done to deserve an ass-chewing, but you never know.<p>

The walk to his office is a long one, filled with nervous jumbled-up thoughts. What if this is about me and Casey's relationship? What if he decided he doesn't want us going together? Or what if someone else found out, and he's taking heat for it? I couldn't bear to have to end things with Casey because of it. I don't know if I even _would._

"You wanted to see me, sir?" I use the politest voice I can muster as I knock on McCoy's open office door. He looks up from his paperwork and gestures me inside.

The atmosphere of his office is calm and he seems to be in a good mood. I don't think this is going to be an ass-chewing after all, and slowly I start to calm down and relax a little.

"You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you both you and Casey today." McCoy gets right to the point. That's one thing I like about him; he doesn't waste time with small talk. He gets to the point, and gets there quickly.

"It is curious, yes."

McCoy nods, as if he had been expecting that answer. "Neither of you are in trouble. I wanted to inform you that as of start of business next Monday, you are no longer Casey's supervisor. I terminated her probation early, due to her outstanding job performance these past eleven months. It's only two weeks early, but I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture anyway. There is an office open a few doors down from you and within the week we'll have her name on the door. Perhaps you can help her move her things into her new office."

I should be happy for Casey – this is good news. Even two weeks early is quite a compliment, especially from McCoy. I can't help but think that maybe this has something to do with our relationship, that maybe by removing me from my supervisory position over Casey it makes it easier to deal with somehow.

I should be happy; but I'm not. I feel exactly the same way I did the last time I sat in this office and had McCoy tell me I had less than a month left of having Casey in my office with me. I feel sad that she's no longer going to be there, and angry at myself for being so damn selfish. She's just going to be down the hall; seeing her is only going to require me to walk. It shouldn't be such a big deal.

But it is. I've loved sharing my office with Casey lately, even though I hated it eleven months ago. She makes me smile, makes me laugh, and I even like her pointless chatter about things I don't care about. I love sitting behind my desk on my laptop and having Casey be at her desk talking to me while working. It's relaxing. I can't believe I'm not going to have that anymore.

God Alex, what's wrong with you? This is wonderful news for Casey, and all you can think about is yourself? You have to at least _pretend _to be happy!

I know I can't let on to how I really feel, so I smile and say, "That's great, sir. You're making the right decision. Casey deserves it. And I won't tell her; I'll let you give her the good news personally."

McCoy briefs me on how he's going to have us divide the caseload, and then dismisses me with instructions to send Casey in.

She's gone for maybe twenty minutes before coming back into our office with a huge smile on her face, which I'm obligated to return. Only hers is genuine and mine is not.

"He told you? I actually made it through my probation without being kicked to the curb again, Alex! I can't believe it!"

She's so excited that I'm actually starting to be a little happy for her too. "You can't believe it? You didn't think you'd make it?"

She laughs a little and says, "No. I thought my mouth would get me in trouble. Or my stupidity again. But now I'm unleashed, and I've learned my lesson. And you – " Casey comes over to where I'm sitting behind my desk and actually sits on my lap. I have to stifle a laugh. "Are such a sweetheart for putting up with me!"

Casey stares at me and plays with my hair and I suppress the urge to break my rules again and kiss her. But I don't; I know I can't make that a habit. We can't take that risk, especially now.

"Well, I'll admit it wasn't always a picnic. I hated you being here at first. But I've grown quite fond of you…and now I'm going to be sad that you're not here with me. I'll miss you doing paperwork and running your mouth."

That sounds pathetic and desperate. I can't believe I just admitted that! Way to embarrass yourself, Alex! Casey is probably going to laugh at me now.

But she doesn't. Instead she leans her head against my chest and says, "I'll miss you too. But I'm only going to be down the hall. I can still bother you all the time. I'll even come in here and do my paperwork sometimes. You'll get tired of me anyway now that we're dating. In a couple weeks you'll be glad I have my own office."

That's not possible. Anyone else I could tire of, but it's not even a distant possibility with Casey. She's too unique and special for me to ever get tired of her.

"I don't think so. I rather like having you around. You're handy with the computer, nice to look at, and you're kind of helpful with the workload. Just kind of." Casey sitting on me is getting a bit uncomfortable. "Now get off me! We both need to head out. You're taking me on that Monday date, remember?"

Casey immediately gets off me and her face lights up. I think she had forgotten. "That's right! Our Monday date. I'll pick you up at seven?"

I shake my head. "You aren't driving with that shoulder. I'll pick _you _up at seven."

"Alex, I drove here today. I'm not an invalid."

"Well, you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have taken a cab or had me give you a ride."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Yes, _mother_. Pardon me for being stubborn like you."

"Yeah, I guess my stubbornness has rubbed off. I'm a bad influence on you."

Casey has started packing her stuff up but she pauses just long enough to look at me and say, "You influence _me_? Please."

"I'm older than you, Casey; that makes you the influence-ee and me the influencer."

"Older by _two years_. That's nothing. We're basically the same age." She zips up her laptop case and then turns to me with a grin. "But I will admit you're more mature than me."

I return the grin. "I concur. But I like you anyway, even though you're immature."

Casey laughs, and then tells me she'll allow me to pick her up. We say goodbye, but neither of us seems to want to leave the other. I keep waiting for Casey to walk out the door first, but she must be waiting for me to do it, because she never does.

So I finally make myself move. If I don't, we'll have to have our date right here in the office. I switch the light out and walk Casey to the parking garage.

As she's heading to her car, I call after her, "Since you didn't get fired, you're paying for dinner!"

She turns around and gives me a look. "I'm meeting your parents this weekend. You're paying. You owe me."

I can only laugh as I watch her get into her car. Paying for dinner is the least I could for someone so wonderful.

* * *

><p>My week has been wonderful so far. Casey and I have made the most of our last few days sharing an office, even ordering a pizza for lunch yesterday since it was Friday and our last day together. Casey paid for it. She owed me after I not only paid for our Monday date, but always our Wednesday and Thursday dates as well. Although that was by choice and at my insistence. I don't like letting Casey pay.<p>

And now my week has concluded with a nearly three-hour car ride to my parent's house in the Hamptons. That's right – three hours in the car with Casey. And we're not broken up. If our relationship can survive three hours in a car with the passenger chatting endlessly for the entire three hours and me working on a headache, then we can survive anything.

Though as we got closer to our destination, Casey's chatter did cease a bit. I know it's because she's nervous about meeting my parents. I can understand; but it's going to go so much better than she thinks. They're going to love her. She'll feel comfortable in no time.

As I start up my parent's long, private driveway, Casey catches a glimpse of the house and gasps. "My God…only _two _people live here? Are you kidding?"

I admit my parent's house is excessively big, but they've both always enjoyed their space. My father has a vast office and my mother has plenty of room for her extensive glass figurine collection and a beautiful garden she loves to tend to out in back.

"Yes, only my parents live here. But they're never alone – the pool service people come twice a week in the summer, and the maid works almost daily." I say this just to get a response from Casey.

Casey groans and lets her head fall against the window with a thump. "Turn around and take me home. A _maid_, Alex? I'm going to be so out of place here it's going to be embarrassing!"

I can tell she's legitimately upset and nervous and I wish I hadn't thrown in that part about the maid, so I lighten the mood a little by saying, "I'm not driving all the way back to the city today. I'll just drown you in the pool, how's that?"

Casey nods, still staring at the house as we come to a stop next to my father's Volvo. "That's works. I'll do it myself, actually."

I laugh at my girlfriend's antics and waste no time opening my door and climbing out of the car. I immediately go around to the passenger side and open Casey's door. "Come on. The sooner we go inside the sooner the weekend will be over with."

Casey just glares at me. "Remind me again why I'm doing this?"

I unbuckle her seatbelt for her and lean over her with a quick kiss. "Because I'm adorable and you can't resist me."

As I stand back up, I notice a small smile has formed on Casey's face. My kiss got the desired results. "Now come on! Don't be a spoilsport!"

Casey scrunches her face up at me. "Spoilsport? I'm really going home if you're going to use words like that!"

"Okay, no goofy words. Just come on!"

Reluctantly Casey finally gets out of the car, shooting me one more glare that I guess I deserve, but even that doesn't spoil my optimism or my good mood.

I put my arm around Casey and exclaim, "It's going to be a great weekend!"

**So...do you like it? What do you think? The next chapter is going to be a good one - the weekend with the parents! How do you think it's going to go?**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks for reading and reviewing, and again I'm so glad so many of you are enjoying this! Here's a note about this chapter: I realize as of season 13 (when this story takes place), that both of Alex's parents have passed away on the show, but in my story they are alive. That's the magic of fanfiction :) And also, I made up my own story for Casey regarding what she did during her three year suspension from the DA's office. Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

As soon as Casey and I reach the door, my mother and father are waiting there to greet us. My mother opens the door, a huge smile on her face, and doesn't even hesitate to wrap me in a huge hug.

"Alex! So wonderful to see you!" As soon as she releases me, my father steps in for his turn. I can smell his usual cologne as he squeezes me tightly and repeats my mother's sentiment.

After our affectionate greeting, I gesture towards Casey, who is standing awkwardly next to me. "Mom, dad, this is Casey. Casey, this is my mother Victoria, and my father Alexander."

Casey smiles and shakes my parent's hands. "It's nice to meet you. Alex has told me a lot about you."

"We've heard a lot about you too, Casey. I'm glad you could join us." Dad holds the door open. "Now don't stand outside like strangers - come on in and make yourselves at home."

Once inside, I notice Casey looking around anxiously. It's clear she's uncomfortable in my parent's lavish home; I just hope she can keep it to herself.

Mom is chattering excitedly about how nice the weather is going to be this weekend and how it really was the perfect weekend to visit. I can't help but smile at that; my mom has never been outdoorsy and as such, has never cared much about the weather. Maybe she's as nervous as Casey is.

"Did you guys bring overnight bags? I'd be happy to bring them in," Dad says.

"Yeah - they're in my trunk." I toss my car keys at him. He catches them and disappears out the door.

My mom has her hand on Casey's shoulder and is walking her towards the couch. "My dear, how is your shoulder feeling? Alex told me about your injury. We have Aspirin and Ibuprofen in the medicine cabinets in all bathrooms, and if there is anything else you need, please don't hesitate to ask."

Casey gives mom a kind smile as she sits down on the couch. "I'm okay; I brought everything I need. But thank you, Mrs. Cabot."

"Please - call me Victoria."

Mom continues to fuss over Casey, and I take this as my cue to rescue her. So I plop down on the other side of her and slide my arm around her shoulder. Casey seems surprised that I am showing affection in front of my mom, but smiles at me anyway. "Mom, please. Casey doesn't need you hovering over her. She has me for that."

"I know you, Alex; you've never been one to hover," mom says in disbelief.

I'm about to answer when Casey does it for me. She places her hand on my knee and squeezes. "Alex takes good care of me." She smiles at me, and all I can do is smile back. She's so sweet and thoughtful; I'm so happy she came with me this weekend.

I hear dad coming back in through the door, and mom quickly stands. "I'll help your father get your things to your room. Why don't you show Casey around, Alex?"

As soon as I hear my parent's on the stairs, I turn to Casey and offer an apologetic smile. "Sorry about that - my mom has a habit of fussing over people."

"It's okay," Casey says with a laugh. "My mom is like that too."

I notice her taking in everything in the living room and her eyes come to rest on the huge seventy-two inch flat screen TV mounted on the wall and then at the stone fireplace. "Wow. That is one big TV. And a nice fireplace. I can't imagine living here. Did you grow up here?"

"Kind of. We spent a lot of weekends and holidays here, but we mainly lived at our place in the city. This was like a getaway house. I loved coming here, though; our place in the city didn't have a pool. It didn't matter in the fall and winter, but summers were pretty great. I loved swimming. Maybe if your shoulder feels up it, we can utilize that pool."

Casey smiles and moves closer to me. I can tell she's relaxing a little. "Hm. I didn't bring a bathing suit. But the thought of you in a bikini is a really great thought."

I kiss Casey's cheek. "We'll figure something out." I get up off the couch and offer Casey my hand. "Come on. I'll show you the rest of the house."

We go into the kitchen where I show Casey the vast counterpace and large-capacity refrigerator and high-end appliances. I feel a little guilty as I recount many afternoons sitting at the table coloring as a little girl, while my nanny prepared my lunch.

"I always had babysitters, but never a nanny," Casey comments as we exit the kitchen. I'm not sure how to respond to that, so I don't.

I show Casey my father's recreation room with his pool table, ping-pong table and electronic dart board. After that I show her the exercise room, and then we slip out the sliding doors in the back to the pool area.

I can't help but worry that I'm coming across as a spoiled snob by showing Casey around my parent's house. After all, I know she never had any of this. I hope she doesn't think I'm bragging or showing her up in any way.

The pool is exactly how I remember it. The water is perfectly clear and clean, and the marble-stone deck to the right of the pool is perfectly in order. All the chairs are arranged and properly spaced, and the umbrella over the table is open, providing a good amount of space.

"I can see how a kid would love this pool. An adult too." Casey peels her eyes away from it long enough to look at me. "This place is really great, Alex. Not what I'm used to…but it's great."

She's looking back at the pool with an expression I can't quite read. I wish I had telepathic powers right now and could read her thoughts. I desperately want to know what she's thinking.

"Casey," I say softly, stepping up beside her and snaking my arm around her waist. "You okay? What's on your mind?"

She snaps out of her daze and smiles quickly at me. "I'm fine. Just admiring the view. The water's so pretty." She kisses my neck, and I feel a chill go through me. "But not as pretty as you, of course."

I keep my hand on her back as I lead her back inside the house. And I can't help but feel there's something she isn't telling me.

* * *

><p>Mother has kept the room exactly as it has always been, and Casey is never going to let me live it down.<p>

I stand in the middle of the room in horror as my girlfriend laughs hysterically at my pink canopy bed and matching desk and dresser.

I silently curse my mother for trying to freeze and preserve my childhood into this room. Why couldn't she just let me change it to an _adult's _room? I know I don't live here, but I do visit from time to time after all.

I feel my cheeks burning red in sheer embarrassment as I turn and look at Casey. Her fit of laughter has subsided, but she's still grinning in amusement.

"A canopy bed? I should have guessed."

"I'm sorry." I have no idea why I just apologized; it just felt right. I felt the need to be

Casey sits down on the bed, and bounces slightly on the mattress. "No. It's cute. It really suits you. And I'm glad your parents are letting us stay in here together. My parents would never be that cool."

"What, were you expecting them to be old-fashioned?"

"Kind of, yeah! Your father did clerk at the Supreme Court after all, and was a powerful attorney in the city for years. I guess I expected him to be more…strict. I expected a scowl and an interrogation to make sure I'm good enough for his little girl." She looks away from me. "Which I'm glad he didn't give me, because I _know _I'm not good enough for you."

Ah; so _that's _what is bothering her. I immediately sit beside her and rests her head on my shoulder. "Casey…stop talking like that. I told you that you make my happy, and that's all my parent's expect from my significant other. And the fact that you're a girl makes no difference. They accepted the fact that I don't like men years ago. I wish you wouldn't be so down on yourself; you know that you make me happy. I love being with you. I can't imagine _not _being with you. So stop hating on yourself. You're way more special than you think."

"Special?" Casey echoes, still resting her head on my shoulder.

"Yes, _special._ In every way. And caring. And funny. And smart. Oh, and cute."

Casey chuckles lightly and I know immediately that I have made her feel better. She lifts her head up from my shoulder and looks at me. "Well, _one_ of us has to be cute."

I smack her playfully on her good shoulder. "You really are terrible. Now come on; we have to unpack. Mom and dad are chomping at the bit to have us back downstairs with them. Mom is even planning a huge dinner for us."

Casey follows my lead and gets up off the bed and we get to work unpacking our bags. Casey didn't bring much - a couple changes of clothes, shower items, an iPod and toothbrush - but I brought far more than what is needed for just a weekend. But that's me; always over-prepared.

I expect Casey to make some sarcastic remark about how much I packed, but instead she just stays focused on putting her clothes away in the bottom drawer of my dresser. She's still nervous.

"So…does your mom like to cook?" Casey asks suddenly.

I zip my suit case closed after I've emptied its contents and turn around to face Casey with an easy smile. I don't know how she's going to react to what I'm going to say. "Actually, she rarely cooks. Just on holidays and weekends. My parents have a cook that works five days a week. And normally mom would cook on Saturday, but today they're having dinner catered. On the count of you being here and it being special, you know?"

That seems to make Casey even more nervous. She turns away slightly and says, "Oh." That's all. One word. Not even a word, really.

But that one word speaks volumes. Casey is uncomfortable and unfamiliar with this lifestyle, and it was wrong for me to put her in the middle of it so soon. I should have asked my mom to hold off on the caterer and instead suggested we go out. That would have made things easier for Casey.

"Dinner will be okay, Case. You already get along with my parents. Conversation will be normal; dad will tell stories about working in DC and my mom will tell embarrassing stories about me when I was a little girl. And they'll ask you about your life…and that's all. I told mom you liked Italian food, so that's what's being served. Talk, listen, eat, and then we're free. I'll show you around the property and we can sit outside on the deck tonight and see if we can see any of those meteors that are supposed to be visible tonight."

"So after your dad regales me with stories of working in Washington, I then tell him about waiting tables and tending bar to pay for college, and then about how I got my law license suspended for three years for being stupid? I'm sure that will impress him."

Casey is sounding a bit bitter and cynical, and I don't like it. I frown at her and say, "For God's sake, Casey! Just stop. Stop thinking you're not good enough for me, will you? If you tell my dad that you worked your way through college, he will respect you. He won't look down on you for that. Why would he? That couldn't have been easy, but you did it. You handled college and two jobs at the same time. That is _nothing _to be embarrassed about. And the part about having your license suspended…it wasn't stupid, Casey. It was a mistake. I make them too. And you don't have to tell him that if you don't want to."

Casey sighs and sits back down on my bed. "I'm sorry, Alex. I know I'm being difficult. But this is all so…strange to me. I didn't grow up in a place like this. My parent's weren't successful like yours. I didn't have a pool in the backyard and a nanny and a cook to make my meals. I had babysitters who would make me macaroni and cheese and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I just feel like my life isn't on par with yours. And I know you say I make you happy and I do believe you; it's just hard for me to accept that you could be happy with someone like me when you've always had this. I can't give you fancy stuff and a cook, and there are lots of other people out there who can."

I never wanted Casey to feel this way, and I didn't realize having her here would make her feel that. But I should have known. I shouldn't have brought her here.

I sit next to her again and she looks so sad and unhappy with herself that it breaks my heart. I pick up her hand and search for just the right words to say that will make her realize once and for all that she's more than enough for me.

"Casey…I have told you this before, but obviously I have to tell you again. You are more than enough for me. You're the one I want, and you are the one who makes me happy. I don't care how you grew up or that you can't give me fancy things. Those things don't matter. Happiness matters, and that's what you give me. I was so broken after Olivia left, and you healed me. When I was with you, I felt the gaping hole in my chest heal more and more each time until it was gone completely. I let go and forget who I'm supposed to be when I am with you. And that's what matters, Casey; not what you can or can't give me."

I suppress to the urge to tell her I love her; I feel the words on the tip of my tongue, but I don't let them tumble out. It's far too early for that four-letter word. It might scare her away, especially right now. And what would I do if she didn't return the words? So even though I feel them inside, that's where I keep them. I know I shouldn't love Casey after the short time we've been going out, and given the choice I _wouldn't _love someone this soon, but it seems this choice has been taken away from me. Because I feel myself falling more and more in love with her everyday.

Casey hugs me tightly, thanking me for my kind words. I can see tears in her eyes as she pulls away from and gives me her classic smile. I've seemingly given her the strength she needs to endure dinner with my parents.

"Thank you, Alex; that was exactly what I needed to hear. And you're special too." She squeezes my hand. "So let's go down there and face your parents."

* * *

><p>My mom really overdid it. She ordered enough food for a small army. The caterers bring everything in course by course, on heated rolling carts and large serving bowls. The aroma of steaming marinara sauce and garlic bread is nearly overpowering.<p>

I try to take inventory in what all we're being served; so far I've spotted the garlic bread, some type of spaghetti, Italian salad, alfredo pasta and meatballs covered in an Italian sauce.

I steal at glance at Casey sitting beside me; she looks a bit overwhelmed but is holding up okay.

"I apologize for the excessive amount of food," dad says with a small laugh, seemingly reading my mind. He directs his words to Casey. "My wife tends to go a bit overboard when we have guests."

Casey smiles. "It's okay. I really do like Italian, and I have a big appetite."

Mom picks up on that immediately. "Good. Maybe that will rub off on Alex here. She seems to be under the impression that a granola bar and a handful of carrot sticks constitutes a meal."

I roll my eyes. I hate how my mother is always getting on me because of my eating habits. I know they're not great, but I'm still alive, aren't I? So I must be doing something right.

Casey glances at me before she speaks. "Well, I have a very bad caffeine habit and I'm constantly bringing Mountain Dew around your daughter, so maybe that will fatten her up a little. And rot her teeth too; good thing the DA's office offers such good insurance."

This gets a chuckle out of everyone, and I feel immense relief that Casey is loosening up a little and being herself. Maybe it really will be a pleasant meal after all.

By now the caterers have nearly everything set out on my parent's large table. I notice three bottles of my dad's favorite French wine front and center on the table. The caterers set glasses in front of each of us, and the youngest of the group asks us what we would all like.

"What do you like, Casey?" my dad asks warmly. "We have a nearly hundred year old bottle of Chateau Laftle, Romanee-Conti, and Petrus."

I know Casey has most likely never had a sip of any of those wines, and that belief is confirmed when Casey gives me a near-panicked look before turning her attention back to my dad. "I'm actually not big on wine…do you have any Coca-Cola?"

I burst out laughing, and immediately regret it when my girlfriend gives me a horrified look and my mom shoots me a death glare. But it quickly fades and is replaced with a smile as my mom says, "Of course, dear; I'll get it for you." Then she gets up and goes to fetch Casey's soda from the fridge.

So much for Casey warming up to her surroundings.

The caterers have left the kitchen, having poured my the rest of us our wine and gotten our food arranged nicely on the table.

Casey looks down at the sets of forks and spoons on the table, and quickly whispers to me, "What are all these for?"

Her cluelessness is adorable, but of course I don't tell her that. Laughing at her request for soda was bad enough. I'm surprised she's even speaking to me after that.

"Just follow my lead," I whisper back to her.

My mother returns a few moments later with a bottle of Coca-Cola, which she fills Casey's glass with graciously.

"Sorry to be a bother," Casey quickly tells her, blushing at the attention her request has brought her.

Mom shakes her head and takes her seat again. "Not at all, dear; we want you to be comfortable."

I am worried that things are going to go downhill after the rocky start to our dinner, but they improve grately. Casey slowly eases into comfortableness, and soon she's laughing at my mom's embarrassing stories about me and conversing with my dad about DC. Turns out she's visited there quite often, so it's common ground for them. They have a rather lengthy discussion about the various museums and sights around the Capitol.

I can't help but smile at how well the evening is going. The food is great, but more importantly, so is the company. I have missed my parents, and being with them right now reliving the old days and learning more about Casey's life feels like home. I couldn't have asked for a better evening.

Casey excuses herself to visit the bathroom shortly before I meal ends, as soon as she's gone my mom leans towards me with a smile and says, "She's wonderful, Alex. An absolute doll. Hold onto her."

My dad nods his agreement. "She has my approval too, honey. I can tell she makes you happy. The way you look at each other is pure mutual adoration. It does my heart good."

I don't give a response but as I watch Casey walk back to the table only moments later and sit back down, I realize they're right. Casey is perfect. I feel complete around her. She's part of the family already.

What more do I need?

* * *

><p>Casey fell asleep hours ago, but I've been tossing and turning all night long. The events of the day have been replaying themselves in my mind. And my feelings for Casey have been stirring around in my head as well.<p>

As comfortable as I am with Casey - and as much as I know I do love her - I am still having trouble initiating anything physical with her beyond slight touching and kissing. I don't know whether she expected anything tonight or not, but I feel I should have done more than just lie beside her and let her rest her head on my chest.

The last person I was intimate in bed with was Olivia. I don't give myself away like that very easily or quickly. It happens when the time is right. And I guess it hasn't been right with Casey yet.

Maybe Casey senses my hesitancy and understands. She doesn't force me; she never would. Or maybe she's just as cautious as I am. Or maybe she thinks _I _expect something from her and thinks she is letting _me _down. Maybe we should talk about this, get it out in the open.

I'm just about to close my eyes again and try to succumb to sleep, when I hear Casey's voice say softly, "Alex? Are you awake?"

I roll myself over so I'm facing her, even though it's dark and we can't see each other. Then I answer, "Yeah. I've kind of been awake all night. I don't sleep well when I'm not in my own bed."

"It _is_ your own bed, silly."

"You know what I mean." I pull myself into an upright position and I hear Casey shift as well. She suddenly switches on the bedside lamp, and I squint at the sudden brightness.

She rests her elbow on the pillow and her face in her hand. "Despite my earlier reservations, I have to admit tonight was fun, Alex. Your parents are really nice."

"They like you too. When you went to the bathroom, my mom called you a doll."

Casey smiles at that and then her expression quickly changes to seriousness. "Alex…there is something I want to ask you, and I've been waiting for the right time."

I feel my breath hitch in my throat - is she going to the be the one to drop the L-bomb first?

I force myself to form words. "Go ahead. You can ask me anything."

She stares at me for a good minute, and then asks, "What what is like when you got shot? And what was it like having to leave your home and your family and your job, and all your friends? How did you cope with it?"

I suck in a deep breath. I never like talking about that part of my life. It's always been a moot subject to me. I never even liked to discuss it with Olivia. But Casey is a part of my life now, and she deserves to know.

"It was…" I start, trying to select the right words to adequately describe it. "It was terrible. The worst time of my life. Waking up in the hospital and having no one there except Agent Hammond…and then him telling me I was officially dead. That I couldn't go back to my home for any of my things or say goodbye to my family or friends. He showed me the day's paper; I started crying when I saw myself on the front page. It was an article about how I'd been 'killed'. And my heart ached for Olivia; she thought I was dead. I was only able to convince Hammond to let me see Elliot and Olivia one last time by using my lawyer-charm; in other words, _demanding _he let me see them. He relented when he realized I wasn't going to let it drop."

Casey laughs at that. "He didn't have a choice with you!"

"No, he didn't. But after I saw Olivia and Elliot, I wished I hadn't. It made it harder. Olivia was crying and clinging to my hands; she didn't want to let me go, and I didn't want to let her go either. My heart was breaking, and I cried all the way to the airport. I couldn't believe that one little bullet could shatter my life." I stop talking to keep my emotions at bay and clear my throat. "I hated my life in Wisconsin. I worked at an insurance agency; filing papers and working on claims cases, can you believe that? I felt it was menial, and I hated every minute of it. I missed the excitement of the city. I'd go for a walk in my quiet neighborhood in Wisconsin and actually _want _to hear sirens and people yelling. I missed the noise. The only thing in the background for me there were crickets chirping. I felt so alone, and not myself. I wasn't _me _anymore; I was Emily, a creation of the Witness Protection program. It took me months to get used to responding to the name. It went on like this for me - hating my life and missing everyone back home. I dated here and there; mostly men. I don't know why; I guess I felt that Emily should have different preferences than me. But I never loved any of them. I dated out of loneliness. But I hated myself during this time, Casey; because I felt _sorry _for myself for the first time in my life. So how did I cope with it? I didn't, really. I just shut myself off from the person I used to be and became someone else entirely."

I remember what Casey said to me on the beach that day - how you have to hold on until you find the strength you need. Well, I guess I never did.

Casey closes her eyes and sighs. "I'm really sorry that happened to you, Alex. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. And then coming back here and resuming your old life…it took courage, Alex. Really. You should be proud of yourself."

"I am," I tell her, with no shame. "I'm still alive; it didn't get the best of me, even though it seemed like it at times. So I guess that's something to be proud of. Why are you asking about this right now?"

"Because I've been thinking about when I lost my license, and how those three years were absolutely dreadful. I wanted to see if you coped better than me."

"How did you cope? What did you do for three years?" I realize I've never asked her this. As long as I've known Casey, I never asked her what she did those three years she was away. How terribly rude and thoughtless of me.

"For a long time, I couldn't do anything. The shock of what had happened was too raw. I never forgave myself - I still haven't - for failing so badly. I did the stupidest thing I ever could have, Alex, and it cost me dearly. Right after it happened, I was so upset with myself that I took my framed degree and every honor I had received as an ADA and in college and threw them in a garbage bag. I didn't want to look at them anymore, because it was reminder of how I'd wasted my life and how miserable I'd failed myself and everyone who believed in me. I stayed around; I didn't leave the area, as many people thought I did. But I didn't see any of my friends anymore. I lost contact with Olivia and Elliot. I basically just existed. And then my money ran out and I had to get a job. Putting in applications made me feel about two feet tall. After all, I had a law degree and I worked my ass off to pay for college, and now I had to go put _applications _in? How fair was that? But every time I started pitying myself, I reminded myself that it was my fault and no one else's. I finally got a job waiting tables at an Italian place in lower Manhattan. I waited for the day someone from SVU or an attorney I had worked with would come in and I'd have to serve them, but it never happened. Could you imagine what they would have said? The job was okay; not what I wanted of course, but it paid the bills and I liked the people I worked with. But I still didn't feel good about myself. I felt like there was something I should be doing to redeem myself. So I started tutoring junior high and high school kids in the evenings and on the weekends. I did it for free. It made me feel like I was worth something again, like I was helping people. And you know the rest…when my suspension was up, I came back to SVU begging for my job back, and here we are."

When Casey is finished talking, I can barely form any words. I'm so impressed with what she's just told me that I'm sure whatever I can come up with to say will far pale in comparison to the power of her words. She got a job waiting tables…and tutored teenagers for free. I know without a doubt this is something I _never _could have done. I didn't think it was possible to love Casey even more…but I do.

"Alex? Are you going to say something?" Casey asks, and I realize I've just been sitting there staring at her.

I shake my head to clear my jumbled mass of thoughts, and then I say softly, "Only that you're the most incredible person in the entire world."

**What do you think? Did you like this one? And when do you think Alex will finally use the "love" word on Casey, and do you think she'll feel the same? More of the weekend coming in the next chapter...and more :) Please review and tell me what you think!**


	13. Chapter 13

**I hope you all enjoy this one! I was unsure about where I took this...but I think it works :) Read on and see what you think!**

Day two of our weekend starts out a little rocky.

Casey gets up before myself or my parents are even awake and makes everyone breakfast. She goes all out - bacon, eggs _and _omelets - because she isn't sure what everyone likes. By the time me and my parents are up, Casey has every set out and her breakfast mess cleaned up.

Mom and dad think Casey making breakfast for us all is the sweetest thing in the world - but I'm not happy about it. I barely say anything at all as my mom gushes on about how Casey got the eggs "just perfect" and my dad has a second helping of bacon. I'm surprised he hasn't proposed to Casey by now; my father loves his meat (including bacon) and any woman who does right by him in the meat department he thinks is a keeper.

Casey picks up on my annoyance that she cooked for us, and while she and I are clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, she confronts me about it.

"Okay, what did I do?" She rinses the last plate, hands it to me, and looks at me expectantly for an answer.

I finish loading the dishwasher and slam its door closed. The sound makes Casey jump. When I finally look at her, I'm not smiling.

"I wish you hadn't made breakfast, Casey."

She frowns at me. "Why? I thought it would be nice…your parents have been so hospitable, I just wanted to do my part too."

"You're the guest here Casey, it's not your role to make everyone breakfast! My mom was planning on doing so. She told me last night."

"Well, she seemed to enjoy herself. It's not a big deal, Alex. Really."

"It is to my mother! You don't know her like I do, Case. Right now she's telling my dad that she felt slighted by not being able to make her daughter and her daughter's girlfriend breakfast." I turn away from Casey long enough to put the soap in the dishwasher and start it. "And don't you think you went a bit overboard? There's four of us; we didn't need all that food."

I realize I'm being harsh and unreasonable, but I can't seem to stop myself. It was almost as if Casey were trying too hard to impress my mom and dad.

Casey looks a bit hurt by my words and feels the need to explain herself. "I told you, I wasn't sure what everyone liked. And your mom and dad seemed to like everything. You're the only one who seems to have a problem with what I did."

I wish I could make Casey understand that even though my parents are nice and accepting, they still like everything just so. They can read people just as well as I can, and I'm sure they saw right through Casey's "impress the parents" display this morning.

"Why is this such a big deal to you, Alex? I thought I was doing something nice for everyone…" She looks confused, and I can tell she honestly has no idea why I'm so upset.

"It was pretty obvious that you were trying to impress everyone, and as much as my parents like you, they will hate that." There. It's out there now. Floating in the air, traveling to Casey's ears.

Her ears have received my words and her brain is processing them now. And she does not look happy. "Is that what you think I was doing, Alex?" Her voice is sad, and I realize I've hurt her feelings.

Great. Nice job, Alex. Your second day here and you've already made Casey feel like a loser. Just when she was starting to warm up and get used to everything around here.

My mom chooses this moment to poke her head into the kitchen. "What's keeping you, girls? I got the photo albums out. I figure Casey might want to see what you were like as kid."

Great. As if this day didn't start out bad enough, now I have to sit through the humiliation of Casey seeing photos of me as a child. All while she's mad at me for jumping down her throat for something nice she did for us all.

"We'll be along in a moment, mom," I tell her, and she winks at Casey before withdrawing back through the door.

"Yes, your mother does seem absolutely devastated that I made breakfast. Poor woman is beside herself with grief about it," she says sarcastically, rolling her eyes. I'm about to respond when Casey goes on, "And I would very much like to see what you were like as a child." Casey starts for the living room and stops and looks at me again as I follow her. "Because right now, you're being a straight up bitch."

Casey's words stay with me and sting during that long trek to where my mom is waiting in the living room.

Maybe this trip was a bad idea.

* * *

><p>Mom's show and tell of everything that summed up my childhood dragged on for nearly two hours. She must have showed Casey every photo she had of me, with a story to go along with every one of them, most of them embarrassing. She showed her awards and certificates that I received at school.<p>

And Casey sat there like a good girlfriend and listened to all my mother's ramblings, never once showing any signs of boredom or disinterest. She'd even laugh at my mom's stories.

Every minute that went by found me feeling even more guilty about my harsh words to Casey in the kitchen. She really is sweet and caring, and all her intentions are pure; how could I accuse her of cooking breakfast only with the intention of impressing my parents?

I was wrong…and I don't admit that easily.

After my mom decides that Casey has had enough of my childhood, Casey and I go up to my room to change. I plan on taking her for a walk and showing her around some of my old haunts.

That is, if she isn't too angry with me. I won't be able to take it if I ruined my relationship with Casey. She means so much to me.

As soon as we enter my bedroom, I start graveling to Casey. "Case…I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. I had no right to say what I did about you making breakfast. It was so sweet…and I spoiled it."

Casey turns around and looks at me, and to my relief I see a smile on her face. "It's okay, Alex. Don't worry about it."

God, she's amazing! So forgiving…I don't know if that's a virtue or a liability.

"No, I _am _worried about it." I take a step closer to her and take her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze. "You're so good to me. You endured an uncomfortable dinner with my parents, you sat there for two excruciating hours listening to my mother rail on about my childhood, and you never once complained or even acted bored. You took it; _all _of it. I know you're not exactly comfortable here, but you're doing it for me, and what I did to you was purely selfish. You're a great person, and I'm glad you're my girlfriend."

I almost say it again - that L-word - but I refrain myself. It's still too early. Using it prematurely will surely scare Casey away.

Casey is smiling so big I'm surprised her face can contain it. She squeezes my hand back and stares into my eyes. "Wow. I just got another Alex Cabot apology. No one is going to believe me; everyone thinks they're a myth. The Alex Cabot apology is even more elusive than Bigfoot."

I smile at Casey's ability to always be able to instantly cheer me up. Olivia always could too…but there's something about Casey that makes her better at it.

Casey gives me another grin and then lets go of my hand, going to the dresser to pick out her clothes for the day. I sit on the bed and decide to change the subject; there's no sense on dwelling on what happened. I apologized and Casey forgave me; so we can move on now.

"Those pictures were humiliating," I tell Casey, my face still feeling like it's crimson red. "I can't believe my mom showed them to you!"

"They were adorable!" Casey says, sitting on the bed next to me. She puts her arm around me and kisses my cheek. "My favorite was the Halloween picture where you were dressed as a fairy. Too cute!" She grins at me. "And the one of your first pair of glasses. When your mom told me the other kids called you Hootie because the glasses were big and made you look like an owl, I almost lost it."

I roll my eyes at her. "Yeah, well I hope when I meet your parents that I get to see embarrassing pictures of you so I can make fun of you too."

"Oh no you won't. I'll burn all our photo albums before you set foot in my parent's house."

"That's not fair!"

"You _don't _want to see me as a kid, Alex! I was ugly and awkward."

I find myself giggling. "Then you haven't changed."

She slaps me in the shoulder. "Not funny! But seriously, Alex; my pictures aren't cutesy like yours. I had horrible hairstyles as a kid, and braces. And I was too skinny. Any admiration you have for me at all will be gone when you see what I used to look like." She shudders. "Ugh. Even thinking about it is bad!"

I'm sure she's just being hard on herself; they can't be _that _bad. Besides, no one likes to look at pictures from their youth.

"I'll call your mom before we visit and have her put all photos in a fire-proof safe so I can see them. You can't escape, Casey. You saw mine, and I get to see yours. That's how it works."

"Really?" Casey asks with a smirk. "A fire-proof safe won't stop me; you forget I'm a baseball player. I'll beat that thing open with my aluminum bat and _then _burn the photos."

That reminds me of the baseball shirt hanging in her closet. The one she promised to wear for me…but hasn't yet.

"Speaking of baseball…you haven't let me see you in your baseball jersey yet. I believe you promised me?" I fake a pout and reach out to touch her injured shoulder. "And when this heals, you also promised I could see you play."

Casey nods. "I haven't forgotten. I keep my promises." She picks up a strand of my hair and twists it around her finger. "But I didn't bring it with me, so I'll have to let you see something else while we're here."

She climbs off the bed and goes back to the dresser and I'm left sitting on the bed wondering what she could be talking about. I saw what she had packed - nothing sexy or revealing. Just what does she have on her mind?

"What are you thinking, Casey? What's going on in that head of yours?" I can't hide my smile, even though Casey has her back to me and can't see it.

She turns around and gives me an evil grin. "You'll see." Then she tosses a pair of my jeans at me. "Now get dressed - I want you to take me on that walk."

* * *

><p>I don't have any trouble falling asleep that night. I'm exhausted from the day's events. Casey and I went for our walk, then dad took us out on the boat and we all went out to eat for dinner at my parent's favorite Italian restaurant. Casey hadn't brought any practical dress clothes, so my mother loaned her a dress from her closet and, surprisingly, it fit her well.<p>

And may I say she looked gorgeous in that dress. I feel a bit odd admitting that since it was my mother's dress. But I couldn't stop admiring her. The dress was short and red, with a slit in just the right spot. I should have told her she looked gorgeous. I'm sure my staring and blushing cheeks gave me away, but I should have actually said it.

I don't know why I'm shy when it comes to these things. I never was with Olivia. But with Casey I'm more hesitant. I feel wrong even touching her sometimes, like I don't deserve her. Like she's some prize I haven't yet won. Something at the back of my mind always reminds me that it's Casey and not Olivia, and somehow that makes it different.

I think it matters more.

I don't know how long I've been sleeping when I feel hands shaking me awake, and a soft voice. "Alex. Alex, wake up."

My first response is a groan. I had been in such a wonderful, peaceful sleep; who is disturbing me, and why?

It takes me a moment to get my bearings and remember where I am and who is laying beside me, and most likely the person who woke me. "Casey? What's going on?"

"Sorry to have to wake you, but I want to show you something."

I feel around in the darkness for the bedside lamp and switch it on, squinting from the sudden light. Casey is lying on her side looking at me, wearing a bathrobe that I'm certain she wasn't wearing when she went to bed. It looks like my mother's. And she has her shoulder sling off.

I sit up straight in bed and give her a confused look. "What's going on?"

Instead of answering, Casey smiles and sits up. She takes my hand and says, "I want you to come with me. Don't say anything; just come with me."

I steal a glance at the alarm clock sitting beside me. It's after 2 AM. What in the world could Casey want to show me that couldn't wait for a more reasonable hour?

But I do as she asks; I get out of a bed without any protests or questions. She seems excited about whatever it is she's going to show me, so I may as well humor her.

She doesn't let go as she leads me out of the bedroom and down the stairs. I'm careful to maneuver them; it's nearly pitch dark in the house and I don't want our noise on the stairs to wake my parents.

It's not until we reach the living room that I finally break the chasm of silence. In a whisper, of course. "Casey, what are we doing? I can't see a thing. And why do you have your sling off? Your shoulder is going to be killing you…"

"Shh!" Casey scolds me - also in a whisper - squeezing my hand to make her point. "I told you not to say anything. Just trust me."

I do trust her, so I continue to follow her through the kitchen and out the sliding glass doors to the pool without another word.

At least I can see out here. My parents always leave on one of the floodlights in the pool area. It gives off more than enough light for Casey to actually see my confused questionable expression.

"Okay, I followed you out here, so what gives?"

Casey is grinning again, and she reaches out to touch my cheek. "I've been getting you try new things, and you've been enjoying it. Am I safe in that assumption?" I can only nod, taking a lot of pleasure from her touch. "Well I have another new thing for you."

She takes a step back and with her one good arm she undoes the bathrobe. It falls to the marble floor and I'm so shocked at what I see that I nearly step back myself.

She's naked. As in, not wearing _anything_. No bra, no panties…nothing. And even though I like what I see, I feel dirty looking at her. I quickly revert my eyes to hers, hoping the light isn't enough for her to see me blushing again.

She doesn't seem shy or ashamed to have me look at her at all. "Why, counselor, are we a bit shy?"

For the first time in my life, I actually stumble on my words. I'm so shocked by this whole thing that I can't think of a single thing to say. Here is Casey standing in my parent's backyard at two AM under the pool floodlights - completely naked.

Is she crazy? If one of the neighbor's saw her right now and called the police, McCoy would fire her before the clock even struck three AM.

"No, not shy…I'm just surprised…" I'm finally able to say. I let my eyes wander her body again and I feel guilty as I once again enjoy what I see.

Casey steps closer to me, closing the gap between us, and wraps her good arm around me, resting her forehead against mine. Her bare breast presses right up against my chest and I feel my face flush again.

"Alex," Casey says in a sing-song voice. "It's okay. You can function. Give me some sort of response."

I'm finally able to form coherent words. "What the heck are you doing? Put that robe back on! If anyone sees you…"

"Everyone is sleeping; no one will see me. I promised I'd show you something since I left my baseball jersey at home. So do you like it?"

I have no idea where she's going with this or what she wants me to do. All I know is that if either of my parents find us right now, they will be horrified and most likely will ask Casey to leave. I have to get her clothed and back in the house before that happens.

"Yes, I do like it, but not out here." I bend down and pick up the robe, offering it to Casey. "Here. Put this on and let's go back to bed."

I hope my suggestion to go back to bed doesn't elude to anything sexual, but I don't care right now. All I want is Casey back in the house - fully clothed - and back in the house _right now_.

But instead of taking the robe, Casey steps away from me until she's reached the edge of the pool. Then she turns around and jumps in.

I'm so shocked by her action - and the noise it made - that I shout out much too loudly. "Casey! Have you completely lost it?"

I look around in horror, waiting for the rest of the lights to come on and the inevitable sound of discovery by my parents. Wait for it…wait for it…

But it never happens. No other lights come on, and the only sound I hear is Casey giggling in the pool.

"Live a little, Alex! Everyone has to go skinny dipping at least once in their lives!"

I'm so desperate to get Casey out of the pool that I'm fully prepared to go in there and drag her out. I walk to the edge of the pool and try to reason with her. "Casey…this is crazy. Skinny dipping my parent's backyard pool is the most insane thing you've ever done! Get out now! And you're going to drown with that broken shoulder….you can't tread water properly."

"Then come in and make sure I don't drown."

Oh my God, she's impossible! Beyond stubborn. Worse than me even. I turn around and look at the house again. Still no discovery. When I turn my attention back to Casey, I try and make my eyes reflect the urgency of the situation.

"I'm not swimming in the middle of the night. Get out of there now. If you don't get out in the next thirty seconds, I am going back to bed without you." I use my best strict, no-nonsense voice.

Casey's smile never fades. "I know you think I'm crazy right now…but this is living, Alex. This is spontaneous. I'll bet you never did anything like this before, did you? What is the craziest thing you ever did with Olivia?"

Crazy things and Olivia never went together. Olivia and I never did crazy things. Our relationship was pretty normal. The craziest thing we ever did was have sex in the crib with the guys in the squad room. I remember giggling the whole time. Part of the excitement was the possibility that we could get caught at any time.

Just like right now. The same nauseous feeling in my stomach that's both awful and exciting. The knowledge that Alex Cabot is doing something naughty.

Alex Cabot, who never swears or uses vulgar words. Alex Cabot, who - under normal circumstances - would never even be considering what I am right now. No way; Alex Cabot is too professional and too prissy for antics like this.

But I wanted a new life, right? Starting over with Casey was starting over completely. Maybe it _is _time I live a little.

So with a grin, I strip right there by the edge of the pool. In full view of anyone who may be watching me right now. Strip completely - dropping my clothes into a messy pile nearby.

Unlike Casey, I opt for a quieter and more classy entrance to the pool. I gracefully climb down the ladder and into the water.

I nearly gasp at how cool the water is - I was expecting it to be warmer. Casey comes up behind me and guides me into the water, her warm wet body pressing up against me, making me gasp again.

"It's not so bad, is it?" Casey whispers, right into my ear. We're in the shallow end so we can both easily reach the bottom of the pool without having to struggle.

I turn around to face Casey so she can see me. I find I'm no longer shy. She's not getting a clear view because of the water, but she seems to be enjoying it anyway. She runs her hand up my arm slowly, causing goosebumps to spring to life. "You're beautiful," she rasps in my ear again.

I smile. "So are you."

Casey's eyes wander to my shoulder and she fingers my scar there, a concerned look on her face. "Is this where you were shot?"

I nod. "It still aches sometimes in the winter. The coldness irritates it."

Casey sucks in a deep breath and runs her thumb over the raised scar tissue. She smiles and says, "It's beautiful, too."

"How do you figure?"

"You survived it. It made you stronger. It's a badge of honor, Alex. That bullet didn't take you out. You should be proud of that scar. I am. I'm so proud that my girlfriend was strong enough to survive that when others wouldn't."

Casey and I don't have wild sex right there in the pool; instead we explore each other's bodies and giggle in extreme nervousness every time we hear a noise.

When we both finally start to shiver, we get out of the pool, hand-in-hand. There's a pile of towels sitting on one of the tables nearby, so I grab one for each Casey and I. I take the liberty of wrapping Casey's around her.

She's still shivering but smiles at me as she tosses her wet long hair over the towel. "Did you have fun?"

I honestly did. This was an amazing night. I never would have thought that I would swim naked anywhere; especially in the backyard of my parent's house.

I bend over and pick up my clothes before we sneak back through the door sliding doors. Casey is holding her shoulder a little; I know it's sore from being out of its sling. I can't wait to get her back to bed so I can baby her.

It's becoming impossible to hold back on that L-word. Because every second I spend with her, I love her even more.

**So...what do you think? Alex is stepping out of her comfort zone! ****But is it going to be for the best, or the worst? The next chapter there will be some firsts :) Please review and tell me what you think of this one!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks to everyone for sticking with this story! As promised, this one has some "firsts" - and I skip ahead in time a little bit at the end. **

Monday morning finds me almost unable to concentrate on my work. This is rare for me - I'm not immune to distractions at work, but rarely am in the position where I can't concentrate. This has only happened once before; and it was because of Casey that time too.

As much as I loved Olivia, I never let thoughts of her distract me at work. I was always able to leave them behind and focus on the task at hand. But with Casey it's impossible. She's here and I'm here and we shared a wonderful weekend together and now I want to go back to that weekend and repeat it over and over.

I never in my life thought that I would skinny dip. Especially in my parent's backyard pool. It was just something that never even occurred to me. But then again I never kept the type of company that would suggest such a thing. But now? I'm glad I do.

Our last day at my parent's house was absolutely perfect. I was nervous all morning that the neighbors would come knocking on the door and telling my parents that two women were swimming naked in their pool the night before. Casey found my nervousness to be hilarious and had to keep reassuring me that no one saw us…but if someone did, she was sure they would have liked what they saw.

All day long Casey and I kept exchanging glances and laughing. My dad commented that it was like we shared a secret that we didn't want anyone else to know. Little did he know that he was right!

But all good things have to come to an end, and here it is after one PM on Monday morning, the start of another busy week. I have just returned from an arraignment and I'm supposed to be looking over a witness' testimony for later this afternoon…but I'm thinking about Casey instead.

I miss her. She moved out of the office this morning. We both got to work early so I could help her move into her new office. She's just down the hall - literally only about twenty steps away - but I still miss her because she isn't _here_. Her office is nice; almost as big as mine, and she has a larger window. I gave her a hard time about that one. I told her she is beneath me and that _I _should have the office with the larger window. She had responded by throwing an ink pen at me and telling me to get out of _her _office and go back to my 'cubicle'.

My 'cubicle' is too quiet. I used to like the quiet. But Casey got me too used to listening to her talk while I worked. I got used to it, spoiled by it, and now it's gone.

That's it. I can't take it anymore. I slam the open file closed and get up out of my chair, tucking the folder under my arm and heading out into the hall.

I'm going to go work in Casey's office. Pathetic? Yes. But do I care? No.

I stop in my tracks when I see Casey standing outside her office with Jack McCoy. She has her back to me, but her body language and the disapproving look on McCoy's face tells me this isn't a good conversation. She's speaking loudly enough that I can hear her (but can't actually tell what she's saying) and she's gesturing with her one good arm in such a way that it just stops me. I stand cemented to where I am and just watch the scene play out in front of me.

God, what could have happened? McCoy lifted her probation, she moved into her own office today…and she's arguing with our boss already? Is she crazy?

I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions - maybe there's a reason for what's happening right in front of me. But I know Casey and I can't help but get a sick feeling in my stomach as I watch McCoy start to speak. He is raising his voice as well and I take this as my cue to step in.

I approach them quickly, forcing a smile and acting as if I hadn't just been standing down the hall staring at them. "Good afternoon! What's with the caucus out here in the hall? Don't you guys know that's what an office is for?" I hope my attempt to be cheerful and funny isn't too transparent.

It's clear from both McCoy and Casey's expression that my intrusion was unwelcome. McCoy looks at me, but Casey continues to glare at him as if I'm not even standing there. She's _really _mad, and that sick feeling gets worse.

I look between the two of them, and settle my gaze on McCoy. "Is something wrong?"

McCoy is the first to speak up. He looks overly serious, a look I've seen him have one too many times. It doesn't usually end very pleasantly. And he puts his eyes on Casey when he speaks, "Your girlfriend here just got her first warning."

He offers no further explanation and quickly strides away. The sick feeling resurfaces as I turn and look at Casey. "_What _happened, Casey?"

She looks like she's going to cry and I want nothing more than to hug her and tell her that whatever happened is not her fault, even if it is.

She shakes her head and retreats toward her door, in an effort to get away from me. "Leave it alone, Alex. It's nothing. I have to get back to work and I'm sure you do too."

If she thinks I'm just going to go back to work when she's in the condition, she's completely crazy. I care about her and I'm not going to leave her alone while she's so upset.

I catch her arm as she turns to go inside her office and lock my eyes on hers. "Casey…I can tell you're upset. Why were you arguing with McCoy? You just off probation…you know you have to be careful. What happened?" There isn't even a hint of anger in my voice - only concern.

Casey has tears in her eyes now, but she only shakes her head again. "Drop it, Alex. I mean it." Her voice is sharp and serious and she pulls her arm out of my grasp angrily and tells me she has to go back to work.

I decide to table the subject and bring it up at a later time. I'll play her game; go back to work and pretend nothing is wrong…for now. So I switch gears quickly, swapping my worried expression for a smile as I place myself between Casey and her door so she has to stop again. She looks irritated, but I don't care.

I nod toward the folder I'm holding my arm. "I was coming to see you. I missed your company and figured we could work together."

Casey only briefly looks at the folder before shaking her head yet again. "I want to be alone, Alex. Get out of my way."

I do as she says, and as she slams her door behind me I can't help but think this Monday is going to go down in history as one of the worst ever.

* * *

><p>I don't see Casey at work for the rest of the day. I have court again in the afternoon, and when I return Casey is meeting with a witness in her office and by the time I've finished my daily wrap-up and walk over to her office to check on her, she's gone for the day.<p>

I'm hurt she left without saying goodbye. She knew I was worried about her; she could have at least had the decency to pop into my office and see me before she left.

After I close my office up, I call Casey on my way down to the parking garage. I'm not surprised to get her voicemail. I leave her a message to let her know I'm coming over later so we can talk and I make it clear that it's not negotiable.

I worry about her all the way home. I wish she would let me in; whatever is going on, I hope she knows I'm there for her and I will support her no matter what. Even if she did do something regrettable…I don't care. Eleven months ago I would have shunned her.

But that was before I loved her.

It takes me less than an hour to shower, change my clothes, and return a few calls before heading out to see Casey. I'm in such a hurry to get out the door that I nearly forget my car keys. I won't get far without them.

I use my ADA badge to get up to her apartment again. I wonder if her doorman is starting to suspect something. He gave me a smile and knowing nod this time when I showed it to him.

I hesitate outside Casey's door before I knock. What if she doesn't want to see me? What if she's mad that I came? Am I really going to be able to turn around and walk away from her without knowing what's happened?

When I finally do have the courage to nod, I get an almost immediate response, as if Casey had been waiting for me to show up. Maybe she had.

She's wearing jeans and off-blue tight t-shirt with her long hair pulled back in a ponytail. She's leaning against the doorframe looking at me…but not smiling.

"Hey," I say, a little too cheerfully. "Do you mind if I come in? I wanted to make sure you're okay."

Casey steps aside and lets me enter. I get the feeling she doesn't really want me here, but that's not going to stop me.

I take a seat on Casey's couch and waste no time getting right to the point. I want her to know that if she wants to be in relationship with me, then that means she can't shut me out like this.

"Casey," I start cautiously as she sits down on the couch beside me. "I know something happened today. And for whatever reason, you don't want to tell me what it is. But if you want this relationship to work as much as I do, then you have to talk to me. We're sharing our lives together, Casey; that means _every _part of our lives. I've been worried about you all day. I care about you." I squeeze her knee gently. "So please talk to me?"

Casey sighs in resignation and I can tell I've broken through her walls. I'm surprised by how easy it was to penetrate them; my walls are practically steel and once they're up it takes a bomb and an army to break them down.

Instead of answering me, Casey asks me a question. "Alex, what are your aspirations beyond being an ADA?"

I'm so surprised by the question and the randomness of it that it takes me a moment to answer. Why is she asking me this _now_?

"I'd like to take the political route. State House, State Senate…maybe even someday be Governor. Could you imagine that? Governor Cabot!" I stop talking immediately when I notice Casey isn't smiling at all. "Anyway, that's what I want for the future. And if all that doesn't work out, well, I've always wanted to be a judge. Start out at the local level and maybe some day work my way up to the Supreme Court."

I realize I've said a mouthful. But speaking of my future has always come so easily to me. I've always have my mind set on what I want to do, and when I speak of it I can almost visualize how I get there. It's all so certain and clear to me.

Casey processes what I've just said and seems to be thinking about it. She nods thoughtfully and laughs a little. "I thought you may say something like that. You're so confident in yourself."

I have no idea where this conversation is going. "Why did you ask me that?"

"Because I have no future, Alex. I realized that today. There are no realistic goals for me to aspire to reach. ADA is as far as it goes for me. I'm lucky to be here at all. By all rights I should still be waiting tables and tutoring. There are no judgeships or political campaigns ahead for me."

I hate hearing her talking this way. It's _not _true! "Casey, please - "

Casey holds up her hand to silence me. "Let me finish, Alex. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't be with have such a bright future and all I'm going to do is hold you back. The people who matter are going to see you with me and wonder why in the world you settled for someone like me. I'll be poison for you. Can you really imagine yourself as a Supreme Court judge or Governor with _me _- the lowly ADA - as your other half?"

That statement sets me off. How can Casey say that about herself? And how can she think I would ever feel that way about her?

I get angrier than I should, and my voice gives way to my anger. "How dare you say that, Casey? You know I care about you! I would never listen to anyone who put you down or told me you weren't good enough! There is nothing 'lowly' about being an ADA. If it's what you want, then that's fine, but you could be so much more! You have so much potential, Case, but you're always too blinded by pity to see it."

That's the wrong thing to say and I know it as soon as the words are out of my mouth. The look on Casey's face is heartbreaking and I'm convinced she's going to burst into tears right then and there.

But Casey manages to keep her emotions in check and remains completely calm. She looks away from me as she says, "It's just better this way, Alex. You have a future and I don't, and I don't want to drag you down."

I feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. She can't be saying what I think she is. She can't be hurting me this way…no…

I have to take a deep breath to keep from breaking down. "How can you do this, Casey? How can you say this? What the hell happened to you today? _Why _are you doing this?" I allow a few tears to trickle down my cheek. "You're so selfish, Casey! You don't care about my feelings at all!"

"I'm doing this for _you,_ not for me."

I've heard a lot of bullshit in my life, but that takes the cake. If Casey honestly thinks that this is what's best for me, then she is the dimmest bulb in the whole bunch. And if this was a game she's been playing all along and I'm the loser…well, then I guess the game is over.

This hurts. _A lot_.

I stand up quickly. "You know what, Casey? I came here because I was worried about you. Because I _care _about you. And instead of talking to me about what happened today, you're going to break up with me?" My voice breaks at that last sentence.

Casey sighs again. "I'm not breaking up with you, Alex - "

"Then what _are _doing? Why are you acting this way? Because this feels like a break-up, Casey! This feels like…" I have to stop talking. The lump in my throat is nearly choking me, and I'm starting to shake.

Suddenly and without warning, Casey bursts into tears. Body wracking, loud, hard sobs. And in an instant I'm no longer angry at her. Seeing her so broken and upset hurts me deeply, and I find myself falling onto the couch beside her once more and pulling her into my arms. She resists my contact at first, but after a moment allows me to comfort her. She sobs onto my shoulder as I hold her and ran my fingers through her hair, whispering soothingly to her.

My heart hurts; actually, _everything _hurts. This day has been so traumatic. Worrying about Casey all day took its toll on me, and now to have her go from nearly ending things with me to sobbing on me on the couch all in a matter of minutes is too much. I start to cry. I'm not sure the exact reason why - guilt, relief, sadness, or empathy. I think it's really a combination of all of those things put together. Guilt because moments before I was so angry at Casey, relief that she hadn't gone so far as to break up with me, sadness because my sweet girlfriend is hurting so much, and empathy because even though I don't know what happened today, I still know how Casey feels.

After we've both sobbed ourselves out for a reasonable amount of time, Casey is the first to sit up and wipe her eyes with her sleeve. She gives me a bit of a smile and I wonder if the crying jag is exactly what she needed right now.

She takes my hand and squeezes gently. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I have no idea what came over me. Today was just so horrible and I took it out on you…God, I'm sorry!" She locks her eyes on mine. "You're the only good thing in my life and I made you feel like crap. I am so, _so_ sorry."

I feel my heart break again, but this time it's not because of me. It's because of how desolate and sad Casey is right now. I'd do anything to make her feel better. Anything.

I slide up right next to Casey and rest my head on her good shoulder. "It's okay, Casey. Really. I understand. I just wish you'd tell me what happened today."

A veil of silence falls over us for several minutes until Casey is brave enough to lift it. And when she does, I keep my head on her shoulder as she runs her hand up and down my back.

"I went in front of Petrovsky this afternoon in court. I thought it was starting to get better between us. I thought the awkwardness was fading and she was starting to respect me again. But it was bad. I undermined one of her rulings, and the whole day went downhill from there. She and I got into it her chambers…she called McCoy…I got my head ripped off before I even reached the safety of my office. And to top off this wonderful day, I hurt my beautiful girlfriend. All in all, a winning Monday!"

I know I should ask Casey what she means by 'got into it', but somehow this doesn't seem the right time. Even if the whole situation were Casey's fault, I'm not going to make her feel worse about it. So I kiss her cheek and say the first thing that comes to mind. "Petrovsky is a bitch."

Casey bursts out laughing and can't stop. It's one of those laughs that overcomes you, and I fear she's actually going to fall off the couch in her fit of laughter. Once she manages to stop, she's smiling from ear to ear and I realize that that one simple comment completely changed her attitude. It was that easy.

"I can't believe you said that, Alex! And though it may be true, I _do _have a big mouth that tends to get me into trouble…"

"Yes, you do," I concur. "And for such a smart girl you should know when to shut it. But I'm used to it. It adds to your charm."

"You have a way with words, don't you Cabot?" It's Casey's turn to rest against my shoulder. "That's why you're so good at what you do."

I'm so relieved that Casey is feeling better. That I was at least able to do that much for her. And even though she's gone from breaking my heart to cuddling with me so quickly, a nagging voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me that there's something else she isn't telling me. Something she's keeping inside.

So I take a deep breath and plunge in. "Casey…why did you ask me about what I wanted for the future?"

Again it's several minutes before Casey answers. She sits up and straightens herself up, nervously tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you, Alex. But I wanted to join the FBI. I had always given it thought, and when I lost my license it seemed the perfect time. So I applied to the FBI academy in DC. I was so excited at the prospect of doing something different and exciting."

Casey in the FBI? I can picture it. She would be perfect. She's clever, smart, and has superb problem-solving skills.

"But they rejected me. I got my tough shit letter in the mail only two weeks after I applied."

My heart immediately falls, and I instantly feel horrible for Casey. She looks so sad right now. So disappointed in herself. When she catches my eyes she looks completely ashamed.

"I guess I wasn't smart enough. Not an impressive enough educational background. Not FBI material." She looks away from me in shame. "But I'll bet they would have taken you in a heartbeat."

I hate when she does this – hates on herself. There's no reason for her to. Any inferiority she feels is completely misplaced. Casey is one of the smartest people I know. Sure she's made some mistakes, but the girl is _far _from stupid or incapable.

I thought we had passed her feeling this way only moments before?

"Casey," I call her name sternly so she knows I mean business. When I have her undivided attention, I reach out and take her hand. "You have some much worth, why can't you see that? Why are you always so down on yourself? I care about you so much, and I think you're attractive in every way…except that one." She frowns, not quite knowing what I mean, so I continue. "Being so critical of yourself is not an attractive attribute, Casey. Everyone is sometimes, I know. But you go a little too far. And I know why; I know you think you don't deserve to be here after what you did. I know you think you're horrible because of it. But get past it, Casey; everyone else has. You've proven yourself again and started over with a clean slate here. You learned from your mistake. Most people don't learn from them. So listen to me, and take what I say to heart – you are wonderful the way you are; there is nothing about you I would change. Stop hating yourself so much – or I'll have to take you out and rough you up a little."

Casey laughs, and in effect, I do too. My words seemed to have cheered her up. She smiles at me and locks her arms around my neck. "How could I get along without you?" she asks, her green eyes looking into mine from just inches away.

I grin. "You couldn't."

We share a long, deep kiss. We only break apart when the need for air becomes too much, and even then I don't want to let go of her. She's so warm and soft and I love being in her embrace and having her in mine. I could stay this way forever and be content.

Casey rests her forehead against mine and sighs. And then she says, "That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. You are the sweetest person, Alex; thank you."

It's there on my tip of my tongue – that L-word – but I still can't move it past my lips. The fear of rejection is still too much. If Casey felt the same, she would have used it by now. And she hasn't.

"And I'm shocked that you think _you _could rough _me _up."

I chuckle again. "You think you could take me?"

"I _know _I could! I play baseball, remember? I'd knock you on your ass in thirty seconds flat. Keep in mind that I ride a scooter. I'm a complete badass."

Badass? Hardly. But I humor her anyway. I ran my hand up her bare arm and smile when I feel goosebumps spring to life where I'm touching her. She enjoys receiving my touch as much as I like giving it.

"If you're such a badass, where are all your tattoos and piercings?"

"I have two holes in each ear. And a cartilage piercing in my left ear."

"Ohhh! How naughty. That's really impressive, Casey."

She laughs and smacks me in the arm. "Shut up! That cartilage piercing hurt! I don't see you with one."

I grin again. "I prefer to act my age." This results in another slap on the arm.

Casey finally pulls away from me but keeps contact with my hand, squeezing it. "You'd like me if I were all tattooed, huh? What kind of tattoo?"

"I don't know…'Property of Alex Cabot' has a nice ring to it…" I suggest in a joking manner. And I realize as I've said it that if I were talking to anyone else, they would take it as joke and forget about it. But Casey? Casey is likely to go out and actually get the tattoo.

I stand up and offer Casey my hand and pull her to her feet. "I'm taking you to dinner. We've both had a horrible day." I look her up and down. "Now go get changed into something more presentable!"

Casey winks at me and starts towards her room, but I call her back. When I have her attention, I tell her, "Casey - the FBI suffered a huge loss by not taking you."

A genuine smile spreads across her face. "Thank you, Alex. Really."

* * *

><p>Casey and I have been together three months. It's been wonderful. Of course we've had some tiffs here and there, but overall I am happy. Casey's shoulder has healed completely and she's still promising she will let me watch her play. I'm holding her to it.<p>

But as much as I love Casey, she's driving me nuts right now.

All I can hear is the sound of the pen against the paper, writing in fast strokes. Again and again. Unrelenting. Drilling into my brain. Driving me insane.

For anyone else this would be a minor annoyance. But for me it's a huge sleep-depriving white elephant in the room. I can't ignore it.

Finally, I can't take it anymore.

I jolt up in bed, causing Casey to look in my direction, startled by my sudden movement. She sets the notepad down on her lap and smiles at me innocently, completely unaware that seconds ago she was driving me towards madness.

But as soon as I see her smile, all my annoyance completely disappears. God, I love her so much. I'm so lucky. I smile back and tell her, "You're being noisy, babe."

Casey raises her eyebrows at me. "What was I doing? I've just been sitting here taking notes on this report for the last hour."

"My point exactly. Your pen scratching on the paper…it's kind of annoying. And disturbing my beauty sleep."

"Seriously, Alex? Me writing is keeping you awake?" she asks with a hint of amusement.

I can't stop smiling, partly because she looks so cute sitting in that chair wearing my sweatshirt, but mostly because I know what she's going to do.

"Yes. You're going to be responsible for my lack of sleep, and as a result, my poor performance at work tomorrow."

Casey takes her notepad and sets it on the floor beside the chair she's sitting in and then switches off the nearby lamp, bathing us in darkness. The only light is coming from the nightlight in my bathroom. Then she gets up and slowly makes her way towards my bed. "I guess if all that is going to be on me, then I might as well make the best of the situation."

As she climbs back into bed with me, I can't help but feel I'm undeserving of someone so wonderful. Not even three months ago my life was in shambles. I thought I would never get over Olivia, that the hurt would always be there and it would never let up. I felt like Olivia took a huge part of my heart with her, and I'd never get it back. I felt like I died when she walked out that door. I couldn't imagine going on without her and with a huge gaping hole in my heart.

But when one door closes another opens, and Casey walked in the open door. And after I finally allowed myself to feel once more, my life felt like it was worth living again. I had someone to spend my nights and weekends with, someone who understands me. Casey has given me the courage to try things I never even would have thought about trying. She's shown me that life is more than work and a strict schedule; it's meant to be fun and every once in awhile you have to let your hair down and do something crazy. Something like riding a scooter in the middle of the night and laughing so hard at something stupid that you're actually sore when the fit of laughter passes. Or playing strip ping-ping on the Wii. Everything that Casey has made me love and appreciate.

Almost as much as I love and appreciate her.

Casey presses herself against me, wrapping her arms around my middle and holding me in place. She kisses my neck and says softly, "You're such a damn diva. Not even letting me write. I don't know why I keep you around."

I position myself so I can reach out and hold her too, and we rest with our foreheads together. "I don't know why either. Maybe because I'm so cute?"

"_You _think you're cute. I never said you were."

"Maybe you'll think I'm cute when I get rid of my glasses and get contacts."

Casey gasps, like this is the worst thing she's ever heard in her life. She lets go of me and sits up, urgently switching on the bedside lamp next to her side of the bed.

I blink from the sudden assault of light and pull myself up into a sitting position as well. The serious look that Casey is giving me right now is actually making me nervous.

"That, Alex Cabot, had better be a joke," she warns me sternly, never taking her eyes off mine and even crossing her arms in front of her chest.

I lean against the headboard and pull my knees to my chest, stifling a yawn. I'm so tired, but apparently Casey has plans that don't involve sleep right now.

"You're always making fun of my glasses. And besides, it's time for a change," I tell her.

Casey's mouth drops open and she shakes her head. "No! I make fun of your glasses because I love them so much. They're adorable. They're _you_. You look so intellectual and sophisticated in them. It's part of the package – Alex Cabot and her badass glasses. Without them you'd just be Alex."

I never thought of them that way before. To me they've always been an annoyance – I'm constantly misplacing them when I have them off, I always have to clean the lenses, and the left side frame screws always need tightening. I've been considering contacts for awhile now, but obviously Casey isn't on board with it.

"So you wouldn't like me as much in contacts?" I summarize.

Casey shakes her head. "No. I'd dump you."

I burst out laughing, as I do so often with Casey. It feels so good to laugh – it's such a release. I've always had a sense of humor, but I've never really _laughed _before I was with Casey. With Olivia it was different somehow. With Casey it's…playful.

"Okay. No contacts then. I really don't want my girlfriend to dump me because of my choice of eyewear. I would be a little sad."

Casey pouts at me. "Just a little?"

"Deflate that ego, Novak! Yes, just a _little_."

Everything is so open and natural with Casey. I can let my guard down and be myself without fear of judgment. I don't have to think about what I say before I say it, and neither does she. Not that she ever thinks before she speaks anyway.

Casey looks at the alarm clock and then gazes at me admiringly. I don't know how else to describe it. She's staring at me like I'm coated in gold and I'm the most precious thing she's ever seen. Just like Olivia used to.

"I know we should go to sleep, but I want to play a round of our thank you game first. Just a quick one." Casey slides over to me and rests her head on my shoulder before I have a chance to respond. "And I want to go first."

"Fine," I concede quickly, absentmindedly playing with a strand of her long red hair.

"Thank you for," Casey pauses and holds my hand before continuing, "accepting me as I am."

I smile at that one and squeeze her hand. "Thank you for being my light in the dark."

"Thank you for sharing your life with me."

That was adorable! I hope mine is just as good. "Thank you always knowing the right thing to say at the right time."

"Thank you for being _you._"

Casey pulled that one right out of my head – I was going to say the same thing! Now she's made me have to think, and my hesitancy is going to cost me dearly. I'm going to lose our game this time.

"Time's up! You lost." Casey pulls away from me and crosses her arms in front of her chest and pouts. "You only got _two _in. That's bad. Do you even _like _me?"

This is it – I have to say it. I have to say what I've been feeling for a long time now. I know it's only three months into our relationship, but I feel it with every fiber of my being. That four letter word that I don't throw around loosely. The one I only hope with be reciprocated. The one I've been afraid to speak until now out of fear that Casey will leave me with a broken heart the way Olivia did.

But I gather all my courage together and close the small gap that exists between us on the bed. "I don't like you. I _love _you." Then before she can answer I kiss her.

I hope Casey doesn't feel those words are premature. I hope she doesn't pull away and make up some excuse to go home. If she rejects me, I don't know what I'll do. My heart can't take another break.

But Casey relaxes into it and kisses me back and when we finally break apart, she grips both of my shoulders with her hands and stares right into my blue eyes with her green ones. Then she says those beautiful three words back to me. "I love you too."

And in the next instant we've torn our clothes off. The words 'I love you' have seemed to draw primal instincts. We haven't been here before, but right now - at this instant - I think we're both ready.

So the night of our three month anniversary ends with not only the words "I love you" being said back to me with the same amount of love and admiration as I spoke them, but also with beautiful love making between me and my girlfriend.

**Hope you liked this one! Review and tell me what you think! There is a lot of drama ahead, starting in the next chapter. Stay tuned!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Here is the update! I decided to do something different with this chapter than I had originally planned...so what I had planned will be in the next chapter. Enjoy!**

On Saturday I wake up feeling pretty horribly. I've felt a cold coming on the past couple of days. Scratchiness in my throat and on and off congestion. But this morning it's worse. My throat feels raw, I've developed a cough, and I'm pretty sure I have a fever.

It's summer - what the heck am I doing catching a cold? Who gets sick like this in the summertime?

I call Casey shortly after nine AM to cancel our plans for the day. We're supposed to go for a ride on her scooter and catch dinner and a movie afterwards but I don't feel up to it today. Besides, I don't want to get Casey sick.

"Hi honey!" Casey greets me esthetically after the second ring. "What are you doing up so early on a Saturday?"

"You're up too," I point out. My voice is hoarse and I have to sniffle to clear my sinuses so I can speak clearly. "But I'm afraid I have to cancel today. I'm not feeling well."

"Alex, you sound horrible! What's wrong?"

"It's just a cold. I'll be okay, Casey. But I'm not up to going out. I'm going to stay in bed and try to beat this before it gets worse. And I don't want you to get sick from me."

It hurts me to have to cancel on Casey. Of course she'll understand, but it hurts just the same. I didn't want to have to give up my day with Casey. I love spending time with her.

"I'm sorry you're sick. But the scooter will still be here next weekend and I'm sure you'll be feeling better by then, so we can go out then. Rest up, Alex. I love you, and I'll call and check on you later."

As I hang up, I find myself disappointed that Casey didn't insist on coming over anyway. I know it's selfish, but being with her would be good medicine and might actually make me feel better.

I allow myself to wallow in pity because I won't see Casey today for about an hour before I go back to bed. I raided my medicine cabinet and came up empty handed - I don't even have Tylenol in the house but I don't feel well enough to go to the store. My head is pounding and my chest is sore from coughing, and right now my bed seems like a sanctuary.

I lay there coughing and miserable for what seems like hours until I somehow fall asleep. Only to be awakened by the voice of my girlfriend standing right next to my bed.

At first I think I'm dreaming. Casey is an apparition standing next to my bed calling my name softly and stroking my hair gently. She's so gentle and soft that she _has _to be a dream.

But I feel her touch and as soon as I roll over and look into her eyes I know she's real. She's really here, and she's really touching me, and the warmth and concern radiating from her eyes right now is heartwarming.

She smiles at me. "You're really hot, Alex."

I force myself to laugh, even though it kills my throat. I know she didn't mean it in the way I'm thinking, but I can't help myself. "I think we already established that."

Casey rolls her eyes at me and continues to stroke my forehead. "I meant your temperature, dummy. You're burning up."

I pull myself up into a sitting position and tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear. The sudden movement causes a wave of dizziness which takes a moment to pass.

Casey sits down on the bed next to me, snaking her arm around my back. "How are you feeling, sweetheart?"

"Like hell." I pull away from Casey. Even though I'm thrilled beyond belief that she's here, I still don't want her to get sick from me. "You shouldn't be here. I'm sure I'm highly contagious." As if to prove my point, I'm overcome with a coughing fit. A nice wet cough that leaves me gasping for air when it's over.

Casey is rubbing my back and seems completely undaunted by the germ risk sitting right next to her. "That sounds bad. Maybe you should call your doctor."

"It's Saturday. Besides, I'm sure it's just a cold. I've been feeling it for a couple days now." Despite the warm temperatures outside and in my room, I shiver. The chills from the fever have started. Casey wraps her arms around me and at first I want to fight her off, but I surrender and allow Casey to comfort me. She's so warm. So, so warm.

Casey reaches over to the bedside table and grabs a plastic bag I hadn't noticed was sitting there. She never breaks contact with me as she sits it on her lap and starts to unpack it. "I bought out the entire pharmacy."

I adjust my position so I can actually see what Casey is doing. So far she's pulled cold medicine, throat lozenges, a box of tissue and cough medicine out of the bag. "You didn't tell me your exact symptoms so I tried to cover everything."

It's such a simple thing to do - buying medicine and tissue for someone. Anyone else would say thank you and forget about the gesture. But I don't. Casey is so caring and I know she bought all these items because she loves me and wants me to feel better. It nearly brings a tear to my eye.

"Thank you, Casey," I tell her with a smile. It hurts my throat to talk but I have to tell her how much this all means to me. "That's so sweet. You really are the best. I'm so lucky to have you." My voice nearly breaks.

Casey smiles back and leans her head against mine as she tosses the box of tissues onto my lap and starts to open the box of cold medicine. "You're welcome. I'll go get you some water so you can get some of these pills in you. And don't worry about me getting sick - I've been sick before. I'm sure I'll survive. Besides, you're worth it."

She hands me to two blue liquid gel pills and climbs down off the bed.

"But Casey, I don't want - "

"Shh!" Casey scolds me, leaning forward and kissing me. That seals it; she's definitely going to get sick now. But that doesn't stop me from enjoying the kiss. "You tried to get out of our date but it didn't work, did it? And you really got this sick thing all wrong - you aren't supposed to get sick on a Saturday! You're supposed to get sick during the week so you can miss work.""I don't miss work."

"Yeah, well, if you're still like this on Monday, you _are _missing work."

Casey leaves no room for argument as she leaves my bedroom to fetch me a glass of water. I wouldn't argue with her anyway. I'm pretty much wrapped around her finger.

* * *

><p>Casey spends the whole day taking care of me. I've never been one to allow someone to do that - let alone <em>enjoy <em>it - but I can't help myself. I let Casey cuddle up with me on the couch and I let her pick sappy chick flicks and even go to the gas station nearby to get me a slushie.

The medicine she brought helps relieve my symptoms, but by ten PM I've gone through nearly the entire box of tissues and the cough medicine has stopped having any effect. My chest aches from the constant coughing and I have a rattle in my chest now. My fever has seemed to return with vengeance as well. My eyes burn when I close them and I'm pretty sure you could cook an egg on my forehead.

Casey fusses over me, telling me repeatedly that I should go get checked out, but I refuse. There's no way I'm spending all night in the emergency room. Curled up here in my nice warm bed with Casey is all I need. It's just a cold or some kind of virus; I'm sure I'll get over it.

Casey insists on staying the night so she can 'keep an eye on me', in her words. I'm sure I won't get any sleep, but the nighttime cold medicine that Casey went back out and picked up for me has almost an immediate effect. Or maybe I'm just exhausted from coughing and feeling miserable all day.

I have no idea how long I've been asleep, but I'm pulled from my slumber from a terrible coughing fit. This is the worst one yet. I sit up quickly, putting my hand on my chest, trying to catch my breath, but I can't seem to be able to. The rattling sound in my chest is worse and no matter how much I gasp, I can't seem to take any air in.

Casey wakes up a few seconds later and switches on the bedside lamp. She's immediately at my side, her hand on my back rubbing me soothingly. "It's okay, Alex, just relax. Take it slow. Don't panic. You're okay."

She keeps talking to me and rubbing circles on my back and I slowly do calm down and I'm finally able to get air into my lungs. I take several deep breaths, afraid with each one that I won't be able to take another.

I start to cough again. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Casey hasn't left my side. "Take slow breaths. Don't overdo it. You're okay, baby."

After the last coughing fit lets up, I lean my head on Casey's shoulder. My throat is burning now from the coughing, and I feel overall horrible.

"Alex, we're going to the hospital. That cough is bad. And that rattling in your chest isn't good; you could have pneumonia. Now I'm going to help you get up and get ready and we're going to go, okay?"

* * *

><p>We've been at the hospital for nearly three hours. I'm settled into bed in my ER room, anxiously and impatiently waiting on the doctor to see me.<p>

The hospital is busy tonight and there are several patients in worse condition than myself who need to be tended to first, but I still wish they would hurry up. I hate the hospital. I want to be at home, miserable in my own bed.

I was taken for a chest x-ray before being brought to my room. The nurse said that's standard whenever pneumonia is suspected. I was then given a very strong cough medicine that has reduced my coughing fits greatly. My chest is extremely grateful for that.

Finally, I've had enough. "This is ridiculous, just take me home. I'm not dying, Casey. This it taking too long."

"You're getting checked out, Alex. That rattling in your chest isn't good. Just be patient. You'll get seen _eventually_."

If I didn't feel so light-headed and weak I would get up put of this bed and just leave. But I feel horrible, and I have a feeling that if I tried that right now, Casey just might take me out.

I'm so glad Casey is here. If I'm sick, there's no one else I want to be with. She hasn't left my side since we got here and even filled out all my paperwork when I arrived. Here I am probably highly contagious and all Casey cares about is making me feel better.

"Thank you for being here. I know it's not really your idea of a date…or mine either. But I'm so glad to have you with me." I almost laugh at myself; I'm so congested that my voice sounds cartoonish. I take Casey's hand and squeeze it. "I love you."

Casey smiles and bends down and kisses my forehead. "Well I love you too. And you don't have to thank me. You would do the same for me. The doctor will come in soon and tell us what he found on your x-ray, he'll give you some medicine, and then I'll take you home. You can spend all day tomorrow on the couch and I'll baby you again. Sound good?"

I hate being babied but love being with Casey, so that cancels it out. I honestly can't think of a better way to spend the rest of my weekend. I could certainly go without being sick though.

For the past week I have been thinking of asking Casey to move in with me. I know it's a big step and we just said our first "I love you's," but it feels right to me. We both enjoy being together and we spend almost every second outside of work together so it's practically like we live together anyway. We both have keys to each other's apartments now.

That's what I say to get myself psyched up to ask Casey…and then logic hits and I talk myself down. It's too soon, Casey is probably still under a lease, what if she says no? Will I be able to deal with that rejection? Or what if we move in together and find out it doesn't work? We're insanely happy now…but there's no way to tell how we'll feel months from now. It could be a huge mistake.

So I haven't brought it up.

By the time the doctor finally comes in it's been over four hours since we arrived. Dr. McCallister is young, energetic, and strolls into the room as if making me wait for hours hasn't affected him in the least. He introduces himself to Casey and I and goes right to work talking about my x-ray.

"I see no signs of pneumonia," he tells us, and I feel instant relief. That's good. "However, I do believe you have developed bronchitis. I've seen a few cases of it over the past couple of weeks."

A bronchitis outbreak in the middle of the summer? Seems strange to me. But at least it's less severe than pneumonia.

"I'm going to put you on a seven day antibiotic and write you a prescription for cough medicine. You need something stronger than over the counter for that. You should start to feel better within forty-eight hours. You can continue to take Tylenol for your fever, and if you develop any body aches I would recommend Aleve. And to relieve your congestion, I would suggest a vaporizer or humidifier. They often work well at loosening up congestion in the sinuses. Just rest up the next few days and make sure you take the anti-biotic as prescribed."

This is all good news. No hospital stay, jut some medication, rest, and my girlfriend. Sounds doable to me.

As Dr. McCallister is writing my prescriptions, my concern turns to Casey. She has kissed me and been by my side every minute; she's been overly exposed.

"Is it contagious? Casey has been taking care of me. We've kissed, held hands…I would hate to have gotten her sick."

Dr. McCallister looks between Casey and I. I can tell he's shocked by the knowledge that we've been kissing, but he says nothing about it. Instead he says, "Unfortunately, it's highly contagious. I can give you a prescription of anti-biotic as well. Start taking them immediately."

Great, my girlfriend is going to get sick because of me. Actually, because of herself - because she insisted on coming over when she knew I was sick. Even though I'm glad she did, it's still her fault. But am I going to tell her that? Of course not.

As we're getting ready to leave, I apologize to Casey about having to wait around at the hospital in the middle of the night.

Casey puts her arm around me as she walks me out of the hospital. "Happy to do it. And don't even apologize for having me take care of you - I love it! But keep this in mind - if I get sick, it will be _your _turn."

I would have no problem with that.

* * *

><p>"Casey," I call out in my best whiny voice, sitting up and leaning against my pillow on the couch. I've just woken up from my nap and found my girlfriend's spot on the couch vacated. This must be rectified immediately.<p>

She immediately appears from the kitchen. "Yeah? You okay?"

"What are you doing in there?" I ask her, and then notice the glass of water of three pills set out on the coffee table in front of me, just waiting for me to take them.

"Making lunch. It's time for your meds. Take them like a good girl and I may even make you dessert."

I make a face as I take my dosage of anti-biotic and Tylenol. I'm not hungry at all. The thought of eating right now repulses me. I'm too congested to taste anything - what's the point?

"I'm really not hungry, Casey." I pat the couch beside me. I don't feel quite as awful as yesterday, but still bad enough that I want my girlfriend to cuddle with me. "Sit down. I don't need food. I need some of _you_."

That makes Casey smile. "That's sweet, hon, but you _do _need food. You can't take all that medicine on an empty stomach. I'm just making some chicken noodle soup from a can. The broth will feel good on your throat. Then I'll go to the gas station and get you another slushie for dessert. You don't have to eat all the soup - just put a good dent in it."

I make another face at her and muster up my whiny voice again. "Do I have to?"

"Yes. That's the deal on the table. Take it or you get no slushie. Or me. I'll go home and leave you here by yourself."

I know it's an idle threat; there's no way she'd leave me alone. But I play her game anyway. "Sounds tempting, counselor, but I still pass." Then I look thoughtful. "Unless of course you amend the deal and offer something a little more desirable." I have to stop talking as another couching spell hits me.

"I'd say you're due for your cough medicine too, but that can wait until after lunch." Casey crosses her arms in front of her chest. "Amend the deal how? What do you want?"

I give her a sly smile. "A kiss."

Casey sighs. "A kiss? Really? That's _it_?"

I nod. "That's really all I need. A _good _kiss. If you comply with my wishes, you have yourself a deal."

Casey approaches me, smiling. I already know she's going to give me what I want. "You aren't easy, Cabot." She grabs my face with both of her hands. "You know that?"

"So I've been told. More than once."

Casey laughs. "I'll bet. So okay - you have a deal."

Then she kisses me. I had asked for a good kiss, but she gives me a perfect one. It has so much love, so much care behind it that I could stay locked it in forever.

When she pulls away, I can tell Casey enjoyed it as much as I did. She pokes my nose and says, "I have to go finish your lunch now. Don't go back to sleep; it will be ready in a few minutes."

I wait until she's almost out of earshot, and then say, "It takes a lot of talent to make soup from a can, Novak.""Shut up!" she calls back to me.

When lunch is finally done, Casey sets up one of my TV trays in front of me and brings me a small bowl of steaming chicken noodle soup, a package of crackers I didn't even know I had, a spoon, and a couple napkins.

She sets everything down like she's proud of herself for making a suitable meal for her girlfriend and plops down on the couch next to me, taking the TV remote from my lap. After a few minutes she decides to lay her head on my leg and I momentarily contemplate dumping the bowl of soup all over her. I laugh at the mental image of her jumping up, wet with broth with noodles in her hair.

"What's funny?" she asks.

"Nothing. Just imagining dumping this soup on you."

"Funny. Glad you would laugh at that one. But I sure wouldn't laugh - third degree burns from scolding soup doesn't sound fun to me." She raises her head and glares at me. "You're not eating."

"You _just _gave it to me! And besides, you're not eating either."

"I ate before I made you lunch. I had real food." She sits up and slides closer to the tray, picking up the spoon. "Do I need to show you how to eat? Or feed you?" she asks in a baby talk voice.

I rip the spoon out of her hand. "I hate you," I grumble. And then - only to humor Casey - I open the package of crackers, crush them into the bowl, and take a bite.

"I know." Casey lays her head back on my leg. "I hate you too."

I eat a few more bites after the soup cools down a little. I can't taste it well, but the hot broth does soothe my throat. But I'm still thankful Casey only got me a small bowl.

I wait until I'm sure Casey is completely comfortable and engrossed in the movie that's on TV, and then I say, "You forgot to bring me a drink. Apple juice would be good."

"A drink with soup? It's practically liquid already, Alex."

I look down at Casey and pout. "Please? I like apple juice."

I don't have to ask again. She gets right up and returns only a moment later with a large glass of apple juice. I smile at her gratefully, and just as she sits down again, I say, "Casey…you forgot ice."

Casey looks at me as if I have two heads. "Oh my God, Alex, seriously?"

I try to keep the grin off my face as I nod and hand the glass back to her. I'm only running her around to get a rise out of her, and I'm sure she knows it.

But she takes the glass from me anyway and I hear her getting ice from the ice dispenser on my fridge.

"Do you want anything else while I'm still standing, Your Majesty?" she asks as she hands the glass back to me.

I gesture at the couch. "No. You may be seated."

Casey hesitates a moment and then does sit back down. She returns to her original position while I manage to eat almost the entire bowl of soup.

When I'm finished, I find myself playing with Casey's long red hair. I'm glad she lets me. It's so soft. I love being close to her like this.

Casey sits up and checks my bowl, looking satisfied that I ate so much. She takes it to the kitchen and returns with my cough medicine a few moments later. Great. That stuff has the worst taste ever. I quickly drink it and chase it with my apple juice.

"I'll go get your slushie. You earned it." Casey sits down beside me again and takes my hand. "But I want to talk to you about something first, is that okay?"

She looks serious and I wonder if I should be concerned or not, but I slowly nod. How bad can whatever she has to say be?

"I was looking over my case files for next one…and there's one I need you to take from me. It's a conflict of interest for me."

That's it? That's no big deal. "Sure. You know the defendant? Or one of the witnesses?"

Casey nods and suddenly looks uncomfortable. "One of the witnesses, actually. I'm due to talk with him on Thursday. It would just be better if you took it. Do you mind?"

"Not at all. How do you know him?"

She hesitates. "He's my ex, Alex. His name is Darren Walker."

I'm a little shocked and about to ask her for details, when she holds up her hand to silence me. "I'll get you the case file so you can become familiar with it. But you _can't _ask me any questions about him, okay? And you can't ask him about me either. No questions. None whatsoever. Our former relationship is off-limits."

Why? No one likes their exes, but usually don't have such a hard time talking about them. "Okay, I respect that. But how serious were you? Were you married?"

"No; I've never been married, Alex, you know that. I said no questions. Just promise, okay?"

She looks almost panicked and all I can do is nod at her. She looks relieved and quickly gets up off the couch. "Okay. Thank you. Now I'll get you the case file and then go get your slushie."

As I watch her leave the room, I wonder what's going on. Why would Casey make me promise not to ask her any questions about Darren? And why can't I ask Darren about Casey? What is she afraid I'm going to find out?

**So what do you think? Cute? And why do you think Casey's ex is such a secret? Please leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	16. Chapter 16

I'm able to return to work by Wednesday. It would have been Monday if I had my way, but unfortunately the wrath of Casey Novak had come down on me and I realized if I wanted to live to the week's end, I had better do what she says and allow myself to rest up.

I'm actually glad I did. Of course I will never tell Casey this, but I needed the extra two days of rest. I was so exhausted and weak from my sickness that all I did was sleep on the couch and answer Casey's text messages for two days. By Tuesday afternoon my fever was gone completely, my cough was almost non-existent, and I felt overall okay. Not at my A-game, but close. Close enough to go back to work the next day.

Casey has been staying at my apartment every day and night since I go sick. She's been taking her precautionary anti-biotic as directed and so far hasn't showed any signs of becoming sick. I'm thankful for that; I would feel terrible if she got sick because of me.

My meeting with Darren is scheduled for Friday. I wonder if Casey knows. I'm a little anxious to meet him; I wonder what he's like, what kind of relationship he and Casey had. I haven't brought him up since the night Casey asked me to handle him and she hasn't mentioned him either. So I've left it alone. So far. I'll wait until I meet him and feel him out before I discuss the subject with Casey again.

Shortly before five PM I've finished my end of the day paperwork and am ready to go home. I'm tired and still don't feel one-hundred percent and just can't wait to go home, change into my lounge clothes and relax the rest of the night.

Relax with Casey, hopefully. Since we started going out I have enjoyed her company more than anyone else's I have ever had in my life. I find myself hating to be alone. Even being in my office practically all day without her here has been hard. Her brief pops in before meeting and court today simply weren't enough.

I'm about to remedy that.

I'm not at all surprised to find Casey still in her office. I figured she was still around; she would have said goodbye to me before she left. As soon as I enter and find her sitting in front of her laptop eating a small bag of chips in the most adorable manner, it puts a smile on my face.

"Hey, babe," I greet her, and she immediately looks up from her computer and smiles.

"Hey, cutie. How you feeling?"

"Fine. Can't wait to go home though." Preferably home with Casey.

Casey looks back at her computer, still smiling. "I'm about done as well and going to head out. Would you like to come over tonight? I'll cook, and Netflix has some new movies available to watch instantly."

Sounds perfect to me. Absolutely _perfect_.

"I'd love to," I tell her, and that's the truest statement I have ever made in my life. "But it depends on what you mean by _cook._"

"Cook. In it's most famous, original definition. You know, boiling water, ingredients…"

"Boiling water? What are you going to subject me to?"

Casey grins and grabs my hand, kissing the top of it. "I can't tell you. Special secret recipe. But you'll like it. At least, I hope you will."

"Well maybe you should tell me what it is so I can tell you whether or not I _will _like it."

Casey shakes her head and goes back to typing away at her keyboard. "Nope. You have to take a gamble."

I sigh heavily, feigning disappointment. "I suppose you're worth taking a gamble on." She doesn't look up so I walk around to her side of the desk to have a peek at what she's doing. "What are you doing?"

"Posting to Facebook that my girlfriend is annoying and comes into my office without knocking and then demands to know what I'm doing."

I rest my chin on Casey's shoulder. "Yeah. It looks like you really mind."

Casey immediately takes one hand away from the keyboard and places it over my forehead. She frowns. "You still feel warm, Alex."

I sigh again. I don't feel feverish. "Then take me home and cool me down. You never told me what you were doing."

I steal a glance at the monitor. She does have her internet browser open, but it's not on Facebook. She's looking at an apartment finder site.

Before I even ask, Casey offers up an explanation.

"My lease is up in a month and I don't want to re-sign. I'm looking for something else."

"But your place is so cute!"

Casey laughs and I remove my head from her shoulder so we can look at each other. "Yes, _cute_, Alex, but not spacious. In case you didn't notice, it's lacking in the space department."

Suddenly, I'm overcome with an urge to ask Casey to move in with me. I have been thinking about it so much as of late. We spent most of our time outside of work together anyway; moving in together is the natural next step. It wouldn't really be that different.

But it _would _be different. Having separate residences means we can have a break from each other at any time. If we have an argument, we aren't forced to breathe the same air. If we get tired of each other we have a solution.

Living together has its challenges. As much as Olivia and I loved each other, it was a big adjustment for even us. We had been going together for over a year before we even talked about it. Casey and I have been together for only a little over three months.

Am I really confident enough in our relationship to take such a big, premature step like this?

Any other time I would say no. The old Alex Cabot would scoff at the idea. She would say, _"Moving in together after only three months of dating? You don't even really __**know **__each other! There's still so much you have to discover about one another! You're insane, Alex."_

But this Alex - the Casey-era Alex - is going to jump in with both feet. I love Casey. And what's more, she loves me. We're connected. And what does it matter if we've been together for three days, three months, or three years? If we're in love, we're in love. And that's not going to change.

Casey has completely changed who I am. She's made me embrace risks instead of shying away from them. She's shown me that life is too short to always color in the lines.

"I've found a lot of possibilities. I like this one the best," Casey says, pointing at one a picture of an apartment building. I recognize it immediately; it's downtown, on the way to the DA's office. Within walking distance. "This one allows pets. I haven't had a pet in so long! I'd love to have a dog. A small dog, of course - I'm not a fan of big dogs. Or even a cat would be nice." She turns and looks at me with a smile. "Do you like cats?"

My building allows pets. I'll buy Casey a cat. Or a dog. Or a horse. Or whatever she wants.

"They have walk-troughs' the rest of the week and Monday and Tuesday of next week. I may go. I'll fill out an application. The location is perfect!" She seems very excited about the prospect of seeing this place, and keeps prattling on about being able to bike and walk to work everyday.

I let her go on for a few minutes before I interrupt her. And once I open my mouth, there's no stopping it. "Move in with me."

That's it. Four words. Spoken before I can stop them. My brain has given its filter the day off.

Casey goes completely silent. She stares at me for several long seconds, processing my unfiltered words. I can't tell what she's thinking or read that look on her face. It could be surprise, happiness, or horror. I simply don't know.

And what Casey says next makes it even harder to gauge her reaction. "What?"

I quickly look away from her, a sick feeling forming in the pit of my stomach. I shouldn't have said that. It's too early. I'm going to scare her away.

I don't answer Casey quickly enough. She frowns at me. "Did you just ask me to move in with you?"

I'm usually so good with words. I can talk my way out of any situation. I have a quick comeback or answer to anything that comes my way.

Anything except Casey Novak. When it comes to Casey, words often fail me and allow my emotions to take over.

I find myself actually stumbling on my words. "Uh…well, I did, but I was kind of joking, Heat of the moment, you know?" I force an uncomfortable laugh. "I know it's too early. I was just giving you a suggestion you obviously didn't need." I can feel my face growing hot. I know it has nothing to do with the fever Casey thinks I have - I'm blushing. I haven't blushed in so long. I quickly look away from Casey's intense gaze and back at her computer, feigning interest in the apartment building. I clear my throat. "Maybe I'll go with you to check this one out."

Could I could my foot into my mouth any further?

Casey doesn't respond, so I look back at her. A huge grin has broken out across her face, reaching her beautiful brown eyes. "You are so cute when you're embarrassed, Alex."

"I'm not embarrassed! I'm sorry I suggested it. I wasn't really thinking."

Casey leans back in her chair and crosses her arms in front of her chest. "Really? You're sorry?" I nod quickly. "That's too bad. I wish you weren't."

"You wish I wasn't sorry?"

Casey nods. She's trying to be serious now, but as I stare into her eyes, she can't keep the straight face. She grins again, leaning forward to take my hand. "I'm sorry because that sounds like the best suggestion anyone could have given me."

I'm surprised for the better. I return her playful grin and squeeze her hand. Hearing her say those words - knowing she wants to be with me - is the best feeling in the world.

But I have to make sure it's what Casey really wants. I need to know she's not agreeing to this only because _I _want it. That wouldn't be fair to her.

"Are you sure, Casey? A moment ago you were so excited about that place." I nod at the computer screen. "Close to work, you could have a pet…you made it sound like paradise."

Casey looks back at the screen. "I was excited about it." She looks back at me. "But now I'm excited about your place. It's not all that far from the office - closer than I'm living now. Biking and walking is still doable. I know pets are allowed in your building. And it has something that place doesn't have. The _best_ thing."

I have a feeling I know what she's talking about, but I ask anyway. "And what would that be, Miss Novak?"

Casey pulls me down to her level and presses a kiss against my lips, which lasts for several passionate seconds. Once we pull apart, Casey pokes my shoulder and says, "_You_, beautiful."

I've done a lot of things in my life that I have every right to be proud of. I graduated with honors from a top law school and became the youngest ADA ever in New York history. I've dined with Senators, Governors, Presidential candidates, I've attended five-thousand dollar a-head fundraisers. I have strong ethics and a prominent, proud family. I have everything to be proud about.

But right now, there's one thing that eclipses everything else. One thing that makes me prouder than all those things combined. Casey Novak loves me. The girl who took me for a ride on her scooter, taught me to play the Wii, convinced me to swim naked in my parent's backyard, loves me and wants to share a home with me.

I almost start to cry. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy.

"Are you absolutely sure, Casey?" I ask one final time, my voice quivering with emotion and fear that she may change her mind.

"I'm absolutely sure, Alex. It's what I want. I love being with you. If you don't mind, I'll wait until next month when my lease is up. And then we'll work on getting me to your place." Casey grabs both of my hands and squeezes them. "And then your life will never be the same! You'll be inheriting my Wii and all my crazy movies."

As long as Casey comes with those items, they sound perfect to me. "Sounds great to me, Casey. You can bring whatever you want."

Casey shuts down her computer and starts to pack it up. I go lock up my office and come back to find Casey with her office lights off and ready to go. She meets me in her doorway and drapes her arm around my shoulder as we start walking down the hall.

"You know what this means, don't you? We're taking the next step in our relationship, so there's something you have to do. Something I have done, and now it's your turn."

God, it could be anything. _Anything. _"Okay…"

"You have to meet my parents. I've already told them all about you. All we have to do is pick a weekend and go for a visit. And they're only an hour away so we don't have to suffer through any long car rides."

Meeting Casey's parents - I think I can handle that. If they're anything like her, I'll take to them immediately. They raised a wonderful daughter; they have to be good people.

"Do they have a pool?" I ask.

"No. Why?"

"Good. Then you won't be talking me into swimming naked with you again."

"You didn't enjoy that?" Casey pouts at me. "I'm hurt. I thought you had fun."

"I did. But we were lucky we weren't caught. We could have been arrested for indecent exposure."

"_You _wouldn't have been. There is nothing indecent about you, babe."

We have reached the parking garage now, and Casey walks me to my car. She opens the passenger side door for me and motions for me to get inside. "Your chariot awaits, ma'am."

I kiss her on the cheek before climbing in the car. "I'll come by in an hour or so? Will you be ready for me?"

Casey winks at me. "_More _than ready."

As I pull out of the parking garage and watch Casey get smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror, I realize I'm excited about the future again. It looks bright with no clouds on the horizon.

I'm finally happy again.

* * *

><p>On Friday, things between Casey and I become uncomfortable and weird.<p>

A half hour before Darren McCallister is scheduled to come to my office, there's a soft knock on my door.

I'm not extremely busy at the moment, so I call out, "Come in," without even asking who wants to see me.

It's Casey. "Hey, you. _You _don't have to knock." I stand to greet her with a hug in our usual manner at work, but she simply nods at me and sits down in the chair across from my desk without an invitation.

I find her actions a little troubling, but I take a seat in my chair and put on a happy face so Casey doesn't catch on to my uneasiness. "Is everything okay? You seem a little tense."

And she does. She usually comes in with a joke or a sarcastic comment and has me laughing within seconds. She's always smiling and never fails to make me smile as well.

But not right now. She's not smiling, and she's certainly not joking. She's about as serious as brain aneurysm.

"You're about to meet with Darren McCallister?" She phrases it as a question, but it's actually more of a statement.

I should have figured she would know. I never told her, but she has access to my calendar, so I'm sure she looked for herself.

"Yes. In about a half hour, actually," I tell her, remaining completely calm on the outside.

But on the inside I'm a ball of nerves. That seriousness about the prospect of me talking to her ex terrifies Casey for a reason unknown to me, and that in itself is terrifying to _me_.

Casey holds my gaze intently, but there's no hint of her usual playfulness in her eyes. Instead she's dead serious. "Alex…I know I told you this before, but my relationship with Darren is off limits. He's here to be prepped as a witness, nothing more. Our past relationship doesn't have to come into play at all." She hesitates a moment, and then adds, "I _mean _it, Alex. Please, promise me."

Those earlier fears come flooding back to me and that sick feeling resurfaces. There _has _to be a reason she doesn't want me talking to Darren about her. Something about her past she doesn't want me to know. Something she is _terrified _I will find out. And if it were minor, she wouldn't make such a fuss about it.

And this isn't okay with me.

"Casey," I tell her, leaning forward on my desk. "I know there is something you don't want me to know, and that's not okay with me. You are in my life - in fact, you _are _my life, and we can't have any secrets. You know everything about me and I thought I knew everything about you. But if there's something - "

Casey quickly stands, holding her hand up. "Alex - drop it. _Now. _I told you it's off-limits. Off-limits means you don't even think about it."

"How can I not think about it? You're my girlfriend, Casey! My _serious _girlfriend, who's about to move in with me. If there's something I need to know, you have to tell me."

Casey is silent for a moment and I take that as resignation until she shakes her head. "I can't. Okay? Respect that, and don't bring it up again. Prep Darren, and then leave it alone."

I have never seen Casey act so defensive. She turns to quickly leave my office, but I stand as well and catch her arm before she has a chance to make her escape. "Casey - "

"I said _no_, Alex!"

The tone and volume of Casey's voice nearly makes me take a step back. She looks on the verge of panic. And if I don't find out why, I will be panicking myself.

A million possibilities run through my mind. Was Darren abusive? Did he rape her? Make her do something she didn't want to do? Did _she _do something to _him_?

All those thoughts are horrifying and Casey really needs to tell me what's wrong so I can stop torturing myself with what I _think _could have happened.

"What are you keeping from me?" I ask, following her into her office. She's in a hurry to get rid of me, which only reinforces my belief that there is _something _I need to know that she's not offering up.

"I told you to leave it alone, Alex," she says sharply, keeping her back to me and picking up a folder off her desk. There is a sense of urgency in her voice.

"I can't 'leave it alone', Casey! You're my girlfriend and you're ex shows up here - one I didn't even know about - and suddenly you turn all weird and secretive one!" I'm trying to force her into a corner now.

Casey drops the folder onto her desk a little too hard and finally turns around to face me, sighing deeply. "_Alex - _"

"_Casey,_" I shoot back, mimicking her serious tone. She shuts up and stares hard at me. "What is going on? You know you can tell me anything."

Casey shakes her head, instantly breaking our eye contact, and takes a seat behind her desk. "Not _this_."

"What could be so bad? Do you guys have a kid together or something?"

That causes Casey's head to snap back up. "Of course not!" Her expression immediately turns to one of hurt. "And thanks for thinking I'd keep something like that from you!"

"Well, what do you expect me to think?"

"I expect you to - " she stops talking and sighs, running a hand through her hair. "You know what? Never mind. I don't expect you to do anything. Just go do your job. Stick to business and our relationship will never even come up."

Casey pulls a file out of her top drawer and opens it up on her desk as if I'm not even standing here. As if I'm part of her office décor.

And I find myself growing angry. I reach down and close the file, making sure to do it nosily and hard. Once I have her attention again, I let her have it. "What were you going to say, Casey? What do you expect me to do? Finish the thought."

Casey hesitates a full minute before responding. And when she does, she keeps her eyes on me without any hint of their usual warmness or admiration. At this moment, I'm simply a colleague to her, and I know it.

"I expect you to respect me enough to do something I ask you to do. I expect you to walk out of here and go prep Darren and never think twice about the relationship I had with him."

I sigh in frustration, gripping the edge of her desk. "I can't do that! You need to talk to me!"

"I told you I can't." Casey opens her file again. "I have work to do, and so do you. Now get out of my office."

What choice do I have? I do as she says - I leave her office.

**So...what do you think? Something bad on the horizon? What do you think Casey is hiding? Please review and let me know what you think!**


	17. Chapter 17

**I am so thrilled so many people like this story and are reviewing! You reviews DO influence where I'm going with this story :) So keep it up! And stick with it, because I have a lot planned!**

My first impression of Darren McCallister when he walks into my office is that he's calm and collected. And handsome. He's wearing a black suit with his brown hair perfectly coifed, and he smiles, introduces himself and holds out his hand before I even get a chance to speak.

I expected to get a bad vibe from him. All the things I've been imagining happening between him and Casey are all bad. I expected him to be cocky with earrings and tattoos and be giving off an air of abusiveness or indifference.

After I introduce myself, Darren makes it clear he wants to get down to business. I tell him to take a seat in the chair in front of my desk. He does so, and I eyeball him suspiciously, looking for any sign of nervousness or reluctance to be here. But his calm exterior never wavers, and I wonder if he knows Casey works here.

Darren is a witness in an attempted murder/rape case, so his calmness doesn't last long. As he recounts to me what he witnessed outside his apartment building, it's clear to me that it's difficult for him to talk about what he saw. He's genuinely sympathetic to the victim.

And then I wonder, what is so bad about him? What could have happened between he and Casey that she doesn't want me to know? He seems like a nice, compassionate guy. I can read people very well. And either he's a very skilled actor, or he really is a great guy.

Our prepping session runs just over an hour. Darren does well, and seems to understand the rules of the courtroom when I explain them to him. I wonder if he's an attorney? Maybe he met Casey in law school. I want to ask, but it doesn't seem appropriate.

I schedule another day next week for Darren to come in so we can review everything we went over today before his day to testify.

Casey will be pleased with me. Everything was strictly business and her name didn't come up once. Did she actually think I would ask Darren about her? I think I'm more professional than that.

I thank Darren for his time and he gets up to leave, and then suddenly turns back around. "I was wondering…does Casey Novak still work here?"

I feel my body stiffen; I had thought this was over and I was in the clear. I stare at Darren, hoping my facial expression doesn't give way to what I'm feeling internally.

What should I tell him? Does he want to _see _Casey? How will she react to that?

"Uh, yes she does. She's an assistant district attorney."

Darren smiles. "So I've heard. That's wonderful she's done so well for herself." He pauses and I think he's going to simply walk out of my office, but instead he asks, "Do you know her well?"

I have no idea how I'm supposed to answer that. I wonder if he's fishing for information, or just genuinely curious. What if he's a stalker, and by me telling him Casey works here, he's going to go after her again?

The scenarios are playing out in my mind again. I have no idea which one to pay attention to. Damn it, Casey, why couldn't you just _tell _me what happened?

"Yes, I do know her well," I tell him, deciding to be as vague as possible.

Darren studies me hard, and I suddenly feel very nervous. I fear I've made a big mistake. The way he's looking at me…

"Well, Casey's a great girl. I think the world of her," he finally says.

I find myself shocked by his words. I don't have a lot of exes, but one thing I know for certain is that that is the _not _the way you usually speak about your ex. There's usually bitterness and hatred. Saying you think the world of someone you have a bad history with just doesn't happen.

What is going on here?

I know I should dismiss Darren, tell him I have a meeting and prevent this from going any further. That's what I _should _do. But I want to know - even if it's just a glimpse - what happened between them and why Casey doesn't want me to know.

"You know Casey?" I ask nonchalantly.

Darren smiles and nods. "Yes. We used to go out. Almost ten years ago." His eyes look nostalgic and thoughtful. "God, I can't believe it's been that long!"

I know I shouldn't, but I probe further. "How long did you go out?"

"Nearly a year. We were happy. Like I said, Casey is a great girl."

He's not telling me what happened. He's leaving out that detail, just like Casey did. He must think it's as bad as she does.

I can't ask him why they broke up. That's way too out of line. As much as I want to know…I can't. If he's not going to offer it up, I can't ask him for the information.

"I know she's a great girl," I tell him. "I like her very much."

I must be way too easy to read. Darren sees right through. "If you don't mind my asking, Miss Cabot…are you and Casey partners?"

I'm so shocked by his question that I don't answer at first. Normally I would brush this off and tell the person asking that it's none of their business. I don't discuss my love life with strangers.

But I know that Darren can tell; something about me gave it away. He already knows. So there's no use denying it.

Before I can speak, Darren goes on. "Don't hurt Casey. Ever. She deserves the world. I hurt her more than a person ever deserves to be hurt. And I've never forgiven myself for it. I don't think I ever will."

I take a deep breath and hold it. With that newfound knowledge, I'm thinking the worst again. He _was _abusive. My worst thoughts have been confirmed.

But I have to know for sure that it's what I'm thinking. And if it is, I'm kicking this man out of my office immediately and getting someone else to finish his prep. If he hurt Casey, I don't ever want to see his face again.

"Hurt Casey? How? Were you abusive?" My tone is accusatory but I do nothing to adjust it.

"Not in the way you're thinking," he says, "but yes, I did abuse her."

I'm finally getting somewhere, and even though I know it's wrong, I can't stop. I need to know now. Casey put boundaries up and I'm tearing them down. She's going to be furious with me.

"What did you do?" I ask, and I'm immediately ashamed of myself. So this is who I've become now? Obtaining information illegally, and gossiping like a high school girl.

Darren sighs and takes a seat in the chair across from my desk again. "I had been having an affair for three months. She was older and lived nearly an hour away. At first it was just casual, but after a couple weeks our relationship migrated to the bedroom. I felt terrible; I loved Casey. I tried to break things off with this woman several times, but every time I tried, something stopped me. I was developing feelings for her too, and I selfishly wanted them both. So I never told Casey. The other woman - Gale - knew about Casey, but she said her feelings for me were so strong that she didn't care that I was cheating on my girlfriend with her. I told her I broke things off with Casey, even though I hadn't. My life was a lie. And everything got too hard to juggle. I'd get a call from Casey while Gale was at my apartment, and vice versa. I was walking on thin ice and knew any day I would make a fatal mistake and they would both know about my lies. So I decided to tell Casey. But before I could, she paid a surprise visit to my apartment…and caught me in bed with Gale."

I feel my heart break for Casey. I can't imagine that. Casey is so sweet and caring…how could _anyone_ cheat on her? He should be arrested for breaking Casey's heart.

"She was so upset. I felt like the lowest scum on the planet - and I guess I was. Gale was also furious with me because she had been under the impression that I ended things with Casey. She forgave me…but it took a lot for her to get there. I talked to Casey several days later, told her I was sorry. She accepted my apology way easier than she should have. And then she asked me who I wanted to be with - her or Gale. And even though I had loved Casey, I was no longer _in _love with her. I loved Gale. And so I told Casey that, and even though she had been expecting it, she was still pretty hurt. She asked me to leave her apartment." He takes another deep breath and just when I think the story is over, he continues. "And then, two days later, Gale was visiting family in New Jersey and was hurt while horse-back riding. Her brother told me it was pretty bad and that I needed to get there as quickly as possible. But I had no car at the time, and couldn't afford to pay a cab to take me all that way. And then not even ten minutes after I got off the phone with Gale's brother, Casey stopped by my apartment to drop off some items I had left at her place. I broke down and told her what had happened…and guess what she did?"

I shake my head. I can't imagine what she would have done in that situation.

"She told me to get in her car. No hesitation, no thinking about it. We stopped at the gas station, filled up her tank, and she drove me all the way to the hospital in New Jersey where Gale was and waited with me until I knew she was going to be okay. And then she drove back to New York by herself in the middle of the night. She did this all for a boyfriend who cheated on her."

By the time Darren is done telling his story, I'm both shocked and moved. I can't believe how Casey handled that. Darren hurt her deeply, and she still forgave him and cared about him enough to help him out when he needed it the most. She's a better person than I am. I'm not as forgiving; I would have left Darren alone at his apartment. I wouldn't have cared how he got to New Jersey.

"I know I don't know you, Miss Cabot, and I have no right telling you what to do, but please don't hurt Casey. She's had that too much in her life. She deserves happiness."

"I won't," I tell him, with sincerity in my voice. I would _never _hurt Casey. She means too much to me. I'm completely in love with her, and I don't hurt those I love the most.

Darren is halfway to my door when I ask, "Whatever happened with Gale? How badly was she hurt in the horseback riding accident?"

He turns around to face me. "She broke her back. No severe permanent damage, but it does still give her trouble. We've been married for seven years and have a four year old daughter." He smiles. "So I guess the story has a happy ending for Casey and I both."

I frown. "How so for Casey?"

He smiles again. "I have Gale and my daughter, and she has you."

He finally excuses himself and leaves my office, and I'm left alone with my thoughts. My jumbled up, millions of thoughts.

Why would Casey be afraid to tell me that story? Yes, she got her heart broken, but when she helped Darren, she she acted out of kindness and love. It's an incredible thing she did and she shouldn't be embarrassed to tell me.

I look around my too-quiet office and vaguely remember the first day Casey and I worked together.

_There's a knock on my office door. I know who it is without even looking up, and I don't have time to deal with her right now._

_Casey doesn't wait for an invitation. I hear her walk into the office. I still don't look up, but that doesn't stop her from greeting me a little too cheerfully._

"_Hey. It's been awhile. How have you been?" _

_I finally force myself to look at her. She's standing awkwardly in front of my desk, obviously feeling as uncomfortable as I do at the moment. _

_This is not the time to have to make small talk with someone I don't like. It's bad enough I'm being forced to share an office with her and babysit her for the next twelve months. I don't need forced socializing added to the equation as well._

_So I'm less-than friendly in my icy response to her. "I've been fine. Very busy." I look back down at my paperwork. If she expects some big welcome, she's about to be sorely disappointed. They have yet to move a desk in here for her and I realize I'm going to have to make room for her at mine, but I make no attempt to do it. She can sit on the floor for all I care._

_I'm so angry at McCoy. How could he hire her back? She's a disgrace to the DA's office. She should have been laughed out of here when she came begging for her job back._

"_Look," Casey says, taking a step closer to my desk. "I know you aren't thrilled with me being here and having to be my supervisor. I'm not happy about it either. But it's happening and we can't do anything about it, so can we at least try and be civil to each other?"_

_I set my pen down and sigh heavily, looking up at her again. "Not thrilled? That's the understatement of the century. I come back to __**my **__job after spending a year in the Congo, and I find out that McCoy has completely re-organized the DA's office and my new gig is being a glorified babysitter to someone who was disbarred three years ago. It makes my job harder. So don't expect me to be joyous."_

_Casey glares at me, her friendly exterior completely gone. "I wasn't disbarred, Alex. My license was suspended."_

"_There's no difference. You still shouldn't be here. I have a job to do. People depend on me. I have a reputation. And you being here complicates things for me."_

"_Are you saying I don't deserve to have my job back?"_

"_That's exactly what I'm saying. I have no idea what McCoy was thinking. We don't need two ADAs; especially if one of them is you."_

"_That's not fair, Alex. I - "_

"_I don't care to hear it, Casey! I'm not going to pretend to be happy about this arrangement. I don't want you here. I thought it would be easier to let you know that than to pretend to be your best friend." I click my pen closed for effect. "I'm very direct; you'll discover that about me."_

_I can tell my words sting Casey and I feel momentarily bad, but it quickly passes. When I look at her all I can think about is how I'm going to cope with this._

_Casey shakes her head and smiles bitterly. "Wow. Thanks for such a warm welcome. I look forward to working with you too."_

_She retreats away from my desk and I go back to my paperwork without another word. A few seconds later, she speaks again. "I'll take my time moving my stuff in. Maybe you'll thaw out by then and won't be such a bitch by the time I come back."_

_I raise my head at the word 'bitch' and catch the anger in her eyes right before she walks out the door, slamming it behind her. _

I was so cruel to her, and unnecessarily so. She forgave and helped a man who broke her heart. I made her life hell on her first day back to work. She's warm and caring, and I can be cold and quick to judge. Given that, we shouldn't match.

But we do, and I have never been happier in my life.

* * *

><p>Casey is in court the rest of the day so after I finish my paperwork and answer a couple emails, I go sit in her office to wait for her. She and I need to talk about what I found out today.<p>

This place looks like a disaster area. She has open books and case files all over her desk, the round table in the back is littered with papers as well, and one of her file cabinets is actually open. I shake my head at the sight. She kept her area in my office so neat and tidy all the time. Now I realize that was probably because she was afraid I'd rip her head off if even one thing was out of place.

After nearly an hour I get bored waiting for her, so I sit on her couch and scroll through my schedule for the next week on my iPhone. I copy everything into my phone so I can check on my schedule at the click of a button. I want to make some time for Casey before this week is out, or perhaps this weekend.

Finally, Casey comes hurriedly through the door. She doesn't notice me at first, and I watch her drop her bag onto her desk with a dejected sigh. The sudden addition to the already messy desk causes a couple papers to tumble to the floor, and Casey curses under her breath as she crouches down to pick them up.

Ah, those actions are familiar. I usually do the exact same thing when I've had a loss or a tough case. Well, excluding causing papers to fall from my desk.

I decide it's probably best to alert her to my presence instead of just sitting her staring at her, so I gently call out, "Tough case?"

Casey jumps and immediately turns around. She's surprised to see me, but doesn't give me her usual smile. Instead she turns back to her papers and simply gives me a, "Just a tough day."

I can tell she's stressed. Usually Casey offers up details pretty easily about _anything_. And usually my presence evokes a more positive response in her than that. But she knows I talked to Darren today, and she's probably afraid I know her secret.

And I do.

Casey continues to arrange papers on her desk without another word to me. When it's clear that Casey is going to continue to pretend I'm not there, I walk up beside her and put my hand over hers, stopping her actions. She stops immediacy but doesn't meet my eyes. So I get strict with her. "Casey. Look at me."

Reluctantly, she does so. I can't read her eyes like I usually can. She looks tired and anxious, but I don't know which is more dominant.

"I need to talk to you. Do you have a minute? Can we sit down?"

She nods slowly and follows me to the couch. This is also unusual behavior for Casey. Normally she'd say something sarcastic or cute to me about the prospect of sitting together on the couch alone in her office. But now she just sits down next to me like she was programmed to do so, and goes out of her way to avoid looking at me.

Something is wrong. Something other than her fear that I may know what happened with Darren. I can tell. And I'm worried. "Casey…what's wrong? Did something happen in court today? Are you okay?"

She finally looks at me with a mixture of sadness and exhaustion. "I'm okay. Just a really, really _bad _day."

She has my attention now. I reach out and twist a strand of her hair around my finger. "Aw, honey, tell me what happened. Please."

She sighs and looks away from me again, opting to stare straight ahead. "Just one of those days with a Domino effect going on. I was nervous all day about you talking to Darren, my laptop decided to die on me this afternoon right in the middle of me typing up my case notes and I can't get it restarted, I was late to court because I stupidly decided to take a cab and traffic was horrible, and to, to close it all, I lost my case."

Yeah; that qualifies as a bad day. I've had many days like that. The belief that when it rains it pours is most decidedly true. But I know that the day wouldn't have been quite as bad for Casey if she had just told me about her history with Darren before my meeting with him. She wouldn't have had that to worry about.

I'm not sure what would be appropriate to say right now. I can't just blurt out that I know what happened with Darren. It's uncharacteristic for Casey to be so glum. She's usually always so cheerful and upbeat, and she can usually brush off anything. She needs me to make her feel better right now; it's my job.

I slide closer to Casey until our legs are touching. "I'd say that sounds like a bad day, you're right. We can call today 'Casey and the No Good, Very Bad Day'." That comment gets a small smile out of her, which I'm thankful for. "But we all have days like that. And it's not like you to be so bummed about something. But you know what? All those things that happened today don't matter. Broken laptop – we can fix it or replace it. Late for court – who cares? I have been late more times than I can count. And losing a case – I know how that feels. You're just as dedicated as me, and nothing I can say right now will make you feel better about that, but know it isn't your fault. You did everything you could."

She seems to be relaxing a little and I'm proud of myself. I'm successfully performing my job as girlfriend.

"But there is one good thing about today, Casey. I found out my girlfriend is more incredible than I realized. And I didn't think that was possible."

Casey quickly looks at me again. She knows; I can see it in her eyes. "Darren told you, didn't he?"

I nod. "Yes; he did. And I know you're going to be upset with me for allowing him to do so, but you have to realize I was scared, Casey. I had no idea what was going on. You wouldn't tell me anything, and the way you acted had me thinking the worst. I had visions of Darren hitting or raping you or something equally as bad. And then I found out he cheated on you and you helped him out." She's looking away again. She's ashamed. I cover my hand with hers. "Why didn't you tell me, Casey? Why are you ashamed?"

"Because it's pathetic, Alex. He used me and broke my heart. And because I still cared about him, I gave him a ride to see his injured girlfriend. I wasn't strong enough to turn my back on him and walk out of the apartment, as I should have. I still had feelings for him and wanted to help him." I can see tears springing to life in her eyes and Casey quickly wipes them away. "Anyone else would have been able to leave; but I couldn't. I still _cared_, even after he hurt me so much. It's the definition of pathetic."

"No, it's not," I tell her quickly. "It's not pathetic at all. It was a kind thing you did and you did it because you're compassionate. And yes, you did care. He had been in your life for a long time; it wasn't wrong to still care about him even after he hurt you. You're forgiving by nature. And you're right – not a lot of people would have done that. I wouldn't have. But that's not because it was stupid or pathetic; it's because others aren't as sweet and caring as you."

Casey smiles again and she leans her head on my shoulder. "You would have done it."

"No; I wouldn't have. I would have been too mad. I wouldn't have been able to forgive him. I'm not like you. I still can't forgive Olivia for the way she hurt me."

Casey is silent for a moment. Then she says, "You make me sound like a saint. Like you worship the ground I walk on."

"I do," I tell her, kissing her cheek, which causes her to smile. "But not nearly as much as I should have…until today. I absolutely love you. Every day you do something to amaze me even more and make me prouder of you. And you should never be ashamed of anything you've done. And never be afraid to tell me anything. I won't judge you, the same way you don't judge me."

Casey's whole demeanor has changed. The tension has gone out of her body and she appears completely relaxed with me. "I'm sorry, Alex. I should have told you. I was just afraid you'd think I was weak…or stupid. It's not a story I like to tell. Getting your heart broken is a terrible feeling. I never want to feel it again."

I give her a one-armed hug. "You never will. I will never hurt you that way, Casey. Ever. You can trust me. You can give yourself completely to me. I promise I won't let you down."

Casey gives me another smile and intertwines her fingers with mine. She brushes the hair back off my forehead with her free hand. "I _do _trust you, Alex."

* * *

><p>It's been nearly five days since my meeting with Darren. Casey and I have spent nearly every waking minute outside of work together. Even though she isn't officially moving in until her lease expires next month, she's pretty much living with me already. She sleeps at my apartment, showers at my apartment, has clothes and other essentials here…performs certain extracurricular activities at my apartment.<p>

And I wouldn't have it any other way. I love having Casey around. My apartment felt so lonely since Olivia left, and now it's full of life again.

I'm just putting the juice glasses in the top shelf when someone grabs me from behind. I'm so surprised that my body stiffens and I actually let out a small yell.

I feel breath on my ear as my captor says, "Look who's become domesticated."

As soon as that sexy sultry voice registers in my brain, I smile and twist around, meeting Casey's eyes. She looks completely amused, and I give her my usual welcome home kiss. "Hey, honey. I didn't hear you come in."

"I'm very stealthy. I wanted to sneak up on you. I thought I'd find you on the sofa watching the news or reading one of your books, but of course you surprised me yet again. Here you are taking dishes out of the dishwasher and putting them away like a good little homemaker."

I pick up the dishtowel from the sink and snap Casey with it sharply. I mean to hit her on the shoulder, but my aim is way off and I snap her across the face with it instead. She immediately grabs her eye and backs away. "Jeez, Alex!"

I feel terrible, but I'm laughing so hard I can't get any words out. So instead I put my arm around her, and when I can finally speak, I manage to say, "I'm sorry, Casey! I meant to whack you in the shoulder." I try and make it sound sincere, but I erupt in a fit of laughter again.

Casey takes her hand away from her eye and glares at me. Her eye_ is_ red – I really did whack her pretty well.

"You're _laughing_?" Casey tries to sound angry but I can tell she's holding back her own laughter. She blinks her eye several times. "Everything's blurry – you ruined my eye. Now I need dorky glasses like yours."

"It will clear up," I promise her, trying not to laugh again at how serious she's trying to act.

She glares at me again. "Abusive, Alex. So now my girlfriend is abusive. I'm going to call Cragen and have you arrested."

I shrug, as if that's the most normal thing in the world. "A domestic dispute at the Cabot apartment…that will look nice in the papers."

She's smiling now, finding this all as amusing as I do. "I hate you so much. You're so snarky. And that's your second strike today, Alex."

"Second strike? What else did I do? We barely saw each other today at work."

I can't believe she hasn't mentioned the flowers I had delivered to her yet. I had a dozen red roses delivered to her office this evening with a box of chocolates. Just because I love her…and because I knew she had to work late.

As if reading my mind, Casey gives me a kiss on the cheek and says, "I love the roses, Alex. They're beautiful. But were you trying to give me a heart attack?"

I give her my best confused face. What is she talking about?

"The last time someone delivered flowers to my office after hours, I woke up in the hospital and walked with a cane for a week."

Oh my God – how could I have forgotten _that_? How insensitive and stupid of me!

"I'm sorry, honey; I didn't even think about that." I wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head. She smells good; like lavender with a hint of orchids. She hugs me back and we cling to each other for a moment, just enjoying the closeness between us. She needs this, but not because of the flower delivery. She's had a really rough past couple of days. "I just wanted to do something to let you know how much I love you and how wonderful you are."

When we finally do break apart, I keep contact with Casey by picking up her hand. She flashes me a smile. "It's okay. I was just giving you a hard time. And thank you. I really do love the flowers."

"Did it really scare you? I swear I didn't even think about that…"

"No; it didn't really _scare_ me. I mean, I thought about it and maybe for a brief nanosecond I was nervous, but when I saw who the flowers were from, I was just happy."

"Nanosecond? Really?" I ask her in amusement.

"Yes. A _nanosecond_, Alex. That was all."

Casey tries to help me put the remaining dishes away, but I banish her to our room so she can change out of her work clothes into something comfortable and more suited to our evening activities.

I put all the dishes away and tidy up the kitchen a bit before going to wait for Casey on the couch. She doesn't keep me waiting long. I see her come out of the bathroom towel-drying her long hair, wearing plaid pajama bottoms and one of _my _blue tees.

"Did I tell you that you could wear my clothes?" I demand as she comes over and sits down next to me. She sits on the edge of the couch and whips her hair forward as she dries it some more. I have to take a deep breath – her hair is my weakness. I love it. I constantly want to play with it and she always bats my hand away when I try. Now she's flaunting it in my face. Unfair.

When Casey sits up straight and looks at me, her hair is wavy from being wet and cascades down her shoulders just right. _Perfectly. _"You wear my stuff."

"That's because I'm – how did you phrase it – 'domestic'?"

"I believe I called you a domesticated homemaker, and then you put my eye out with the dishtowel."

"It's not even red anymore, Casey; I think you'll live."

"And I think _you'll_ survive with me wearing your shirt." Casey looks down at it and tugs on the hemline. "It's too tight for me anyway."

No, not too tight; perfect. It fits her body like a glove. I could stare at her all day long. And the way she's gazing so lovingly at me right now – oh wow, I'm one lucky girl!

Casey's expression suddenly turns serious and she picks up my hand. "I have something special for you in the bedroom. I picked it up today. I wanted to thank you. For being so understanding about the Darren situation, for not judging me, and for just being _you_. And even though I love the flowers, they weren't necessary. _You _are a gift. A glorious gift from the universe, just for me. And I love you."

My curiosity gets the better of me. "What is it?"

Casey rolls her eyes at me. "I just gave you a heartfelt sentiment, and all you care about is your gift?"

I give her a lopsided grin and nod my head. "Yep. You say things like that to me all the time. And rarely get me gifts."

She knows I don't mean that. I love when she says sweet things like that to me.

Casey gets up off the couch to go retrieve my gift, but I grab her hand and prevent her from getting very far. She spins around and catches my eye and I tell her, "You're a gift too. You know that, right?" I don't release her until she nods her head at me.

Casey's gone for several minutes, and when she returns she's holding a small object wrapped in blue tissue paper. She hands it to me and then plops down beside me again.

I can already tell from the feel of it that it's a picture frame. She gives me the okay to unwrap it, so I do so slowly. I find myself looking at the back of the frame, and when I turn it over, my heart is overflowed with warmth and love.

It's a very attractive silver frame etched with colorful hearts, but that's not what catches my attention. The picture inside the frame grabs me. Casey and I had some photos taken together over the weekend. Not professional photos; just photos we conned Finn into taking of us with my digital camera in the park. We had no photos together, and Casey wanted something to send to her parents before we visited. And I sent one to my parents too – the exact same one Casey chose to put in the frame.

Casey takes the frame from me and runs her thumb over the glass on the picture frame. "A frame is just as important as the picture that's beneath it. It has the ability to display beautiful memories. At first glance it may appear to be only a simple picture frame. But underneath its glassy surface is the image of two women who love each other very much. And the frame's job is to protect that image and preserve it…forever."

I feel warm tears running down my cheek as I grab my sweet girlfriend and pull her close to me. "Forever sounds perfect to me."

**So, did you like this one? What did you think? Make sure you don't miss the next chapter - a lot ahead! Alex meets Casey's parents...and something big happens. And to those asking - yes, Olivia will return soon. What will happen when she does? I guess you'll see...**


	18. Chapter 18

**As always, I want to thank everyone for reading and reviewing. I love seeing all your reviews; they make my day! I am so happy so many people are enjoying this. And I understand the arguments of the strict Alex/Olivia people, and keep in mind, Olivia IS coming back in this story. I won't tell you how it ends, but we will see Olivia again and soon. So enjoy this chapter!**

I love my girlfriend. She is the cutest most loving thing on the face of this earth. Every day I fall more in love with her. Every day I'm so grateful she's mine. Every day I love my life even more. And every second I'm not with Casey, she's all I think about.

I can't remember ever feeling this way. I was in love with Olivia - no doubt about that - but I never felt _this _way. With Olivia I always felt I had to live up to a certain standard so as to not disappoint her. With Casey I feel I can be myself. Really, truly myself.

We've planned a full week; moving some of Casey's stuff to my apartment, two dinner dates, a scooter ride squeezed in there somewhere…and to close the week, we're going to Brooklyn to see Casey's parents on Saturday.

Am I nervous? Yes. Alex Cabot is scared out of her mind. Probably as much as Casey was scared to meet mine. And I don't know why, really; they raised such a wonderful daughter that there's no way they could _not _be good people. But I guess being nervous about meeting the parents of your significant other is a common, widespread problem shared by people in relationships everywhere.

When Casey comes home from work on Tuesday, she goes directly to the couch and plops down on it without changing out of her clothes or even really saying anything to me. I wander in from the kitchen and look at her lying on her back with her eyes closed and can't help but come out with, "Are you dead?"

She opens her eyes and turns her head to look at me, smiling lightly. "No. I_ think _I'm alive." She pulls herself into a sitting position. "Sorry I'm late; I know we were supposed to go get some boxes from my apartment tonight, but I'm not feeling up to it. I'm not feeling very well."

I immediately frown and sit down on the couch next to her. I hope she's not coming down with the Bronchitis I just got over! Maybe the anti-biotic didn't fully protect her. Instinctively, I reach out and feel her forehead. She doesn't feel warm, which I'm thankful for, but it's easy to tell she doesn't feel well.

I smooth her hair back and ask, "What's wrong, honey?"

She smiles at my affectionate gesture. "I'm okay Alex; you don't have to look so concerned. You look so intense that you're going to have permanent worry lines on your face."

"Well, my girlfriend - whom I love - just told me she doesn't feel well. Of course I'm worried. Now tell me what's wrong. How don't you feel well?"

"I've been nauseous all day. Since this morning."

Ew. That's got to be the worst thing in the world. Poor Casey. Good thing I'm here to baby her the way she babied me when I didn't feel well.

"Well, I have just the thing to make you feel better," I tell Casey, patting her knee. I look her up and down. "But first you have to get out of that suit and into something more comfortable."

Casey gets up off the couch, shooting me a sideways glance. "What do you have that will make me feel better?"

I give her my best angelic smile and point at myself. "Me, of course. Now go change and meet me back on the couch."

As soon as Casey has disappeared down the hall to my bedroom, I go to the kitchen and pour her a glass of milk and put it in the microwave for thirty seconds. She hates milk, but warm milk is really soothing on your stomach so I'm going to make her drink it.

When Casey re-appears in the living room, she's wearing an old ripped out pair of jeans and one of her oversized band T-shirts. I can't help but smile; she's so adorable. I could never pull that look off even if I wanted to.

"Sit down," I demand, and as soon as Casey does, I guide her head to my shoulder and hand her the glass of milk. "Here. This will make you feel better."

She takes it from me and groans. "I detest milk. And I thought _you _were supposed to make me feel better."

I start stroking Casey's hair with one hand and grab the TV remote with the other. Since Casey doesn't feel well I'll give into her and let her watch something she likes tonight…just this once.

After only a couple sips, Casey hands the milk back to me and groans again. "That wasn't a good idea. It's probably going to make me sick. Liquids aren't the best thing for you when you're nauseous."

"You'll be fine," I tell her, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Just stop dwelling on it. Let's find something on TV you want to watch. Anything. I'll let you pick." I reluctantly give her the remote.

To my extreme horror, Casey finds a rerun of "Army Wives' on. That's worse than I could have possibly imagined. It's her favorite show and she makes me suffer through an hour of it every Sunday night. I hate the show and thought I had a couple more days until I would have to endure it again, but I guess I was wrong.

Thankfully Casey can't see the grimace on my face as she gets the channel and tells me in an excited voice, "Oh, yay, this is a good episode!" She pulls her feet up on the couch and makes herself comfortable against me. She's lucky I love her so much, or else I would disconnect the cable and throw the flat screen through the window so I wouldn't have to watch this awful show.

The opening music starts and I brace myself for a horrible hour of nothing but sleeping-with-your-husband drama. The only thing making this bearable is my cute girlfriend cuddled up with me.

"You feeling better?" I pull the fleece blanket down off the back of the couch and throw it over us. We don't need it; it's actually quite warm in the apartment, but a cuddle calls for a blanket. It's just procedure.

As Casey pulls the blanket around herself, I snake my arm around her back and hold her close to me. This feels so nice. I love cuddling.

Alex Cabot - the Ice Queen - loves to cuddle on the couch with her girlfriend.

"I'm feeling a bit better," Casey admits. "But because of _you_, not the milk."

I smile down at her. "What made you feel nauseous? Something you had for breakfast? Or did I get you pregnant?"

Casey giggles at that suggestion. "Maybe. Perhaps you should go buy me a test."

Neither of us speaks as the show comes on. I just continue to stroke Casey's hair while we both watch. Casey calls it me "petting" her. She doesn't let many people "pet" her, so I should consider myself lucky.

On the first commercial break, Casey adjusts her position so she's lying on her back with her head on my lap looking up at me. She's grinning stupidly, and suddenly asks, "If I killed someone, would you be my alibi?"

I burst out laughing. Casey kill someone? Please. This doesn't seem to be a very serious conversation, so I feel comfortable cracking a joke. "That depends - who are you killing?"

"McCoy."

"Hmmm." I look away from her thoughtfully. "I'm actually pretty tempted to help you on that one…"

That makes Casey laugh. "No, he actually _likes _you. It's me he has the problem with. His dislike for me is pretty evident."

Uh-oh. This sounds like it's going somewhere. I hope Casey didn't have a run-in with him today. She's already gotten one warning since being off probation; she really needs to watch herself.

"Did something happen with him today?"

"Not really. He just needed to speak to me about a case and he seemed more condescending than usual. In fact, I'd go so far as to say he was rude to me. And I was an angel to him too."

Casey and McCoy don't exactly have the best relationship - in fact, she's right; he _doesn't _like her. But he respects her. That's what she needs to understand.

"You need to stop being so concerned about what McCoy thinks of you. So the guy isn't your biggest fan - so what? He _respects _you, Casey. That's all you need for a working relationship. He hired you back because he thinks you're good at what you do. And you are. So just because you guys aren't best friends doesn't mean you can't work together. Just dismisses his attitude and consider the source." After a moment, I add, "Why does this bother you so much, anyway?"

Casey rolls over on her side, keeping her head on my lap. "No reason. Sorry I brought it up. Just being silly I guess."

Casey is hard to read sometimes. I know she wouldn't have brought this up if there wasn't more too it, but at the same time she has no reason to worry so much about what McCoy thinks of her. I don't worry about what my superiors think of me.

And then an idea occurs to me. It's crazy, but Casey may go for it. Especially right now.

"Do you know about the banquet on Friday night?" I ask, resuming my 'petting' as Casey's show comes back on.

"Yeah. The one that's 'not' a fundraiser for the Mayor, but really is?"

I chuckle. "That would be the one. Do you want to go?"

Casey sits up quickly, looking at me in surprise. I can see I've caught her off-guard. She's staring at me like she can't process the words I've said, or doesn't want to.

"Go to the fundraiser? It's an eight-hundred dollar a head banquet! Those kind of events are not for me, Alex. I don't exactly fit in to that scene. I'm not big on smoozing with the politicians like you."

I didn't figure this would be easy. In the time I have known Casey she has _never _come to any banquet or other type of event that was not mandatory. It truly is not her scene and I know being there may make her uncomfortable but I also know it might help her self-esteem a little bit to be around our colleagues outside of work. She's totally different outside the office and the courtroom. If everyone sees her in a different light in may go a long way in helping her feel better about herself.

I know I have to play my cards just right. I have to say the right thing to convince Casey to go with me. "I know it's not your thing…but I was thinking I really wanted to go. With _you_. I'll take care of the tickets, and I have this beautiful blue dress in my closet that I've never worn. It's completely appropriate for the banquet, and I'm dying to premiere it."

Casey starts laughing, her mood immediately lightening. "Dying to premiere? Really, Alex?" She shakes her head, still laughing. "You really are spoiled, aren't you?"

I smile and rapidly blink my eyes innocently. "_Me_? Spoiled?"

Casey shoves me against the back of the couch playfully. "Yes, _you_. Too damn spoiled. You know why?"

I shake my head, and Casey climbs back onto my lap, holding herself up with both arms. She holds her face inches from mine and says, "Because I'm going to give in to you." She gives me a quick kiss and when she ends it she sits back down and crosses her arms in front of her chest. "You know I don't give in to anyone, right?"

I smile sweetly again and hug Casey's arm to my body, clinging to it like she's my arm candy. "I'm a lucky girl!"

Casey shakes me off and makes me shut up so she can finish watching her show. Once she's settled back onto my lap, she gives a big sigh and has one more thing to say before we fall into silence again. "You _are _a lucky girl. Because I have a new dress I'm dying to premiere, too."

Suddenly, I can't wait until Friday night.

* * *

><p>I spend over an hour getting ready for me and Casey's big night. The banquet starts at seven and Casey is due at my apartment any time now. She was going straight home after work to get ready. Her new dress is one of the only items left in her apartment.<p>

I check myself out in my bathroom mirror for what seems like the hundredth time. I again check to make sure my curls are perfect. Casey loves my hair curly. I worked meticulously to make it curl just right for her. Then I check to make sure the neckline of my dress is still straight.

Despite how nice this dress looks, it's _very _uncomfortable. It's strapless so I was forced to wear a strapless bra, which has its underwire digging into my ribcage right now. It feels like if I move wrong I'll puncture a lung.

Casey is lucky I love her enough to wear this this uncomfortable thing. At least it looks nice. I think Casey will like it.

I have just finished adjusting my neckline when my cell phone rings. I quickly grab it off its resting spot on the side of the sink. It's Casey. An immediate smile graces my face as I answer it cheerfully. "Hey babe! I'm all dressed and ready to go. You'd better be on your way."

Casey doesn't answer right away. Instead, I hear her sigh and my heart immediately drops. That's not a good sign. "Alex…I'm going to be late. I was heading out of the office when McCoy dropped a mountain of paperwork on me. I tried to stall it; I told him I'd come in tomorrow before we left for Brooklyn and get it done, but he insisted he needed tonight. I even told him I have a ticket for the fundraiser…but I don't think he cared. In fact, I think that's why he's making me stay until it's finished."

It probably is the reason, and now I can't help but be angry at McCoy as well. He can be such a deliberate ass sometimes. There is no reason he needs Casey to get extra paperwork done on a Friday night. I have a good mind to call him…but I think it would be better for Casey if I stayed out of it. For now, anyway.

I didn't want anything to spoil my evening with Casey, and I'm determined to not let this. "Do you want me to come in and help you?"

"No, that's not a good idea, Alex. I'm nearly done already. But don't wait for me. Go make sure we have a good table and I'll meet you there as soon as I finish and go home and change."

I can't help but feel disappointed. I had hoped to arrive with Casey, and I wanted to see her dress before the big event. Meeting her at the banquet is just not the same.

"I'll take my car and I promise I'll hurry. Okay? Alex?"

I suddenly realize I haven't said anything. I've just been standing there staring at my reflection in the mirror dejectedly. Casey and I are still going together tonight, we're just not going to arrive together…what's the big deal?

"Of course. That's fine, Case; I'll meet you there," I finally say.

"Great!" I can almost _hear_ the smile in Casey's voice. "I'll bet you look beautiful. I can't wait to see you. I'll be quick, okay? I love you."

Hearing those words warms my heart. I'll never tire of hearing them. "I love you too. And Casey?"

"Yeah?"

Now I'm smiling. "Make sure you look hot for me tonight."

* * *

><p>I've been at the banquet for nearly an hour and I think I've mingled with just about everyone in attendance. The mayor, the city council members, the city commissioner, our state Senator, Jack McCoy…anyone who is anyone is here tonight.<p>

"Alex Cabot is solo at a mayoral fundraiser," I hear a voice behind me suddenly say. I turn around to find Scott Collins, one of my least favorite people in the world standing behind me. Scott is a very wealthy businessman with connections to everyone local in politics…and a true pain in my ass. He has always had a thing for me and takes every opportunity to hit on me and try and dig into my personal life.

From the looks of him, he already has a few drinks in him. Which will probably prove to make him even more obnoxious. He takes a few steps toward me, looking me up and down. And from the look on his face, he likes what he sees. He's such a creep that he makes my blood run cold.

"I never thought I'd see Alex Cabot go stag anywhere," he says, smiling from ear to ear as if he just won a huge prize.

"Actually, I'm not 'stag' tonight, Scott," I tell him sternly, making eye contact and keeping my tone curt. "My date is a little late, but will be here shortly. And I don't think she'll appreciate seeing you looking at me that way."

Scott hasn't stopped smiling. I want to wipe that ugly grin off his face. "Still with the ladies, huh Alex?"

I feel my face go red with his words, but in anger instead of embarrassment. I'm about to open my mouth and climb up one side of this man and down the other when Casey magically appears.

She comes up beside me and links her arm with mine, giving me a huge smile. When I can fully see her, I'm nearly breathless; she looks _beautiful. _She's wearing a red sparkly dress and has her hair pulled back in a neat French braid. It's a far contrast to the plaid pajama bottoms and band t-shirts she wears at home.

"Hey baby," she greets me, kissing my cheek. Then she immediately turns her attention to Scott with a disapproving look. "Yes, Mr. Collins, Alex is still with the ladies. One lady, actually; me." She tightens her arm lock with me. "I'm her date tonight. And a bit protective. So kindly take your peeping eyes and perverted thoughts and get away from my girlfriend."

Scott looks between Casey and I, shaking his head. I can tell he's embarrassed about being called out by Casey. He's avoiding eye contact. All he says as he's walking away is, "What a waste, Cabot."

Casey lets him get about three steps away before she calls out, "Hey, Collins!" He turns back around and looks at her. "Please remember for future reference that Alex is taken - and I'm a very good baseball player." She makes a bat-swinging motion in the air, and Scott simply shakes his head and walks away.

I'm overcome with laughter. That was great! Casey came up at the perfect time and put that jerk in his place.

Casey unhooks her arm from mine and gives me a smile. "Looks like I saved the damsel in distress from that douche bag." Casey's use of the phrase 'douche bag' has never been more appropriate or warranted.

I reach out and touch Casey's cheek, overcome with a surge of love that I didn't think was possible. "You look beautiful, Casey." And I've never meant it more - she's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

She smiles and touches my cheek in return. "Right back at you, blondie."

I expect Casey to give me a kiss right now, but she's reluctant to do so and I know why. She's aware of my aversion to public displays of affection and is respectful of my feelings, especially in these types of settings. I desperately want to grab her and plant the biggest kiss ever on her lips - but I can't bring myself to do so. By now I'm sure everyone knows I'm with Casey, which is okay, but I don't care to flaunt it around. I never allowed myself to do that with Olivia. Our relationship was public, but we were reserved in our PDAs. I like to maintain a level of professionalism even outside of work.

"So, how is this…'thing', anyway?" Casey says the word 'thing' like it leaves a bitter taste on her tongue as we start walking.

"Pretty good turn out. We're at table fifteen."

"Good." Casey looks around nervously. "Let's go sit down."

Casey heads off for the table and I have to take her arm to stop her. "Casey…we have to mingle a bit first."

"I'm sure you already covered that." She looks around again. "Come on. I'm already picking up on the 'that's her' looks."

She turns to walk away again, and my mind quickly begins to work. I can't just let her walk to the table and sit down. She needs to face these people. She's afraid of their judgment about what she did, and the only way she will get over that fear is by facing them.

"Casey - I know you fear judgment from these people. And I know that you don't think you deserve to be here and that no matter how much I tell you that you're wrong, you won't believe me, but you have to learn it's true. It's been nearly a year since you've come back. People have seen your work since then. They've moved on to a new gossip target. You have to stop being afraid of these people."

Casey looks away from me. I can tell she's ashamed; she won't make eye contact with me. "I'm not _afraid _of them, Alex."

"I think you are. You're so tentative around everyone. You think I don't notice?" She still doesn't look at me. "I'm not criticizing you, Casey. I'm trying to help you. This thing with McCoy stems from this, that's why you can't let it go. If you don't face it, it will never get better. Take Darren for example - you were terrified for me to find out what happened. And why? Because you were afraid I would judge you. And did I, Casey? Did I judge you?"

Casey finally looks at me, meeting my eyes and holding my gaze. I can see understanding in them; I think I'm breaking her walls down. "No, you didn't judge me, Alex. But everyone else does. Not everyone is like you. And I'm not scared of these people."

"Then you need to show them, Casey. You need to _show _them. Work this room, be proud of yourself. Introduce yourself to people you don't know. Put a smile on your face while you do it. Show them that even though you made a mistake you didn't let it define you."

Casey tries to sidestep me again. She's becoming upset, I can tell. I've hit a nerve.

"Alex, please, let's not discuss this right now. I agreed to come here with you, let's try and have fun. Save the lecture for another time. Please."

But I'm not going to let her escape. Not this easily. I grab onto her arm again and this time I don't let go. "I'm not letting you retreat to our table. You're going to face this. I asked you to come here tonight with me because I want you to leave here feeling good about yourself." I let my eyes wander up and down her again and find myself playing with her braid with my free hand. "You have _nothing _to be ashamed of. You are beautiful, insanely smart, have good wit, you're good at your job. You're a success, Casey. You made _one _mistake. Let it go, and accept the great person you truly are. The person I know you to be."

At first I think Casey is going to bail on me. She looks like she wants to dart out the door. But after a moment she relaxes a little. I catch her eyes again, and I can tell she's accepted what I've told her as the truth. And barely above a whisper she says, "I _am _ashamed of myself, Alex."

I give her a reassuring smile and place both hands on each of her shoulders and stare right into her beautiful expressive green eyes. "I know. And this is your chance to change that part of yourself. Make yourself proud_._"

Casey is smiling now and I'm certain I see tears in her eyes. "It would make you proud too, wouldn't it?"

It would make me beyond proud, but I know Casey has to do this for herself and not for me.

And I think she knows it too.

Neither of us speaks. I keep my hands on her shoulders and keep her gaze and she finally nods in acceptance. I see her look around the room and her gaze falls on Petrovsky. She visibly stiffens and looks back at me. "I think I should go say hi."

I offer her a smile and nod. "I think so too."

I stand back as Casey approaches Petrovsky hesitantly. Her nervousness is obvious to anyone who may be watching, but she doesn't back down. I watch as she cheerfully greets Judge Petrovsky, who seems surprised but at least acts civil to Casey. Once Casey finishes with her, she introduces herself to the other judge nearby, whom I know but I'm pretty sure Casey doesn't.

I watch her mingle for the next fifteen minutes before she comes back over to me. And when she does, she looks relieved and even happy with herself. She looks to me for approval. "I'd say that was a good start, wouldn't you?"

I can't stop smiling. It was an excellent start.

"You're on a first name basis with our State Senator, right?" I nod, and Casey smiles. "Can you introduce me?"

We start making our way over to the State Senator's table. I can tell Casey is still nervous, but she has her mind set on doing this and I know she won't give up. She had said I would be proud of her, but she was wrong. I'm not proud of her. Proud doesn't even begin to describe it.

I had told Casey she needed to change a part of herself, and you know what? I do, too. I need to get over what people think of _me _too.

I stop halfway to the Senator's table. Casey notices and immediately stops as well. She looks at me questioningly, but I don't give her long to wonder what I'm up to. I throw my arms around her neck and kiss her passionately. I kiss her in full view of half of the attorneys and judges in New York. I kiss her in front of the mayor and city council members, and I'm sure even the Senator is watching us.

But I don't care. Casey belongs to me, and I want everyone to know.

As we break apart, I see a tear trickle down Casey's cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb.

Casey looks around at all the eyes on us. I'm sure there are several pairs watching us, but right now my focus is on my beautiful girlfriend in front of me.

"Wow. That was brave, Alex."

I just shrug. "I don't care who knows I love my girlfriend."

We continue to the Senator's table, this time hand-in-hand. And right before we reach his table, I notice McCoy watching us. And he _does _not look happy.

* * *

><p>It's nearly ten o'clock when Casey and I finally leave the banquet. It went amazingly well; after my little pep talk, Casey came out of her shell and really took to working the room. She shook so many hands I told her she'd make a great politician. I had received a swift sock to the shoulder for that suggestion.<p>

Our meal - when we finally sat down - was excellent. Casey and I laughed and joked around the entire time we ate. Casey was just as relaxed as she is at home. She wasn't looking over her shoulder wondering what people were saying and thinking about her. She was there, with me, and that was all that mattered.

Since Casey and I took separate cars we have to leave banquet hall separately. Casey tells me she has to stop off for gas so I go ahead and start heading home. I'm nearly to the turn-off for the hallway when my phone rings.

It's Casey. I balance the phone between my shoulder and cheek so I can keep both hands on the wheel. "Hey, sweetheart."

"Hi baby cakes!"

Baby cakes? That's new. And totally Casey.

"Did you get gas?"

"I filled her up. How close to home are you?"

I let a couple cars get in front of me before I merge onto the highway. "Just got on the highway. Where are you?"

"Just pulled out of the Wesco parking lot, so I'm not far behind you. My ETA to home will be just a few minutes after you."

I'm grinning at her pathetic use of cop lingo. "We're not cops, Casey. That was kind of lame."

"Whatever. You like my lameness."

I'm about to say something sarcastic to her when I hear a horrible crunching metal sound and then the loudest bang I've ever heard in my life. It scares me so much that I drop my cell phone onto the floor.

The car in front of me slams on their brakes, but it's so quickly and suddenly that they skid and the car turns completely around. I have to slam my brakes on just as quickly to avoid hitting the car, but luckily I'm able to.

At first I'm confused to what has happened until I see what's in front of me. And then I realize what the horrible crunching metal and banging sound was. A semi truck has overturned on its side, blocking nearly the entire length of the highway.

I'm gripping my steering wheel so hard that my knuckles are turning white. I can't seem to catch my breath.

Everything seems to be happening faster than I can react to. I can hear the sounds of more cars skidding, more metal crunching against metal, and car horns honking. Everything is so fast that I can't form any rational thoughts.

And then I feel tremendous impact from behind, and then nothing.

* * *

><p>I'm aware of noise and commotion around me. People shouting, cries, sirens in the distance. As I slowly open my eyes I see flashing lights from all sides.<p>

I'm lying on my back on the road, trying to remember how I got here. I was driving in my car talking to Casey on the phone…and now I'm here. My head is spinning but despite my cloudiness and confusion, I reason I must have been in an accident. And there are others involved. I hear them crying and shouting all around me. Someone is screaming for their dad. Someone keeps saying, "No, no, no," over and over again.

I feel pain. Everywhere. I can feel a warm sensation on my forehead and feel blood trickling down into my right eye. I blink to try and clear it, but it's tricking too quickly. My left arm hurts badly, and my stomach feels like someone is poking me with hot metal. My head is starting to ache and with each passing second I feel like I'm going to pass out.

I try to sit up to survey my surroundings, but I can't. The movement causes a burning sensation in my stomach, and I find myself crying out and placing my hand on it. I immediately feel blood.

And then someone is calling my name. The voice gets closer and closer until it's right upon me, and the owner of the voice is suddenly crouched down by my side.

It's Casey. Right next to me, unhurt, stroking my forehead and calling my name softly. Staring down at me with teary green eyes. I shut out everything around me – the noise and the pain – and focus on her. Casey's here; she's with me. As long as she's here I'll be okay.

Unless she's not really here. Maybe I hit my head so hard that I'm hallucinating. Or I'm unconscious and this is all a dream.

I suddenly feel very cold and start to shake, and I can't stop. Casey keeps saying my name and as she leans over me to get a better look, she starts to cry.

And that's when I know this is real. My pain is real; the fear in panic in Casey's beautiful green eyes is all too real as well. Casey isn't afraid of anything. She's rides a scooter at top speed, she goes rafting; hell, she's even skydived before. But she's terrified right now.

"Alex…it's okay. You're fine." She immediately takes off her suit jacket and holds it on my stomach. She's crying so hard she can barely talk and it's a long moment before she's

able to again. "Everything is okay. Just hold on. You're going to be fine."

I know she's lying to me, and she knows it too. I can't see how bad the damage to my head or stomach is but judging by the pain and the amount of blood I'm losing, it's bad. I'm shaking so badly now that Casey has to practically hold me down. And I'm freezing, despite the warm summer night. I keep opening and closing my eyes; it's an effort to stay awake now.

I know I'm not going to make it. I'm going to die right here on the road with my girlfriend leaning over me, desperately trying in vain to keep me alive. And I'm scared too; terrified, like Casey. I don't want to die. I want to go home to our safe apartment and have Casey hold me and never have to leave again. I want to go where there are no screams and cries around me, no flashing lights, no pain, and no fear.

"Alex…stay awake. You have to stay awake," Casey says in a panicked voice, touching my cheek to get me to open my eyes. "You have a head injury; you can't close your eyes."

I try to do as she requests, but I can only keep them open for a few seconds. My head hurts so badly and sleep is slowly pulling me down into its depths.

"Alex!" Casey is screaming now, and I hear her start to cry again. "Oh, God, no!" I feel her press harder on my stomach, but surprisingly it doesn't hurt. I'm starting to feel numb now. My strength is leaving me quickly.

"Alex, open your eyes!" she instructs me again, but I can't. I don't feel any pain anymore – just Casey's presence. I feel her hand on my forehead stroking me and I feel her touch her lips to mine and kiss me. "Please, Alex! Don't leave me! Hang in there. Stay with me." She's desperate now. She's sobbing and screaming for the ambulance to hurry up.

I'm starting to slip into unconsciousness. Casey's voice is getting further and further away. She's still pleading with me to stay with her, and as much as I want to, I can't. My strength is gone and I have nothing to fight with.

The last thing I hear before I succumb to the darkness is Casey whispering into my ear, "I love you, Alex."

**Uh-oh! A tragedy in the midst of happiness! These types of things strengthen relationships, but can also put great strain on them. Will Alex and Casey survive? And how badly hurt is Alex? What did you think of what Alex did for Casey at the fundraiser? Please review and let me know what you think!**


	19. Chapter 19

**As always, thanks again for reading and reviewing! I am glad you are continuing to enjoy this. I hope you are pleased with this chapter - I tried to strike an emotional chord with this one...hope I succeeded.**

When I wake up, I'm instantly aware that I'm in the hospital. It isn't one of those prolonged groggy wake-ups where you have to look at your surroundings to know where you are like they show in the movies - no, I know right away. The stark white ceiling, sterile smell, and IV line in my arm is a dead giveaway.

Despite the quick coherent wake up, I do feel a bit groggy. I turn my head to the side slowly and that's when I see someone sitting in the chair next to my bed. My vision is blurry as I'm not wearing my glasses, but I don't have to see the person clearly to know who it is - Casey.

She notices I'm awake and quickly takes my hand, leaning down close to me. "Alex! I'm so happy you're awake!"

I can see her clearly enough to be able to pick up on the fact that she's been crying, and that she's still wearing her beautiful sparkly red dress that she wore to the fundraiser.

The fundraiser…Casey and I went to the fundraiser together. We left separately. I remember talking to her on my cell phone. Then there was a terrible noise…an overturned semi truck. I saw cars everywhere. And then someone hit me from behind…and I woke up on the road on my back, bleeding and in pain. Casey had found me. She stayed with me. I remember thinking I was dying. But Casey kept me _alive._

"Alex?" Casey asks, her voice laced with worry. She reaches out and touches my face with her free hand. "Are you in pain, sweetheart?"

I realize I am, but it's not that horrible deathly pain I had felt while lying there on the road. I feel an ache in my left arm, a faint pain in my forehead, and pain in my stomach. I try to lift the hand that Casey isn't holding - my left hand - but I cringe and cry out as a sharp pain radiates up into my shoulder when I try to move it. I have a headache, and I'm beginning to feel nauseous.

"No, don't move," Casey cautions, gently placing her hand on my left arm to keep it in place.

When I turn my head to look at it, I'm horrified to see a cast on my wrist and several stitches extending from where the cast ends. I look at Casey in horror, and she's able to pick up on the questions in my eyes. "Your wrist is broken and you were cut pretty badly. But you're okay - luckily you didn't need surgery on your wrist."

I remember feeling blood trickling down my forehead, burning my eyes and getting into my mouth. I want to reach up and touch my forehead, but Casey is still holding the only hand I can use.

"How…how bad am I?" I'm able to ask after some difficulty. My mouth feels dry and my voice is hoarse.

Casey notices that I'm squinting and releases my hand long enough to fetch my glasses from the nearby stand. She smiles as she hands them to me. "They weren't broken."

After a brief struggle to get them on one-handed, I'm finally able to see Casey clearly. She's smiling at me, but it's not a _real _smile - it's a smile of worry and sadness. Her eyes are red and puffy from crying and I can still see moisture on her cheeks.

Is there something she isn't telling me? Something that has her so worried?

"Casey…how bad am I?" I ask again.

Casey takes my hand again and softly runs her thumb over the back of it. She gives me a forced smile again. "You're okay, honey. Besides the wrist, you have stitches on your forehead and a mild concussion. And - " she hesitates, this one seeming to be hard for her. She bites her bottom lip. "You have quite a few stitches in your stomach and abdomen. You were cut pretty badly."

At that moment, the horrible memory of Casey leaning over me pressing on my stomach and begging me to stay with her comes back to me. I can see it just as clearly as if it were happening right now. Casey was so worried, so scared…

"How many stitches in my stomach?"

Casey hesitates again. She caresses my cheek while talking to me, her eyes shining again. "One hundred and twenty. It was bad, baby. But you're okay. No permanent damage. They took x-rays and there is no damage to your stomach or intestines." She smiles again. "You're lucky."

I want to see just how bad it is for myself. One hundred and twenty stitches? Is that even possible? How could it be so bad?

"I want to see, Casey," I say as sternly as I can. I try to pull my hand out of her grasp, but she won't let go. "Casey, let me see. Pull up my gown so I can see."

She looks at me apologetically. "Not right now, honey. It's still swollen. You just need to rest right now. Don't worry about it." She resumes caressing my cheek, and it relaxes me so much I think I'm going to fall back asleep. "How do you feel? Do you hurt?"

I close my eyes as my nausea gets a little worse. Casey said I have a concussion. Nausea is a side-effect of a concussion. When I open my eyes again, Casey is watching me with worry. She knows something is wrong.

"I feel a bit sick," I admit to her. I am in a little bit of pain, but it's nothing I can't deal with. Right now the nausea is of more concern.

Casey frowns and immediately presses the call button for the nurse. "You're supposed to have anti-nausea medication in your IV. The doctor wanted to take precautions since you have a concussion. He said it wouldn't be good on your stomach to vomit right now. You might tear stitches."

The nurse doesn't come quickly enough for Casey's liking, and she gets up, tells me she'll be right back, and walks out into the hallway. I faintly hear her talking to someone, and within seconds she re-enters my room with a young brunette nurse in tow.

"She said she feels sick, and Dr. Hendricks doesn't want the stress of vomiting on her right now. She's supposed to have something in her IV." Casey has her arms crossed, and doesn't take her eyes off the nurse as she leans in and looks at my IV.

"Are you feeling any nausea, Miss Cabot?" the nurse asks me, meeting my gaze and holding it.

"I already told you she is," Casey answers for me. She takes a step closer to my bed and picks up my hand again. "Are you going to check her IV? Get her something for it?"

I want to tell Casey to back off and let this woman do her job, but I can't seem to get the words out. She's being unnecessarily rude to her.

The nurse looks back at the IV and picks up the clipboard containing what I assume is my chart. She skims over it, and then turns her attention to my very protective girlfriend. "I see here that she's on Phenergan via her IV. Her nausea should be very minimal, and it should keep her from vomiting." She returns her attention to me, "How bad is the nausea?"

"Not bad," I answer right away. It is, but I don't want Casey to tear the poor woman's head off. "I feel okay."

The nurse seems satisfied, but Casey doesn't. She squeezes my hand. "Alex, if the nausea is bad, please say so. Maybe they need to get you on a different medication."

I shake my head and force myself to smile at Casey. "I'm okay, Casey. Really."

Casey reluctantly nods, and I know when she takes a seat in the chair by my bed that she's letting this go. She never breaks contact with my hand and never looks away from me.

The nurse checks my vitals, asks me if I need anything, tells us that the doctor will be in shortly, and then leaves us alone.

I want to tell Casey that she owes the nurse an apology, but I'm way too tired to fight with her right now. And though I won't admit it, seeing her so protective of me is really sweet. I love her so much.

Casey has tears in her eyes again as she smiles down at me once more. "I know you didn't really want to meet my parents, but isn't this a little drastic?"

I can't help but start to laugh, and I immediately stop and groan when that proves to be too much on my stomach. The strain of laughing has caused a burning sensation and I take a deep breath, waiting for it to pass.

"Just relax, Alex, just relax. Try and stay still. Your body just went through a bad trauma; it needs to heal."

I suddenly realize I have no idea what time it is. Did the accident _just _happen? Casey is still wearing her dress, which means she hasn't gone home.

"How long have I been here?" I manage to ask.

"Since last night. The accident happened last night. It's after nine AM right now."

I'm shocked that it's been so long. "I've been asleep that whole time? And you've been here? You haven't gone home?"

"They had you on some heavy duty meds, Alex. You lost a lot of blood. That's why you slept so long." She leans down and kisses me. It feels so good that I'm convinced her kiss is magically going to heal me. Too bad it doesn't. "And of course I didn't go home. I wouldn't leave you. would have sat there for a week waiting for you to wake up if I had to."

And I know she means it. She utterly and completely means it. I can read it in her eyes - she's dedicated to me. When she says she won't leave me, she means it.

And that makes me feel better than any medication that IV can provide.

More memories of the accident come flooding back, and I find myself full of questions. I'm slowly waking up completely now, the grogginess subsiding and the nausea receding. The pain is getting a bit worse, but I don't say anything. I don't want to worry Casey.

"How did it happen? The accident…how did you find me?"

Casey bites her lip again and momentarily looks away from me. I can tell this is hard on her. She's remembering it as vividly as I am, as much as she doesn't want to.

"The semi driver braked to avoid a stopped car alongside the highway, but he skidded and lost control. His truck overturned. There was a pile up of cars…I didn't witness the accident. I came upon it after it happened. I wasn't that far behind you. I saw all the cars and all the people everywhere. Most were crying and bleeding. I started to panic and got out of my car to look for you. I didn't see your car at first and then I thought maybe you were ahead of the semi and missed the pile up. But then you didn't answer your cell and I just…" She stops talking and closes her eyes. "I just knew."

Without warning she leans down and hugs me as best she can, sobbing harder. "God, Alex, I love you! I love you so much! I have never been so scared in my life!"

I put my one good arm on Casey's back and rub it while she saturates my gown with her tears. I feel my heart break for the sorrow my sweet girlfriend is feeling right now.

We remain this way for what seems like hours before Casey lets go of me and stands up, straightening her dress and attempting to composure herself. This is costing her too much. "Case. It's okay. You don't have to go on."

She shakes her head, taking a deep breath again as she falls back into her chair. "No. I _want _to tell you. I have to, Alex." She doesn't go on until I nod my consent. "I finally saw your car when I got closer to the semi. A car had smashed into you, and by the looks of it they were going full speed. The entire back of the car was smashed in. I panicked again and immediately looked for you in the car. When you weren't there I let myself believe that you had already gotten out under your own power and you were probably wandering around just as worried about me as I was of you. And then I saw the broken windshield with blood on the remaining shards of glass and the broken seatbelt…" She gets choked up again and I squeeze her hand once more to offer her the necessary strength she needs to get through this. "And then I found you. You were just lying there, bleeding and not moving. The impact had thrown you through the windshield; that's how you cut yourself. I was so scared when I saw you. I thought we were dead."

She lets go of my hand and starts sobbing uncontrollably, covering her face with her hands. I feel my heart clench; how awful it must have been for her to find me that way! I can't imagine how I would have dealt if I had found _her _in the same state.

"Casey…" I call softly, reaching out and running my hand up and down her bare arm. I desperately want to sit up and wrap my arms around her, but since I can't, I settle for rubbing her arm instead, hoping it offers some type of comfort. "Casey, it's okay. I'm here, I'm alive. I'm hurt, but I'm okay. I didn't die."

After a few minutes Casey looks at me again. My heart clenches again when I see how sad she looks. "It's _not _okay, Alex! I almost lost you!"

"But you didn't," I tell her. "I'm still here. You were there for me. You kept me alive. I remember that, Casey. I remember I was scared and in pain and you were there. You were trying to stop my bleeding and keep me calm. I was hurting so badly, but seeing you there and hearing your voice kept me with you. You _did _keep me alive." My words seem to have an impact on Casey, as her crying subsides a little. So I go on. "I was scared too, but I knew that as long as you were with me I would be okay. All I could think about was how much I love you, and I held onto that. And when I thought I couldn't fight any more and passed out, the words you whispered in my ear kept me fighting. You said you loved me. And even though you've said it before, it was still like hearing it for the first time. So I fought. For _you, _Casey. Because I love you too." Now I'm getting choked up as well.

Casey starts to sob again and I let her get it all out before I try and interrupt her again. And when I do, she interrupts_ me. _"God, I do love you, Alex. More than you know. And I couldn't lose you. I wouldn't have been able to handle that."

"You didn't lose me. I'm here, Casey. I'm here."

She nods and closes her eyes again. "I know, but you almost _weren't. _You almost died on me right there. And I couldn't let you. Not only because I love you, but also because there's something I never told you. Something you should know."

I can tell whatever she has to say is important, but it can wait for another day. I'm too exhausted to deal with anything else right now, and I just want to sit here and enjoy her comfort and wait for the doctor to tell me what's next.

"Casey - whatever it is, it can wait."

She shakes her head quickly, more tears falling. "No, it can't. It can't wait another minute. That accident made me realize that life is too precious to take for granted, Alex. We might not have another minute together, so I have to tell you now. I have to tell you because I don't want there to ever be secrets between us. Ever. I was wrong to keep what happened with Darren a secret from you, and I was wrong to keep this too. And I swear to you that I will never keep another secret from you again. I _swear_ to you, Alex. Please let me tell you. I almost lost you and…I have to tell you."

She's getting worked up and I want her to stop and calm down before she has a full-on panic attack. "Casey, Casey…" I say softly, causing her to stop talking. "Slow down. It's okay; you can tell. Whatever it is - I'll understand." I make sure I lock my blue eyes onto her green ones. "What is it, sweetheart? What do you have to tell me?"

We spent several seconds just looking into each other's eyes before Casey is able to speak. And when she does, her voice is completely serious. "I have never told anyone this. They say everyone has a secret that they take to their grave, and this would have been mine." She pauses and pulls herself together before continuing, and I let her do so without interruption. "Right after I got my license suspended, I went through this period where I really hated myself. I know I told you about that…but I left out one little detail. One night I went out drinking. I was just consumed with self-pity and felt like such a failure that I couldn't deal with it any more. I didn't drink a lot - not even enough to get me drunk, really. But I wish I had. I wish I had been drunk; I could have used that as an excuse for what I did next. But I wasn't impaired at all, Alex. I was in my right mind and completely aware and responsible for my actions."

I'm suddenly very afraid of what she's going to say next. I actually stiffen and stare at her intently. I feel my heart drop - did she hurt someone? Did she take out what she was feeling on someone else?

"I went to the medicine cabinet and got some of my prescription migraine medicine. Six pills I emptied it into my palm, and found some cold medicine to add to the mix. The dosage of my migraine medicine is only two pills every six hours, so I was sure this would do the trick and get the job done quickly. I filled up a glass with water and stood in front of the mirror staring at myself. I hated what I saw, and I actually said out loud, 'I hate you, and you deserve this.' Then I took half the pills, quickly followed by the other half. When I had downed nearly the whole glass of water, I leaned on the kitchen sink and stared at myself again. And then I _smiled. _I was happy with myself that I was going to successfully kill myself; that I was going to do one thing right."

I'm crying by now. Bawling is more like it. I'm in so much pain; not physical pain from the accident, but pain from the knowledge that my beautiful girlfriend hated herself so much that she tried to deprive the world of such a wonderful, loving person.

My crying seems to weaken Casey, but she goes on. "But of course it didn't kill me. I ended up getting sick - violently sick. I threw up all night. I had the shakes and I was exhausted, but it didn't kill me. I was miserable, Alex, and you know what? I was _glad _I was miserable. I refused to feel sorry for myself at that point because I honestly believed I deserved to be so sick and in so much pain. I knew no one would miss her or even notice I was gone. So I just didn't care. After I was done throwing up, I fell asleep and slept for almost twenty-four hours. And when I woke up, I was mad. I was mad that I was still alive and that I'd failed at something else."

She's overcome with tears again and leans over in her chair, sobbing so hard I'm afraid she's going to fall out of it. She's so ashamed, and I can't just lay here and watch her go through this alone.

As much as it hurts - and it does, _very much so _- I pull myself into a proper sitting position and reach out to give my girlfriend a one-armed hug. At first she fights me, telling me to lay back down, but I only shush her and finally she loses her resolve and allows me to hold me while she cries. I'm crying too, but doing a better job of holding myself together. She grabs the hem of my hospital gown and holds onto it for dead life, and I tell her over and over that it's okay.

When she's calmed down somewhat, Casey says, "I'm so sorry, Alex! I'm so sorry!"

I shush her again and kiss the top of her head. Sitting here is causing that horrible burning sensation in my stomach to return with a vengeance, but I don't care. I ignore it and focus only on Casey. She needs me right now. She needs me to be there for her like she was for me out there on the highway.

"Casey," I say, when I finally find my voice. "_I'm _the one who is sorry. I'm sorry you felt so badly that you felt you needed to do that. I'm sorry you hurt so badly." Another tear falls down my cheek. "I'm sorry you didn't have anyone. No one should have to go through what you did. But you are a wonderful, beautiful person, Casey. And I'm glad you failed at that particular thing. Because losing you from this world would have been a crime. Not being able to sit here with you right now would be unimaginable. I never would have gotten to know you. I never would have gotten to love you. And those two things are the best things I have ever done."

"Alex, don't - "

"Casey, shut up and let me talk." She immediately does. "I have done a lot in my life that would be considered the 'best' thing - graduated top of my law class, became the youngest person to ever become ADA in New York. But none of those accomplishes even come _close _to being your girlfriend. Knowing you and loving you is the best thing I have ever done. _You _are the best thing in my life. I love you, Casey Novak, and I promise you will never have to feel so alone and sad again. Ever."

Casey gives me a hug, being mindful of my stomach, and she whispers in my ear again, this time more than four words. "I love you too, Alex Cabot. And you're the best thing about my life too. I don't ever want to live without you."

At that moment, I give Casey my heart and she gives me hers. I trust her not to break mine, and I know I'll never break hers.

**Okay, what do you think? Emotional...or not? Did you like it? Please review and let me know! And to the people asking if Alex is still going to meet Casey's parents - yes she will.  
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	20. Chapter 20

**First of all I want to say thank you so much for reading this and for your reviews! I know some of the reviews are turning into wars between Olivia and Casey people, and that's okay - everyone is free to express themselves and you can't please everyone. But I hope you focus on the big picture - the story that is being told. I'm proud of this story, proud to have over 200 reviews, and proud to have so many faithful readers. SO THANK YOU! Continue to read and review and enjoy! And I do consider everyone's feedback and input when I write a new chapter - keep that in mind ;) Also, to address other comments - yes, Olivia IS coming back. And I won't spoil it and tell you how it ends but, but there will be drama, tough choices and heartbreak at one point or another for everyone. So you can see that there isn't a proper way to tag this as a ship while its in progress. Anyway, enjoy this one. It's the longest one yet.  
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I have to stay in the hospital until Sunday morning. It was absolutely ridiculous; besides being sore, I was fine and there were no complications with my injuries. But the nurses and Casey kept telling me it was for my "own good". Having to eat horrible hospital food and sleep in an uncomfortable hospital bed for a night was for my own good?

Casey wouldn't leave my side. She'd have you believing I was on my death bed by the way she was permanently attached to my bedside. She called my parents to let them know what had happened and they came up to visit me on Saturday afternoon. It was only then that I was able to convince Casey that it was okay to leave me and go home to change out of her dress, and even then she was reluctant to do so. My mom thought it was absolutely adorable how Casey wouldn't leave me. And my dad brought me a surprise from home – my stuffed unicorn I owned as a child. I used to love that thing. I would sleep with it at night and carry it around with me. It's so old and ratty now, but dad kept it. When he placed it on the bed beside me, I smiled and felt an overwhelming sensation of home and love.

Mom and dad stayed until the end of visiting hours on Saturday night. Mom shared more stories about me, which had Casey cracking up. I couldn't help but feel a little guilty as I watched Casey's easy banter with my parents. I was supposed to meet the Novaks today. If it wasn't for that accident, we would be at their house in Brooklyn. I know it's not my fault and I'm sure they understand, but I feel guilty just the same. Casey had been so looking forward to the weekend.

Casey. My favorite thing in my life right now. She's wonderful. She bought me flowers, balloons, a stuffed bear from the gift shop, and played my "get well" voicemail messages from the squad and everyone at the DA's office. McCoy had flowers sent to me as well. I couldn't stop laughing when Casey read the sentiment card from him and then commented, "If it were me in the hospital, he would have sent me poison ivy."

I can't stop thinking about what Casey told me. I don't think anything has ever upset me so much. When Casey had fallen asleep on Saturday night, I had stayed awake and just watched her sleep. I was in pain but that wasn't what was keeping me up. It was the thought that Casey had hated herself so much that she felt the only thing she could do was try and take her life. I had started to quietly cry as I looked at her asleep in her chair, holding my hand and wearing that beautiful dress she had put on just for me. I'm so glad she didn't die that night. I wouldn't have her here with me right now and I don't think I could handle that. We haven't been together long, but I already know that Casey is it for me. I have never felt this kind of love for another person.

When I'm finally released on Sunday morning, Casey goes into full fussing mode. And she's worse than my mother.

She had gone home to retrieve me some clothes to change out of my gown into, and she actually insists on carrying the plastic bag that contains my dress and shoes that I was wearing on the night of the accident. As if I can't handle a few ounces of fabric weight.

I had received a prescription for pain medication upon discharge and of course Casey won't take me home until we stop at the pharmacy to get it filled. I don't say so, but I'm grateful for that. The wound on my stomach is in such an unfortunate spot that just sitting upright in the car is killing me. I had thought the walk to the parking lot had been bad. Sitting is definitely worse. And my wrist aches quite badly too. Some relief won't hurt.

"Will you be okay waiting in the car while I go inside?" Casey asks, concern etched across her face.

"Of course. I don't think I'm going to fade away while sitting here waiting for you."

Casey smiles at my sarcastic comment, gives me a kiss, tells me she loves me, and then disappears into the pharmacy.

While she's gone, I allow myself to think back to that night. I still can't remember being hit. I remember talking to Casey on my phone. Maybe if I had been paying attention to the road in front of me I wouldn't be in this position right now.

But I know I got off lucky. Casey told me that five people died in that accident, and one girl is in a coma. Compared to that, I walked away easily. It could have been _much _worse. All I have to show for that night is a busted wrist, stiches on my forehead, and a deep wound on my stomach. People lost their lives all around me. I know I have no right to complain about any pain I'm feeling. It's selfish of me.

Casey also informed me that my car was another casualty of the accident. Not totaled, but still pretty bad off. My insurance will repair it but I don't care to be without a car for as long as that will take, so I told Casey that we'll go shopping for a new car for me as soon as I'm well enough. She wants me to drive her car in the meantime. She says she can bike to work, that she used to do it all the time.

I'm lost in my own thoughts when Casey opens the driver's side door and slides in behind the wheel. She places the paper bag containing my prescription in the compartment between us, and then gives me an odd look. "Alex? You okay? You in pain?"

"No," I answer a little too quickly. "I'm okay. I was just thinking…about that night."

Casey sighs and starts the car. "I wish I could forget it." She watches the road in front of her until she's pulled out of the parking lot, and then she steals a glance at me. "I'm so thankful I'm taking you home. I love you so much, Alex. I don't know what I would have done if…" she trails off and has to take a deep breath to keep from crying.

I want to reach out and take her hand but I'm facing her with my left side and can't maneuver my wrist enough to do so. So instead I turn my body, cringing internally at the pain it causes my stomach, and I reach out and touch her shoulder with my right hand. "I love you too, Casey. And you saved my life that night, do you realize that?"

She shoots me a confused look. "All I did was apply pressure to the wound on your stomach with my jacket. You're the one who held on, Alex. You're the one that fought."

"Only because you were there. You were talking me through what was happening. I was scared and in pain and I focused only on you and your voice. _You _got me through it."

"I was scared too, Alex. I thought I was losing you."

"But you didn't. I held on because of you and _for _you. So you did save my life, Casey. Whether you believe it or not. And you know what? I believe everything happens for a reason. That everyone has a destiny. Call it stupid, but it's what I've always believed. When you took those pills that night Casey, they didn't kill you because they weren't _supposed _to. You were meant to fall in love with me and save my life. And if I hadn't fallen in love with you and took you to that stupid fundraiser, you wouldn't have been there that night…and I wouldn't here right now." I give her hand a reassuring squeeze. "It was all meant to be, Casey. _We_ were meant to be."

Casey looks at me again with tears in her eyes and just smiles. She doesn't say anything. But she doesn't have to – words aren't necessary. We both know.

* * *

><p>Casey somehow manages to convince McCoy to let her have Monday off. It's completely unnecessary; I'll be fine on my own.<p>

But I'm secretly glad I'm going to get to spend the day with her. Don't tell her I said that, though.

I'm taking the entire week off. Not by choice, I should mention. I'm perfectly capable of being at work. My brain still functions, I can still speak, I can still type one-handed and I can still sign my name. No reason for me to be home. My doctor released me with instructions to take a week off work and I would have ignored them if it weren't for a certain someone hovering around me. A certain someone I adore and would do anything for - including staying home for a week. Casey wants me to; so here I am.

"Guess what?" Casey says as she sits beside me on the couch and squeezes my knee. "I brought home pizza for lunch to celebrate McCoy being a human being for once and letting me take care of you today. And I have some juicy gossip about him."

"Casey, you don't have to take the day off to take care of me! I'm fine. I just have to be careful moving around and I still have a headache, but other than that I'm fine." And then curiosity gets the best of me. "How _did_ you convince McCoy to let you have today off, anyway?" A devilish smile spreads across my face. "Did you entice him with sexual favors?"

My cute little suggestions receive a hard slap in the shoulder from my girlfriend. "Alex, that is disgusting! I can't believe you would even say that. You have a sick mind." I laugh as she shivers. "God. Just thinking about such a thing gives me the creeps. If I ever do anything with him I want you to just put me out of my misery, okay?"

I grin at her. "Will do. I'd never touch you again anyway."

I get another slap from Casey. She's so cute when she's irritated. I could sit here and pick at her all day long. And maybe I will. I have nothing better to do.

"You didn't even give me any kind of response about the pizza. Pizza is a huge deal. It deserved at least a smile or something. I went through all the trouble of calling and ordering the pizza and then picking it up on my way home from McCoy's office. Aren't you appreciative?" Casey tries to act serious but fails miserably when a smile creeps across her face.

"It depends. What did you get on the pizza? Anything I like?"

"Nope," she answers quickly, letting go off my knee and getting up off the couch. "I got everything you _don't _like." She gives me a kiss on the top of the head before she disappears into the kitchen.

I shake my head as I hear her clanging plates together as she gets them down from the cupboard. I can't believe my life is like this. Friday night I bursting with pride at Casey warming up to everyone at the fundraiser, and then I almost lost my life. And now here I am two days later sitting in my apartment with the most wonderful woman in the world who took the day off to take care of me. Life sure can be hard to figure out.

When Casey comes in with a plateful of pizza with me, I'm pleased to see she got exactly what I like. Thick crust with ham and pineapple. Casey hates pineapple.

She sits back down next to me, balancing her own plate on her lap and watching me closely. "Be careful eating that. Don't overuse your wrist."

I roll my eyes. "Okay _mother_."

Casey grabs the remote off the coffee table before I have a chance to grab it. "Let's find us something good on TV."

I put my plate down and take the remote from Casey. I'm not interested in watching TV right now. I'm more interested in the redhead sitting next to me. "Before we turn the TV on…you never told me how you convinced McCoy to let you have today off. And I believe you mentioned something about gossip?"

Casey looks away from me quickly, suddenly finding the slice of pizza she's working on very intriguing. "I just told him I wanted to keep an eye on you for one more day. Because of course you are far too independent for your own good. He understood, and gave me today off."

Somehow that story is hard to believe. McCoy never gives his ADAs a day off unless they are on their deathbed. Casey brought my doctor's note into his office today so that's my excuse…but Casey's is really hard to wrap my mind around.

She changes the subject quickly. "And the gossip is good. Guess who was in his office when I got there?"

Now I'm actually interested. I raise my eyebrows. "Who?"

"Aaron Monahan."

The Attorney General. McCoy's boss. His visits are few and far between, and usually only regarding important matters or to reprimand McCoy. I wonder what he was doing there?

"McCoy seemed…off. Not really upset or anything. Just distant. Like he was hiding some sort of secret."

Usually I'm not one to speculate or get into gossip, but I can't help but be very curious as to what the meeting was about. The spiteful part of me actually hopes he did something wrong. If McCoy is in trouble, I want to know what he did. I want to rub it in his face the way he rubs Casey's mistake in hers every day.

We finish off the pizza and overanalyze the entire situation. Casey of course has me laughing with her outlandish ideas as to what it could be about, which proves to be very painful on my healing stomach.

I'm holding my stomach and trying to suppress my laughter as Casey attaches herself to my side and kisses my cheek. "Sorry, baby. I didn't mean to make you laugh. Just take it easy. Sit back." The pain subsides and Casey smiles and smoothes my hair away from my forehead. "I'll take care of you. Just relax."

The idea of someone taking care of me has always horrified me. I've always hated coddling. I would never allow it - not from my mother, or even Olivia. Whenever anyone would start to fuss over me, I'd become cold and defensive.

But with Casey it's different. I love her hands on me, comforting me. I love the way she looks at me, and the sweet way she told me she would take care of me. I think back to our conversation in the car the day before, when I told Casey she saved my life. I had meant it. Casey _did _save my life. And not just by keeping me alive that night. She mended my broken heart and made me whole again. I'm alive and breathing and not lost in a deep sea of depression because of her.

I don't know how it happens. By all rights it shouldn't. I'm still sore and the slightest movement causes me great pain, but somehow Casey and I find ourselves in my bedroom, completely de-clothed and underneath my bedspread. I'm lying on my back and Casey is touching me gently everywhere I like.

She's so soft and caring with me, and asks me every few seconds if her touching me is causing me any discomfort at all. As if that could ever happen. I don't think Casey is capable of hurting anyone.

I feel so good right now. There's no way I could feel pain. All I feel is pleasure as Casey's hands caress my thighs and then the side of my stomach and then finally travel up to my breasts. I have to bite my lip and squeeze my eyes closed to stop the cry of passion that wants to escape my lips.

After Casey has finished her tour of my body, she lies back beside me and pulls me to close to her, guiding my head to her chest. I try to pull away - I want to bring her the same amount of pleasure she brought me. But Casey holds tight on me and tells me to lay down.

I rest my head on Casey's chest again and am about to object when Casey says, "No, Alex, just relax. Don't strain yourself. I told you I would take care of you. That's what I'm doing." She's running her hands up and down my arm, providing a great deal of comfort. "Just enjoy it. Today is for you, honey. I'm here today all for you. We can stay in bed all day just cuddled up together if that's what you want."

What I really want is to make love to my girlfriend and make her _feel _how much I love her, but I know my limitations right now. But cuddling together with the person I love most in this world makes for a good day too.

* * *

><p>The next two days I barely see Casey. She's gone by seven AM and doesn't come home until after eleven PM. She texts me constantly throughout the day to make sure I'm still alive and by the time she comes home she's so exhausted that we go to bed right away.<p>

I can't help feeling guilty. She's having to pick up my share of the work too and although she doesn't complain, I know it's wearing her out.

So on Thursday I decide to surprise her for lunch. I make sure to take one of my pills for pain and I hob in a cab and head to her office a little before one PM.

Casey is staring at her computer screen while rubbing her temples when I strut into her office. It puts a frown on my face; my baby is working _way _too hard this week.

It makes me feel guilty again. I didn't want to be off for a week. I know it's only practical – and I _do _need to let my body heal – but poor Casey has been left to pick up my slack on one of our busiest weeks.

I can only imagine what sitting hunched over a desk would do the healing wound on my stomach, but I don't care. I'd be willing to do it for Casey.

She looks up as I approach her desk, and her earlier look of concentration has been broken and replaced with a smile. "Alex!" She stands and gives me a hug, being mindful of the cast on my arm. "What a pleasant surprise!" Then her smile fades in an instant. "But you should be home resting…"

I almost laugh at her. Just seconds ago she was thrilled to see me…now she's lecturing me. Isn't love grand?

I give her a kiss on the cheek. "I should be…but I was going crazy. I have read every book in the apartment, and there's nothing good on cable or Netflix." I venture a gaze at the stack of folders and papers on her desk. "Besides, it looks like you could use some help. Let me take you out and buy you lunch, then I'll come back here and help you knock this stuff out."

"Lunch yes, you helping me – no."

"But Casey, I am perfectly capable of helping out! You have been working between twelve and fifteen hours every day this week! I just have a broken arm, a wound on my head, and a wound on my stomach. I'm not an invalid. My brain still functions."

"If your brain was functioning properly, you would have known better than to even suggest such a thing to me. Even though you won't admit it, you are human and you had a traumatic experience and you need to heal. And it's my job to make sure you do." She reaches down by her desk and picks up her purse, slinging it over her shoulder. "But lunch is okay – let's go."

I don't offer any further resistance. I may be able to wear her down at the restaurant. I'm already thinking of what I'm going to say as we step out into the hall – and into McCoy's path.

He eyes us both, seemingly surprised to see me. Then a smile crosses his face and he locks eyes with me. "Alex! Wonderful to see you. You're looking well."

I force a smile back. "I'm feeling better. Anxious to return to work on Monday."

"What brings you here today?"

I turn and pat Casey on the arm. "Taking my beautiful girlfriend out to lunch."

It's amazing that a few short months ago I would have been mortified to say such a thing in front of my boss. I never would have even touched Casey. But now it doesn't bother me. I made the decision that I'm proud to be with Casey and that will never change, no matter who doesn't like it. Including my boss.

McCoy turns his attention to Casey without another word to me. "Casey, did you proof read your notes on the Durbin case? I can't stress enough how important the case is."

"Yes, sir, I do realize. And I proof read it twice," Casey tells him quickly.

He keeps his eyes on her. "Do it again. And have it on my desk in an hour." Then he nods at me and continues on to his destination; probably to make someone else miserable.

Casey's face falls and she looks at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, Alex. I guess I'd better get to that."

I am furious right now. _Furious! _How can McCoy do this to Casey? I realize he doesn't like her, but overworking her and making her miserable is out of line. And she has every right to take a lunch.

I squeeze Casey's arm. "You said you read it twice. I'm sure it's fine. Don't let him do this to you, Case."

She looks down the hall where McCoy disappeared to sadly, then looks back at me. "I can't take the chance. I'm sorry. I'll see you at home."

As she turns to go back into her office, I grab her again and give her a kiss. I know I said I wouldn't do this at work…but I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter. My kiss gets an immediate smile from my girlfriend, and I make her a promise. "I'll bring you back something, okay?"

Then I let her go and as soon as he office door is shut, I start out on my quest to find McCoy.

His secretary tells me he's in a meeting with the Attorney General. Again? I wonder what they could be discussing. It's rare for the Attorney General to even call this office, let alone have meetings here twice in a week.

"Please tell Mr. McCoy that I'm waiting to see him and that it's a matter of importance," I instruct the secretary as I take a seat to wait. I cringe at the pain it causes me to sit down. I have to lean back slightly in the chair to be comfortable, which is awkward.

I'm thinking about what I want to say as I wait. I think I'll open with telling McCoy he needs to lay off Casey, that she's been working long hours these past few days and she's entitled to go out to lunch with her girlfriend. I'm going to tell him to stop sending Casey on drycleaning runs – she's not his personal assistant.

I wait for an hour and a half. McCoy's door never opens. Whatever he and Aaron Monahan are discussing, it must be big.

Finally, the secretary's line rings. I know immediately that it's McCoy. I try to eavesdrop without it being obvious, and I'm able to pick up on a couple words. "Yes, she's still here. Okay, sir. Yes. I will tell her." Then she secretary hangs up the phone and looks up at me. "Miss Cabot?"

I already know I'm being blown off. "Yes?"

"Mr. McCoy wants me to give you his apologies, but his meeting is going to run pretty late. He's asked if you could come at opening of business tomorrow? He says he would like to talk to you as well."

I tell the secretary I'll be there, and then leave the building to call a cab to take me home.

So McCoy wants to see _me _too. I have a pretty good idea what this is about.

* * *

><p>I'm awakened very early the next morning by a cell phone ringing. My wake up reflexes are quite slow, so it takes me a moment to react. I'm just pulling myself into a sitting position when Casey switches on the bedside lamp on her side of the bed.<p>

"It's my phone," she tells me quickly, grabbing her phone from the nightstand. She looks at the caller ID, lets out a groan, and puts it to her ear. "Good morning, Mr. McCoy, what can I do for you?"

I steal a glance at the alarm clock. It's only ten after five! What in the world would McCoy being calling Casey this early for? Casey is never up before seven AM, and she isn't due in to work until nine.

After a moment, Casey says, "Does it have to be done now? I didn't get a lot of sleep, and…okay. Yes, I understand. I'll take care of it."

Don't tell me McCoy is telling Casey she has to go into work right now! That is unacceptable! Casey didn't get home until after eleven last night and she was so exhausted that she passed out on the couch after I practically force-fed her dinner. She hadn't eaten all day and I wasn't about to let her go to bed without eating. It broke my heart to have to wake her so she could go to bed. If she hadn't had to work in the morning, I would have just curled up on the couch next to her and slept there all night.

Casey needs her sleep. The way McCoy is treating her is wrong…and it ends _right now._

Without a word I slide over to Casey and grab her cell phone away from her. The sudden movement causes a burning in my stomach, but I ignore it. Casey is looking at me with a bewildered expression as I put the phone to my ear. "Jack? Alex Cabot." I don't even give him a chance to react. "Jack, if you are asking Casey to get out of bed and come into the office, I'm sorry to inform you that it _won't _be happening. Casey has put in extra hours every day this week and came home exhausted every night. She needs her rest. Doing the work of two ADAs is hard, and you should want her to fully rested. So Casey will see you at nine AM. And so will I."

There's a long pause. And then, "Very well, Alex."

I click off the phone, hand it back to Casey, and settle back down against my pillow. "There you go. Now go back to sleep."

Instead of lying back down and turning off the light, Casey starts to laugh. "That was great, Alex! Epic, actually. I would have loved to have seen his face." She switches off the lamp and then suddenly she's lying right next to me, her arm draped across me and I can feel her breath on my neck. "You are such a badass, Cabot." She kisses my neck and this time lowers her voice to a sultry whisper. "A very _sexy _badass."

I wish I could roll onto my other side to face her, but it makes for an awkward sleeping position with the cast on my wrist. So instead I reach behind me and seek out Casey's hand. It's so warm and soft. I give it a squeeze. "I love you. You're the best. And I won't let McCoy push you around."

Casey doesn't answer, and I can tell from her steady breathing that she's fallen back asleep. So I keep a hold of her hand and give in to the land of slumber as well.

* * *

><p>I don't want Casey to know I'm meeting with McCoy, so I wait until nine-thirty to go to his office. The hallway should be a safe zone. Casey is probably working on her court schedule for the day so I'm not too afraid of running into her.<p>

I feel a little guilty going behind her back, but she needs someone to stick up for her. The way she is being treated is wrong and it needs to stop. This morning's five AM wake up call was the last straw. And if I don't get satisfaction here, I will go over McCoy's head.

He's expecting me, so I'm ushered right into his office. He regards me with a smile and a handshake, which I'm obligated to return.

"You're looking well, Alex. How are you feeling?" he asks, as if he really cares.

But I'm not interested in talking about myself here, and I make that clear. "I'm fine. I actually came here to talk to you about Casey."

He holds up his hand to stop me. "I'm glad you came in. And I was going to call you in for a meeting myself. We have a few things to discuss. Casey being one of them." He picks up his phone receiver from his desk and hits a line. "Karen. Please send Casey Novak to my office immediately. Thank you."

Great. He wants to see us both at the same time. My earlier suspicions have been confirmed; this is about the little kiss we shared at the fundraiser.

"I mean no disrespect, but I'd like to talk to you without Casey present."

McCoy nods. "I'm sure you would. But I'd like to talk to you both, and since I'm a very busy man, we're going to kill two birds with one stone. You'll have your turn to say your piece, I promise you."

A few minutes later Casey comes in. Her eyes go from me to McCoy, and then back to me. I can't really describe her expression; I'd call it deer-in-the-headlights. She thinks she's in trouble.

McCoy motions for her to take a seat, which she does, in the chair next to me. She looks at me again and I make sure to look her in the eyes and nod so she knows it's okay. At least I _think _it is.

Neither of us speaks. Whatever McCoy has to say, it's his right to say it first. We're his employees. We have to sit here as long as he wants us to and wait for him to get on with it.

But thankfully we don't have to wait long. McCoy sighs and sits back in his chair. After a moment's contemplation, he says, "I really didn't think we were going to have an issue here." He gestures towards us. "The two of you together. I thought I had made it clear when Alex revealed your relationship to me that I had no issues with it as long as it stayed out of the office. Alex and Detective Benson were together for years, and they always seemed to obey my rules. I understand the two of you work more closely and temptation may get the best of you, but I really expected more from the two of you."

I frown in confusion. "In what ways have we made this an issue? Because we kissed at that fundraiser? That was a social function outside of work, I hardly think it qualifies – "

"Alex, please don't second-guess me. The two of you are held to a higher standard. You represent _me_, this office, and the people of New York. What you do in your personal time is none of my business, but as long as you are representing me and among colleagues, I expect you to remain professional. No kissing, no hand holding, no excessive touching."

I open my mouth and am about to interject, when Casey does so. "Would we be having this conversation at all if one of us was a man?"

Oh boy. I can tell just from the tone in her voice that she's angry. I am too, but I can control what I do and say a little bit better than Casey can. I wish she would let me do the talking here. She's completely right, but she's going to dig herself into a hole.

McCoy shifts his entire focus to Casey. "I'm not sure I understand?"

"You'll have to excuse me if my memory of that night isn't as sharp as usual…I almost lost the love of my life on our way home. But what I _do_ remember – and very vividly, I might add – is seeing State Senators, judges and the Chief of Police all hugging and kissing their spouses of the opposite sex. I know Alex and I aren't married, but it's the same difference. Are their bosses all giving them the same speech that Alex and I are having the extreme privilege of getting to hear right now?"

McCoy is mad. I swear I can actually see his face turning red. Casey pushed his buttons – all the way to maximum. He's going to explode and it's going to be a mess to clean up.

"Casey, you _know _it's different," McCoy says slowly, emphasizing each word. He's doing a pretty good job maintaining his calm. I'm impressed. "As much as you want the world to be accepting of your lifestyle, the sad reality is that you will always find those whom it matters to. Personally I don't care who you choose to date…but others do, and you can't be throwing your relationship in their faces. You are a professional and you must remain so _at all times._" And as a side note he adds, "I know that's difficult for you."

Casey ignores his snide little comment and lays right into him. "I agree with what you said, but you know what? The people who care that Alex and I are together are people that I don't have any use for. If they're going to judge two people who love each other just because they are the same sex…well, I'm sorry, but they are none of my concern."

"None of your concern, maybe, but they are of _mine. _Desist of all displays of affection at any event with any superiors or colleagues present while you are representing me. I have given you an order, Casey. An order that I expect you to follow. Have I made myself clear?"

It's funny; he gave the order to both of us, but he looks at only Casey with his last words. He's staring at her, just waiting for her to defy him, and she stares right back.

I chose this as my time to jump in. Before Casey shovels any more dirt out of her hole. Even though he is completely wrong and Casey is completely right, I know we do still have to obey his wishes. So reluctantly I say, "Yes sir. Very clear. It won't be an issue any more."

Casey immediately looks at me, a look of shook on her face. I can tell there's something she wants to say to me but I get the feeling I'll be hearing it in private….very soon.

McCoy nods and I expect him to dismiss us both, but he's not finished with us yet. He clears his throat and takes a sip of his coffee before continuing. And when he does, his full attention is on Casey again, as if I'm not even there.

"Now that that's settled, we can move on to the next issue. Casey…your job performance."

I glance at Casey and I see her visibly stiffen and I'm suddenly very nervous. Has she done something wrong? Is she not okay working on her own? If McCoy has something to say to her regarding the job she's been doing, I have no right to hear this. And he has no right to bring it up in front of me.

"Would you like me to step out for this?" I ask, unsuccessfully trying to hide my nervousness.

McCoy looks at me. "Only if Casey wants you to. Casey?"

She's looking at me, begging me with her eyes to stay and be her ally. "You can stay, Alex. I didn't do anything wrong," she finally says.

McCoy wastes no time challenging what she just said. "Actually, Casey, you have. Your work these past few days has not been up to par. Your reports have been sloppy, you lost a case yesterday you easily should have won, you were short with a witness that you prepped, and your attitude has been very poor. Care to give me an explanation?"

I watch Casey closely. She's staying calm, which I'm proud of her for, but I can tell she's upset and embarrassed. And I find myself angry with McCoy again – how could he do this in front of me? Does he hate Casey so much that he _enjoys _humiliating her in front of her girlfriend?

"Yes, I do have an explanation. My girlfriend nearly died. I've been working fifteen hours a day and getting very little sleep. I'm exhausted and using energy drinks just to get through the day. And on top of all that, you've made me your little errand girl." So much for staying calm. She's mad now. "Tell me, Mr. McCoy, do you need your car washed today, or do I need to pick up more drycleaning for you?"

McCoy's face flashes again. "Casey – you know what your problem is? You're a reactive personality."

Casey has a quick comeback for that. "And you know what _your _problem is? You're an asshole."

Suddenly the office grows so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Everything seems to go in slow motion. I turn my head and look at Casey, my mouth dropping open in shock and horror. I cannot _believe _she just said that to our boss.

And neither can McCoy. He is so flustered he has no idea what to say to her. The two of them are sitting there staring each other down, and suddenly McCoy's door open and his secretary appears in it. Casey's saving grace.

"Mr. McCoy, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need you out here."

He slowly rises from his chair, not taking his eyes off Casey. Once he's standing, he points right at her, his face still red. "_You _don't move. I'll be right back."

As soon as he closes the door behind himself, I turn to Casey and let her have it. "Do you have any idea what you just did?"

"Yes. I called a spade a spade."

This is no time for her to be cocky or sarcastic. When I've gathered the appropriate words to express my anger, I point at the door and tell her, "Casey, you can't talk that way to our boss! When he gives you an order, you follow it! You have to stop doing this! That right there – what you said – is insubordination. And what's worse is you said it in front of me! You made _me _McCoy's witness! I don't have immunity just because I'm your girlfriend!"

Casey matches my angry tone. "Oh, but he can talk to me the way he does? And that's okay?"

"No, it isn't; it's deplorable. But there's nothing you can do it about it. Has he ever said anything inappropriate to you?"

"No…"

"Then you can't do a damn thing, Casey. There's no law against being an asshole to someone so yes, he will get away with it. It's not fair, I agree, but you have to just take it. I do. I put up with his bullshit without flying off the handle to him."

"You don't know, Alex, because he's different with you. He demeans me every chance he gets. He talks down to me. He treats me like his slave. I'm sick of putting up with it. I shouldn't have to. And you should be ashamed of yourself, Alex! How did you get to be such a brown-noser?"

I'm taken aback by that. "_Excuse _me?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. How could you sit there and let him give that despicable speech about our relationship being _different_? It was complete bigotry, Alex. And all you did was say, 'Yes sir, it won't happen again.' I'm so disappointed in you."

Unfortunately I don't get a rebuttal. At the exact moment Casey is finished speaking, McCoy comes back into the office and resumes his earlier position behind his desk. I wonder if he can pick up on the sudden chill in the room. I'm surprised there aren't icicles hanging from his desk."

He decides to mince no words. "Casey, what you said was highly inappropriate. I'd like an apology."

"I'm not giving you one. I meant it," Casey says sternly. "You haven't shown me any respect these past few days. You haven't even treated me like a human being. Why should I apologize for having the guts to say what's true?"

That was not what McCoy wanted to hear. Her sighs deeply. "Strike two, Casey. As a baseball player you should understand this concept. One more strike and you're out. Keep going if you'd like."

I can't sit here and watch my girlfriend commit career suicide. I have to stop her before she does something even more regrettable. I take a deep breath and reach out and touch her arm. She immediately frowns at me and pushes my hand away, but I don't care. She's going to hear what I have to say anyway. "Casey…just stop. Calm down. I know you're upset. But please…stop."

And to my relief, she does. Whatever sarcastic comment was on its way out of her mouth has aborted its mission. She looks away from me and sits back in the chair, seemingly accepting defeat. At least for now. And when I'm satisfied she isn't going to lose it again, I relax a little.

"You can go back to work, Casey," McCoy says, and Casey quickly gets up from her chair, only to have McCoy stop her with his words. "But before you do – please know this. And I'll dumb it down so even _you_ can understand it."

I glare at McCoy. I understand his anger towards Casey, but that doesn't give him the right to be so hurtful towards her.

"I hired you back because you're good at what you do and we needed someone capable. But your attitude stinks. Frankly, I didn't think you'd last this long. I felt confident that I could hire you, get what I needed from you, and you'd get yourself fired again before you caused me problems. You flaunt your unprofessionalism like it's a tattoo. I'm not proud to have you as one of my ADAs. It's not an honor to be your boss, and I don't feel honored to have you serve me. So just go back to your job – and keep this in the back of your mind."

Casey gives me one sad look as she heads for the door. I can barely bring myself to look at her. I know those words have to hurt, and that compounded with our argument…I feel horrible for Casey. I want to get up and follow her out the door and wrap her in my arms and tell her I love her and that McCoy is full of shit and that she's the best ADA he has ever had…but I don't.

After the adequate amount of time has elapsed, I lock my eyes on McCoy and say, "That was hurtful. You didn't need to do that to her."

"And what she said to me wasn't hurtful?"

"Come on, Jack! You've been called worse than that in the courtroom! Casey made a mistake years ago, and she's paid for it. You don't need to make her continue to pay for it everyday. And you can't make her run errands for you. It's not part of her job. And calling her at five AM to come into work? No wonder she exploded on you. She needs a break." In that split second I make a decision that overrides everyone else's. "I'm coming back to work tomorrow. I can write, I can type, I can speak; there's no reason I can't work. Casey doesn't need this all on her."

I expect an argument on my announcement that I'm coming back to work, but instead McCoy switches gears quickly. "Why are you wasting your time with Casey Novak? She has no future. _You _do. You're the brightest star we have, Alex." McCoy leans over his desk so he's closer to me. "Don't do anything to jeopardize that. You know the game. Choose your associations carefully."

This feels like a lead-in to something, but I can't let what he said about Casey just drop. "Casey has a future, Jack. She's brilliant. She's outspoken and opinionated. Maybe you don't think she has one – maybe she doesn't either – but I _do_. And I'd hardly call being with Casey 'wasting my time'. I love her. She's the person I love and the person I choose to be with. I wouldn't be here without her. Life is hard, but what I've realized is that all that matters is love. If you have someone who loves you by your side holding your hand and believing in you, then you can walk away from the rest of the world together. Stronger, because you are no longer two people. You're one."

My Hallmark card worthy sentiment is lost on McCoy. He gives no reaction at all to what I've just said. "Casey isn't the only issue I wanted to discuss with you, Alex."

I had a feeling that might be the case. "So what else is there?"

He takes a moment to answer, studying me carefully. "You're the best person I've ever had. A promotion is going to be available soon. I can't tell you what or when yet, but I can tell you that it would life-changing for you. You are right at the top of the list of people being considered. Don't let that person you're choosing to be with spoil it for you."

Then he excuses himself to go to a meeting and leaves me sitting there in his office alone, trying to absorb everything that has just happened.

**Okay...I worked really hard on this one! What does everyone think? Do you like, dislike? Agree/disagree with Casey and Alex's actions? What do you think will happen now? Please review and let me know!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks again to those reading/reviewing! Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

I feel pretty rotten about myself right now. I did not handle that meeting well at all. Granted I didn't get angry and fly off the handle like Casey, but I was still wrong. I listened to McCoy berate the woman I love and all I did was sit there and take it. I did nothing to stand up for her. I watched her leave his office nearly in tears…and I just sat there. I didn't follow her.

And why? Because unlike Casey, I have respect for my boss. I don't like him, but I respect him. I have to do what he tells me if I want to keep my job, no matter how much it hurts me to do so.

This is what I'm using to justify not coming to Casey's defense in McCoy's office. But I have to admit….it doesn't sit well even with me. I feel awful. I actually feel sick as I walk down the hall towards Casey's office.

The door to Casey's office is closed, but I enter without knocking. I expect to find her sitting at her desk crying but instead I find her packing her briefcase in a hurry, and she barely looks up when I enter her office.

I close her door behind me. We don't need anyone eavesdropping on our conversation. I feel so horrible for Casey; what McCoy said was cruel and unnecessary and I know she's hurting badly right now. Just when I had successfully started to build her self-esteem and make her feel good about herself around here, McCoy has to go and take her all the way down. And he humiliated her in front of me, which makes it worse. Yes, Casey was out of line with her outburst, but so was McCoy.

"Casey, I'm sorry – " I begin, but Casey holds up her hand to stop me.

"Don't even bother, Alex. I don't care to hear it," she says coolly, not even looking at me.

She makes her way over to her file cabinet and busies herself with looking through it, leaving me standing there searching for the right words to say. She looks to be in a hurry and I know now is not the right time for a heartfelt speech, so I tentatively say the first thing that comes to mind, "I'm coming back to work tomorrow."

"Okay," is all she says, angrily slamming her file cabinet door closed? She's doing everything to avoid looking at me.

I expected opposition from her. I thought she'd fight me tooth and nail on this, and forbid me from doing it. But she's acting like she doesn't even care. And I know it's my fault.

"I'm just doing it because it's such a busy week. And I'm okay. I've had enough rest."

Casey completely ignores that comment and goes about getting to the stack of paperwork on her desk as if I don't even exist. Even though I know it's my own fault, it still hurts. Badly.

I approach her desk and softly call her name. "Casey…is it all right that I'm back tomorrow?"

Finally, she raises her head and looks directly at me. I see a mixture of hurt and sadness in her green eyes. "What does it matter what I think, Alex? You'll do whatever the hell you want." She lowers her eyes to her paperwork again. "You always do. I'm in a hurry. Please leave. I have to get this finished and go to court."

I can tell just from her attitude how badly she feels, and that makes _me_ feel ten times worse. Casey doesn't deserve to be hurt like this.

"Casey, what McCoy said was awful. I'm so sorry. But you shouldn't have called him an asshole. It _was _out of line."

Casey finally looks at me again, and all I see is anger in her arms. She actually throws her pen down on her desk. "Really, Alex? You're going to blame this on me? You're just as bad as he is! You sat there next to me while he discriminated against us because we're a gay couple! You _let _him do it. When he finished his bigoted speech, all you said was 'It won't happen again, sir.' How could you? You can't possibly think what he said is right! That it's okay for straight couples to kiss and hold hands at public functions, but it's not okay for us because we're two women. Do you agree with that?"

I think she's more angry than upset, and she should be. She's absolutely right; that's exactly what McCoy was saying. And it _isn't _right.

"No, of course I don't agree with that. It's wrong. But I understand why he is asking us to refrain from it. We're professionals, Casey, and we have to remain that way at all times. The kiss at the fundraiser was my fault. I'm sorry."

Casey shakes her head. "No, Alex – you can't disagree with what McCoy said but understand his reasons at the same time. There's no reason good enough to justify it. If it's not unprofessional for a straight couple to kiss and hold hands, then it isn't for us either. And the problem here is that McCoy doesn't like and wants to make things as hard for me as possible. He doesn't even really care that we're a gay couple – maybe some people do and maybe he has caught flack for it, but personally he doesn't care. He just doesn't like _me_."

"You have to stop taking things so personally, Casey! Not everything is about you."

I don't mean it the way it sounds as it comes out. But that doesn't matter, because Casey is taking it the way it sounds. She kind of scoffs and looks back down at her papers. "I'll remember that. Thank you for making me see the light."

I close my eyes and sigh. "I didn't mean it like that. The point I am trying to make is that there are other ways you could have dealt with this. You could file a grievance against McCoy for discrimination, or you – "

"He would fire me," Casey says quickly. "You _know _that."

"Well, you don't seem too concerned about your job to me. Flipping out on your boss and calling him an asshole doesn't sound like the behavior of someone who values their job."

"It was apparent you weren't going to say anything. You may kiss ass to get ahead, Alex, but I don't."

And that's what makes me snap. How dare she say that? "I don't kiss ass, Casey! I just do what my _boss _tells me to do! There is a huge difference! And if you weren't too busy feeling sorry for yourself because McCoy doesn't like you, maybe you could figure that out. The issue here is – "

"You," Casey snaps at me quickly, catching my eye again. "The issue is _you_." I shut up immediately and let her finish. All the anger has faded from her eyes and she looks sad, which makes me hurt even more. "I can't believe what I just witnessed. I thought you were different; I really did. How could you sit there and listen to McCoy talk to me that way, and just stay silent? If he had been reaming you out, I wouldn't have sat there and allowed it to happen. I would have stuck up for you. That's what people who love each other do, no matter how wrong they think the other person is. And how could you let me walk out of there alone? I thought you were going to come with me. Do you have any idea how it felt to walk out of there _alone_? How can you feel good about yourself right now?" Her voice breaks on her last words and I can tell she is trying hard to not break down.

How can I feel good about myself? I don't. I feel like the lowest thing in this office right now. I know Casey is right; she would have defended me. She would have not only stuck up for me, but she would have gotten up and followed me out of his office. I have no doubt about that.

"I am so sorry, Casey. I really am. But I care about my job and McCoy is my boss and I just couldn't react the same way you did. It just killed me to hear him talk to you that way."

It sounds weak, even to my own ears. Am I actually defending myself right now? The woman I love most in this world is hurting and it's my fault, and I'm defending myself? This is not my proudest moment, that's for sure.

Casey shakes her head sadly. "Then what can I say? I guess I know where your priories are." She goes back to writing. "Please leave, I have work to finish and am due in court. Close the door behind you."

I don't feel right about walking away and leaving her like this. I love her so much and she's in pain and I need to make this right. I can't simply turn and walk out of her office.

"Casey…I can't leave you alone. I feel so badly."

"Good," she says, not even looking up. "You _should._ Now leave. Go 'feel badly' somewhere else."

I find myself retreated towards the door. This really isn't a good time. She does have work to do and if McCoy finds me in here when I don't need to be, there will be more trouble for us both. So as much as I don't want to, I force myself to open Casey's door. I hesitate a moment and look back at her. "We'll talk at home tonight, okay?"

"I won't be there. My lease isn't up for two more weeks. I'll be at my apartment." She glances up and catches my eyes, a stern expression on her face. "And don't come over. Just leave me alone."

So I do. I leave her office sadly. I haven't felt his bad in a long time.

* * *

><p>As soon as the cab drops me off at my apartment building, I'm already thinking of ways to make things up to Casey. I can't stand how much I've hurt her. Seeing her almost start to cry in her office completely undid me.<p>

The wound on my stomach hurts a lot right now. Sitting in McCoy's office and in the back of that bumpy cab didn't help it in the least bit. As soon as I'm through the door I go straight to the medicine cabinet and pop a couple Ibuprofens, and then my mind is right back on Casey.

She said she is staying at her apartment tonight. I can't imagine she even has anything left there. She's been gradually moving her things to my apartment the past few weeks. She gave away her furniture and bed. As far as I know the only left there are a few boxes she hasn't brought over yet. Where is she intending to sleep?

As hard as I am focusing on Casey, there is another subject that keeps popping into my mind as well, as much as I don't want it to. The promotion McCoy said I was being considered for. I can't even begin to guess what it could be or if I'd even want it. I'm honored I'm being considered for whatever it is but something in the back of my mind keeps telling me to be cautious, that this might be McCoy's way of trying to drive a wedge between me and Casey.

As if he hasn't done that already. I know I need to deal with him in a more effective way. There are ways of letting him know he is wrong and telling him to back off Casey that doesn't involve stepping out of line the way Casey did.

I sit down on the couch and start evaluating my current situation. I'm going back to my work tomorrow. I need to set aside some time to talk to McCoy and let him know I won't stand for his treatment of Casey. I need to make this right; as I should have done this afternoon.

Casey had said she realized where my priorities are, and sadly I can understand why she would think I am putting my career first. If I was in her position and Casey just sat there while McCoy attacked me, I would think the same thing and I would devastated. My career is important to me, yes, but not nearly as important as Casey. I should have made that clear. I shouldn't have let him push us around that way. What is wrong with me?

There are two lines that have been crossed here - the Career Line and the Relationship Line. Casey crossed the Career Line, and I crossed the Relationship Line. And now the two lines have crossed each other and made my life a living a hell. I'm stuck smack dab in the middle. I have my career that I care about, and my girlfriend that I care about.

Casey is great to me. She's been taking care of me since I've been home, waiting on me hand and foot. Since she started staying at my apartment she's made dinner nearly every night. She's a great cook and she's spoiled me with her homemade lasagna and baked potatoes, among other delicious dishes. Before Casey I always ate salads and takeout. She holds the car door open for me whenever we drive anywhere together, and she's extremely protective of me. She's the _perfect _girlfriend. I really screwed up here.

I remember vividly the day I decided to be Casey's friend. I had grown tired of all the talk behind her back about her and took a stand - literally. The memory is so clear, like it just occurred yesterday.

"_Look who just walked in," John says, nodding toward the service counter. _

_I turn around in my chair and see Casey Novak standing in line. She sees us at the table and smiles hesitantly, but doesn't say anything._

"_Oh goody. I hope she doesn't come over here and try to sit with us. Her stupidity may be contagious," Scott replies, and he and John laugh like it's the most hilarious thing in the world._

_That's the trouble with going out to lunch with colleagues – all they do is gossip about each other. John and Scott are the worst. They're new to the lawyer circuit in the city and I've been nice enough to take in lunch with them everyday this week, showing them the ropes and telling them what judges to be careful around and giving them the dirt on fellow attorneys. But it seems to me they would rather talk about the faults of others than absorb anything I am trying to teach them._

_And I am tired of everyone picking on Casey. It's ridiculous. Everyone talks behind her back, whispering things about her that I'm sure she hears. McCoy asks me if she's doing anything wrong on average of about five times a day. And even Olivia bad mouths her._

_I'm the first to admit that I was beyond angry she was hired back. I've been cruel to her and I'm also guilty of engaging in some of the talk behind her back. But as I've worked with her these past couple of months, I've realized it really needs to stop. Casey is not so bad. She's always willing to help me and do more than her share of the work, she's smart and she's friendly. She acts as if she doesn't know what everyone is saying about her…even though I know she actually __**does**__._

_Everyone is acting like abusive third graders, treating Casey like she's the new kid in school. Have they forgotten she was Special Victims ADA for four years? _

_I watch as Casey gets a sandwich and drink from the counter and then makes her way over to an empty table nearby and sits down. She doesn't even look our way again. It's commonplace for colleagues to eat together. Usually if I'm alone and I see someone from the DA's office or the courthouse, I'll just go sit down and join in the conversation. Seeing Casey sitting alone actually makes me feel sad._

"_At least she's smart enough to know not to come over here," Scott says, laughing again. "Maybe a stranger will feel sorry for her and sit with her."_

_For some reason, that comment enrages me. I shoot Scott one of serious look and say sternly, "Maybe someone should try being her friend."_

_Scott and John glance at each other, obviously surprised by my sudden change in attitude. Then Scott looks down at his sandwich and says, "No thanks. She's something I try to avoid…just like stepping on dog shit on the sidewalk." _

_John busts out laughing at Scott's insensitive comment, and that's when I get up from the table. I shoot them both a look and remove my purse from the back of my chair and pick up my tray. "What a lovely pair of humanitarians you guys are."_

_Then I turn my back on them and head for Casey's table. I can hear them whispering and laughing as I walk away, but I don't care. I don't wish to participate in their cruelty anymore._

_As I approach Casey's table, I'm a little nervous. I don't warm up to people easily, and Casey and I have had our share of words exchanged these past couple of months. But she needs a friend. And despite the fact that I hated her the first week I was assigned to be her supervisor, I've actually grown to like her a lot. I can extend a hand of friendship here for someone who needs it. _

_I stop next to an empty chair at Casey's table, and she finally notices me. She gives me a puzzled look and I plaster on a smile. "Hi. Do you mind if I sit down?" She seems surprised, but motions for me to sit down anyway. I put my tray down first and then sit in the chair across from her. "How has your day been?"_

"_Okay," she answers quickly, still seemingly confused as to why I would want to eat lunch with her. "How has yours been?"_

"_The same."_

_We sit in silence for a few minutes. I don't know what to say to her, and she doesn't know what to say to me. I think she knows I only came over here because I felt sorry for her. _

_And pity isn't good groundwork for a friendship._

_And then it suddenly hits me – I know exactly what to say to her; something she needs to hear. She needs to know she's not the only person to have a made a mistake. She should know no one is perfect…even me._

"_You know, I was held in contempt before," I blurt out as I finish chewing a bite of my sandwich._

_My comment gets the desired results from Casey. She's looking at me in surprise, genuinely interested in what I have to say. "Really?"_

_I nod. "Yes, really. Judge Petrovsky put me there. She wanted me to bring charges against someone who I didn't think deserved it. I mouthed off, we locked horns….to make a long story short, I ended up in jail."_

"_Oh my God, it was Petrovsky?" Casey starts laughing, her whole demeanor instantly changing. "I'm surprised you ever got out."_

"_Donnelly had to get me out of it. I was pretty mad. Steaming, actually."_

_Casey laughs again, and then shakes her head. "You're lying. There's no way __**you **__would ever be held in contempt. I don't believe it."_

_I meet her eyes and hold her gaze. "It's true. Ask Olivia; she'll tell you. She had way too much fun with me about it after it happened. She thought it was the funniest thing ever. I, on the other, failed to see the humor in it."_

_Casey is definitely getting a kick out of this story. She hasn't stopped smiling since I started telling it. "Wow. How come I never knew that? You're Alex Cabot; it seems like everyone would still be talking about the day __**you**__ went to jail."_

_I smile back at her. "You answered your own question right there – I'm Alex Cabot. They don't __**dare **__talk about it."_

_Casey is impressed by this new knowledge. She nods in approval. "I have to say, you just went up on my cool list. Like a whole notch."_

"_You have a 'cool list'?" I ask in amusement._

"_Only in my head. You're way high on it now."_

_She's really easy to talk to. Usually I'm uncomfortable talking like this with someone I don't know. Granted we aren't strangers, but we don't really know each other either. Our conversations are usually kept to the office or hallways and always about work. We never talk personal stuff. In fact, I don't know anything about Casey except what I've heard from others. But she seems like a nice enough girl, and someone I __**would**__ like to get to know. _

"_Did you tell me that story to make me feel better?" Casey asks suddenly. "Because you know what everyone says about me?"_

_There's no use denying it. It might make her feel worse if I do so, so I tell her the truth. "Actually, yes. I wanted you to know I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. More than just that one. I'll tell you the rest some other time. Did it work? Did it make you feel better?"_

_Casey smiles again. "Yes. Thank you."_

_I'm about to say something else when my cell phone beeps. I fish it out of my purse, and find a text from Olivia waiting for me. She wants me to stop by the precinct immediately._

"_I'm sorry; I have to get going," I tell Casey apologetically as I wrap up the rest of my sandwich and sling my purse over my shoulder. "It was nice talking to you. We'll grab lunch again sometime."_

_Casey says goodbye and I'm about three steps away from the table when a thought occurs to me. I've extended the hand of friendship to Casey…why not keep it extended? _

"_Casey," I call out, getting her attention again. "What are you doing after work tonight?"_

"_I just have a date with my DVR. That's it," she answers quickly._

"_Well, Olivia and I are going out. There's this little bar we like to go to. They have really good hot wings and a karaoke stage. We sit there and watch people making fools of themselves. Doesn't sound like much fun, but we have a blast. Would you like to come with us tonight?"_

_Casey seems very happy about the invite. She smiles a real smile and says, "I would love that."_

_I return the smile. "Great. Text me your address and we'll come pick you up around seven." _

We had become instant friends that day. She went out with Olivia and I and we had a great time. She had us cracking up immediately and we tried to set up outings for the three of us at least once a week. I had no idea that nearly a year later Olivia would be out of the picture and she'd be my girlfriend.

If she still is.

Finally, I can't stand sitting and mentally scolding myself anymore. I grab my phone and send Casey a text message, _I love you. Please come home tonight. I'm sorry._

My text message is still unanswered two hours later but it's nearly forgotten as climb into a cab again and head to the local electronics store. I have been meaning to buy Casey a new laptop for a long time and now seems as good a time as ever to do it. She'll be so surprised, and maybe it will help her feel better.

As I get to the computer section of the store I head immediately for the Sony Vaio laptops. I have one and Casey always comments on how much she likes it. Mine is glossy white and sleek and Casey likes that its appearance is similar to a Mac.

"Can I help you?" someone asks from my left, and I turn around to see a store employee with a nametag reading 'Aaron' approaching me. He notices I'm checking out the Sony's. "I see you've found the Sony Vaios. These are some of our best laptops. What specs are you looking for?"

I'm not extremely tech-savvy like Casey. She would be able to rattle off a bunch of specs to Aaron and actually know what she's talking about. The only thing I know about laptops is how to use them, that they have a short battery life and what version of Windows I have. I couldn't tell you anything more.

"To tell you the truth, I'm not real computer smart. I'm shopping for my girlfriend. Her laptop that was running Windows XP just died and she needs a new one. I currently have a new Sony and she just loves it. So that's what I'm looking at."

Aaron nods in understanding. He probably has a lot of customers like me. And we're probably all a pain a deal with. "Windows XP? Ouch. The laptop did your girlfriend a favor by dying. What does she use her laptop for mainly? I can help you select one."

"Mostly for work. We both work for the DA's office. She types up a lot of documents and uses the internet a lot." I scan the selection of Sonys again. I don't see any white ones, which is what I had wanted. "What colors do these come in? Mine is white and she loves the looks of it."

"Most of them come in black or silver," Aaron says, checking out the sales tag on a silver one to our left. "These one here just came in two weeks ago. It's the best one we have right now. It's a regular laptop, but features a touch screen as well. The screen is LED. It has a Blu-Ray drive and the fastest processor available. That's good for gaming and watching movies."

"She doesn't really do either of things on her computer. Do you have any in white?"

I'm sounding difficult, I know, but I want to get Casey something she is going to like. I don't know if she would like a touch screen. I know that I wouldn't be too excited about it. Seems like you'd be wiping fingerprints of your screen constantly. And what the heck is an LED screen?

Aaron goes down the line of Sonys, checking the tags on each. He's being very patient with me, which I'm thankful for. "Unfortunately, we don't have any of these in white. The only model we have that has a white available is the C-Series, and it's over lesser quality than the rest. We would have to special order that specific color for you."

I frown. I don't want to wait for a special order, and I don't want to get Casey a low quality computer.

"Do you have mind made up that you want a Sony? I can show you some other brands we have. A lot of our HP and Dell models have a variety of colors to choose from. Some even have pink and blue."

I can't imagine seeing Casey use a pink laptop. She'd kill me if I ever got her something like that. Or blue. She'd probably beat me to death with it. It would be a justifiable homicide.

"I really did have my mind set on a Sony." I step forward and start checking out the silver one with the touch screen he just showed me. The screen is paper thin and the colors are very vivid, and when I touch it to make a selection on the screen I am surprised that it barely leaves a visible mark. It _is _actually nice. The screen is very responsive.

"That comes pre-loaded with Microsoft Office so it will have a full word processing and spreadsheet program. I'm sure that's a feature she would want, considering her job."

Those are both programs I currently use and I'm sure Casey does too. This is a nice laptop; and the silver isn't so bad. It's better than black. Casey wouldn't like black. Her dead laptop is black. She always tells me it's ugly and generic. So I think silver is the option to choose here.

After I check out all the features, my eyes fall on the price. One-thousand seven hundred. About the same price as mine. Pricey, but it seems to be a solid machine and Casey is more than worth it.

I just hope she never finds out how much it cost.

I tell Aaron I'll take one in silver, and as he goes to get me one from the stock room I wait by the register and take my phone out again. I'm disappointed to see Casey still hasn't responded to my text. I compose another short message to her - _Please come home after work. I have a surprise for you. And we need to talk_.

Hopefully this gift will at least put a smile on Casey's face, even if I can't right now. 

* * *

><p>I don't hear from Casey by nine PM, so I take a huge chance and go to her apartment. I'm fully aware she told me to leave her alone - but I can't. I love her and she's hurting.<p>

I show my ADA badge to the doorman and he lets me go up without hassle. It's been so long since I've seen him that he probably thought Casey and I broke up. Come to think of it, Casey has been to her apartment in weeks. He had probably thought she moved out until she came home tonight.

I stand in the elevator holding the box containing Casey's laptop by the handle nervously. As soon as she sees it she will know what it is. The words "Sony Vaio" scrolled across all sides kind of give it away. But I didn't want to open it and put it another box in case she doesn't like it and I have to return it.

All too soon I find myself standing in front of Casey's door. A full minute goes by before I work up the courage to knock. She doesn't answer right away and at first I think that maybe she's still at work but then I hear footsteps heading towards the door and suddenly she opens it.

She's been crying. Very recently. I can tell right away. Her eyes are red and puffy and I can still see the moisture shining on her cheeks. I feel my heart drop to my feet. It hurts me so badly to see her like this.

Despite her emotional state, she's looking at me angrily. "I told you not to come over, Alex. What do you want?"

"To talk to you. We need to talk about what happened, Casey."

"We already did," Casey snaps angrily, and then her eyes fall on the box I'm holding. "What's that?"

I put a smile on my face and hold it out to her. "I got it for you. I know you needed a new one. I hope you like it."

Casey stares at the box and then back at me in disbelief. "You came over here to give me a new laptop? That's your apology for hurting me so badly? _Buying _me an expensive gift?"

She's furious. This was a bad idea. I sit the box down by my feet and attempt to calm her down. "That's not my apology, Casey; I've been meaning to get you one for awhile now. I came here to give you my apology, yes, but that's not it." I look past her into the apartment. "Can I come inside so we can talk?"

She shakes her head. "No. I want you to leave. I told you I wanted to be alone. Take the computer and go. I don't want it."

She starts to shut the door, but I step forward and wedge my foot between the door and the door frame to stop her. She looks surprised. "Alex - just go!"

I shake my head at her. "No. Not until you hear me out."

"I already heard you out. You already said how you feel." She starts to shut the door again. "Go home, Alex."

I can't let her do this. If that door closes between us, it will cause irreparable harm to our relationship. And I can't let that happen; I can't _bear _to let that happen. I move towards the door again and this time catch it with my hand. I can't quite hold it so I raise my left arm and try and take hold with that hand as well, but my cast gets in the way and somehow Casey manages to close the door on it. Pain immediately shoots up that arm and I cry out.

Casey pulls the door open quickly, a look of horror on her face. She sees me holding my arm right above the cast and reaches out to touch it. "Alex! I am so sorry! I didn't do that on purpose! Are you okay?"

Despite the pain I'm feeling, I manage a smile. Just the fact that she's concerned about hurting me shows me that she still loves me.

Casey's expression softens and she sighs in resignation. "I guess you have to come in now." She steps aside so I can enter. "Come on."

I pick the computer box back up and walk into her apartment. Her _empty _apartment. There is literally nothing here, just as I suspected. No furniture, no television, nothing on the walls…what the heck has she been doing here? Sitting on the floor?

I spin around to face her and she reads the question in my eyes. "Yeah, I know there's nothing here. Everything is given away or at your apartment. But my journal is still here with some of my personal stuff. I've just been writing in my journal."

Writing about me and what I did to her, I'm sure. And that makes me sad. But writing is a good outlet, and if that makes her feel better then I'm all for it. I wonder why Casey doesn't have her journal at my place yet. Does she not trust me? Does she think I'm going to read it? I would never do such a thing.

"Where were you planning on sleeping?" I ask, meeting her eyes for the first time since I got here.

"I got a hotel room. I was actually headed there shortly."

Casey doesn't need to be sleeping in a hotel room alone tonight. She needs to be at home in our bed with _me_.

"You don't need to sleep in a hotel. You need to come home. I know I hurt you, Casey, and I'm sorry, but running away is not the answer. You can pretend to hate me all you want, but I saw the concern in your eyes when you shut the door on my arm."

Casey sighs and turns away from me. She walks to the middle of the living room and sits right down on the floor. I would actually laugh if this wasn't such a serious time. I'm not sure what to do, so I set the box down and stand beside her. "I don't think sitting on the floor would be too good on my stomach, so I'm going to stand here if you don't mind."

Casey looks up at me. Her expression is no longer angry, but soft and sad. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you. And I wasn't 'pretending' to hate you. But I am upset with you. I'm hurt. You hurt me deeply, Alex. You really did."

I bite the bullet and force myself to sit down next to Casey. I cringe a bit at the pain it causes my stomach, but I can't just stand there and stare at Casey. I need to be sitting next to her.

I take a huge chance and hold her hand and to my relief she lets me. "Casey, I am so sorry about that. Words can't express it enough. Even though you did step over the line with McCoy, he certainly had no right to attack you the way he did. And I had no right to sit there and let him do it. As much as my job matters to me, you matter more. I handled what happened very poorly. I was your colleague sitting there…and not your girlfriend. And for that I sincerely apologize."

It's a moment before Casey responds. She's staring straight ahead, running her thumb over the back of my hand. "Remember when I told you I was giving you one more chance, and that if you hurt me again we were over?"

I'm immediately flooded with panic. My heart actually plunges. Did I just blow my last chance? Somehow I manage to utter, "Yes, I remember."

Slowly she turns and looks at me, meeting my eyes. "I wish I had the willpower to stick by that; but I don't. You did hurt me, Alex, but I can't let you go. I love you and I know you love me too. I know I was out of line when I called McCoy an asshole. I shouldn't have said it. I should have handled it via different means, as you suggested. But you know me…I kind of have a big mouth. He was wrong, Alex, and I'm not backing down on that stance, but I admit I was wrong and I put you in a horrible position. And when you came to my office we should have sat down and talked things out. I'm sorry for the way I reacted. But this week has been stressful, I'm irritable, and McCoy's words were still stinging. But that's no excuse; I'm so sorry." After a moment she adds, "I was wrong, and so were you. We have to share the blame on this one."

I agree with her. I think the guilt is pretty even here. Maybe a little more on me, but still almost right down the middle. And the fact that she's not breaking up with me right now speaks volumes. She's forgives me.

We spend a few minutes staring into each other's eyes until we're both smiling. And then I say, "I'm sorry too, Casey. And what McCoy said _isn't _true. You did not deserve that attack. I'm sorry you had to hear that."

I should tell her about the mystery promotion….but somehow it doesn't seem the right time. I don't want to keep it from her but it may be more appropriate to wait until I find out what it actually is and if I want it. I already know if it means sacrificing my relationship with Casey I'll turn it down immediately.

"Yeah he was pretty harsh," Casey concurs, looking away from me again. I think she's embarrassed. "I have always known he doesn't like me…but to know _that _is how he actually feels; I felt pretty low."

I immediately put my arm around her shoulder. I wish I had sat on the other side of her; it's awkward to have to have my wrist cast resting on her back, but she doesn't seem to mind. "Well, he's the only one who feels that way. _The only one. _Ignore him. And rest assured that first thing tomorrow morning I will be in his office letting him know I won't stand for his treatment of you. I'll make this right. I promise."

Casey rests her head against my shoulder and sighs. "Don't dig a hole for yourself, Alex. And I'm not sure you should return to work yet."

"I will be fine," I assure her. "And I promise I won't dig a hole - I'm not you, after all." That gets a giggle out of Casey and that makes me smile. I start to play with her hair. "You up for getting out of this empty place? Grab your journal and we'll go home."

Casey lifts her head off me and looks at me with a thoughtful expression. "I have a better idea - I already paid for that hotel room."

We both have a sly smile creep across our faces at the same time. Casey jumps up quickly and holds her hand down to me, pulling me to my feet. She places a kiss on my cheek and whispers, "I have a bag I was going to take with me. I'll grab it and we'll go. Stand here and stay sexy." She eyes the computer box sitting on the floor by the door as she walks by it and adds, "Oh, and Alex? Grab the laptop - I really do want it."

* * *

><p>"I love you so much," I say softly, leaning over Casey and stroking her forehead. She smiles up at me lovingly. "I'm so sorry I made you doubt that."<p>

"I love you too, Alex," she whispers sweetly, reaching up and smoothing my hair back. "I never doubted your love. I was just upset."

At this very moment, there's no place I'd rather be than where I am right now. Lying in this hotel bed with Casey, our hair still damp from our shower and completely naked. Casey is lying on her back and I'm leaning over her, very much enjoying the sight from above.

I can't stop touching her. I don't _want _to stop touching her. I love this woman so much that my heart actually aches. She's so forgiving and always more concerned about me than about herself. How could I ever want anything more?

We stay in our current position gazing into each other's eyes until I can find the appropriate words to adequately express to Casey how precious she is to me. "You're the best thing I have in my life, Casey. When you were angry with me, it hurt so much. I don't ever want to feel that kind of pain again. I promise I won't ever do another thing to hurt you. I won't ever sit idly by and let someone berate the love of my life ever again. I was so wrong, Casey, and I'm so sorry. I know I already apologized, but I need to say it again. I just love you so much. Having you in my life is what keeps me going. I don't know what I would do without you." I stop momentarily stop stroking her hair and opt to take her hand instead, and I kiss the back of it gently. "I'm making you the most sincere promise I've ever made – I'm yours, and you're mine and nothing will ever change that. Not McCoy, not the job…nothing. I'm going to be proud to be Casey Novak's girlfriend every day from this moment on, and I don't care if anyone has an objection. I love you and that's all that matters to me."

Casey's eyes fill with tears and she starts to say something, but is too overcome with sobbing to form any words.

I immediately bend down and kiss her forehead. "Baby don't cry; please. I didn't want to make you cry." I'm getting choked up myself and I let a single tear roll down my own cheek as I wipe Casey's tears away and smile at her. "You're beautiful. You know that? Beautiful."

When Casey can finally speak again, her voice is laced with emotion. "Alex…what you just said – no one has ever said that to me before with such heartfelt emotion. I could read it on your face that you meant and felt every word and I just can't…"

My heart suddenly flutters – just can't what? Return my feelings anymore? I look down at her crying and wonder if I'm about to have my heart broken again.

But Casey doesn't leave me hanging long. After a deep breath to collect herself, she finishes. "I just can't imagine _why _you would love me so much and I always try to figure it out, but now…now I don't think the reason matters. You _do _love me, and I love you, and this is what we have." Her voice breaks again. "Each other."

Our heartfelt exchange is interrupted by me lowering myself down on top of Casey gently. Our bare stomachs press against each other as I kiss Casey and she kisses me back just as frantically. Her hands wander to my back, and she presses me against herself tightly. When our lips break apart, she rasps into my ear, "Touch me inappropriately."

I have to pull back and look at her, our tender moment ended by my sudden laughter. I can't help myself. Who says that?

Casey is grinning at me as she seeks out my useable hand and guides it to her chest, releasing it just under her breasts. "You don't need permission. I won't prosecute someone as sexy as you."

I let myself feel every inch of Casey's chest, and I close my eyes in pleasure as she does the same to me. We've touched each other like this before, but somehow it's different now. _We're _different.

Casey suddenly pulls me down so I'm lying right on top of her again and starts to kiss her way up my neck. It feels so good I have to suppress a moan. She knows what that does to me. She's still fondling my breasts and I'm enjoying what she's giving me, but I want to give _her _something too. I want to make her _feel _my love the way that I do.

I rest my casted wrist on the pillow beside Casey's head as I make my way south with my other hand. As soon as I slip my hand between her legs, she cries out and tightens her legs around my hand. She wants to receive this just as much as I want to give it.

And I do give it. Over and over. And so does Casey. We lay there intertwined and making lover for what seems like hours, until our hair is matted to our foreheads with sweat and neither of us has an ounce of strength left.

I roll off Casey, lying on my back beside her and desperately trying to catch my breath. My heart is beating at a million miles per hour. I don't think I'll ever come down from this; I don't think I'll ever want to. This has been the most incredible night of my life. Casey gave me love tonight like I didn't think even existed anymore. It felt like something straight out of a graphic sex novel.

Casey rests her head on my sweat-laden chest, her rapid breathing mimicking my own and I immediately place my hand on her back and start rubbing. It glides easily over her equally as sweaty skin.

"Alex…that was wonderful. I've never felt anything like that before. God, I love you so much. Thank you for sharing this with me. Thank you for loving me."

I smile even though she can't see it from her resting place on my chest. "You make it sound like I'm doing you a favor. It was just as good for me. You're the most incredible person in the world, Casey. I'm going to tell you that every day, because it's true and you deserve to hear it. You deserve nothing but love and happiness and that's what I'm going to provide for you. And I'll show you love every night and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Because you're my Casey." I kiss the top of her head. "And I'm your Alex."

Casey snuggles deeper into my chest. Her breathing has finally evened out and she's completely relaxed. "I'll always be your Casey."

We don't speak again. Casey falls asleep and I lie awake enjoying the feel of her head on my chest and continuing to rub her back. It feels so good to have her so close to me. I don't ever want to let her go. Olivia used to hold me like this all the time. It used to make me feel so secure and loved when I'd feel her rubbing my back and kissing me occasionally.

It's funny; this day started out to be one of the most horrible days ever, but ended as one of the best nights of my life.

**So...what do you think? Do you like? And do you think the blame really WAS 50/50 here? Stay tuned...in the next chapter Alex finds out about her promotion. Any predictions as to what it is? And how it will affect Alex and Casey's relationship? And I keep getting asked this question so I will keep answering - yes, Olivia IS coming back****  
><strong>


	22. Chapter 22

**A quick update this week! Hope you all enjoy this one :) As usual, thanks for reading/reviewing! You guys rock!**

My girlfriend wakes me up in the sweetest way possible. My eyes flutter open to find her staring down at me with her beautiful green eyes, her red hair falling over her naked shoulders and stroking my forehead gently. "Wake up, sleeping beauty. It's time to get up."

I let out a groan and myself into a sitting position. My surroundings are unfamiliar and it takes me a few minutes to remember that we spent the night in a hotel room. My eyes seek out the alarm clock on the nightstand next to the bed and I'm shocked to find it's nearly six-thirty.

"Casey! We were supposed to get up at six! Did we forget to set the alarm?" I ask in near-panic as I get out of bed and try to remember where my clothes are.

Casey lies on her stomach on the bed, watching me. "Relax. I set it. I hit the snooze a few times because I was enjoying watching you sleep."

I look at her in confusion. The alarm went off and I didn't hear it? That has never happened! "How did I not hear it?"

She smiles a very cocky smile. "Our extracurricular activities last night were very exhausting."

I find my clothes in a pile on the floor in front of the shower - right next to Casey's. It's too late to even consider a shower - I still have to go home and change into work clothes - so instead I hurriedly yank on my jeans and blouse from the day before. Once I've finished my business in the bathroom, I emerge and am surprised to see Casey still lying on her stomach on the bed. She has the TV on and doesn't seem the least bit phased by it being so late.

I stand in front of the bed pointing at the TV and staring at my girlfriend in disbelief. "Uh, Casey…you'd better get dressed. We have to go home and get ready for work. I'm working today, remember? And so are you."

Casey just nods and keeps her eyes on the morning news as I retrieve her clothes from the bathroom and drop them on the bed beside her. I figure this will be a big enough hint to get her going, but she doesn't move.

"Casey! Seriously!" When my words don't rouse any response from her, I plaster a devilish smile on my face and bend over, giving her bare butt a smack. It surprises Casey and she sits up in shock as my smile grows wider. "Move your pretty butt. I don't want to be late. And neither do you."

Casey is grinning now and nods towards the nightstand. "Give me my phone, will you?"

"Get up and get it yourself; we need to get moving," I tell her sternly, but of course I grab it and toss it on the bed next to her.

I wander back into the bathroom and run my fingers through my hair, trying to untangle it some before I go home and assault it with a brush. It's my first day back; I don't need a bad hair day.

I expect to find Casey up and getting dressed when I once again emerge from the bathroom, but she's sitting crossed-legged in the middle of the bed now, texting on her phone frantically.

My mouth literally drops open. "Casey! If you don't get moving, I'm leaving without you and you will have to take your own cab home. Or go to work like that. It's your choice." A few seconds go back in which she doesn't look up but continues to text. I sigh. "Who the heck are you texting, anyway? What could be so important that you have to sit here texting instead of getting ready for work?"

She suddenly looks up at me, a sweet mischievous smile upon her face. At that very moment, my phone vibrates and beeps on the nightstand. I immediately pick it up and find a text message from Casey. _Best night of my life last night. I love you, always - Your Casey_

That sweet simple little message instantly takes away my apprehension about the day. My mind wanders back to the previous night, and the beautiful love making between my girlfriend and myself. Not only was it beautiful, but it was wonderful and perfect at the same time. Just like Casey.

I don't text Casey back. Instead I drop down on the bed next to her and pull her close to me, kissing her almost as passionately as last night and only cutting it short when I remember we have a little issue of time happening right now. When I break away from her I find myself looking into her green eyes and I tell her, "I love you too. You're the most wonderful thing this world has ever produced."

That makes Casey laugh and puts another smile on my face. I love it when Casey laughs. Her whole face lights up and her eyes smile. She brushes my blonde hair back from my forehead and traces her thumb over the stitches on my forehead. "Very nice pickup line, Cabot. But you don't _need_ a pickup line. I'm already yours."

She traces my stitches again. "This is healing nicely. I think you'll live." She picks up my arm and examines the cast on my wrist. "Does this still hurt?"

"No. It itches badly now, though. It only hurts when I overuse my arm."

She nods in acceptance of my answer and places her hand on my stomach. She can't feel the stitches there through the fabric of my blouse, but I can tell she's trying to. "Does this hurt at all anymore? Did it hurt you last night?"

I know what she's trying to ask me without actually coming out and asking me - she wants to know if she hurt me during our marathon love making.

My stomach is a little sore this morning from overuse, but I would never tell Casey that. It's not her fault anyway. "No; of course not. It hurts when I sit for a long time or accidentally bump it, but it's okay, Casey, really." I pick up her hand and squeeze it. "Don't worry yourself over me." I look Casey up and down and can't hide the smile that's creeping back on my face. "Now _please _get dressed. You're really torturing me sitting there like that. Put some clothes on before I violate you again."

That spurs Casey into action. She gets off the bed and starts to dress slowly. I'm sure it's intentional to torture me. She gives me a sideways glance and says, "I would have no objection to that, Counselor."

Why can't it be Saturday already?

* * *

><p>As soon as we get to work, I head to McCoy's office - only to told by his secretary that he's in California until Monday.<p>

"What is he doing in California?" I demand, outraged that he would leave on the close of such a busy business week. He has been giving Casey hell all week about getting her caseload done and decides to begin his weekend early in California while Casey is stuck here working, and I come back early from my medical leave? The nerve of that man.

"I'm not sure Miss Cabot, but I can clear some time on his calendar for Monday morning if you'd like to speak to him?" the secretary asks.

"That would be acceptable," I tell her. "First thing in the morning, if possible. This is urgent and can't wait."

I stand there and watch her actually pen my name onto his schedule for nine-thirty Monday morning. That's when I'll be standing in front of McCoy's desk and letting him know I won't stand for his treatment of my girlfriend anymore. As I should have done in the first place.

* * *

><p>I've been thinking about my future. <em>Seriously <em>thinking about my future. I've always been one to look forward and make sure I'm staying on the path I've chosen for myself. I keep myself in line and make sure I don't stray, even a little.

Maybe it's this mystery promotion hanging over my head that has thinking about it so heavily. I'm wondering what it could possibly be and how it's going to fit in to my future - if it even will.

And then there's Casey. I see her in my future. I see myself being with her for the rest of my life. I know how ridiculous this sounds; we haven't even been together for a year yet. But it's the truth. I just feel it deep inside, that Casey is the one for me. When you know it you know it; and I think I know it.

This has never been me. I've never been one to rush into things. I've always been naturally tentative and weigh the outcome of every choice I'm about to make before I decide anything. Olivia and I dated for two years before we moved in together. Casey and I have been dating less than six months and we already live together.

If I were on the outside looking in at me and Casey's relationship, I'd say it's going way too fast. But I'm not outside looking in; I'm the other partner in the relationship and I love how it's going. I love waking up and going to sleep with Casey. I love how she cooks for me. I love showering with her. I love cuddling on the couch with her and watching her awful horror movies. I've even grown to love that stupid video game of hers.

I don't want this to sound like I'm about to get down on one knee and propose to Casey; no, that's a long ways off. I know neither of us are ready for that yet. But that doesn't stop me from seeing Casey in my future.

But in the back of my mind I know that Casey may not feel the same way. She may not see her future laid out before her the way I see mine. Maybe she doesn't want a long-term commitment. Maybe she doesn't even intend to stay in New York forever the way I plan to. Maybe she wants something more than I am willing to give to her.

Children are a big part of many people's futures. And me and thirty-five and Casey at thirty-three, they are still a possibly for us both. But I have never seen them in _my _future. I love children but have never had any desire to have my own. I'm too dedicated to my career and to my relationship and I'm not one who would want a nanny raising my children for me. Plus in the future I'd like to do a lot of traveling; also which is not compatible with children. But what if Casey wants them? Would I be willing to sacrifice any of my future for what she wants?

I know these are issues we need to discuss; we need to know if we are on the same page. If we intend to be together forever we need to know what the other wants for the future and re-evaluate ourselves after we know.

I decide to drop the future bomb on Casey during lunch. We both grab some free time in the afternoon and go to the little café two blocks away. We sit at out usual outdoor table. It's chilly today; fall is approaching quickly and the temperature reminds me of that fact.

"When do you get the stitches out?" Casey asks me after she takes a long sip of her coffee, referring to the stitches on my forehead.

"Next week," I answer quickly, wanting to shift the focus of our conversation before Casey starts to fuss over me.

Before I can say anything else Casey smiles and says, "I really love the laptop. It's great. I got it all set up a couple hours ago. I don't like you spending money on me…but thank you."

"Of course. You're welcome." I lean forward on the table and play with the wrapper from my smoothie straw. "Casey, there's something we have to discuss."

I see Casey immediately stiffen. Fear briefly flicks in her eyes and I know she's assuming the worst. She swallows and then says, "Of course. What is it?"

I want to tell her about the promotion McCoy has mentioned. As my girlfriend she has a right to know. But what am I supposed to say, exactly? That McCoy told me I'm up for a promotion and have no idea what it is? That the only hint I was given is that Casey may not be good for it? How can I tell her that? If I knew more about what I was being considered for it would make it easier. So I reluctantly agree to put this on the back burner for now. I can't really discuss this aspect of my future if I don't even know what it is.

"What do you see for your future?" I ask Casey, catching her eyes so she can see this is a serious conversation.

But Casey doesn't hold my gaze. She looks away from me, finding something on the tabletop very interesting. "I don't know, Alex. I've told you that I don't see much beyond me being an ADA."

"I don't mean career-wise. I'm talking about your personal future."

Casey looks really uncomfortable, more so than I've ever seen her before. I don't think she has the slightest idea what to say. And in that moment I realize that her future hasn't been hanging over head the way mine has.

"I don't know," she says again, as if that's any kind of answer. "I don't think about stuff like that."

"You _should_," I tell her, and that statement causes her to look at me. I read uncertainty in her eyes. "It's important, Casey. I want you tell me what you want for your future."

Casey sighs. "What do you want me to say, Alex?"

"Whatever the truth is. Tell me what you want."

"_Why_ do you want to know?"

It's my turn to sigh. I guess I'm going to have to open this heavy conversation. "Because I've been thinking about my future. _A lot. _In fact, I can't stop thinking about it. I see you in my future, Casey, and I want to know you feel the same way. I want to know I'm not kidding myself by assuming you feel the same way about me. We need to talk about this, decide what we both want. I'm not the type of person who can go forward blindly for any length of time. I need to know what road I'm on. And since you're my partner this conversation needs to occur with you. I am not trying to put you on the spot, Casey, I just need to know what it is you want for your future. I just want you to be honest with me."

Casey is smiling now. She's trying to hide it, but I pick up on it right away. Knowing that I'm including her in my future plans is giving her a lot of pleasure. But at the same time she still appears uncomfortable. "I don't like conversations like this, Alex. Even though you aren't trying to put me on the spot, you still are. If I say the opposite of what you're thinking, there's no taking it back. If I want something that you don't, or vice versa, then we have to figure out a way to make us both happy."

"Yes," I agree. "We do. But we love each other. I'm bringing this up because it has to be addressed. We have to know what we both want so we _can _figure it out. If you want something I don't, or I want something that you don't, we have to talk about it and figure out a way to make it work so we both get what we want, or if it isn't possible, we agree on the necessary sacrifices. Our relationship matters to me, Casey. A lot. I've shared a lot of firsts with you. I've become this different person; a different person that I love. I invited you to move in with me after less than six months of dating - that should show you how much I love you and what I'm willing to do for you. But Olivia was a cautionary tale for me; I thought I had my future in sight when I was with her. She and I never spoke about it but I always thought it went without saying that we'd be together forever." I pause and choose my words carefully. "But I guess she had something different in mind. But my point is, Casey, that we never talked about it. I never knew Olivia wanted more than what she had with me. That's why you and I have to talk, so we don't fall apart the way Olivia and I did."

I know my words have had an effect on Casey. I can see her relaxing and warming up to the conversation. "I'm going to say the wrong thing, I know it."

I shake my head. "No, you won't. You'll say what's true - what you really want - and it won't be the wrong thing if it's what you want. I'll listen to you and then I'll tell you what I want and we'll talk about it. It's easy, Casey. Just tell me, and be completely honest. Please."

Casey nods in resignation and clears her throat. "This is hard for me, but okay…I love you, Alex. More than I've ever loved anyone. And I have this habit of trusting people too easily and ultimately getting my heart broken, and I know it. Charlie, Darren…I loved them both and both of them broke my heart. I loved them…but not as much as I love you. And like you said, we haven't been together all that long but I can't help the way I feel. I am trusting you completely because even though you have hurt me, I know you will never break my heart. So yes, I see you in my future too. I see myself with you for the rest of my life. I see myself sitting hand in hand with you on the porch of our big house in the country with our big dog lying at our feet. Happy…and together." She stops talking and I see tears shining in her eyes. Good, happy tears, and that makes me smile. "Wow, that sounded…corny. I'm sorry, Alex, that was probably way off the mark. Probably not what you want at all."

I've never considered owning a house - especially not in the country - but right now that scenario sounds like the most perfect thing in the world. It sounds comfortable, happy and secure.

I reach across the table and squeeze Casey's hand. "Not corny at all. It sounds _perfect_. And I'm not putting pressure on you at all. Not asking you to marry me yet or anything, so don't worry." Casey laughs lightly. "I just wanted to know where we both stand, and now that I have an idea, I - "

Out of the blue Casey blurts out, "Do you want kids?"

I'm surprised she's asking but it only proves I really got her thinking…and least she brought up this subject so I don't have.

"To be completely honest, no. I have my career, and I want to travel, but if you do I understand and we could - "

"No," Casey says quickly, leaning back against her chair in relief. "I'm glad you said that. I don't want them either. I've always known I didn't. I know it makes me a bad woman to say that, but it's the truth. But of course if you had said you wanted them I would have considered."

I find myself laughing, not at what Casey said but because I was thinking exactly the same thing as her.

"It's okay, Case; it doesn't make you a bad woman, it looks like we are on the same page here. And now that we have discussed this, we don't have to again any time soon. I just felt it needed to be addressed and it has been, so…let's just enjoy each other, okay? Let's lighten the conversation."

I do feel better - one-hundred percent better, actually. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I know where I'm headed - at least I have a good idea. It's a good feeling.

"Actually, there's another future-related issue I want to discuss with you," Casey says in a near-whisper as she leans over again and takes my hand. "We need to get you a car and you need to meet my parents. One this weekend, one next weekend?"

I smile a huge smile and lean across the table as well until I can reach Casey's lips. I give her a soft kiss and tell her, "Car this weekend, your parents next. I want them to see me without the Frankenstein stitches on my forehead. Agreeable, Counselor, or would you like to amend the deal I'm offering?"

That receives another kiss. "Completely agreeable. You're lucky you're cute, or I wouldn't give into you so easily."

As Casey and I finish our lunch and keep our easy banter going, I realize that this is my life and I love it. Easily conversing with the woman I love and will always love. What could be better?

* * *

><p>Casey has to go to the office on Saturday morning to prep a witness that had to cancel out on her Friday afternoon. We both worked past nine on Friday night playing catch up on backlogged cases. I was in disbelief that my four day absence put Casey behind so much. But she seemed to have an unusual number of cases and I couldn't help but wonder if that was intentional on McCoy's part and meant to overwhelm Casey.<p>

McCoy has a lot of nerve being in California right now. Every time I think about it I get angrier. As his subordinates we had a right to know that our boss was going to be across country for a three-day weekend while Casey and I were left behind to handle everything here. What the heck is he doing there, anyway?

Casey and I plan on car shopping either day or tomorrow. I really hate to take Casey with me; I know what kind of car she will try and pressure me to get. Something crazy and fun. A leopard-spot convertible or something equally as strange.

I pour myself another cup of coffee at the kitchen table and open the newspaper in front of me.

And that's when I see it.

I just read the most horrifying thing ever. It's the stuff nightmares are made of. At least for me.

There's a carnival in town starting tonight. This may seem like a minor thing that's no threat to me, right?

Wrong. Because my girlfriend is Casey Novak. And Casey Novak loves carnivals.

If she's seen the paper, I'm doomed. Completely and utterly doomed. She's going to want to go – with me. The exchange will go something like this; Casey will excitedly tell me there is a carnival. She'll tell me she wants to go with me. I'll tell her no, that I hate carnivals. I hate the noise and food and crowds and cheap rigged games. Casey will then tell me again she wants me to go with her and I will most likely receive her pouty look.

The result of these events will not be good. I'll ultimately end up standing in line for one of those rigged games watching my girlfriend consuming that greasy food I hate and getting a migraine from all the noise. Why? Because I can't resist Casey. I'm wrapped around her finger and she's aware of this and plays this hand every chance she gets.

The only thing I have going for me is that I'm still recovering from the accident and I have a legitimate excuse to not go on any of the rides. And if I don't go on them, Casey won't either.

My fate is revealed to me forty-five minutes later when Casey comes through the door all smiles and says, "Alex, guess what?"

I can tell from her tone that she's about to confirm my worst fear – I'm going to the carnival tonight.

I don't even say anything or look up from the book I'm reading as she comes in and stands right in front of me. She reaches out and uses her fingers to lower my book and I peer up at her from behind my glasses. She's grinning like a child that's just been told they're going to the toy store to get a new toy. And it's absolutely adorable.

"There's a carnival starting tonight. Guess what I want to do?"

I sigh and pretend to be unamused by her cute antics. But I can't stop the smile that's playing at my lips. I try to disguise it by reverting my eyes back to my book, but I'm sure Casey sees it. "I suppose you want to go?"

Casey falls down on the couch beside me, grabbing my arm and hugging it and placing her chin on my shoulder. She's being very careful not to bump the cast on my wrist. "Of course I want to go. With a hot date."

I still don't look at her. I want to act as uninterested as possible. "Okay. Have fun. And let me know who your date is."

I can feel her staring at me. "_You're _taking me, Alex. Put that book down and get ready. I'll go change out of my lawyer clothes into something fun; I suggest you do the same." She releases my arm and gets up off the couch.

"Casey, the carnival doesn't start for hours yet! Why go now?"

"We can walk around and watch them set it up. I always do that. It's so much fun! And they usually have the food booths open before the actual carnival opens," Casey explains to me, as if this is going to magically make me relent.

I finally look at her. Does she have any idea how cute she is? Or how wild she drives me? I'll bet she does. That's why she does this.

"Casey…you know my aversion to carnivals. If you want to go out tonight, there's lots of other stuff we could do. Besides, I can't go on any rides with my healing stomach and broken wrist. What fun would we have?"

But that doesn't deter Casey in the least. "That's okay. We can just walk around, eat, and play games. It will be fun!"

I know I'm on the losing end of this fight but I'm not going to back down on my

opposition, because this is just too much fun to do to Casey. I've already accepted that I'm going to the carnival – but not before I have some fun with my girl.

"Go without me, Case. I'm not in the mood. You'll have fun by yourself."

I put my eyes back on my book, and suddenly Casey grabs it away from me and sets it down on the cushion beside me. Before I can react, she's sitting right on my lap. I don't even have to caution her to be mindful of my stomach; she knows and she's being extra careful. I have to hold back a chuckle as I look at her sitting on my lap staring up at me hopefully. She reaches out and touches my cheek. "I don't want to go by myself. I want to go with you."

I sigh and force myself to look at her. There's that pouty look I knew I was going to receive. God, how can I resist _that_?

"I was hoping to get my car today…_"_

Casey locks her arms around me. "We will go tomorrow. Cars will always be there. The carnival is only for a couple nights." When I still don't act enthused, Casey leans against me and says, "I love my Alex."

End of the fight. I'm completely melted. My opposition is no more. I give her a smile and say, "Okay, I relent. Let's go get ready."

* * *

><p>Four hours after we left our apartment, the carnival is opening. I'm tired from walking around literally all day. We ate lunch at Casey's favorite pizza place and then walked around the venue watching the rides and booths go up. It's killing me to admit this, but I actually had fun. Casey ran her mouth almost the entire time, telling me stories about her dad taking her to the carnival as a kid. I barely got a word in, but that's okay; I love listening to Casey talk.<p>

It's crowded for only having just opened. Music is blaring and excited voices are all around me as Casey and I get our tickets. Casey insists there's at least one ride I'll be able to go on. I shudder to think about what that is.

I'm thankful I wore my light jacket; it's a bit chilly tonight. It's nearly October and the nights aren't as balmy as they used to be. Casey is wearing the most adorable dark denim jean's jacket and she leaves it unbuttoned as we walk.

I have no idea what insane ride Casey is going to subject me to, but as we walk I take Casey's hand. She gives me a squeeze and smiles gratefully, holding on tight. A silence has fallen between us as there's no need for words at the moment.

Until Casey stops abruptly in front of a brightly-lit game booth. Casey gasps and points to a ridiculously oversized pink teddy bear hanging above the booth. "I want that!" She pulls on my arm. "Win that for me, Alex."

I frown at her. "What are you going to do with that huge thing? Besides, these games are fixed. I'll never win."

"That's not the point. The point is it's cute and no one has ever won me anything from a carnival before. Ever." She points at it again. "I want it."

I sigh in resignation. It's a ball toss game, and I know I'll never win. I eyeball the carnie leaning over the booth, trying to lure players to his crooked game. I could probably buy it off him. "How about if I just offer him some money? I'm sure he'd sell it to me."

Casey smacks me in the shoulder, as if she's insulted by what I just suggested. "Alexandra Cabot! You can't _buy _a prize! That's taking the easy way out; and I know _you _never do that."

I look past her at the current players. Two teenagers are taking their turns trying to win oversized stuffed animals as well, and neither appear to be winning. That will be me moments from now.

I open my wallet and take out two one dollar bills. "Okay. Two dollars. That's it."

Casey pouts at me. "Two? That's all I'm worth?"

I fish around for more bills, and come up with six one dollar bills in total. "Okay. _Six_. That's it."

Casey smiles excitedly. "That's better than two!"

When it's my turn to, I hand the carnie the six one dollar bills, which gets me three balls. I shoot a death glare at Casey before I lean over to toss the first ball. She just grins approvingly at me, already considering that bear hers. "You find something funny about this?"

Casey giggles. "I'm just very immature."

I don't come close to the prize range with any of my three balls. It makes me angry; the glass containers they have up for us to toss the balls into are barely bigger than the balls themselves! Of course no one is going to win. I hate these intentionally crooked games. I hate carnivals.

"Aw, that's okay, Alex," Casey says sweetly, taking my hand again and squeezing it. "You tried."

Not hard enough, apparently. It bothers me that I couldn't win that bear for Casey, even though I know it's near impossible. I hate starting something I can't come out on top of. I hate _losing_. Alex Cabot never loses; and in the rare events she does, it _really _pisses her off.

So I decide not to give up. Casey is waiting patiently for me to step away so we can continue on our trek around the grounds, but instead I release her hand and pull my wallet out of my purse again. I find a twenty-dollar bill and I hand it over to the carnie without hesitation.

Casey gasps. "Alex! That's _way _too much!"

But the carnie is grinning ear-to-ear, completely aware he has a fool standing in front of him. I'm handed ten balls and this time I take my time and try to carefully aim at the middle glass containers.

But all my efforts fail. I don't even win a minor prize. I'm really bad at this but I still can't stop. I go to get out more money when Casey places her hand on my arm and says sternly, "Alex, no more money. It's okay that you didn't win; really."

I allow Casey to lead me away from the game booth. I can't erase the frown on my face as I walk next to Casey, holding her hand again. I'm sulking and it's only seconds before Casey picks up on it.

"Aw, Alex, you are too sweet!" Casey gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. "But it's only a game - no big deal."

"But you really wanted that bear…"

"Yes. But I have something even better right here next to me." We stop walking and Casey gazes into my eyes before tightening her grip on my hand and swinging our intertwined hands. "I have my own living cuddly teddy bear. And besides, I knew you couldn't win anyway. I just wanted to see Alex Cabot play something she couldn't win."

My frown in instantly gone and now I'm wearing an amused smile. "Oh! So that was your motive, was it? Maybe I should set up a similar game at home and make you play it and win before you're allowed to touch me again."

We've started walking again, our hands still clasped tightly together. I'm enjoying myself. Legitimately _enjoying _myself. The place is crowded, loud and smells, but none of that matters, because I'm here with my lovely girlfriend. I never thought I'd live to see the day where I actually had fun at a carnival.

"You're impossible, babe," Casey says quickly, and then stops and points to a nearby food booth. "Are you hungry? Let's grab a slice of pizza. I'll buy, since you spent a fortune on that damn game."

Greasy carnival pizza - not exactly my version of a hearty, nutritious meal. But I've come here and I'm having fun, so I might as well go all the way, right?

We take our place in the insanely long line and never once break contact with each other's hands. I notice a few people looking at us, but I ignore them and just beam with pride in being seen with this beautiful, wonderful woman beside me.

"You and Olivia never went to carnivals?" Casey suddenly asks.

"Not really. Olivia and I had a very…casual relationship. We never did anything out of the norm."

It comes out a little more bitterly than I intended, but I realize as the words come out of my mouth that I really do mean it. I always had fun with Olivia but she sure wasn't Casey; she'd never dream of riding a scooter or playing a video game, or take me bowling on a date or to a carnival. We stayed in, went for walks, and out to dinner. We had a very normal habitual relationship. The exact opposite of what I have right now with Casey.

After about five minutes in line, Casey decides the line is too long for her liking and suggests we go get a hot dog at another booth that's less crowded. A hot dog doesn't seem any better to me, but I don't put up any objections and soon we're standing in a shorter line in front of the hot dog booth.

"I appreciate you coming with me," Casey says. "I know you don't like things like this. So I will re-pay you later in sexual favors."

I'm about to reply when the woman in front of us turns around, obviously having heard Casey's words. I can't believe my eyes - it's Lena Petrovsky.

Casey sees her at the same time I do and looks absolutely horrified. Her face is actually turning red in embarrassment at the words she spoke just seconds ago. She quickly loosens her grip on my hand, but I hold on tight and don't allow her to let go. Casey gives me a confused glance, but quickly realizes what I'm trying to do and continues holding on.

I wish McCoy were here right now. He'd be shooting Casey and I death glares, demanding we release each other's hands and act like 'professionals' just because a colleague of ours is standing in front of us. As if Petrovsky doesn't already know we're an item. And besides, I'm through with letting McCoy dictate my relationship with my girlfriend. We're off the clock on our time at a carnival; this isn't a public function. I'll hold my girlfriend's hand as long as I please.

I notice a young boy and girl with Petrovsky and instantly recognize them as her grandchildren. I know the boy to be Logan, but I can't seem to remember the girl's name.

The surprise fades from Petrovsky's face after a few brief minutes and she transforms her face into a forced smile. "Hello, ladies."

Casey is the first to speak. "Good evening, Lena. Enjoying your weekend?" She eyes the children. "I see you have the little ones."

It's clear Casey is only trying to make polite icebreaking conversation, but Petrovsky smiles again anyway. "They wanted to come to the carnival tonight, so I got conned into taking them. What's a grandma for, right?"

Casey chuckles. "Alex is kind of in your place; I made her come too."

"Yes, but I'm having fun," I interject, locking eyes with Casey and smiling proudly. "And I'm enjoying the company." Casey seems surprised that I'm carrying on in front of Petrovsky this way, but at the same time she seems to enjoy it. So I go on, "This isn't my usual activity…but we do a lot for those we love."

Casey blushes again and this time when Petrovsky smiles, it actually looks _real. _She looks first at Casey and then back to me. "That's wonderful; really."

She's about to say something else when it's her turn in line and her grandkids are pulling her toward the booth. She waves us off apologetically and as soon as she's out of earshot, Casey briefly lays her head on my shoulder. "Thank you, Alex. That made me feel like a million bucks."

Then it was all worth it. I'm not at all embarrassed to show my love for Casey anymore. I feel the familiar pang of guilt as I think back to just a few days ago when I gave into McCoy's wishes and let him verbally beat up Casey while I did nothing. I'll _never _do that again. Ever.

I know I have to tread lightly or I'll run out of chances with Casey.

* * *

><p>Casey and I had a very unproductive weekend. After our carnival excursion on Saturday we vowed to spend Sunday at the car dealership and to get some grocery shopping done. Did either happen? No.<p>

We both slept until after eleven on Sunday morning; a new record for me. I actually woke up a little after nine but I couldn't make myself get out of bed. Casey was cuddled up next to me and I was enjoying just being next to her.

After we dragged ourselves out of bed we both put on lounge clothes and spent literally the entirely day lying around. I haven't spent a lazy Sunday in a long time. We never left the apartment. We had a pizza delivered for a late lunch and for dinner Casey made some spaghetti that I had in my food pantry. Our day consisted of lying together on the couch watching sappy stupid movies on Lifetime Movie Network and playing Casey's Wii. I'm completely hooked on Mario Kart now. I was so horrible my first time playing and Casey and I were in hysterics over how bad I was, but it was fun nonetheless. I'm actually looking forward to playing again.

But all good things must come to end, so of course this weekend did. Here it is Monday morning and I still haven't found a car. But since Casey and I go to work at the same time, it hasn't been that much of an issue.

I get to McCoy's office about five minutes before our scheduled meeting and his secretary lets me right into his office. He's on his phone but motions for me to take a seat, which I do. Within seconds he wraps up his conversation and tells me, "Casey is on her way to my office as well."

I feel my heart fall. What is it this time? "Why? Did you summon her?"

McCoy shakes his head. "No. She asked to see me. I don't think you being here will be a problem, but if it is, I'm sure she'll ask you to leave."

I can't imagine what Casey would need to speak to McCoy about; I'm actually nervous. What if she loses her cool again? But I push the worry out of my mind and ask, "May I ask what you were doing in California this past weekend?"

McCoy seems amused by my question. "Just had an important meeting. It was a personal affair."

So it's okay for him to pry into me and Casey's life, but I can't inquire about his? That's balanced.

When Casey comes into the office, she seems surprised to see me. I stand and immediately offer to leave, but Casey just waves me back down and says, "It's okay. You can be present; this won't take long. I'd actually like you to hear this."

I watch as she straightens her collar and clears her throat before stepping in front of McCoy's desk. She doesn't make any attempt to sit down and looks him directly in the eyes, never once wavering in her stance or gaze.

"Mr. McCoy, I wanted to apologize for my unacceptable behavior last week. I was way out of line in what I said you to, and I had no right to fight any order given to me. It was a very stressful week for me and I was short-tempered, but I'm not offering that as an excuse. I'm apologizing to you and I don't expect you to apologize to me, but I would like you to know that I'm not backing down on my belief that you were partially out of line as well by holding Alex and I to different standards than a heterosexual couple. I promise I will never step out of line again, but I also won't stand for bigotry from my boss. I would like respect and like to be treated as everyone else in this office. That means I'm done being your errand girl as well." Casey stops talking and glances at me, trying to gauge my reaction, before continuing. "So, Mr. McCoy, to summarize; I'm sorry for my part in all this. And like I said, I don't expect an apology, but I'd like some kind of acknowledgement that you will make an effort to treat me a little better as well."

I'm watching McCoy closely. What Casey did was really gutsy. I know it took a lot for her to do that. Her words were sincere and not out of line in the least, but he still doesn't seem pleased. In my opinion he should offer up an apology to us both, but I know that will never happen.

McCoy simply nods his head and says, "I appreciate the apology. I think that will be all, Miss Novak. I have an issue I'd like to discuss with Miss Cabot if I could."

I can tell that Casey is a bit disappointed that she didn't get her apology, but she doesn't put up any resistance. She only nods at us both and removes herself from his office as quickly as possible, as not to press her luck.

It's funny; I came in here to say pretty much the same thing Casey just did, but she took the words out of my mouth. And it sounded better coming from her.

"You should apologize to her," I tell McCoy seriously. "You were wrong too."

"That may be, Alex, but she's no longer my concern."

I'm not sure how to take his words. No longer his concern? I feel my heart drop - is he firing Casey? Or transferring her somewhere far away, to complicate things for us even more?

McCoy doesn't wait for me to ask the questions on the tip of my tongue. He leans forward and locks his eyes on me. "I'm taking a job at a consulting firm in California. Believe it or not, I do have aspirations beyond this job, and that job will be a springboard for me. I've tendered my resignation to the Attorney General, effective a week from today."

I allow his words to sink in. Taking another job? He still has two years left in his term - how can he leave in the middle?

"As you're aware, the Attorney General and I have been meeting for some weeks now. We've been going over possible replacements and transition plans."

Everything is starting to come together now. I slowly realize what this means.

"I told you that you were up for a promotion, Alex, and this is it. We'd like you to fill out the remaining two years of my term and at the end of that term, run for the office in your own right. You're the best person we have, and I can't imagine anyone more capable."

My mind is going a million miles per hour. I don't even know what to say. I have wanted this job for as long as I can remember - I have aspirations too and this job will help me get there. I'll be in a position to do more and get more exposure than I ever could as an ADA.

"I know you'll want to think about this, but I need an answer by tomorrow morning. If you accept, we want to start transitioning you over right away." He pauses and then asks, "How do you feel about this offer?"

**So do you guys like this one? I wanted something cute and fluffy for the ladies before the drama sets in. What do you think about their conversation about the future? And what do you think Alex is going to do regarding the job offer - and what will it mean for her and Casey? Please leave me a review! Thank you :)**


	23. Chapter 23

**Wow, over 300 reviews! Thanks a lot everyone for reading/reviewing! Hope you like this update - it's the longest chapter yet - enjoy!**

The first words I can muster are, "What about Casey?" She's my first concern. Being DA means being Casey's boss and that puts us in a completely different category at work. We can get away with dating as colleagues; but not so much if I'm Casey's boss.

McCoy's expression changes. He knows exactly what I'm getting at and he's aware of the fight he's about to be in. "Of course you wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with Casey as her boss - "

I already know this, but hearing McCoy say it is another thing. I hold up my hand to silence him - I don't care to hear any more. I have my answer for him. "I appreciate you offering me this job, but Casey is more important to me than a promotion. I won't take this job if it means giving her up." I stand up and prepare to leave his office. "Thanks for your consideration, but I'll have to decline."

That was difficult to do. I _want _that promotion - more than I've ever wanted anything else. But the want and need to be with Casey overshadows it and suddenly I'm thinking about how awful it would be without her.

I get two steps to the door when McCoy says, "Alex, I would advise you not to turn this job down."

I spin around angrily. I can't believe McCoy is so selfish. He knows I love Casey and would choose her over a job any day. "I'm turning it down because my girlfriend means more to me than my career! Believe me, I never thought I'd hear myself say that about anyone, but that was before Casey. I was a completely different person before Casey. I love her, she means the world to me, and I won't give her up. I don't care if I got asked to be the President, I'd turn that down too. Casey comes first - every time."

McCoy is silent for a moment, digesting the words that should not have come as a surprise to him. Have Casey and I not made our love clear enough to him?

"I do understand how much Casey means to you. And though I'm not fond of her, I do know you have strong feelings for her. So I placed some calls to find out if there is any possibility for a transfer. Brooklyn homicide has an open ADA position; I know the DA there myself. I spoke to him personally and gave Casey my full recommendation. He wants to meet with her, but if she behaves herself and makes a good impression, she can start there on Monday. Which coincides with your first day in my position. So there are options, Alex; you don't have to give up Casey to take this job. And you're the best candidate we have. This job would open so many doors for you; please consider your answer carefully."

I consider what McCoy has just said. Casey transferring would work…but I know I could never ask her to do that. She loves it here, loves our squad and loves our work. Homicide is whole different ball game…and the Brooklyn DA's office is an over forty-five minute drive from our apartment. That's a long commute for someone who works a long day like Casey.

There's another reason I don't want Casey to transfer out, and it's completely selfish - I love having her here. I love getting lunch with her and seeing her periodically throughout the day. She makes me smile when the day has been especially stressful. Do I really want to give that up too?

My mind is telling me to be logical but my heart is screaming Casey's name, so I give into my heart. "I appreciate you giving Casey a good recommendation and I'm sure that must have been difficult for you, but I can't take the job. I'm sorry."

Without waiting for McCoy to say anything else to persuade me to go the other way, I exit his office. As soon as I'm out in the hall, I lean against the wall with my back and think about what I've just done.

I just turned down the biggest promotion of my life. That job could have opened so many doors for me, especially if I won another term in the next election. It would have allowed me to make some changes I feel are critical. I actually feel sick when I think about what I've just done.

Suddenly my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out without even removing myself from the wall. It's a text message from Casey.

_Lunch today after court? I'll meet you in your office. I love you, - Your Casey_

Her message makes me smile and I instantly feel better. I know I made the right choice. Casey means so much to me…I can't give her up for a job. What would I do without her?

I quickly compose a reply, _Sounds good! I'll be done around 2. I love you too, babe. _I hit "Send" and smile as I picture Casey's face when she reads my message. It will make her smile, just as her message did for me.

And that's when I know I can't hide my job offer from her. She's gong to be upset I didn't take it and feel guilty…but she has to know about it.

This should be a fun conversation.

* * *

><p>I'm late getting back from court, which gives Casey and I less than twenty minutes to eat together before she has to be off to her meeting with a defense attorney regarding her current case. I grab Chinese on my way back and we opt to just eat in my office.<p>

Casey is playing on her new laptop while she eats and chitchats to me. "This really is a cool computer. You can do so much with it." She glances up at me briefly after clicking the mouse a few times, then closes the lid on the computer and sets it aside. "Okay. What's with you?"

I've finished with my food so I wad up my napkin and stuff it into the empty take-out container. I'm trying to avoid Casey's gaze so I can put off telling her about what happened today for as long as possible. I know she's not going to like the fact that I turned down the job without talking to her about it first.

"Seriously, Alex…you've been unusually quiet. I know it's always me running my mouth but you usually have something to say back. You've just been sitting here staring at me for ten minutes." A smile creeps across her face. "Either you have something on your mind or I'm insanely attractive and you can't help yourself."

I smile back. "It's the latter."

Casey leans forward and squeezes my knee gently. "I'm sure. But really, what's wrong? Did something happen in court? Are you not feeling well, babe?"

I feel so horrible right now. Here she is overly concerned about me and I'm about to tell her I made a big decision without consulting her. She's going to be so disappointed.

But I can't keep her in suspense any longer; it's not right. So I take a deep breath, lean forward to be closer to Casey, look her in the eyes and say, "Casey, there is something I have to tell you. Something did happen today."

Casey appears nervous. I can actually see her swallow before she says, "You know you can tell me _anything_. What is it?"

The sincerity of that really hits me. I know I really _can _tell her anything.

So I do. "McCoy is taking a job with some consulting firm in California. He starts next Monday. He asked me to serve out the final two years of his term as District Attorney."

Casey doesn't react the way I expect her to. I expect her to be surprised or even jealous, but to my utter shock she simply smiles and says, "Alex, that's fantastic! I am _so _happy for you!" Without warning she gets up and throws her arms around me, hugging me tightly. "There isn't anyone who deserves it more! I am so proud of you!"

I hug Casey back and feel my heart sink. She is getting the wrong idea. She thinks I took the job. Her pride is premature…how am I going to tell her I turned the job down?

Casey finally sits back down, the smile never leaving her face. She grabs a hold of my hand excitedly. "So do you start on Monday? You getting McCoy's office? You know, I've always thought - "

I can't let her go on any longer. She's way too happy about this. _I'm _starting to feel guilty.

"Casey, I turned the job down."

She immediately quiets. She's looking at me as if she's trying to figure out whether or not what I just said is a joke. When she's decided it's not a joke, she asks, "What? Why would you do that?"

The disappointment dripping from her voice breaks my heart. I never wanted to disappoint Casey - ever. And that's exactly what I did. I have to look away from her. I already heard disappointment in her voice, I don't need to see it in her eyes too.

"Realistically I couldn't take it, Casey. It's not the right time."

It's several long seconds of complete silence before Casey says, "And why is that? Because of _me_? Because you can't date one of your ADAs? That's true, Alex, you can't, but there are several things we could do…I could get a different job, or - "

I hadn't wanted to come right out and say that I turned the job down because of our relationship but now that _she's _said it I think we can discuss it openly. "Yes, Casey, that's actually the _only _reason I turned it down. I wanted that job. I'd do anything to have it. But you know what? When I lie the job down side by side with you, all I see is you. You mean more to me than a fancy office or title. I put you first; you're my girlfriend and that's what I'm supposed to do."

I expect happiness and praise from Casey for doing the right thing, but she surprises me again by doing the opposite. She's not happy with what I did at all.

"How could you do that, Alex? You have worked so hard to get this far! Becoming DA would have meant so much for you! I know how ambitious you are and you were just offered a chance to get closer to your dream. You want to be in politics…the DA spot is the perfect stepping-stone. You know that! Don't use our relationship as an excuse; you know there are ways around it. I would have gotten a different job, or figured something else out. I would have made a sacrifice for you so that you could have that job. How could you turn it down without even talking to me? That's not fair to you or me. Using the' us' is a cop-out here, and you know it."

I find myself becoming defensive and not because I have no doubt that Casey would make whatever sacrifice was necessary, but because I'm ashamed of myself for not having this conversation with my girlfriend prior to giving McCoy my answer. The answer would have been the same, but at least Casey would have felt better about it.

"I can't ask you to make any sacrifices for me, Casey. You shouldn't have to. You're here and you love your job and I couldn't ask you to give that up. I _won't _ask you to give it up. I care about you too much to ask you to do that."

"Damn it, Alex, that isn't fair! How could you do this to me? I would have _wanted _to make a sacrifice so you could have what you wanted! That's what relationships are all about…didn't you say that yourself? Getting a different job would not have been the end of the world. I would have done it for you. It's not fair that you went ahead and decided something so big without consulting me. If you care as much about our relationship as you claim, you would have sleeked my input before taking any action on the offer. You can bet if it were me in your place, I would have."

I feel guiltier by the minute. Why is that every time I try and do what I think is the right thing in regards to Casey, it always turns out to be the _wrong _thing?

My defenses are still up and therefore I'm quick-tempered and fast with a response for Casey. "It was my decision to make, Casey, and I've done so. I don't need your approval or disapproval. I didn't even have to tell you about this offer; I did so because I felt it was the right thing. And now all you're doing is criticizing me?"

"I'm criticizing you because you made a dumbass decision!" Casey shouts at me. "Alex…you really didn't think this over. Go back and tell McCoy you've reconsidered, please. I want you to take this job. It would be so good for you."

I don't like where this is going. I don't like feeling guilty, even when I know it's how I deserve to feel. And I don't like realizing I've made a dreadful mistake either. I know Casey is right - there are ways to get around our relationship. The Brooklyn job could have been a possibility. I didn't _have _to turn the job down. I shouldn't have.

But the fact remains that I did…so what can I do now? McCoy has probably already contacted choice number two, whomever that may be.

"It's too late, Casey; I already made my choice." I'm upset and I know if I keep talking I'll say something I regret to my girlfriend, so I signify our lunch is over by standing up and looking at my watch. "I'm sorry to cut this short but our time is up; I know you have a meeting and so do I."

Casey stares hard at me before sighing and grabbing her laptop off my desk. She knows when I'm trying to side-step or derail a conversation, and she never likes it. She sighs heavily as she stands up and heads for my door. "Fine. But this conversation is to be continued - tonight."

I can't wait.

* * *

><p>Casey sends me a text message to let me know she will be working late tonight and will get something to eat in her office so I shouldn't wait for her to have dinner.<p>

So the first thing I do when I get home is heat up last night's leftover tuna casserole. Casey would make fun of me for having leftovers for dinner, but I'm not much of a cook, I feel too tired to wait for anything in the oven, and don't feel like takeout. So casserole it is.

I eat alone at the table. It feels strange without Casey here. Her voice is usually the soundtrack of our dinner. She tells me all about her day in way too much detail and then I'll tell her about mine a little more discreetly. But since she's not here, I opt instead to pick up the newspaper and flip through it while I eat.

When I get to the entertainment section, the movie listings catch my eye. That's what Casey and I could do tonight - I could take her to see a movie. We haven't gone in a long time and there's a new slasher flick that I'm sure she'll enjoy. Plus it will get both our minds off what's going on. I take note of the showtimes and close the newspaper.

Casey gets home a little before eight PM. I'm sitting on the sofa engrossed in a book when she comes in. The wound on my stomach has been bothering me the past couple of hours and I wanted to relax it before I go sit in a movie theater for two hours

"Hey, babe," I greet her with a smile, sitting up and putting the book down. As she approaches I stand and give her a warm hug, kissing the side of her neck. "I'm glad you're finally home! How about a movie tonight?"

My affectionate gestures usually get a cheerful response out of Casey but tonight she basically goes limp in my arms and gently pushes me away. "Maybe. But we really have to talk first."

My heart sinks again. I had forgotten that she told me just hours before that our discussion about me turning down the DA job was to be continued…obviously that continuation is happening right now.

I sit back down and pat the sofa cushion next to me, indicating to Casey to copy my motions. She looks a little nervous and I take her hand to calm her down a little. Why would she be nervous about this conversation? Unless it's about something else…

I plaster a smile on my face and attempt to lighten the mood. "Want to change out of your 'lawyer clothes' before this big talk? Not that you don't look adorable in that suit but maybe you want to be a little more comfortable."

But all Casey says is, "I did something I think is really going to piss you off. In fact, I _know _it's going to piss you off."

I try and remain calm and think of what it could possibly be that I would be angry at Casey about. "Okay. Want to tell me what it is?"

She forces herself to look at me. "I took a job working for the DA's office in Brooklyn. As a homicide ADA."

That's the job McCoy told me about - no doubt. But how did Casey come upon it? There's no way she could have unless she went searching for it. And how could she take it without talking to me?

And then it hits me - I turned down the DA without talking to Casey. So how can I fault her for doing the same thing?

"I believe McCoy told you this position was available? He offered it up as an option for us to stay together when you took over his job?"

So she knows I didn't tell her about it - great. "How did you find out about it?"

"I went to see McCoy. I told him you made a big mistake by not taking that job, and he agreed with me. Then he told me he offered you a solution, and informed me about the job. Even told me he already spoke to the DA there and gave me a recommendation. Imaging my shock at hearing that! We talked for a bit and then I phoned Ryan Ketner - the DA - and spoke briefly to him. He wanted to meet me right after work so that's where I went. We had a rather lengthy meeting and he went over the specifics of the job with me. I'll get my same pay and same hours. He even showed me my office - it's so nice, Alex! I really think I'll like it. It took me about forty-seven minutes to drive there, but that isn't really that bad."

She sounds optimistic, but I'm still not sure. "So you took the job? For sure? What if I still don't want to take the DA job? Would you still want to take it?"

Casey looks at me hard, studying my expression before answering. "I _know_ you want to take that job, Alex. Now you can and we can continue to date. Call McCoy right now; it isn't too late. He told me you have until tomorrow morning to change your mind. We were both sure I could convince you."

I don't like this. I don't like that my girlfriend felt obligated to take a job with people she doesn't know and has to commute nearly an hour to work. I don't like that me doing something to further my career is costing her so much.

"You shouldn't have taken that job, Casey. I don't want you to."

Casey frowns. "Why not? I liked Ryan Ketner and he seemed to like me. He isn't a jackass like McCoy. I told you it's the same hours and pay; I'm not losing anything, Alex. Something new might be good for me. I'll be working with a different squad, different ADAs. You know how things are around here for me. Maybe this will give me a chance to start over with a clean slate. Change isn't always bad. I'm actually looking forward to it."

All I can think about right now are the negatives, and I know that isn't right, but I can't help it. "You'll have to get up so much earlier for work…it will take you longer to get home. We can't have lunch any more together. And it's homicide, Casey. Homicide is much different than sex crimes. Are you going to be okay with that?"

Casey smiles reassuringly at me, pleased that I seem to be considering her choice. "Yes. I'm sure I can handle it. To be completely honest, before I took the job with sex crimes I had actually _wanted _homicide. And driving doesn't bother me. You know I'm always careful." She gives my hand a squeeze. "But this means I can't drive you any more after this week, so we need to get you a car or you will be taking a cab to work…or my scooter."

I find myself smiling at that suggestion. I can just picture myself driving that ridiculous thing. I'd probably crash it the first time I took it out and then I'd have to buy Casey a new one.

"Come on, Alex…be excited about this! I am! I'm getting a new job with a new set of people to make hate me, and you're going to be the hot bitch in charge around here."

When she puts it like that, how can I not smile? As much as I try to stop it, the smile makes its way across my face and Casey sees it. "Damn it, Casey," I scold her. "I really want to be mad at you right now!"

"But you're _not_," Casey points out. "Because you know I'm right."

She may not be right, but I do find myself warming up to the idea. Casey does genuinely seem excited about the new job in Brooklyn…and I'm suddenly thinking about what I could do as DA. Or 'hot bitch in charge', as Casey put it.

I groan out loud and let go of Casey's hand. "The truth is that I do want to take the DA job. I just wish it didn't mean you had to give up something. I'm sorry."

Casey picks my hand back up and forces me to look at her. "Alex, listen to me, and listen good. Remember our conversation a few days ago about our futures? You had asked me what I wanted, and then you told me what you wanted. You made it clear to me that you would make any necessary sacrifices to give me what I wanted if it differed from what you wanted at all. And you are right - that's what people in relationships do. What they also do is take charge when their partner has made a big mistake. That's what I did today. You are so deserving of that job, Alex, and I knew the only reason you turned it down was because of me. Do you know how that felt? So I didn't think twice about making a sacrifice for you - because that is what you had done when you turned the job down. I was just returning the favor. You need that promotion and I need a new start, so here we both get what we need and want. And what's better - we get to continue seeing each other."

That is so sweet and considerate. Casey did this all for me. She took time out of her busy day and talked to McCoy - whom she can barely stand to look at, let alone have a meeting with - and she drove all the way to Brooklyn after her busy day. How can I not appreciate such a sweet gesture?

I sigh again. "Casey….why are you so sweet and wonderful?"

Casey shrugs nonchalantly. "I guess you're just blessed to have me as your girlfriend."

I know she's joking, but I _am _blessed. More than she or anyone else could ever know. I slide closer to her on the sofa and put my arms around her again. This time she hugs me back. "I am blessed. I love you, Casey. Thank you so much."

Casey pats me on the back and as we break apart she gives me a quick kiss. "You're welcome. I'll take that as acceptance to McCoy's offer?"

"Before I call him, I want you to promise me something. If, after a good try, you discover that homicide or Brooklyn isn't for you, you'll let me know right away? You tell me and we can figure something out. I don't want you working a job you are miserable at. You promise?"

Casey nods. "Yes. I promise I would tell you right away. You have my word, Alex."

Hearing her say those words puts my mind at ease. She made a promise, and I know she will keep it.

"Okay. Then I'll call McCoy and tell him I accept. But I still don't like you being so far away. You know what that means, don't you?"

"No. What?"

"It means _I _have to get up earlier too." I try to make myself sound annoyed, but it isn't really working.

Casey frowns. "Why would you have to get up earlier?"

I laugh at loud, which causes Casey's frown to deepen. How cute! "Well, I have to eat breakfast with my girlfriend. I couldn't start the day without that. And, who else would make me breakfast? Myself? Unheard of."

Casey is smiling again. "Ah…I see how you are. It's not really my company you enjoy in the morning, it's the fact that I spoil you by cooking for you. Nice, Alex. You're a user."

I gently tickle her side, which causes her to block me with her hands, stifling a giggle. "Don't even start! This is supposed to be a serious conversation." She points at my cell phone sitting on the coffee table in front of us. Then she rattles off a string of orders, "Pick up the phone. Call McCoy. Accept the job. Hang up. Go to the movies with me. Pay for my ticket and snacks. Come home. Show me how much you love me. Play. Sleep."

I start chuckling again. "Wow…you've become bossy. But I'll do everything you just said." I raise my eyebrows seductively. "The last couple of orders especially sound fun."

Casey hands me my phone without another word and watches me intently while I call McCoy. A million emotions are pulsing through me at once - excitement, fear, anxiety. This is exciting but terrifying at the same time.

McCoy answers after the second ring, and I mince no words. "Hey Jack, it's Alex Cabot. Please discard our earlier conversation. I accept the job as DA and I'm ready to take office on Monday."

* * *

><p>Casey's mother doesn't like me. We've been at the Novak's house for less than two hours but I knew at the thirty minute mark that Amy Novak doesn't approve of me.<p>

It's amazing how much Casey looks like her mother - she's tall like her and they both have the same soft red hair and green eyes. But that's where the similarities end. Casey is open and very friendly, and her mother seems more cautious and judgmental.

Casey and I are sitting on the overly-soft sofa in the Novak's living room, her mother and father sitting on the loveseat across the room. We're holding hands and Casey is chattering away excitedly about my promotion and her new job in Brooklyn. I haven't said a word on the subject. I'm just sitting there supportively, rubbing the back of Casey's hand and smiling to cover up my anxiousness. I'm very uncomfortable in this kind of setting and I hope none of them pick up on it.

Casey's father, Ken, immediately smiles at me when Casey finally stops talking long enough to take a breath. Unlike his wife, he has an aura of warmth about him. I can't help but notice he's an attractive man; blonde perfectly tousled hair, brown eyes and wire-rimmed glasses. Casey looks nothing like him.

"That sounds like a great opportunity for you, Alex," Ken says, meeting my eyes. "Congratulations."

I appreciate his kind sentiment, and I finally make myself speak. "Thank you, Mr. Novak. I'm very honored to have been asked." I squeeze Casey's hand and look at her. "Of course I wouldn't have taken it if it wasn't for your wonderful daughter here."

Before Casey has a chance to start speaking again, her mother jumps in with her opinion. "It does sound like a wonderful job for you, it's just a shame that Casey had to give up so much in order for you to take it."

It's one of those rare moments that I'm rendered speechless. I have absolutely no idea how to respond to this. It's clear from Amy's words and the way she's looking at me that she is neither impressed nor pleased with me.

Thankfully Casey jumps to my rescue. "Mom…Alex didn't ask me to give up anything. I was the one who took the initiative and took the job, and as I told you, I'm very excited about starting it. I wanted Alex to have her promotion. She deserves it. She and I are in love and sometimes in love you make sacrifices…but I don't consider what I did to be a sacrifice at all. I did need a change and maybe this job will prove to be perfect for me. It may be the best thing that ever happened to me, besides Alex of course."

I feel it's my turn to say something. I just can't ignore Amy's words and let Casey defend me while I sit here mutely. So I quickly compose words in my mind and when I'm satisfied with them, I look at Amy and say, "I understand your concern. It does seem that Casey gave up a lot for me. But I do want you to know that when I originally turned the job down, it was for Casey. I was willing to give up the best opportunity of my life to stay in a relationship with her. Because I love her more than anyone else on this planet. But Casey loves me just as much, and that's why she wouldn't let me pass the promotion up. We found a way to make it work. And believe me, if I had any doubts that Casey could handle being a homicide ADA in Brooklyn, I would not have let her take the job. But Casey can do it. Casey can do anything. She's smart and she's hard-working and outspoken and I think she'll not only handle the job, but will excel at it too."

Casey smiles at me sweetly and I expect some sort of positive comment on the heartfelt speech I just made, but instead Amy says, "I do agree, Alex. Casey is very smart. And she's also extremely loyal and loving. But you two seem very different. From what Casey has told me, you have very high aspirations that Casey doesn't share. And you come from a very prominent family, whereas Casey has a very modest background."

As hard as I'm trying not to, I'm getting irritated. I know it's not my place to talk back to Casey's mother - a woman I have just met - but I simply cannot stay silent on this. How dare she talk so negatively about our relationship, when she just met me? She doesn't know me. She only knows what Casey has told her about me. And if she is insinuating that I feel I'm too good for Casey, she has another thing coming.

"Casey and I are different, yes, but the best relationships are between those who contrast each other. Casey has opened my eyes to so many new things. I play video games now, I've gone bowling several times, I ride on the back of her scooter…I even went to a carnival with her last weekend. I don't do these things only because Casey likes them. I do these things because I love doing them _with _Casey. She's so much fun and never fails to make me laugh. Before I was with Casey, I was pretty stuffy and I'd never stray from ordinary. Now with Casey, I embrace it. She's truly made me a different person. I'm very sorry you don't feel we're compatible, but I politely differ with you on that opinion. And while it's true I do have different future goals than Casey, I do know that Casey will be there with me for everything in life. Whatever I choose to do, whatever she chooses to do, the other will always be there. That will never change."

That finally pretty much shuts Amy up. She nods in approval of what I've just said and Ken starts talking about his former job as a contractor. He worked at the same company for over thirty years and while they never experienced wealth, he provided a very good home and life for his daughter and his wife. I'm impressed, and I respect him a lot.

After our initial getting-to-know you session, Casey decides she wants to show me her childhood bedroom. She leads me up the carpeted stairs by the hand and we pause in front of a closed door. She turns to me with a grin. "Don't expect much - there's no canopy bed like at your parent's place. I never had one. And my parents didn't really keep my room the way it was like yours did; they converted it to a guest bedroom. But it's where I pretty much lived as kid, so you should like it all the same."

The first thing I notice when we go inside is how small it is compared to my childhood bedroom. There are two windows on the far wall with curtains that match the paint, an oak dresser against the left wall, an old-style TV on a stand and a twin-size bed with a floral bedspread.

Casey sits down on the bed and pulls me down beside her. She's smiling and runs her thumb over the faint scar on my forehead. "There, you met my parents without your 'Frankenstein stitches'. I'm sorry about my mom."

"Yeah, that was pretty brutal," I confess. "I felt sympathy for everyone I've ever prosecuted. Your mom gave me a pretty strong interrogation."

Casey sighs. "I'm sorry. I really didn't know she was going to do that. I'll talk to her. It's not really you, Alex, it's just that my mom is weary about anyone I get involved with. Because of my track record with love. I haven't exactly been lucky, you know."

I grab Casey and pull her against me, keeping my arm around her. "Until now. You're lucky now. You found someone who truly loves you. You're an incredible woman, Casey Novak. Hearing your father talk about his job as a contractor was amazing. His job was so hard and he worked everyday for his family. I know where your work ethic comes from now. That's great. And your mother just loves you, Casey. It's good that she's looking out for you. I can endure a little criticism, really."

Casey giggles and pulls away from me. "Really? You _can_? Let's test that." She picks up my hand and runs her finger over the cumbersome cast on my wrist. "I hate this cast. I can't wait till you get it off. And I don't like that shirt you're wearing. It makes you look old."

I gape in shock and look down at the blue flowery blouse I chose to wear today. I've worn this before and Casey has never said anything. It's one of my favorites. Casey is crazy; no way it makes me look old! "This does not make me look old! It's one of my favorite blouses. I wore it for you."

"Mmmmhh, take it off for me then," Casey says quickly, suddenly tickling my side and causing me to erupt in a fit of laughter. She knows this is my weakness. I'm trying to push her hands away with my elbow, but that only makes her go at me more. She moves from my side and slides her hand under my shirt, tickling the bare flesh underneath. "Come on, Alexandra, take off that ugly shirt."

I'm laughing so hard I can barely get any words out, but I do manage, "Don't call me that! Casey - stop it! Stop it! Stop…" My attempts to be serious are upstaged by my continuous laughter. Casey is smiling and clearly enjoying this power she has over me.

And then suddenly, someone clears their throat from the doorway. Casey and I immediately straighten up, and I'm horrified to look up and see Amy standing in front of the open door. She's looking at us with disapproval and clutching some sort of leather-bound book in her hands.

"Mom!" Casey says, not able to stifle a laugh. "Sorry. We got carried away."

"I see that," Amy says, keeping her eyes on Casey like I'm not even there. She clears her throat again and holds out the book to Casey. "I thought maybe Alex would like to see some photos of you as a child." She finally steals a glance at me as Casey takes the album from her.

I sit there awkwardly as Amy excuses herself and closes the door as she leaves. Then I let out a sigh of relief - at least she didn't feel the need to make any further negative comments.

"Talk about awkward! My mom hasn't caught me in a situation like that since I was a teenager!" Casey says with a relief.

I smile and grab the photo album from Casey. "Never mind that - I want to see these photos!"

Casey makes a grab for it, but I hold it away from her. "Alex - no! You _don't _want to see those. Give it back and I'll get rid of it."

My grin grows bigger as Casey makes another desperate grab for the album. "No, no. You saw my embarrassing photos. Now I get to see yours. And besides, didn't you threaten to burn all your photos so this situation would never happen? You didn't make good on that threat."

"Yeah, because when I threw that album into the bonfire it spit it back out because the photos are so ugly and horrible."

I chuckle at Casey and place the album on my lap, opening it. This receives a groan from my girlfriend. "Come on, Alex. Put it away. You'll turn to stone if you look."

I glance up long enough to catch Casey's eyes. "Relax. It can't be _that _bad. After all, you're still ugly and horrible, so I won't be seeing anything I don't already see every day."

Casey finally accepts her fate and slides closer to me, sitting right next to me so our knees are touching. She takes the album from me and places it half on her lap and half on mine. "Fine. But I get to be the narrator."

This ought to be good.

The first set of photos are baby pictures. Casey was a bald baby, so of course I laugh at her and point out the fact that I had a full set hair when I was born. I told her that is one point for me, zero for her. There are several baby pictures, but to brutally honest, Casey looked just like every other baby on the planet. I'm not a big baby fan. She was cute…as cute as any baby could be, I guess.

When she gets to the photos of herself as a toddler, my first thought is that they're adorable. Her red hair was curly and in one picture she's wearing a cute blue dress…she looks just like a doll.

"Aw, you were so cute! What the heck do you mean these are ugly?" I point to the blue dress photo. "That is the cutest thing I have ever seen!'

Casey rolls her eyes. "Wait till the photos where I'm older. You'll break up with me."

She turns several pages at once, and then stops at photos from a birthday party. She gets a nostalgic smile on her face and begins telling me about it. It was her tenth birthday and her parents had a party for her at the zoo. Casey explains how she was really into animals and it was the best birthday she ever had because she got to have a boa constrictor placed around her neck. I shiver as she's telling me about it, but she excitedly shows me the picture.

"It was great - I especially loved reptiles at that age." The photo shows birthday girl Casey smiling hugely while a giant snake that could kill her in an instant is around her neck. What the heck kind of ten year old smiles at _that_?

My Casey, that's who.

Next she shows me photos of her in her Girl Scouts uniform, and I decide that _those _photos are the cutest things I've ever seen. Casey seems so proud of herself in the last photo in the set where she's displaying her earned badges. It would just figure Casey was a Girl Scout. I'll bet she was great at it.

It takes us over an hour to go through the whole album. I see photos of everything - Casey's first car, her dog that passed away when she was sixteen, her first Prom date. And despite the warning that was issued, I don't break up with Casey. I loved every photo I saw.

As soon as Casey closes the album, I capture her lips with mine in a reassuring kiss. "None of those were horrible or ugly. None of them. You were adorable, just like you still are."

Casey smiles and seems a little embarrassed by that. "I know I didn't have as much to show you…I wasn't on a debate team or anything…but what you saw was basically my childhood."

I move the album off Casey's lap and kiss her again. "They were _perfect_. Just like everything else about you."

I feel like I know so much more about Casey now. I'm really glad I decided to come here today.

* * *

><p>The next morning I wake up to an empty bed. It had been a long sleepless night. It's been so long since I've slept in a twin bed, and sharing it with someone is no picnic. Casey and I sleep attached to each other anyway, but in a twin bed we nearly had to sleep on top of each other. And I was the unfortunate one that got used as a pillow for the entire night.<p>

I change into the jeans and the casual baby blue t-shirt I packed in my bag, and make my way to the upstairs bathroom to make myself presentable. Once my hair has been tamed and my breath is minty fresh, I head downstairs in search of my redhead.

I'm almost to the kitchen when I hear low voices - Casey and Amy talking. As soon as I hear my name, I stop dead in my tracks and press myself up against the wall so I can listen and not be seen.

I don't like to eavesdrop and given any other situation, I wouldn't. But I'm aware that Amy doesn't like me and I want to know what she's saying to Casey.

"I love Alex, mom. More than I've ever loved anyone else. I trust her."

"She's a lovely woman, Casey, I just want you to be careful. If she loved this other woman as much as you say she did and for as long as she did, it's going to be hard to let go of that."

"Are you saying I'm just a rebound for her?" Casey demands, her voice suddenly angry.

"No. I'm just telling you to be careful. She already hurt you once, Casey. Her reputation is obviously very important to her. She comes from a prominent family. I just don't want to see you get hurt again. You trust too easily. I know Alex is a very beautiful woman, but – "

"Yes, Alex _is_ beautiful, but that isn't why I love her! I love her because she's the sweetest most caring person I have ever known. She has a good heart. Any issues we have had, we've worked through them. And yes she can come across as icy, but that's her persona, mom. She's wonderful. And Alex would never hurt me the way Darren or Charlie did. Ever. I trust her completely. She won't break my heart. I promise."

I can't help but let a tear slide down my cheek as Casey says that. It actually makes my heart want to burst. She loves me so much, and I know it. And I love her just as much. She'll never have to break that promise she made to her mother – because I _won't _ever break her heart.

After a moment of silence, Amy says, "I really hope you're right, Casey. I can see how much you love this woman. And I can see she loves you too, but you still have to be cautious. You and Alex are two totally different people. You loved Darren and Charlie too…you trusted them. And both broke your heart."

I hear Casey sigh. "Alex isn't Darren. Or Charlie. And yes, I did love them, but I love Alex so much more. She's all I think about when I'm not with her. I found the one for me, mom, and I wish you were happy for me."

I decide I've heard enough and should make my presence known. I stroll into the kitchen as if I'm none the wiser that they were just talking about me. My eyes immediately go to Casey, who is seated across from her mother at the kitchen table. She's still wearing the oversized t-shirt and shorts she wore to bed. She smiles when she sees me, and I don't hesitate to bend down and greet her with a good morning kiss.

When we break the kiss, I tousle her messy bed-hair. "Attractive look, Casey." My eyes then go to Amy and I offer her a small smile. "Good morning. How did you sleep? It looks like a lovely day outside. Maybe we could all go for a walk."

I'm not usually talkative in the morning. I'm slow to wake up and Casey's cheerful morning chatter always annoys me. But today I decide to go against my normal. After Amy's comments to me yesterday and what I overhead just moments ago, I'm determined to show her how wrong she is about me.

I remember how Casey made breakfast for my family, so I decide to do the same. I'm told that Ken made a grocery run for some breakfast sausage so I busy myself getting everything ready. Luckily making breakfast sausage is within my very limited cooking ability.

Amy tries to make me sit down and take over breakfast, but I don't let her. I'm going to kill this woman with kindness.

* * *

><p>Our afternoon walk is cut short when Casey complains of a bad migraine. She's been working on it all day, but being out in the bright sunlight makes it so much worse so we go back to the house after about thirty minutes of walking.<p>

"This is the worst migraine I've ever had," Casey says, pulling the quilt over her head. "God…just kill me."

My heart goes out to her. I frequently get migraines and they can get so bad that all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. Nothing helps me when I have one - nothing. But maybe there's something I can do for Casey.

I turn the overhead light off and switch on the lamp on the nightstand. Light can make a migraine worse, I know that all too well.

I go to the window and close the blinds. It doesn't block out all the sunlight, but it helps.

I sit down on the edge of the bed and quickly take my shoes off. There's enough light coming through the closed blinds for me to be able to see Casey in her current position as a big lump under the quit. I pull the quilt off her, for which I'm rewarded with a loud groan.

"Just sleep, Casey, I'm here." I pull her close to me until she's resting her head on my chest and I start rubbing her back. "Sleep is the best thing for it. You'll feel better when you wake up."

"Did you turn the lights out?" Casey asks.

"No. You went blind."

"Ha-ha. I'm not in the mood for jokes, Alex." She quiets for a moment and I can feel her breath on my neck. Then she groans again. "God, it feels like someone is stabbing my skull with a knife…this is horrible. Ugh. Just go get a knife and cut my head off."

I actually find myself smiling. Only Casey would say that. I go from rubbing her back to running my fingers through her long silky red hair. "Sorry. You'll have to do that yourself. I can go to the pharmacy and get something for you. The have over the counter medication for migraines. It never works for me, but maybe it will for you. Would you like me to go?"

Casey is quiet and for a brief moment I think she's fallen asleep, until she says, "No…stay with me. Please."

She doesn't have to tell me twice. I lay there holding her for over an hour while she attempts sleep. Her mother comes in to check on her twice. I thought rest would help, but her migraine only gets worse and she starts tossing and turning around until she suddenly sits upright and says, "I'm going to throw up."

She gets up quickly and I'm right on her heels, afraid she's going to stumble and fall over something in her haste. But she reaches the door without any accidents and is out the door and hurrying down the fall faster than I can keep up with her. She makes it in the bathroom and closes the door just as I'm about to push my way in. But she turns around and waves me away before slamming the door almost in my face.

I feel horrible for her. I remember all the times I'd let Olivia follow me into the bathroom whenever I'd get sick and she'd hold my hair back and talk softly to me. It always made me feel better. I wish Casey would let me be there for her in the same way, but I do understand why she would want her privacy.

I stand outside the door and listen to Casey get sick, wishing I could do something else - anything else - to help her.

Several minutes go by and I don't hear Casey anymore but she hasn't come out, so I use this as justification to go in and check on her. I immediately see her standing in front of the sink, clutching the front of it tightly with one hand and holding her head with the other hand. She has her eyes closed and she's breathing heavily.

I feel my heart break. She looks like she feels horrible. I'm at her side in seconds, putting my arm around her and guiding her to sit down on the side of the bathtub. "It's going to be okay, I know you feel horrible, but I'll help you." I stand there massaging her shoulder for a few seconds before I ask, "Do you still feel sick?"

Casey just nods, her eyes still closed, and I move to the sink and wet a washcloth with warm water. I immediately go back to her and encourage her to lean forward. Once she places her elbows on her knees, I lift her hair and place the washcloth on the back of her neck. Then I sit down beside her, snaking my arm around her back and rubbing gently.

It is at that moment I happen to look up at the open door and see Amy looking in at us with concern. I don't know how long she's been there, but I offer her a small smile to let her know Casey is okay and she tentatively smiles back before softly closing the door and leaving us to our privacy.

"You hanging in there, Case? The pain will be over soon. Migraines don't last long." I reach forward and brush her hair away from her face. "You going to get sick again? Or do you feel better?"

This time she shakes her head and after several minutes, her breathing slows down. Slowly she raises her head and looks at me. "I'm okay. I'm not going to throw up again. I want to go back to bed."

I take her back to her bedroom and as I'm helping her get back in bed, Amy appears in the room again. "How are you feeling, Casey?" she asks.

"It's not as bad as it was…I'll be okay. Alex is good medicine."

I smile and I'm about to get back into bed with her when Amy says, "Yes, I can see that. Alex, could I steal you for a moment?" She's standing next to the bed and rubs Casey's arm comfortingly. "I won't keep her long, I promise. I'll have her back to you in a few minutes."

I kiss Casey's forehead and make sure she's settled before I step out into the hall with Amy. I close the door so she can't hear us talking. I have no idea what this conversation is going to be about, but if it's bad, Casey doesn't need to hear it.

But to my surprise, Amy is smiling at me. "Alex…I know I was hard on you yesterday, but what you just did for Casey was beautiful and it really showed how much you love you. Thank you for taking such good care of my daughter."

I smile back and I feel myself filled with relief. "You're welcome. Casey has taken care of me numerous times. When I was very sick a couple months ago and just recently after my accident. I _do _love her. I really do. All I want is what's best for her. I have her best interests in mind at all times, you have my word on that."

Amy seems skeptical about that, but doesn't vocalize it. Instead she sighs and sighs, "Casey has been put through so much heartbreak by people who claimed to love her in the same way you just did. She gives herself away so easily and is so quick to trust that it oftentimes turns out what she believes is love actually isn't. You're aware of Charlie and Darren…Casey was so destroyed after both relationships ended. She went through a period where she thought something was wrong with her, that she was unlovable in some way. And her losing her license for three years did not help her. But she's happy now, Alex. We talk frequently and she always talks about you. She loves you so much. She's convinced you're the one for her. And if you feel the same way about her - _truly _feel the same way about her, if the love is real - then I'm happy for her, for you both. But if it isn't as real and as deep for you as it for Casey or if it ever becomes that way, please don't lead her on. I just ask that you don't break my daughter's heart."

I'm quick with my answer. I don't even have to think about it. "I swear that my life is just as real and true and I will never hurt Casey."

It's an easy promise to make.

**So, do you like? Did Alex and Casey make the right choices? Do you think Casey's job will work out? And do you think Alex made a promise she can't keep to Casey's mother? Review and let me know what you think - I worked hard on this chapter! **


	24. Chapter 24

**As usual, thanks everyone for reading/reviewing! I really enjoy writing this story and knowing people are enjoying it means a lot. Enjoy this chapter!**

Monday morning Casey and I both get up an hour earlier for our first day at our new jobs. It's going to be an adjustment getting up earlier every day but I definitely don't want to lose my mornings with my girlfriend, so I'll do it.

I'm nervous - very nervous. I've been transitioning over to my new job all last week and even have McCoy's old office all set up for me, but I know it's still going to be a challenge. I have a lot more responsibility now, more people to supervise, more meetings…more everything. McCoy gave me a nearly all-day crash course on what to expect on Friday before Casey and I left for her parent's house for the weekend.

But if Casey is nervous at all, she gives no indication of it. As soon as I come out of the bathroom from showering and changing into work clothes, I can smell the aroma of breakfast coming from the kitchen. It puts a smile on my face.

Casey is still wearing her pajamas and turns around to smile at me. "There you are, beautiful. I'm making three-cheese omelets, your favorite, in honor of your first day as Hot Bitch in Charge."

I come up behind Casey and hug her from behind, giving her a kiss on the neck. "Mmmm…sounds _really _good. Turn around and look at me. Do I look presentable for my first day? I haven't fixed my hair up yet, but…what do you think?" I spin around so Casey can see every angle of me and I strike a modeling pose. "How do I look?"

I'm wearing my new navy blue tailored suit. I considered wearing one of my suits with a skirt today, but it's chilly outside today so a pantsuit seemed far more appropriate.

Casey grins, obviously liking what she's looking at. "You look sexy. Very sexy." After she's done checking me out, she looks into my eyes and says, "I approve."

She goes back to tending to her omelets. "What are you going to wear?"

"I figured I'd just go like this. Plaid pajamas are always in style."

Hilarious. My girlfriend is hilarious.

A few moments later Casey and I are seated across from each other at the table enjoying the wonderful breakfast that Casey so lovingly prepared for us both. I really do like three-cheese omelets; except when I make them, of course.

"Alex, I want to thank you for meeting my parent's this weekend," Casey says out of the blue.

"Of course. I _wanted _to meet them. No thank you is necessary, Casey. If we're going to be together I want to get to know your family. I'd like to meet your brother too."

"I'm sorry my mom was so hard on you. I really talked you up to her, but she's so cautious about people I'm with. I've just been burned so many times. She doesn't want to see it happen again. And we got so serious so fast. She's just concerned, but I'm still sorry."

I reach across the table and squeeze Casey's hand. "It's okay, really. I understand. Your mom's concern is understandable. But I'm not like Darren or Charlie; I won't hurt you that way, Casey. Ever."

She smiles and squeezes my hand back. "I know. Thank you. And I'm also sorry for ruining the last day of our weekend by being a whiny big-baby. But you took such good care of me. That really made me feel better."

"Again, a thank you isn't necessary. I know how horrible migraines are. And I loved taking care of you - I don't get to do it often enough. You usually take care of me. I actually enjoyed it. Not you being miserable, of course, but me being able to be your caretaker. And you weren't a whiny big-baby. Not at all."

We eat the rest of our breakfast and chat about what to expect on our first day, and then Casey hops in the shower while I spend way too much time working on my hair. But the time I'm finishing it looks like I just walked out of a salon; I curled it, not completely, but subtlety enough that it looks different than how I normally wear it.

Casey chooses one of her black suits for her first day and despite spending less than half the time I spent on my own hair, Casey walks out of the bathroom looking absolutely beautiful. Her long red hair is wavy and cascading down her shoulders and I have to restrain myself from playing with it and ruining her hard work.

"You look beautiful," I blurt out, touching her shoulder. I catch a faint whiff of her usual perfume. "And you smell beautiful, too. You're going to make a good impression. Maybe even snag a new girlfriend looking like that."

"Yeah, it won't be hard finding someone hotter than you," Casey says sarcastically. She looks down at her suit jacket. "But maybe I should undo a couple buttons and change into a push-up bra to accomplish that goal."

"Don't you dare," I tell her quickly. There's so many things I'd like to do to her right now…but since we have a small issue of time this morning, that's impossible.

Casey and I stand inches from each other, appreciating the closeness we share. She reaches out and gently touches my cheek. "You look beautiful too. No more 'Frankenstein' stitches. And the scar on your forehead is hardly noticeable at all. How is your stomach? Does that hurt at all? I still think they took those stitches out too early…"

"They didn't. I'm fine; the doctor said a little bleeding with stitches removal is normal. It's because of the location. It's not bleeding any more but is still a little tender. But I'll survive, Casey, I promise. And before you ask about my wrist, it's fine too. Still itchy, but I only have a few more weeks with the cast so I'll survive that too."

"Okay. Fair enough. I figured we'd leave a little early and I will drop you off at work before I hop on the highway. That way you only have to take a cab home."

I can't wait to get a car this weekend. Having Casey be my chauffer hasn't been bad, but now that she's working in Brooklyn and I have to rely on cabs, it's not so much fun. I know I could always walk or take Casey's bike but since it's getting colder now that isn't too appealing. So a car it will be for me this weekend.

We're just ready to walk out the door when Casey tells me to check the refrigerator. She says there is a surprise for me on the top shelf.

I find a turned-down brown paper bag with a heart drawn on the front with a black marker. I know what it is immediately; Casey made me lunch! How adorable is that?

I pull the bag out with a smile on my face and I look at Casey questioningly. "You made me lunch? You've never done that before."

Casey shrugs. "It's a special occasion. And I know you have a tendency to skip lunch if I'm not around, so this guarantees you won't. It's leftover lasagna, a small bag of Doritos and Diet Coke. And there's a little note in there for you too. But don't read it until you get to the office."

I don't wait. As soon as I'm inside the lobby and I'm sure Casey has pulled away from the building, I sit down on the nearby bench and open the paper bag. Sure enough I do find the soda, lasagna and chips, but what I'm more interested in is the note Casey left me.

I find it in the bottom of the bag, folded twice. As soon as I unfold it and see Casey's neat handwriting, it puts an immediate smile on my face.

_Alex - Hope you enjoyed your lunch and I hope your first day is going well. Keep in mind that even though I'm not there I'm still thinking about you. And if you're having a tough day, remember that I believe in you. You __**can **__do this. You're the most incredible person in the world. You can do anything, because you're Alex Cabot and I love you. - Love, Your Casey._

I look up from the note with a determined smile on my face. Casey is right - I _can _do this. It's perfectly normal to be nervous. But I believe in myself and what's more _Casey _believes in me.

I'm going to walk in there with my usual confidence and blow them away.

* * *

><p>My day has been awful. Terrible, actually. I expected a lot of stress on my first day, but this is beyond stress.<p>

I'm not completely familiar with my inherited staff so I held an impromptu meeting with them all this morning as an act of good will. I want to stray from my reputation as the 'Ice Queen' but also show that I have a different leadership style than Jack McCoy. The meeting went well; really the only good part of my day.

After that everything went downhill. I had computer problems and Casey wasn't here to fix it for me. I had literally stacks of paperwork from open cases that I had to familiarize myself with. I thought I had a lot of paperwork as an ADA - that was _nothing _compared to this!

I can't forget to mention that a huge part of job is supervising and managing the ADAs who work under me and overseeing their cases. And my most important task - I have to get immediate replacements for Casey and I to work with the SVU squad. I placed some calls to see if there is anyone looking to transfer to sex crimes, but came up empty handed. So I guess I'll be looking through the folder of resumes on my desk.

I did two interviews already today. One was by phone with the New York Post, the other was a quick lunchtime interview with the local news. Everyone has dubbed me the "young, ambitious, fresh new DA" and everyone seems to want a piece of me. I see a message from my secretary that I have three more interview requests for today.

I feel a potentially bad headache creeping up on me, so I pop two Aleve's and take a seat behind my desk, letting out a sigh. It feels good to have a few seconds downtime.

I miss Casey. I know it's silly, but if she were here my day would instantly be better just by seeing her. I wonder how she's doing on her first day. Better than me, I hope. I consider texting her and telling her how my day is going, but I really don't want to make her worry about me. She needs to concentrate on herself right now.

I log on to my computer to check my email. It's working for me right now - miracle of all miracles. But my messages seem to be taking a long time to download.

And in a few seconds I discover why. There's an email from Casey, with a video attachment. I immediately smile and click on the attached video file.

I'm looking at Casey sitting directly in front of her laptop webcam, grinning at me. "Hey, babe! I'm thinking about you and wondering how your day is. I knew I wouldn't catch you on Skype so I decided to record a little tour of my new office for you." There's some noise and I lose sight of Casey as she picks up her laptop. She appears to be carrying it, and suddenly I'm looking at a window. A very _big _window. "Check out this awesome window I have! I have a direct view of it from my desk." She shows herself in front of the camera again. "Better than yours, huh?"

I smile and shake my head as Casey goes all around her office showing me pretty much everything. Her office really is nice; very modern and everything seems to be brand new. And she seems very excited about it.

She sits back down and I can finally see her again. She's staring directly into the webcam again, still smiling. "I'm having a good day and I hope you are too. It really is nice here, Alex; so don't worry about how I'm doing. I'll see you tonight. I love you."

The video ends and I'm still smiling. Even from forty-five minutes away, Casey can still make me feel better.

* * *

><p>It's after seven PM and I'm still at work. I had counted on being done with my first day two hours ago. The staff is already gone home for the day and I let my secretary leave more than an hour ago. No since on keeping her here away from her family just because I'm running behind.<p>

I'm almost done answering my email when I'm startled by my door opening. I actually jump a little but then I quickly relax when I realize who my intruder is - Casey.

She strolls right into my office as if she owns the place. She smiles at me, and then takes a look around, nodding in approval. "I like what you've done here. Less McCoy, more you."

I'm so happy to see her. My whole mood lifted as soon as I laid eyes on her. Suddenly all I want to do is slam my computer closed, grab her by the hand and literally run as far away from here as possible.

But I opt for a more classy reaction instead. I return Casey's smile and say, "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at home? You must be tired from your first day."

Casey comes over and sits on my desk, sneaking a peek at what I'm doing on my computer. "Not really. I had a pretty good day. But I haven't heard from you all day so I'm curious as to how your day has been? And I figured you needed a ride home. Thought I'd come and bug you until you're done."

I keep my eyes on my computer screen when I answer Casey because I'm lying to her and she'll know it if I look at her. "My day was pretty good. I'm almost done."

It takes Casey all of ten seconds to call me out on my lie. "Liar. What happened?"

I hate that she can read me so well. I can't hide anything from her. Of course I don't ever want to, but once in awhile it would be nice if she didn't know exactly how I was feeling.

I sigh and turn and meet her eyes. "It's just been…stressful. But it's nearly over and I survived."

Casey gives me a sympathetic look and bends over to give me a hug. "Aw, I'm sorry, Alex. But first days are always tough. It will be better tomorrow. Anything specific happen? You want to talk about it?"

She stands next to me with her hand on my shoulder and that simple show of concern and support nearly makes me tear up. Her feelings are legitimate and I know it and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I'm good enough to deserve them.

I smile at her again. "No. It's okay, really. I don't really want to discuss it. I just want to finish here and put this day behind me and not talk about it. I want to hear about your great first day and about your new boss. Let's talk about _you _for once."

Casey sits back on my desk. "Talking about me is no fun. I'm nothing special."

"Yes you are," I tell her quickly. "You're special to me. And I want to hear _all _about your day."

Casey tells me about her day as I'm finishing up my work. As always, I find it easy to work with her voice as my soundtrack. She tells me she likes her boss - Brooklyn's DA - and fills me in on her first cases. She said the only thing missing is me. How cute is that?

When Casey's done talking, she shakes her head and tosses her hair over her right shoulder. She brushes it with her fingers and grins at me. "If you hurry up I'll let you play with my hair."

That's the motivation I need to wrap it up on my computer. I quickly finish and start to shut it down as Casey gets up off my desk.

"You know, security is pretty lax here tonight. A rogue ADA from Brooklyn was allowed to barge into my office, talk my ear off, and then tease me with her hair. That's unacceptable," I say with a smile as I tuck my laptop back into its case.

Casey rolls her eyes at me. "You slay me with your humor, Alex. And maybe security would still be here if you didn't drag out your first day until nearly eight o'clock. It's entirely your fault."

I quickly pack my briefcase and retrieve my jacket from the coat rack by my door. Casey is following me closely. "My fault, huh?"

"Yes - your fault." She flips her hair around again and as soon as I go to touch it, she slaps my hand away. "Sorry - your hair privileges have been revoked."

I pout at her and we step out into the hall, locking the door behind me. "You're just a tease. And cruel."

"Yep, I am," Casey answers casually as we start walking.

This feels so good. This is exactly how I need to end my horrible day - with my wonderful girlfriend cheering me up and picking me up from work. How thoughtful and sweet of her.

Before we're even three feet from my door, I grab Casey's hand and squeeze it, forcing her to stop walking. She looks at me questioningly, and I answer by giving her a kiss. When we pull apart I rest my forehead against Casey's and gaze into her eyes. "I love you, you know that? What would I do without you?"

Casey smiles at me and smoothes my hair back. "I love you just as much, and you never have to find out what you'd do without me. I promise you that."

I'm feeling very emotional after my stressful day and Casey's beautiful gesture and I can't stop a tear from sliding down my cheek. Casey sees it and wipes it away with her soft thumb. "Aw, Alex, it's okay. Really."

I can't help myself. I hug her again, crying lightly into her shoulder. Normally I'd be mortified by displaying such emotion, but this is Casey and I need to let it out. I feel my stress literally melting away as I stand in the hall clinging to my girlfriend.

After a sufficient amount of time has gone by, Casey lets go of me and looks me over. "Are you okay, baby? You need to go sit back down?"

I shake my head, finally getting my emotions under control. "No. I'm okay. I'm not upset about anything. Seeing you made me happy. I'm just…happy."

Upon hearing those words, Casey picks up my hand and squeezes it. "Then let's go home and celebrate you being happy. We'll order a pizza and then maybe go for a walk to clear our heads. Sound good?"

Sounds perfect. Anything with Casey is perfect. I don't trust myself to talk without crying again, so I simply nod and we start to walk again, this time hand in hand.

"I had a spider in my office today. It was big and ugly. I almost called you to come kill it."

Casey laughs. "It was probably McCoy in his true form. I always knew he was a bug."

"It wasn't even remotely funny, Casey. I had my secretary come in and kill it."

Casey laughs at me again as we reach the lobby and head outside to the parking garage. "Nice, Alex. The people of Manhattan would love to know that their new tough as nails District Attorney is afraid of little bugs." Casey decides it would be funny to make little spider tracks up my back with her hand. "Watch out Alex, it's a spider!"

I shake her hand off and share her laughter. I love how easy and simple everything is with her. I'm so glad she came to pick me up.

"I hate you," I tell her as we easily locate her car in the near-empty garage. She opens the passenger side door for me and then quickly gets into the driver's side. As soon as she's seated and turns the car on, I add, "And you're not funny."

She grins at me. "Yes I am. And I hate you too, Hot Bitch in Charge."

* * *

><p>The whole week is pretty much like my first day – stressful and horrible. I find replacements for Casey and I by Wednesday and by all outward appearances I seem to have it all together. But it only <em>seems <em>that way.

I've jumped into this job with both feet like I always do and it's taking me awhile to get any traction. Just when I think I'm ahead of the game and I'm completely done with something, an issue comes up causing me to have to start over. I have an open case being handled by one of my hate crimes ADAs that's a complete mess with so many holes in it that from my viewpoint it looks like Swiss cheese. I had a resignation hit my desk today from one of my domestic violence ADAs.

On top of all this, I'm under a lot of pressure to get my virtual office up and running. Thankfully my lack of computer knowledge is not an issue as the office has a hired technical staff and a webmaster. All I've had to do is dictate what I want in my biography and if I want any changes to the website. I've left it as is; it looks fine to me. I'm especially a fan of the interactive menus that allow visitors to look up information on our different units and divisions, as well as phone numbers and office addresses to all Manhattan ADAs. There really is a lot of information out there.

I wonder if Casey has looked at the website since I took office. She'd be proud to see my picture on the top right hand side. I know I am.

The thing I have to master now is posting my statements online. Our webmaster set up what he called an "easy editor" for me to type up my statements regarding cases and convictions – it allows me to change fonts and formatting and it's supposed to be exactly what the name would imply; easy. But it's anything but. My first attempt at using it saw my carefully chosen words about six font sizes too big, causing you to have to scroll across your screen to read them. My second attempt deleted my first attempt and somehow the font came out yellow. I've given up since then and resorted to typing a statement and placing it on my secretary's desk so _she _can post it to the website. She's had much better luck than me.

I've done so many interviews that I've lost count. I've laid out my agenda and discussed the changes I want to make but all everyone seems to care about is that I'm dating a woman and she just transferred to Brooklyn. Suddenly it's the most interesting topic in the world.

I really have a newfound respect for McCoy now. No wonder her was always such a hardass.

It's after seven and I'm more than ready to start my weekend. I should have been out of here two hours ago. Casey texted just before six to let me know she's home and waiting for me. I've been trying to get out of here and home to her since then. I'm ready to put the week's stress behind me for a couple days and relax with my girlfriend. I'm sure she's made something wonderful for dinner.

As I'm quickly packing up my briefcase, the newspaper on the desk catches my eye. Actually, my picture catches my eye. Here it is the end of my first week and I'm still front-page news. This is New York, people – there _has _to be something more exciting than me happening.

I sigh and pick up today's copy of the Post. I wonder what they're saying about this time – maybe they found out about my computer illiteracy. That will keep people talking for at least two weeks.

I sit back down behind my desk and start to skim through the article. I'm only on the second paragraph when I realize my photo is misleading – this _isn't _really an article about me. It's actually about Casey. Or, to be more accurate, my relationship with Casey. They talk about how we starting dating months ago, our kiss at the Governor's fundraiser is mentioned, but the most heavily-covered topic is Casey's new job in Brooklyn.

Pretty much all the facts are there – Casey started her new job the same day I started mine and it pretty much says - in not so many words - that Casey transferred so she could remain my girlfriend. It briefly touches on how Casey is enjoying her new job and excited about being in a new place, but the main theme of the piece is that she's in Brooklyn so her girlfriend could become the newly sworn-in District Attorney

As I read on, I'm shocked to read a statement from Casey. The author of this article obviously spoke to her. She's quoted as saying, "Brooklyn has been good to me so far. And I'm beyond proud of Alex. I'd do anything necessary so we could stay together."

That's it – I've read enough. I'm instantly angry.

How could Casey say that?

I grab my briefcase, turn my office lights out, lock the door behind me, and hurriedly call a cab. I need to get home as soon as possible and have a word with my girlfriend.

I find Casey pretty much where I expected to – sitting on the couch with the Wii controller in her hand and the obnoxious music of the Mario Brothers blasting out way too loudly. As soon as she sees me come in, she pauses the game and gives me a smile.

Normally I'd find this adorable and go sit next to her, greeting her with a hug and a kiss. But today it's not adorable – it's infuriating. Casey has been home for an hour and a half sitting in front of a stupid video game while I've been busy at my office.

Casey immediately picks up on my icy exterior. She actually gets up off the couch, a concerned look written across her face. "I'm glad your home. I figured we could go out to eat tonight; my treat. But you look like you have something on your mind. What's wrong?"

I stare at her for several long seconds, collecting my thoughts and thinking of a way I word this tactfully. But I really don't think there is a way, so I just come out with, "I read the article that ran in the Post today. You didn't tell me they contacted you and asked for a statement."

Casey frowns at me. "Um, yeah…I've had what seems like every newspaper in New York contact me this week. I think being attached to your name brought me some notably. People know we're an item. And you know the papers have been calling my office…what's the big deal, Alex? You're getting harassed more than I am."

"I know you have been, Casey, and I'm sorry, but you have to be careful what kind of statement you give. What you said to the Post – although sweet – wasn't appropriate." She looks like she has no idea what I'm talking about, and that frustrates me even more. "Don't you even remember what you said?"

"No…like I said, I've talked to several reporters. I can't remember specifically what I said to the reporter from the Post. It was a couple days ago. But I didn't say anything bad – what did they print?"

I read it once but it's burned into my memory. "' "Brooklyn has been good to me so far. And I'm beyond proud of Alex. I'd do anything necessary so we could stay together.' That's what you said."

Casey seems to be processing this and still appears confused. "Okay. I seem to remember saying that. Was that not okay?"

Is she serious? She's actually asking me this? How can she be so dense?

I sigh in exasperation and actually through my hands up. "No, Casey, it actually _wasn't _okay! The article basically says you transferred _only _because of our relationship and that statement confirms it."

Casey's confusion is gone and replaced with near-anger herself. "First of all, that's not all I said. I talked about being happy that I got a fresh start in a different place. And yes I did say that our relationship is important to me and the transfer was necessary so you could take the DA job, but Alex, I made it very clear that I _wanted _to do it. We're not a secret, Alex. People know about us. And me transferring under a different DA at the same time you became Manhattan's DA…well, it isn't hard to figure out why. And the reporter said he wanted to run a piece on me. About _my _job and what I wanted to do with my new position. I didn't think this would have a direct impact on you. I didn't think - "

"That's right!" I rush out, cutting Casey off. "You _didn't _think! You didn't think what kind of affect that would have on me. Of course we're not a secret. I don't care that people know we're together, Casey, that's not the point. I've gotten past what people think in that aspect. But what I do care about is how this looks. The way this reads to the public is that I forced you to transfer to a different department, a different city, under completely different leadership so I could further my career. Nowhere in the article did it say you _chose _to go and you may have told the reporter that, but you know reporters, Casey. You know they only print what's juicy. And Manhattan's new District Attorney forcing her girlfriend to seek a job in a different city is juicy."

"But Alex, that isn't true," Casey starts desperately. "So what if people think that? _We_ know the truth."

And that minor comment pushes me further over the edge. This is stress I did not need at the end of my overly stressful first week as DA. I thought I could leave stress behind me for a couple days. Guess I was wrong.

"_I _care, Casey! I know you don't care what people think. That's pretty obvious. But I'm not like you – I actually care. You walk around wearing torn jeans and band shirts and riding a scooter and sitting on your ass playing mindless video games. I dress and act my age, Casey. _I _care."

I have no idea why I just attacked Casey that way. I think the way she dresses is cute and I've grown to like her stupid games as much as she does. But I'm angry and the words just slipped out.

Casey is hurt. The look on her face is devastating. She sadly looks away from me and says, "Alex – I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to cause you any trouble. I know this week has been hard – "

"Hard is an understatement, Casey! I have so many eyes on me right now, so much pressure…you have no idea. I wanted to come home and have a pleasant weekend with my girlfriend. I didn't need to read that in the paper after a long tough week. I actually _work _when I'm at the office. I don't have time to text or record video tours of my office. You may get to play, but I don't."

It takes Casey a minute to respond. She's so hurt I'm afraid she's going to start crying. But instead she says, "I had a tough week, too Alex. I like my job but the adjustment has been hard for me too. But have you even cared about that? All week I've been asking you how it's been going here and was legitimately interested in what you had to say. And how many times have you asked me how _I'm _really doing? I listen to you rant and I tell you all good things about my job because I don't want to drag you down with the things that aren't so good. Because I know you are dealing with a lot. But I don't _play _at work either, Alex. That was a real shitty thing to say."

She's right – it was. Why did I even say it? Granted Casey isn't as busy as me, but she does work hard. She's one of the hardest working ADAs in New York. I'm angry with myself – why am I being so horrible to the person I love?

I know the answer to that – because I'm overstressed, sleep-deprived and irritable. Is that an excuse? No. But it's all I have.

Casey's expression turns into a smile and she tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear in an attempt to melt the ice that's formed around me. "Come on. I want to take you out. We both need a good meal. We've _both _had a tough week."

This is what irritates me about Casey – she does something wrong and then tries to warm me up by being all sweet and innocent. It usually works. But not tonight. I'm not in the mood for her 'cuteness' tonight.

I try not to lash out at her again. "No. I'm not in the mood to go out. I'll heat something up."

Casey catches my arm on my way to the kitchen. "Alex – you need to relax. Let's go out. We'll go for a walk and then we'll come back here and I'll _really _make you feel better." She tickles my shoulder when I don't respond to her. "Alex…" She's using her sing-song voice now, and it's the last thing I need.

I shake her hands off me and spin around angrily, catching her expression of shock. "Just stop, Casey! Stop trying to be cute! You're not cute! You're annoying and I don't want to be around you right now."

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel like the worst human being on this planet. Casey looks crushed and I actually see tears forming in her eyes as she steps away from me. She's finally gotten the hint that I'm better off left alone right now.

Casey clears her throat to try and keep her voice from wavering, but it is anyway. She moves to the coat rack by the door and puts her blue wool jacket one. She barely looks at me as she says, "Fine. I'll leave you alone. I'm going out."

As soon as she's gone I come back into the living and sit on the couch, holding my face in my hands. I want to cry, but I manage to hold it back.

This is not how this was supposed to have happened. I thought I was stronger than this.

One week in and I'm already becoming Jack McCoy.

* * *

><p>When Casey comes home I don't even let her close the door before I'm apologizing profusely to her. I stand next to her as she takes off her jacket and hangs it up, pouring my heart out.<p>

"I am so sorry, Casey. Everything came down on me at once - all the week's stress - and I took it out on you. It wasn't right. I didn't mean anything I said about how you dress or play video games. You know I love that about you. I lashed out at you and it was wrong. I'm sorry."

Casey simply nods at me, a sad and lost look on her face. "It's okay, Alex; really. I understand. Your new job is stressful. I was hurt by what you said, I won't lie, but I do understand. So you don't have to apologize."

But it's not okay - it's not okay at all that I hurt my girlfriend. And she's saying she understands, but the look on her face is telling me something else. She looks so sad that I can't stand it.

"Casey, I'm really - "

Casey holds up her hand to silence me and offers me a smile insincere smile. "I told you it's okay. Stop apologizing."

"It's not okay. And you seem very upset, Casey. I feel so horrible." I take her hand and pull her down on the couch beside me.

Casey tries another smile but never succeeds. She briefly looks away from me. "I am upset, but not about your bout of verbal diarrhea. Well, partly about that…but it's really something else."

I feel my heart lurch. Has something been going on? What could have her so upset? When I came home she was sitting on the couch playing her Wii and she was happy and smiling. Nothing was wrong. Until I opened up my mouth and crushed her. So what _else _could have her upset?

I squeeze her hand. "What is it, Case? You can tell me. Remember - we tell each other _everything_. Did something happen at work?"

Casey locks her eyes on mine and all I see in hers is sadness and it hurts me deeply. Casey is the person on earth who is least deserving of being hurt. I hate seeing her this way. It's heartbreaking.

Casey sighs and then starts talking. "I wasn't going to say anything. I was just going to let it go, because I do know how tough this week was for you and how occupied your mind has been. I didn't want to make you feel badly about it."

"About _what_?"

She sighs again and then says sadly, "Today is my birthday, Alex."

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I honestly feel like someone took all the air out of me. It's her birthday…it's her birthday and I forgot.

I remember thinking about it on Sunday before we left her parent's house. I was thinking of taking her out for dinner and for a midnight walk and then surprising her with a gift when we got home. I was going to make it her best birthday ever.

But instead I made it her worst one. I didn't buy her a gift, I didn't take her out to dinner, and I didn't take her for a walk. I didn't even _remember_. Since I took that oath on Monday morning, all that's been on my mind is my work. I've allowed Casey to take a backseat this week. And I'll never forgive myself for that. It's unacceptable.

I don't even know what to say. There are no appropriate words for this. Right now I feel like someone is squeezing my heart right inside my chest. Once all the blood is gone it's going to shrivel up and drop because I won't need it anymore.

Casey never would have forgotten my birthday. No matter what was going on with her, she _never _would have done that to me. She would never get 'too busy' to remember me or anything having to do with me. If she were an astronaut on a mission to the moon she'd still remember my birthday and find someway to contact me and make it special.

"Casey…oh God, I'm _so _sorry!" I finally say, hating my own words. They're inadequate and wrong and will do nothing to alleviate how Casey feels right now. Or how I feel.

She shakes her head. "I told you it's okay. I understand. I'm a bit hurt, but I'll get over that. Besides, it's just another day, right?"

No, it's not 'just another day'. My girlfriend's birthday is much more than that. She deserves to be pampered by me tonight and instead I've insulted and hurt her. Happy birthday, Casey.

"Casey, I - " I cut myself off and hang my head in shame. "I have no excuse. One doesn't exist. This day was supposed to be special…I am _so sorry_."

"Don't fret over it. When you didn't tell me happy birthday this morning I knew you just had your mind on other things…but a part of me thought that maybe you were doing it purposely, making me think you forgot so you could surprise me later. But obviously…" she trails off, shaking her head again and smiles that artificial smile. "Forget it. It's no big deal. I'm going to shower and go to bed early. I'm pretty tired tonight."

I make a grab for her as she gets up off the couch but when I miss her I let her go. I watch her sadly as she disappears down the hall and into the bathroom. I wonder if she just needed an excuse to get away from me. My heat clenches when I wonder if she's in the bathroom crying right now.

I hate myself so much right now. How could I do this to Casey? How could I have _forgotten _her birthday? She's the person I love most in this world and I didn't say the words 'happy birthday' or even give her a card today. She sat at her office all day thinking that I had a surprise for her tonight. Well, she was right about that one.

She had tried to make me think it was no big deal, but the mere fact that she brought it up at all tells me that she's deeply hurt, as she should be.

Casey had said it was okay that I forgot her birthday. But nothing's okay about it at all.

**Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise! What are your thoughts? Is being occupied with a new job any excuse to forget your girlfriend's birthday? Did Alex overreact to the article in the paper? What do you think will happen next? Please review and tell me what you think! Also, as a side-note, Olivia will be coming back in either the next chapter or the one after it. Just FYI**


	25. Chapter 25

**Let me start off by saying I deeply appreciate all the readers I have and the fact that so many of you take the time to leave a review. I love reading your feedback. You guys rock! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy**

Casey pretty much keeps to herself the rest of the evening. After her shower she goes into our bedroom and sits on the bed on her laptop. I don't let her be in there alone for long.

"Casey, I can't even _begin _to tell you how sorry I am. I feel awful. I love you so much and I forgot your birthday. And then I insulted you. No words can express how terrible I feel."

She again tells me it's "all right," but I don't let it go that easily.

"You should be angry with me, Casey. I _deserve _to have you yell at me. You're being way too nice and understanding with me. I know this has hurt you. I can tell by the way you're acting. Don't pretend you aren't hurt. Stop hiding your feelings from me. Tell me how you really feel; scream at me and tell me I'm the worst girlfriend in the world."

I'm actually begging my girlfriend to be angry with me. This is probably a universal first. But I can't stand it that Casey is letting me off the hook so easily. If our roles were reversed, I'd be so angry at Casey that I'd make her sleep on the couch for a week and I'd give her the silent treatment for a couple days. But Casey? Casey isn't mad. Not even a little. She's _hurt. _And that's worse.

Casey finally looks up from her laptop and manages a small smile. "Stop it, Alex. I'm not going to get angry with you. And you are _not _the worst girlfriend in the world. Far from it. These things happen. I don't know why I even told you; I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you feel badly."

Unbelievable. She's _apologizing_? She doesn't want to make _me _feel badly?

What in the world did I do to deserve this woman? She's almost _too _perfect. It's like I found her outside my door one day with a sign around her neck that read 'From God'.

"You told me because you're hurt about the stupid insensitive thing I did and even though you don't realize it, you wanted me to know you were hurt. God, I'm sorry Casey!"

I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over. And I guess, really, I am. But what else can I say? I am truly sorry and as long as Casey keeps acting as if this is no big deal I'm not going to feel any better. I need her to give me some sort of reaction other than "it's all right."

I suddenly realize that Casey isn't wearing her usual post-shower attire. Usually after her evening shower Casey will get into what she calls her "lounge garb" - basically a pair of her plaid pajama pants and one of her oversized band t-shirts. This is pretty much every night. But tonight she's wearing a pair of khaki capris and a tight-fitting white tee. This is not like Casey at all. But I know why - it's because of what I said about how she dresses.

I love Casey's plaid pants and her band shirts - I even love her torn jeans. Just because it isn't my style doesn't mean Casey shouldn't wear it. It fits her personality. It's who she is.

At least it was, until I opened my mouth and made her feel bad about what she chooses to wear.

You're a real winner, Cabot. Truly.

"Alex, forget it. It's really _okay. _Stop obsessing." Casey looks away from me back to her laptop screen.

But I won't stop obsessing. I _can't. _"Casey…" I sigh, mostly because I don't know what else to say. I approach the bed. "We really need to - "

"Alex," Casey says sharply, her tone startling me. Her eyes are on me again and I stop dead in my tracks. "I would like you to please stop talking about it. You apologized and I accepted your apology." Her eyes go back to her computer. "I really would like some alone time if you don't mind. I need to work on something. We'll talk later, okay?"

I respect her wishes and retreat towards the bedroom door, but not before I tell Casey I love her. She meets my eyes once more and returns the sentiment but hearing her say the words only makes me feel worse.

I know she's hurting pretty badly. Casey _never _wants to be alone. She's such a chatterbox around me and doesn't let me out of her sight for more than ten minutes when we're home. She has to be either sitting next to me touching me in some way or able to see me while she runs her mouth.

God, what did I do?

* * *

><p>I barely sleep at all that night.<p>

Casey actually stays on her side of the bed and makes no attempt to move towards me or touch me in her usual manner. Usually I become her human pillow or she pulls me close to her and wraps her arms around me, but not tonight. Tonight she goes right to sleep without her customary chitchat while I lay there awake and alone, Casey's steady breathing the only sound I hear. I'd do anything to replace it with Casey's voice.

I reflect on everything Casey has done for me since we've been together. She healed my broken heart and has made me laugh more than I thought was possible. I've never been one to laugh much, but I've found I really do have a sense of humor. Maybe it came to when Casey did or maybe she brought it out in me; either way, I'm grateful to have it.

Casey has given me a wonderful perspective on life. I'm less tentative now than I used to be. The pre-Casey Alex would _never _have swam naked in her parent's backyard pool or tooled around on a scooter.

She does way more for me than I do for her, and I know it. Since she's moved in with me, she takes care of all the housework. She vacuums and dusts, cleans the bathroom and mops the tiled floors. She cooks for me. Not because I expect of even want her to; but because _she _wants to. She always gets to it all before I have a chance to, and justifies it by saying I'm way busier than she is. Of course that isn't true, but it's what Casey says.

So what do I do? I _let _Casey do everything for me. I _like _the way she keeps house and cooks for me. And I know this is selfish.

And how do I repay my wonderful girlfriend? I fly off the handle at her, insult the way she dresses and what she likes to do, and I forget her birthday. Casey may not think I'm the worst girlfriend in the world, but I sure do.

By the time Saturday morning finally comes I've had about three hours sleep but I also have an idea playing around in my head. Something nice I can do for Casey, to redeem myself a little for what I did yesterday.

I'm going to take her to the beach. The little beach she took me to at the beginning of summer on her scooter. The beach where we kissed. I'm going to re-create the feelings we shared there. I'm going to sit in the sand and have a heart-to-heart with Casey. Then I'm going to walk hand-in-hand on the shore with her.

And then tonight I'm going to present her with a dozen white roses and actually cook dinner myself. As long as I don't burn the kitchen down.

I get up before Casey and make her breakfast for once. Although I'm not fond of bacon, Casey loves it. So I throw some in the skillet and take down her favorite glass from the cabinet. I check the fridge - thank God we have Mountain Dew. I chuckle to myself - besides Casey, who the heck does soda with breakfast?

Casey wanders into the kitchen before her breakfast is finished. She looks half-asleep and is standing in the middle of the kitchen watching me be "domestic" in amusement.

"Good morning, babe!" I greet cheerfully, going to her and giving her a kiss. I resolve to not apologize again right now or even bring up the events of the previous day. I don't want her getting upset with me again. I want this to be a _good _day.

Casey kisses me back and falls into her usual chair at the table. "Are you actually making me breakfast?"

I flip the bacon over in the skillet and nod. "Yes. And I haven't burnt myself or caught the apartment on fire yet, so I'd say I'm doing a great job."

"I'm impressed."

As soon as Casey says that I decide the bacon is done and I make up a plate for Casey. I give her three pieces and leave room for the eggs I'm going to prepare next.

"How do you want your eggs today?" I ask as I spin around to face Casey.

Her amusement has grown. "No eggs. Just the bacon is fine. I'm actually scared to have you make me eggs."

I take the plate of bacon to Casey and then fill up her glass with ice. I grab a can of Mountain Dew from the fridge and sit that down in front of her as well. "Your beverage, my love."

Casey looks down at her bacon in approval. "It looks wonderful. What are you having?"

"I'll just make some toast in a minute." I sit down in my chair across from Casey. "I want to tell you about some plans I had for today." Casey nods her consent so I start talking. "Remember the beach you took me to on your scooter that night? Where we kissed?"

After a long sip of soda, Casey says, "Of course I remember. Why?"

"Well, I want to take you there today."

Casey starts laughing. Actually laughing out loud. "Seriously, Alex? In case you haven't noticed, it's November. And it's supposed to be really cold today. And besides all that, you don't have a car. How are _you _taking _me_?"

I let a smile creep across my face. "I thought I'd drive your car. And so what if it's November…we both have coats. It's not like there's snow. I really want to go."

Casey takes a break from her bacon and looks at me questioningly. "Why? Just because you feel bad about yesterday?"

Her tone is bitter and her words sting, causing me to cringe. Casey picks up on it and immediately apologizes. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it."

"Yes, you did. But that's okay," I tell her, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand. "And yes, it does have something to do with yesterday. I just want to go back to where we shared that special moment. We were lying on our backs looking at the constellations and when I kissed you…it felt magical. It's where 'we' started, and I want to revisit it with you. And I think now is a good time to do that."

Casey sighs. "Even though that kiss was wonderful, that is not a time I want to go back to. In case you don't remember, that evening didn't end well for me. After I kissed you back, you ran away from me and avoided me for three days. You really hurt me. I don't like thinking about that."

I feel my heart sink. I remember that all too well. The devastated look on Casey's face as I walked to my cab. The sadness in her eyes when I told her days later that she meant nothing to me. God, I was hurtful even then…why does she stay with me? I'm reminded of what she said when I went to her apartment to apologize for the whole debacle - she said she was giving me one last chance and that if I hurt her again we were done.

Well that chance has come a few times over and we're still together. I think I just realized what a thin line I'm walking.

* * *

><p>As soon as we get to the beach it's pretty clear that this little venture isn't go to go exactly as planned. Not only is it unusually cold for November today, but the fences are up on the beach. As well as the dreaded "Beach Closed" sign.<p>

Casey stares out the window and then looks at me hopefully. "Okay. It's closed. So we can go home now? Back to the apartment instead of treading through sand in the near-freezing weather?"

I let a devilish grin break out across my face. Suddenly I'm feeling very much like Casey. It's like we've switched personalities. Here she is wanting to leave and go do something boring, and I have ideas of something exhilarating and so unlike me running through my mind.

Without a word I open my car door and go around to Casey's side to open hers. As soon as I do, I'm greeted with a groan from my redheaded girlfriend. "Alex, I really don't want to do this…"

I hold my hand out, inviting her to take it. "Come on, Case. Are you going to let a 'beach closed' sign stop you?"

She glares at me. "No. I'm going to let the freezing air and my hatred for this idea stop me."

"Too bad." I grab her hand and pull her up out of the seat. "You're coming anyway."

She follows me obediently, still grumbling about not wanting to do this. I have to admit it _is_ cold. I adjust the scarf around my neck, but the chill still seems to go through me.

Casey looks so cute in her blue wool coat. But she didn't bring a hat and her ears are already turning red. I'm about to lecture her for neglecting to bring warmer clothes but I bite my tongue. This day is supposed to be about Casey; she doesn't need me nagging her.

I grab Casey's hand and point at the beach excitedly. "Where were we sitting? Do you remember?"

Casey looks at me as if I'm crazy. "Um, no, I don't remember. We were sitting in the sand. On a beach. No landmarks around, Alex. It could have been anywhere."

I don't like the tone of voice she's using with me. She's irritated and she isn't shy about letting me know it. We walk a little further and it's me doing all the talking as Casey trudges along beside me.

Finally, I can't take her silence anymore. This was supposed to be special. As special as that day in June. I can't help it that it's cold. I can't help it that the beach is closed. But Casey doesn't have to walk around sulking; after all, I'm doing this for her.

"Casey, you could act a little bit more excited about being here. I came here for you," I finally say.

"And you could have remembered my birthday," she snaps at me. I briefly look at her and for the first time I see resentment in her eyes. She sighs and shakes her head, her resentment vanishing as quickly as it appeared. "Sorry. Forget I said that. I'm cold. Let's go back to the car."

She sidesteps me but I grab her arm to stop her. "Damn it, Casey, I said I'm sorry! I brought you here - "

"Because you were _obligated _to do so," she finishes for me. "You never would have done this if I hadn't told you that you had forgotten my birthday. We'd be at the dealership right now getting you a car. Admit it, Alex; you brought me here out of guilt. You couldn't come up with anything unique or special so you brought me to the place where you first broke my heart."

I have to look away from her as the realization that she's right hits me. Lying in bed awake for nearly eight hours last night gives me only this horrible idea to show for it. I really _couldn't _come up with something better. And I'm deeply disappointed in myself.

"I'm sorry, Casey; I'm not as spontaneous or clever as you. I really wanted today to be a special day for you."

"Yesterday should have been a special day for me," she replies quickly. My heart breaks as I see her eyes filling with tears. "If you hadn't insisted on doing this…never mind. Why did you keep bringing it up? I told you it was okay. I told you not to bring it up anymore. But you kept bringing it up and now I'm going to tell you how I really felt yesterday. How you _made _me feel."

I swallow harshly. "Good. I want you to."

"It hurt like hell that the person I love forgot my birthday. To not get a card or even a verbal 'happy birthday' from you. And as I told you, I held on to the hope that you had a surprise waiting for me at the apartment and that's why you were acting like you forgot. I was in anticipation all day. I thought I'd come home and find a candlelit dinner or you wearing something sexy for me, or at least a cake. But instead I came home to an empty apartment and when you finally walked through the door, you ranted at me. You yelled at me for something ridiculous, you made fun of the way I dress, and you made it clear that you think I 'play' at my job while you work hard all day. Guess what, Alex? I work just as hard as you do. The only difference between us is that when I walk out of that building at the end of the day, I leave my job right there. I don't bring it home with me. I shift into personal mode and then all I want to do is be with you. But you - you always have your job with you. You bring the stress home and you release it on the most undeserving person - me. And usually I can deal with that, Alex, but why did you have to do it on my birthday?"

I feel horrible now. Worse than horrible. It feels like someone is twisting my insides. Casey has to wipe her eyes with the sleeve of her coat and she turns away from me so I don't see her crying. I reach out and grab her shoulder, but she shakes me off. "Don't. Just _don't. _I didn't want to say anything. I knew it would make you feel bad. But you forced me to. Unlike you I don't like hurting the people I love."

"You think I _like _doing that? I don't mean to hurt you, Casey! And you're right - I do hold more tightly to my job than you do. I can't just leave it behind the way you can. I envy your ability to do that. And it's going to be harder for me now. I have a position that I actually care about and people that I need to stay in good with. If I want to further myself, I have to do the best job possible. And I promise to never do that at the expense of our relationship, but you have to understand that I can't let go as easily as you can. You do come first, but my job matters."

Casey laughs bitterly. "As much as you love me - and I know you do - your career will _always _come first. I know that. I've always known that. And so do you. But I guess I thought I would at least come second. Because I'm the one who loves you, Alex. Not your ADAs. Not the Attorney General. Not your posh office. _Me. _The fact that you care about that artificial crap more than me hurts. Maybe it shouldn't, but I can't help it. I've given you my whole heart and I still trust you with it, but you can't do this to me. You _have _to stop treating me like I don't matter. I do matter, Alex. I _do_ matter."

Her words have hit me like a ton of bricks. I never expected to hear her say that. I took advantage of Casey's ability to forgive so easily and therefore allowed myself to be under the impression that she'd always be there, despite any mistakes I made.

I'm about to speak but the words fail on my tongue. It's probably just as well; I would have said the wrong thing anyway. All I can do is watch Casey walk back to the car. She gets in the passenger side and slams the door angrily.

What a strange role reversal - the last time we were on this beach it was Casey who stood in my place and watched me walk away from her. After I broke her heart for the first time.

* * *

><p>Saturday night finds me unable to sleep again. Casey once more keeps to her side of the bed. It's amazing how much I miss her head on my chest and her arms around me. I've discovered I can't sleep without her touch.<p>

We spent the evening together but Casey is still keeping me at a cool distance. I wanted to take her out to dinner but she didn't feel like it so we stayed in and watched a movie on Netflix I was sure Casey would like. But instead of cuddling with me on the couch while watching, she sat in the recliner on her laptop while I sat on the couch by myself. Barely two words were exchanged between us. It was brutal, devastating, excruciating.

What have I done? How could I forget Casey's birthday? We talked about it on Sunday while driving home from her parent's house…it's not as if I didn't know it was coming up. I remember thinking I was going to make it special for her, make her a home cooked meal without burning down the apartment and then take her for a midnight walk and end it by giving her a gift when we came home. I was excited at the prospect of making Casey feel special. But what did I do instead? I worked late that day, forgot her birthday, and came home and yelled at her for something that wasn't even her fault. Happy birthday, Casey.

It's after two AM when I can't take the no-sleep anymore. I get out of bed softly, careful not to wake my sleeping girlfriend. I go into the kitchen to get a drink of water and take an Aspirin for the slight headache I have. Once I've swallowed the pill, I sit down at the kitchen table and rest my head in my hands.

I feel so bad right now. It's indescribable. I love Casey so much and everything I tried to do for her today backfired on me. And she had been right when she told me I was only doing it out of obligation - I was. I had to do something to make up for forgetting her special day. Taking her to the beach was supposed to be special.

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I understand why Casey had been so upset with me about our beach trip. It wasn't because the beach is where I first broke her heart. It's because I wasn't acting from my heart and she could feel it.

I didn't _want _to take Casey there. I wanted a romantic evening for the two of us that ended with Casey falling asleep with a big smile on her face. But since I missed the day I felt I needed to put something together quickly to show Casey how special she is and how sorry I was. I came up with it in an hour and didn't take the time to plan it out. Casey had been right; doing something out of obligation is not the same as doing something out of love.

Casey deserves an act of _love _from me. I know now what I have to do.

I look at my watch again. It's two-twenty-three. It's late, but not too late. This is New York - nothing closes.

I sneak back into our bedroom and quietly dress inside our walk-in closet. I grab my jacket on the way out of the bedroom and close the door as softly as I can. I cringe as it creaks and hesitate outside the door, listening for any indication that Casey has awakened. But she hasn't. Casey is a pretty heavy sleeper. I practically have to slap her to get her to wake up.

I scribble out a note and leave it on the fridge just in case Casey wakes up and wonders where I am. Then I grab her car keys and head out the door.

* * *

><p>I'm back from the all-night grocery store in less than an hour. To my immense relief, Casey is still in bed. There's no sign that she's been up or found my note.<p>

I take a huge chance and turn the kitchen lights on. I know it may wake Casey, but I can't pull this off in the dark. And besides, our bedroom is far enough from the kitchen that she may never even know. I need to get this done quickly. I want to be done by the time Casey wakes up.

I unpack my bags. I bought everything required to make a cake. Not that I ever have, but how hard could it be? Besides, Casey is more than worth it. I picked out whipped vanilla frosting and a tube of blue icing so I can personalize the cake. I find myself smiling - I think Casey will love this.

I follow the directions on the back of the cake mix box carefully. But for some reason, my cake doesn't turn out. One half of it collapses in the oven and I manage to over-bake it.

What the heck is it about me and kitchen appliances? Why am I unable to cook, bake, or make coffee? I'm an intelligent, educated person and yet a simple birthday cake has proven to be too much for me.

I'm so disappointed. I really wanted to make a great birthday cake for Casey. Of course I could pick up a pre-made cake at a bakery, but that wouldn't be the same. I sigh heavily as I lean over my failed attempt at a cake in the cake pan and I wonder if it's salvageable. Besides being collapsed on one end and a little dark, it still looks edible. So I wait for it cool and then spread the frosting over the top. I'm a little impressed that I actually managed to make the frosting look presentable.

But when I uncap the tube of blue icing and attempt to personalize the cake, I fail yet again. Icing comes out in gobs as I attempt to write. I don't think the words 'Happy Birthday Casey, I Love You' have ever looked worse. My usually neat writing looks more like a second grader wrote it. I can't help but smirk. This didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to, but somehow I think this is better. It's going to show Casey that I know I'm not perfect and that I tried because I love her. And she'll think it's cute…I'm sure of that.

I cover the cake pan with tin foil and place it on the counter and then get to work cleaning up my mess. I'm sure the sound of me clanging around and starting the dishwasher is going to wake Casey, but surprisingly it doesn't.

After I start the dishwasher, I sit back down at the table and take out the card I bought for Casey. I stood in front of the card rack for what seemed like an eternity checking out every one until my eyes fell upon this one special card. The background is a lavender color with glitter and the front is adorned with butterflies and flowers. An odd choice for a birthday card but it's adorable, just like the person I bought it for it.

Another reason I selected it is because it was larger than the rest, allowing me a bigger area to write my own sentiment. I start with the usual happy birthday wishes, and then I follow it up with "I love you because," and suddenly I'm writing more swiftly than I ever have. The reasons I'm listing come without me even having to think about them, and before I even realize it, I've filled the entire blank left side of the card and overflowed under the factory-printed message on the right side. I don't even re-read what I've written. I don't need to. I wrote the truth, from my heart.

I tuck the card back into the envelope and write Casey's name on it, then I prop it up against her cake.

I've accomplished this all before five AM. I think I've set some kind of record. But I'm not finished yet.

Casey left her laptop in the living room last night so I grab it and start it up. As I'm opening her internet browser, I can't help but notice that this computer _is _really nice. The keyboard types practically noiselessly and though I'm not utilizing the touch screen it still appears to be nice. No wonder Casey loves this so much. I'm so glad I bought it for her.

I log onto eBay and start my search. Never in a million years did I think I would ever be sitting in my living room in the wee hours of the morning searching eBay for an old retro video game system. But that's exactly what I'm doing.

I had conversation with Casey's mother when Casey had been asleep with her migraine last weekend. Her mother had told me about how it was for Casey growing up, how they couldn't give her or her brother much but they were still happy. She had told me Casey was a smart, good kid and they tried to give her everything they could. She had wanted an Atari, which, at the time, was the top of the line video game system. They tried for several years to get her one for Christmas, but could never afford it. Casey never got her Atari.

In the age of Xbox and the Wii, it seems silly to purchase an old system from the 70's and honestly, Casey would have no use for it now. But it would mean something to her; and it would show her that I do pay attention, that I do care about what she likes and doesn't like.

My search on eBay is unsuccessful, so I check Craigslist and find two local listings. I shoot an email to both sellers and cross my fingers that at least one of them will still have the Atari available.

The Atari is a little extra 'side' gift I'm giving Casey. Her main gift…well, I can't get that until after nine o'clock when the jewelry store opens.

I know exactly what I'm getting her. I looked at it, weeks ago. I had been planning to purchase it for Casey for Christmas…but right now seems a little more appropriate.

At quarter to nine I hide the covered cake pan and card in the food pantry and leave Casey another note. And by the time I return at nearly nine-thirty, she's still asleep.

I'm nervous as I sit the cake pan down on the table and fish the small blue velvet box from the jewelry store out of my coat pocket. It's adorned with a small red ribbon that I find myself playing with nervously as I place it on the table beside the cake.

Before I have to chance to even think about how this is going to go - how Casey is going to react to her gift - she walks into the kitchen.

**So what do you think? A lot of tension between the ladies in this one. What do you think Alex's gift is? And do you think this time Casey will be receptive to what Alex did for her? Was it enough to show her love from the heart? Review and let me know what you think! And FYI, Olivia will be back in the next chapter**


	26. Chapter 26

**Early update this week. I'm sorry if this chapter doesn't seem as good as my usual work; my father passed away on Monday and I've had a lot on my mind. But working on this provided a nice distraction for me. So I hope you all enjoy. And as always, thanks for reading/reviewing. I jump ahead in time a little in this one, I hope it doesn't make anyone too angry.**

Casey looks first at me, and then at the cake, card and jewelry box on the table. When she looks back at me, her expression is unreadable.

I hadn't foreseen Casey walking in. I had wanted to go wake her up with a kiss. But now that she's here, I have go with it.

I plaster a sweet smile on my face. "Good morning, gorgeous."

She's looking at the table again. "What's going on?"

"An overdue birthday celebration," I tell her quickly, noticing she has a small smile playing at her lips. I start feel a little optimistic about what I've done.

Casey scratches her head in the most adorable manner and looks back at me. She still has that sleepy not-quite-awake look in her eyes and her hair is unkept. It's clear she came straight into the kitchen after getting out of bed.

Casey sits down in her usual chair at the table, eyeing my pathetic cake. "You got up in the middle of the night and baked me a cake?"

Wow, she assumed I baked it instead of buying it. That's a start. Though from the sad state of it, I'm sure it wasn't hard for her to guess. It's not exactly professional.

"Yes, I did. You deserve a cake, Casey. I wanted to do something special for you. I wanted to surprise you."

I hold my breath as I wait for Casey's reaction. This is the moment of truth. One of two things is going to happen here – Casey is going to explode on me and tell me this is another act of obligation and we'll be worse off than we are now, or she'll accept my heartfelt act as just that and forgive me for my stupidity.

To my relief, Casey smiles at me. A real genuine Casey Novak smile that stretches across her entire face and lights up her green eyes. She chuckles lightly and says, "Not exactly a surprise, Alex."

I frown, my heart dropping a little. "How so?"

"Well I woke up to go to the bathroom and found my girlfriend gone and a note saying you had gone to the grocery store. The grocery store at two AM? I heard you get back and heard the noise in the kitchen. It wasn't hard to guess what you were doing."

I'd had no idea that Casey had been up, or that she could hear me in the kitchen. Somehow that makes this a little less special. I wanted this to be a total surprise.

"Oh. I'm sorry," is all I can think of to say. "I was trying to be quiet. Why didn't you just get up?"

Casey reaches out and touches my hand, and the feel of her touching me feels warm again. It sends a hot sensation all through my body. Her touch is loving again and my body is more than ready to feel it once more.

"I didn't get up because I knew you needed to do this. I wanted to let you do it for me. I had tears in my eyes when I realized what you were up to, Alex. Sacrificing sleep, going out in the middle of the night, and slaving away baking a cake when you don't even know what flour looks like is incredible. Baking is not you. I can't imagine how cute you must have looked pouring over the baking directions. You hate anything that has to do with an oven. But you did it for _me_. It was completely unselfish."

I sit down in the chair next to Casey and interlock our fingers. "I love you so much, Casey. I'm sorry for the way I've been screwing up. I can't apologize enough. And the beach I admit was out of obligation, but this isn't. Your words got to me, Casey. I realize I haven't been treating you properly. I've been treating you like you don't matter, when in fact the opposite is true. You matter to me more than anything in this world. I need to treat you for what you are – a precious, beautiful person that I love." I'm looking into Casey's eyes and I see they are filling with tears. "And this cake – " I gesture toward it. "is a poor excuse for a birthday cake, but it's for you from me. Sorry about the terrible writing."

Casey looks at it again and I actually see a tear roll down her cheek. "It's perfect, Alex. Perfect."

I laugh lightly. "Yeah, lopsided and barely legible. Perfect."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, Alex. This is from you. You did this because you love me." She hesitates a moment, still looking at the awful cake. When she speaks again, her voice breaks. "And this is exactly what I wanted."

I feel my heart swell with pride. I finally got it. I was finally able to show my girlfriend that I love her by my actions.

I know if I speak right now I'm going to be overly emotional, so without a word I hand Casey her card. My ridiculously long personal message will tell her how my heart is feeling right now. Words wouldn't be adequate anyway.

I watch as Casey silently reads what I wrote to her. The heartfelt sincere declarations of love and affection are leaping off the paper and grabbing her right where it counts. Before she's even finished, she turns away from the card and has to wipe her eyes.

"Casey – if it's too hard - "

Casey holds up her hand. "It's lovely, Alex. I just need a minute."

I take her hand again and softly rub the back of it with my thumb as she finishes the card. God, she is so beautiful and sweet. I can't believe what I've been doing to her. I'm the biggest fool in the world.

When Casey is finally done and has the card sitting on the table beside her, she looks me right in the eyes and speaks from the same place in her heart that I called upon when I wrote those words in her card. She lets a few more tears slide down her cheek, and I finally allow myself to do the same thing.

"Alexandra Cabot, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever read. No one has ever said – or wrote – such words to me before and meant them the way you do. Everything you said, the reasons why you love me; it's all the reasons I love you too. You say I've changed who you are? Well, _you've _changed who _I _am too. Being with you has been the best experience of my life. I thought I had found love before with others, but none of it even comes close to being with you. You are my life; you make me whole. When I think about being without you, it tears my heart apart. When I found you were gone this morning, before I realized what was going on, I panicked. I thought you had left me, and that…" She momentarily stops and has to wipe her eyes again, and I gently encourage her to go on. "That was the worst thing I've ever felt. I love you too, Alex, more than you'll ever know. I love you."

Then she finally breaks down and I don't let even a nanosecond go by before I have her in my arms, rubbing her back and telling her that it's okay, that she'll never wake up and find that I've left her.

"You're my Casey," I remind her as she continues sobbing into my shoulder. "I didn't want to make you cry, baby, I'm sorry."

She reluctantly pulls away from me, her eyes red and puffy from her cry fest but wearing a smile. Another one rolls down her cheek as she softly says, "They're good tears, Alex."

I'm releasing some 'good tears' of my own, but I keep my emotions in check enough to be able function properly. I give Casey another smile and slide the jewelry box over to her. "You can't cry until you've opened your gift."

Casey's eyes go wide as she looks at the blue velvet box. "A gift wasn't necessary, Alex, you're enough. And you bought me that laptop….you didn't need to get me anything."

"Yes I did. Because I love you. And I want to see your face light up when you see it."

Casey's looking at the box like she's afraid of it, and I slowly realize what this looks like. I just screwed up, Casey just forgave me…and I just gave her a small velvet box from the jewelry box. A box small enough to contain a ring.

My heart suddenly lurches as I notice Casey's hesitation to even touch it. Is she afraid that's what she's going to find? Or is she _hoping _that's what she's going to find? This could turn very badly, especially if Casey is expecting something that isn't there.

Finally, as if to let me off the hook, Casey picks up the box. She opens it quickly and I gauge her reaction very carefully. She smiles and her eyes go wide. There is no look of disappointment or relief – only genuine happiness. She loves the gift.

"Alex! This is beautiful! It's way too much, but it's beautiful!" I watch her excitedly remove the gold bracelet from the box and scramble to put it on. She's so excited she can't get the clasp to close.

I giggle and take the bracelet from her. "Gee, do you like it?" She nods in excitement and I smile. "I thought you would. I was planning on this being your Christmas gift…but you deserve it now. It's real gold. That's why it's heavy. But it reminded me of you." I run my thumb over the flawless gold. "It's perfect."

Casey holds out her wrist and I hook the bracelet together for her. She holds it up eye-level and admires how it looks with an approving smile. Then she grabs both of my hands and leans towards me, planting a passionate kiss to my lips. "Thank you, Alex. I love it almost as much as I love you. I'll wear it everyday." She looks at it again, the smile never leaving her face. "I think it makes me look cute, don't you?"

I'm so happy with the way this turned out that I decide to lighten things even more. "Whoever told you that you're cute, Miss Novak?"

She looks at me again, smiling once more as she realizes what I'm doing. "My girlfriend tells me that all the time."

"Ohh? Who's your girlfriend?"

Casey's smile has turned into a grin. "A dumb blonde that I picked up at the DA's office."

"Really? What's her name?"

"Alex."

"Alex is a guy's name."

Casey giggles, squeezing my hands again. "Trust me, she's a lady. A beautiful, perfect lady."

"You say she's a dumb blonde? Hmm…well she must be blind too if she tells you that you're cute."

That receives a whack to my arm and an insulted sounding, "Alex!"

I playfully slap her back "Well, your girlfriend is right. You are cute. And you have this adorable swagger," I tell Casey with a grin.

"I do not have a swagger!"

I chuckle. "Yes, you do." I kiss her cheek. "And it's cute."

I don't give her time to respond. I get up from the table and get down a couple plates from the cabinet. "How about breaking all the rules? Cake for breakfast? If this thing is edible, that is. And then this your day. We'll do whatever you want. No compliments from me, no matter what it is you want to do."

I cut the cake and place a huge piece on the plate in front of Casey. "Happy birthday, baby."

* * *

><p>The next couple of months pass quickly and without incident. After a couple weeks I fall into a routine with my job and within a month I'm pretty much able to be out of the office every evening by six. Casey continues to do well at her job and we're able to spend our evenings and nights together.<p>

I'm getting better at stress management. Every day is stressful for me, but I make sure I don't take it out on my staff or my girlfriend. I've been trying to leave my job behind me when I leave the building - like Casey does - but it isn't easy. I'm constantly getting calls or text messages on my cell phone after I leave for the day. There are a few instances where I lose my temper with Casey and she loses hers with me, but overall I'd say we've both struck the perfect balance of work and personal life.

I finally got the cast taken off my wrist. It's such a relief, even though the skin on my wrist was pale and wrinkled for a couple days afterwards. Casey told it would stay that way forever and I was almost inclined to believe her until it went back to normal on the third day.

We spent Thanksgiving at the Novak's. Casey's mother was warmer to me this time around, and I legitimately enjoyed a home-cooked meal and good conversation. Thanksgiving at my home was always catered and overcrowded. Sitting at a table with a small group and eating turkey and mashed potatoes that Casey's mother prepared was a nice experience. And I got to meet Casey's brother, Ken. He's two years older and even though he looks nothing like Casey, his personality is pretty similar. He had us all laughing and enjoying ourselves. He works as a teacher at a high school in Rochester.

Since we spent Thanksgiving with the Novak's, we went to my parents' house in the Hamptons for Christmas. No naked middle of the night swimming this time around, but we did enjoy ourselves nonetheless. Mother's tradition is putting up the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and this year Casey helped her while dad and I went for a walk. I think she really enjoyed spending time alone with my mother. And my mother is crazy about Casey. She has nothing but good things to say about her all the time.

Casey got me the most beautiful silver locket for my Christmas gift. She had my favorite picture of the two of us put inside and a nice message inscribed on the back. I absolutely love it. I haven't taken it off since she got it for me.

I had been intending to get Casey the bracelet for Christmas but since I made it her birthday gift, I had to go in search of the perfect Christmas gift. I picked out a really pretty red Cashmere sweater that brings out her green eyes and a gift set of her favorite perfume. She loved them both. So all in all our holidays were great.

Three days before New Year's Eve, Casey comes down with a pretty bad case of the stomach flu. I get a call from her DA to pick her up from work; she was so sick he didn't want her to drive home. I had been concerned that she got so sick so quickly, as she was fine that morning when she left for work. I picked her up and I had to pull over four times so she could get sick on the forty-five minute drive home.

She manages to get in to see her doctor and of course was told she had to let the virus run its course. She was given an anti-nausea medication that didn't help much and spends three days home in bed. I had felt terrible because I was not able to stay home and take care of her, but I do check in with her frequently.

Thankfully, she feels better on New Year's Eve.

We decide to skip out on the huge New Year's party the DA's office is throwing. I'm sure I'm going to catch flack for missing it but I'm able to use the excuse that Casey is still feeling under the weather. The last thing I want to do is go spend all night with a bunch of drunk attorneys and politicians. Somehow our couch, TV and my girlfriend sounds a million times better.

We fight the crowds at the grocery store and buy way more snacks than we need. They'll last us a lifetime, especially considering that Casey still isn't feeling one-hundred percent.

We settle down on the couch a little before ten PM. Casey is wearing her cute duck pajama bottoms and one of her oversized band t-shirts with so many holes in it that it should be used as a rag. Whenever she wears it I threaten to throw it out. She knows I'm joking but still argues with me every time.

I retrieve a fleece blanket from the hallway closet and wrap it around us as we get settled. Casey is cuddled against my left side, resting her head on my shoulder and I have my arm around her.

"I'm so glad you're feeling better, baby," I tell her, kissing the top of her head.

"Me too. And I'm glad you didn't get sick too. I would have felt terrible."

"Wouldn't have been your fault," I tell her gently, running my fingers through her long hair. She adjusts her position and puts her arm around me as well, rubbing my back and teasing my shoulders with her fingers. "You got better just in time for New Year's. Did you know it's my favorite holiday?"

"Why is that?"

"Because it's like you get to start over every year. January first means a new month, a new year, a new calendar. It's like your slate from the year before gets wiped clean; anything wrong you did is forgotten. You get to set new goals and new resolutions. I just love it."

"Are you one of those people who actually keeps your resolutions?" Casey asks, suddenly deciding that rubbing my back is boring and opting instead to trace the length of my bare arm with her finger. Whenever she does this, it sends chills through my whole body.

"It depends on what my resolutions are," I tell her, squeezing my eyes closed. "Before now I never had anyone or anything to keep a resolution for. Now I do. A certain redhead with green eyes that is currently lying on my shoulder and tickling my arm, driving me wild, which I'm sure she's aware of."

I see Casey grin. She picks up the TV remote with her free hand and changes the channel from the yearly recap special on CNN to something more suited to her - Rockin' New Year's Eve on ABC. This gets a groan from me, which Casey completely ignores.

"What's your resolution that you're going to make for this redhead?"

"Well since she just got something on TV that I don't like, I'm changing my mind. I'm going to break up with her tonight instead."

That idle threat doesn't faze Casey in the least. She's grown used to my empty threats to dump her. She responds by turning the volume of the TV up and snuggling back down into my shoulder. "Hmm. I'm sure she's terrified."

"Okay, since that didn't scare you, I'll tell you my resolutions. To be the best girlfriend I can be and always put you first. To never hurt you and love you forever, even if you make me watch god awful things on TV."

Casey sighs and kisses my cheek. "That sounds perfect. And you know what mine are? Pretty much the same, plus these - to not be so hard on you, to not be so sensitive, and to have better self-esteem. And I can accomplish all that with you by my side. I love you."

I kiss her back and squeeze her shoulders. "Love you too, babe."

We sit on the couch cuddled up for about a half hour until I have to disentangle myself from Casey to go to the bathroom. When I'm finished I decide to fix us some snacks, so I go into the kitchen and grab the bag of tortilla chips and jar of salsa that Casey picked out. I wrinkle my nose as I also grab the bag of BBQ pork rinds that Casey begged me to get her. Who the heck eats these things?

I take everything back into the living, only to find that certain redhead gone. The couch is empty, the fleece blanket hanging partially on the floor. I set the snacks down on the coffee table and go in search of Casey. I didn't see her come into the kitchen or pass me to go to the bathroom - so where could she be?

I wander down the hall and find our bedroom door wide open. I hope Casey didn't start feeling sick again and came in here to use the bathroom.

I find her standing in front of our bed with her back to me. I call her name softly, and she jumps a little before turning around to face me. And I nearly laugh out loud at what she's holding.

She has a deflated balloon in her hand and it appears I interrupted her in the process of blowing it up. My eyes fall on the bed, where I see noise boxes and 'Happy New Year' novelty cone hats.

Casey grins at me guiltily, picking up on my amusement. "Sorry….I probably went overboard. I bought this stuff when I went back in the grocery store to use the bathroom. I didn't want you to see."

I approach the bed and pick up on the pointy hats, raising my eyebrows at Casey. Any other time I would roll my eyes and scoff at these party supplies. But coming from Casey, they are adorable.

"You expect me to wear one of these?" I ask her, holding the cardboard hat by the rubber chin band.

"Yes," Casey tells me quickly, and then proceeds to blow up her balloon. "I figured we could have our own little party. I love New Year's too."

I pick up one of the noise boxes and shake it. It's obnoxiously loud, which makes me grin. "The upstairs and downstairs neighbors will complain."

Casey puts one of the hats on, which causes me to laugh at her. "Who is here to complain? I think we're the only two losers in the building who actually stayed in tonight."

That hat is so stupid and ridiculous looking, but the way she's standing there holding her balloon and smiling at me is way too cute. So I can't resist getting into the spirit and putting one of the hats on as well.

Casey seems to enjoy this. "I can't believe Alex Cabot is wearing a cheap cardboard hat! You look festive and cute! I want to take a picture of you."

She grabs her phone and as she goes to snap a picture, I hold my arms up in front of my face. "No one must ever see this - I don't want to see it end up on Facebook or anything. No one will ever take me seriously again."

Casey just grins, pushes my arms down, and snaps the picture anyway. "This is for my personal collection. And no one takes you seriously anyway, Alex."

I reach out and grab the rubber band under Casey's chin, pulling it out a little and then releasing it. It snaps her and she cries out, taking a step back. She tries to act as if it hurts, but her laughing is telling me a different story.

"You are such a jerk, _Alexandra_."

Without warning Casey holds the balloon to my ear and releases all the air out of it, holding the open end in such a way that it makes a horribly loud screeching sound right next to my ear.

And now I'm completely in the spirit. I knock the balloon out of her hand and push her down on the bed onto her back, standing over her with my arms crossed. "Don't call me Alexandra."

She just continues to smile at me. "Okay. _Alexandra_."

I climb onto the bed, effectively pinning Casey down by both arms. "Stop it, Novak."

"Ohh…you think you can take me?" Casey taunts, reaching up and brushing my hair out of my face. She grazes my forehead with her soft fingers and that's enough to make me want her right here and right now. "Go ahead. Try it. We both know I'm the tough one," she whispers sultrily.

I surprise her by holding her down tighter and kissing her so hard that it drives her head back into the mattress. When we've broken apart, I loosen my grip on Casey and slide my hand under her t-shirt. I make my way north, and that makes Casey close her eyes and moan a little as I hit my desired target.

I smile at the fact that my girlfriend has completely succumbed to me. "Looks like I took you."

Casey has this excited wild look in her eyes and as soon as I let go of her she adjusts the stupid hat on my head and smiles at me approvingly. Then she starts to stroke my cheek with the back of her hand. "I let you get me. I could take you down if I wanted."

I roll my eyes at her. "Tough talk, Novak. Only words. You're just my plaything."

Suddenly Casey sits up, grabs me, and pins _me _down before I even have a chance to process what is happening. Within seconds she's straddling me and staring into my eyes, her face just mere inches from mine. She's wearing a cocky smile. "You were saying just words?"

I attempt to get her off me, but she's holding me down with a lot of strength and every time I struggle she just seems to get even more amused. So, since I can't get away from her, I decide to make the best of my situation. I wink at Casey and request, "Take my shirt off."

Casey raises an eyebrow. "Why?"

"It's getting hot in here," I tell her.

"No. That's just me."

I laugh out loud. "I'm fully aware that the hotness is all you, but take off my shirt anyway."

Casey lowers her mouth to my ear and whispers, "Only if you take mine offtoo?"

Once we get started up, neither of us can stop. I tear off Casey's band shirt and she unbuttons my pajama top. I have to shake myself out of it and Casey tosses it aside. Casey leans up and removes her fleece pants and I do the same. Casey lowers herself down on top of me and starts kissing my neck and running her hands up and down my thighs working her way up towards my stomach.

Neither of us speaks. Words aren't necessary right now. We're just enjoying each other and letting nature take its course.

A few short minutes later Casey and I have both removed our underwear and we're completely naked, Casey lying on top of me and gently teasing my body with her soft hands. She's intentionally avoiding touching the sweet spot inside my thighs that always makes me moan in pleasure.

"Casey…" I whine passionately, closing my eyes and anticipating her touch. "Stop teasing me…"

She responds by placing another kiss to my neck and whispering sexily, "I'm not teasing you."

But she is, and she knows it, and I know what game she wants to play. So I obligate.

I had been squeezing the bedspread between my fingers, but I release it and place one hand between Casey's breasts. I feel her stiffen and she lets out a small cry as I gently massage both breasts and then move my hand to mimic her earlier motions on me.

The next forty five minutes find us passionately making love, both of us moaning and crying out so frequently and loudly I'm actually afraid the neighbors are going to hear and call the police. How embarrassing that would be. Luckily, it doesn't happen.

We only stop when neither of us has no strength left. We're both drenched in sweat, our hair clinging to our foreheads attractively. Casey slides off me and collapses on the bed beside me. She's breathing so heavily that she starts to cough.

I'm lying on my back staring at the ceiling, trying to catch my own breath and stroking Casey's hair. I actually feel dizzy from our marathon love making. Once I'm able to form words, I say, "Babe…that was incredible." My eyes wander to the alarm clock and I'm shocked to discover it's after twelve AM. We were so engrossed in each other and dead to the rest of the world that we missed the midnight mark. We missed ringing in the new year. "It's after midnight. We didn't even realize."

Casey is just now catching her breath. "My God…I think I'm having a heart attack. I can't calm down." I turn my head and look at her with a smile. She rolls onto her side so she can stare at me and she touches my cheek. "You are just…amazing. I've never felt anything like that. Every time we have sex it's like the first time all over again."

I completely agree with her. It's magical and special each time. "You're amazing too, Casey. And did you hear what I said about it being after midnight? We missed the big celebration on TV…"

Casey slides over to me and tucks herself into me so my chin is resting on her head. She wraps her arms around me and holds on. "We didn't miss anything. We had our own celebration."

"But you wanted to see the ball drop…"

"So what? This was better." She snuggles closer to me. "The best New Year's of my life."

"Mine too, Case. Mine too." I kiss the top of her head. "Do it again next year?"

She giggles at me and says, "Definitely. Not _until _next year."

"Hilarious, Casey." I suddenly realize that it's very hot in the bedroom. Which it shouldn't be, as the heart is turned down a bit and it's freezing outside. "Why is it so hot in here? Again?"

"Oh…that's me. Didn't we clear that up earlier?" Casey says quickly.

I feign amusement. "Really? Well maybe we need the air conditioning to combat your hotness."

"Won't work." Casey releases me and pulls back enough so we can gaze at each other. "I'm much too hot for that. And you know what's ironic?"

I'm more focused on how beautiful she looks right now rather than what she's saying. I can't stop touching her. As soon as she moved away from me my body started to ache. I have to stroke her bare arms in order to pacify myself. I'm staring into her expressive green eyes with such intensity that I swear I can see her soul. And it's just as beautiful as the rest of her.

"Alex? I asked you if you know what's ironic?"

I shake my head to break the trance. That's right…she had asked me a question and I was too busy marveling at her beauty to answer it. I must rectify that immediately. "No. What?"

A grin breaks out across her face and I know she's about to make a joke. "The abbreviation for air conditioning is AC, which also happens to be our first initials put together. But that's where the seminaries end. Air conditioning is made to combat hotness, and with us, there is nothing that will cool us down."

I like that. I smile and this time I move towards Casey and pull her into my arms. She's still sweaty but soft and strong, just as I like. I'm holding her and resting my head against her chest; this is my favorite position ever.

"You're right honey; nothing can cool us down. It never will. I love you, my Casey; happy New Year."

Casey squeezes me tightly. "I love you too, my Alex. And this year will be the best year of both of our lives. Just you wait and see."

I can't wait to see what this year has in store for us.

* * *

><p><strong>Five months later…<strong>

I'm going to ask Casey to marry me.

She's the best thing in my life and I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. I don't _want _to be with anyone else, ever.

I have her ring picked out. It's beautiful, just like she is. It has a diamond setting with small topaz stones – Casey's birthstone – surrounding the diamond. I can't wait to buy it for her. But first I have to find a discreet way to get her ring size.

I'm going to propose on our one-year anniversary, next month. I can't believe it's been nearly a year. It just doesn't seem possible. A year since we started going out and six months since we both took our new jobs. Time sure does fly by much too quickly.

I don't think Casey has any suspicion what I'm up to. At least I hope not. I want to keep the element of surprise. Even though I'm confident she loves me as much as I love her, a small part of me still gets nervous and scared when I think of her turning me down. It's a possibility. It may be too soon for her, or she may never want to get married. And if so, I'll have to respect that. It will break my heart…but I will respect it.

I'm surprised at myself for moving so quickly in virtually every aspect of me and Casey's relationship. Moving in together after less than six months of dating, saying "I love you" after only three…and now I'm going to pop the question after just a year. This is so unlike me. Moving quickly has never been my style. But I feel so strongly for Casey that this seems more than right.

I'm home alone on a Saturday waiting for Casey to come home from picking us up Chinese for dinner when it happens. The one event that spins everything out of orbit.

There's a knock on the door. I'm immediately on alarm; the doorman didn't buzz me and alert me to a visitor. He wouldn't let anyone come up without my consent.

As I slowly approach the door, a smile breaks out across my face. It's probably Casey. She probably forgot her key or is just trying to mess with me. That's her style.

"Who is it?" I ask casually, fully expecting to hear Casey's voice.

But instead, I hear the last thing I ever expected to hear again – a voice I haven't heard in almost a year.

"Alex – it's Olivia."

This is one of those rare moments in my life where I have absolutely no idea what to do. I stand in front of the door with my hand poised to open it, but I can't seem to move. I feel my heart beating inside my chest and a nauseous feeling rises up inside me.

Olivia is standing outside my door…Olivia Benson. Former detective and my former girlfriend. Olivia Benson, who left me alone and desolate. Olivia Benson, the first person to truly break my heart into pieces.

I hear her voice again. "Alex, I know I'm probably the last person you want to see…but please open the door. I want to see you."

I shouldn't open the door. Everything inside me is screaming at me to tell her to go away and never come back. I'm reminded of how much she hurt me and the last thing I want is to look at her or have her look at me. I shouldn't _want _to see her. I haven't spent one moment thinking of her in months.

But for some reason, I open the door anyway.

And I find myself staring into those familiar brown eyes that I used to yearn to spend hours gazing into. Olivia is dressed in her usual clothing, her light blue jacket hanging open. And her hair is longer than the last time I saw her, but other than that she looks the same.

She smiles hesitantly, looking me up and down nostalgically. "It's so nice to see you again."

And that simple comment breaks me. Anger overtakes me and I let Olivia have it.

"Really? After breaking my heart and walking out on me – and not calling or emailing – you come back a year later and say it's good to see me again? What the hell is wrong with you, Olivia? What makes you think I would _ever _want to see you again?"

Olivia looks down sheepishly and I see one of my neighbors looking at us as he goes into his apartment. She notices this and pleads with me. "Please, Alex…you're right to be upset. But I came to apologize. Can I come in? You're welcome to continue to yell at me, but please let me in so the whole building doesn't hear us."

I don't want her in my apartment. Me and Casey's apartment. What used to be Olivia's apartment too. But she's right – I can't yell at her while she's standing in the hall. So I step aside and let her come in.

Olivia walks into the apartment and I make sure I slam the door behind her. I want her to know how angry I am. Olivia is immediately looking around the apartment, at what used to be ours and is now mine and Casey's. She turns toward me with a smile. "You didn't change the place much."

I glare at her, my arms crossed in front of my chest. "Don't get too comfortable. You aren't staying. Say your piece and then leave. I want you out of my sight as soon as possible."

My cold words sting Olivia. I notice her wince as she takes off her jacket and sits on the couch. I sit down in the recliner next to the couch. I feel my heart still beating rapidly and that nauseous feeling returns. It isn't right that Olivia is here. I need to kick her out? But why do I seem unable to do so? Why do I _want _to hear what she has to say?

Olivia says and starts her speech. "Alex, I am so damn sorry for what I did to you. I was such a fool. I loved you so much and I had no right to hurt you that way. I know you will never forgive me – I don't deserve to be forgiven – but I want you to hear me out anyway. After Elliot left, I lost my passion for the job. He wasn't just my partner, he was my best friend, he was what held me together at work. I tried to hold on as long as I could…but it got to be too much. I had changed in too many ways. I thought taking a new job in a new state with a brand new start would help me, set me on the right path…I felt I needed to change my life in every way. And that meant leaving the person I had loved most. But I was wrong, Alex. I hated it in California, and never found my niche. I missed you everyday. I cried so many nights because you weren't there. Because I _left _you. I got your calls and voicemails but I couldn't bear to call you back, as much as I wanted to. I knew you were probably hurting as much as I was. And I felt like scum, Alex. Lower than scum. Because I didn't make a new life for myself at all. Instead, I left the person who meant the world to me and caused myself more heartache than I ever want to experience again. And I am so sorry, Alex. I understand if you don't believe me, but I am _so sorry_."

And I know she is. I know she is truly sorry. Tears are shining in her eyes and I notice a single tear slide down her cheek. I actually hurt inside for her and have to suppress my own tears. And then I'm angry at myself – I _should not _be feeling sorry for Olivia. What is wrong with me?

I take a deep breath and try and keep my emotions in check. "I know you're sorry, Olivia. But you have to know what you did to me. I was a wreck for weeks. I had to take vacation time from work because I was in no condition to work. I couldn't leave the apartment. I didn't eat, and all I did was cry. It was my first real heartbreak, and it hurt so badly, Olivia. I couldn't believe someone I loved so much would hurt me so deeply and so easily. I had given you my whole heart…and you stomped on it and gave it back to me."

Another tear slides down Olivia's cheek. "I'm sorry, Alex. I can't say it enough. I'll never forgive myself for that."

I sigh. Several moments ago I had wanted to give Olivia a good tongue lashing. I wanted to scream at her and hurt her as much as she hurt me, but now I've lost all my resolve. I feel almost…sad. Compassionate.

"What are you doing here now? Did you come all the way back just to apologize?" I finally ask.

"No. I came back to Special Victims. I start on Monday. And I hear you're DA now? Congratulations. That's wonderful."

What am I supposed to say to that? She's coming back to Special Victims…which means she's going to be around. As DA I don't deal directly with the unit any more but I know I am bound to run into her.

"And Alex, I had hoped – even though, like I said, I don't expect you to forgive me – I had hoped I could earn your trust back again. You still mean so much to me."

Those words should send me into a full on rage. I should be furious she would dare speak them to me after hurting me so badly. But they have the opposite effect on me – they make me feel sad, uneasy. And I don't like it.

"I can't do this, Liv – you need to leave," I manage to get out before I'm overcome with a fit of tears.

It's at that moment that Casey comes through the door. She closes the door behind her, and then looks at me with a worried expression. She places the bags of food on the small table by the door. "Alex, what's – " and then her eyes fall on Olivia. She's instantly mad. "What the hell are _you _doing here?"

Olivia rises up from the chair, holding up her hand to stop any accusations that Casey may be getting ready to fling at her. "Casey, I can explain – "

But Casey doesn't give her a chance to. She's moves so quickly I can barely make out what's going on, and before I know it she has a hold of Olivia and is pushing her back towards the wall. "_Why _is she crying? _What _did you do?"

Just before Olivia's back hits the wall her reflexes kick in and she gets away from Casey, grabbing her arm and twisting it behind her back and holding it in place. Casey tries getting away from her, but Liv holds on tighter. "Stop. If I apply any more pressure, I'll break your arm."

After a very tense couple of seconds, Olivia lets go of Casey. She glares at Olivia and rubs her arm where she had been holding it. Her icy stare could turn Olivia into a solid ice block. "What are you doing here?" she asks again.

"I came to talk to Alex. Try to make right what I did." She looks over at me with a sad expression. "I didn't come here to hurt her."

"No, you already did that," Casey snaps at her. "You destroyed her. Do you have any idea what she's been through? What you did to her?" Olivia looks down at the carpet in shame, but Casey isn't about to let her off that easily. She steps right in front of her. "Answer me, you piece of garbage!"

Olivia immediately looks back at Casey, her eyes flashing. "Watch yourself, Casey."

"No, I don't have to. This is _my _apartment. I live here with Alex now; _not _you. And I come home from getting dinner and see my girlfriend crying and the person who broke her heart sitting in our living room causing her to cry. I can say whatever I want, Olivia."

I feel like I should step in. The tension is so thick between the two of them that I could cut it with a knife. They're staring at each other like….like they want to _kill _each other.

"Like I said, I didn't come here to hurt her. Our conversation just got a little too emotional. Too nostalgic." To my absolute shock, Olivia smiles at Casey. "Maybe she misses me."

And that sets Casey off again. She goes for Olivia again but this time Olivia is ready. So instead she grabs Casey and slams her back against the wall and holds her there. Casey is yelling and fighting her, but Olivia doesn't let her go. "Calm down. _Now. _We're just having a conversation."

Now I know it's my turn to step in. Olivia looks like she's hurting Casey. I quickly jump up and place my hand on Olivia's arm. When I touch her, a million memories come flooding back to me at once but I force them away for now and focus on stopping this ugly confrontation in front of me. "Liv! Stop! Casey is just protective…please don't hurt her." My voice comes out softer than I intend for it too, and Olivia notices.

I just called her Liv…I shouldn't have called her Liv…

Olivia stares at me for a moment, and then releases Casey. I immediately go to her and make sure she's okay. She appears to be very angry and shaken up, but otherwise okay. I shoot her a strict look and say, "Stop. Don't go after her again. It's not worth it."

Casey meets my eyes and nods, and then gives me a hug. "Are you okay? Did she upset you too badly?"

Casey hugging me feels good. I can't see Olivia and it feels like a safe place. I can ignore these feelings that are suddenly coming over me and enjoy the love Casey is providing. I wish I could stay like this forever.

I don't give Casey an answer, I just hold onto her for long than is necessary and when she finally breaks the embrace, she pulls me back and looks into my eyes and asks again, "Are you okay, Alex?" As if it's just the two the of us. As is Olivia isn't standing behind us watching this whole thing unfold.

I hadn't had a chance to tell Olivia that I was with Casey before Casey came home. But now…well, I'm sure she's figured it out. She is a brilliant detective after all.

I manage to finally nod at Casey and I reach down and take her hand in mine. That causes her to smile. We turn towards Olivia and just when I'm about to speak, the words catch in my throat. Olivia is looking at our hands sadly, realization suddenly hitting her. There's no doubt in her mind that I'm not hers anymore. When she looks up and meets my eyes, I see tears shining in hers once again.

This should be a victorious moment for me. A year ago Olivia tore my heart out and left it bleeding on the floor in this very apartment. And now I'm with a wonderful girl who loves me and here we are displaying our love in front of Olivia proudly. I should be smiling too, gloating to Olivia that I'm happy and telling her that leaving me is the best thing she ever did.

But I can't. Somehow it doesn't seem appropriate. I _should_ want to hurt Olivia as much as she hurt me…but I _don't_. I can see her heart breaking right now, and it's not an enjoyable moment for me. I know how heartache feels. I don't want to be cause of Olivia's broken heart, even though she was the cause of mine.

But even though I don't want to, I know that I _have _to. I'm here and I'm with Casey and Olivia can't just come back in and change it all. It's not that simple. And she needs to know that.

So with the strongest voice I can muster, I look into her teary eyes and say, "What I was trying to tell you, Olivia, is that I'm with Casey now. I have been for almost a year. She lives here with me and we're happy. If you came back here with the intentions of reconciling, I'm afraid it won't happen. I'm sorry."

Olivia looks absolutely devastated, and I feel my heart sink. That's the worst feeling in the world; to know the person you love doesn't love you any longer.

I try to be angry with Olivia again. It's been a year and she just left me like I didn't matter to her. What did she expect me to do? Wallow in self-pity and just wait for her to come back? Did she really expect me to not move on?

I try to be angry, but I really can't be. I still care about her…and I shouldn't.

"I'm happy for you, Alex," Olivia says softly, attempting a smile but never really achieving it. "But could we talk?"

Could we talk? No. I can't handle that right now. We just tried that and I was overcome with emotion and burst into tears. I don't want that happening again. Seeing Olivia is too painful. Thinking about our past is too painful. Realizing I still care about her is too confusing. I just want her to leave now so I can sit down with Casey – the person I _know_ will never hurt me – and forget that Olivia ever came back her.

So I shake my head. "No. I can't do this right now. Please just leave, Olivia."

Olivia takes a step towards me. "Please, Alex…"

"Just go, Olivia!" I yell, with more power than I intended. I feel Casey squeeze my hand and that gives me strength. "Just go. Leave me alone."

Olivia makes no attempt to turn around and leave. She just continues to stare at me sadly until Casey steps forward and says, "Do as she says. Go."

I watch the fight leave Olivia and she backs away, nodding in resignation. I see a single tear slide down her cheek as she says, "I am happy for you, Alex. Really." And then she's gone, just like before.

And as soon as the door closes behind her, I know I'm in serious trouble. Because I can't deny the feelings that came flooding back to me when I saw her.

**Olivia is back! What did you all think of this chapter? And what do you think is going to happen now? Please review and let me know what you think!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Thank you everyone for your kind comments about my father's passing. It's been a hard week, but I got through it. Sorry the update is late. Thanks everyone for reviewing! Hope you enjoy this one**

As Olivia closes the door behind her, I find that I'm actually shaking. Out of shock, sadness, anger and nostalgia. Seeing Olivia was shocking in every way possible. It's been nearly a year. I never expected to lay eyes on her again.

"Alex…" Casey takes me by the hand and guides me to the couch where she sits right next to me, putting her arm around my shoulder. She gently starts to rub my back as I struggle to maintain my composure. "Are you okay, honey? What did she say to you?"

It's several moments before I have calmed down enough to tell Casey. But she's patient with me, handing me a box of tissues and telling me to take as much time as I need. I can't believe that Olivia has me this upset. She shouldn't. But something about seeing her again and her being back in this apartment has me all tied up on the inside.

"I'm okay," I finally manage when I'm sure my tears have dried up and my body is finished trembling. Casey still has her arm around me and is resting one hand on my knee, smiling at me sweetly. I force a smile back. "Let's eat – that food is going to get cold."

I start to get up, but Casey won't let go off me. "Not so fast, Alex. The food can wait. We have a microwave."

I settle back into the couch, sighing in resignation. I know what Casey wants – she wants to _talk_. She wants to know how I'm feeling. She wants to know what Olivia and I discussed. Well, I don't want to talk about any of it. So I make a joke instead. "I don't want to add radiation to my Chinese food."

Casey rolls her eyes at me. "Alex, stop it. We can't just pretend that what just occurred never happened. You were very upset, Alex. You still are. I come in here and find you crying with your ex-girlfriend who has been gone for a year. I don't like seeing you upset; you know that. What did she say? What did she want?"

I feel a headache coming on. This always happens whenever I'm forced to discuss something I'd rather sweep under the rug. I'd love to pretend Olivia isn't back and was never here and eat that delicious Chinese food with the woman I intend to make my fiancée in a few weeks, but I know this is impossible. Casey won't allow it. She's going to make me hot.

To lighten the mood, Casey cracks her own joke. She rolls up the sleeves on her white button-down. "Why do you have the heat cranked up so high? It's hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell in here."

Okay, that's something I can talk about. The heat being on. Casey being hot. In more ways than one. This is a good, safe subject that I like.

"I only have it on seventy. You know whenever it's hot that the heat is all you. In fact, I think – "

"_Alex_," Casey says sternly, immediately cutting me off. "That wasn't a subject change. It was an observation. And you're rambling, which you only do when you're anxious. It's just us here. Why are you anxious?"

I shake my head, my headache increasing and my emotions taking hold of me again. "I – I don't know."

"What did Olivia say to you? Why were you crying when I came in?"

"She came to apologize for hurting me," I tell Casey quickly, averting my eyes to our beige rug. I can't look at Casey when I'm talking about Olivia.

"Okay. But why were you so upset? Did she say something? Or want something from you?"

Casey is speaking and I'm aware of this, but suddenly all I can think about and focus on are the feelings that came flooding back when I opened my door and saw Olivia again. I'm remembering what it felt like to be in her arms, her laugh, the way her face lit up when she smiled.

And this is wrong. I don't _want _to be thinking about any of it. Casey is my girlfriend, my other half, and I love her. I'm going to marry her.

"Alex! Will you please talk to me?" Casey says, pulling me from my thoughts. I finally look at her and see the worry etched across her face. I don't like seeing it because I know it's there because of me.

"I really don't want to talk about Olivia, Casey. And she'll never come back – I think you scared her off. You went all 'badass' on me. That was kind of…cute."

It's true. Seeing Casey jump to my defense was adorable. She really is protective. She's the type of girlfriend who would take a bullet for me, I know that without a doubt.

That makes Casey smile. "Finally you're saying 'badass'. I love it. And of course I'll protect you, Alex. I shouldn't have gone at her, but I couldn't help it. She made my girlfriend cry. I don't like that."

I sigh again. "She didn't really _say _anything to make me cry. It was just…emotional to see her again. She tried to make an excuse for leaving but it wasn't much of an excuse, and then…it was just hard, Casey. That's all. She didn't say anything."

Casey appears to accept this. She stares at me for a moment, reaching out and smoothing my hair back. "Are you sure, sweetheart? She didn't say anything to upset you, really?"

I force another smile. "Yes, really. She really just apologized. That's it. I didn't get a chance to tell her I was with you before you came home, but I was going to tell her. She didn't insinuate anything about wanting to get back with me or anything. It was really just an apology. Like I said, not much of one, but still an apology nonetheless."

Casey sits back against the cushion. My words have visibly relaxed her. "Okay. Do you want to talk about anything else? About how she made you feel, maybe?"

No, definitely not…I don't want to talk about how Olivia is making me feel right now. I can't figure it out myself and I'm sure Casey couldn't either. So I shake my head. "No. Let's just forget it. Neither of us is going to be working directly with her anymore; I don't foresee her being back a problem. Let's just end this topic of conversation, okay?"

I hope Casey doesn't notice how uncomfortable I am. I watch her closely as she gets up off the couch. "Okay. Let's eat this glorious food. Before it needs 'radiation'"

I get up and silently follow Casey to the kitchen.

Olivia means nothing to me. She _has _to mean nothing to me.

But why do I keep thinking about her?

* * *

><p>On Sunday Casey takes me out on her scooter. We haven't been out on it since the snow melted and today is the perfect day. It's sunny and a pretty decent temperature.<p>

Casey insists on wearing a backpack and tells me the contents of it must be unknown to me until we reach our destination, wherever that is. The backpack makes it awkward to hold onto Casey but I manage to not fall off.

I have my own helmet now. One of the conditions of letting Casey take me out on her scooter is that she wears a helmet too and the only way to make that happen was to get me my own helmet. Casey picked it out. The helmet is pink and black and completely feminine as opposed to Casey's very tough – or 'badass' – blue helmet. It doesn't go with the colors of her scooter at all. But Casey says it's a princess helmet and completely appropriate for me. And who I am to argue with her?

Casey takes me to a park a little ways from our apartment building. It's a nice park with a fountain and picnic area and dog park. Not one I frequent often, only because it's out of the vicinity of our building.

Casey puts the scooter on the kick stand and we both take our helmets off and hang them on the handlebars. I lean over and toss my hair, running my fingers through it to alleviate helmet hair. Casey mimics my motions, and when I stand back up I'm smiling at her. "I want to drive it sometime."

Casey just grins at me. "Right. We tried that once. You were scared to give it gas and go above five miles per hour. I believe I remember you saying, in a panicked voice, 'I don't want to do this, Casey! Turn the scooter off!' and then I had to rescue my Alex from a motorized monster."

I smile at the memory and the fact that she called me 'her' Alex. I love it when she calls me that. And being here with her now, just the two of us, looking at her and knowing how much she loves me, the events from the previous day are suddenly forgotten. Olivia completely vanishes from my mind and is replaced with warm feelings for the wonderful woman I'm currently walking through the park with.

We're walking on the sidewalk hand-in-hand, people watching as we go. There are several fellow walkers out enjoying the nice day and we receive a couple disapproving looks for our display of affection, but we ignore them and focus on each other.

"What's in the backpack?" I finally venture as we near the sidewalk end and stop in front of the fountain.

Instead of answering, Casey sits down on the edge of the fountain and stares at it. "It's pretty, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I've never seen a fountain before," I say sarcastically.

She shoots me a look. "Stop being snarky, Alex. Did you know you're supposed to make a wish and toss a penny into it?" She points in the water pool. "Look how many pennies there are."

I can't believe Casey is actually being serious about something. I plop down next to her, and Casey immediately takes her backpack off and drops it onto the sidewalk. She pulls me close to her and puts her arm around me. We rest our heads together. "I wonder what all those people wished for? And if they got their wishes?"

Oh my God, I love Casey. If I had her ring I'd ask her to marry me right here, right now. It's the most perfect romantic setting ever. I'm momentarily tempted to propose anyway, but I know deep down that I can't do that. I have to propose properly, with a ring. She deserves that.

I reach into my pocket and feel loose change. When I pull it out, I'm happy to see two pennies. I hand one to Casey with a smile. "Well, we don't we see if we get our wishes?"

She smiles back at me and we toss our pennies into the fountain at the same time. Even though it's silly and I know that a wishing fountain holds no power whatsoever, I still make a wish. I wish for Casey to be mine forever and for us to be happy for the rest of our lives.

After a few seconds of silence, Casey starts to play with my hair. She presses a kiss to my cheek. "Did you get your wish, honey?"

I giggle and return her kiss. "That's pretty quick, isn't it? Does it work that instantly?"

"Yes. It did for me. I wished for you, and you're still here. So I got my wish."

That actually makes my heart want to burst and I get choked up. "I got mine too, Case. I wished for a certain redhead to be mine forever."

"Alex! You aren't supposed to tell your wish out loud!" Casey scolds me in mock seriousness. "Now I have to leave you."

I scoot over and lay my head in Casey's lap and look up at her. She starts to stroke my forehead and I give her a very cocky look. "Really? You don't seem to be getting ready to leave."

"Well, I'm your ride home. So I'll stay. Just this once." Casey's green eyes burn into mine and I see nothing but love. "I love you, you know that?"

"Yeah. I love you too. Even though you're going to leave me."

We stay in this position for several minutes until Casey makes me move. "My lap is falling asleep. And I have plans for us, so get up."

I sit up and Casey grabs her backpack, slinging it over one shoulder. She stands and offers me her hand. "Come on. There's something I want to show you."

I take her hand and let her lead me away from the fountain towards the far end of the park. There's no sidewalk here but from the looks of the grass people walk here all the time.

I'm about to ask where we're going when Casey abruptly stops. We're standing on a small grassy hill which overlooks the dog park. Casey grins and drops her backpack again, zipping it open.

"This is what you wanted to show me? A grassy hill in view of the dog park? So we can sit here and watch the dogs defecate and their owners clean up after them?"

Casey cracks up at that. She pulls a rolled up sheet from the backpack and spreads it out, still giggling. "Defecate? You are _way _too precious. And way too proper."

I have to laugh at myself. She's right. "Well, what would have been appropriate?"

"Watching the dogs take a _shit_. That's more appropriate."

I frown. "I don't like that word."

"Well I do." Casey grins again. "_Shit_." She sits down in the middle of the blanket and holds out her hand. "Come on, join me."

I purposely sit down several inches away from her and pretend I'm insulted. "You have a dirty mouth."

"Yep. But guess what?"

"What?"

Casey slides over to me and captures me in a surprising kiss. It's long and passionate, and we only break apart when the need to breathe becomes an issue. And when we do, we rest our foreheads together and peer into each other's eyes.

"You always kiss my dirty mouth, don't you?"

She has me there. I would kiss her no matter what words came out of that beautiful mouth, and Casey knows it.

We both lie on our stomachs and watch the dogs in the dog park area. Casey starts to play footsy with me and I have no choice but to play back.

"So when we buy that house in the country, are you going to let me get a dog?" Casey asks, still going at me with her foot.

"Would I have a say in the matter at all?"

Casey grins at me. "No. I asked you out of courtesy."

I love this conversation. Casey talking about our future. I fully intend to buy her that house in the country that she's spoken of after we're married. And I'll even get her a dog. Any kind of dog she wants. Big, small…doesn't matter to me.

"What kind of dog would you want?" I ask her, curious.

Casey shrugs. "I'd want a rescue dog. I'd want to go see what's available. Rescue some dog that had a rough life and that no one wanted. Give him or her a good home." She looks at me. "Kind of like you rescued the ADA that no one wanted and gave her a good home."

That makes me smile. Though I'd hardly say _I _rescued _her_. I think it's the other way around.

And I'm not surprised that Casey would want a rescue dog. She has a big heart and of course there's room in for a poor little unwanted dog. I'll bet she would pick the ugliest one she could find just because she would know that no one would pick it. That's how she is.

"So you're my rescue girlfriend?" I ask, taking Casey's hand gently. "I kind of like the sound of that."

"It's true," Casey says, squeezing her hand. "I can't tell you how much I love you and what a difference you've made in my life. I'm happy now. Truly happy, and I never thought I would be. You're amazing. You're more than I deserve. Every day that I wake up next you, I'm blessed. Every second with you is a gift. I can tell you over and over how much I love you but they're mere words and they will never express how I really feel."

My eyes are filling with tears. She always knows the right thing to say to me to make my heart flutter. And I feel exactly the same way about her.

A tear slides down my cheek as I hug Casey and give her another kiss. "You don't have to try and tell me. I know, Casey. My heart feels the same way. I love you too, more than I can say as well. How could I not love my 'rescue' girlfriend?"

Casey laughs at me, smiling lightly. "Guess you don't have a choice." She brushes the hair from my forehead. "Are you glad you ventured out with me today?"

Glad is an understatement. This is one of the best Sundays of my life.

* * *

><p>On Monday afternoon right before I'm about to step out and take a short lunch, my secretary buzzes me to tell me that I have a visitor. I pick up my phone and try to keep the irritation out of my voice as I ask, "Who is it?"<p>

"Detective Olivia Benson."

I clutch the phone tightly in my hand as her name repeats over and over in my head. _Olivia. Olivia came to see me at my office. Olivia wants to see me. _Suddenly my mind is overtaken by her and I find myself facing the same feelings I battled in my apartment at the mere mention of her name.

"Miss Cabot? Is everything okay?"

My secretary's voice pulls me from my troubled thoughts and I realize I haven't said anything to her.

"Yes. Everything is okay," I manage to breathe out. _Tell Olivia to go. I don't want to see her. She broke my heart and I'll never forgive her._ That's what I should say.

But what I actually say is, "Send Detective Benson in."

I realize my hand is shaking when I hang up the phone. I fall back into my chair, burying my face in my hands. I feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why am I letting her come in? Seeing her is going to upset and confuse me again. Why am I subjecting myself to this?

I don't have long to contemplate. There's a soft knock on my door and somehow I'm able to say the words, "Come in."

And there she is, in the flesh. Olivia Benson again. Standing in front of my office door tentatively smiling at me. She's wearing black pants and a white polo with her favorite jeans jacket over top. And I see her gun holster and badge clipped to her side. So she really did return to work today.

Olivia looks around my office in approval. "Wow. Nice office you have here. Is it McCoy's old office?"

I swallow harshly and nod. If Olivia came here to engage me in small talk, she can turn right around and leave. It's hard enough _seeing _her without having to make mindless talk about nothing with her. She really has no idea what her being here does to me.

"Yes, it is." I clear my throat. "Not to be rude, Olivia, but I was about to go get lunch. What can I do for you today?"

Olivia seems undaunted by my icy attitude. "I know you probably don't want to see me, but I wanted to apologize to you again. This time for coming to your home unannounced. I didn't know you and Casey were together. If I had known that, I never would have come over. I'm sorry for any confusion I may have caused you, or any friction that occurred being you and Casey. That wasn't my intent. I really just came to say I'm sorry."

"Well, almost breaking my girlfriend's arm was a good way to apologize," I reply back, somewhat snidely.

"I'm sorry, Alex. Really. I wasn't going to hurt her. She was upset – and rightly so – and I was just trying to stop her from doing something regrettable."

I have such an internal storm going on inside of me right now that I don't know if it will ever calm down. I want to throw Olivia out of my office and tell her to never come around again. But another part of me wants to hear her out, _longs _to know what she's thinking and how she feels. And I'm hit with the realization that it's because I _care_ about her. And I'm bringing up what she did to Casey – even though deep down I _know _she wouldn't have hurt her – to lessen the guilt about still caring about Olivia. I know that I love Casey and if I defend her actions to Olivia, that somehow makes up for what I shouldn't be feeling. Somehow. I think.

"Casey is protective of me. I was crying, and she did what any girlfriend should do – she defended me. I love Casey, Olivia. Casey loves me. We have a wonderful relationship. We've been together for almost a year. She may have been out of line by coming at you, but she did it to protect me. Make no mistake about that. And you didn't cause any friction between us. What you did is remind me of how much you hurt me. You made me remember that awful, gut-wrenching day you left me alone and shattered. You were gone, Olivia. You walked away as if I had meant nothing to you all those years. I was broken…and it was Casey who put me back together. She was there for me. She put up with everything I dished out to her and accepted me for who I am. She's given me more chances than I deserve. And she's shown me what real love is. So don't apologize; by leaving me, you did the best thing you ever did for me – you allowed me to fall in love with someone else. You allowed me to find happiness with Casey. I'm not thanking you at all, Olivia, but what I am saying is that something good came out of all the heartbreak I felt."

By the time I'm done speaking, I'm overcome with emotion and I start to cry. This is too much; everything is too much. I love Casey, I know I do, but Hurricane Olivia has blown in and twisted my feelings around until they are about to break. And it's not fair.

I hate breaking down in front of Olivia. I hated it when we were together, and I hate it even more now. I put my head down on my desk and sob into my arm, knowing full well that Olivia is watching me. And I hope she feels guilty. She _deserves _to feel guilty.

And then I feel her hand on my back. My normal reaction would be to straighten up and push her away, banish her from my office and continue my breakdown in private. But right now I'm not functioning normally. I allow Olivia to rub circles into my back. I feel her press herself against me in an attempt to hug me and provide comfort.

And I am receiving comfort from her closeness and her touch. I remember how it felt all those times to be consoled by her. And suddenly, unwittingly, I'm craving it now.

"Alex," Olivia is speaking softly. "I am so happy you found love with Casey. I'm glad you're happy. Really, I am. And I hope Casey knows what a lucky woman she is." I hear her inhale sharply and she ceases motion on my back. Her voice quivers when she speaks again, "I was a lucky woman too and I didn't realize that until it was too late. Every day that I've been gone I've missed your touch and your warm embrace. I've missed gazing into those sky blue eyes and reading your soul. I've missed the debates we used to get into. I've missed waking up and going to sleep every day with you. And even though I know I can never have those things again, I still wanted to see you again. I still love you, Alex. I always will. I realize you will never feel the same, and that's okay. Seeing you happy is enough for me, even though it hurts that you're with someone else. Seeing someone else receive the love that used to be mine and that I've sorely missed. But I guess that's my punishment for hurting you the way I did."

I don't think my heart can take any more right now. I have no idea what to do with these feelings. How _dare _Olivia make that kind of declaration to me? Doesn't she know – or care – how difficult that's going to be for me to deal with?

I quickly snap back to normal and strike back at Olivia, pulling myself together. I sit up so quickly that Olivia stumbles away from me, startled. And I let her have it with both barrels. "How can you say that to me, Olivia? Tell me you still love me? Didn't I just tell you that I'm with Casey and we love each other? How can you put that on me? Seeing you again was bad enough, but hearing you say those words…why? Why make me deal with this? Haven't I been put through enough?"

"Yes, Alex, you have. And I meant what I said – I am happy for you and know you don't return the feelings. But I thought you should know how I feel."

"How is me knowing that you still carry a torch for me going to help me at all?" My voice is breaking again and it takes everything I have to keep from bursting into tears once more. "How am I supposed to make a life with my girlfriend with that knowledge?"

I want to tell her that I'm going to ask Casey to marry me. I can form the words in my head – but why can't I say them? What's stopping me?

Olivia is heading towards the door, shaking her head. "I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone now. This is the last time you'll see me, I promise. I know what I just said is hard for you to process and maybe it wasn't what you needed to hear, but I wanted you to know, Alex. If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to call me."

She's nearly to the door and I can't let her leave without telling her something. "Olivia." She turns back around to face me and I see tears in her eyes, which makes me weaken a little but not enough to stray from the path I'm on. "You're right, I'll never forgive you for what you did to me. And that excuse you came up with – it's pure shit. I was your _girlfriend_, Olivia! You were supposed to love me, not Elliot! I know his leaving was hard for you, but there's no excuse for what you did. When Casey called you a piece for garbage, she had it right. That's what you are."

I turn away from her and busy myself with something on my desk so I don't see the hurt expression that I know is on Olivia's face. "Now get out of my office."

Once my door closes and I hear Olivia's footsteps retreating away, I allow myself to continue my breakdown.

And I ask myself_, Why is this happening to me?_

* * *

><p>When I get home from work that night, my mood is horrible. It's before six o'clock and normally getting home at such an early hour would thrill me. It would mean more time for me and Casey. But tonight, more time is a curse.<p>

I barely even acknowledge our doorman as I pass him. In the elevator, I don't even say hello to our across the hall neighbor. I'm in full Ice Queen mode, but I don't care. I _dare_ someone to try and talk to me.

I notice the new addition to my living room as soon as I enter. And I immediately hate it.

Casey is sitting on the floor in front of a massive, monstrosity of a TV that's mounted directly on my wall. A TV that wasn't there this morning. As if the TV wasn't bad enough, I see several speakers positioned strategically in front of it.

"What the hell is this?" I ask, the serious tone of my voice making Casey aware of my presence. This is _not _what I needed right now at all.

Casey smiles at me and stands up, holding the remote in her hand. "Hey, baby. This is our new TV. I got out of work early today and picked it up. Wanted to set it up before you got home and surprise you."

I look at it again. "Why did we need a new TV? What was wrong with the one we had? It's only over a year old, has great picture, and isn't ridiculously huge like this one."

"This is a 3D TV. You know how cool the 3D movies in the theaters are? Well, now we can watch them at home!" She grins at me like a child on Christmas morning. "Isn't it cool? I bought the surround sound speakers too." She places her hand on one of them. "This is the subwoofer. It also has a center, two side speakers, and there are two on the wall behind the couch. That's complete surround sound."

I spin around and sure enough see two speakers mounted behind the couch. On my wall. Looking way too ostentatious and out of place.

I heave a sigh. No way am I allowing this. "Casey…we live in an apartment _building_. We have upstairs and downstairs neighbors. We can't have all these speakers! It's too disruptive. And it looks like Stonehenge in my living room."

"I'm sure we're not the only apartment building dwellers who have surround sound. And once you hear it, you'll love it."

I seriously doubt that. I have no desire to hear it. I want those speakers packed up, out of my living room, and back to the store as soon as possible. Along with the TV.

I sigh again. "That TV is way too big, Casey. I don't like it."

She frowns a little, defeated, and looks back at the TV. "It's only a sixty-five inch, not even the biggest one they had. I don't think it's too big."

"Well, I do," I answer quickly, using my strict tone so Casey knows this isn't up for negotiation. "I can't see the point of having a TV that big. And those speakers make the living room look cluttered."

I can tell Casey is disappointed. She obviously thought I would love this TV as much as she does. "But, Alex, you love the 3D when we go to the theater."

"Yes, in the _theater_. I don't need it in my living room! It makes the movie going experience more unique. And isn't this one of the TVs you need to wear stupid glasses for?"

Casey quickly retrieves a pair of glasses from the cabinet where she keeps her video games. "Yes, I bought two pairs. But you only need them for 3D stuff, not when you're watching cable or a regular movie."

She approaches me and hands me the glasses. They're big and heavy and make me frown in disapproval. "And how am I supposed to fit these over top of my regular glasses? You know I can't watch TV without my glasses. And you had to _buy _them? They didn't come with the TV?"

Casey looks completely defeated now. She's not even looking at me. She's looking longingly at the TV she knows she's going to have to give up. "They fit over your regular glasses just like the ones at the theater do. Try them on. And yes, I had to buy them. The ones that are included aren't up to the standards you need to see high quality 3D."

I don't even try them on. I hand them back to Casey. I can't believe she did this without consulting me. And I can't believe she bought two pairs of glasses when the TV came with them. "Who told you they weren't good enough? The sales person?" Casey nods and I have to suppress a chuckle. I can't believe she would be so gullible. "Of course they're going to tell you that, they want you to spend more money. I'll bet there is nothing wrong with the glasses that came with the TV. How much did you pay for these, anyway?"

Casey looks ashamed and says quietly, "One hundred seventy-nine dollars each."

I actually gasp. Is she crazy? That is outrageous! "Casey! I can't believe you! Almost four hundred dollars on glasses? That's insane! Pack them up and take them back."

"But, Alex – "

"No 'buts', Casey! Pack all of it up – I don't want any of it in my apartment. Return it today. I need to lay down. I want this all gone when I come out of the bedroom."

I strut out of the living room and go directly to our bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I don't even both changing out of my suit. I fall onto our bed and pull myself into a little ball. But I don't cry. I used up all my tears already today.

Casey did not deserve the tongue-lashing I just gave her. Even though I really do hate that huge TV and speakers, I didn't need to react the way I did. I could at least give it a chance.

I hate Olivia. I _hate_ her. She did this to me. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop replaying her words in my head. I don't want her in my head! I want Casey there. Casey belongs in that spot now, not Olivia.

After a few minutes I get up and wander back into the living room. Casey has a box open and is packing up the speakers. I approach her quietly from behind and ask, "What are you doing?" even though it's pretty obvious.

Casey doesn't even turn around. "Packing everything up like you asked."

I feel my heart clench at the hurt, disappointed tone in her voice. God, Alex, you sure are a winner today. I try to lighten the mood and loosen the tension between us. "Since when do you do what I ask?"

This time Casey turns around, and her expression is completely serious. "Don't I always? Do I not _always _do what you ask, Alex? Don't I always make you happy, even at my own expense?"

Every word is like a dagger in my heart, because I know she's right. "Yes, you do. I'm sorry, Casey. You didn't deserve what I just did to you."

Casey returns to packing up the speakers. "No, I didn't."

I crouch down and cover Casey's hand with my own, stopping her from packing anything else up. "Please stop. Don't take the TV or speakers back."

Casey sighs. "But isn't that what you want me to do?"

Yes, it is. I want that thing gone. But _Casey _wants them. For once, I should give into what she wants the same way she always gives in to me. I need to make Casey happy. For her, and also to lessen the guilt I'm feeling for what I feel towards Olivia.

"No. Let's keep it. I'm sure I'll like it. I just…had a really bad day and took it out on you again. I promised I wouldn't do that anymore, I know, but today was _really _bad."

Casey shifts from being hurt and angry about the TV to being completely concerned about me. She stops packing the box immediately and stands up, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me to the couch where she makes me sit beside her. "What happened, Alex? What happened that was so bad?"

I have to tell her. I can't keep it from her. In one breath I let out, "Olivia came to see me at work today."

It takes a few minutes for Casey to react. I try to read her expression, but I can't. It's somewhere between shock and concern. "What did she have to say?"

"She apologized for coming to our apartment. She didn't know we were together and said she wouldn't have done so had she known. And she apologized again for hurting me."

I leave out the part about Olivia confessing she still loves me. Casey doesn't need to hear that. I wish _I _never had.

And Casey again amazes me. "That's probably true, Alex. I'm sure she _didn't _know. And I really don't think she would have come over if she had known. I believe that. And I was wrong to try and attack her and I'm sorry for that. But I didn't like seeing you crying. And I didn't like the attitude she gave me. But I think it was to cover her embarrassment and her hurt. The revelation that we're together shocked her. I'm sure it's a lot to deal with coming back after a year and finding your ex-girlfriend living in the apartment you used to share with another woman. And yes, she did hurt you and that's unforgiveable, but it sounds like she really is sorry."

Casey is _defending _Olivia. She should have gone into a jealous rage upon hearing that my ex was alone in my office with me today. But instead she's finding something to defend Olivia. She's finding something good to say about it. And that's incredible. She's a way better person than I'll ever be.

I don't have time to say anything else before Casey asks, "Is there more to it? Why was it bad? Did she…make you feel bad? Say something to you that she shouldn't have?"

_Tell her, Alex. Tell her! _

I bite my lip and shake my head. "No. She didn't. It was just….hard seeing her and accepting her apology. Knowing she threw me away the way she did and now she's back. After everything we shared together, she let me go like I meant nothing to her."

I start to sob and that's when Casey pulls me into her arms. "I know, sweetie. It's normal to feel like that. When Darren came by to talk to you, I felt the same way. Even though I didn't talk to him, I did see him and I felt everything you're feeling right now. He hurt me and just by seeing him it made me feel that awful hurt all over again. It was horrible. So that's normal, Alex. Anyone would feel that way. What you have to do is forgive Olivia. As difficult as that is…you have to. If you don't forgive her, you will never truly be free of her. And who knows? Maybe the two of you can be friends. Maybe the _three _of us could be friends."

If Casey only knew what she was saying. There's no way I can 'be friends' with the woman who today confessed she still loves me. When there are feelings, you can never have_ only _a friendship. So I won't even try.

We're both silent for a moment and I enjoy the feel of Casey's arms around me. She smells good and I feel her hair against my cheek. I lay against her until I trust myself enough to pull away without breaking down again.

Casey is wonderful. Amazing. She should hate Olivia, but instead she's wishing we could be friends and telling me to forgive her. I lock my eyes on my wonderful girlfriend and say, "You are incredible, Casey. In your place I'd be feeling a bit a jealous and anxious if your ex was hanging around. But you? You hold no ill-will towards her. You want to be her _friend. _That's just…I can't believe it."

Casey smiles and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. "I hold ill-will towards her for hurting you the way she did. That was wrong and I'll always hate her for that. But we have each other now. She knows we're together. We've moved on, and so has she. Forgive her, Alex. Forgive her and put it behind you. I'm sure it was just as difficult for her to apologize as it is for you to accept that apology. But you should. It's the right thing to do. And why would I be jealous or anxious? I trust you completely."

She's just making it worse. Oh God, she's making it so much worse. Olivia hasn't moved on. Put it behind me? I don't think I can. Not with the feelings that came flooding back the moment I saw Olivia again.

I know I have to give Casey some type of response, so I say, "Okay. I will call and tell her I accept her apology."

Casey smiles and lets go of me. "Good. Now I have to talk to you about something, and then after that how about we forget the day and get lost in a 3D movie so you can try the TV out?"

Oh no, what does _she _have to talk about? What could have possibly happened to her?

"What is it? What do you need to talk to me about?"

Casey grabs her purse from the coffee table and pulls out a white envelope. She takes something out and hands it to me.

It's an airline ticket. To Washington, DC for tomorrow afternoon. I look at questioningly.

"I have to go talk to Senator Ryan Palmer at his office. He's a witness in a case I'm working on. He'll be in DC all week and my DA said it can't wait, so…I'm going tomorrow. I'll be staying overnight but will be back on Wednesday." She takes the ticket away from me and smiles. "All expenses paid by the DA's office."

"You're…leaving?" I don't mean it the way it comes out. It comes out as meek and needy and conveys that I don't want Casey to leave, and I can tell from her facial expression that she picks up on this. So I backtrack. "I mean, I'm sure DC will be fun for a night, but I'll miss you."

What I really mean is I don't want to be alone here tossing and turning all night long with these confusing thoughts and feelings in my head.

"Aw, Alex, that's sweet!" Casey hugs me, and plants a kiss on my cheek. "I will miss you too! Since we've been together, we haven't spent a night apart. It will be weird. But we can Skype. We'll both sit on our beds and watch TV and Skype all night long and both be zombies the next day. Maybe I'll even wear something cute for you."

That cheers me up a little. Skyping with Casey might actually be fun. "Okay. We can Skype. But I'm holding you to that promise of wearing something cute."

Casey kisses me again. "I won't disappoint." Then she gets up and busies herself with unpacking the two speakers she had packed away. She quickly hooks them back up, adjusts something on the TV, and puts a movie in. When she comes back to the couch, she hands me a pair of the ridiculous glasses. "Here you go, ma'am. The stupid overpriced 3D glasses."

I slide them on over my regular glasses and Casey climbs back up on the couch. She opts for laying her head in my lap, and I take this opportunity to play with her hair. It's a happy moment…until I realize what movie Casey put in.

It's the animated movie "Bolt". One of Casey's favorites. And one of my least favorites. I hate the animated movies. I groan loudly. "Casey…"

"Alex…" she mocks back. "Shut up. It's supposed to be really good in 3D."

I sigh and resign myself to suffering through the awful movie, enjoying my adorable girlfriend in my lap. The movie is still awful but I must admit the TV the is pretty cool. And what's more, Olivia doesn't cross my mind even once.

* * *

><p>Tuesday night I come home to a quiet, empty apartment. Casey caught her flight that afternoon and called me from her hotel about an hour ago, and then proceeded to send me pictures of the view from outside her window. DC is beautiful in the spring. The cherry blossoms are blooming and Casey has a perfect view of the Capitol from her hotel room window.<p>

I miss her already. The apartment is _way _too quiet without her chatter or that obnoxious video game music.

I change into a pair of jeans and since I don't intend on going anywhere tonight I just throw on one of Casey's hoodies. It smells like her perfume, which makes me only miss her more.

I can't stand it. I know it's pathetic, but I have to talk to her. So I grab my phone and hit her speed dial.

Casey picks up after the second ring. "Hey, sweetie."

I smile when I hear her voice. "Hi, baby. I miss you. I just got home from work. Did you talk to Palmer yet?"

Casey sighs. "No. He didn't have time to see me today. His chief of staff said he had closed door meetings all day. We have an appointment in the morning before I fly home. They kept me waiting in his office for over an hour just to tell me he didn't have time for me. So I stole a pen from his desk."

I roll my eyes. "Classy, Casey. Now the FBI will be after you."

That makes Casey laugh. "Let them come. So you miss me already?"

"Yes. Don't you miss me?"

"Of course. I'm walking around downtown checking out the cherry blossom festival. Yes, they actually have a _festival. _There's food wagons and all kinds of cool stuff. I wish you were here."

"Me too. But don't fill up on that awful food wagon junk. Since you're there on the DA office's dime, go eat a nice steak or lobster dinner. With all the extras."

I can almost hear the smile in Casey's voice. "Wow, you're the voice of fiscal responsibility now, aren't you?" She pauses. "So what are you doing tonight?"

I stare at the TV. "Watching this dumb TV and missing you. I may or may not polish off the rest of your cookie cough ice cream."

Casey laughs again. "Feel free. I can get ice cream on room service later."

"Don't rub it in, Casey."

She laughs again. "Seriously though, Alex, why don't you go out and do something? Go see a movie? Or…don't bite my head off for this…but why don't you call Olivia? Tell her you accept her apology and whatever else you feel you need to tell her."

I had hoped Casey wouldn't suggest this. Because I had been thinking of doing so, and now that Casey has told me do it, I have no choice.

So I give in. "Okay. I'll call her as soon as we hang up."

"That sounds good. And we'll Skype later?"

"That depends. You wearing something cute?"

"Does 'nothing' qualify as cute?" Casey asks in a teasing tone.

I like the sound of that. A huge smile spreads across my face. "It does. But you may give the room service guy a heart attack."

"Maybe it will be a chick. A hot chick. And we can put on a little show for you over Skype tonight."

I roll my eyes. "Nice, Case."

"I'm kidding. Don't be so prudish. Now hang up and call Olivia. Just don't let her give you a guilt trip, okay? Stay firm. I love you. I'll talk to you later."

It's a full thirty minutes after I've hung up with Casey before I work up the courage to call Olivia. It's so funny, I haven't called her cell phone number in nearly a year but I still have it memorized.

She picks up after the first ring and can't hide the surprise in her voice. "Alex?"

I take a deep breath, psyching myself up. "I'm sorry for being harsh in my office, Olivia. I just…" I'm getting tongue-tied and nervous. I don't know what I want to say. I really do want to see her. So stupidly, I rush out with, "Can you come over tonight?"

"I would actually like that. I want to apologize to Casey for what happened. Maybe I'll bring you guys a pizza."

"Casey isn't here," I tell her, a little too quickly. "She's in DC working on a case until tomorrow. But she's the one who suggested I call you, and…" I still can't find the right words. "Please just come."

I just did a bad thing. I should not have invited Olivia to my apartment with Casey gone. It's not appropriate, and Casey will be furious. Of course nothing will happen, but still…

"Are you sure it's okay with Casey if I come over?"

Maybe that's it. My chance to get out of it. I could call Casey and ask her. She'll say no and then it's done and over. My invite will be void and Olivia won't come over.

"I can call her and ask if she minds."

"Yeah. I would prefer that. I don't want to make her mad," Olivia says. "Call me back and let me know."

I call Casey back immediately. I'm beyond nervous – how am I going to explain inviting Olivia over? Maybe I can say she asked to come over. Yeah. That sounds better. It's not really a lie. Not really.

"Hey, if you called Olivia, that was a pretty quick call. Or did you chicken out?" Casey greets me, a playful tone in her voice.

But I don't want to play around. I want to get to the point, and quickly. "Yes, I called her. She wants to come over and talk. I said I had to ask you."

"Alex, you don't have to ask my permission to have someone over. If you want her to come over, let her. If you don't, don't. But if you do, remember what I said and don't let her lay a guilt trip on you or make you feel badly in any way. Whatever you choose is fine. But I really think you should try to be friends."

If I were out of town and Casey called to ask if she could have her ex over, I would be so filled with jealously that I'd fly home to make sure it didn't happen. Not that I don't trust Casey…but I wouldn't trust an ex. Casey on the other hand, obviously would. She's trusting Olivia. And me.

I swallow harshly, knowing full well that I'm going to have Olivia over. We do seriously need a talk. And since I have Casey's blessing, I have nothing to feel guilty about.

I tell Casey I love her and hang up. Then I call Olivia and tell her to come over.

* * *

><p>Olivia did bring me a pizza. It's pepperoni and sausage, my favorite. She comes into the apartment with a huge smile, going to the kitchen and placing the pizza on the table and getting soda from the fridge. She looks so natural here…as if she had never left.<p>

"Do you still have a strict eat only at the table policy, or do you eat in the living room now too?" Olivia asks as he gets a couple plates down.

My stomach had been doing flip-flops while I waited for Olivia to arrive, but now that she's here my nervousness is quickly dissipating. I'm starting to feel comfortable with her.

"Casey has made me lax on that. She likes watching TV while we eat. So we can take it to the living room if you want."

We get the pizza organized in silence. Olivia dishes up two slices a piece and carries them into the living room and I follow with the two cans of Diet Pepsi. We sit a ways away on the couch. Even though I'm comfortable, I don't want to sit too close to her. I know how she feels and I don't want to send out the wrong signals.

"So why did you want me to come over?" Olivia asks after taking a bite of one of her slices. "After our meeting in your office, I didn't think we'd ever see each other again."

I feel a ping of guilt for the awful words I had spoken to her yesterday. "I'm sorry, Liv…I shouldn't have said what I did. You came to apologize and I should have accepted. Well, I'm accepting now. And please accept my apology for what I said to you too."

Olivia nods and smiles. "Apology accepted. And I deserved it, anyway."

"No you didn't. I was hurtful and I had no right to be."

"You had every right to be hurtful to me after what I did to you. When I think about it, I – "

I hold up my hand to stop her. "Let's not talk about it. All right? I accepted your apology. Let's move on. Please. There's no sense in dwelling on the past."

"Okay. Well tell me about your big DA job. And tell me about Casey. What is she like?"

I fill Olivia in on every detail of my boring job. Too much detail probably, but she asked. Then I talk about Casey. I tell her how cute and wonderful she is and all the little traits she has that I find adorable. I go on and on…until I see it's making Olivia uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry. I'll stop talking about Casey."

She looks at me sadly. "No, it's okay. I asked, after all. And she sounds wonderful. I always liked her. I'm glad you two have each other."

Suddenly, _I'm _the one uncomfortable. Olivia is looking at me with those doe-brown eyes and something inside me is giving. For years I cherished that gaze…and now it's returned.

We talk about what it was like when we were together; not _us_, but everything else. Elliot being around and the old squad before Rollins and Amaro. We re-live old memories and in no time I'm laughing hysterically at one of Olivia's Munch stories.

We don't even turn on the TV. We finish our pizza and talk non-stop for over two hours, catching up on every aspect of our lives. Olivia tells me about California.

Everything is so easy between us. There should be a wall of anger that Olivia has to penetrate to get it to me, but it's nonexistent. I'm enjoying myself. I'm enjoying _Olivia. _

"I'm glad you came over, Liv. I was pretty lonely here by myself." '

Olivia smiles sweetly. "I'm glad I did, too. And I love that you're calling me 'Liv' again. I missed that. 'Olivia' always sounded so cold."

I hadn't even realized I had been calling her that. In a split second, Casey crosses my mind. I remember our Skype date. Casey. My girlfriend who loves me.

This isn't right. I can't do this. I can't lead Olivia on and I can't sit here and reminisce about what I used to have with her. It's gone and I have Casey now. And that's the way it is.

Olivia notices the change in my attitude. "Maybe I should go. We can catch up again later this week. Do a movie or something. Casey can come too."

I nod and Olivia reaches for her car keys on my coffee table. Her fingers graze my knee…and that's all it takes. One touch.

I don't even know how it happens, or who initiated it. But the next thing I know I'm on top of Olivia on the couch, our shirts are off, and we're kissing.

**Oh no. Is Alex going to stop this before it's too late? Or is it already too late? What did you think of this chapter? What do you think is going to happen? Please review and let me know!**


	28. Chapter 28

**As usual, thanks to my wonderful readers/reviewers! I wanted to roll this update out earlier, but it's been a busy week. Things are finally starting to slow down so hopefully I'll have a quick update. Enjoy this one!**

Olivia instinctively has her hand traveling up my back. It stops on the clasp to my bra and expertly undoes it. In less than a second my bra drops down to the couch.

I do the same thing to Olivia and suddenly it's as if we never ceased to be. We're picking right back up where we left off and somehow it feels…natural.

Olivia feverishly kisses me again, pinning me to the back off the couch. "Alex…I have waited so long to do this to you again. I'm sorry I ever gave this up."

Olivia's kisses are just as sweet as I remember and I realize I'm sorry too. I've missed this just as much as she has.

I'm completely in the moment and I'm not thinking rationally. If I were, I would have realized what exactly was going on way before it got so out of hand. Way before I nearly made the biggest mistake of my life.

"I love you, Alex," Olivia says right before kissing me again.

And as she leans into me, she presses my locket into my chest. The locket Casey gave me for Christmas. The locket that contains that beautiful picture of us together.

Casey. Casey says those words that Olivia just spoke. She says them everyday. And they sound sweeter and more sincere coming from her.

I feel my heart drop to my feet and my stomach lurch as I come to my senses and realize what I am allowing to happen. I am cheating on the most wonderful, loving girlfriend in the entire world. The girlfriend whom I fully intend to propose to in less than a month.

Olivia has started up again, but in one motion I push her off me. "No!" I shout, and then I slide to the edge of the couch and try to take a deep breath to calm myself. My heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest and I feel like I'm going to vomit. I can't believe what I've just done. Casey will never forgive me. _I _will never forgive _myself_.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asks in a sympathetic tone. She places her hand on my knee but I shake it off. It doesn't take her long to get the hint and she wisely makes no further attempts to touch me.

I grab my shirt and with shaking hands quickly put it back on. I don't even bother to put my bra on first. I just want to be covered. I don't want Olivia to see me; she's already seen too much. She's seen what only Casey should be allowed to see. Casey deserves to see me; Olivia doesn't. She gave up that right when she walked out on me.

"What's wrong?" I echo back to Olivia, my tone harsh. She is still topless and I'm being careful not to let my eyes wander from her face. I don't want to look at her any more. "I'm cheating on my girlfriend, that's what's wrong! I love Casey, Olivia! I – I can't do this! I don't know what's wrong with me…but we can't continue. Casey is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She doesn't deserve this. You need to leave, Olivia. Now." As I'm speaking, I'm fingering the locket. I can almost feel the love radiating from it. And that makes this situation infinitely worse.

"Alex…" Olivia sighs and holds my gaze. "I know you love Casey. But I also know you're feeling the same thing I am right now. Your feelings for me never went away; they were just lying dormant. I don't blame you for moving on with Casey. You thought I was never coming back. _I _thought I was never coming back. But I'm back and I still love you, Alex. You can deny still loving me all you want, but I know you do. We belong together. And I know I've caused a huge mess and I'm sorry…but I can't help how I feel. I still want you, Alex. You still hold my heart."

Her words take my heart and squeeze it until it's dry, because I know she's speaking the truth. I can hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes. And I can't deny that she's resurrected feelings in me. She has, and I'm fighting them, but they won't go away. They keep beating down my defenses and coming up to the surface.

But I love Casey too – of this I have no doubt. She's beautiful and special and I'm happy with her. So why do I still have feelings for Olivia?

"Alex…say something…"

It's as if I'm watching my life like it was a documentary or a movie of the week on Lifetime. In one instant I think of Casey and how she makes me laugh and smile and opens up new experiences to me, and in the next instant I think of my past with Olivia and our somewhat routine relationship and how she always made me feel safe and secure. I see Casey, I see Olivia. I want them both, yet I know that I can't.

There aren't many situations that I don't have words for. Words have always been my greatest asset and they never let me down. But sometimes words fail us….and all we're left with is the silence that we let speak for us.

"Alex! Please!" Olivia tries again, pleading this time. I can see the desperation in her brown eyes.

And then I break. Not into tears, but into anger. I jump up off the couch and grab Olivia's shirt, flinging it at her and hitting her right in the chest. She looks at me in shock, but I don't back down. "Put on your goddamn shirt and get out of me and Casey's apartment!"

Olivia opens her mouth to reply, but thinks better of it and instead does what I requested. She puts her shirt back on quickly and says, "I'm sorry, Alex. Really. I know this is hard for you…"

"You have _no idea_!" I snap back at her.

She nods in understanding and finally turns her attention away from me. She grabs her purse off my coffee table. "I'll go. You need some time. But think about what I said, Alex. I'll call you in a few days. Okay?"

I need to tell her not to call me, to leave my apartment and stay out of my life forever. But somehow the words don't come. I'm in too much shock, too much panic to do much of anything. So all I do is nod at Olivia and watch her walk out of the living room. A few seconds later I hear the door close and I know she's gone.

I still can't process what has just happened here. How could I do such a thing? Casey means the world to me and I just kissed and made out with my ex-girlfriend! As if Casey meant nothing to me at all!

I find myself fingering the locket again. I pull it away from my chest and open it up so I can see the picture of the two of us together. And as soon as I see it, I burst into tears.

I don't think I've ever felt this low in my entire life. I've hurt Casey a lot, but everything I've done – taking her to that beach, forgetting her birthday, acting like a bitch towards it – it all pales in comparison to this. This is the ultimate.

Should I tell her? Or should I just forget it? It will never happen again…I will never _let _it happen again. If there is a next time with Olivia, I won't lose control this time. No matter what I may feel for her, Casey is my girlfriend. First and foremost. And that's the way it's going to be.

So there really is no reason to tell her. It would devastate her. I can't do that to her. As wrong as it is, she is better off not knowing.

An hour or so later I'm still wallowing in my own tortured thoughts when I get a text message from Casey.

_Get on your laptop. It's Skype time!_

So I hurriedly do what she says. I go upstairs and retrieve my laptop and sit on the couch, balancing it on my lap. I quickly sign onto Skype and only have to wait a few minutes before I see Casey.

Seeing her instantly puts a smile on my face and all my thoughts about Olivia momentarily vanish. She's wearing one of her ratty oversized sleep shirts and her hair is damp and wavy. I give her a smile. "Looking good, babe."

She smiles back. "Not too bad yourself. I miss you. Did Olivia come over tonight?"

My smile evaporates. Why did she have to bring up her name? That familiar sick feeling returns and I'm afraid I'm going to start crying.

Casey picks up on my uncomfortable look. Worry graces her face. "Alex…what's wrong? Are you okay?"

I realize I've been sitting there with a blank expression on face that's probably scaring my girlfriend to death. I snap myself out of it and plaster on my best artificial smile. "I'm okay. Olivia did come over. We talked…but it didn't go well. It was really awkward."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. But at least you tried."

"Yeah," I answer quickly, wanting to derail this conversation quickly. "How's DC? How much of that awful booth food did you stuff yourself with?"

"Not much. It fills you up quickly. And it was the last thing I needed, considering the error I made while packing."

I raise my eyebrows. "What's that?"

"I grabbed a pair of your jeans instead of mine. I can't even get them buttoned. I had to walk around wearing my suit pants. I felt like a real loser." Casey starts laughing at herself. "Seriously though, could your pants size be any smaller? You need to eat a horse or something."

I can't help but laugh too. It's a real laugh, and I feel better. The smile I give Casey this time is genuine. "I do not. You just need to stop being a fatty."

"Alex!" Casey scolds me with a giggle. "That was an awful thing to say! I really am going to start looking for a new girlfriend out here now. Someone to share this nice big hotel bed with. It would be a waste to sleep in it alone…"

I know she's joking but my stomach clenches at her words and I actually feel like I'm going to be sick. I tell her I'll be right back and I sit the laptop on the cushion beside me, then I hurry to the bathroom. After I empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet, I lean on the sink and stare at my reflection in the mirror.

I don't even recognize myself. I feel dirty and unworthy. There's no part of me that deserves to be touched by Casey now. I lied right to her face…I kissed my ex….and who knows how far it would have gone if I hadn't come to my senses and stopped it.

Casey deserves better than me. I've never been so ashamed of myself.

When I return to my computer, Casey is full of questions. "What happened? Are you all right? You looked really upset…what aren't you telling me?"

As I field every one of her questions, the knot in my stomach gets tighter and a headache starts building. Which I guess I deserve. "I'm all right, really. I just felt a little sick. I've felt kind of off all day. There's nothing I'm not telling you. It was just busy at work and didn't go well with Olivia…and I guess everything built up. But seeing you already makes me feel better. When are you coming home?"

Casey looks really worried and I'm not sure whether or not she believes me, but if she doesn't, she does not call me out on it. "I'm sorry, baby. Wish I was there to cuddle you. If you're feeling sick you should go lie down. I'll be home late afternoon tomorrow. I can't wait to see you. But I won't keep you if you're not feeling well tonight. Get plenty of rest because if you're feeling better tomorrow I'm going to make you make up for a lost night…"

I don't want Casey to sign off. Looking at her and engaging in our easy banter with her is the only thing I have right now.

"I would love to oblige," I tell her with another fake smile.

Casey beams at me and even through the computer screen I can feel the love penetrating from her. Her green eyes are loving and compassionate and it only makes my guilt increase when I look into them.

I can't anymore. This hurts too much. I need to make Casey go away and be alone with my thoughts.

I swallow harshly and prepare to lie to my sweet girlfriend again. "I actually am feeling pretty badly tonight. I hate to cut our chat session short, but I probably should take your advice and go lie down after all."

Casey smiles sympathetically. "That's fine, sweetheart. I wish I was there to baby you. Go to sleep and you'll feel better in the morning. I love you and I'll be home before you know it. Okay?"

All I can do is nod as I log off Skype and close the lid of the laptop. I sit there with it on my lap for several minutes, thinking about the events of the night. It's like I'm crippled with guilt. I can't seem to make myself move at all.

When I do finally make it to the bedroom, a very simple everyday object makes me break. Casey's favorite watch is sitting on the dresser. She forgot to put it on before she went to the airport. I pick it up and I immediately burst into tears.

I wish Casey were here right now. I wish I could cuddle up with her on the bed and have her hold me and tell me everything is okay even when I know it's not. She'd kiss me and tell me she loves me.

I didn't say it back to her this time. When Casey said goodbye on Skype, she told me she loved me. And for the first time in nearly a year I didn't return the sentiment.

I switch from extreme sadness to anger in a split second. I raise my hand and heave the watch across the bedroom as hard as I can. It hits the wall with a loud thud and falls to the floor, but I make no attempt to pick it up. I just sit on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands and my hatred for myself growing.

* * *

><p>The next day I am so busy at work that I don't even have time to think about the situation with Olivia. I'm on the go from the moment I walk through the doors until I finally have twenty minutes free to myself just after three PM. I have a headache and I'm starving but I know I can't waste my only free time running to get something to eat, so I decide to just head back to my office and catch up on some emails.<p>

As soon as I walk into my office, I stop dead in my tracks. There's a vase of flowers on my desk. Beautiful white roses, my favorite. I can smell their sweet fragrance as I approach the desk.

Dread immediately fills me. I know without even looking at the card that these are from Olivia. She used to get me white roses all the time. I used to love to receive them. But now I just want them out of my sight. I want to pick them up and just throw them into the trash, but something makes me reach out and take out the sentiment card that's tucked neatly between the roses.

And it says only four words, written neatly - _"Look in the closet."_

My eyes immediately go to the closet in the back of my office and I frown. Why the heck would I look in there? What has Olivia hidden inside?

I slowly approach the closet and pull the door open. And before I can react, there's an excited redhead in my arms. "Surprise!"

I'm so shocked to see Casey that I'm slow to respond to her embrace. Finally I wrap my arms around her and say, "Casey! This _is _a surprise! I'm so happy you're home!"

Casey pulls away from me, flashing me a smile and shoving a white teddy bear in my face. The bear is wearing a black suit and holding a sign that says, _'Someone in Washington Loves You.'_

My eyes actually tear up as I hold the bear. Casey _does _love me. This was such a sweet gesture. Flowers, surprising me, giving me this bear.

And I had thought the flowers were from Olivia. I was going to throw them away. I have the sweetest most loving girlfriend in the entire world and my first thought when I find flowers in my office is that they're from my ex-girlfriend whom I made out with the night before. I'm a real stellar human being.

"Alex? Are you okay?"

Casey's worried voice pulls me from my trance. I look up at her, trying to sniff back the tears and disusing how I feel with a smile. "I'm okay. I'm just having an off day."

"I thought you'd be happier to see me…is something wrong? Did I do something?"

God no, how could she possibly think that? Casey is _never _the one who is wrong!

"No!" I rush out much too quickly, and I realize that if I don't make Casey believe that everything is fine and normal, she's going to see right through me. My behavior is off and I'm not reacting normally to her…and she notices. My mind spins to find the right words. "No, Casey, you didn't do anything. I'm just still not feeling great and it's been a tough day. I have a lot on my mind. But seeing you, you being here…it makes it better. Really, it does." I have to prove my words, so I pull Casey into another hug. "I love the flowers and the bear. And more importantly, I love _you_. Thank you for doing this."

Embracing Casey feels awkward. It feels strange holding her in my arms. Almost as if I'm not worthy of such an honor anymore.

It's amazing how quickly things can change. Just a week ago holding Casey like this was the easiest, most natural thing in the world. Now it feels foreign to me.

I'm in shock of how easily I am able to lie to her again. This is the woman I love, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with – how am I able to look her in the eyes and lie to her?

Casey seems to accept the explanation I've given her. As she breaks the embrace, she presses a kiss to my lips. That too feels awkward and wrong; not like the warm feeling I used to get whenever she kissed me before.

"Okay. You do look pretty tired, Alex. Did you get any sleep last night?"

I shake my head. "Not much." That actually _isn't _a lie. I don't think I slept more than an hour last night. My tortured thoughts and a terrible nightmare of Casey leaving me kept me awake.

Casey gives me that sympathetic smile again and gently touches my cheek. "Don't work yourself too hard today, honey. Finish up quickly and come home. I'll make you something for dinner and we'll spend the evening together like always. You said I have to make up for that lost night, remember? That's what I plan to do. I love you, Alex. Please don't overstress yourself. That's probably why you're not feeling well. I'll have something special waiting for you at home."

_Please, Casey, don't – don't get me anything special or treat me so kindly. I don't deserve it._

I know nothing I can say right now is going to make Casey change her mind. "Don't go overboard, Case. I'll be home in a couple hours." Then I change the subject. "Don't you have to go to work?"

"Not until tomorrow. Talking to the Senator was my job today. And I earned every penny on that one, trust me."

I hadn't even thought about Casey's meeting with the Senator today. I hadn't thought about her coming home either. In fact, I hadn't thought about her at all today.

"I'm sorry; I was going to ask how that went. Was it bad?"

Casey shrugs. "We'll talk about it tonight. I know you don't have a lot of time right now."

"I can't believe you were waiting in my closet, Casey. How long had you been waiting in there? How did you know when I'd be back?"

Casey grins at me. "Your secretary told me what you had on your calendar this afternoon. I told her to buzz your office line when she saw you coming back. I'd been sitting in there waiting for over an hour before you got back. When she buzzed me I got in the closet." She wraps her arms around me again and kisses the top of my head. "Then I came out of the closet for you. _Again_."

Normally I'd be chuckling at that. Casey is adorable and her waiting in my closet is beyond cute. I love her cuteness and spontaneity. It always makes me smile and leaves me in the good mood for the rest of the day.

But not today. Today it doesn't even make me crack a smile. Today it only makes me feel worse.

I don't think I'll ever feel good enough for Casey again.

* * *

><p>The next couple of days pass without incident. I don't hear from Olivia at all and things get back to normal between me and Casey. She accepts that my strange behavior had been because I didn't feel well and doesn't bring it up again.<p>

I choose to put Olivia completely out of my mind. The guilt over what I did still eats at me, but I know that even though I made a mistake, I did the right thing and stopped it. And I also make up my mind that I can never tell Casey. As long as I'm sure it will never happen again, there's no reason to hurt her like that.

On Friday afternoon I decide to eat lunch in my office and I turn on the flat screen mounted on the wall and get the twelve o'clock news as background noise. I'm putting away some filing when hear the news anchor mention Senator Ryan Palmer's name. I turn away from my file cabinet and look at the TV.

She's talking about the case that Casey is working on. Palmer had been accused of having a sexual affair with his children's nanny and two days after that story hit the papers and news, she was found murdered in the woods just off a bike trial in Brooklyn by two joggers. She had been strangled and there was no forensic evidence left at the scene. It was discovered that she had had sexual intercourse just hours before she died but the semen evidence had been contaminated by rain.

Palmer is high on the suspect list and, being a public official, he is the only one anyone is talking about. He's come out and admitted he did have a sexual relationship with the nanny but denies having anything to do with her murder.

Casey filled me in on all the details a couple days ago when she came home from Washington. She had finally gotten a chance to speak with him and told me that after pouring through every note and report on the case and after having actually talked to him, she believes that he _is _innocent.

Casey had asked me to look over the case files and give me her opinion. I did…and from a prosecutor's standpoint I'd say he's got guilty written all over him.

The show a clip of the Senator coming out of a building and being swarmed with reporters. He's being shouted at and of course gives the standard "No comment," and walks away. The line of a guilty man.

I'm about to go back to my filing when another name catches my attention and makes me look up again. My girlfriend's name. She's being interviewed on the steps outside of the courthouse in Brooklyn. It's from today; she was wearing that suit this morning.

Casey is asked about the Senator's case and informs the reporter that no official charges have yet been brought against the Senator and she is not allowed to discuss specifics. I smile at her professionalism. Good girl, Casey.

And then it goes downhill from there. The reporter asks Casey if she can render an opinion.

I get asked this all the time and my answer is always the same, an automatic "I'm not here to form opinions on my cases, I'm here to read the evidence and prosecute accordingly."

I fully expect Casey to recite something along those lines. But instead she does the worst thing she can possibly do; she actually _does _give her opinion.

"After personally speaking to Senator Palmer, I believe him to be innocent."

There. She said it. It's forever immortalized on film. I grab the TV remote off my desk and actually turn off the TV and sit back down, shaking my head. I can't believe she just did that! The Brooklyn DA is probably about to tear her head off. If she was one of my ADAs I'd be on my way to her office already. And I'll bet her phone lines are already ringing.

I forget all about my lunch and shoot Casey a text message. _I saw your interview on the news. What were you thinking?_

Only a few seconds elapse before I get my response. _That he's innocent. I have court. We'll talk later. _

That ruins my entire day. I know Casey is getting an ass-chewing and honestly, I'm finding it hard to have sympathy for her. She knows better than to shoot her mouth off about something like that. But at the same time I love her and don't want her to be punished.

Ugh, Casey, why are you constantly doing this to yourself?

* * *

><p>"He's innocent, Alex," Casey says for the millionth time, crossing her arms in front of her chest and sitting down beside me on the couch.<p>

We have the entire case file spread out on the coffee table in front of us. It's after eleven PM and we've been at it since seven. Casey has spent nearly the whole time trying to convince me of the Senator's innocence. But based on what I am seeing here, just like before, it sounds like a guilty verdict to me.

"Casey," I say gently, leaning over and going through the stack of reports for one in particular. "A witness came forward and said they saw a man fitting the Senator's description walking with the victim on the night she disappeared. She said they had been arguing. She had intercourse sometime that evening…"

"They weren't able to get any usable DNA; there's no way to prove it was the Senator. Would he _really _be stupid enough to keep having sex with her after the affair became public? And that witness came forward _after _he was named as a suspect. That doesn't prove anything."

"Okay, I agree; but it's a pretty big coincidence that she ends up dead after their affair is made public. And he's a politician, Casey. I know I aspire to be one of them, but let's face facts; most of them are not upstanding citizens."

"So just because he's a public figure that means it's more likely to be him that killed her instead of Joe Nobody?" She sounds angry now. I'm ruffling her feathers. This doesn't happen often.

"No, that's not what I mean. I just meant…" I trail off and sigh. I know what I want to say but Casey won't receive it in a good way right now. For some reason she's very defensive about this case and it's making her angrier than she should be. "Never mind. Just tell me why you think he's innocent. You keep saying he is but you haven't given me a valid reason why. Why do you feel so strongly?"

She locks her eyes on mine to convey the seriousness of what she is about to say. "Because I sat there face to face with him and listened to him say how sorry he was about hurting his wife and his children so badly. A grown man, elected to Congress, almost broke down and cried right there in front of me. He told me he broke off all communication with the nanny and had an alibi for every day and night between when she disappeared and when she was found, which was three days. But more than that, I just _felt _it. I deal with liars all the time. I know when someone is lying or hiding something from me. In this job you learn to recognize it. But he wasn't lying, or hiding anything. I saw the truth of what he was saying in his eyes. He's innocent, Alex. As soon as I left his office I knew I had just spoken to an innocent man."

Our jobs are not supposed to be driven by gut feelings but I do understand where Casey is coming from. I have had to prosecute several people that I wasn't one-hundred percent sure that they were guilty. It's very hard to do, but in all those cases by the end of the trial after hearing witness testimony I had known I took the right stance. Every one I was unsure about ended up being guilty.

"How does your DA feel about this? Did she read you up one wall and down the other?" I ask tentatively, not wanting Casey to do the same thing to me.

Casey looks away in shame. "Yes. I stood in her office and got reprimanded for my public 'statement'. But that doesn't change how I feel about it. I told her I had strong feelings for the case and asked that it be assigned to another homicide ADA, but she wouldn't. She told me to put my feelings aside and do my job. But I'm telling you this, Alex; if charges are brought against him, I _will not _prosecute him. He's innocent and I'm not putting an innocent man away."

I sigh in frustration and shake my head again. Casey can be so...difficult sometimes. Hard-headed. "Casey…you're a prosecutor. You have to do what the DA tells you. If she wouldn't assign the case to another ADA, you have no choice. If it comes to him having to go to trial, you don't have a choice. I'm sorry to say."

She looks at me again, her expression dead serious and unwavering. "I do have a choice. I won't do it."

"So you'd commit career suicide for a man who cheated on his wife? After what you've been through?" I ask in exasperation.

And then I realize the irony of what I've just said. I cheated on Casey not even a week ago…granted it wasn't sex, but it was enough. And bringing up Casey's relationship past - did I _really_ have to go down that road?

She's full-on pissed now. And she has every right to be. That was a really low thing to say.

"I can't believe you just said that, Alex," she says, more out of sadness than anger. But it quickly switches back to anger. "So because he's a cheater he deserves to go away even if he is innocent? And just because he's a public figure he has to face more suspicion than anyone else, and see his mistake broadcast on TV and rubbed in his face every day?"

Every cheater should be locked up. Every one of them is as low as I've felt for the past five days. I should be locked up with them and the key should be thrown away.

"No, Casey, what I'm saying is that you have to follow the evidence and prosecute any case that comes to you, regardless of how you feel about it personally. I know you don't listen to anyone ever, but listen to me for once. If you go against your DA's wishes on this, you will be fired. It's a high-profile case. You can't screw it up, Casey."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Because I'm so good at that, right? Screwing things up? It's just expected that I'd do that, right?"

I sigh again. Arguing with Casey is exhausting. She's right even when she's wrong. "That isn't what I meant at all and you know it. Cool down a little. Listen to reason. I'm only trying to help you."

"Telling me to prosecute someone that I believe is innocent doesn't help me at all, Alex. I'm appalled you'd even suggest such a thing! As DA, would you pressure one of your ADAs to do the same thing? Would _you _do the same thing?"

I consider the question carefully before I answer, and conclude that there is no answer I can give that won't result in Casey getting even more worked up. So I tell the truth. "Yes. I would. If the evidence went that way, no matter how I was feeling…yes, I would prosecute him. I follow the evidence. It's what we're supposed to do."

I can tell that isn't what Casey wanted to hear. She looks away from me in disappointment. "Wow. I really learned something about you. I thought you had morals. I thought you were better than that."

"Casey, this doesn't have to turn personal. I was only – "

Casey throws up her hands. "You know what? Just forget it." She leans forward and starts packing up the case files. "I never should have asked for your input. I should have known why you would feel the way you do about this."

I frown in confusion as I watch her gather all the papers and close them into her briefcase. "And why is that?"

"Never mind," she tosses over her shoulder as she gets up off the couch and grabs the briefcase. "It's my fault; I asked you. So never mind."

I stand up and catch her arm, preventing her from making an escape. I want to know what she means by that comment. "No; what did you mean by you know _why _I would feel the way I do about this?"

Casey doesn't want to look at me but she does so anyway and I see anger and disappointment flashing in her eyes. "Because everything you do in your career is for advancement. You said it yourself; this is a high-profile case. And on a high-profile case such as this, someone who would want to advance themselves would take the popular stance. Send the man to jail even if he's innocent just to bring in the votes and make the headlines. If this was your case, you'd have him hanging from a noose already. But I don't operate that way, Alex; I stand by what I believe, no matter what it means for my career. My career isn't the most important thing in my life, like it is in yours."

And now I'm angry too. I was feeling compassionate for Casey…but all that is gone now. She's attacking my morals and I won't stand for it.

"Let me tell you something, Casey. If you were my ADA, you wouldn't be on this case. Something like this is beyond your ability. Not because you're not good enough, but because you don't know where to draw the line and you don't have a filter on your mouth. You did the stupidest thing ever by publicly voicing your opinion and had I been your boss you not only would be off the case but you'd be suspended for not thinking before you spoke. The Senator is dirty, Casey. It's an open and shut case. A case even a first year ADA could prosecute and win. But if it's too difficult for you, by all means run from it then."

Anger and hurt flashes across Casey's face again. "Is that what you think I'm doing? Running away from it?"

I hadn't wanted to say that, but now that I have I might as well own up to it. "Yes, I do. This is the biggest case you've ever faced and you're still so insecure about yourself that you'd rather just refuse to prosecute it than get up there and face failure. That's not the way to be successful in this job, and you know it."

Casey looks away again. "The fact that you even think that is…" She stops and shakes her head and I swear I see tears in her eyes. "I guess I know now how you really feel about me."

She walks away, and I don't attempt to stop her this time. I watch her go down the hall and disappear into our bedroom where she emerges seconds later carrying my pillow and a blanket. She angrily tosses them onto the couch and says, "You can sleep out here tonight. You've earned that." She disappears back down the hall again and I hear our bedroom door slam.

I sit back down and hold my head in both hands. This is such a mess. Why is everything in life so frustrating? Why do I love Casey so much but get so angry at her at the same time?

The Senator is guilty, that I'm sure of. If Casey could read people as well as she claimed, she'd know I've been hiding something big from he for almost a week.

And then I think of Olivia again. How good it felt sitting on this very couch with her re-living the good old days. How the passion and the spark were there again and I was happy…

Olivia and I have to talk seriously without me getting angry and running away. We have to face this. It's affecting my life more than I wanted to admit. We have to decide if what we have is just residual feelings…or still the real thing. I have to know.

I look at my watch. It's eleven-thirty-five. Not too late for a visit. I know Olivia is still up.

I put my shoes back on and gather my car keys. I don't bother with a jacket; I don't want to go into the bedroom to get it. I don't even leave Casey a note. Let her worry about me; she deserves it.

Almost fifteen minutes later I'm getting out of my car in front of Olivia's apartment complex.

**Uh-oh. Do you think it's trouble? What did you think of this chapter? Are things falling apart for Alex and Casey? Or is this going to make them stronger? Please review and tell me what you think!**


	29. Chapter 29

**A quick update this week! Really invested in this chapter and I hope it doesn't disappoint! Over 500 reviews...thank you SO MUCH! You guys are awesome :) Enjoy this one! **

Less than ten minutes after I park in front of Olivia's apartment building I'm standing in front of her door. I raise my fist to knock but hesitate; not out of fear but because it's nearly midnight and I don't want to wake her in case she may be sleeping.

But somehow I make myself take the chance and knock anyway. And less than a minute later I hear footsteps approach the door and then it's cracked open a little. Olivia is looking out at me, her brown eyes open wide in shock. She opens the door all the way and I see she's in her robe and slippers and I can see the glow of her television screen in the darkness. Obviously she's been kept awake too. Probably by the same thing that's been plaguing me.

"Alex…I'm surprised to see you…"

I manage a small smile. "I apologize for the late hour. But I needed to talk to you."

Olivia reads the urgency written on my face and motions for me to come inside. She closes the door behind me, and I tell you, that door closing behind me is one of the most terrifying sounds I've ever heard. It means I'm in _her _apartment now and no one knows I'm here and anything could happen between us. Knowing how we both feel…it scares me.

Olivia invites me to sit down on the couch and turns on the overhead light. When she sits back down it's on the opposite end of the couch, which I'm thankful for.

I know I'm obligated to open this conversation, so I do so. "Casey and I had a fight."

Olivia's expression transforms to surprise. "Did you tell her about what we did?"

I shake my head vigorously. "No. It was about a case she's working on. We just…" I don't know how to explain it to her. There is no way to word it that wouldn't make me sound like a world class bitch, which I guess I am. I basically told my girlfriend that she should compromise herself for the sake of her job. "It doesn't even matter what the fight was about. I was out of line with her."

"Do you want to talk about the fight?" Olivia asks me hesitantly.

"No. Not really. That's not what I came here to talk about."

I'm interrupted by my cell phone ringing. It's Casey. I watch her name flash across my caller ID and feel guiltier and lower with every ring until it finally goes to voicemail.

"Casey?" Olivia asks, pulling me from my thoughts. I nod at her. "You should call her back; she's probably worried."

I stare at my touchscreen for several seconds until the voicemail icon appears, indicating a new message. I know I should listen to it. Olivia is probably right; she is most likely worried about me. I left home without leaving a note and it's after midnight now. Calling her and letting her know I'm okay would be the respectful thing to do.

But I can't face her right now. Not even over the phone.

"I'll text her in a little while," I say, sitting the phone down on the cushion beside me. Soon it's forgotten and my attention is on Olivia. "I came here to talk to you. Again I'm sorry for just showing up, but I was upset and…"

"And you came here." Olivia can't hide her smile as she says that, as if she's celebrating a small internal victory. "That makes me feel wonderful that you still trust me enough to come to me, Alex."

"I don't know if I do trust you, Liv; that's the thing. I can't deny that I do still have feelings for you. They came back as soon as you did. And it's been hard getting you off my mind. And I realize you feel the same way, but…" I have to stop and take a deep breath. "But what I'm trying to say is that I don't know if my feelings for you are real. I'm so confused right now, Liv. I'm conflicted. I love Casey and I've been going back and forth these past few days trying to decide if I still love you too…and I can't come up with an answer at all. I don't know. I don't know _what _I'm feeling. You were gone for a year and I moved on and now you're back stirring up these emotions and pressuring me and the fact is I don't know what to do. I'm with Casey and I love Casey and what we did was unforgiveable. I shouldn't have allowed it to happen. It _can't _happen again, Liv."

Olivia looks like she's considering what I said very carefully. She slides closer to me and I feel momentarily uncomfortable until our knees touch and I'm filled with that familiar warm feeling again. "I know this is a lot to take in, Alex. And I know you're in an impossible place. It's clear you do love Casey and she loves you too and this must be insanely difficult for you and I'm sorry. But what happened at your apartment happened because we both felt the same thing. We're still feeling it. Those feelings that you can't define are real, Alex. They're as real as mine. And by saying it can never happen again means you're just in denial about how you're really feeling."

I wish she wasn't here. I wish she hadn't come back. I wish I was home in bed with my girlfriend and everything was normal. I wish I didn't know that Olivia is right.

"Alex," Olivia takes my hand and turns so she's completely facing me. "I came back here for _you_. Not for the city or the job. For _you_. I didn't know you were with someone. As soon as I discovered you were with Casey I thought about going back to California and leaving you alone. But leaving you a second time terrified me too much. And as wrong as it is, as crappy as it sounds…I'm determined to win you back. You belong with me. Not with Casey. She walks around every day in search of a new battle. She doesn't care what she says or does. She reflects badly on you, Alex, whether you realize it or not."

I know I should defend Casey. She's been so good to me and Olivia has no right to bad-mouth her. I open my mouth to interject, but the words don't come.

Olivia releases my hand and runs her own hand up my thigh, making all my nerves stand on end even though she's just touching me through my jeans. It feels so wrong, but so right at the same time.

"Remember how perfect we were, Alex? How we fit together," she picks up my hand again, "like a mold? How natural our relationship was? We never had to think about it…it always just fell together. I love you, Alex. I always will. My heart will always belong to you."

Her words have memorized me and I just nod dumbly like a cyborg that's been programmed to serve and obey her.

Olivia's hands move up under my shirt and I allow them to wander there. As she's exploring she leans over and places a kiss to my lips. I try to pull away, to snap myself out of this, but I can't. I deepen the kiss and I start to probe her chest too when my cell phone rings yet again, startling us both and causing us to break apart and laugh lightly.

It's Casey again. As soon as I see her name, I feel that awful nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

"Text her and tell her not to worry. I have to go to the bathroom." Olivia pats me on the knee and gets up and I'm not able to function until I hear the bathroom door close.

Casey has left another message. My hands are shaking as I raise the phone to my ear and play her first message.

"_Hey Alex, it's me. I wanted to apologize for getting so upset. I came out to the living room to apologize but I guess you went for a drive or went to a hotel, and I don't blame you. I'm sorry. I was really wrong. It just really hurt to hear that you don't support me on my stance regarding Senator Palmer. But that's your right, Alex. Even though we're in love we're still allowed to disagree. I completely overreacted to everything you said. And while I'm not backing down and I still won't prosecute the case, I will respect your opinion and accept the fact that we just don't agree on this. And I know you don't think I screw everything up. I'm sorry I said that."_ There's a pause, and then she adds, _"I'm rambling now so I'll shut up. We'll talk when you get home. I love you."_

I'm nearly in tears when the next message starts. _"It's me again. If you don't want to come home tonight I understand. But please let me know you're okay. If you're coming home I'll wait up for you. I'm really sorry, baby. I'll see you soon. I love you so much." _

What the hell am I doing? I have the most wonderful girlfriend in the entire world that right now is home worried about me after a stupid fight we had. And instead of being home with her, I'm at my ex-girlfriend's house talking about feelings I still have for her and allowing her to kiss me.

I can't stay here. I have to go home. Back to Casey where I belong. This is a big mistake.

I'm just gathering up my purse and car keys when Olivia comes back into the living room. It takes her all of about five seconds to figure out I am getting ready to leave. "Alex? Where are you going?"

"I have to go home," I tell her quickly. "I – I made a mistake. I shouldn't have come here. Casey is home and she loves me, and – "

"Alex," Olivia takes my arm and faces me. "_I _love you. It's killing me to not be with you. I know you love me too."

I shake my head. "No. I _don't_, Olivia." The words are a lie. I'm not sure if I love her, but I'm also not sure if I don't. But I do love Casey; of that I have no doubt.

Olivia takes a step forward and touches my check gently. The touch feels more welcome and warm than I'd like it to. "You still have feelings but you won't know if it's love unless we're together. We haven't spent enough time together…and all we've done is kiss. You won't know, Alex, and that's what makes this so hard."

My heart has never felt this way before. I thought I knew pain when Olivia left me broken and alone. But this is worse. Knowing that I'm betraying Casey in the worst way like all her scum exes did. I'm no better than them.

"Just stay tonight. We don't have to do anything. But we need to talk more about this."

I shake my head. "I can't. I'm sorry, Liv. I want to go home to Casey. She's the one I love."

Olivia's expression is pained, but she doesn't give up. "You don't love her, Alex. You only _thought _you did. Until your true love came back. But go ahead, go home to her. You'll find out. You need to discover it for yourself. You'll drift further and further apart. And then you'll see you were meant to be with me." She picks up my hand and squeezes it. "I'll be waiting, Alex. I won't give up on us."

I sling my purse over my shoulder. "Well you will be waiting a long time, then." Then I turn away from Olivia and leave her apartment.

Her words about only thinking I love Casey are still haunting me. Because right now, I'm not sure about anything.

* * *

><p>It's almost one AM when I get home. I find Casey curled up on the couch watching TV, wearing one of her gray sweatshirts. As soon as she sees me she stands and offers me a small smile.<p>

I want to run to her and take her in my arms and tell her what happened. I want to tell her that Olivia and I kissed and made out when she was in Washington, and I want to tell her how far it almost got tonight. I want to apologize and get down on my knees and beg for her forgiveness. Because if I don't…the guilt will kill me.

But I don't do any of those things. I stand in front of the couch looking at Casey, suddenly feeling like a stranger in my own home. I shouldn't be here. I kissed my ex and let her touch me and I touched her and now I'm returning home to this sweet woman like nothing happened.

Casey doesn't let me stand there long. She gets up and approaches me, throwing her arms around me and squeezing me hard. "I am so sorry, Alex."

She's apologizing to me and this is wrong. She has nothing to be sorry about. I'm the one who owes the apology.

"It's okay, Casey; I got your messages. It's okay, really." I pat her on the back and smile at her when she pulls away and looks at me.

"Where did you go?" she asks, wiping tears from her eyes with her sleeve.

"Just for a drive. Went to that all night coffee place and I was sitting inside when you called."

I can't believe how easily I am able to lie to her. I am so disgusted with myself that I feel like I'll be sick. It should not be this easy to lie to the woman I love.

Casey believes me. There is no hint of doubt on her face or in her words. "I'm sorry I drove you away. I was being pretty ridiculous, expecting you to side with me. We disagree, and that's that. I have to stop getting worked up about things like this."

"I was worked up too. And I'm also sorry. I should have been more supportive. I just don't want to see you sabotage a career you worked so hard for, that's all. But I respect you have your morals and have to do what you feel is morally right. Don't compromise yourself for anyone, Casey, not even me. You were meant to be exactly the way you are. We just had an argument, that's all. It doesn't have to mean more than that," I tell her, trying desperately to believe my own words.

"We weren't even arguing, we were just having a relationship. Fighting and disagreement is all part of a relationship. It's normal. _We're _normal." Casey grins. "Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean."

I can't help but smile too. "Speak for yourself. I'm perfectly normal."

Casey closes the space between us with her body and soon she's pressed against me, kissing me aggressively. I kiss her back but after the events of the evening my heart isn't in it…and I hope she doesn't notice.

"You're not perfectly normal, baby," Casey says, kissing my neck and taking my hand. "You're just _perfect_."

My face actually turns red. I wish Casey wouldn't speak that way. It always embarrasses me, but now it's actually unbearable to hear. "Casey, no one is perfect…"

"You are. I love you, Alex. And I'm actually glad we fought tonight because that just proves we have a healthy relationship." She quickly switches gears and starts pulling on my hand. "Come on. I am taking my perfect girlfriend to bed. _Bed_. Not the couch."

I obediently follow Casey, my heart falling all the way down to my feet. I feel sad and sick and beyond confused. Casey loves me – adores me, even – and I did the worst thing I could possibly do…and I'm hiding it from her.

Casey gets me into bed and within seconds the light is out and she's all over me. She kisses my neck again and whispers in my ear, "You okay, baby? You're really quiet."

"I'm okay," I lie, even though I'm anything but. I don't make any attempt to touch Casey back. I can't.

Casey is rubbing my back now, her breath right on my neck. Normally this turns me on and I'll turn to face her and give her exactly what she wants, but not tonight. I don't feel worthy of Casey tonight.

"I think we should officially make up," Casey rasps into my ear, completely oblivious to how I'm feeling. "Come on, my Alex, tomorrow is Saturday. We don't have work."

I want to. I want to so badly. But I can't. Not now. It's ruined for me. I don't know if I'll ever feel as comfortable with Casey as I did before. "I'm really tired tonight and have a headache. Can we just go to sleep?" I practically beg, stroking Casey's arm so she won't think I've gone cold on her.

"Okay. Let's go to sleep." Casey can't hide the disappointment in her voice and I feel her settle beside me and in no time at all she's attached to me like a baby koala bear, just like every other night.

But I don't want it tonight. I don't want Casey's touch. I want to be alone with my thoughts and wallow in self-pity.

I shake Casey off me. "Not tonight, Casey. No cuddling tonight. Please. My head really hurts."

But of course Casey doesn't get off me. "Aw, honey," Casey says sweetly. "You want me to go get you something? Anything at all? Maybe an Aspirin? Feel free to lay on me. You know that always makes you feel better."

Why is she so kind and caring? Why does she love me so much? If she knew the truth, what I did…she wouldn't love me.

I manage to untangle myself from Casey and I get out of bed, switching on the bedside lamp. Casey sits up, confusion written across her face as if she's afraid she did something wrong.

I'm already hurting her. I can't stand this. With a shaking voice I manage to say, "I'm going to go sleep on the couch after all. I just need to be alone tonight, okay? Nothing's wrong, I just…need to be alone. Please stay in here and let me be."

Casey nods sadly, hurt evident on her face. "Okay. Good night, Alex. I love you."

I nod back and quickly switch off the lamp so Casey won't see the tears rolling down my cheek. I don't return her 'I love you' as I leave the bedroom and close the door behind me.

Things are already different between us. And somehow I know they will never be the same.

* * *

><p>The next morning I am awakened by noise coming from the kitchen. I'm always slow to wake so I lie on the couch for several minutes, confused as to why I'm there and not in bed until the events of the previous evening come back to me.<p>

I remember the heartbreaking look on Casey's face when I told her I wanted to sleep on the couch and to leave me alone. She was absolutely devastated and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Yesterday was a bad day all around. We fought, I seeked refuge at Olivia's, Olivia and I made out, and then I hurt Casey. All in the span of only a few hours. I'm really talented when it comes to that kind of thing.

I get up and pad into the kitchen, not even bothering to go into the bathroom and make myself look presentable. Casey is used to me in the morning. I shouldn't be too shocking to look at.

The aroma of bacon hits me right in the face as I enter the kitchen and find Casey standing over the skillet with her back to me. She's fully clothed and has her long hair pulled back into a ponytail. That's a rare look for her and I'm kind of surprised to see it.

She's not yet aware that I have joined her so I step right up beside her and put on a smile. "Good morning, beautiful."

She doesn't even look away from her bacon as she says, "Good morning," rather coolly.

My smile vanishes. She's upset with me. She's usually so chipper and happy in the morning and can't keep her hands off me. Right now she won't even look at me. But I guess I deserve that.

"I'm sorry about last night. I just needed some time alone. You understand, right?"

I watch as Casey slowly drains the bacon grease and puts the bacon on a plate. It's then I notice that she's only made enough for one. She hasn't made me anything. And Casey _always _makes me breakfast.

"Yep. I got it. No worries." Casey steps around me and takes a can of soda from the fridge and then sits down at the table. She practically slams her plate down and that's when I realize she's more angry than upset.

This is all my fault, and I know it. I'm completely destroying my relationship with Casey and it's going to take a lot for me to repair it. She's done nothing wrong; it's all _me_. I'm hiding the biggest secret in the world from her and that's not right.

I have to come clean. I have to tell her. Not right now…but soon. I can't walk around with this secret anymore. I have no idea what I want to do but I know if I tell Casey I will feel better. But I need a couple days to gather my thoughts and tell her in just the right away. Not here, not now.

I decide not to call Casey out on being angry with me. So I plaster on another smile and sit across from Casey at the table. "So what are we doing today?"

This time she looks at me. "I'm going for a bike ride. Haven't been on one in a long time. That's what _I'm _doing. What you do is up to you."

Her words sting. She's never this cold with me and she always wants to be with me every second of our weekends.

I clear my throat and gather my thoughts. "Casey…I'm sorry about last night. Please don't be like this."

She looks at me again and scoffs. "You're telling_ me _not to be like this? It's not about last night, Alex. Not about our fight, anyway."

"Is it because I wanted to sleep on the couch?"

Casey shakes her head. "No, Alex, it isn't. You're entitled to some alone time. What's wrong is you treated me like I was some kind of stranger. You didn't even want to touch me. You didn't tell me you loved me back. That hurt, Alex. I knew something was wrong and you wouldn't tell me and that's…that's unacceptable. We agreed to tell each other everything. I stayed awake all night worrying about you. I love you, Alex, and you really hurt me last night and that's what I'm upset about."

I didn't know it was possible to feel worse, but I do. I want to burst into tears and curse out this universe for doing this to me. Curse out Olivia for coming back and messing up my perfect life with Casey.

"Nothing's wrong, Casey. It's just…" I trail off. I have to lie to her. I can't tell her about Olivia right now; it's too soon and I need more time. I quickly think of something believable to tell her. "It's about work. After we fought I was thinking about it and it just got me in a funk. I know I said I would try to leave work at work, but this is really bothering me."

"Then let's talk about it. Tell me what it is and maybe I can help."

Oh my God, I wish she would stop being so sweet. She's switched from being angry to being concerned so quickly that I almost can't believe it. She's concerned…and I'm lying to her.

I sigh deeply. I really hate this. "I can't tell you right now, Casey; I'm sorry."

All the concern is gone. She gives me a quick, "Fine," as she gets up from the table and empties her plate into the garbage. She didn't even eat half of her bacon.

I stand as well. "Casey – "

She turns around quickly, dropping the plate into the sink and holding her hand up to me. I swear I can see tears in her eyes. "Alex – stop. I think you had the right idea last night after all. We both need alone time. I'm going for my bike ride; I'll be back later. Have a good day."

I watch her disappear down the hall towards our bedroom to get ready for her ride and I just stand in the middle of the kitchen, knowing full well that whatever happens to me is of my own doing.

* * *

><p>I'm only able to stay home alone for a little more than an hour. After Casey leaves I sit alone on the couch and attempt to compose myself and form some kind of plan as to what I want to do about the Olivia situation. I try to think of a delicate way to confess to Casey what I have done…but there is no delicate way. And how can I tell her when I'm not yet sure myself what exactly it is between Olivia and I?<p>

All the thinking and guilt starts to drive me insane, so I grab my car keys and go for a drive. I stop at the grocery store and get a few items that I know we are out of. And then I take the back way home to kill some more time out of the apartment.

It's then that I see it. The pet store on the corner. It's a small family owned pet store and one I've never been in; I don't have pets so I have had no reason to go in. Before now.

I drive past it, pushing aside the dumb idea that had popped into my head. No. We don't need a pet. I'm not crazy about animals.

But Casey is. She loves them. I know she badly wants a dog and though we are allowed to have them in our apartment complex, I don't really want a dog in the apartment ruining the hardwood floors and shedding all over the furniture and carpet. I promised her a dog when we get a house….if we ever do now. But there _are_ other pets besides dog. And Casey would love a pet. I could at least look, right?

I pull into the pharmacy parking lot to turn around and I'm smiling as I head back to the pet store. I'm picturing Casey's happy face as I present her with her new little friend…whatever that turns out to be. She'll love it and hopefully it will help make her feel better.

I'm completely aware that I'm doing this out of guilt and it's wrong, but I don't care. I don't know what else to do.

I go inside and I'm immediately greeted by the cashier behind the counter, whose nametag claims her to be Kristen. There are bird cages filled with colorful birds on one side of me as I enter and shelves of bird supplies on the other side.

Birds…no, I don't think so. Too noisy and messy.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" Kristen asks as she sees me scanning the store in determination. "Is there anything in particular you are looking for?"

"I'm looking for a pet for my girlfriend. Something other than a bird."

Kristen laughs lightly. "Okay. We do have other animals. Do you have anything in mind?"

I shake my head. I hadn't thought about it, really. I just know I want to get her a pet.

"I'm not sure, that's why I came in. Can you show me what you have?"

"Sure. Are you looking for companionship, low maintenance? Do you know if you want a reptile or a regular animal?"

A reptile – absolutely not! I am not sharing my apartment with any animal that doesn't have fur. I shudder. "No reptiles, please. Something with fur. We have an apartment so I'm looking for something relatively small and easy to take care of it."

Kristen nods and takes me down the first aisle we come to. I see cages all around me and recognize hamsters and guinea pigs. "A rodent is a good low maintenance pet. If you both work it would be ideal because they don't require a lot of attention. They can be kept in wire cages that are easy to clean. But they are nocturnal and very active at night, so you'd want to place the cage in an area where it wouldn't keep you awake." She stops in front of a large wire cage and gestures toward it. "For adults, the rodent I recommend is a rat. They are very highly intelligent and social. And the two we have right now have already been socialized and love to be handled." She opens the cage and fetches a white and black small rat from the back of the cage. "They're still pretty young. Both females." She places the rat on her hand and strokes its back. "Would you like to hold her?"

I shudder again and take a step back. I hate rodents, especially rats! They stink and are dirty…and their bald tails creep me out.

"No thanks…I don't think a rodent is a good fit. I'm not a fan of them." I feel guilty as Kristen returns the rat to the cage. "I realize I'm getting it for my girlfriend and not myself, but I do have to live with it too."

Kristen turns around and smiles at me. "That's perfectly fine. They aren't for everyone. I'll show you what else we have."

We go down the next aisle and Kristen shows me a couple rabbits. One is pure white and fluffy and the other is brown and white. She opens the cage and they both run from her when she reaches from them. "They are still a little flighty but will easy become socialized."

A rabbit is not as bad as a rat. Not thrilling, but not quite as bad. They are cute. Kristen gets a hold of the white one and I hesitantly pet it. It's very soft, like cotton.

I find myself smiling. "Are they easy to take care of? Messy? How big do they get?"

"These are small rabbits. They won't get much bigger than they are now. And they also can be kept in wire cages that are easy clean. However, their bedding needs changing more frequently and they _can _be a little messy. They too are nocturnal and will sometimes throw their bedding through the wires of their cage and create quite a mess on the floor. I'm speaking from experience here. I owned two rabbits and had to vacuum in front of their cage daily. Other than that, they are great pets."

I frown. That kills that idea. I'm looking for something not messy that will not create a lot of work for Casey or myself. A rabbit does not seem to fit that criteria, despite the fact that they're cute.

I tell Kristin I'll pass on a rabbit and she appears thoughtful, and then a smile spreads across her face. "I know what may be a perfect fit for you. Follow me."

I follow her to the back of the store where we stop in front of a huge three-leveled cage. There are small blankets and hammocks hung all over the cage and I spy what seems to be a litter box in the corner. But I don't see any animals.

Kristen has the cage open and I watch as she reaches into a plastic hideaway shaped like an igloo and pulls out a furry sable colored animal. I know what it is immediately and I jump back. "That's a weasel!"

Kristin laughs and pets it. "It's not a weasel; it's a ferret. And he's a baby. He's the only one we have left. He came in with three of his sisters and he's the only little guy we still have. He's such a doll, too, and adorable." She holds him out to me. He is tiny and his tail is short and black.

I hesitate to hold him. "It looks like a giant rodent. A rat with fur on its tail."

"Ferrets aren't actually in the rodent family. And you'll find they are much more interactive and intelligent than a rodent. They use a litter box and we don't recommend bedding; usually owners line the bottom of the cage with fleece blankets and supply hammocks and pouches for the ferret to sleep in."

I swallow and reach out and take the little guy. He's calm and doesn't squirm at all and as I look at him, I realize he _is _cute and not rat-like at all, besides his beady black eyes. He weighs practically nothing. I smile as I look back at Kristen. "How big do they get?"

"He's a male, neutered, and they average between two to four pounds. Four being on the big side."

That's not too bad. Smaller than a cat. "Do they stay in the cage all the time?"

"We recommend they do get daily exercise but they can be very inquisitive so you would need to have him out to play in a room where he could not go into trouble. And we do sell ferret harnesses; they love to go for walks."

I can just picture Casey walking a ferret in the park. They would look adorable together.

"Do they need any kind of shots or anything?" I ask, still petting the ferret.

"Rabies and distemper, yearly. Especially important if he will go outside. I'll give you an info sheet and you can also read all about them online." Kristin watches me interact with the ferret. "You seem to like him."

I _do_, but will Casey?

I'm going to take my chances. I hand the ferret back to Kristin and say, "I'll take him. Get me a cage and whatever else I'll need and I'll take him home today."

* * *

><p>Once I get the car parked back in our parking garage, I decide to leave the box containing the cage and the other supplies in the car until I get the ferret inside. Or I may wait until Casey comes home so she can help me; they box is pretty big and heavy. And I'm sure putting it together will be fun.<p>

So I grab my purse and the white box which holds Casey's new friend and head inside.

The doorman on duty this afternoon – Bob – eyes the box and gives me a smile. "Decided to get a pet, huh?"

"It's for Casey," I tell him quickly. _It's an ass-kissing gift_, I want to add but don't. "A ferret."

Bob seems interested so I open the box and show him the ferret. He thinks it's the cutest little thing ever and proceeds to tell me about his son's cat while he stands there holding him and I stand there politely listening until he hands him back and I box him back up. We part ways and I get in the elevator, feeling apprehensive. I hope this goes well.

As soon as I enter the apartment, I hear voices and laughter coming from the kitchen. I frown in confusion; Casey is back from her ride already? And she's entertaining a guest?

I toss my keys onto the coffee table like usual and casually stroll into the kitchen, still holding the box. And I stop dead in my tracks.

Casey and Olivia are sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, both looking up as I enter.

Seeing my ex-girlfriend that I've been carrying on with and my current serious girlfriend sitting at my kitchen table smiling and laughing together is the most frightening thing I've ever seen in my life.

The three of us can't be together – in any context. I am not a good actress and there's no way I can act like nothing is going on between Olivia and me. It's beyond my abilities. And what is she doing here, anyway?

I stand there dumbly, clutching the box containing the ferret and staring at Olivia and Casey as if they both sprouted second heads. And the only words I can utter are, "What is…_she_ doing here?"

Casey and Olivia look at each other and Casey looks quickly back at me. "Alex, don't be rude! Olivia just came by to apologize to me about the tension between us a few days ago. We got to talking."

Her mood has lifted. She appears happy, her earlier anger vanished.

I'm being careful not to look at Olivia again, and I hope that isn't too obvious. I keep my full attention on Casey but I can feel Olivia's eyes on me. "I thought you were going for a bike ride…"

"I did," Casey says, and then her eyes wander to the box in my hands. "What's _that_?"

I had forgotten about the little fur ball in the box. I had been anticipating Casey's excited reaction to him and then spending a nice evening together putting up the cage and playing with him. In private. Away from Olivia.

I hand the box to Casey and watch silently as she opens it, gasps, and removes the ferret. She's smiling as she holds him and says, "Alex! He is adorable! Oh my God, I didn't know you were doing this!"

"Is that a ferret?" Olivia asks, getting up from the table and coming around so she can see him. Casey hands him to her, and Olivia brushes against me as she holds him. That innocent move causes a chill to go through my body. She's too close to me. I'm feeling things I don't want to feel again. Olivia cuddles him and smiles at Casey. "He _is _cute." Her brown eyes suddenly lock on mine, holding my gaze. And I can surely read into it. "Good job picking him out, Alex."

Casey has the ferret again. She goes to the cupboard and gets down the jar of peanut butter, putting some on the tip of her finger and offering it to her new friend. She turns back to us excitedly as he licks it off. "I read about ferrets once. They love peanut butter. Thank you so much, Alex, he's lovely!"

I can only stand and smile and nod. I'm so uncomfortable right now with Olivia's eyes on me that I want to melt into the tiled floor and disappear completely.

Olivia takes the ferret again and she and Casey chatter back and forth about him. I stand there watching like an observer, shocked at how well they are getting along. It's just like when Olivia and I were together, before I was with Casey, when all three of us were friends. It's as if Olivia never threatened to break Casey's arm last week when she protected me, and as if I'm not carrying on with her behind Casey's back.

How can Olivia be acting so phony? How is this so easy for her? It's _killing _me!

Casey's phone rings and she looks at the caller ID quickly. "It's my dad, but he can wait. This guy needs a name!"

"Hmmm…" Olivia looks thoughtful. "He's a sable. How about that? Sable?"

"Too generic," Casey answers quickly. "How about…Harrison? Don't know why, it just sounds cute!"

Olivia smiles and pets him again. "Harrison is good. I like it."

I can't believe this is happening. How can neither of them see how uncomfortable and scared I am right now? I've practically become part of our cabinetry. I've barely said a word…but neither seem to notice.

So I clear my throat and take the only out I have to this awful situation. "I'm going back to the car to get the cage and the supplies. I'll be right back."

I turn to leave, and then the worst thing that could possibly happen does – Olivia offers to help me. Casey doesn't even look up as Olivia follows me out of the kitchen.

I don't voice my displeasure with Olivia being here until we are safely in the hall with the door closed. And then I turn to Olivia angrily. "How _dare _you come here after what's happened?"

Olivia looks as if she's done nothing wrong. "I told you I wanted to apologize, Alex. I called Casey and she told me to come over so we could talk. I didn't just show up. And _I _did apologize, and so did Casey. I wasn't planning on staying but we just got to talking…and then you came home."

I sigh in disbelief. "Did you ever think of how hard it would be for me to have the two of you together? You _know_ I'm not good at acting discreet! Casey is going to know something is going on between us! I have no poker face!"

Olivia picks up on my poor choice of words immediately. "_Is_ there something going on between us?"

I sigh again. "You know what I mean! I said I needed time, Olivia! I need to deal with this. I need to discover for myself what I really feel for you, and being together with both you and Casey acting all buddy-buddy isn't going to help me! It's making it more complicated. And how can you be so friendly towards Casey? You made out with her girlfriend _twice_!"

Olivia shakes her head and starts walking. "This is ridiculous, Alex. Let's just go get the damn cage. Brilliant idea to buy her an animal. Sooner or later she'll realize you bought it out of guilt, for all the wrong reasons."

I know Olivia is right so I give no response as we make our way to the parking garage and in two trips take up everything I bought for the ferret. I'm giving Olivia the cold-shoulder but she doesn't seem to care. Once everything is in the apartment she and Casey carry on like best friends from childhood, owing and ahhing over the blankets and hammocks I bought like two old women at a wedding shower.

And it's more than I can handle, so I busy myself trying to put together the cage. I take everything out of the box and it looks pretty straight-forward; everything is color coded and snap together. But when I actually start attempting to assemble it, I manage to get nowhere fast.

Olivia notices me struggling and comes over to help, picking up the printed directions from the floor. "Here, let me help. Let's see how it goes together."

I toss the wire side I'm holding to the floor in frustration. "I didn't _ask _you to help, Olivia."

She smiles at me and picks up the piece I just tossed down. "Too bad." She sits down right next to me, our knees touching, which I'm sure is intentional. Our eyes lock and I feel that spark I used to feel with her, that same spark I felt when I realized I was falling in love with Casey. The feelings are there, for sure. No matter how much I'm trying to deny them.

It ends up taking the three of us nearly a half hour to put the cage together. It's a two-story white wire cage and Casey selects a corner in the living room to put it in. The information sheet the pet store employee sent home said the ferret should be in the most social room of the home. Casey thought the bedroom would be inappropriate because we would have a constant 'audience'. My face went crimson red when she said that, but Olivia only laughed.

Once the ferret is set up in his new home, things go from bad to worse. Casey is in such a good mood and enthusiastically suggests that the three of us to dinner and a movie to celebrate our new addition.

Every part of me is hoping that Olivia will make up an excuse not to go, for my sake. Because I know there's no way I can't _not _go.

But of course Olivia smiles and says she has no plans, so I am forced to endure not only an hour and half of Casey and Olivia's chit-chat over dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant, but I am also forced to spend two hours in a dark movie theater sandwiched between my girlfriend and my ex. I've never felt more awkward. Casey reaches for my hand and rests her head on my shoulder for almost the entire duration of the movie, and I notice Olivia looking at us on several occasions. And at one point I reach out and grab Olivia's hand out of pure habit…and then quickly let go when I realize what I'm doing.

Once the movie is over and we're in crowded lobby, Casey excuses herself to use the bathroom and that's when I let Olivia have it again.

"I can't do this. This is way too much. Hiding this from Casey is one thing, but being with you and her at the same time and pretending that everything is fine is another thing. She has no suspicions and that somehow makes this whole thing worse. I don't want you spending time with us together until I sort out all my feelings."

Olivia isn't happy to hear those words. "We have feelings, Alex. You'll never know the extent of them if we don't spend time together, I've told you this before. And you're feelings for me are pretty damn obvious; Casey is pretty naïve for not seeing what is right in front of her face."

That makes me angrier than it should. I snap at her. "I don't know what I feel for you, Olivia. I've told you this. You need to leave me and Casey alone and stop crowding me until I've figured it out. I need to talk to Casey about what happened. I have to tell her. I can't keep it from her. Especially now. I…I'm going to tell her tonight."

Olivia is about to respond, when Casey rejoins us again, looking down at her cell phone as she approaches. "My dad called three times while we were here. I have no idea what he wants but my reception is bad here, so I'll call when I get home. Are you guys ready?"

_Yes, thank God. Let's put this evening out of its misery._

Olivia leaves as soon as we get back to the apartment. I think I made her almost as uncomfortable as I feel, and I don't even tell her goodbye as she leaves. And as soon as the door closes behind her, Casey attacks me. "You were kind of rude to her, Alex."

"What do you want me to do? Turn cartwheels that she wants to be friends? And how can you be so nice to her after what she did to me?"

I realize the irony in what I'm asking. The real question is, how can I kiss and make out with her after what she did to me?

"I hate what she did to you, Alex, but I really don't like holding grudges. I won't force you to be friends, but if you want to, I'm okay with it. We had fun tonight, didn't we?"

She really _is _naïve if she thinks I had fun tonight.

Casey is playing with her phone again and I sigh and sit down beside her. I'm filled with dread and that nauseous feeling again. I can't hide this from her for another second. She has to know what is going on. She has a _right _to know. We made a promise not to hide anything from each other.

"Casey…I need to talk to you about something…" I start hesitantly.

She looks up from her phone, catching the seriousness in my eyes. "All right. Let me call my dad back first, okay? He's been trying to get a hold of me and he doesn't usually call me this much. He must need to talk to me. And then I'll check on Harrison and we'll talk, okay?"

All I can do is nod as she walks down the hall and disappears into our bedroom so she can have privacy for her call.

I lean forward and put my head in my hands, sighing again at the unfairness and sadness of this whole situation. What I'm about to do could cost me dearly. I might not have a girlfriend after tonight. But if I hide this from her any longer it's going to be much, much worse.

Casey is gone for several minutes and when I can't take sitting there lost in my worried thoughts anymore I get up and go to the bedroom to make sure everything is okay.

And what I find is horrible.

Casey is sitting on the bed with her back to me, and she's sobbing uncontrollably. I'm instantly pulled from my guilt-filled stupor and within seconds I'm at her side, sitting down on the bed and begging her to tell me what has her so upset. I pull her into my arms as she continues to sob into my shoulder and tries to put words together. Whatever's wrong is _big _and I've never been so scared.

Finally, Casey is able to form coherent words. She pulls away from me long enough to look into my eyes with her own red tear-filled green ones. And then she says, her voice quivering, "My father was trying to get a hold of me…to tell me that…"

She bursts into a fresh set of tears, and I squeeze her tighter. I'm beyond scared now. What could it be? "It's okay, Casey, talk to me. What's happened, sweetheart?" I'm rubbing her back absentmindedly, desperately wanting to provide any comfort I can.

And then she says it. "He wanted to tell me that my mother died."

And in that instant I know I have to keep my secret from her longer.

**So what do you think? Alex has to keep her secret longer...will things develop more between her and Olivia while she's harboring it? And how will what happened with Casey's mother affect everything that is going on? Will Calex survive? Please review and tell me what you think!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Here's another quick update for you all! Thanks for reading and reviewing; it truly makes me happy that so many people are enjoying this. And I know this is the chapter you have been waiting for, so...read on.**

I'm frozen in a state of sorrow and guilt as I hold my crying girlfriend in my arms. She keeps saying my name and asking why and I have no answer or words to comfort her. All I can do is hold her tightly and whisper into her ear that I love her and that I'm here for her.

After several long moments, Casey has calmed down enough for me to ask, "How did it happen, Casey?" She pulls away from me and I brush a strand of her red hair out of her face and smile sympathetically at her. She looks so sad and broken and it makes me hurt just looking at her.

"Dad said it was a heart attack," Casey says softly, a hint of disbelief in her voice. "She's never had heart problems…she was young, Alex! How could that happen?" Her voice breaks again she's crying again.

"Shh, sweetheart," I tell her softly, giving her a kiss on the cheek. I start to rub her back as she lies against me. "Things like that happen…sometimes there's a problem and no one ever catches it. My uncle Robert had an undiagnosed heart condition and he died of a heart attack when he was only fifty-two. It's awful, Casey. I am _so _sorry."

I hesitate a minute, my own voice breaking as I think of what I was about to do moments ago. I was about to tell Casey that I have been cheating on her. Had I gone through with my plans, she would be in the same state she is now. But I wouldn't have her here with me.

And now I know I can't tell her; not yet, anyway. She has to get over her grief and she will have a lot on her mind the next several days. I have to be there for her like she would be for me. Casey needs me and I won't let her down; not this time.

I have no idea what's wrong with me. For the past couple of days I have been thinking about what Olivia said and wondering if she had it right when she said I only _thought _I loved Casey. One minute I'd think of Olivia and I'd be sure she was right and the next Casey would say or do something sweet and loving and I'd be convinced that Olivia was wrong.

I can't love them both. I know that. I have to let my heart decide.

"We'll get through this together, Casey," I promise, squeezing her tightly again. "I promise you, okay?" She nods against me but that isn't good enough so I make her look at me. "Casey…okay?"

She nods at me, her tears all dried up for the moment. Her eyes are puffy and red and she blows her nose when I hand her the box of tissues from the nightstand. I pick up her hand and hold it in my lap, running my thumb over the back of it.

"I told my dad I'd come right away. He called my brother too. He's coming from Rochester in the morning."

I nod. I had been anticipating that. I would want to be with my father too. And there's no way I'm letting Casey go alone. I stand up and offer her my hand. "Okay. Let's get ready then. I'll drive."

Casey looks at me with a mixture of gratefulness and shock as she takes my hand and I pull her up off the bed. "Thanks Alex, but you don't have to go. I'm going to call Ketner and take some time off work. I was planning on staying at dad's for a couple nights and you have work on Monday. There's no since on you driving there for one day and having to come back tomorrow night. I'll be okay."

Typical Casey, not wanting to put anyone in a pinch. But if she thinks I'm going to let her do this alone, she's nuts.

"Don't be ridiculous, Casey. I'm going. You are not driving over an hour away at night alone after your mother just died. And I'm not going to work on Monday. I will take a couple personal days. I want to be with you, Casey. This is non-negotiable."

And I really do want to be with her. I'm hurting for her so badly; not just because of her mother but because of knowing what I'm hiding from her.

Casey easily relents. She has no fight in her right now. And I know she wouldn't fight me on this anyway; she wants me to be with her even if she won't admit it. She wants me there as much as I want to be there.

Casey takes a few minutes to compose herself, wiping her eyes again and taking a deep, steady breath. "Okay. First I'll call Ketner and then we'll go…: She trails off and looks momentarily panicked. "Oh God, Alex, I don't even think I know where to reach him…I'm pretty sure his cell phone number is in my address book in my desk at work. How stupid is that of me not to have it programmed in my phone?" She starts shaking and I hear her voice quivering again. "I'm such an idiot…I should have it for situations like this…"

"Casey," I say quickly, moving to her and wrapping her in a hug again. She doesn't break down but she holds tightly to me and within seconds her shaking has stopped. "It's okay. Take a breath. We'll find it. Relax. We'll stop by your office and get it, okay? And you can call Ketner on the way to your dad's house. It's no problem."

This seems to have eased Casey's mind a little. She's chattering on nervously about everything she's going to have to do as she goes around the bedroom getting clothes and other items packed for her dad's house. I stop her after a few minutes.

"Don't worry about all that right now. Let's just go be with your dad. And you said your brother is coming tomorrow?" She nods at that. "You just need to be with them. You can discuss what you have to do, as a family. You're not alone in any of this. Your dad, your brother, me…we love you and we're here for you. Don't worry about what's to come. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. First I'm taking you to your family."

I get my gym bag out of the closet and start packing some items too, enough for three days. Casey and I are packing in silence until Casey approaches me and places her hand on my arm and smiles sadly at me. "You're my family too, Alex. I'm glad I have you all. Thank you. And I love you the best."

I nearly break down in tears at Casey's sincere heartfelt words. I feel my stomach do a flip-flop as I smile back at her and say, "You're welcome. I'm always here; you know that."

"What about the ferret?" Casey suddenly asks, remembering her new furry little guy. "Can we take him? We can't leave him here alone."

"The cage is too big for either of our cars. If we had a smaller cage we could. We could leave him with someone. It will just be for a couple days; I'm sure it would be fine." My mind starts turning, trying to come up with someone who would like to ferret-sit for a few days.

And then Casey suggests what I had been hoping she wouldn't. "Can you call Olivia and ask her? She seemed to like him…maybe she would be willing."

I don't want to call her; not right now. She's the last person I want to see or talk to. But I know there may not be anyone else, and Casey asked me to call her. So despite my reservations, I back out of the bedroom and call Olivia.

Thankfully she's still up and her voice sounds surprised. "Alex?"

I don't make time with small talk. I get right to the point. "Olivia, I need you to do me a favor."

"Of course, Alex. Anything. What is it?"

My heart constricts again. She's so willing to help…just like Casey.

"Casey and I need to go to her father's house tonight. It's right outside of Brooklyn. She just got a call that her…" I stop for a moment, searching for the right words. "That her mother died. She had a heart attack."

Olivia doesn't even try to disguise the shock in her voice. "Oh my God, Alex, I am so sorry! That's so sad…give Casey my condolences. What can I do to help?"

She sounds sincere, she really does. And that stirs back up the confusion.

"Thank you, I will tell her," I rush out quickly and then clear my throat. "Is there anyway you could watch the ferret for a couple days? Can you come right over and get him so we could leave?"

Olivia doesn't even hesitate. She says, "Of course; I'll be right over."

That was easier than I thought. Olivia really _is_ kind and caring. Which makes this whole situation worse.

* * *

><p>Casey and I don't go to bed until after four AM. We didn't get to the Novak's house until after midnight; it took longer than expected to find Casey's address book at her office. She broke down in tears when it wasn't in her desk and I had to make her sit down so I could search the rest of her office. I ended up finding it in a cubby hole in her closet. Why it was there I don't know, but I didn't question her.<p>

Thankfully DA Ketner was very understanding. Casey asked for three days off and he told her to take the entire week. At first she said no but I wore her down easily. Taking a week off right now will be good for Casey. The stress of her job - especially this case with Senator Palmer - is the last thing she needs right now.

Watching Casey and her father Ken together had been heartbreaking. They cried and hugged each other while I sat awkwardly on the couch, just trying to provide comfort with my presence. Casey's dad explained that her mother had been having chest pains since the day before, but they had both attributed it to heartburn from the tacos they had for dinner. Ken had gone out to run some weekend errands and found his wife passed out on the couch when he came home. She had no pulse and was pronounced dead at the hospital.

Casey's brother, Ken Jr., is due to arrive from Rochester in the morning. Casey has always looked up to him and I think him being around will help her greatly.

Ken and I were only able to convince Casey to try and sleep after making her realize that everyone is exhausted and nothing can be accomplished tonight. Ken was beside himself with sorrow and desperately needed sleep, and Casey wasn't any better off.

Casey and I are lying in the queen size bed in the guest room in the darkness, holding each other. Casey hasn't said a word since we retired to bed but I can tell by her breathing that she isn't sleeping. Not yet anyway, even though she desperately needs it.

"Alex?" Casey finally says, her voice soft and weak as she is exhausted from crying the past several hours. She adjusts her position so she's using my stomach as a pillow. My shirt is riding up slightly and I can feel her hair tickling my soft flesh.

"What is it, baby?" I ask her, kissing the top of her head and squeezing her tightly.

"Thank you for coming with me. I really don't know what I would do without you. You're my favorite thing in the world, you know that? I love you so much and just…thank you." Her voice is quivering but somehow she manages to hold the tears back.

That horrible feeling of guilt resurfaces and I have to swallow to combat the sudden wave of nausea that hits me. Hearing Casey's words has only reinforced my opinion that I'm the worst girlfriend in the entire world and Casey deserves so much more than I'm giving her. Once she learns the truth of what I have done she won't love me anymore. That's why I can't tell her now. She needs me too much.

And I need her too. If I can hold onto her a little longer I will.

"I know, honey; I love you too. And there's nowhere else I'd rather be, you know that. Tomorrow I'm making the arrangements for my personal days and then I'm velcroed to your side. I'm not going anywhere. You have my word, Casey." I'm slowly playing with her hair and she continues to lay against me, too exhausted to put up a fight.

"I just hurt so much right now, Alex. My mom and I have always been close…and now she's gone. Just like that, in one day with no warning. I will never see her again or talk to her on the phone. She'll never give me advice I don't want or give me an opinion on something I didn't even ask her about. I'm so like her in that way. There's where I get my stubbornness and opinionated personality from. I talked to her two days ago, told her about how I felt about Senator Palmer. And you know what she told me? She told me to stand up for what I believe in no matter what it costs me career-wise. If I believe the Senator is innocent I shouldn't waver from that. She always told me to never let my silence speak for me." She stops talking and starts to cry again. "This is so unfair, Alex! I know this is a part of life, but why does it have to be? And why am I lying here in bed with you after my mother died? I should be with my dad, grieving…I'm such a bad daughter…"

She's starting to panic and I know the combination of sadness and exhaustion is taking its toll on her. She isn't thinking clearly and she needs to rest.

I hold her tighter and search for the appropriate words to comfort her. "Casey, you are doing exactly what you're supposed to. You're here with me and your dad. You're grieving. But you need rest too, Casey. You don't have to sit on the couch every second with your father in order to grieve. You aren't betraying your mother by lying in here with me. Your mom would want you to get some rest; you have to be able to focus and make decisions tomorrow. I want you to close your eyes and sleep, Casey. I'll be here when you wake up. And so will your father. And your brother will be here too. Everything will be okay."

"But dad tried to call me all evening and I ignored his calls because I was busy with the ferret and going to the movies. I didn't know it was something so serious…" She starts to cry again. "I didn't know!"

"Exactly; you didn't know. It's not your fault, sweetheart. I ignore calls from my parents all the time when I'm busy or just don't want to talk to them. Don't beat yourself up over not taking his call right away; it is _not _your fault."

"Mom loved me even when I screwed up and lost my law license. She lectured me of course but she still loved me. I'm going to miss her so much…I already do."

I wish I could somehow make this better. I've never had the experience of having someone so close to me pass away, and I'm sure it's an indescribable feeling of pain. Something Casey doesn't deserve. Something I'd do anything to take away for her.

Casey is crying full-force again and I lay there massaging her back and talking soothingly to her until she finally drifts off a little after five AM.

I lay awake, my mind going over everything that's happened. My poor Casey…I was about to break her heart by telling her what I'd been doing with Olivia and then something even worse happens to her. She'll eventually get over the worst of the pain and then I'll stab her in the heart yet again with my confession.

I allow my mind to wander to Olivia. She had been so nice and caring when she came over to get Casey's ferret. She had given Casey a big hug and told us we could count on her for anything we needed and I was thankful for that. I saw the sincerity of what she was saying in her eyes.

Is it possible that I _do_ still love her?

* * *

><p>The next morning Ken Jr. arrives a little after nine AM. Casey sleeps right through it and I only get up when my bladder threatens to burst if I don't empty it out soon.<p>

After I use the bathroom and make myself somewhat presentable, I wander into the kitchen to find Ken Sr. and Jr. seated at the kitchen table. Casey's father is wearing the same clothes from the day before and doesn't appear to have slept. Ken Jr. has his hands clasped together, his eyes red and puffy.

He stands as soon as I enter the kitchen and wraps me in a big hug. "Alex, I am so glad to see you! How's Casey? Is she still asleep?"

I hug him back, smile at Mr. Novak, and then sit down at the table as well. "She is. She didn't get to sleep until after five and I thought it better not to wake her right now. She needs what little sleep she can get." I yawn. "Me, on the other hand, I didn't sleep a wink. I ache so much for Casey and your family. I lay awake all night trying to think of some way to make this better. And unfortunately I didn't come up with any ideas."

Mr. Novak reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. "Just by being here you're doing more for Casey than you'll ever know. You mean the world to her. Casey and my wife spoke on the phone every other day and Casey would always tell her how much you meant to her. Casey has had a lot of disappointments in her life but you have made her happy and I'm happy she has you. Especially right now."

I have to look away from him. I can't meet his eyes. He'll read into them and see how guilt-stricken I am.

"I want to thank you too," Ken Jr. says, smiling compassionately at me. "It's nice to see my sister happy."

This universe likes to conspire against me and put me in the worst situations possible. It likes to push me to the very edge and see how much I can take before I break. And right now sitting here listening to Casey's father and brother tell me how wonderful I am and how much Casey loves me is nearly pushing me to my breaking point. I want to break down and tell them the truth, to unburden myself. Make them realize I'm not as perfect as they all think that I am.

It's then Casey chooses to walk into the kitchen. She's changed into a pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt and her hair looks unbrushed and unkept. But I don't care how she looks. I'm happy to see her.

I immediately stand and give her a hug. "Good morning, baby. I'm glad you got some sleep."

Casey smiles at me as we break apart and then her eyes fall on her brother. Within minutes they're hugging each other, whispering softly and gently sobbing again. Their father stands and embraces them both.

I feel this is my cue to step out of the room and leave the family to their privacy. They have some things to discuss and I don't want to overstep my boundaries. I stay seated in my chair until the three of them have broken apart and then I stand and clear my throat uneasily.

"Casey, I'm going to step outside and call my mom, okay? I want to let her know what's going on. And then I'm going call and make the arrangements to use my personal days. Will you be okay with that?"

Casey gives me another small smile and hugs me again. "I'll be okay as long as you come back inside when you're done. I love you - and thanks for everything."

I return Casey's sentiment and fetch my cell phone from my bag in our room and then I make my way outside.

Out here I can finally breathe. The tension is gone and I can feel myself relaxing. The Novak's aren't worshiping me out here. This is the escape that I needed.

I sit down on the front cement stoop and hit my mom's speed dial. She picks up after the second ring.

"Mom, it's me. I need to talk to you."

"Alex! What a pleasure it is to hear from you! Is something wrong, dear?"

Mom must have read the urgency in my voice. Usually when I call she regales me with stories from the country club or fills me in on new landscaping she and dad have undertaken in the backyard. I'll listen politely and fill her in on new developments in my life. But today she skips right to me, knowing full well that something is wrong.

"Yes, something is wrong," I tell her, swallowing harshly. I'm starting to get choked up. "Casey's mother passed away yesterday from a heart attack. I'm with her at her dad's house just outside of Brooklyn."

I hear my mom gasp. "Oh, Alex! That is so awful…I'm so terribly sorry! Please give Casey and her family my condolences. And let me know when the funeral is. Your father and I would like to attend and bring them something."

I swallow again. "I'll let you know. She's discussing everything with her father and brother right now. Mom, this is so hard. I don't know what to say or do to make this better for Casey. Her dad says I'm helping just by being here but I'm not so sure."

"She's right, honey. The best thing you can do for Casey right now is just be there for her. Let her rant and cry and provide any comfort you can. Encourage her to share fond memories of her mother and make sure she doesn't keep anything bottled up inside. That's all you can do, Alex, and it's more than you think. It's everything to the person you love."

I smile to myself. Leave it to my mother to find the right thing to say to me. Growing up I used to tease her and tell her that she was a closeted therapist. She always seemed to say and do the right things. Unlike me.

"Casey is such a sweet, wonderful girl. Just make sure you stand by her, Alex."

And that's the sentence that makes me break down. I start out just sobbing and then suddenly I'm nearly hysterical with tears. My mother keeps asking me what's wrong but it's several minutes before I can pull myself together enough to tell her what I have been keeping inside for much too long.

"I really screwed up, mom. I did something I regret and I can't take it back."

"Whatever is it, honey, tell me and we'll think of a way through it. You're a good person, Alex; it can't be that bad. You're just upset about Casey's mom. Calm down and tell me what's going on. Would you like me to come there?"

My mom isn't used to dealing with me in such a hysterical state. I'm always calm and reserved and I can easily disguise my feelings or push them aside all together. But not now; not with this.

"It's not anything I can work through, mom. It's terrible. Something that's going to hurt Casey when she finds out. Something I am deeply ashamed of and will never forgive myself for."

Mom is quiet for a moment, and then encourages me to go on. Before I do I get up and wander down to the end of the driveway just in case one of the Novak's comes out the front door. As I'm walking I spill my guts; I tell my mother everything. I tell her my conflicted feelings for Olivia and how far I almost let it go. I tell her about Olivia telling me I don't love Casey anymore. I don't leave out a single detail.

And when I'm finished I feel a load has been lifted off my shoulders. Finally someone else knows; I'm not carrying this awful secret alone.

After my mother has had sufficient time to digest what I told her, she gives it to me straight. "You're my daughter, Alex, and I love you, but what you are doing to Casey is deplorable and you _should _be feeling ashamed of yourself. Casey has been nothing but good to you. I've seen you two together and there's no doubt in my mind that you love Casey just as much as she loves you. When I saw you and Olivia together I was happy for the both of you, but I didn't get the same feeling of a deep connection and love that I get from you and Casey. From what you have told me, Casey has loosened you up and made you experience things in life that you never would have on your own or with Olivia or anyone else. The love you two have for each other is very real. I have seen it with my own eyes. While you may still feel something for Olivia, I can promise you it's not love. It's the shock of seeing her after such a long absence and the knowledge of the history you two share. But don't you let her bully you into thinking you don't belong with Casey, Alex. In your heart you know the truth. Don't listen to Olivia, and don't listen to me. Listen to your _heart_. It won't steer you wrong."

I let a single tear slide down my cheek as I think about what my mother is telling me. I know I do truly love Casey. There's no doubt. But what do I feel for Olivia?

"I don't know how to deal with what I feel for Olivia, mom. I'm not sure it's love…but I'm not sure it isn't either. I - I just don't know."

I sound like a lovesick teenager getting dating advice for her mommy and normally I'd be appalled with myself, but right now I don't care. I'm desperate to right this horrible wrong I've made.

"You need to talk to Olivia again. One on one without giving into any feelings. Don't make a move on her and don't let her make one on you. Tell her how you're feeling and let her tell you how she feels. You'll realize what you feel for her if you try to, Alex. If you just give in and go along with what she wants, then you never will. If she told you that she came back to win you back then she has an agenda and you're smart enough to know how to deal with that. Don't let her control you. Decide for yourself. And then after you've spoken to her, you need to come clean to Casey. I know it will hurt her, but you can't keep this from her. A relationship is built on trust and truth. You can't hide this for the rest of your life. Wait until after the funeral and after she has returned to work. And then tell her the truth."

I swallow around the lump in my throat. "It's going to kill her, mom. I've told you about her exes. Every one has hurt her and I'm doing the same thing."

"If you guys are meant to be, then you will be. But don't expect Casey to forgive you easily, if ever. You did betray her trust in the worst way possible. It's not as bad as sex, but bad enough. You dug yourself into a hole, Alex, and only you can pull yourself out."

I know my mom is right. I have some decisions to make. And none are going to be easy.

* * *

><p>I have to go back to work on Wednesday but Casey decides to stay with her dad and brother for a couple more days until the funeral on Friday. We're both overwhelmed with the outpouring of support she gets from everyone. The entire Special Victims gang sends a card and flowers, several co-workers of Casey's send her a card and even Liz Donnelly personally calls her and sends a card. But most shocking of all is that Jack McCoy sends a card all the way from California. I wasn't aware he had a heart at all; I guess I was wrong.<p>

It's really hard for me to go back to work. I miss Casey and wish I could have stayed with her longer. She completely understands me having to go back to work and her family convinced me that they will take care of her, but I still don't like being away from her when she's so upset. Granted she's much better than she was a couple days ago, but still. I wish I was there.

There have been developments in Senator Palmer's case. You can't turn on the local news without hearing about the high profile case. And now another suspect has emerged; an ex-boyfriend of the murdered nanny. And despite the Senator's notoriety, focus has been shifted to the new suspect.

Journalists have shown their true lack of compassion since Casey has been off the case. She's still getting calls and requests for comments, more so now that the Senator doesn't look so guilty. She has an interview request for our local political opinion show out of Manhattan for Thursday. She hasn't yet made a decision whether or not she'll do it. I told her to shut out work completely and focus on family, which is normally easy for her to do. But given her strong feelings on this case I'm not sure she'll listen to me.

I've been thinking about what my mother said to me days ago and I know I can't put off dealing with the situation with Olivia any longer. I have to talk to her while Casey is still away and decide once and for all how I really feel.

So I go see Olivia after work on Wednesday. She makes sure she's home by six and I bring by a pizza with her favorite toppings to keep the atmosphere loose between us. At least that's my intention. But it doesn't turn out that way.

As soon as Olivia has been seated next to me I'm overcome by the same feelings I felt the last time I was here. I try to avoid eye and physical contact but as hard as I try I can't push the feelings away.

So I jump right into the conversation head first. "I can't live like this anymore, Olivia. It's killing me. I can't keep lying and hiding things from Casey. She trusts me completely and every time I lie to her a piece of me dies. It's so wrong. I can't do it anymore."

Olivia doesn't seem at all shocked to hear my words. "You were going to tell her, weren't you? Before she found out about her mother?"

"Yes, I was. But what exactly am I supposed to tell her? I can tell her we kissed and made out, but what is there between us? What does it _mean_?"

"I told you how I felt, Alex. And deep down you know how you feel too. You just haven't had time to explore it. Casey's mother passed away and you were with her, as you should have been. She did need you. But now that you're back you have a chance to explore and define your feelings for me. I know you still love me, Alex. We were together so long and shared such a wonderful love…it's impossible for you _not _to still love me."

"But I love Casey, and I can't love you both," I object. "I _know _I love her. I don't know if I love you. I have feelings for you but that's not the same thing as love."

Olivia sighs and slides closer to me on the couch. She casually touches my leg, which makes me stiffen immediately. She's looking at me with such intensity that I can nearly feel her eyes burning into mine.

"I know this is hard for you. I apologize for putting you in such a terrible position. I can't imagine what this is like for you, especially now. But you can't tell me that you can just forget what we had together. We had five years together, Alex. _Five years. _We had a home together. We had a routine. We had a plan for the future. You're able to just forget all that?"

I remember it; all of it. I remember how happy I was with Olivia and how natural we felt together. I remember our daily routine and I also do remember our plans for the future.

But it was just that - _routine_. And it was fine for Olivia and me. But now that Casey has shown me how wonderful spontaneity and the simple things in life are, I have no desire to return to routine.

"Remember how we spoke? About getting that great apartment in downtown Manhattan? And adopting a baby? We were so excited when we spoke about it. That was our plan, Alex. I know you remember."

And suddenly I realize the truth. It only takes the passage of that one simple sentence to open my eyes. Everything Olivia and I had was what _she _wanted. I didn't want an apartment in downtown Manhattan or a baby…those were things _Olivia _wanted. And I went along with them because I loved her. _Loved _her; past tense.

The way Casey goes along with what I want because she loves _me_.

"Olivia…" I start uneasily. "_You_ wanted those things. Not me. I don't want a huge apartment in downtown Manhattan. I don't want to adopt a baby."

Olivia seems shocked, but doesn't fight me on it. "Well, fine, we'll talk about it. But these are things we used to discuss, Alex. Things I want to discuss again. We both owe it to each other to talk about what we want. All I've thought about lately is you. You're all I care about. Being without you in California was brutal."

"Well, whose fault was that?" I snap back bitterly. "You chose to leave, Olivia. I didn't force you to go."

"I realize that, Alex. I realize it was my choice, and my mistake. The biggest mistake of my life. And I'm trying to correct that mistake right here and right now." She quickly picks up my hand and holds onto it. "Alex, I want you back. You know that. I'm going to fight for you every day until I win you back. I was miserable without you. When I heard you were with Casey, I couldn't - "

"Wait a minute," I interject, yanking my hand away from Olivia. "When you _heard_ about me and Casey? You mean you knew? You knew before you came to my apartment that day?"

Olivia knows she slipped up. She looks away from me quickly, trying to gather her thoughts. "I didn't know how serious it was…"

Any sympathy I had for Olivia is completely gone now. I'm so angry I'm nearly seeing red. My mother had been right; Olivia _did _have an agenda.

"You mean you came back here knowing full well that I was in a relationship with Casey? You came to my apartment with that knowledge, and acted as if you didn't know? And then when Casey showed up to protect me, you nearly broke her arm out of jealously?"

"It wasn't out of jealously, Alex, and I apologized for that. My point is - "

I quickly jump up off the couch. "You don't get to make a point, Olivia! I can't believe you! Everything you have said to me since you've been back, everything you've _done_…has been to manipulate me. You want me to break up with Casey. Because you're so jealous that you can't stand I've moved on. You heard I found someone who made me truly happy and you were so miserable and unhappy with the life you brought on yourself that you had to come back here and ruin it for me! You're vindictive, Olivia, and I never thought you were! This whole wanting to be Casey's friend, caring about her mother's death…it was all an act, wasn't it?"

"Alex…" Olivia stands up as well and reaches for me but I flinch away from her. A hurt expression crosses her face but I don't care. "Calm down. We're supposed to talk rationally. We won't get anywhere like this."

I can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for Olivia's crap. All this time she's wanted to tear me and Casey apart for her own selfish reasons…and sadly she may succeed.

"No; we are _done_ talking, Olivia. Knowing you came back here knowing I was with Casey changes everything. Nothing you can say is going to change that. You're selfish, Olivia. And we have no future. Casey and I have a future. She wants the same things I want. She doesn't push me into anything. She compromises for me. She took a job in Brooklyn so I could become DA. And even though she says she likes it there, I don't think she does. I don't think she's happy. But she did it for _me_. What did _you _do for me? You planned a future I didn't want and then ran away to California when your best friend left the squad, leaving me alone to pick up the pieces of our shattered relationship. And that damn near broke me until Casey put me back together. Casey brought out the _'me' in me._ She showed me what a real relationship is. I love her, Olivia." My voice breaks a little. "And I'm _not _giving her up for you."

To my surprise, Olivia doesn't beg me desperately to change my mind, as I had expected her to do. All she does is take a step towards me, looks me in the eyes and says, "You kissed me, Alex. You fondled me. You let me kiss and fondle you. It would have gone further that day if Casey hadn't called. You _know _that. You can't deny that. If you don't love me, why did you engage in such activity with me?"

"Because I was confused!" I shout back, and for the first time I'm not confused about it. I'm no longer concerned with whether or not I love Olivia; I know the answer. Now I know exactly what was behind those feelings that are completely gone now. It was nostalgia and confusion, nothing more. "I was confused because you blew back in here and professed your feelings for me and I felt something for you too. I didn't know what I felt, but I do now. I don't love you, Olivia; make no mistake about that. You know how they always say that in a relationship you become one? Well we always felt like two. Never one. But Casey and I…we are one. You need to move on as I already have."

"Do you really think Casey is going to want you after all this? After she finds out you betrayed her and lied to her about it? Your future with her is gone, Alex. And that's _your _fault, not mine."

Well, Olivia is right about that. She did manipulate me but I gave in and I didn't have to. I chose to kiss Olivia. I chose to touch her and let her touch me. It was my _choice_.

And I know that Casey probably won't want me, just as Olivia is saying. And that too is my fault. But like my mother said, I dug this hole and I have to dig myself out of it. I have to face whatever is coming at me; whatever I brought on myself.

"You're right; that was my choice. And so is this - " I step closer to Olivia and get right in her face. I've never tried to intimidate anyone like this before; especially not someone like Olivia. But here I am, doing just that. "If you ever come to my apartment or call me again, I'll make things very unpleasant for you. When I walk out of here, I'm walking away from you just as you walked away from me. I'm breaking your heart as you broke mine. I'm going back to Casey and whatever happens, happens. But if Casey and I end, you and I will _never _be again. _Never_. Kissing and making out with anyone would have been a mistake, but _you_? I'm disgusted with myself. If you're the jealous vindictive person you're revealing to me here today then I'm sorry I ever wasted five years of my life on you."

Those words sting Olivia, just as I had intended for them to. She backs away from me, not in intimidation but in defeat. She knows she's just lost me. She should accept it gracefully and just show me to the door.

But of course she doesn't. Instead she decides to insult the woman I love. "You're not the person I thought either, Alex, if you could fall in love with _her_. Casey Novak is the laughingstock of New York. You yourself used to make fun of her behind her back, Alex. Don't you remember what you said when she got hired back at the DA's office? How angry you were, how much you hated her? You said she was unprofessional and I believe you even called her a 'poor excuse for an ADA', am I wrong?"

I cringe at her words, because they're the truth; I did say that about Casey. I did hate her at first. I engaged in the awful gossip behind her back and treated her like dirt to her face. And she still wanted to be my friend. She still cared about me. She's still grown to _love _me.

"That was before I knew her, Olivia. I have grown to love her this past year. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. And you're my biggest mistake. I can't believe I jeopardized what I had with Casey for _you_."

Olivia suddenly smirks at me, an attempt to hide how she's really feeling. "Then you go home to her and tell her what you did with me. See how long she 'loves' you after that. She'll leave you, Alex. And you'll be back here in my arms where you belong. Just you wait."

Olivia's words make me sick to my stomach as I reach her door and open it. "No; I _won't. _You're a mistake I'll _never _make again. Goodbye, Olivia. For good this time."

Then I step out into the hall and slam the door behind me.

* * *

><p>The days leading up to the funeral pass much too quickly for me. All the nights are sleepless and my days are filled with the stresses of work and the feeling of impending doom about having to tell Casey what I have been doing behind her back.<p>

I'm holding back on that proposal I so desperately wanted. I can't propose to Casey right now. We may not even 'be' after this weekend, or if we are, Casey may not feel the same about me ever again. And I can't blame her, really.

Senator Palmer has been cleared of all involvement in the nanny's death. Charges have been filed against the ex-boyfriend and when Casey returns to work he will be hers to prosecute. Turns out she was right all along. My Casey is smarter than even _I _give her credit for.

The funeral is beautiful. The turnout is huge and Casey and Ken. Jr both deliver the sweetest eulogies. My parents are able to attend as well and my mother can't stop telling Casey that she considers her to be her daughter. And as if on cue my mother pulls me aside and lectures me on coming clean to Casey. She only lets up on me when I tell her I plan to break the news to Casey this weekend.

When the service ends everyone mingles and shares stories about Amy Novak. Everyone has good things to say about her and the wonderful children she raised, and I remember how she was so cold to me when I first met her. I remember the conversation we had, and the promise I made to her.

I'll be breaking the only promise I ever made to Casey's mother.

As the hour gets later everyone slowly starts to trickle out. Casey and her father are talking to an older woman in the back of the room when someone comes up behind me and startles me with their voice. "Excuse me, is Casey Novak still here?"

I spin around and I'm shocked beyond belief to be face to face with none other than Senator Ryan Palmer. He's dressed in a black suit, holding a bouquet of flowers and staring at me, awaiting my answer.

I blink several times, not believing he's actually standing in front of me. But he's here, in the flesh, looking for Casey at her mother's funeral. United States Senator Ryan Palmer. Tabloid fodder. Here.

"Casey's here," I tell him quickly and I hold out my hand and introduce myself. "I'm District Attorney Alex Cabot. Casey is my…"

He smiles at me. "I know who you are, Miss Cabot. And I apologize for my tardiness; I had hoped to make it in time for the service but unfortunately my flight from Washington was delayed. But I'd like to give Miss Novak my condolences, if I could."

"Of course." I turn around and look at Casey. She's engrossed in her conversation with her father and the older woman and hasn't yet noticed the Senator's presence. "I'll get her for you. How nice of you to take time out of your busy schedule to come by. I'm sure Casey will be appreciative."

He smiles again. "Miss Novak was the only vocal supporter I've had in this whole ordeal; I owe her a debt. The least I could do is come by."

I ask the Senator to wait and I approach Casey slowly, not wanting to interrupt her. She smiles as I come closer and links her arm with mine. "Mrs. Prescott, this is my Alex. The one I've been speaking about. Alex, this is Anne Prescott. She was our neighbor growing up."

I smile and shake Anne's hand. "Nice to meet you, ma'am. I'm sorry to have to interrupt your conversation, but someone is here to see Casey." I motion to where the Senator is waiting patiently for Casey.

Her eyes go as wide as mine when she sees who it is. "What is he doing here?" she asks, almost afraid.

"He wanted to give his condolences. Very nice of him, if you ask me. And looks like he left the reporters outside. Also nice." Casey gives me an odd look. "Casey, are you going to keep our Senator waiting?"

I watch as she hesitantly approaches him and shakes his hands and then takes the flowers. Her back is to me but the Senator is smiling as he talks to her.

"Wow…I can't believe he showed up," Ken says, watching his daughter interact with our Senator. "That _is _the Senator I've been hearing about? The one from Casey's case?"

I nod to Ken as we watch Senator Palmer gesture to the hallway outside the door. Casey nods and they step out, closing the door behind them.

Anne laughs lightly. "Maybe the Senator is sweet on your daughter, Ken."

I know she's only joking, but that comment fills me to the brim with jealously. Thinking of someone else feeling that way about Casey actually makes me mad.

She comes back inside alone after several minutes. She has an unreadable expression on her face as she walks right up to me and takes me by the arm. "Alex, I need to talk to you."

Ken appears concerned. "Everything okay, honey? What did he say to you?"

"Everything is fine, daddy," Casey answers with a smile. "I'll tell you after I talk to Alex. Find Ken Jr. and mingle some more. I'll be right back."

I let Casey lead me off to private spot. She locks eyes on me and says, "Alex….the Senator offered me a job working on his staff in Washington. Communications Director. Can you believe that?"

I _can't_ believe that. I'm so shocked I can barely form any rational thoughts. I don't even get any words out before Casey is talking again.

"He was afraid it was inappropriate to ask me at my mother's funeral but wanted to put the offer out as soon as possible. Of course I turned him down…but isn't that a great offer?"

"You…you turned it down?" I ask in disbelief. "Casey….that is a great opportunity! I'd die to get offered a job working for a United States Senator!"

"I can't work in Washington, Alex. Don't be ridiculous. We have our lives here. Plus I'm not really qualified. Communications Director usually requires a journalism background. But I'm honored to have been asked."

My mind is going a mile a minute. I can't let Casey give up this opportunity for me. It's too big for her. It would get her out of her ADA jail and show her that she _does _have a future to strive for. Nearly a year ago she told me she saw nothing for herself beyond being an ADA. I've always seen the potential in her even if she never saw it herself, And now someone else has too.

"Casey. You should have told him you'd consider it and took the weekend to think about it. You would be _great_. Did he say what made him ask you?"

"The job became available this week. He said he admires how I stick to my convictions despite what anyone else thinks. He did some research into my background and said he's impressed. Of course he was kind enough not to bring up the small issue of my suspended license…but obviously that didn't matter to him. He said they need more people like me working in Washington. I feel really honored, Alex, even if I can't take the job."

I'm so happy for Casey. What started out as such a sad occasion has turned into her having her spirits lifted by a job offer that could open many doors for her. A job that she turned down to be with me.

We could somehow make it work; I know we could. I'd have to evaluate any necessary sacrifices that would need to be made in order for it to be possible, but I'm more than willing. This is an opportunity that Casey can't give up.

But needs to know what I did more than ever now. I have to give her options. I didn't want to give her my confession this soon after the funeral, but now I don't think I can wait. I have to put this out there. If Casey chooses to leave me…she has something to go to. She has a future waiting for her even if it's not with me.

The thought nearly makes me break down in a fit of tears. I can't imagine my life without her…

I have to do what's right for Casey; even if it hurts me deeply. I have to let her choose.

Sunday. I'll do it on Sunday.

* * *

><p>When we get home from the funeral, Casey is pretty quiet. Even though the funeral ended on an ego-booster for her, it was still her mother's funeral and still incredibly difficult. She barely said a word on the car ride home.<p>

I let her go change her clothes and get a soda from the fridge before I bombard her with what's on my mind. "Casey, we need to talk about that job offer. We could make it work. We could - "

Casey holds up her hand to stop me as she comes over to sit next to me on the couch. "I told you I turned it down. It wouldn't work for us…especially now."

I frown at the way she said that. "What do you mean 'especially now'?"

Casey reaches for my hand. "I have something I need to tell you, Alex. Can you come to the bedroom with me?"

I obediently let her lead me into our bedroom. She's acting off; nervous and avoiding eye contact with me, which makes me feel uneasy.

Casey smiles at me and spins me around so I'm facing her. Then she makes me sit on the bed and stands in front of me gazing into my eyes. "I'm not very good with this type of thing. I've gone over what I want to say a million times in my head. But it still doesn't sound right to me." I can see a faint trace of a smile on her face, which fills me with immediate relief. "But I'm going to say it anyway."

Without another word she lets go of my hands and sits beside me. She holds my hand in her lap and begins rubbing the back of it with her thumb. Her green eyes are boring into my own, and she smiles again. "I love you, Alexandra Cabot."

Her declaration of love makes me feel guilty. Dirty.

"I love you too. But not when you call me Alexandra. That kind of makes me hate you." I have to crack a joke to cover up my internal feelings.

To my immense surprise, Casey shushes me. "Alex, no joking. I'm actually being serious for once. You are seeing the serious side of Casey Novak, so pay close attention."

It's true; Casey being serious is also out of character. She usually perpetually playful with me. The only time she's ever serious is regarding work or our relationship. I don't think this has anything to do with work, so I guess whatever she's about to say falls under the "relationship" category.

And then a horrible thought occurs to me – does she _know_? Does she somehow know what Olivia and I did? Has Olivia told her?

Absentmindedly I reach out and tuck a strand of her red hair behind her ear. She went to the trouble of making her hair wavy for me today because she knows I like it. And I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her. I deserve to be alone.

Casey is looking at me with the most loving gaze I have ever seen and I nearly have to look away. It hurts me too badly now to look into her eyes. It takes everything I have not to burst into tears. God, how can I be doing this to her?

"This isn't how I imagined doing this. This wasn't the time or place. I was going to wait and make it much more romantic…but I can't wait, Alex. We buried my mother today and it made me realize that life and people in our lives are precious. This has been the worst week of my life but I think it can end on a good note tonight." I feel Casey squeeze my hand and I prepare myself to hear whatever it is she's going to say to me. "Alex, I know we've only been together for a year and that's a short time to be with someone, but I want you to know I've never been happier. Ever. You accepted me and all that I am, and loved me in spite of all my baggage. You've comforted me, kept me sane, gave me advice, been my friend, been my lover, been my family…and I hope I've been the same to you. My favorite part of the day is coming home to you here in our apartment. I love riding my scooter with you and going for walks. I love cuddling with you in front of the TV. I don't feel complete until I'm in your arms or until you're in mine. I can't sleep unless you're beside me, and I can't wake up without your kiss. I never thought I would have someone in my life that I loved so much; someone that meant so much to me. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about another human being. But it is, because I do. I look ahead to my future and all I see is you. There is no one else for me."

Oh my God….I'm crying now. There's no way to stop it. Casey's heartfelt words are stabbing me right in the heart, making me feel lower with every word she speaks.

Casey suddenly releases my hand and takes a deep breath. "So, Alex, I want to ask you something." She reaches into her jeans pocket, and with a shaking hand pulls out a small velvet box. My eyes go wide and I nearly gasp when I realize what she's doing. She pops the box open, revealing a beautiful, sparkling diamond ring that probably cost her three months' salary. "Alex Cabot, will you do me the extreme honor of marrying me?"

This can't be happening to me. Two weeks ago I was planning on asking Casey the same question she just asked me. Two weeks ago I would have thrown my arms around Casey and screamed "yes" at the top of my lungs over and over again. I would have been deliriously happy and unable to form any coherent words. Two weeks ago nothing would have made me happier than marrying Casey Novak. Two weeks ago…before Olivia.

Casey is waiting for me to answer, so I let my eyes travel from the elegant ring to her hopeful eyes, and then I can't take it anymore. I lose all my resolve and I burst into tears, covering my face with both of my hands to hide my shame.

"Alex…" Casey says, touching my back and rubbing it gently. That affectionate gesture usually calms me right down, but now has the opposite effect. "Oh, Alex, it's okay! I didn't mean to overwhelm you. If it's too soon, I understand. I'm sorry."

She thinks I don't want to marry her. She thinks I'm rejecting her. She's going to think she's not good enough.

And none of that is true. Casey is the most wonderful girl in the world and I can't let her think I don't want her.

And then I realize what has to happen. I have to tell her the truth _right now_. She has to know what I've been doing and why I can't marry her. Why I don't _deserve _to marry her.

Casey is still rubbing my back, resting her cheek against mine and assuring me that it's okay. But I know it's not.

My crying fit finally subsides enough for me to be able to speak. I dab my eyes with my arm, and force myself to look at Casey. She offers me a hesitant smile, those warm green eyes never once looking away. My stomach does a flip-flop as I prepare to do the one thing I promised I would never do to her – break her heart.

I close the velvet box and shove it towards Casey on the bed. She looks at it and then at me, a hurt expression gracing her face. She's confused, and getting the wrong idea.

"Casey…I can't marry you." Those are the most difficult words I've ever spoken. I almost couldn't get them out.

Casey doesn't respond right away. She simply looks away from me and picks the box up off the bed. I can tell she's hurt. When she looks at me again she has tears shining in her eyes. "It's too soon, isn't it?"

I shake my head. This has nothing to do with timing. I would have married her on our sixth month anniversary; I know that without a doubt. "No, Casey it's not that….it's me…"

Casey gives me a half-hearted smile. "You're one that never wants to get married, right?" She shakes her head. "I guess I just made a fool of myself…" She puts the box back in her pocket and moves to get up off the bed, but I grab her arm and pull her back down.

"No," I quickly assure her. "No; you _didn't._ You're wonderful and I would marry you. I was actually going to propose myself. But now…"

_Alex, make this short. Just tell her. She deserves to know. Don't string her along._

I don't think I've ever felt this much pain before. I know I'm about to break the heart of the woman I love most in this world. No physical pain could even come _close _to this.

I take a moment to gather my thoughts. Then I look Casey in the eyes again and say, "Casey…we need to talk…"

And then, without stopping, I tell Casey everything.

**So...what do you think? I did a lot of re-writing on this before I got it the way I wanted. What do you think is going to happen now? Are Olivia and Alex REALLY over? What is Casey's reaction to Alex's confession going to be? Where do they go from here? Please review and tell me what you think!**


	31. Chapter 31

**Here is the update :) Another quick one! Thanks to everyone for sticking with the story and reading and reviewing! Enjoy :)**

Once I've finished my confession I immediately stop talking and look at Casey. I don't try to make excuses. I don't try to defend myself. There is no defense for what I did.

I'll never forget the look on Casey's face at that moment. It will stay burned into my memory for the rest of my life. She stares at me in disbelief and I can actually pinpoint the exact moment that her heart shatters. I swear I can even hear it.

She processes what I've just told her and the only words she can utter are, "Alex…how could you…" before she bursts into tears.

My own heart is shattering right now. I reach for Casey but she gets up off the bed, hurrying out of my reach. I immediately get up after her. "Casey! Please!"

We're almost to the door when Casey spins around to face me. The pain and disappointment in her green eyes nearly brings me right down to my knees. I grab for her wrist again but she pushes my hand away once more. Casey is facing me now. She has a near-constant flow of tears cascading down her cheeks. "Don't touch me, Alex. You gave up that right the first time you kissed Olivia."

My heart clenches even more. If it keeps doing this I am going to suffocate. This is the worst moment of my life. My beautiful and sweet girlfriend just proposed to me, something I was planning to do for her. And now her heart is broken by the person she loves the most.

"Casey," I say desperately, my voice catching in my throat. Tears are coming now and I don't even try to stop them. "_Please_. I made a mistake. I told you there is nothing between us. It's completely over."

"You kissed her _twice_!" Casey shouts at me. "Twice! You took your shirts off…you touched each other. You were about to go all the way, Alex."

"But I didn't!" I rush out. "Casey, I didn't! I thought of you and I…couldn't."

Casey just shakes her head in disbelief. "But you still thought you might love her. And instead of telling me you kept it a secret and did it _again_. And I just can't…I can't…" Casey stops talking, a fit of tears overtaking her. She has to grab the dresser to keep from falling over.

I want to take her in my arms and make everything okay…but I know I can't. It would be unwelcome right now. I can only stand there watching Casey endure the pain I caused.

"Casey; let's talk. Let's sit and talk," I try, slowly and softly.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" she demands when she can catch her breath again. "If I hadn't proposed, would you have said anything?"

"I told you I was going to. I held off because of your mother. I was going to tell you this weekend."

"My mother was right about you. She was so hesitant to endorse our relationship. She said you would hurt me but I told her you never would. And she's probably watching right now, knowing she was right all along. You supposedly loving me, me loving you…it should have been enough to stop you. But it didn't. You did it _twice_ and then you still weren't sure. If you could throw away what we had so easily, you obviously never loved me in the first place."

She turns to leave again and this time gets as far as our apartment door before I'm able to physically stop her. I actually put my body between Casey and the door, keeping her from leaving. I'm so desperate to keep her here and make her realize I love her that I will do _anything _to make that happen.

"Casey…" Tears run down my cheeks as I desperately plead with her. "I love you."

Those three words break Casey. She bursts out into a fresh set of tears and pushes me away from her. "Stop lying, Alex. Goodbye."

She manages to get out the door and suddenly I'm following her down the hallway, begging her to stop and turn around. I'm telling her I love her and apologizing and she just keeps getting closer and closer to the lobby without stopping, crying and acting as if I'm not there at all.

I have no pride right now. Fellow tenants are staring at the scene unfolding in front of them in the lobby and the doorman is watching us with wide eyes as I continue to pursue and beg Casey. My heart hurts so badly right now and I know it will never heal if Casey doesn't turn around right now and go back to the apartment with me. _Our _apartment.

We reach the front door and Casey turns to look at me once more. "I'll be back tomorrow to get my stuff."

_No. No, no, no, no, no!_ This _can't _be happening!

"Casey…" I say again, barely above a whisper. I'm aware of sets of eyes on me but right now I don't care at all. I left my pride on the floor in our bedroom. "_Please_…"

Casey shakes her head. "No. You just lost me forever, Alex. Goodbye."

I watch her go out the door and this time I don't follow. I've gone as far as I can. I stand cemented in the same spot until she's disappeared from my sight.

And then I allow the tears to consume me. I shout "No!" at the top of my lungs, falling to my knees on the carpeted floor.

For the first time in my life I can't talk or buy my way out of something.

* * *

><p>I've sunk back into the black abyss of emptiness that I was floating in a year ago when Olivia broke my heart. Only this time it's my fault.<p>

I honestly think I'm soulless. There can be no other explanation for what I've done. If I had a soul, I would not have been able to look into Casey's beautiful green eyes and lie to her multiple times. I know Casey has a soul; I can see it in her eyes. And I wonder what she sees when she looks at me…I mean, when she _used _to look at me? Could she tell I'm an empty shell? Are my eyes as empty as I feel inside?

I read this book several months back about a relationship between two immortals. Just the typical paranormal vampire-type novels that are popular nowadays. Not something usually on my reading list, that's for sure; but Casey had made me read it. I remember liking it much more than I thought I would. There was such passion and love between the two main characters. A burning internal love, like I thought Casey and I had.

In the book an immortal can only be killed by removing their soul. Once their soul is torn from their human body it's sent to a place called Shadowland, where it floats forever in darkness and despair, never ending. Never again seeing the love of their lifetimes. That's the price they pay for their immortality.

I think I'm in Shadowland now. My punishment for hurting the woman I love more than anything in this world is to live forever like this – heartbroken and guilty.

I can't look anywhere in the apartment and not think of Casey. Her essence is everywhere. The teddy bear she bought me on her trip to Washington DC sits on our dresser, I'm wearing the locket she bought me for Christmas, the iPod she got me for my birthday last year before we even started dating is in the top drawer of my dresser. There are photos of us together on my laptop and cell phone.

It's unimaginable torture being here without her. Today was her mother's funeral. It has been such an awful hard week for Casey and she should be here with me now cuddling with me and sharing fond memories of her mother. That's what should have happened. But instead I broke her heart into a million pieces and she ran away and left me alone.

Casey loves me so much that she proposed to me. She spent money she could ill-afford to buy me a beautiful ring. Because that's how she much she loves me. Or _loved _me, I should say.

I'm sitting on my bed with my knees pulled up to my chest engrossed in what has to be my millionth crying session tonight when my cell phone rings, startling me.

Even though I know it's not her, for one happy moment I think it may be Casey but my heart falls when I look at the caller ID. It's my mother.

As soon as I answer, mom is talking about the funeral. "The funeral was so beautiful, dear. And it was such a joy meeting Casey's father and brother. I wish it was under different circumstances, but even so, I'm glad we got to meet them. How is Casey, honey? Have you decided when you're going to talk to her?"

"Mom," I start, trying to keep my voice devoid of emotion and stop it from quivering. "Casey proposed to me tonight."

There's a moment of silence over the phone before my mother says, "I know."

My eyes go wide and I clutch the phone tightly. "You _know_? How could you possibly know?"

"I didn't know she was going to do it tonight, but I knew she was going to propose. Casey called me last week and discussed it with me. She wanted to get me and your father's approval; isn't that sweet? Of course we gave it to her."

I have no idea how to respond to this. Casey asked my parent's permission to marry me…if that's not dedication I don't know what is.

"Why didn't you tell, mom? Why didn't you tell me after I told you what happened with Olivia?" I demand, feeling angry with my mother for keeping this secret but angrier with myself for what I let happen.

"I couldn't tell you, honey. I wanted to…it was so hard not to. But I knew if I told you it might change things. It might have made you change your mind about coming clean to Casey."

"It wouldn't have changed my mind. It would have made it easier; I could have been prepared. Casey caught me off-guard. It was a horrible time to break the news to her, but after the declaration of love she gave me I couldn't put it off anymore. I confessed after she proposed. I was going to propose to her myself, mom. I had a ring all picked out. I was going to propose on our one-year anniversary. I was going to take her to dinner and make it really romantic." I'm tearing up again as I think of the wonderful proposal I was going to give Casey.

"Alex, dear, you can still give that to her. What was Casey's reaction? Did you two talk?"

I shake my head, even though my mom can't see it. "She's gone. We barely talked…we were both so upset. I followed her out of the apartment just begging her to turn around. But she didn't. She said she's coming tomorrow to get her things." I burst into a fresh set of tears as I re-live that horrible moment in my mind. "She's gone, mom! My Casey is gone! I can't stand not having her here…this is her home. I'm the worst person in the world. I really am. I miss her already. I want her back."

My mother says soothing words to me over the phone as I hysterically cry and tell her how much I love Casey and how awful I feel. "She's done so much for me, mom. She's been patient and caring and put up with so much. Even when I was treating her badly she still stood by me. I forgot her birthday, I let my job consume me, I snapped at her for stupid things…and she still wanted me. She still _loved _me. And I threw her away like all her exes did. I'll never forgive myself. And Casey won't either."

"I understand how you feel. Things are very dire right now; I won't lie to you. But don't give up on Casey. She still loves you. You made a mistake, Alex, and Casey reacted appropriately to the mistake you made. It's your job to make it right now. Consider everything Casey has done for you and channel it outward back to her. You need to prove your love and trust to her all over again. It may take time, but don't give up. If you believe Casey is worth fighting for…then fight for her."

I wipe my eyes and clear my throat. "How can I do that if Casey won't give me a chance?"

"It may take time, Alex. Start tomorrow. When Casey comes to get her things, don't let her leave until you've talked. A year together is a long time and you both owe it to each other to talk. And whatever Casey says out of anger or sadness, let her say it. Don't disagree or argue with her. She needs to say whatever she needs to say. And you need to be there."

I let my mother's words sink in. I hope the phrase 'Mother knows best' is really correct. I hope I can make Casey listen to me.

* * *

><p>I'm up at seven the next day. Sunday. The day I was going to confess to Casey.<p>

I think I slept for about an hour last night. I spent most of the night crying and scrolling through photos of me and Casey that are saved to the memory card on my cell phone. There are so many….so many good memories.

I didn't think I had so many tears in me. I thought I had cried a lot when Olivia left, but that was nothing compared to this. I've cried so much over Casey that I really think I've used up my tears quota and will never cry again.

I wanted to be up early because I have no idea what time Casey is coming over. I worried about her all night, hoping she hadn't done anything drastic and that she was safe and getting some rest. But I'm sure she spent her night much the same way I spent mine.

I'm following my mother's advice and trying to talk to Casey. I can't let her go; not like this. Not until she hears me out. The love I have for her is so strong that I feel actual pain in my heart because she's not here and it's only been less than twenty-four hours. Imagine how it would be if she's _never _here again.

It's after eleven AM when there's a knock on the door. I'm gripped with panic as I literally run to open it. Casey has a key…why didn't she just come in? And then I realize it's probably because she doesn't consider this her home anymore, and that hurts me deeply.

I pull the door open expecting to be staring at my beautiful Casey. But instead I'm staring at the person who caused this mess – Olivia.

I've never been this angry about just seeing someone before. I swear my face is turning red and I'm gripping the doorknob so tightly I fear I'll break my hand. "What the hell are you doing here? I told you to leave me alone!"

Olivia steps around me and into the apartment. "I came to talk to you. Apologize for what's happened."

I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Don't make yourself comfortable. You're _not _staying. Everything that's happening, this pain I'm in…it's all _your_ fault, Olivia! If you hadn't come here and tried to tear me away from Casey I wouldn't be in this state."

"So everything is my fault?" Olivia demand, copying my arms-crossed stance. "Everything? I may have come back here and wanted to win you back, but _you_ could have resisted. It's partly my fault…but mostly yours. You made the choice to kiss me and fool around with me. I didn't force you. You were with Casey and you still chose to do it. _You _made the choice."

I swallow the words I was going to say because I know Olivia is right. It's easier to blame her but deep down I know this is solely my fault, my mess. "So what did you come to apologize for, then?"

"For offering you that choice. You chose to take it, but I offered it to you for my own selfish reasons and for that I am sorry. But I do still love you, Alex. I'll never stop loving you. I thought we could be together again but I know now that's impossible. So I came to tell you that I'm going back to California. I'm going to let you go, because that's how much I love you. I won't interfere in your life anymore. And I really hope you can work things out with Casey."

This is unbelievably insane. Olivia blew in here like a hurricane, left my life in ruins, and now she's moving out just as quickly as she came in? It's that easy for her?

"It's that simple, huh?" I demand. "You come back here and sabotage my relationship with the love of my life, try to manipulate me into choosing you, and when that doesn't work you run away with your tail between your legs? Do you have any idea the fallout I am facing now?"

"I'm sorry. But it's your doing, Alex."

"Casey loved me!" I scream at Olivia, letting the tears return. "She loved me, Olivia! And I threw it all away for you." I put my hand on my chest. I think my heart actually hurts right now. I don't think I've ever felt this bad. I swallow before I speak again. "I hurt so badly right now. But I guess I deserve this, for hurting Casey."

"Alex – "

But I go on. "When Casey came back to work for the DA's office, I was downright awful to her. I couldn't pay her a compliment if my life depended on it. I made her job endlessly frustrating and yet she still…" I'm getting choked up again. "She still wanted to be my friend and still wanted to do everything to please me. She's an incredible person. I broke her heart…when I promised I never would."

Olivia doesn't miss a beat. "Well that was your choice, wasn't it?"

I scowl at her. "Yeah. And so is this – get the hell out of my apartment and my life. I don't want to see your face or hear your voice ever again. Whatever game you were playing here, it's done."

Olivia's expression softens and I see tears in her brown eyes. "It wasn't a game, Alex. I really do love you."

It's at this moment that Casey walks in the door. Of all the times she could choose to show up, she comes when Olivia is here.

Olivia and I both look at her, identical expressions of surprise written across our faces. Casey looks equally as surprised as she closes the door and steps into the apartment. She's carrying two large cardboard boxes.

I'm immediately moving towards her. "Casey – Olivia was just leaving. This isn't – "

Casey holds up her hand and walks right by me. "Save it, Alex. I don't care what you guys are doing. It's not my business anymore."

She tries to sound hard and cold but fails miserably. I can hear the hurt in her voice and read it in her eyes. She's beyond devastated and trying so hard to keep herself together.

Without a word to either of us she sits one of the boxes down on the floor and starts loading her Wii and all accessories into it. Then she takes the DVDs that are hers and stacks them in the box as well.

This is heartbreaking for me to watch. Casey removing things from the apartment means this is real, that this really _isn't _her home anymore and that momentarily she's going to be gone.

I know I have to do something – _anything _– to stop her. I can't lose her.

But Olivia beats me to it. As Casey stands back up and begins to check on her ferret in the corner of the room, Olivia follows her.

"Casey….I'm sorry about how I went about things…"

Casey has the door to the cage open and she's petting the ferret when she quickly spins around to face Olivia, her eyes flashing. "Went about things? You tried to steal Alex from me, that's how you 'went about things'! And you succeeded." I hear the quiver in her voice as she turns back around. "Congratulations."

"I'm leaving, Casey. I'm not staying. That's what I came to say to Alex. We're not together. I want us to be…I love Alex more than anything in this world…but I'm letting her go."

Casey doesn't turn around again. She's still fooling with the ferret and I know it's because she's crying and doesn't want us to see it.

"I did this out of love, Casey. I really do love Alex."

Casey keeps her back to Olivia but says, "You don't want to talk to me. Back away and leave me alone."

Olivia keeps apologizing but to me it sounds as if she's trying to push Casey's buttons. Rub it in that she won even though she doesn't have me.

"I would treat her right, Casey," Olivia says.

"Get away from me…" Casey says again, louder this time. "_Do not _talk to me."

"I'm sorry it had to end this way. I never intended – "

Faster than either of us can react, Casey spins around and backhands Olivia as hard as she can. I can actually hear the sound of the back of her hand on Olivia's cheek. The look on Casey's face is pure anger and sorrow, and I have never seen her like that before.

Olivia stumbles back, her hand going up to the side of her face where Casey had just struck her. She stares at Casey in surprise and for a moment I'm scared she's going to retaliate but instead she removes her hand from her face and looks at me. The side of her lip is bleeding. Not a lot, but enough for someone to be able to tell she was hit.

My eyes go to Casey, who is standing there looking at Olivia like she can't believe what she has just done. Then she walks right up to Olivia and gets in her face. "Be thankful that's all you get. There's nothing I would love more than to kick your ass right now. I've never done that before and I'll bet it's liberating. I realize you have all the police training and you're under the impression that you're tough, but let me tell you, I'm so angry and hurt right now that all your training and toughness wouldn't help you at all. But I won't touch you. Not because I'm afraid of you, Olivia. But because you're not worth it. And neither is Alex."

Her words seem to have an impact on Olivia. They stare each other down for several seconds until Casey backs away from her and Olivia visibly relaxes. She adjusts the collar on her shirt awkwardly, touches her bleeding lip again, and says nothing else to Casey.

I condone violence or threats, but Olivia deserved what she just got. Casey starts walking towards the bedroom and it's my turn to get in Olivia's face. "Get the hell out of here. I want you out of this apartment within the next minute."

Then I hurry out of the living room to catch up with Casey. She's in the bedroom already packing up her laptop and jewelry. She has her other box sitting on the bed and she's quickly filling it.

I don't go into the bedroom. I linger in the doorway watching her, my heart breaking with every item she tosses into the box. I'm getting closer to losing every part of her, and I know it. Suddenly, without thinking, I say, "We didn't have sex, Casey. That has to prove something to you."

She stops her packing and finally turns around to face me. She's not crying now, but I can tell she has been. "It only proves that if I hadn't called you and poured my heart out in a voicemail message then you _would _have had sex. If it had happened once I could forgive you, Alex. It would have meant it was a slip-up and your mind had been clouded from the return of your former girlfriend. If it had happened just that once and you would have told me right away, we could have worked through it. But you didn't. You let it happen again and you kept it from me. You _lied _to me. And that's unforgiveable. I'm a very forgiving person, as you know. I've forgiven all my exes. But I won't forgive you."

Casey's words sting and I look away in shame, tears filling my eyes again as Casey continues. "I won't forgive you because you hurt me more than all of them combined. I have given you everything, Alex. I took care of you after your accident, I took you to the emergency room in the middle of the night when you had Bronchitis, I put up with the abusive comments you'd give me when you were tired or stressed by your job. It wasn't easy being your girlfriend. You even forgot my birthday, Alex! You hurt me countless times and I forgave you every time because I loved you. True, genuine love. And I thought I was getting the same love from you. But I guess not."

Another tear slides down my cheek. "I did love you, Casey. I still do. You have to believe that. Remember when we talked about you trying to commit suicide? I meant it when I said you didn't die because we were meant to be together. I still believe it, Casey. You didn't die that night because you're supposed to be here with me now."

"I wish I _had_ died!" Casey shouts back at me angrily. Her voice is loud and quivering but she doesn't stop. "I wish it had killed me so I wasn't still here screwing up like I always do! I hate myself, Alex! I tried to love myself, but I can't. There's something about me that's completely unlovable. Every person I have ever loved has hurt me – when I've done nothing but _love _them. And I thought you were different. I thought I'd found someone I could share my life with. I thought you loved me just as much as I loved you. But it turns out you're just like everyone else." Tears start to pour down her cheeks as she continues. "No – you're worse. You're the worst type of person there is. Because you wasted my heart. I'll never heal from this. I'll never trust or love again – all because of you. You are selfish, Alex! Every bit of pain that we're both going through is because of you! And I can't take it anymore." She starts to cry, and I feel my heart break more. "I can't take it. I know I'm supposed to be an adult not cry, but I don't care. I can't. You hurt me too badly."

I'm crying freely now as well as I step into the bedroom. I don't approach Casey but I go as far as the bed. "Casey…please don't leave me. Please. I won't be able to live without you. _Please_. We can work through this, I know we can!"

Casey shakes her head and starts packing again. "I told you we can't, Alex. It's over."

And then I've resorted to begging again. I lost my pride yesterday when I followed her to the lobby so I have nothing else to lose now. I'm frantically calling her name in a desperate attempt to get her to stop what she's doing. But she's ignoring me, acting as if I'm only part of the décor in the room.

"Casey, stop! Don't do this!"

She continues to ignore me as she continues quickly and hastily starts throwing items inside the box. And I mean throwing in the literal sense – I can swear I hear glass breaking as she drops a picture frame from the dresser inside and then sidesteps around me and begins removes her items from the dresser.

"Casey," I try again, coming right up beside her as she continues her quest of taking everything of importance to her off the dresser and out of the drawers. "_Listen _to me. You don't have to do this. We're stronger than this – "

Finally, she turns around and looks at me. I no longer see love and compassion in her eyes. Right now I see only anger and betrayal. She hates me. I can read it clearly in her eyes. She can't stand the sight of me.

And it hurts me so deeply that I want to fall to my knees and ask her forgiveness again, tell her I'm the most rotten human being in the world and that I don't deserve a second chance but that I still hope she'll give me one. I want to cry and scream and tell her I still love her; that being with Olivia again was the biggest mistake of my life. That I'm so confused and have so much internal turmoil that I really think it's going to kill me.

But I can't. I can't say or do any of those things. I've already pleaded my case to her, already cried more than I thought I was capable of and already told Casey she still has my heart.

But I don't have hers anymore. I gave that up the first time I kissed Olivia.

"Get out of my way, Alex," Casey says sternly, her voice icy cold and her eyes accusing. "I have nothing more to say to you."

I watch as Casey finishes with the drawers and starts packing her clothes from the closet. She's acting as if I'm not here again, but I'm not going to let her do this. I can't.

She bends down to pick up the box, but I grab her wrist to stop her. She immediately puts her eyes on mine. "I won't let you do this. You can't walk out of here. You can't give up. That's not you."

"That's not me?" Casey echoes angrily. She pulls her wrist from my grasp and continues to stare angrily at me. "I'm not 'me' anymore. You made sure of that. And I can't stay here. I can't be with you…it hurts too much…" She closes her eyes and lets out a breath. "It hurts, and I'm not strong enough to deal with it." She's trying to sound calm and collected, but her wavering voice gives way to how she really feels.

The same way I feel. That knot in my stomach tightens and all I want to do is find a time machine and go back to two weeks ago and tell Olivia that I won't ever consider taking her back. I want to tell her to go away and leave me and Casey alone to be happy. As I _should _have done.

I close my eyes and try to gather my thoughts, and when I open my eyes again, Casey is crying. I feel so badly and want desperately to hug her, but I know any type of contact will be unwelcome right now and probably forever. I've lost her; lost her forever, just like she told me that night at our apartment. I blew it. No more chances for me; I have exceeded my quota of them. Her heart has been broken too many times already and my breaking it just caused it to shatter for the final time.

And I know how she feels. The same way I felt when Olivia left me. Horrible, unimaginable pain I never wished upon anyone else. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to suffer through that. And here I am inflicting that pain on the person I love the most.

"Casey…please…" I try again, choking up. The words get caught in my throat and I have to clear it before I can speak again. "I am so sorry. Please just talk to me."

Casey doesn't even hesitate to shoot me down. She wipes her eyes with her sleeve and shakes her head. "No. I told you I have nothing to say to you. We said everything we had to say yesterday. Now get out of my way so I can email my resignation to Ketner and get the hell out of here."

"No," I tell her back, my familiar stubbornness resurfacing. "I'm not letting you walk out of here. You have to let me prove I'm sorry. You owe me that much."

"_Owe _you? I don't owe you anything, Alex! You have no idea what you did to me!"

"I do know. Casey, I – "

"You don't know!" she screams at me, and it's so loud and sudden that I take a step back. "I loved you, Alex. _Loved _you. The way I've never loved anyone; I gave you my whole heart. And you - " she stops talking and attempts to hold her emotions together. "And you ripped it out of my chest, stomped on it, and gave it back to me. You lied to me for two weeks. _Two weeks. _Told me you and Olivia were trying to be friends, nothing more. And I believed you. I believed your lies and never once doubted you. Never. Not even the night you told me you were having Olivia over; I didn't even doubt you then. I never once worried that you were cheating on me. You know why?"

I nod and look away from her, ashamed. "Because you trusted me."

"Because I put every ounce of trust I had into you. I never thought you would lie to me. And then to find out you lied everyday to me? Do you know how that made me feel?"

I don't speak, because I _do _know how that made her feel.

"I'm in pain, Alex, and you put me here! You – the person who's supposed to love me!" She stops again and successfully holds back a fresh round of tears. "You were supposed to be better than this."

I was supposed to be. But I'm not. I'm no better than her ex, Darren. In fact, I'm worse. I hurt her much more deeply than he ever could.

I'm at a loss as to what to do right now. I've made such a mess that it's irreparable. All these years I've been able to talk my way out of everything. Until now.

Casey looks down at her box and back up to me. "Don't say anything. Just don't. You're making it worse by being here. Every time I look at you I hurt so badly inside that I can't take it. So don't make this harder for me. Just step out of my way so I can leave this place – and you – behind."

I'm letting my tears flow freely now. I want to find the right thing to say to make her stay, but I know it doesn't exist. And I love her so much that I'm willing to respect her wishes. So I step out of the way so she can pass by me.

She does so quickly, but when she gets to the door, she turns back around to face me. That pained expression is still on her face, and seeing it finishes breaking me. "Thank you for the ferret. He's proven to be more loyal than you and I'm taking him with me. You can have the TV. Oh, and I'm taking that job with Senator Palmer's office in Washington. Effective immediately. And don't you dare come looking for me, Alex. Once I walk out of this building, you will _never _see me again, do you understand?"

I'm sobbing so hard that all I can do is nod as she disappears out of the bedroom. I hear my apartment door slam, and then I allow myself to fall onto my bed and succumb to the pain and sadness.

**So...what did you think? Did it grab you emotionally? Make you feel for Casey...or Alex? What do you think will happen now? Will Alex fight for Casey? If so, will Casey take her back? Will she go back to Olivia? Please leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	32. Chapter 32

**Here is your update! Over 600 reviews...WOW and THANKS! I am thrilled that so many people like this story. Hope you enjoy this chapter**

On Monday morning I can barely force myself to get out of bed. Sunday night was spent crying and missing my Casey. I can't believe it hurts so much not having her here.

I find Casey's toothbrush in the bathroom and I break down crying yet again. I grip the edge of the sink, squeezing it tightly and leaning into the sink to steady myself. It's several minutes before I'm composed enough to stand back up. And when I do I pick up Casey's toothbrush and hold it, as if that simple act will undo what happened and Casey will come up behind me with her messy bed-hair and hug me from behind like she always used to.

But of course that doesn't happen so I put her toothbrush back into its holder and stare at myself in the mirror. I look awful. These past sleepless nights have taken their toll on me; I have dark bags under both eyes and my normally perfect hair is tangled and lifeless.

I have no motivation to get ready for the day. Truth be told, I don't even want to _face _the day. I want to go back to bed and curl up into a ball and disappear.

Somehow I make myself shower but that's as far as I get. I start to get dressed but suddenly all my energy is drained and instead I grab my bathrobe and quickly put it on. I have to stifle a cry; Casey's bathrobe is hanging right next to mine in the closet.

I go to the dresser and pick up the locket that Casey gave me, my favorite thing I own. I run my thumb over the inscription on the back and then I pop it open and smile sadly at the beautiful picture of us together.

My heart breaks again as I realize we'll never be together again. I did a foolish thing and I gave that up. My one chance to be happy is gone forever.

I thought I knew happy before. When I was with Olivia I _thought _I was happy. I know we really did love each other but when I look back on the relationship now I can't remember ever being as happy as I was with Casey. Casey is so thoughtful and spontaneous. She'd always send me flowers or leave me cute notes. Olivia was thoughtful too, but Casey's gestures went deeper. She'd say and do the right thing at the right time and no matter how rotten I was feeling, Casey always improved my mood and made me smile. The playfulness I used to find immature about her is actually one of her greatest assets.

I abandon all plans to get ready for the day and instead I go sit down cross-legged on the couch. The TV is off and I don't even bother to turn it on. My heart clenches when I remember what an awful time I gave Casey about getting that TV and how she was so willing to return it just because it was what I wanted.

Casey was always like that. Going out of her way to make me happy no matter the cost to her.

I decide to use up another personal day today. I have never missed this much work and normally I'd be furious with myself, but today I don't even care. I know I can't face anyone in the state I'm in. I know I won't be any better tomorrow or the next day but at least I'll have an extra day to try and compose myself and grieve over the loss of the best relationship I've ever had.

It's painful sitting on the couch. Casey and I used to cuddle here all the time. She'd lie on my shoulder or I'd lie on hers and we'd eat popcorn or whatever other junk food Casey brought home that night. We'd watch movies – usually ones that I let Casey pick. I hated almost all of her movies but the pleasure of being with her so intimately was worth watching a bad movie.

I let my mind wander back to one evening in particular, about a week or so before Christmas.

_It's well after midnight when I get home. I had planned on being home no later than ten, but I had to meet with a witness before tomorrow and the only time he could meet with me was tonight after his shift at his job. I had met him at the grocery store where he worked and his boss had let us use his private office to go over his testimony._

_The apartment is quiet and I conclude that Casey probably went to bed. She had a long day today too and she's fighting off a cold that just seems to keep lingering on. I quickly and quietly remove my coat and boots and sit my briefcase down on the coffee table in front of the couch._

_Our Christmas tree against the back wall catches my eye and I smile lightly. The lights on the tree are out; Casey must have forget to plug them in. I quickly move to the tree and put the cord in the socket, causing the tree to instantly spring to life in a bright glow._

_The tree really is beautiful once you get past the pine smell and the constant needle droppings. It's the first time I ever had a real tree in my apartment. Olivia and I always used an artificial one. I never liked the mess or the upkeep of a real tree. _

_But Casey…she wouldn't accept an artificial tree. We had gone back and forth about this for nearly a whole day. We had laid out our arguments like two opposing attorneys. My stance was that it didn't matter if the tree were real or if we even had one at all because we were spending Christmas at my parent's house anyway and __**they **__always have a real tree. Casey's argument had been that it wasn't Christmas with a "plastic" tree and even though we weren't going to be home for Christmas, we still needed a tree that was __**ours.**_

_Guess who won that debate?_

_I admit it was actually fun going to pick out our tree. We had trudged through the freshly fallen snow at the tree farm with other excited customers until we found the perfect one. Perfect in Casey's eyes, anyway. To me it looked like all the others. But she had really gotten into the selection and later had told me she chose the tree she did because it reminded her of me – tall, proud and strong. How the heck could I __**not **__love the tree after that?_

_We had decorated it together that night too. My strands of lights were so tangled that Casey and I had given up after we threw them to the floor and exploded in a fit of laughter over how frustrated they made us. We made a late night run to Walgreens and picked up another set, as well as the garland that Casey had insisted upon._

_I go get myself a drink of water from the kitchen and then make my way to the bedroom. Casey left the hallway lights on; probably so I wouldn't trip and break my neck on my way to the bedroom. How considerate of her._

_The bedroom door is open and I find my adorable girlfriend sitting up in bed using her pillow as backrest, the bedside lamp turned on and a book open on her lap…and completely dead asleep. _

_I smile as I make my way over to her. She was obviously trying to stay awake for me. God, she's so cute and wonderful._

_I change into my night clothes as quickly and quietly as possible and then go into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I come out Casey is still asleep in the same position, so I carefully remove the book from her lap and put it on the night stand beside her._

_She still hasn't awakened. She's not usually this heavy of a sleeper; she must be exhausted. I smile again at the sight of her and quietly slide into bed beside her. I'm about to reach across her and turn the light out when Casey's hand suddenly shoots out and grabs my wrist, startling me._

"_Welcome home, beautiful."_

_I laugh lightly. "God, Casey, you scared me! I thought you were asleep."_

_Casey giggles and pulls herself upright again. "I was. I woke up just as you were going into the bathroom. I thought it would be funny to startle you."_

_I put my arm around her shoulder and pull her close. She snuggles into my shoulder. "Well, you succeeded. And I'm so sorry I was late. You know how much I wanted to spend the evening with you." I start rubbing her arm. "I was admiring your beautiful Christmas tree."_

"_It's __**our **__tree, Alex."_

_I smile again. "I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about that too." I kiss the top of her head. "I really don't deserve you, you know that? Why do you put up with me?"_

"_Because I love you, Alex," Casey says, pulling away from my shoulder so she can lock her green eyes on mine. She intertwines our fingers together as she speaks again. "When you love someone you __**love **__them, flaws and all. I'm so lucky to have you. You're beautiful, intelligent, strong and compassionate. I have the whole package and every day I'm thankful for that."_

_I feel my heart swell with pride because I know Casey means every word she says. "Compassionate? Not many people would use that word to describe me…"_

"_No; I agree. But it applies to you, even if you don't believe it. You always try to distance yourself from your emotions and act as if nothing gets to you, but those who love you know the truth. We know how personally you take everything and how badly you feel for the victims you fight for. You try to hide your heart away because you're afraid some people see it as a weakness; but it's actually your greatest asset." This time she kisses me. "I love you, Alex Cabot. I know it's not Christmas yet, but I already got my gift. I got it months ago. It's you."_

_We spend a few minutes looking into each other's eyes and holding hands. My eyes have filled with tears over Casey's beautiful words and I can't resist leaning over to give her another kiss. _

_As soon as we break apart, Casey is giggling. "You taste like toothpaste. Yummy."_

_I roll my eyes at my girlfriend. "Nice, Casey." I run my hands up and down my bare arms and realize I have goosebumps on my skin. "It's so cold in here! Why do you constantly have to keep the heat turned down? You should know I freeze easily."_

_Casey finally switches out the bedside lamp and snuggles into me again. I hear her sigh as she finds a desirable position with her head resting against my stomach. As usual, I immediately reach out and start to play with her hair. _

"_Hmm. Maybe you're a vampire. You __**are**__ pale, you know."_

_That gets a giggle out of me. "I think you watch too many of those awful 'Twilight' movies. But maybe you're right. I don't have a reflection in the mirror. And I sparkle in the sunlight."_

"_I knew it. You're a vampire. Bite me and change me so we can spend eternity together. Please?"_

_I wish I could do that. I really wish I could. I wish those immortal beings truly existed and I was one of them so Casey and I __**could **__spend eternity together. I can't imagine anything better._

_But I'm a mere mortal and for now I'll settle for cuddling with my beautiful girlfriend in our bed. This is __**my **__eternity._

By the time the memory has faded away, I'm clutching my locket and crying uncontrollably. This hurts _so much_. There are no words to adequately describe the pain I feel right now. I wonder if it's actually possible to die of a broken heart? If so, that may be my fate.

Somehow I fall asleep on the couch and am awakened hours later by my cell phone ringing. It takes me a minute to realize what the noise is, and when I'm fully awake and functioning I quickly scramble to find my phone. My heart is beating a million miles per hour as I search for it. What if it's Casey? What if it's her and I don't find the phone in time and I miss her call?

In my haste and desperation I didn't bother to look in the most obvious place, and the vibration on the next ring gives the phone's location away. It's in the pocket of my robe. I dig it out of my pocket and hopefully look at the caller ID.

But my heart falls as I realize it's not Casey. It's the last person I wanted to talk to again. It's Olivia.

Of course I don't answer. I want to heave the phone across the room and cry in disappointment. I sit there holding the phone until it stops ringing and the voicemail icon appears on the screen.

I'm furious. Olivia had promised she was out of my life for good, and here she is calling me. What does she want? Hasn't she done enough damage?

I bring the phone up to my ear and force myself to listen to her message.

"_Hey Alex, it's Olivia. Look I'm sorry for calling and I know you don't want to talk to me so I'm leaving you a message. You don't have to call me back. I just wanted to say I have been doing a lot of thinking and I've realized that what I did out of selfish motivation was really wrong and even though you don't believe me, I truly am sorry. I'll always love you, Alex, but I'm letting you go. I'm stepping away. Your life is your life now. And what I said about going back to California…well, I can't do it. I belong here. I belong with Special Victims. So I'm staying. I won't call you or come to your apartment ever again, I promise. That much I can give you. Since you're not our ADA anymore we don't have to worry about any tension at work. We'll most likely never run into each other again. But if we do…I hope we can be civil. Maybe someday we can even be friends." _There's a pause, and then she says, _"Goodbye, Alex. I hope things work out with Casey."_

I put the phone down on the coffee table. I should be touched by Olivia's words, but instead I'm angry. I know it's my fault that I kissed and touched her, but I can't help feeling a lot of resentment towards her. If she truly loved me she wouldn't have tried to break me up with the person who meant more to me than life itself.

Now I'm alone. Hopelessly alone.

* * *

><p>I go back to work on Tuesday. Not just because I can't take any more personal days, but also because I can't stand to sit around the apartment wallowing in sad memories of Casey any more. Everything there reminds me of her.<p>

The first thing I saw when I entered my office this morning was the photo of Casey and I together in the cute frame that Casey gave me months ago. It brought tears to my eyes and made me so sad that I had to put the frame into my desk drawer because looking at it hurt me so much.

I dove right into my work. So far it's served as a good distraction, but I can't shove Casey out of my mind completely. We used to frequently text throughout the day and today my phone has been eerily quiet; another reminder that Casey is gone from my life.

It takes me until lunch time to realize that everyone knew about me and Casey breaking up. It spread through the office like wildfire. I have no idea how it was found out or who started to spread it, but by the time I take my lunch I have received condolences from nearly everyone I work with. Everyone is sympathetic and compassionate; it's almost like they're consoling me on the death of someone I love dearly. Which, in a way, I guess is true.

I'm actually shocked that the New York Post isn't running a story on it.

I try to keep my composure and thank everyone for their concern but it becomes increasingly difficult as the day goes on. I feel my strength slipping away and all I want to do is rip people's heads off and forbid anyone from saying Casey's name.

It's nearly four o'clock when I do finally break. I've just returned from a meeting with one of my homicide ADAs and as soon as I step out of the elevator and start toward my office I hear my name being spoken.

Kim and Julie – both first year interns at the office - are standing at my secretary Becca's desk, freely discussing my personal life, oblivious to the fact that I've come up behind them.

"Do you know why they broke up?" Kim asks her voice soft but loud enough for me to be able to hear.

"I know that Casey left her…but I don't know why. I heard she followed her out of the apartment begging…caused quite a scene," Julie answers back. "Can you imagine? The Ice Queen begging and crying…I would have liked to have seen that."

It's then I make my presence known. I approach the desk and angrily clear my throat. "I'm glad you find the worst moment of my life amusing."

Kim and Julie both look at each other in shame, horrified that I heard their conversation. As they should be.

"It's easy for you to stand here and judge me as an outsider. But if you were me – if you _felt _what I feel – you wouldn't be standing here getting such pleasure out of my misery. This is the DA's office – not the lunchroom at Manhattan High School! I would appreciate if my personal life were not the topic of your conversation."

I don't give either of them a chance to respond as I quickly stride by them and go into my office. Once I've reached my sanctuary, I sit at my chair and allow myself to grieve again.

This is too much. I can't handle this. Casey took a huge chunk of my heart and my life with her. I can't go on like this. I can't keep losing sleep and not eating and being short with people. It's taking over my life.

It never hurt this badly when Olivia left. I was devastated and I did hurt, but the pain I'm feeling now goes deeper and it's there constantly. Casey was my soul mate; I honestly believe it. If she wasn't there's no way I'd be hurting this badly.

And I wonder if Casey is feeling the same terrible pain as I am? Is she having sleepless nights and is too nauseous and upset to eat? Is she thinking of me constantly, and when she does, does it feel like her heart is being ripped right out of her chest, like mine does?

Once my day has come to an end it's pretty clear to me that I can't spend another day this way. I need help. I need to talk to someone who can help me deal with what I'm feeling and give me some guidance on what I should do about Casey.

I've never believed in therapy. To me therapists have always been phonies who swindle confused and hurt people out of wads of money and dispense useless advice for a price. Never in my life did I think I would be sitting at my desk in my office looking up therapists on my phonebook smartphone app.

But that's exactly what I'm doing. I check the time as I quickly scroll through numerous listings. It's nearly five o'clock; most of these offices probably close at five. I have to hurry.

One ad catches my attention. It's a female therapist; Karen Emmerick. She has an office here in Manhattan and is accepting new patients. She specializes in family and relationship counseling. I wonder if I would qualify?

Despite my apprehension, I call the number listed. On the second ring a receptionist picks up and I'm so caught off guard and nervous that I stumble and stutter on my words. What a way to make a great first impression. On second thought, maybe that will help me. Maybe it will make me sound even more desperate.

The receptionist gathers some information from me and informs me that Dr. Emmerick will be able to help me work through my issues. I shiver when she says that – Casey is an _issue _now? I tell the receptionist I haven't been eating or sleeping and would like to make an appointment ASAP.

By the time I hang up, I have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon at two PM. It's an hour session so I can take my lunch at that time.

Alex Cabot lost all her pride by begging her girlfriend not to leave her, is the topic of workplace gossip, and is now going to therapy. This isn't the name I wanted to make for myself.

* * *

><p>"Alex? Can you tell you a little about Casey? Tell me some stories about her. Happy stories."<p>

I nervously pick at the hem of my blouse, doing everything to avoid eye contact with Dr. Emmerick. We're thirty minutes into our session already and so far I'm not comfortable at all. I feel exposed; like a nerve.

I told her everything about Olivia and Casey proposing and the black hole of depression I'm living in now. As I was talking she took swift notes, occasionally nodding but never interrupting. It's all out in the open now; she knows my entire story.

I like Dr. Emmerick; she's an older heavy-set woman with thick-rimmed glasses and a very nice degree hanging on her office wall. Her manner is nice and by all rights I should be comfortable with her…but I'm not.

"Why tell stories about her? She's gone," I demand harshly. "It hurts when I think about her. That's why I came to you…I want to know how to _not _think about her."

"Alex," Dr. Emmerick leans forward. "At this stage it's impossible for you to not think about her. Even though you were only together romantically for a year, Casey was a huge part of your life. Your hurt is completely normal. But before you can move past it, you have to mourn the relationship, just as you would mourn a loved one that has passed away. It's a considerable loss, Alex. Part of the mourning process is remembering good times you shared."

A tear slides down my cheek. I don't want to _mourn _Casey. I want to know what to do to make this hurt less…and what to do to make Casey trust me again.

"But I don't want to bury the relationship. I don't want a funeral for it. I want Casey back. I'm miserable without her. I want to know what to do to make her trust me again. I can't live without her."

"You may want Casey back, but you have to realize and accept that she may not feel the same way. She was betrayed by the person she loved the most." I look away in shame, and Dr. Emmerick places her hand over mine. "I didn't say that to make you feel bad, Alex; I'm just stating a fact. We can't know for sure what Casey wants or what she's thinking. Sometimes separation heals this wound…sometimes it doesn't. Have you tried to get in touch with Casey?"

"I've called, texted and emailed. She hasn't responded," I say sadly.

"It's been less than a week. The wound is still fresh and hasn't even had time to begin to heal. You have to give her time. Time and space. Let her work through her hurt and her feelings before you attempt to repair what you had. Moving too quickly and swooping in before she's had time to deal with her feelings will cause more harm than good. For now you have to respect her; give her time. Work through this on your end and trust her to do the same on her end. Then you can start working toward reconciliation if that's what you both want."

I sit back and absorb what she's said. I know it's the right thing, but it's not what I wanted to hear. I want Casey back sooner rather than later.

"Now tell me about Casey. Anything. Talk about her."

I swallow harshly and shake my head. "I can't."

"It's part of the healing process, Alex. Please tell me something about her."

I'm playing with the hem of my blouse again and staring at the beige carpet. "She's cute. She's a redhead. I've never been with a redhead."

"Is that why you loved her? Because she's cute?"

I raise my eyes to Dr. Emmerick and frown. "Of course not…"

"Then tell me why you love her. Tell me what _makes _her cute, besides her looks."

Thinking about cute things about Casey is the easiest thing in the world. There are so many things that make her cute. I actually find myself smiling as I relent and start to talk about her. "Casey hates seafood. It's so cute. She always says even just the smell makes her want to vomit. So of course I used to love to torture her. Once in awhile I'd get seafood salad from the deli a few blocks from our apartment complex. I'd make sure I ate it in front of her." I'm chuckling now. "She'd get so mad at me! She knew I was doing it on purpose."

I look up at Dr. Emmerick and find she's smiling and nodding. "That's good, Alex. What else?"

I have another one right away. "She loved to cook. She always cooked for me. She'd have dinner ready for me when I got home from work. And she'd make me breakfast in the morning. It was always delicious. And I remember when she told me about her first experience cooking Thanksgiving dinner for her family. It was her freshmen year of college and she had insisted that she cook the turkey and all the trimmings that year. She was going through a very independent phase." I find myself laughing as I remember what Casey had told me about her first go at cooking a turkey. "It was a disaster; she didn't start cooking the turkey soon enough. She said they ended up with a turkey so undercooked that a skilled veterinarian could have still saved it." I'm full-on laughing now. "That's what she said! She was always saying things like that…she's so funny…"

Dr. Emmerick nods but before she has a chance to prod me further I'm sharing another memory freely. "Casey bought this rock candy one time. I told her she was going to break a tooth on it but of course she didn't listen to me. She ate half a bag of it and sure enough she cracked one of her molars. I had told her she needed to see a dentist before it got worse but of course again she didn't listen. We both went to work the next day and right before I was about to take my lunch she came into my office holding the side of her face and asking me to take her to the dentist because she was dying from the pain. So we both spent our lunch at the dentist's office – and I threw away the rest of that candy when I got home that night. She's stubborn; almost as stubborn as me."

After that memory I start to cry again. I'm so angry with myself; I wanted to stay strong here. I lean forward and take a tissue from the box sitting on the small table beside me and I apologize for my emotions.

Dr. Emmerick lets me finish before she speaks. "No apology is necessary, Alex. It's important to express how you feel. I know how painful that was for you. But you also smiled and laughed while talking about Casey. And that's important too."

I nod and dab my eyes again. "It's just so hard. I miss her so much. We started on such bad terms…and ended the same way. I hate it."

"Are you speaking of when she first came to work with you?"

I nod. "I was awful to her. Unnecessarily cruel. I resented her being back and me being stuck with being her supervisor. I thought I was above that. And I took every opportunity to let Casey know it. I put her down, gave her the cold shoulder, and made snide comments to her. All that time she tried to be my friend…and I hated her. I honestly _hated _her. Because she was making my job difficult…and truth be told, a few times I felt threatened by her. She was a good ADA and a few times she caught things I didn't and that only made me hate her more…and it's so unfair. I was so horrible."

"Do you know what made you decide to be her friend?"

"I can't pinpoint it exactly…but I started to warm up to her because she was always so friendly and open despite how I treated her. I begin to grow angry when I'd hear people bad-mouth her, even though it was hypocritical because I had engaged in the same thing myself. I don't know…one day I just decided she deserved better. I was at a café I frequented with some fellow attorneys and Casey came in. She saw us but made no attempt to come over and join us. She knew everyone talked about her behind her back and she kept her distance from everyone. Which was sad, really. Anyway, she ordered and went and sat down and the guys I was with started to insult her. And it made me mad. I just snapped. I told them what I thought and then I went and sat with Casey. I told her a story about one time when I screwed up to make her feel better about herself, and the next thing I knew we were joking around and I was inviting her to go out with Olivia and I."

I think about that, and I suddenly realize; I fell in stride so quickly with Casey. Quicker than with anyone else. Once she started hanging out with us I liked her so much. I would be disappointed when she wasn't able to join Olivia and me when we'd go out. And I wonder…did I love her all along and never realized it?

"What was your relationship with Olivia like after you befriended Casey?"

It takes me a minute to respond. I'm thinking – _really_ thinking – about it. And some things are coming to light for me. Things that were shadowed in darkness before. "I think…" I have to swallow before I can continue. "I think I felt something for Casey even then. I can't be sure. I swear it never occurred to me before, but thinking about it now I can see it. I focused most of my attention on Casey when we were out. She was so much fun and she'd always crack me up. And Olivia…she never said anything negative about Casey tagging along with us, but I think that's when things slowly started to fall apart. Maybe Olivia could see what I felt for Casey before I could."

"Did Casey ever try to come onto you? Did she ever pursue you?"

"No! Casey would never do that. She never led me on or did anything to try to break me up with Olivia. She never acted beyond a friend."

"Do you think that had something to do with Olivia leaving? Even if she didn't say so?"

I think hard again. "Maybe…I don't know. There were problems before Casey became our friend, but they seemed worse after. I can't be sure." I feel a headache coming on. My mind is being overwhelmed with new information and new revelations. I lean forward and rub my temples. "This is all so overwhelming right now…I'm sorry. I never even thought that maybe I had feelings for Casey before Olivia left. And I certainly never thought that contributed to Olivia leaving."

"We don't know for sure, Alex. It's a possibility, nothing more. What I'm basing my opinion on is years of experience with established relationships. Five years is a long time to be together. And the excuse she gave you for leaving is a very weak excuse for throwing away a five year relationship. I think there's something else there, something under the surface. It may or may not have anything to do with Casey, but there's more than what she's telling you."

"Then why would she come back after a year and try to break me and Casey up? Why not just accept that we weren't meant to be and move on?"

"Do you honestly _feel _that you and Olivia weren't meant to be? Even after five years together?"

I don't even hesitate to respond. "No; we aren't meant to be at all. It took her breaking my heart once and then ruining my life for me to realize it, but yes, I'm certain. I don't care what her reasons for leaving or returning are. I know I loved Olivia once…but that love is gone. I thought it was still there…but it's not. I was confused and caught up in the past. I made a mistake. I feel nothing for Olivia now. Nothing."

It seems a harsh truth, but it _is _the truth. If Olivia had another reason for running across the country to get away from me, then so be it. It's her reason and her problem. I'm not focusing any more time or energy into trying to figure Olivia out. She's dead to me. I care about Casey and Casey only.

"I'm done talking about Olivia," I announce sternly, sitting up straight. "I want to know what to do about Casey."

"Take my advice. Take it slow. Wait awhile before you try to make contact again, and expect her to still be angry with you. In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve for what you lost. For Casey – and as much as you don't want to hear it – for Olivia too. Be strong and get on with your life. I can prescribe a medication for sleep. And even an anti-depressant if you desire. I know some people have an aversion to them, but taken the right way and for the right reasons, they do help."

I'm quick to wave away the antidepressant. "I'll try the sleep medication. But I don't want any type of antidepressant. In my job my mind cannot be chemically clouded in the least bit."

Dr. Emmerick takes out her prescription pad and scribbles on it, tearing the sheet off and handing it to me. "Start taking this tonight. A half hour before bed. Follow the dosage instructions on the bottle very carefully. Too much or too little and it won't be effective." I nod and tuck the sheet into my pocket. "And if you change your mind about the antidepressant, let me know."

I know I won't change my mind, but I nod anyway. We talk a bit more about Casey and soon our session is over. Once I opened up, it became more comfortable to talk to Dr. Emmerick, and I agree to come back the same time next week.

As I'm leaving her office, Dr. Emmerick calls my name. I spin around to face her.

"Just take time, Alex. That's my most important advice. Time."

I nod in sad acceptance as I leave her office.

* * *

><p><em>It's a really warm night. Too warm for September, in my opinion. The light breeze is doing nothing to cool me down. Or maybe it's my anger that's keeping me hot.<em>

_I lean on the railing and stare up at the stars in the sky. They're so pretty and perfect; unlike the rest of us. They don't have relationship problems or standards to live up to._

_Suddenly I hear the slider door open and someone has joined me on the balcony. As soon as they speak, I know who it is. "Wow, this party is really lame. I didn't even really want to come. I hate these things."_

_I straighten myself up and turn around to face Casey Novak, who is standing in front of the slider door looking at me. The moonlight combined with the dim lighting on the balcony provides enough light for me to be able to see her pretty clearly. She's wearing a red suit; not one I recall seeing her in at work, but one appropriate for this evening._

_I give her a small frown. I'm not in the mood to make nice tonight. I have a lot on my mind and the last thing I want to do is stand on a balcony and make conversation with a woman I don't like in the least. _

_Casey Novak is annoying. Plain and simple. She rambles on endlessly about things I have no interest in and no matter how cold or cruel I am to her she still comes right back like a dog and wants to be my friend. She smiles and tries to take an interest in my life and no amount of coldness or cruelty or makes her back off._

_If you had someone who constantly snapped at you and couldn't say anything nice to your face if their life depended on it, would __**you **__want to try and be their friend?_

_I immediately switch to my ice-queen persona. "Then why did you come?"_

_Casey is not at all fazed by my harsh tone. She's worked with me long enough to grow accustomed to it. She walks up next to me and shrugs, leaning on the railing in the same manner I was just seconds ago. "I don't know. I thought it might be fun. But I think I'm going to take off. I can find something better to do at home. Maybe video games. Or a movie."_

_She plays video games? Really? How very professional and mature. I can't believe she just told me that. She __**has**__ to know that I won't be able to leave that one alone. _

"_Then go home. I doubt anyone will miss you."_

_That was cold; even for me. I notice Casey flinch at my words but she gives no response. Instead she too looks up at the stars. "It's a pretty night. Did you notice?"_

"_Yeah. I was out here admiring the view before you…interrupted me." _

_I honestly don't why I continuously feel the need to be so horrible to her. Granted I don't like her and I hate our partnership, but I could be more of an adult and not make her life so miserable. I really __**don't **__need to be this cruel._

"_I'm sorry. But you've seemed distant all day and even this evening. And I saw you out here alone. I thought maybe you could use someone to talk to. Why didn't Olivia come with you?"_

_At the mere mention of Olivia's name, I lash out at her. "That's none of your damn business, Casey. And I don't need anyone to talk to. I came out here because I wanted to be __**alone. **__If I did need someone to talk to, it sure as hell wouldn't be __**you**__."_

_Casey looks at me sadly. "Why do you hate me so much? What did I do to you?" _

"_You came crawling back to the DA's office and McCoy took pity on you and I ended up being assigned to babysit you. My job was stressful and hard enough without having to be responsible for a screw-up. I don't like having you around at work and I certainly don't like having you around outside of work, so kindly go back inside and leave me be. Stop trying to be my friend, because it will __**never **__happen." _

"_Alex, that's not fair…you don't understand…"_

"_Save it, Casey. You're a burden to me and I'm sure you always will be. And when you speak to me, I'd appreciate if you could use full sentences, as difficult as it may be for you to construct them."_

_Casey has a mixture of hurt and anger on her face at that comment. "I can construct full sentences, Alex. Like this one – you are the biggest bitch I've ever had the displeasure of knowing." _

_I know they shouldn't, but her words, combined with the tone in her voice, stings me. It's the same tone Olivia used on me last night when we fought and right before she took off._

_The only response I can muster is, "That's insubordination, Casey."_

"_Well you should like that. You wouldn't have to 'babysit' me anymore then. You're such a miserable person. I actually feel sorry for you. And I've tried to be your friend because you really look like you could need it…besides being the biggest bitch, you are also the most perpetually unhappy person I know. Excuse me for reaching out to you, but I assure you I won't make that mistake again. Enjoy your evening. And your life." _

_She goes back inside and closes the slider behind her. I stand cemented to where I am, not moving even when it begins to rain lightly. I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't need to treat Casey – and so many others in my life – the way that I do. _

_And she's right; I __**am **__unhappy. I have a relationship with a woman I've been with for five years…but I'm not happy in the least. _

I bolt upright in bed. I'm covered in sweat and I can't catch my breath. My blankets are in tangles at my feet.

That memory that came back to me in my sleep…it was so vivid it was like I was actually there again, living it over.

The past few nights have been like this. The literature that came with my sleep medication said I may experience nightmares and vivid dreams but didn't say anything about drudging up awful memories. It's been doing its job, I've been sleeping…but I don't know if it's worth it.

I look at my alarm clock and sigh when I realize it's after four AM now. I'd have to be up in less than two hours anyway; what is the point of going back to bed? I'll get up and fix some coffee and watch the early morning news. It's Friday. I can work Friday tired.

I turn on the light and drowsily move around the room. I slip into my cozy robe and look for my favorite pair of slippers. They are usually right by my bed but they aren't there now.

I look all over the room and turn up empty-handed. Sighing in disappointment, I go to the closet to fetch another pair. I bend down in the back of the closet to make my selection and I suddenly feel very dizzy. The sleep medication. I didn't sleep the full eight hours. The effects will linger for a little while longer.

I grab the slippers I want and shake my head to clear away the dizziness but as I go to stand back up, something catches my eye. It's the edge of a book on the floor in the very corner of the closet. A book that is unfamiliar to me.

Frowning in curiosity, I grab the book and take it over to my bed. It's a very thick leather-bound brown book, in a photo album style. I sit down and place the book in my lap – and what I see on the front nearly makes my heart stop.

There's an inscription in gold lettering that reads, "_To My Alex - This is a time capsule of our relationship. From the first week until our engagement night. Any time you wish you can travel back in time. I hope you have a smile on your beautiful face as you read this. Love always, Your Casey."_

By the time I finish reading, I'm squeezing the book tightly and letting the tears come. I take a deep breath and open the first page. There's a note telling me that this is my engagement gift. Casey apparently wrote one handwritten letter per week to me for the duration of our relationship and all are included in this book. She declares her undying love for me again on the note and then tells me to start reading.

So I do, and it's hard. I re-live the ups and downs of our relationships in every letter and by the time I'm to the thirteenth week I can't read anymore. The memories, the feelings…they're too real and raw. Casey is too real and raw.

She loved me so much. She compiled this book for me and was so sure I was I was going to accept her proposal that she went ahead and had in inscribed as my engagement gift. That's how confident she was in our never-ending love.

I close the book and sit on the bed beside me. It was exactly the push I needed.

I can't get dressed and go to work and go about my day. There's this woman out there who is hurting as much as I am right now, who loves me as much as I love her.

Dr. Emmerick told me I need time. But time is an awful concept. Time drags on and prolongs your hurt. And time is _never _on your side.

My mother is not a licensed therapist and doesn't have a degree hanging on her wall like Dr. Emmerick does, but she gave me the best advice – "Fight for her."

And fight for her I will.

I grab my cell phone from my bedside stand and scroll through my contacts until I find the number for the airport. I dial it without hesitation. And after going through the automated menu, I'm finally talking to an operator. "I need to know when your next flight to Washington, DC is. I need a seat on it."

**So...what do you think? I did a lot of re-writing to get this right and I hope it doesn't disappoint! What do you think will happen in Washington? What did you think of the book Casey had made? Was it left behind by accident...or on purpose? Please review and let me know what you thought of the chapter. They just changed the reviews on the site...all day today I have not been able to review stories using the mobile site on my phone or iPod. I got around this by clicking on 'View Regular Site' at the bottom of the stories and THEN left my reviews. Worked that way for all the stories I reviewed today...and worked fine from my computer. So if you are reading from a cell phone or iPod and want to review, please use the regular site option. Thanks!  
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	33. Chapter 33

**Here is the chapter everyone is waiting for! I worked REALLY hard on it - hope it's worth it! **

It's after three PM when I arrive in Washington, DC. I've used up another personal day – but ask me if I care. My answer? No, I don't. Getting Casey back is the most important thing in my life right now. Jobs come and go but Casey is something I want forever.

I hoped to arrive earlier in the day. The flight was less than two hours in duration but unfortunately no flights were available until the afternoon. I think it was my shortest flight ever but just long enough for me to evaluate my state of mind and lay out my plans.

The first half hour I had convinced myself I made a mistake, that it _was_ too soon, and I was fully prepared to get a flight right back to New York as soon as I landed in DC. But then I kept thinking about the book Casey put together for me. The beautiful words she had written and the love behind the whole project. And I came to the conclusion that she's probably hurting just as much – if not _more – _than me. Casey loved me so much that she asked me to be her wife, and I love her so much that I was going to ask her too.

Love, not love in the past tense. I still love Casey. She's all I think about and the fact that she's not with me now hurts me so deeply that it's unbearable. The pain is so much that I hope Casey isn't feeling what I am. But somehow, I know she is. I just hope she can forgive me. I hope I can prove myself to her again.

So the rest of the flight I thought about what I'm going to say to her when I see her. I drafted a small heartfelt speech in my mind. Not coming on too strong, but strong enough that Casey knows that my words are true. And I've planned for every possible scenario.

I know it's entirely possible that Casey may not _want _to see me; in that case, I'll put my feelings on paper and get it to her that way.

And then there's the worst case scenario – what if she does see me, hears me out, and then tells me she won't take me back? That I've hurt her too much? What will I do then?

I know in my heart that I'd have to accept Casey's decision. It would destroy me; literally crush my heart. I don't think I'd ever recover. I'd go home to New York only a quarter of the person I was before. The rest of my heart and soul would be left with Casey and I'd live the rest of my life in that horrible black abyss.

To a person who's never been deeply in love, these statements may seem overdramatic or ridiculous. Some might say that it's impossible to hurt that much from a broken heart. They might argue that the pain will pass and you _can _move on. But it's not true. Once you've found your soul mate and you've lost them, there is no getting past that. You knew the other half of your soul for however long you were with them and suddenly they are yanked away without warning, either by a tragedy or – in my case – your own doing. But the end result is always the same no matter _how_ they leave you.

I had gotten over the pain I felt when Olivia left me. It was hard and I didn't think I would recover, but I did. Because I realized the person I was truly meant to be with was still with me. And I haven't gotten over the pain of her leaving and I never will, because she _is _my life.

Another thing on my mind had been Casey's job. I don't know the details or exactly what her responsibilities are, but what if she loves the job? What if she found her niche, found where she fits in, and doesn't want to leave that place? Would I sacrifice for her the way she did for me and make it possible for her to keep the job?

The answer to that is a quick yes. I would do anything for Casey. I'd give up my job and my life in New York for a chance for her to be successful and happy and for us to be together. If she gives me another chance and wants to stay on her job, we'll stay. We'll get an apartment or house here in DC and I'll find a job and we'll live our lives here. It doesn't matter what our address or zip code is; the only thing that would matter is that we'd be together. Home is wherever the love is.

Casey is the first person in my life that I would give up everything for without a second thought.

On my way to the airport I had stopped by the jewelry store and bought that engagement ring I'd wanted to get Casey. It's beautiful. Almost as beautiful as she is. It's in my purse right now, in a blue velvet box. I don't plan on springing it on her right away; but I want her to know that I had been serious when I told her I had planned to propose.

I plan to take a taxi from Reagan National Airport to the Capitol. It was a poor choice of an airport to fly into; I had chosen it because it is closest to the Capitol district but it was very difficult to get a taxi. They aren't as readily available as they are in New York, but there are several taxis in the area. The only difference is they run on schedules. I couldn't get one single airport employee to provide me with a taxi schedule or get me a phone number so I could call and get my own information. Their hospitality skills were sorely lacking.

Despite the confusion and me nearly losing my temper and going all Ice Queen on everyone at the airport, I am finally able to get a taxi.

I thought Manhattan afternoon traffic was bad. But this might be worse. The closer we get to the Capitol, the worse the congestion on the streets. There are several people traveling on foot and by bike, much like home. But these people are in three-piece suits with cell phones pressed tightly to their ears. Their gaits are brisk and purposeful.

I can see the Capitol dome as we approach and I feel a tight knot of dread forming in my stomach. What if this doesn't go well? What if Casey is angry that I came after her when she specifically told me not to?

It's so hot here. It's only spring but suddenly I'm so warm that I have to roll my window down. It's the sunlight on concrete and bricks that makes it so hot.

The driver stops at another packed intersection and I sigh heavily. How long is this going to take? I can _see_ my destination right outside the window. It's only a short walk away.

I lean forward and address the driver, "I'm sorry, but is there a quicker route to the Capitol building?" My mind turns, looking for a good excuse to justify my hurry. I can't tell him I came here chasing the woman I love. So I say, "I have a meeting with one of the Senators from my state. Time is kind of an issue for me."

The driver doesn't seem at all surprised by my question. He looks at me in his mirror. "Which Senator?"

"Why does that matter?" I ask, getting a bit more irritated. All I want is to go find Casey…

"I taxi a lot of the Senators and their staffs. I pick up outside the office buildings all the time." He pauses and then adds, "You do realize that the Senators' offices are located in the office buildings, not the actual Capitol?"

I had known that but for some reason that little fact didn't seem important to me until now. "How far from the Capitol are the office buildings?"

"Within walking distance. Everything is within walking distance. Who are you here to see?" The driver digs through his glove compartment and pulls out a sheet of paper. "I always keep this guide handy. It's a list of all Senators and what buildings their offices are in. It comes in useful when they neglect to tell us where to pick them up and just 'assume' we know."

My nervousness has increased by a million perfect as I realize how close I am to seeing Casey. I actually have to swallow. "Ryan Palmer of New York."

The driver nods and puts the list away. "I know Senator Palmer a little. Very good man. Always friendly and patient. Most of the politicians I taxi are shouting into their cell phones with self-importance for the duration of their ride, but Senator Palmer always takes the time to actually have a conversation with me. I think your meeting with go well. I'll take you to his building."

I nod and sit back against the seat, abandoning my idea to get out and walk. I need the extra time to pull myself together. For myself and for Casey.

In a short amount of time, I'm dropped off right outside the Dirksen Senate Office building. I stand on the sidewalk in front of the entrance, staring at the vast gray building. I should be used to seeing buildings like this. New York has several that are bigger and drabber than this one.

But they don't intimidate me. This one does. This one holds my fate. Casey works here; she's in there somewhere right now. Totally unaware that I'm standing outside scared out of my mind to come inside.

But somehow I make myself open the door and go inside. Right away I'm asked to go through a metal-detector and I'm only granted entrance after I remove my watch and my locket and go through the detectors clean.

I hope the gripping fear I feel on the inside is apparent on my face as I approach the information desk. But it must not be. The receptionist smiles at me warmly and does not seem to be concerned with my facial expression.

She asks me what she can do to help and I want to tell her she can turn back the hands of time and make it so I never fooled around with Olivia. That would _really _help me.

But of course I don't say that. All I say is that I'm here to see Senator Palmer and ask where his office is. She gives me the number and tells me how to get there and I'm on my merry way.

I have to go up two floors and then practically through a maze to find office number D-322. Once I reach the office, I pause outside. It's not really what I had expected. The office door is open and there's a glass window stretching across the whole front office, which contains at least a dozen people busily working inside. I see an office further back with the door closed. I assume the front office is the staff office, so I hesitantly step inside.

My eyes are searching, but I don't see Casey anywhere. A young blonde woman sitting behind the desk greets me with a smile and asks me the same question that the information desk receptionist did.

But I tell her something different. "I'm looking for someone who works in this office. She just started this week. Casey Novak." I feel I have to explain myself so I fish my wallet out of my purse. I'm nervous and my hands are shaking as I show the girl my ID. "I'm the District Attorney of Manhattan; a friend of Casey's. Do you know her?"

Stupid question; of course she knows her! She probably works closely with her.

The woman smiles again and hands my ID back to me. "Yes, I do know Casey. How nice of you to stop and see her. She's a doll; we love her."

I couldn't agree more with her words. My hands are still shaking as I slide my wallet back into my purse. I try to keep emotion out of my voice as I ask, "Is she here now? Could I have a few minutes of her time?"

The woman looks down at something in front of her, which I assume is some type of schedule. "She's actually in a meeting right now with Senator Palmer and some other staff members. It should be getting out soon; you're welcome to wait."

I take a seat in one of the cushioned chairs along the wall and luckily I only have to wait about twenty minutes before the door to the private office opens and people start to come out. Three young men who look to be in their twenties come out first, then a dark-haired middle-aged woman…and then finally I see her. Casey.

She's walking out with Senator Palmer and they're talking as they walk. He has papers in his hand and he keeps looking between them and Casey as they approach.

My heart actually stops. Casey, my Casey, is mere feet away from me. In a moment she'll look up and see me.

She changed her hair. It's shorter now; only by a bit but I do notice. And it's cut differently than usual and layered. I love it. She looks so good.

I'm staring so hard at her and in such a state of shock that Casey must be able to sense it. She looks up and her eyes immediately fall on me. She stops dead in her tracks, staring at me with her mouth slightly open in disbelief.

Senator Palmer stops beside her, looking momentarily confused until he sees me sitting there. The he smiles and takes a step forward, reaching out to greet me with a handshake. "Miss Cabot, what a pleasure to see you again."

I shake his head and manage a nod at him, but he gets nothing else. Casey is my focus right now. I'm trying to gauge her reaction. She hasn't moved from where she stopped and her face is a mixture of shock and what I assume to be sadness or anger; or both.

Finally, I force myself to utter, "Do you have a minute? Can I talk to you?"

It takes Casey a minute to react and she's just about to answer when Senator Palmer chimes in. "Why don't you take your lunch now, Casey? You worked through it this afternoon. Take as much time as you need." He suddenly looks at his watch and continues. "I'm got to be going to my committee hearing. Enjoy your lunch." I watch him walk out of the office with three staffers in tow, and then I turn my attention back to Casey.

She looks…disappointed? Nervous? I wish I could read her mind right now.

"Okay. Let's go talk," she says, after a long moment of silence. She says it devoid of any emotion. No smile, no greeting of any kind. She does her best not to make eye contact with me as she walks past me and asks me to follow her.

I actually feel like a stranger walking beside Casey down these unfamiliar halls. She's walking with a quick, purposeful stride and I have to walk briskly to keep pace with her. She keeps her eyes forward and doesn't a say a word to me until we get onto the elevator.

"Where are we going?" I ask, clearing my throat and trying to stay as calm as possible. I didn't expect Casey to turn cartwheels and throw her arms around me when she saw me, but this coldness that's radiating from her chills me to the bone. It's not Casey at all.

"Outside. To the fountain on the Capitol grounds. It's pretty," is all she says, offering no further explanation. I sneak a look at her and notice the Capitol Pass and Senate Staff badges she's wearing pinned to her suit jacket and I can't help but smile. Good for Casey.

When we get out of the elevator on the lobby floor, silence befalls us again. I follow Casey out of the building like an obedient dog and I don't even try to make conversation with her. It's killing me to have to keep my emotions inside right now, but I know it's for the best. Casey agreed to talk to me and I don't want to blow it before we've even had a chance to do that very thing.

It takes us several minutes to walk to the Capitol grounds. I can't believe how many people are around. People are sitting against trees on cell phones, standing on the sidewalk on cell phones…looks like as many people work outside as work inside here.

When we get to the fountain, I realize why Casey wanted to come here. It really _is _beautiful. It's a nice sunny day and the sound of the fountain is somewhat relaxing.

It's been a long time since I've been to the Capitol. I remember walking by this fountain the last time I was here, years ago. But I never stopped to admire it. And I sure never thought I'd be sitting fountain side with the woman I love, about to convince to take me back.

Casey takes a seat on the edge of the fountain wall and I do the same, a few feet from her. I don't want to crowd her and make her uncomfortable.

Thankfully Casey speaks first, saving me the task of having to come up with an opening statement. She can barely bring herself to look at me. "So what are you doing here, Alex? Shouldn't you be at work?"

Her harsh tone stabs me in the heart, but I remind myself that she's being harsh only because of what I did to her. Inside she hurts just as much as I do.

So I decide to be one-hundred percent honest with her and not make up excuses. "I came here to see you. The truth is, I couldn't stand being away from you for another minute. I've been miserable, Casey. This week has been the worst of my life. I know it's my fault and I wish I could take it back…but I can't. I made a mistake. The biggest mistake of my life. And I don't want to pay for it every day for the rest of my life."

Casey doesn't even hesitate with a reply. "Cheating isn't a mistake, Alex; it's a choice."

"I know, Casey. I am _so _sorry. I know those are just words. I can say them a million times in a million different ways and they will always be just words. But I truly mean it. I was so weak and I'm deeply ashamed of myself. You're the best thing I've ever had in my life and I shouldn't have ever been even tempted by Olivia. I'll say it again; I'm sorry, Casey."

To my immense surprise, Casey looks at me with warmth in her green eyes and says, "I know you are, Alex. I know you're sorry."

I feel my heart lift a little. Casey's icy exterior has melted somewhat. Maybe I really can get through to her. "We really didn't have sex; I didn't let it get that far. I hope you believe me."

"I do believe you. And I know that what you did wasn't as bad as it would have been if you _had _gone all the way…but it's bad enough. I was devastated, Alex. Not only by what you did, but also because you couldn't tell me the truth. You couldn't tell me what had happened. You kept it a secret and let it happen again. That's what hurts the most. I thought I meant more to you than that." Her voice breaks as she says those last words, and she turns away from me so I won't see the emotion building in her eyes.

"That's the part I hate the most, too. We had promised each other we would be honest…and I wasn't. I should have told you right away. And then your mother passed away and there didn't seem to be a right time…I was only trying to avoid hurting you but it turns out I hurt you more by not being honest and I'm sorry."

Casey nods and lets a tear trickle down her cheek. She doesn't even attempt to wipe it away. "I've been miserable too. You're not the only one hurting. You have no idea how deeply you hurt me, Alex. All those others who cheated on me…I was hurt, yes, but not on as a deep level as I am right now. Because I knew they weren't my true love, so I was able to forgive them. But you – you _are _the only person I've ever truly loved and whom I felt loved me just as sincerely in return. So I'm hurt too. I've been hurting every day."

I let myself release a tear too. "God, Casey, I…" I can't find the appropriate words to say. Nothing could make this better. _Nothing. _

And then Casey asks, "Did you come here for me to take you back?"

I know I have to continue to be honest, so I say, "Yes. I was hoping we could talk and you would give me a chance to prove myself to you again. I know we won't be where we were overnight, but in time I know I can redeem myself to you. I love you, Casey. I _can't _let you go. Every minute without you is like a minute without air. It's like I'm being held underwater and my time is running out. And I need you to come with a lifejacket and save me from the misery I'm drowning in. It's of my own doing but I still need you to save me." I take a chance and pick up her hand, and she lets me. "Olivia and I are over. There was no _us _again. She was a mistake and she's behind me now, where she'll stay. I'll never her let her back into my life again. I'll never lie or keep anything from you again Casey, I promise you. I know my promises don't mean much right now…but please, _please _give me a chance to prove I mean it. Please. You still have to feel some love for me."

Casey is looking into my eyes now and hers are filled with tears. "I do love you, Alex. I never stopped loving you and I never will. You're my true love and I know it. But it hurts to be around you. I took this job out here and threw myself into it so I could be as far away from you as possible. I've cried every day. It's hard keeping myself together even when I'm working. I've been lying awake at night wishing your arms were around me and longing for it again, but I…" She stops talking and closes her eyes, shaking her head gently. "I love you, but I don't _trust _you anymore. A big part of my love for you was trust. And now that's gone, so…all I have left is the love. And as much as I love you, love alone isn't enough. You betrayed me in the worst way possible and it isn't easily undone."

I want to drop to my knees and just sob until I have no breath or tears left. What if I can't convince Casey to take me back? What if I really do have to live in that lonely black abyss forever?

"Casey…" I start, my words choking in my throat. When I speak again, I'm crying. "I found your book. The one you were going to give me after you proposed."

Casey looks at me in surprise and then quickly looks away. "I was hoping you wouldn't find it. I didn't realize I had forgotten it until I was out here. But I never thought you'd find it. You never looked in the back of your closet."

"I did find it, Casey. I needed a pair of slippers that were back there because I couldn't find my favorite ones. And you know that never happens. I'm never without those slippers. But I couldn't find them and as a result I found your book. Like I was supposed to. Like it was meant to be. And I read it. Not every letter, but a good majority. And it made me cry, Casey. It made me cry because I know how much you love me and how hard you worked to put that together for me. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. You are the sweetest, most caring person this planet and I lost you…and I'll never forgive myself."

Casey is looking straight ahead, absorbing my words. She wipes tears from her eyes almost constantly and nods for me to go on. At least I have her attention.

"And Casey," I hurriedly dig through my purse until I find the blue velvet box. I pop it open and present it to her. "I meant it when I said I was going to propose on our one-year anniversary. This is the ring I picked out. I bought it for you. I'm not proposing; I know I ruined that. I just want you to see it and know what my intention was. Know that my mind was in the same place as yours."

Casey looks at the ring and then she actually smiles. "It's really beautiful." She quickly looks away. "I wish that plan had worked."

I tuck the ring back into my purse and feel another stab in my heart. "Me too."

Silence overtakes us for several minutes and I decide to shift the conversation to something lighter to lessen the tension. "Are you enjoying this job?"

Casey nods. "Yes. I have a lot of responsibility, but I like it. And I think I'm good at it. Everyone here respects me. They don't treat me like I'm…second rate."

"I'm glad to hear that." And really, I am. I'm happy Casey has found something she likes. "And I love your hair. It's so cute."

Casey smiles at that and looks at me again. "Thanks, Alex. But I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to change the subject. Rather unsuccessfully, I might add. But neither of us can really push this topic aside. We have to decide what to do."

I'm optimistic again. She said _we_. I have to get this train going. I quickly get up and take both of Casey's hands, crouching down in front of her so I can look her in the eyes properly. I'm not about to lose her again. I don't think I could handle it. "I've done so much thinking. About us, and about me. You have been so good to me. You've been a poster girlfriend. You're caring, attentive, and compassionate, you've taken care of me. You've put up with my crap. I forgot your birthday and you forgave me. You sacrificed a job you worked so hard to get back so I could achieve my dream. You even called my mother before you proposed and asked her and my father's permission to marry me. I can never repay you for what you've done. I owe you everything, Casey…and you owe me nothing." Her eyes fill with tears again and she looks away, but I make her look at me again. "I'm going to continue to talk and you're going to listen." She manages a small smile at that, which fills me with even more hope. "I've been less than perfect to you, and I know that. You went through so much. You lost your mother and then you found out I'd been lying to you. I can't take that back. But what I can do is re-promise you my heart and my soul. Promise I will always be true and _never _withhold anything from you again. I'll sacrifice whatever I have to for you; if you love this job, I'll put in my resignation and we can get a place together here. I'll give up my dream for you, Casey. Because you're way bigger and better than anything I'll ever achieve being District Attorney or anything more. I used to aspire for higher office; now I only aspire to love you unconditionally forever and give you all the love and support you need for whatever you chose to do."

And that breaks Casey. Whatever ice was left on her, it's completely melted now. She breaks down in tears, her shoulders heaving, and says, "God, Alex! I've missed you so much! I told myself I'd be so angry and hate you if I ever saw you again, but I can't. I love you so fucking much." She grabs me and pulls me out of my crouch and into her arms, and I'm almost laughing her ill-timed curse.

We sit there sobbing and hugging each other for what seems like an eternity until we break away. We're both staring at each other with tear-filled eyes and I brush Casey's hair away from her face. "Does this mean you'll give me another chance?"

She smiles. "Yes. I have no resolve when it comes to you. I'll take you back, Alex, but it's going to take us time to be where we were. And we have to put the marriage thing on hold."

"I know; we will. And I'll earn back your trust. And when – and if – the time ever comes again, I'll always have your ring. It's yours and no one else's."

I'm so happy right now that I could run across the Capitol grounds like a giddy high school girl who just scored a date with the hotshot star football player. I can't remember being this happy. After this past week I didn't think it was possible.

I'm holding Casey's hand again as I say, "So I'll turn in my resignation. Did you get an apartment here?"

"No; I've been living out of a hotel. And you don't have to do that; I don't want you to give up your job."

I frown. "But Casey…you said you loved this job. You sacrificed for me so we could be together, and I'm doing the same for you."

She shakes her head, meeting my eyes. "But you don't have to. I can work out of Senator Palmer's New York office. He gave me that option when I called him to accept the job. I only came out here to get away from you…but I don't _have _to be here every day. He told me if I work out of New York I'll have to be in Washington every Monday and occasionally when needed, but I don't have to permanently be here. It's my choice."

"Is that what you want? To work out of New York? If it is, we can make it work. Being here one day a week is doable, Casey. It's a less than two hour flight. But please know that if you want to stay here, I'm willing."

A warm smile plays across her face and she intertwines her fingers with mine. "No. I want to come home. I'll tell Senator Palmer that I'll start there on Monday. Stay over with me in the hotel and we'll rent a U-Haul and drive home on Sunday. I rented one and drove here because I wanted to take my scooter; it took me a little over four hours to get here driving."

I laugh at that. "Have you been riding your scooter around DC?"

"Yes. And don't make fun of me. Besides, it's not running right now anyway. Died on me yesterday. I think I need to replace a spark plug. But I'll do it when I get home."

"So you know how to replace a spark plug?"

"Of course. I thought everyone did?"

"I don't."

Casey bursts out laughing. "Why am I not surprised? Well, I'll teach you. It's easy."

I'm smiling, for the first time in days. It feels so good to be sitting here hand in hand with Casey, engaged in our easy banter. Natural. This is how my life was meant to be lived.

I'm about to hug Casey again and tell her I love her when she suddenly grabs her right side and yells out in pain. "Ow…there's that pain again…"

I'm immediately concerned. "What pain?" I don't like this; she looks to be quite uncomfortable. "Casey, what's wrong?"

After a few minutes she lets go of her side and smiles again. "Nothing. It's gone now. I think I pulled muscle in my side. I've had a stomach virus the past couple of days and been quite sick. The pain has been on and off since then. But I'm okay. My fever is gone today."

I frown at her, still deeply concerned. "You've been sick and you're still working?" She nods and I go into full scold mode. "Casey…"

"_Alex_," she throws back. "I'm fine. Really. Don't worry about me. Let's talk about something else, okay? Like a burning question I have."

"What's that?"

"Did I _really_ hit Olivia…or was that a dream?"

I start to laugh again. A real, much-needed hearty laugh. "Oh, you did. And I think she was shocked out of her mind."

Casey smiles a small smile, but it doesn't linger on her face for long. She quickly looks away from me, letting go of my hand.

"Casey? Is something wrong?" I ask, worry filling my voice.

She shakes her head. "No. It's just…we can't do this so easily."

"Do what so easily?"

She gestures between us. "This. _Us. _We can't snap our fingers and be right back to where we were. I know it's what we both want, but Alex…it takes a long time to rebuild trust. So let's just go home and start that rebuilding, all right?"

Casey stands up and I'm quick to follow her. I'm disappointed and confused. Of course I agree that it does take time to rebuild trust; but just moments ago Casey and I were laughing so naturally and I was actually happy. Now…I don't know what to feel.

"Well, I was just following your lead. You started our banter, I was just going along. I love it when we talk like that," I tell her, not even trying to hide the disappointment in my voice.

Casey turns around to face me. She's not smiling at me now. "I know I started it, but…" She holds up her hand. "I just want to get back into this slowly, okay? And I have to go back to work. I'm done at six. Meet me back here and we'll go back to the hotel and figure out a time to leave on Sunday. Okay?"

I only give Casey a nod before she turns and heads in the direction of the office building. I notice her holding her side again. Then I sit back down on the edge of the fountain, thinking about how that went downhill so quickly. And knowing that I have to do everything in my power to prove my worthiness to Casey.

* * *

><p>When we get to the hotel that night, things don't go well.<p>

Casey is staying at a hotel in downtown DC called the Watergate Hotel and I tried to lightly joke about that, but it was pretty clear Casey wasn't in the mood. I hadn't brought any luggage because I didn't know what was going to happen, so Casey showed me where she had put her clothes in the closet and told me to help myself to whatever I wanted.

She wanders into the bathroom and I sit on the bed and look around the room. It's a very modern, spacious room. There's a flatscreen TV mounted on the wall and the bed is large and very bouncy. One bed…a sudden thought about sleeping arrangements hits me. Is she going to want to sleep together?

I notice the boxes she had packed in my apartment sitting untouched against the back wall. She hasn't unpacked anything from them except her clothes. I wonder how long she intended to stay here?

I'm feeling so many emotions right now that I don't know which one is dominant. I'm so happy to be with Casey but also tentative about what I say and how I act. I'm worried about her sudden change in attitude and how sick she's been. It's understandable that she wouldn't want to jump back into the relationship quickly…but something about the way she acted at the fountain bothers me. Something is…off about her.

Casey emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later looking really pale. She comes out and stands in front of the door, holding her side again.

I'm immediately on my feet. "You all right? Feeling pain again?"

She slowly makes her way over to the bed, acting as if it hurts her to walk. She sits down a little ways from me, still holding her side. "I'm still not feeling great. Nauseous again and this pain is getting worse. It was intermittent at first…now it's constant."

I'm worried. Beyond worried, actually. If it were only a pulled muscle it wouldn't be hurting her so much. A dose of Aleve would be able to knock it out. Instinctively I reach out and place my palm on Casey's forehead, nearly gasping at the warmth I feel. "Casey! You have a fever!"

"Yeah. It was gone earlier, but…I guess it decided to come back." She tries a smile but only manages wincing in pain.

I place my hand on her back and lean towards her. "Do you want to go get checked out? It could be serious…"

"No," she answers quickly. "I just picked up a virus. I'll be fine. It's starting to let up anyway." As if to prove it, Casey stands up. She tries to hide it but I see the pain that movement causes written on her face. "I'm going to take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in."

She's trying to joke to hide her pain and I smile sympathetically at her. "Okay. But if it gets worse….we're going to go get it checked out, okay?"

Casey nods and disappears into the bathroom. A few minutes later I hear the water turn on and I relax a little. She's at least able to get into the shower. Maybe it _will _make her feel better.

I know I'm going to worry until I see Casey walk out that bathroom door, so I might as well be productive. I see Casey's laptop sitting on the table so I sit down at the table and once I have booted it up and I log onto Google.

Casey would be pissed if she knew what I was doing. But I can't help it. I'm worried about her. I type every one of her symptoms into the search box. _Nausea, vomiting, fever, ride side pain_. I'm about to click the search button when I hear Casey scream my name from the bathroom.

I'm up and in the bathroom in half a second. I yank the shower curtain back and find Casey on the floor of the shower, holding her side and desperately trying to catch her breath.

"Casey!" I yell out in a panic. I scramble to turn the water off and then I crouch down next to Casey on the shower floor. She's wet and shaking and grabs my blouse, holding it in a vice grip as I try to get her to tell how she's feeling.

"It's really bad now. Suddenly I felt this stabbing pain in my stomach and then the pain just got worse…" She sucks in a deep breath and squeezes my blouse tighter. "Jesus Alex, it won't let up! Oh my God, it hurts…"

I squeeze her tighter and she puts her head on my shoulder, breathing slowly and painfully. I'm rubbing her back in a vain desperate attempt to provide a little comfort. I have to bite my bottom lip to keep from crying. I hate seeing Casey hurt so much. She's usually tough and able to take so much I remember Olivia telling me that she had to take Casey to the hospital after she dislocated her shoulder during a softball game. She had sat in the emergency room with her while the doctor had popped Casey's shoulder back into place. Olivia had nearly fainted, but Casey barely cringed. After it was over she had thanked the doctor and hopped down from the examining table like nothing at all had happened. She truly has a high pain tolerance, so I know she has to be _really _be hurting right now.

I know we can't stay here on the floor of the shower forever – she needs to get to a hospital _now. _She starts crying and that only gets me moving faster. I help Casey stand up and we step out of the shower.

"We're going to the hospital," I announce. "We need to get you dressed and I'll call an ambulance."

Casey can only stay on her feet for a few seconds. She falls to the floor, crying that she can't stand up, that it makes the pain worse. I run my fingers through my hair, my mind racing. "Did you bring a bathrobe?" She shakes her head and I sigh. "Okay. We _have _to get you dressed, Casey. I'll help you."

After a long struggle we manage to get Casey into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and I help her walk out of the bathroom. By now the pain is worse and she's crying and keeps saying my name over and over, begging me to make the pain stop.

My heart is breaking. I want to help her so much. I want to take her place so she doesn't have to suffer anymore, but I know I can't. All I can do is sit her down on the bed and grab my cell phone from my purse. I'm so scared and in such a hurry that I drop my phone and fumble to pick it up.

"Alex…no ambulance…just take me yourself…please…"

I look up at Casey, my finger hesitating over the 9 on my touchscreen. "Casey, you don't have a car here! What am I supposed to do, take you on your busted scooter?" As I'm saying that I realize I actually would do that if I had no other choice.

"Call a taxi," she begs me. "Please, Alex."

I'm about to argue but I quickly back down. A taxi would probably be just as fast. I saw a hospital only a few blocks away.

I frantically scrolled through my call history for today and easily locate the phone number for the taxi service. I tell them our situation and the dispatcher encourages me to call 911 but I scream at him to send a taxi now, and then hang up.

I sit on the bed holding Casey until the taxi comes less than five minutes later. I help her walk to the taxi, supporting most of her weight, and once we're in the back, I tell the driver that if he gets us to the hospital in less than ten minutes, there's a two-hundred dollar tip in his future. Needless to say he guns it out of the parking lot of the hotel.

Casey is resting her head on my shoulder, breathing painfully again. I've got my arm wrapped around her and I'm stroking her hair with my other hand. "It's okay, sweetheart; we'll be there soon. You'll be okay. Just hang on."

"It hurts so much, Alex," she sobs. "I've never felt pain like this."

I have to close my eyes to keep from crying myself. "I know. They'll make it stop at the hospital. Just relax. I'll take care of you." She quiets and I start rubbing her back gently. "Just relax, honey. Think about something else besides the pain."

Casey sobs again and asks me what, and I say the first thing that comes to my mind. "Think about that time we swam naked in my parent's pool." I laugh at the memory. "Remember how scared I was? But you were fearless. I was so mad at you when you jumped in…but then I joined you. Remember how fun that was?"

But Casey isn't distracted enough. She squeezes my arm and cries, "Alex…I want to tell you something. Please let me tell you something." It sounds like it's painful and difficult for her to talk, but I encourage her to go on anyway. "I'm sorry too, about what happened. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. And I'm sorry I ran away. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have been a coward; I should have stayed so we could make it right. I love you."

I'm crying now too. Seeing Casey in so much pain and hearing her words is way too much for me. I kiss her cheek and stroke her hair again. "No, Casey; you don't owe me any apologizes. We _are_ making it right. But let's not talk about this right now. We need to get you better."

Casey sucks in another deep breath and flinches and then when she catches her breath she says, "I wanted to say it. In case…"

I know what she's thinking and I stop her right away. "Don't say it, Casey. I know you love me. I love you too. And you're going to be fine. Okay? There's no other choice."

I notice the taxi has stopped in front of the hospital and I yell at the driver again to go get a wheelchair. Once he's returned with it, he helps me get Casey into the chair and I toss a couple hundred dollar bills at him and then hurry into the hospital with Casey.

I cause quite a scene when we enter. I scream at the first nurse that I see that my girlfriend needs a doctor now. I'm so upset and making such a fuss that it takes three nurses to calm down. I'm carrying on more than Casey is and normally I'd be ashamed with myself, but tonight I don't care. I just want Casey out of pain and better.

Registration papers are thrust at us and Casey is asked for her insurance information. She's able to give them the information required, but I have to fill out her forms. Casey is being so brave and trying not to breakdown, but that lasts only until I'm finished with her papers. As the nurses takes them from me, Casey grabs her arm and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm in so much pain…please give me something…._anything_."

I'm right on the nurse's heels as she walks back to the desk. I'm demanding that Casey be seen _right now _and that they make her pain stop. The nurse lets me ramble on until she reaches her boiling point. Then she holds up her hand and angrily raises her eyes to me. "Ma'am….I apologize that your friend is hurting, but you need to let me do my job. I'm checking her into the system and a nurse will take her back to a room right now. We can't give her anything for pain until we know what's wrong. Her condition seems to be serious so I assure she'll be a top priority to be seen. I will page Dr. Brown, who is on call tonight, and he'll come to her room right away. In the meantime, I need you to tell the nurse who takes her back exactly what her symptoms are and I need you to stay calm. She's in a good place…we'll take care of her."

"I'm sorry," I tell her, letting myself show how upset I am. "She's my girlfriend and I…"

She smiles warmly at me. "I understand. But you're not helping by being so worked up." She looks over my shoulder and nods to where I left Casey. "Rebecca is here to take her back. You should have some answers soon."

I walk back to where the nurse Rebecca is talking to Casey no longer feeling like I want to rip someone's head off, but still sick with worry and just wanting some answers. Casey is telling Rebecca how she's feeling and within minutes we're taken back to a room.

Rebecca takes all of Casey's vitals as I sit next to the bed holding her hand and talking softly to her. She begs again for pain relief but is given the same answer I was by the nurse at the registration desk.

Before Rebecca even leaves the room, a very young and handsome doctor strolls in. He briefly introduces himself as Dr. Brown and goes to work examining Casey. He asks her to repeat her symptoms, and then sits down on a stool next to the bed.

"Casey, I'm going to apply pressure to the lower right side of your abdomen. It may be very painful, but it's necessary; I'm sorry." She closes her eyes and nods as he presses down on her. She screams and squeezes my hand so tightly I fear she's going to break it. Dr. Brown apologizes again and stands up. His attention is now on me. "She has acute appendicitis. I'm surprised her appendix hasn't burst yet; it's so swollen that I could feel it before I even applied pressure. We need to remove her appendix right away. Rebecca will give her something for the pain and something to relax her and I'll be back to take her to the operating room."

I stare at him as he walks out of the room, not able to form any words. Appendicitis? Operating room?

No…this can't be happening! Casey has already been through enough. Her mother's passing, me cheating on her, now this. Why is this universe conspiring against her?

Rebecca has an IV in Casey and I watch as she gives her a shot in the arm. She smiles down at Casey and says, "That takes only a few minutes to work. You'll feel better soon."

I look down at Casey with tears in my eyes. She's no longer crying or complaining about the pain. She's almost smiling at me as she reaches out and touches my cheek. "I'll be okay, Alex. They take appendixes out every day. It's very minor. I already feel better. That shot took most of my pain away."

A tear slides down my cheek and I nuzzle against Casey's hand. "But they don't take out my girlfriend's appendix every day. I'm sorry you have to go through this, Casey. What can I do to make you feel better?"

Casey closes her eyes and then opens them again. "Is my purse here?" I nod and she continues, "There's something I want you to get for me. In the front pouch."

I quickly grab her purse and unsnap the front pouch. All that's there is some loose change…and a velvet box that looks familiar. I pull it out and look at her with a puzzled expression. She nods, indicating I chose the right item.

"Put it on and give me your answer."

I pop the box open and start to sob again as I slide the beautiful ring onto my finger. Then I lean down and kiss Casey. "Yes, I will," I tell her, the answer I should have given her in the first place.

Casey smiles and closes her eyes again. She's getting tired. There's a sedative in that IV. She manages to say, "I want mine too," and I sob harder as I take her ring out and put it on her finger. Casey has just enough strength left to smile and say, "My answer is yes too…" before closing her eyes and succumbing to the powerful medication.

I stand there holding her hand and crying as I watch her eyes close and Dr. Brown return to the room to wheel her away. Letting go of her hand is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Rebecca touches my shoulder and smiles warmly at me. "She'll be fine. It's a very minor and quick operation. She'll get to go home in the morning and recovery time is very short. Don't worry. Go back to the waiting room and someone will let you know when she's out of surgery. Is she your sister?"

I shake my head as I leave the room. "She's my fiancée"

**So...what does everyone think? Some surprises there. How do you think this will all play out? Any thoughts? Did Casey forgive Alex too easily, and if so, will that cause problems later? Please review and let me know what you think!**


	34. Chapter 34

**Thanks** **so much for reading and reviewing! I** **really appreciate all the feedback. Here is the latest update. And I did research on the procedure Casey had, so everything is factual.**

I've been sitting in the same chair staring at the same paragraph in this magazine for a half hour already. I'm a nervous wreck. I know it's silly; appendectomies are the most common surgical procedures in this country and Casey is at a top-notch hospital. But I can't help but worry. So many things could go wrong; she could have a reaction to the anesthesia or there could be severe complications from the surgery. I love her so much and can't imagine anything happening to her.

I was told the surgery could take anywhere from between forty-five minutes to an hour and a half, depending on the method the surgeon chooses to use and whether or not there are any complications or problems. It's been a half hour. I either have only minutes to wait or over an hour longer.

I don't like being away from home right now. I don't know anyone here; we have no friends or family in DC. No one to sit with me to wait to hear the fate of my beautiful fiancée.

I called Casey's father. I told him I would let him know as soon as she's out of surgery. He seemed surprised to hear from me, but also relieved that I'm taking care of his daughter.

I would like to let Casey's co-workers and Senator Palmer know about her condition, but I have no idea how to reach any of them after-hours. I feel badly for not knowing. But I figure Casey can give me their contact information tomorrow when she's fully awake and I can let her know then.

I sigh and drop the magazine onto the table. I lean back in the chair and admire the beautiful ring on my finger. My heart fills with happiness and pride when I see it. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life; besides Casey, of course. Casey picked it out for me. Casey bought it for me. That makes it even more beautiful.

I'm engaged. Alex Cabot is getting married. The words seem strange, foreign. I never thought those words would apply to me. I thought I would be eternally single and married only to my job for the rest of my life.

And then a worried thought grips me – what if Casey didn't mean it? She was under the influence of Morphine and pre-surgery sedative. Her mind was clouded. She sounded coherent, but that doesn't mean she was. And she was frightened; terrified, even. The decision could have been made to give me my ring and accept mine out of fear and haste. In fact, I'm _sure _it was. She had told me only hours before that we need to re-build slowly. Getting engaged the same day those words were spoken is not moving slowly.

And that's okay. If Casey changes her mind, it's fine. I understand the situation and the circumstances and I will completely be okay with it if she chooses to wait. But for now she is my fiancée and I'm going to enjoy the feeling.

I can't believe how this day has turned out. Hours ago I was on a flight headed to find Casey, having no idea how the day was going to end. I didn't know if I was going home alone, moving to Washington, or going home with Casey. And then…she was in my arms again. I was holding her and she was holding me, and it took away every bit of hurt I had inside me. For those moments we held each other, I was truly happy again. Casey was giving me another chance and coming home and we were going to _be _again.

And now she's in a sterile operating room being cut open and having an organ cut out of her and I'm sitting here in an uncomfortable orange plastic chair, worried sick and feeling more useless by the minute.

I wish I had someone I could call; someone to talk to. I would even settle for Dr. Emmerick right now. I wonder what she would think about all this? Me ignoring her advice and running to Casey, the two of us being together again…what would she say? I plan on keeping my appointment with her this coming week. Maybe I can convince Casey to go with me. Maybe relationship counseling would be a good way to rebuild trust.

I take out my phone and compose a text message to my mother. I know she's in bed now but if she gets up to use the bathroom, she will check her phone. I plan on phoning her in the morning and telling her that Casey and I are back together and I'm semi-engaged. But I can't wait until then to tell her that Casey is in surgery. So I quickly type, _I am in DC with Casey. It's a long story; I will explain tomorrow. But she has appendicitis and is in surgery right now. Please call me._

I turn my ringer volume up all the way so I will hear it if I get a call or text from my mother, and I slip the phone back into my purse. I look at my ring again and for the first time in my life, I have the urge to thank someone I can't see for what I have.

I've never done this before. I've never been a religious person and I've never taken the time to thank a God I wasn't sure existed for anything I achieved or had. But now, it seems right. I must have had help somewhere along the way to get Casey back and be here with her now. I raise my eyes upward and say softly, "I know I've never asked you for anything…in fact, I'm not sure I ever believed in you. But right now, I'm pouring my heart out. I have more than I know I deserve and someone must have intervened for me to be here today. Casey is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love her so much that I can't even describe it. She gave me another chance when I didn't deserve one and tonight…" I stop and suck in a deep breath. I'm getting emotional now. "I almost lost her once to my own doing, and tonight I could have lost her again. For good this time. I – I can't even imagine that. I can't imagine Casey not being here. I can't imagine having to go home without her. It's a miracle that she took me back. We belong together, but still…it's a miracle. So thank you. For whatever help you provided. And thank you for giving me Casey. She's the most perfect and beautiful human being on this planet. I love her smile. And her laugh and her eyes. I love watching her play those stupid video games I've gotten sucked into as well, and I love riding on her scooter with her. I love cuddling on the couch with her and feeling her body against mine, knowing that I'm hers and she's mine. You can't take her away from me. Please keep her safe and well during her surgery so I can hold her again. Please. She's been through so much. She doesn't deserve anymore. Give her a break. Stop testing her; she's proven herself." My voice breaks as I continue. "That's all I ask. Thank you."

I look back down at the carpet. There's a man sitting across from me who is eyeing me strangely, but I don't care. I don't care at all that he just heard my desperate plea to a God who does or doesn't exist. They were words I needed to say and I feel better now that I'm unburdened.

About twenty minutes later, Dr. Brown comes into the waiting room. The expression on his face is hopeful and happy and my spirits are immediately lifted. He smiles at me as he takes the empty seat beside me. "Miss Cabot, I have no good news."

My face lights up. "Casey? Is she out of surgery? How is she?"

"She is out of surgery; she just went to recovery. She is just fine. We were able to remove her appendix using the laparoscopic method, so her recovery will be very quick. There were no complications and no other problems present. Normally the patient would be sent home the same day as the procedure, but given the late hour, we will keep her until the morning. She needs to take it easy for at least two days. She's encouraged to move around, but no exercising or strenuous activity. If she does not have a physically-demanding job, I see no problem with her returning to work on Monday, given no complications arise in the meantime. I have prescribed an anti-biotic that I would like her to take for ten days to prevent infection."

I'm relieved. It's like a huge million pound weight has been lifted right off my shoulders. I can breathe again, and I no longer feel sick. "What is the laparoscopic method? How is it different than a regular appendix removal? And Monday seems awful quick for her to go back to work…"

"Laparoscopic is the preferred method nowadays for appendectomy surgery. It can usually be performed as long as the patient's appendix has not ruptured; and Casey's had not. Laparoscopic surgery uses a thin, telescope-like instrument called a laparoscope which is inserted through a small incision. The laparoscope is connected to a tiny video camera which projects a video image of the operative site onto video monitors in the operating room. A second and third incision are made above the pubic bone and in the left lower abdomen. Instruments are inserted through these incisions to remove the appendix. We see better results, less instances of infection, and much quicker recovery with this method. The patient is left with three very small scars instead of one large surgical scar. The laparoscopic incisions are so small that they don't even require stiches; they're closed using surgical glue."

That does sound better than a huge incision that stays sore and oozes for days. It will be less painful and more comfortable for her.

I let out a long, relieved sigh. "Oh thank goodness…she was in so much pain when we came in. Is that common with appendicitis?"

"It's very common; appendicitis is extremely painful. It would have been even worse if her appendix had ruptured. Be thankful you guys got to the hospital when you did. And to address your earlier concern – the return to work depends on Casey. If she would like a few days off, I will provide her with a doctor's note. But as long as her job is not physically-demanding in any way, she would be fine to go back on Monday as long as she doesn't overdo it over the weekend. Her only restrictions will be that she can't lift over eight pounds for two weeks, and as I mentioned earlier, I would like her to lay off exercise and other strenuous activities for at least a week. Especially biking and sexual intercourse."

It sounds so funny to hear a doctor say "sexual intercourse"…I have no idea why. It just does. I almost smile but manage to stop myself. It's a good thing Casey isn't here right now.

"Can I see her now? Is she awake?" I ask excitedly, anxious to see and touch her again.

"She just got into recovery. I'll take you back to her room. She'll be groggy for an hour or so and may go back to sleep. If she does, just let her sleep. The anesthesia has to completely wear off before she'll be herself. But the pain will be very minimal and we'll discharge her first thing in the morning."

That all sounds good to me. I follow Dr. Brown down the long sterile hallway, each step getting closer and closer to my love. I hope she's awake so I can tell her how much I love her.

A nurse is just checking Casey when I step in. She seems to be talking to her so I have a huge smile on my face as I approach the bed. I treat the nurse as if she isn't even there as I stand beside her and pick up Casey's hand. Casey's eyes are open but she's looking straight up at the ceiling. "Hi, sweetheart! I'm so glad you're okay!"

Casey turns her head and looks at me, a small smile forming and her eyes glassy and unfocused. "Alex…so glad you're here…" Her words are slurred and she weakly squeezes my hand.

The nurse must catch the distressed look on my face to see Casey in this state, because she turns to me and says, "Don't worry, she's fine. She's not completely with it right now but after some rest she will be. She's doing very well. Her vitals are great."

I keep my attention on Casey. I know she's okay and she'll be out of here in mere hours, but my heart still hurts to see her this way. She still looks so pale and confused. I wish I could crawl into bed with her and wrap my arms around her. I think the hospital might frown upon that, though.

I can't help but release a tear as the nurse finishes and steps away from the bed. She tells me that they'll move Casey to another room in an hour or so, but that I'm welcome to stay. I grab the metal chair and drag it next to the bed, sitting down and taking Casey's hand again. God, I'm so glad she's okay! This night could have turned out much, much worse. She might be pale and confused but at least she's not crying and screaming in pain anymore.

I let my finger run over the ring Casey is wearing on her finger and my heart fills with pride again as I look down at my own. It's so beautiful. Casey picked out the most beautiful ring in the world and I'm proud to be wearing it.

"You're going to be okay, Casey. I'm here," I tell her, just to reassure her.

Casey looks at me again, confusion still in her eyes. "Where am I? What happened?"

She needs to rest. She looks exhausted and her eyes keep closing and then opening, like she's fighting sleep. But if she goes to sleep the anesthesia will wear off quicker. So I lean over the bed and place a kiss to her forehead. I'm immediately relieved when the warmth is gone, signaling her fever has finally gone away. "Just sleep, baby. I'm going to stay right here. You'll feel much better when you wake up. Sleep, please."

After a moment, Casey asks, "Am I home?"

"Casey," I say again, very gently. "Please just rest." I sit back and hold her hand in my lap, rubbing the back of it gently. "It's okay, baby. I love you. Close your eyes and sleep. I'll be here when you open them again."

I keep talking softly to Casey and soon the resistance to sleep leaves her and she slowly closes her eyes again, as if my words are magically lulling her to sleep. I keep talking even after her eyes are closed, until I'm sure she's not going to open them again in the next few seconds. I'm satisfied she is asleep when I watch her chest rising and falling evenly.

And then I let the tears come again. Not tears of sorrow this time, but instead tears of relief and happiness. My Casey is going to be okay. I still have her. She's still mine.

Everything_ is_ going to be okay.

* * *

><p>Casey sleeps for another two and a half hours. She didn't even wake when they transported her to a room out of recovery. I had walked beside the bed as they were taking her to her room, watching her and worrying that she was going to wake up and be frightened of what was happening, but she never did.<p>

It's a little after three AM when Casey opens her eyes again. The lights should be out in the room since it's the middle of the night, but they left them on so Casey could get her bearings when she wakes up. She looks straight ahead and a blinks a few times, and then turns her head and looks right at me. Her eyes are bright and focused now. As soon as she realizes who is sitting beside her, she smiles. "Alex!"

"Hey darling," I say gently, getting up and planting myself right on the edge of her bed and touching her cheek. My eyes are filling with tears. "It's so good to see those green eyes again."

She smiles. "You never call me darling."

I smile back and pick up her hand, kissing the back of it. "I do now. I think it fits you."

Casey smiles again and then looks around the room. "I told you I'd be okay. You panicked for nothing."

For some reason, I burst out laughing. Loud, unrestrained laughter. I'm laughing so hard that my ribs hurt and I'm crying again. And Casey is looking at me as if I've lost my mind.

"What could possibly be funny? I'm sitting in a hospital bed having just woken up from surgery and it's God-knows what time on a Saturday morning…what do you find funny about this?" Casey demands, a hint of another smile on her face. I know she isn't serious in the least.

I wipe my eyes and try to pull myself together, but I do let a few more chuckles slip out. "I'm so sorry, honey. It's just that I'm so relieved and happy that you're awake and talking to me. And the way you're acting…it's just amusing. Normal people would be asking how their surgery went and using this time to rest, and you're making fun of your girlfriend."

"Well, I'm not normal, so it's okay." Casey squeezes my hand. "And you aren't my girlfriend. You're my fiancée."

She remembers what happened. She _had _meant it. She was sincere. My heart swells again and I can't stop smiling. "We'll have a story to tell all our friends for years to come – we got officially engaged in a Washington DC emergency room while you were under the influence of Morphine and a pre-surgery sedative."

Casey laughs, brushing her thumb over the top of my hand. "I admit that's not what I wanted for my _second _proposal. But who cares how it happened? We're getting married. We're officially committing to each other. That's all that matters."

"Yes," I agree whole-heartedly, staring into her eyes so intensely that I swear I can see her soul. "It _is _all that matters. I'm just…happy you meant it. I was afraid you had done it out of fear of not waking up or you were so out of it that you didn't realize what you were saying or doing."

"I was scared; terrified, actually," Casey admits, suddenly turning very serious. "The only time I can remember being more frightened was when you were in your car accident. And I really hadn't planned on giving you that ring again for awhile; I had been serious when I said I wanted to rebuild slowly. But I couldn't help it, Alex. You were so caring and gentle with me. You helped me hold it together on the taxi ride to the hospital. I saw how upset and scared you were for me and even though I was upset and scared myself, and in horrible pain, I was more concerned for you. I love you. And when you asked me how you could make me feel better…well, nothing could have made me feel better more than the two of us sliding those rings on and promising our hearts to each other forever. I closed my eyes and drifted off knowing for certain that I had someone who loves me that would be waiting for me to open my eyes again, and that meant I _would_."

I start to cry again. I can't help it. I've become such a softy; Casey has made me a sap with the way she's always saying and doing the sweetest and cutest things.

"Sometimes in relationships going through hell isn't so bad if you come out stronger on the other side," Casey says with a small smile. "We did go through hell, but we're both stronger from it. So it wasn't all bad, Alex."

I nod at her, not knowing exactly what to say. I feel the same thing she does in my heart. We really are engaged and Casey is going to be mine forever.

Casey speaks again, squeezing my hand reassuringly. I hate this; I should be reassuring _her. _ "I am so glad you decided to come when you did. I'm glad you were there to help me through my pain. I don't know what I would have done without you. I'm sorry for being such a big baby."

"You weren't a big baby at all; Dr. Brown told me how bad the pain is from appendicitis. Don't think for a minute that you acted like a big baby. You were tougher than me; I would have been lying in a ball screaming the entire time."

"You're so cute, Alex. What time is it, anyway?"

"A little after three AM."

Casey yawns and lifts her gown, checking out Dr. Brown's handiwork. There's a bandage held on with surgical tape and Casey starts to pick it at it.

"Stop!" I screech at her, my voice so sudden and loud that she jumps. "Leave it alone."

Casey glares at me. "But I want to see…"

"You have three small incisions. They didn't actually have to cut you open. They're closed up with surgical glue. So there's nothing much to see."

Casey looks disappointed. "I went through all that, and I won't even have a badass scar to show for it?"

"Casey, you should be thankful – "

I'm interrupted by Dr. Brown strolling into the room. "Well, I see my patient is awake." We're both startled and we turn to look at him. He's wearing a smile. "How are you feeling, Casey?"

"I'm fine," she says quickly. "A little tired and kind of sluggish, but fine."

"Any pain?"

She shakes her head. "None at all. This is a vast improvement from when I came in. I'd never been in that much pain." She smiles at him. "Thanks for fixing me up."

Wow; Casey is pretty incredible. A couple hours ago she was in the worst pain of her life and then had surgery, and now she's sitting up in bed wide-awake talking as if nothing happened at all. I want her strength.

Dr. Brown asks Casey a few more questions and then explains the procedure that was done on her and her current restrictions. Her face lights up when he says she can return to work on Monday if she feels she is ready, but I but in my two cents at that suggestion.

"I don't know about that, Casey…you need to take it easy. I know this wasn't a big operation, but still…"

The glare I'm receiving from my fiancée could melt a block of ice in two seconds. "Doctor, my fiancée is a worrywart. Please tell her I'll be okay."

Before he can speak, I say "You shouldn't be going back to work on Monday after having your appendix out on Friday night."

Dr. Brown takes this as his cue to back out of the room. I guess this is one lover's quarrel he doesn't want to be in the middle of. "I think you should see how you feel on Sunday, Casey. But you're doing well now. I have other patients to see, but you should try to get more rest. We'll have your discharge papers by eight and you'll be on your way. I can give you a mild prescription for pain control if you wish."

As soon as he's gone, my attention is back on Casey. She is doing well, but she should listen to her doctor and make sure she _continues _to do well. "Maybe you should go back to sleep. We'll discuss the work thing later."

"I've got less than five hours to be in here; I don't need to sleep. But you should." She suddenly grabs my hand again. "Oh, Alex! You haven't slept, have you? I'm so sorry! You must be exhausted! Why don't you go back to the hotel and rest and then come back to pick me up? Or I can take a taxi back."

I'm appalled Casey would even suggest that. "I am not leaving you alone after you just had surgery! And there's no way you are taking a taxi. We'll both take a nap in the hotel after you're released."

Casey has that adorable smile on her face again. "It's going to feel so good to cuddle with you again. I've…missed it, Alex. And we need to talk. About everything."

She's right; we do. But now is not the time. "We will talk; after we're at the hotel and we've both slept. There's no rush. But just rest for right now.

Casey sighs and turns her head away from me. I swear I can see her slightly wince, but I don't call her on it. Still looking away from me, she says, "Harrison is probably hungry."

"Harrison?" I ask in confusion, and then it takes me a minute to remember her ferret. I hadn't seen him in the hotel room…where was he? "Do you have him? I didn't see him in the hotel room."

"His cage is in the corner, by the microwave. I didn't want housekeeping to see him…I'm not sure if you're supposed to have pets there."

That makes me laugh; typical Casey! "Wow, you really planned this out well, didn't you? Living in a hotel with a hidden ferret and a busted down scooter. What happened to your car, anyway?"

Casey looks at me sheepishly. "I sold it before I flew out." I gasp, and she tries to justify it. "Come on Alex, it was pretty crappy. I need a new one anyway. And you're right; I _didn't _plan it out. I ran because I was hurt. And sometimes you run to see who will follow you. I think I left my stuff packed because I was hoping I wouldn't have to stay. I think I was hoping you'd come and get me. Deep down, I think I _wanted _you to follow me."

"I think you're right," I tell her, a tear streaking down my cheek. "And I came because our hearts are connected and neither of us can survive without our other half."

We lock eyes and hold each other's teary gaze for several seconds until Casey asks me to kiss her, which I do happily. I think it makes us both feel better.

We talk awhile longer until Casey starts to get sleepy again. She tries so hard to stay awake for me, but soon she's drifted off to sleep again. I watch her sleep with a huge smile on my face. She thinks she's such a toughie, but I know better. She's a living teddy bear, and I can't wait to go back to the hotel and hold her.

* * *

><p>It's nearly nine AM by the time we get back to the hotel. It would have been sooner, but the doctors chose to take their time with a discharge plan for Casey and I had insisted on getting her pain medication filled. Of course she's telling me she won't need it…but we'll see. I could tell the taxi ride back was a little painful for her. She'd flinch every time we hit a bump. I was discreet enough not to comment on it, but I did keep a close watch on her.<p>

Casey calls her father to give him an update and I call my mother, who has left me two frantic voicemail messages after getting my cryptic text. As I'm speaking to her, I go in search of food. There's a McDonald's across the street from the hotel, so I walk there and get breakfast sandwiches for Casey and I. I get myself an orange juice and a Coke for Casey, since she always insists on drinking soda for breakfast. I'm still working on breaking her of that bad habit.

When I arrive back in the room, Casey is up and has Harrison on the bed. She's feeding him something from her hand and smiles at me as I enter. "I knew he was hungry."

I sit the back of food down on the table. "I got us breakfast. What are you feeding him?"

"Raisins. They like them as a treat." She looks up and eyes the bag of food. "And thanks, but I'll eat mine later. I'm not hungry."

"Casey, you need to rebuild your strength." I get Casey's sandwich out of the bag and unwrap it for her. "Eat half and I'll stop harassing you."

"When I was discharged, the nurse told me I might not have an appetite right away. It's an effect of the anesthesia. Don't worry, Alex." She looks back down at her furry friend and holds out her hand. "I will have that beverage though. I assume it's a Coke?"

I hand it to her with an eye roll and a sigh. "You're impossible, Novak. You need to stop with the soda for breakfast. And put that animal away and lay down. You just had _surgery_. Dr. Brown did say to take it easy for a couple days. That's today and tomorrow. And Monday, if I have my way."

Casey still doesn't look up again. "You won't have your way on this. I'm working Monday. I just started the job, Alex; I can't miss a day. And you can't take any more time off your job either."

"So you want to get a U-Haul again and drive back tomorrow? I don't think sitting in a truck for almost five hours will be any good for you. They said the sitting position will make you hurt for a couple days. Why don't we fly, and have your stuff sent back? We can hire movers. And we can take Harrison on the plane too."

Casey finally puts her pet away and takes me by the hand. She leads me over to the bed and pulls me down beside her. I love this close contact. I've ached for this. I can't help snaking my arm around her shoulders. I just want to be touching her.

"You know Alex, now that's time that we should talk."

I swallow harshly. I don't really like the way Casey said that. Something about the tone of her voice sounds almost…remorseful? But I'm respectful and I don't interrupt, letting her go first.

"As I told you in the hospital, I didn't plan on us being engaged right away. I was going to give you that ring again when things got back to normal. And even though I don't regret giving it you and taking yours, there still has to be rules. I love you with all my heart and soul, Alex, and I know you feel the same, but we need to discuss certain things. Before we make any wedding plans. The first one is my job. I told you I'll have to be in DC every Monday and occasionally on other days as well. I'll have to attend special events with the Senator and staff quite frequently. It's not going to be like us both working nine to five anymore, Alex. Our schedules are going to be different. We have to be able to work with that. If you don't think it will work, tell me now and I'll go back to my job in Brooklyn."

I place my hand on Casey's knee, stopping her with that sentence. "No you won't; you like this job. You're going to keep it, whatever it costs. Being in DC on Mondays is fine; we already discussed that. I told you I'd be willing to move here for you but since you don't want that, we _will _make this work. Any events or dinners or whatever you have to go to, I'll be there. As the supportive fiancée…and eventually supportive wife." Casey smiles at that, and I brush a strand of hair away from her eyes. "We're in this for life; whatever I have to do for you, I will. I promise you that, Casey. We'll make this work. I'm one-hundred and ten percent dedicated to _us_."

Casey giggles and kisses my cheek. "You can't be one-hundred and ten percent anything. That's an impossible percent. But I feel the same for you; I'm committed and I'll do whatever I have to for you as well. You already know that."

"Yes, I do."

"And we already promised each other honesty but I think we need to re-make that promise."

Those words stab me in the heart but I know she's right. I broke the trust we had. It's my job to start rebuilding it again. Starting _now_.

I remove my arm from Casey's shoulders and I grab her and hold her at arm's length so we can look into each other's eyes. I hold her arm with one hand and squeeze my locket with the other. "I never took this off, Casey. Even after you left. This locket is my most prized possession. Not just because you gave it to me, but because it contains that picture of us caught in the prime of our happiness. It shows our future, how we will be forever. And it guilts me to no end that I kissed Olivia and allowed her to touch me while wearing this." Casey looks away as I say this, but I make her look at me again. "It's the worst thing I've ever done, and the lowest thing. I won't ever forgive myself, Casey." I release the locket and hold both of her hands. "So from this very second on, and for the rest of my life, I'm making you a promise using my whole heart. I promise I will never lie to you or hide anything from you again. I promise I will never intentionally hurt you and I will seek vengeance on anyone else who does." Casey smiles at that but quickly realizes I'm serious. "I love you, Casey Novak, and I'm promising myself to you forever. I'll prove that you can trust me."

By the time I've finished my speech, Casey is in my arms. She's crying softly against my shoulder and I'm rubbing her back, enjoying the feel of her in my arms again where she belongs. "That was beautiful, Alex. I love you too."

After several minutes of tear shedding from both of us, we finally break apart and smile at each other. "Now I think we should relax and enjoy the rest of our weekend. Let's not talk about future plans or anything serious until we're back in New York. You stay in bed and I'll wait on you hand and foot and baby you like the princess that you are. Does that sound good?"

I get up and turn the bed down so Casey can crawl under the covers and once she's in bed I grab the breakfast bag off the table and stick it in the little mini fridge. I'll eat later too; tending to Casey is more important that my growling stomach.

I flip the TV on and give Casey the remote. She's fluffed a pillow up behind her and actually looks pretty comfortable. I stand next to the bed running my fingers through her hair and I ask, "Do you need anything, baby? Want me to find a gas station and get you a slushie? Anything at all?"

Casey smiles and pats the mattress right beside her. "I want you next to me. That's it. You're better than any slushie."

As I get in beside her and Casey rests her head on my chest as we both watch TV, I think to myself that this turned out pretty good. And as soon as we're back in New York, it will be even better. I have a plan. A plan that will sweep Casey Novak off her feet.

* * *

><p>I drove home by myself Sunday evening after <em>a lot <em>of convincing from Casey. She did seem to be okay and in very minimal pain, but I still hated to leave her. I really wanted her to take tomorrow off, but sadly I lost that argument. And as much as I want to, I _know _I can't take another personal day. So Casey is flying home tomorrow after work and will start in Senator Palmer's New York office on Tuesday.

She talked me into a renting a U-Haul truck and we loaded it up in the afternoon. It took three strong hotel employees to get her scooter in the back and secure it down. And of course Casey insisted that Harrison ride in the front with me. We loaded his cage in the back, and Casey had purchased a pet carrier so he was my companion in the passenger seat all the way home.

Getting everything out and into the apartment when I got home was the fun part. The doorman and a neighbor across the hall helped me. And at least they were decent enough not to ask me why Casey had left in the first place. I'm sure they were very curious, considering the show we had given them the day Casey left.

I don't sleep well Sunday night. I miss Casey already and I toss and turn, hoping she's okay and not in any pain. She had promised to call me as soon as she was up in the morning, and it's her call that wakes me before the alarm on Monday morning. Hearing her voice and knowing she was going to be home with me in _our _apartment before the night's end was my motivation to get ready for the day. After a long shower and a few cups of coffee from Starbucks, I was on my way, determined and happy.

And now here it is six-thirty Monday evening and I'm getting ready for Casey's homecoming. Her flight is at seven which should get her in just a little before nine if there are no delays. I have my whole evening planned out. It's going to be very special for Casey; an evening she won't forget.

I had called her this afternoon and told her I wasn't sure if I could pick her up at the airport and asked if she was okay with taking a taxi. She said of course, but I could hear the disappointment in her voice. It had broken my heart. But in order for my plan to work, I need to be _here _in the apartment when Casey walks in the door. She'll forgive me within seconds when she sees what I have planned.

I get the most beautiful bouquet of white roses I can find and I place them on the small table by the door that we both use to toss our keys onto with a handwritten sentiment card placed inside. It's basically a welcome-home-I-love-you note. I plan on Casey finding this before she sees me. If everything goes according to plan, anyway.

I spend the next hour and a half in the kitchen preparing Casey's favorite pasta dish – chicken alfredo with steamed broccoli. I had found a great recipe online and went out of my way to make sure I prepared it correctly. I know I could easily go out and get the pasta dish from Casey's favorite Italian restaurant, but that just wouldn't be the same. I want to make it for her.

Luckily it seems to turn out just fine. I leave it on the stove to stay warm and wait a little while before I steam the broccoli and melt the butter on top.

After I've finished dinner, I put the rest of my plan into action. I place the white lacy tablecloth I bought today on the table and get out the wine glasses. Casey's favorite wine is my least favorite, but I bought the biggest bottle available anyway. I set it down on the middle of the table and go to work placing the candles around the apartment. I put two on the table, one on the coffee table in the living room, one on the table by the flowers, and another on the kitchen counter.

Then I find a use for the red roses that are sitting patiently on the bed. I carefully remove the petals and make a trail of them leading from the kitchen to the bedroom. Then I spread some petals around on the bedspread and pillows. I have the book Casey made me propped up against the headboard. I want us to look at it together tonight.

I wait until eight-thirty to put the last phase of my plan into place. I quickly light all the candles and turn the living room and kitchen lights down to the lowest setting on the dimmer switch. I get the plates out and set the table for our dinner…and then I head back into the bedroom to change.

I bought a new dress today, just for Casey. It's sparkly red, because Casey always says she loves me in red. The dress is skimpy and uncomfortable and nothing I would wear out of the house. But my Casey will love it. I put on my best pair of earrings and quickly work on my hair until it's reached an acceptable wavy state. Then I do a walk-through of the apartment to make sure everything is in place and set. After that, it's a waiting game.

Casey comes through the door at quarter after nine. I'm in the kitchen and I hear the door open, followed immediately by, "I'm home. Alex? Why is it so dark in here? Are you home?"

I wish I could step into sight so I could see the cute confused expression on her face but I have to remain unseen at least until I know she's found the flowers. A few moments pass and I hear no more sounds from her. No footsteps and she says nothing else. She _has _to have found the flowers by now.

So I take a big chance. I walk into the living room and stop right inside the doorway, leaning seductively against the wall. Casey is holding the flowers in her hand and in the candlelight and I can see her smile and the tears in her eyes.

She raises her eyebrows as she walks towards me, placing the flowers on the entertainment center. Her eyes wander up and down my body. She obviously likes what she sees. Without a word she takes me in her arms and holds me close, and I take in that sweet perfume she always wears. She whispers she loves me in my ear and we rest our foreheads together when we pull apart. This feels _so good._ I could come up with a million words to try and describe it, but they would never even come close.

"I love the flowers, Alex. Thank you. And even more, I love _you._" She gives me a quick kiss and then holds me at arm's length and looks me up and down again, a light laugh escaping her lips. "And obviously something is wrong with the electricity and as a result you were unable to properly dress yourself. Need me to look at the fuse box?"

Even in a situation where I'm trying to be serious and romantic, Casey's sense of humor puts a smile on my face and makes me laugh. I stroke her cheek with my thumb and say, "You don't like what you see?"

"I very much like what I see." Casey's face grows serious now and she holds my hand, using her free hand to caress the almost non-existent breast line of the dress. "This is the most beautiful and sexy thing I could have ever hoped to come home to. The dress is beyond beautiful, Alex. And so are you. Thank you for doing this. I love the candles too." Her voice is laced with emotion and I see them shining.

I'm wearing a huge satisfied smile as I squeeze her hand and start to lead her to the kitchen. "The surprise isn't done yet." I walk her right over to the table and when we stop, she actually gasps. I leave her side and remove the pot of pasta from the stove. I mix the simmering alfredo sauce with it and tell Casey to sit down. As soon as she's seated I bring the pot to the table and dish her up a generous helping and follow it up with a small plate of broccoli. Then I make a plate for myself and stand right by Casey's chair. "I made you dinner. I hope you're hungry."

Casey is trying to so hard not to cry right now. She doesn't dare speak. She only nods at me with a sweet smile, her shining eyes watching me as I pour us both a glass of wine and then sit down across from her.

Before I allow her to eat, I reach across the table and take her hand. "I thought you should have your favorite dinner on your first night home. And I got cookie dough ice cream for dessert; it's in the freezer. If you'd like to change your clothes or anything before we eat, please free feel. I don't want to rush you."

Casey finally gives into the tears. She gets up out of her chair and is hugging me so quickly and tightly that I barely have time to react. I hadn't anticipated this. I hug her back and she cries into my shoulder, "Oh, Alex, this is lovely! I never expected this…you hate cooking! This is why you couldn't pick me up at the airport. You were working on making tonight perfect for me."

I'm choked up myself but I manage to hold my tears back. As soon as Casey releases me, I wipe her tears away with my thumb and gaze lovingly at her. "I hope it _is _perfect. I haven't done enough for you in our relationship and I want you to know that that's going to change starting now. It's going to be more equal than before. I'll cook for you just as much as you cook for me; I'll learn how to make everything you like. You deserve everything in the world and I'm going to give it to you. I'd wrap up the moon and the stars and give them to you if I could. You're amazing; I love. I can't say those words enough. I _love _you, Casey."

"I love you too, Alex," Casey says softly, in extreme danger of breaking down again. "More than you'll ever know. And coming home and discovering you worked all evening to make this night perfect for me…I can't even describe how it feels. It makes me feel special. It makes me feel incredible." She chokes back the new set of tears that have surfaced. "You're the only person who has ever made me feel incredible. I want you to know that."

"I'll make you feel incredible every day, Casey. From this day on. That's my promise to you."

After more tears to follow our heartfelt exchange, I make Casey sit down and enjoy her dinner before it gets cold. She almost cleans her entire plate, confirming my belief that I actually made it taste good. That or she choked it down to be polite. That's probably the likely answer; it didn't taste that great to me.

After I clean up in the kitchen, it's time for the second phase of my plan. I need to keep Casey out of the hallway and bedroom until it's time for her to see the petals and the book. She needs to use the bathroom so I banish her to the one at the start of the hallway. I warn her to go no further or it will cost her her life. And as soon as she emerges from the bathroom, I take her to the living room and make her sit down on the sofa while I go to the bedroom and change into something more casual – a blouse, a light jacket, and jeans. As soon as I set foot back into the living room, Alex knows something is up.

"Are we going somewhere?" she asks suspiciously. "It's nearly eleven."

"Since when are you worried about getting to bed early? Especially on a night like this?"

I'm not at all worried about Casey refusing to go with me. I have her in the right sentimental state of mind. And if worse comes to worse and she won't go, I can carry out the reminder of my plan right here. I can tweak it a little.

I crouch down in front of the couch, taking Casey's hand. "Will my beautiful girl do me the honor of going for a moonlit stroll with me?"

The look on Casey's face is so adorable. I think I'm going to keep that image in my mind forever. She says nothing, just nods excitedly while I pull her off the couch and quickly extinguish all the candles so our home won't burn down while we're gone.

We walk the three blocks to the little park that Casey likes to eat lunch in. They just put a boardwalk in over the water and it's the perfect place to take Casey for what I have in mind.

We never lose contact with each other's hands as we walk. There are a few other late-night parkgoers, but mostly the park is deserted. It's almost like we have it to ourselves. The only light is coming from the park lights and the moon. It's a very romantic setting…perfect for what I have in mind.

"How are you feeling? How is your side? Any pain from the surgery?"

"Very little pain. I had to take some Aleve today, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I took it easy." Casey squeezes my hand. "I think I'm going to survive, Alex. You made sure of that. You came after me at just the right time. When I needed you the most."

"I almost didn't come at all," I admit as we step from the sidewalk onto the boardwalk. I can feel Casey's gaze on me, interested in my words. "I went to see a relationship therapist. I was so desperate…I needed someone to talk to. She advised me to give you time. Said you were hurting to and I needed to let you heal in your own way. I completely blew off her advice. I felt better after I got my feelings out, but how could I follow her advice? If you were hurting, how could I leave you to hurt alone? How could I sit in my empty apartment and think about you alone in Washington, hurting because of me? I couldn't. I _couldn't _Casey."

I get another squeeze from her. "I'm glad you didn't. I'm proud of you for talking to a therapist. I know how hard that must have been for you. And I _was_ hurting; every second of every day. And I don't mean the pain from the appendicitis I didn't even know I had at the time; I mean the awful crushing broken heart pain. Like nothing I'd ever experienced before. When I started to get sick, I thought it was because I was so upset. I didn't know anything was wrong. And then there you were, my beautiful Alex, coming to rescue me."

That familiar stabbing guilt gets me again. "God I'm sorry I put you through that, Casey. Every day I'm sorry. And I'm glad I got there when I did too. Seeing you in pain like that…talking to me like you weren't going to see me again…it was awful. I have never been so scared. Being shot, being put in witness protection, facing Connors in court…all that was _nothing _compared to how I felt when they wheeled you away to surgery."

"I was scared too, Alex. You were the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes and if I wasn't going to open them again, that would have been okay…because I got to see you one last time and let you know how I really felt."

"Oh, Casey…" is all I can muster. "Of course you were going to open your eyes again. What would this world be like without you? Who would want to live in a world that Casey Novak didn't exist in?"

I glance at Casey and see her smile. "The fact is I shouldn't have run away. I was a coward. I was hurting and the only way I could deal with my hurt was to distance myself from you, which was wrong. I shoulder some of the blame here too."

"Casey," I tell her sternly. "Don't say that. You've been nothing but good to me. And there's something I want to say. Please let me."

We've reached the middle of the boardwalk and off to the left there's a small grassy area that's used for setting up lawn chairs and picnicking. It's abandoned right now. We're the only ones on the boardwalk. I decide this is the perfect time and the perfect place. I can't wait any longer to do this.

I lead Casey to the grassy area and I spin her around so she's looking at me and only me. We're standing directly under a lamp so I can clearly read the amusement and excitement on her face. She knows I'm up to something. But I'm positive she doesn't know what.

I let my heart overtake me and I start talking, almost unconsciously. "I have been the happiest woman in the world for almost a year because of you. Even when things weren't good – like when I had my car accident – I was still happy because you were there making everything better. You know me better than I know myself. I think you always have. Even when I was with Olivia and you were just our friend, I think you knew I wasn't happy. I think you knew I wasn't meant for Olivia. I couldn't see it myself at the time, but you could. I remember you telling me one day that you liked my smile, even though you saw it rarely. We were in my office and you told me I had a Mona Lisa smile. You said that meant that even when I was smiling, I was still a little sad. I remember how angry I had gotten at you. But you were right, Casey. I _was_ sad before. I wasn't happy; I wasn't complete. But I am now. I'm finally really the person Alex Cabot is supposed to be. And I know I made that awful choice with Olivia and I've apologized and tried to make it right…but I know I never can. I can never fully undo the hurt that caused you. All I can do is promise again from the bottom of my heart that it will _never _happen again. I can promise you my love and devotion every day for the rest of my life. No matter what life throws at us. No matter what we have to go through or face. As long as we have each other, we can get through anything. Because together we're one…but separately we're only half the people we're supposed to be."

Casey takes a deep breath and holds it, tears running down her cheeks. She doesn't even try to stop them. I take her left hand and I get down on one knee. "I know we've already officially gotten engaged, but I never got a chance to do my proposal. And it's important to me that I do." I gently slide the ring off Casey's finger with some difficulty and present it to her as if it's the first time she's seen it. "Casey Novak…would you continue to make me the happiest woman in the world and marry me?"

Casey smiles and quickly nods. "Yes. Yes, I will, Alex. Of course I will. I love you."

I return her warm smile and slide the ring back onto her finger before standing up and taking my fiancée in my arms. We're both clinging to each other and crying, neither of us able to wanting to stop. I could stand here like this forever and I'd be happy.

And suddenly I know that's what I've just won; forever. And it's the best feeling in the world.

**So...what do you think? Like the chapter? Did Alex redeem herself? What do you think will happen now? Please review and give me your thoughts!**


	35. Chapter 35

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By the time we get home, Casey and I are both as giddy as high school girls. Even though we were engaged before tonight, somehow it feels new. It feels right; the way it should have happened from the start.

I can barely keep Casey calm as we walk through the door. I don't even have it closed before Casey pins me against the wall and kisses me passionately, traveling down to my neck and finishing with "You are beautiful, I love you."

I'm wearing a huge grin as I gaze at my adorable fiancée. _She's _beautiful. "Easy there, Novak. You're excited." She attacks my neck again and I giggle. "And you're an animal!"

"I'm primal," she answers quickly. "I can't help it. This has been an amazing night. You're an amazing girl."

"You're just as amazing, but can we at least move to the bedroom before we lose our control? And remember, Casey; you are not supposed to participate in any strenuous activity for a couple weeks," I remind her. I know it's mean, but I'm smiling cockily as I say it. I know that's going to drive her to madness.

Casey takes my hand as we walk through the living room and head towards the hallway. "I don't care. I am _not _keeping my hands off you tonight. That's just cruel."

"We have the rest of our lives to play," I tell her, stopping just before the light switch in the hall. I know as soon as I flick it on Casey will see the rose petals. I can't stop smiling. She will love it.

Casey starts to speak but as soon as the light is on, she stops. Her eyes immediately go to the petals and then she looks at me, confused at first but quickly grasping what's going on. "Did you do this?"

"No. Someone broke into the apartment while we were gone and left all our expensive stuff behind but littered our hallway floor with rose petals."

Casey swats my arm as we start moving down the hall. "I'm supposed to be the smart ass, Alex."

Once we get to the bedroom and Casey sees the petals on the bed and the book propped up against the head of the bed, she squeezes my hand and says, "Oh, Alex…this night just keeps getting better…"

I feel my heart swell with pride. She loves it. She loves everything I have done tonight. I've made her feel special and loved, which is what I set out to do. I'm so happy I accomplished my mission.

Casey goes over and picks up the book while I take my watch off and start to undress. "I know you like roses. And I thought we could cuddle up in bed tonight and look at that together."

Casey has her back to me and doesn't give a response, which concerns me. "Casey? Is everything okay?" I slowly approach her, now down to only my bra and panties. "Casey?"

She turns around to face me, clutching the book to her chest, her eyes red and full of tears. "Everything is fine, I just – I'm so happy right now. Even after everything that's happened. I never thought it was possible to be this happy. And I never thought I'd find someone who loved me just for _me_." She looks down at the book. "When I made this for you I tried to imagine what you would say and do when I gave it to you. I tried to picture the look on your face as you opened it and took a trip down memory lane. I couldn't wait to sit with you and look at it. But you found it on your own and I wasn't here to share the moment with you…I should have been. I was so stupid to run. I completely ruined it. I'm so sorry, Alex!" She's crying now, and I feel my heart breaking as I realize she's blaming herself for something that is _my _fault.

"Casey," I say, keeping my voice gentle and low. I take another step toward her and give her a hug. She completely relaxes in my arms and hugs me back. "Please don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. I'm the one who hurt _you_. I drove you away. You were right to want to get as far away from me as possible. And yes, I did find the book alone, but it was still a beautiful moment. I wish you had been there to share it with me too, but I'll still never forget it. I didn't read the whole book. I couldn't. After about a quarter of the way in, I called the airport and booked my flight to Washington to find you. Just by the few letters I read I knew how much of your heart you put into what you had written and put together for me. I never knew you wrote me a letter every week. It's the sweetest thing in the world."

Casey pulls away from me and wipes her eyes, finally smiling. "I know, Alex. I just wanted us to look at it together the first time."

I squeeze her hand, making her look at me. "We _are_ looking at it together. We'll read it from the beginning. Half tonight and half tomorrow night. Now change into your cute little PJs so we can cuddle."

Casey fingers my bra strap. "Do I have to wear my PJS? Why don't you just take those…undergarments off and I'll do the same? It's a special night. We can go commando."

I laugh. "Sure. Then the apartment building will catch on fire and we won't have time to dress before it's evacuated. We'll be standing in the parking garage naked and shaking from the slight chill in the air. Then we'll be arrested for indecent exposure."

"I believe we have had the indecent exposure conversation before after the little incident in your parent's pool," Casey says. She reaches behind me and unhooks my bra, causing it to fall to the floor. "And I believe I told you that you had nothing to worry about, because nothing about _you _is indecent. And if we have a fire and end up in the parking garage, my hotness will keep you warm, so don't worry yourself."

I can't help it. I laugh. Damn Casey and her ability to make everything funny.

So I totally give into her and soon we're both rolling around on the bed, rose petals clinging to our bare skin. I know we should stop; Casey's operation was only a couple days ago. This isn't good for her. And it's getting late. We both have to work early tomorrow and if we want to look at the book and sleep a decent amount of hours both, we need to turn in soon.

But I can't bring myself to stop. This feels so good – too good. Casey is touching me everywhere I like to be touched and I'm giving it back to her, making her whimper in desire and moan my name, which is music to my ears.

"Casey," I breathlessly rush out as soon she removes her finger from my sweet spot and I'm able to speak again. "Is your side okay?"

Casey is just as out of breath as me but seems able to put words together better. "Jesus, Alex. Enjoy this. Stop worrying. I'm _fine_. You're the best medicine available. Now stop."

So I do. I say nothing further about Casey's physical restrictions. She doesn't seem to be having any trouble to me. If she were in pain she would let me know. But she seems to be enjoying herself just as much as I am.

This is the best way possible to end our perfect night together – sweet lovemaking with my beautiful fiancée. We take our time, pleasuring each other in the ways we know excite the other, and when we've finished we collapse in a ball of sweaty flesh, desperately trying to catch our breath. We're both breathing so heavily we sound like two dogs panting in the summer heat.

Casey reaches out and twists a strand of my hair around her finger. "Alex...that was great. Thank you. I love you so much. And I have something I want to tell you."

I turn my head so we're looking at each other. Her warm brown eyes are the most beautiful sight my eyes have ever seen. "What is it, baby? Tell me."

She smiles. "I want to take your last name."

I hadn't even thought of that. What name we would take never even crossed my mind. But it seems that Casey has already thought about it.

"Are you sure? You don't have to. I can take yours. Or we can hyphenate our names. Or not change them at all."

"I'm sure." She touches my cheek now, causing me to close my eyes and savor her touch. "I want to be Casey Cabot."

I prop myself up on my elbow and have to pick a rose petal off my arm. "That is the cutest thing I have ever heard. When do you want to get married?"

Casey thinks for a moment and comes up with a quick answer, "Summer?"

"You phrased that like a question."

"So?"

I smile and reach out, combing my fingers through her sweat-matted hair. "So we'll get married whenever you want. You _tell _me, not ask me."

"But you have to be okay with it. What if I had said tomorrow?"

I shrug. "Then we would have went to the courthouse and gotten married on our lunch."

Casey seems shocked. "Really? You would have done that for me? You don't want an actual wedding?"

I pull myself up into a sitting position and Casey joins me. My eyes immediately go to her side. She no longer has her small surgical incisions covered so I'm able to see that they look okay. Not red or bleeding at all.

I lock my hands around my knees and look at Casey. "Well yes, I do want an actual wedding. But if you didn't, it would be okay. I want you to have whatever you want, Casey."

Casey smiles and hugs me, planting a kiss to my neck. "Oh Alex, you're so sweet. But I don't want a courthouse wedding. I don't want to go all out…but I do want a wedding. So let's pick something that we _both _want. A date and a venue that appeals to us both. Sometime in summer…you thinking outdoors or inside?"

"A summer wedding has to be outdoors," I tell her. "How about August? We can put something together by then. And we can go online and search venues. There are so many beautiful places here in New York."

Casey is smiling ear to ear. I have never seen her so happy. She can't stop smiling and touching me. "Alex…this is wonderful. We're going to be married. I know we were engaged before tonight but it feels _new _somehow. Your proposal was so beautiful. And coming home to this room and seeing the rose petals and making love…it was perfect." She glances at the alarm clock and laughs lightly. "It's so late and I'm going to be so tired tomorrow at work, but who cares? _This _is worth it. Now let's look at that book."

I'm starting to feel the late hour, but if Casey wants to stay up, then we will. I grab the book and hold it in my lap, looking at her questioningly. "You want to? Even though it's late?"

She nods in response and we both sit against the headboard. Casey takes the book from me and opens it on our laps. She glances at me with a sweet smile, and then reads aloud the note she had attached inside. I rest my head against her shoulder and sigh, enjoying the sound of her voice and the lingering smell of her sweet perfume that always seems to be there even after she's freshly showered. I've already read the note, but hearing Casey read it is like the first time.

Casey stops after she's finished the note and kisses the side of my face. "I love you, Alex. This is how I wanted it to be the first time you saw this book. Us cuddled up together naked after a lovemaking session."

I smile and turn to the first page, pointing to the letter there. "Then this _is _the first time. Read it to me, Casey."

Casey takes my hand and we stay connected as she starts to the read the letters she spent so much time compiling and putting her feelings into. I could listen to the sound of her voice all night.

I don't interrupt as Casey continues to read and my eyelids get heavier and heavier until I can't keep my eyes open any more. Slowly I'm lulled asleep by Casey's voice; my own personal lullaby.

* * *

><p>"But what if I'm no good at this marriage thing? What if Casey hates being with me?"<p>

I lean forward and look to Dr. Emmerick to say just the right words to make me feel better, to reassure me.

I've just told her everything; how I went to Washington against her advice, about Casey's operation and about our proposal. I hadn't even intended on making another appointment with her. But it's been a week since Casey has come home and I'm starting to feel nervous about the idea of marrying her. I have so many fears that I'm not good enough or will disappoint her in some way. But maybe Dr. Emmerick can help me sort through these fears and cast them aside or work through them.

I fully expect her to chaste me for going against her expert advice, but she doesn't. Instead she smiles warmly and says, "I'm very glad you're back together with Casey, Alex. It's very clear that you both love each other very much. Marriage is a big step, but if it's entered into for the right reasons, then you're already on the right track. Do you know _why _you want to marry Casey?"

"Of course. I love her. My life feels complete when I'm with her. I ache when she's not with me. She makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me feel better about myself. She's incredible and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and only her."

"And why do you think Casey wants to marry you?"

I can't answer for Casey exactly, but I'm pretty sure I know. "Because she feels exactly the same way."

Dr. Emmerick seems satisfied. "I don't think you have anything to worry about, Alex. As you start to plan the wedding and the date gets closer, it's natural to feel nervous. You're making a life-long commitment to one person. And that can be scary, no matter how much you love them. You'll no longer be two separate people; you'll be one."

I remember saying almost the same words to Casey. About how Olivia and I were two separate people but Casey and I are one. "I think we already are one."

"Then can you tell me why you doubt yourself? Why you think you might not be good at marriage?"

I sigh deeply, knowing I'm about to tell her the truth. Everything I've held inside since I was a little girl. "Because I never saw this life for myself. I was always overly ambitious in everything I did; I strived to be the _best_. If I couldn't be the best it wasn't worth trying, in my opinion. My parents always pushed me; not too much, but just enough. I completely dedicated my life to my school. When I was a teenager, I had no social life whatsoever. I didn't have friends or dates. I sat home on weekends doing my homework and studying. College was the same. I didn't have to work so I spent every free second I had in the library with my nose in a book, filling my head with as much knowledge as I could so I that I would be able to succeed in being the best. And my hard work paid off. I became the youngest ADA in New York's history. And it was what I wanted. _All _I wanted. When I first took that office, I saw myself as a workaholic with no time for much else. I was already married to my job and I knew my life was going to consist of routine and spending my free time prepping for upcoming cases and reading through notes to make sure everything was just so. And that's what I did; every day. I'd work, then come home and work some more until I went to sleep. Then I'd get up and do it all over again. I was sure this was going to be my life. This is what I _chose_. I never thought I was built for a relationship. The only thing I felt I could dedicate my entire life to was my career."

Dr. Emmerick nods, as if she understands the stupid thing I've just told her. "Then what changed? What happened when you got together with Olivia?"

"It was easy with Olivia. Because she was just as dedicated to her job as I was. She'd bring her job home, just as I did. We'd spend our evenings together doing paperwork in the living room. It seemed so natural, but looking back on it now, what kind of relationship was that? We barely ever went out. Of course to dinner and to the movies occasionally, but that's it. That was our lives. Our jobs and each other. And then she was gone and there was Casey. And Casey is so different than anyone I have ever known. She is so hardworking but when she walked out of that building at the end of the day, her job stayed there. She didn't bring it home. She'd dress in a baggy Rolling Stones t-shirt and a pair of faded jeans and play her video games or watch some gory movie on Netflix. Or she'd go out and tear through town on her scooter. It was always _something _with Casey. And I envied her ability to be able to do that. To be so normal and act as if every day wasn't the same. Then as time went by…I realized she was right. Every day _is _different and life is meant to be enjoyed. Work is work and home is home. Once you leave the office for the day and go home to your love, that's where you _are_. It took me so long to grasp that concept. Casey had to teach me; she had to show me. It's still difficult for me to maintain the balance between work and personal life, but I can do it now. And with Casey's new job…I don't know if it's harder or easier for her to leave work behind. She has much more on her plate now. But whether it is easier or harder, she still does it."

"You didn't answer my question, Alex. You gave me a set-up for your answer, but didn't actually answer. _Why_ do you think you won't be good at marriage?"

I'm looking down at the beautiful ring on my finger and I sigh again. "I'm just worried that I won't always be able to be in step with Casey. That sometime down the road my work will consume my life again. That I'll _let _it consume me. And I don't want that for Casey. She deserves better than a spouse who lets the stress of her job overwhelm her and snaps at her and treats her badly. That's what happens when I let my work take over. I become short-tempered and take it out on those around me. I don't want to do that to Casey. And what if we fight? What if we argue about everything and anything?"

"Alex, you are already putting too much pressure on yourself," Dr. Emmerick says softly. "It's to be expected; planning a wedding _is _stressful and the time leading up to it is nerve-wracking and sometimes unbearable, but you're worrying about things that aren't happening and things that aren't likely to happen. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I'm sure Casey doesn't expect you to _completely _leave your work behind. If you have a bad day at work or something happens that really gets to you, I'm sure she'd want you to talk to her about it instead of keeping it bottled up inside and allowing it to control you. Everyone is entitled to a bad day and a venting session. And with her job, I'm sure she'll have some of her own as well. And she'll want to talk to you about them too. That's what being engaged and being married means; you are _there _for the other person. You support them. Even if that means letting them talk about work once in a while. And of course you're going to fight, Alex. Everyone fights. You wouldn't have a healthy relationship if you didn't fight. You'll argue over stupid things that will look so silly once the fight is over, you'll do things to get on each other's nerves….it's part of a real, working relationship. It's part of life."

I'm still looking at my ring as I let the logical things Dr. Emmerick has just said sink in. "I know we will fight. I have no unrealistic fantasies about us never fighting, but what if it's constant and my fault, because I can't continue to separate myself from my career enough?"

"I think you need to talk to Casey about this," Dr. Emmerick says. "Tell her your fears. Believe it or not, she probably has some of her own and would be relieved to get them off her chest, just as you will. Have a conversation and _listen _to each other. If you don't address this, it's always going to be there. Bring Casey to your next session if you want. You can talk about it here. And she can talk about her fears too."

I shake my head. "I think we need to discuss it privately."

"All right. But don't wait, Alex. The longer you wait, the more it will fester. You will drive yourself insane with worry and won't even enjoy your engagement."

I leave Dr. Emmerick's office and return to work, a nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that tonight won't be a pleasant evening.

* * *

><p>I give Casey a sideways glance, hoping that will get the point across that what she's doing is driving me insane. But she doesn't see me. She just continues looking down at her crossword puzzle and clicking her pen.<p>

Dr. Emmerick's words are playing through my mind. _"You'll get on each other's nerves…" _Casey is doing that now. We're not even married yet and here she is, clicking away at her pen like a crazy person while I'm trying to follow the plot of the movie we're watching. Or maybe I'm just _looking _for something she does to drive me insane. Either way, I'm nearly to madness right now.

And finally I can't take it anymore. I give her the full turn scowl. "Casey! Please stop with that pen. I'm trying to watch the movie."

Casey stops immediately and gives me a cute smile. "Sorry, babe. Just a habit."

I soften a little. "Yeah, I know. I remember you doing that when we worked together in my office."

Casey laughs. "And I remember you always getting mad at me. Guess I should have learned, huh?" She slides closer to me on the couch and removes the remote from my lap so she can sit there instead. "Are you mad?"

"No," I answer right away, playfully shoving her off my lap. "But you have a bony butt so don't sit on me!"

Casey's smile grows wider. "You don't say that when we're…playing…"

I feel my face go red. "Casey! Stop it!" I'm laughing, even though I don't mean to be.

"Why? We're alone." She leans against my shoulder and makes herself comfortable. "Unless there are hidden cameras in the apartment and we're on one of those real-time reality shows and don't know it. Someone could be watching our every move."

I decide to play along. "Ohhh. If that's true, all the viewers are going to be insanely jealous of my hot fiancée."

Casey suddenly says, "Oh! That reminds me!" and scrambles up off the couch so quickly I can't even ask her what she's doing. She returns seconds later carrying her laptop and plops down beside me again, positioning the computer so it's balanced on both of our knees. "I did some research online for good outdoor wedding venues in the area. I know you found some too, but I wanted to show you this one."

She clicks the mouse and then I'm looking at beautiful photos of a flowery altar and a glorious fountain. "The Brooklyn Botanical Gardens Have you ever been there? These are photos from some weddings that have been held there. Look at how beautiful the altar looks with all the flowers. And the fountain is so pretty. They have beautiful outdoor lighting and a huge reception area. It can be rented out for weddings."

I have been to the Botanical Garden, and it _is _beautiful. A perfect place to have a wedding; though I never would have thought of it on my own. I take the laptop onto my own lap and click through the rest of the photos, Casey resting her head on my shoulder to look with me. "Do you like it? Can we put it on the 'maybe' list?"

Like it? I _love _it. I turn my head and smile at Casey. "It's beautiful. I have been there, many times. It would be perfect. We can put it on the 'definitely' list. I couldn't think of a better place. It matches your beauty."

Casey eyes fill with tears. "Oh Alex, that's so sweet!" She throws her arms around my neck and hugs me. "Thank you. I'll call tomorrow to find out what availability they have and to get prices."

Casey clicks through a few more photos and seeing what other people have done for their special day has put some ideas in my head. Ideas that's going to help me make this perfect for Casey.

"What made you decide to look up the Botanical Garden?"

"Actually, Senator Palmer mentioned it to me. It's where he and his wife got married."

I laugh bitterly. "Turned out real well for them, huh? I hope the Botanical Garden isn't cursed."

Casey keeps her eyes glued to the computer as she talks. "I don't think a wedding location has anything to do with someone staying together. I think it's the people. And their hearts. And whether or not they're honest with each other."

Oh God….it's like she can read my thoughts. It's like she's knows I'm scared and she's trying to prod me to talk about it.

And I _have _to talk about it. Just like Dr. Emmerick told me, and just like I know in my heart. I promised Casey honesty, and that's what she's going to get.

I find a tactful way to open the conversation. As Casey is shutting down her laptop, I casually ask, "How does the good Senator feel about you being engaged to a woman?"

Casey shrugs. "He's pro-gay. You know that. It's not an issue at all. Everyone at the office has been very supportive and happy for me." She hesitates a moment and then adds, "I'm sure it's been easier for me than it has been for you."

Surprisingly, it hasn't been as bad for me as I expected. I released a formal statement about my engagement on my DA website to squelch any rumors before they even begin. I got a few requests from local newspapers asking me to comment, but really no backlash. Colleagues have been supportive. Liz Donnelly was the first to leave a nice card and flowers on my desk to congratulate me. I had expected to hit some opposition and I'm sure there is talk going on behind my back, but all in all, it could be _much _worse for me.

"It hasn't been bad. And if people talk, so what? We love each other and that's all that matters." I smile and pick up Casey's hand. She returns the smile and it works its way all the way to her warm green eyes. "And there's something I want to talk to you about."

The expression on Casey's face changes to uncertainty, and I don't blame her. When your significant other tells you they want to talk to you in a serious tone, your stomach automatically drops to your feet in two seconds flat. You can't help it. It just happens.

"Well you know I'm continuing to see Dr. Emmerick. Today was my second session."

Casey smiles and gives my hand a squeeze. "Yes. And I'm proud of you, Alex. I hope it's helping."

"It is. But we talked about something that I need to discuss with you. Dr. Emmerick told me I need to tell you how I feel, and I think she's right. It's about marriage…I have some fears. About myself."

Casey squeezes my hand again. "Tell me, babe. You know you can tell me anything. I'll understand. I'll help you in any way I can. Just take your time and tell me."

And I know I can. It was silly for me to be afraid to talk to Casey about how I feel; she's the easiest person in the world to talk to, and she's always overly compassionate.

So I start at the beginning. I tell Casey exactly what I told Dr. Emmerick. And when I'm finished, she's still sitting next to me on the couch, still smiling and holding my hand. I haven't scared her away, and I feel myself relax.

"I'm really glad you told me that, Alex. And I want you to know that you have _nothing _to be worried about. There is no way that you will be 'bad' at marriage. You're so caring and loving; it's impossible. And to know that you never imagined yourself getting married and yet you're engaged to someone like me…it makes me feel like gold. It makes me feel special. And Dr. Emmerick is right; I don't expect you to _never _talk about your job. If something is going on and hard for you, I want to know about it so I can help make you feel better. I want to know about your day when you come home. And I hope you feel the same way about my job. And she was right in another aspect; I do have fears, too."

"What are yours?"

Casey sighs and then starts talking. "I probably sound like a broken record….but here it goes. I just worry that someday you're going to wake up and realize I'm not good enough for you. My self-esteem is much better since I've been with you, but it still isn't where it used to be. I'm still scared that I'm not enough for you. Simple and quirky Casey Novak doesn't seem to realistically fit together with poised and perfect Alex Cabot. But somehow, against all odds, we _do _fit together. And I have this constant fear that one day the dream will be over and you're going to realize you can do much better. Because I can't give you a house in the Hamptons or a new Cadillac every year…or, if you want to really get out there, a castle in France. Those are all things you deserve and they're not likely coming with me. And if you do get those things, it won't be because of me. It makes me feel awful to know that I can't buy you what you deserve."

That makes me feel sad; I _hate _that Casey feels that way. It's wrong. It's my turn to squeeze her hand. "Casey, I don't expect or want any of those things. Just because my parents have a house in the Hamptons and I grew up privileged doesn't mean I expect it for the rest of my life. We're together, which means we're _together _and what's mine is yours, and vice-versa. Anything we acquire will be _ours _and I expect nothing from you except what I'm giving to you; love and loyalty. That's all. No house in the Hamptons, no yearly Cadillac, no French castle. We're going to buy our own house and make our own life. And you're more than enough for me. Don't ever think otherwise. I'm lucky to have a girl like you, and I know it. And I promise that I'll share what needs to be shared about my job, but won't obsess over what I can't change or do anything about. And of course I want to hear about your day too, and I want to know when you've had a stressful or bad day."

There's that compassionate smile from Casey again. "It's just natural, Alex, for us to want to share about our days. So why don't we start tonight? Starting tonight, we'll both share something about our day. A rant, a compliant, something good that happened…whatever. Do you want to go first? Or should I?"

I like that suggestion. "You may speak and be heard," I tell Casey with a smile.

She rolls her eyes at me. "Nice. Anyway, here's something that happened to me. I was going to wait and tell you in bed, but now seems like a good time. Okay. So here it is – you know that Senator Palmer is up for re-election this year?" I nod, indicating I did know that. "Well, he asked me to work on his campaign. In addition to my regular job." She pauses, then asks, "How would you feel about that?"

That catches me off guard. Casey already works all day; how could she possibly take on any more work? I let out a little sigh. "How do _you _feel about it? Is it something you want to do? What all does that entail?"

Casey tries to keep track of my slew of questions. "Well…I think I want to. I think it's something I'd enjoy. I'm actually good at this type of job. And I'd have to travel around the state occasionally mostly on weekends and help put together campaign fundraisers and rallies and help organize and coordinate the campaign. Help plan strategy against the opponent…it would mostly be when I am able to help. Senator Palmer knows I work Monday through Friday in his office, but he did say he might pull me out occasionally to do campaign work. And I'll know ahead of time if something is planned for a weekend, of course you'd be welcome to come with me." She finally stops and takes a breath. "Okay. That was a mouthful. Sorry. How do you feel about it?"

I can't help but crack a smile and instinctively reach out to touch her hair. She's so cute when she's nervous and trying to talk me into something. "I think whatever makes you happy, Casey. And I'll go to anything you drag me to. It's amusing, really."

"How so?"

"Because you always _hated _that kind of thing. Remember what it took for me to get you go to that fundraiser for the Mayor? You wouldn't go to a dinner or a fundraiser or campaign rally if someone held a gun to your head. And now you're going to help plan them? Wow. You've really changed, Casey. And I mean that in a good way."

She's smiling again, letting her eyes shine once more. "I've changed because of you. You're good for me. And I promise I won't take on more than I can handle and I'm free to change my mind and back out at any time. But with your blessing, I'm going to accept."

I pick up her hand and kiss the back of it. "I think you should. You're smart. Senator Palmer needs you."

"Thanks, Alex. Is there anything else on your mind? Anything else you want to talk about? You still have to tell me about your day."

"We'll get to that. But no, I have nothing else on my mind right now. Do you?"

Casey looks at me sheepishly. "Yes…"

I frown in confusion. "Okay. What else? Did Senator Palmer ask you to be his personal assistant too?"

"No, nothing like that. It's something I want. Something I've been afraid to bring up because you're going to rip my head off and kill me…"

I let a laugh slip past my lips. "That bad, huh? I can't think of anything you could possibly want that would infuriate me that much, but go ahead. Lay it on me. Then I'll decide whether or not to start picking out a burial plot for you."

Casey looks all cute and innocent as she says two words, "A motorcycle."

Yep, that did it; she's definitely dead.

I have no idea how to respond to this. Saying 'No way in hell' seems a little cruel and controlling but I can't just smile and pretend I love Casey's insane suggestion. So I quickly come up with a tactful way to voice my displeasure. "A motorcycle? I'm not sure how I feel about that…aren't they dangerous?"

"A car is dangerous. Anything with wheels is dangerous. When you get in your car and drive to work you have the same odds as getting into an accident as someone on a motorcycle." She stops and considers what she's said, and I know what she's thinking before she says it. "That pile-up on the highway proves that. You could have been killed, Alex. It could happen to anyone at any time. Four wheels or two wheels; it doesn't matter."

I know I'm on the losing end of this argument. I can't prohibit Casey from buying a motorcycle; she's an adult with free will and I don't own her. All I can do is tell her how I feel. I sigh again. "You just got your scooter fixed. And we looked at that jeep a couple days ago; I thought you liked it? "

I had hated the jeep; but Casey loved it. She liked the idea of having a trailer hitch on the back so she could haul our bikes or her scooter or whatever other toys with motors she decides to buy in the future. And I was looking forward to getting my car back; Casey has been driving it work and I've been taking a taxi, since I work closer to our apartment complex.

"I did like it and I still want to get it; I need a car, regardless. But I've always wanted a motorcycle. My scooter is great, but it's limited. I can't take it on highways and it doesn't go more than sixty. A motorcycle would be perfect for me. Better gas mileage than a car and I could take it everywhere. I could take it to work and use the jeep only when I need to, like if we ever go on a trip or anything. And of course I'd wear a helmet, Alex. I'm not stupid. I know you're concerned about safety…but it would be okay."

I lean forward and try to come up with something to say to convince her to back down on this poisonous idea. But I don't think I'm going to win this one. Alex Cabot is losing. "Safety is my concern; yes. I've been on that scooter with you many times. You push it all the way to its limits and every time you whip around a sharp corner at top speed I have to hold my breath. You're kind of reckless on it…so picturing you on a motorcycle scares the hell out of me because you're right there riding the speed limit with the traffic and one wrong move and it's all over."

"I've been riding that scooter for years; I know my limitations. And that's just me showing off for you and being an ass. I'm careful when it counts."

"Great; that makes me feel _so much _better," I tell her with an eye roll. "Next time you feel like showing off, don't. It's not funny."

Casey turns very serious. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize it bothered you so much. I won't drive the scooter that way any more, I promise. And I would _never _do that on a motorcycle."

I steal a glance at Casey, and that's my undoing. One look at the determined and hopeful expression on her face, and I'm finished. I've relented. She knows I can't prevent her from getting what she wants, but she's still seeking my permission and my approval.

So I test her. "If I say no, will you still get one?"

Casey doesn't hesitate in her answer. "No. Not if you don't want me to."

Casey has so much respect for me that she'll go along with what I want no matter how she feels, and that's incredible. That's rare and it should be rewarded.

I pick up both of Casey's hands and meet her eyes. Her expression is lifting; she knows I'm backing down. "You're not going to get one of those huge ones, are you?"

Casey bursts out laughing. "No! And nothing excessively loud; no crotch rockets. Something cute. You can help me pick it out. Does this mean you're saying yes?"

"Yes. With one condition."

"Anything." Casey is so quick to please.

"You have to take a safety course first."

"Okay; that may be a requirement to get my motorcycle endorsement on my license anyway. I'll have to check."

"Even if it isn't, I still want you to take one. Can you agree to that?"

She leans forward and gives me a sweet kiss before saying, "Yes. I can do that for my beautiful fiancée. I promise I will. Thank you, Alex. You're the best."

I grin cockily. "Of course I am. And now I have this biker chick fiancée. Are you going to get a ton of tattoos too? Go all the way?"

Casey winks at me. "Don't plant ideas in my head. You might wake up tomorrow and find me all pierced and tattooed. And I may change my name to a more appropriate biker name…like Ursula or Tammy."

That makes me crack up. I grab Casey and pull her close to me so she's lying in my lap and I can play with her hair. I feel her sigh as I grab the remote and point it at the TV. "I completely missed the end of that movie. We were talking. Now we have to re-watch from the beginning."

Casey groans. "No! It was so boring. That's why I got into my crossword puzzle. Please don't make me suffer. Please?"

Oh, she's going to suffer. I just gave in and told her she could have a motorcycle; she's watching what I want to watch for the next ten years and she's going to smile and enjoy it.

I restart the movie on Netflix and Casey groans again. I'm quick to correct her. "Quiet you. I'm letting you have your death-machine; shut up and watch my movie." She moves to get up, but I stop her. "And stay here so I have access to your hair."

She gives one more groan and then the fight goes out of her. "You have a weird obsession with my hair. Was it like this with all your girlfriends?"

"No. I just love your hair."

We get back into the movie and fall into silence for the next couple of minutes. Then I decide to break it with, "And if you change your name to Ursula, we're through."

Casey gets a rise out of that and we spend the rest of the evening watching my boring movie and enjoying each other, which is my favorite thing in the world.

I'm pleased with how things turned out. We agreed on a wedding venue, discussed our fears and talked about other things on our mind. Communication is important in a relationship and I think tonight was a good step.

I just have to shake this nagging thought about the motorcycle being the worst idea in the world.

* * *

><p>Friday evening finds Casey and I getting ready to meet my parents and her father for dinner in downtown Manhattan. I had gotten the call from my mother the day before stating that she and dad had spoken to Casey's father and the three of them would like to take us to dinner on Friday night to celebrate our engagement. It means a three hour drive for my parents so they are staying overnight in the city.<p>

"Casey! Are you ready yet?" I yell out as soon as I'm out of the bathroom, where I've spent the last hour trying to get my hair perfect. We only have forty-five minutes before we have to leave and when I went into the bathroom Casey hadn't even changed into her dress yet. She always waits until the last minute, which annoys me.

So there are two things about Casey Novak that annoys me now – she clicks her pen and she's a procrastinator.

I've chosen my favorite red dress for our evening. It's low-cut, but not inappropriate so for parents and a future in-law. I'm wearing a gold bracelet that was given to me by my mother and my locket, of course.

As I enter the bathroom, I discover that Casey has changed into a blue dress. Her hair is pulled back and done up in a neat bun. She has her back to me and she's standing in front of the full-length mirror admiring her dress.

I approach her and hug her from behind, placing a kiss to her neck. "Wow. You look beautiful." And it's not a lie; she does look beautiful. Stunning, actually.

Casey is looking at me in the mirror and smiles before turning around to face me. Her eyes travel up and down my body. "Thank you, Madame, but it's _you _that looks beautiful." She reaches out and touches a strand of my wavy hair. "I love it when you wear your hair like that."

I put my hands on both sides of her hips and rest my forehead against hers. "That's why I did it."

"Thanks." Casey quickly turns away from me and looks back at the mirror. "But I don't think I like this dress."

I'm appalled. "It's so gorgeous, Casey! I love it! I don't think you've ever worn it since we've been together."

She's running her hands along her hips and stomach and frowning. "I must have been skinnier when I bought it. It's too tight." Her hands move up towards her cleavage and she adjusts it. "And it _hurts_. I had to put on a strapless bra and you know how unpleasant that is."

I have to smile; she's so cute when she's fussing and unsure about something. She's cute any time, but extra cute when she thinks something isn't going her way. It's amusing, the way she looks so worried and then looks to me to say something to make it better.

So I do; it _is_ my job to make her feel better, after all. I wrap my arms around her middle and rest my chin on her chest so I'm looking at her in the mirror the way she had been looking at me. "You look _beautiful_, Casey. The dress is not too tight. And you can handle a strapless bra for one evening. It won't kill you. You survived asking me for a motorcycle and you can survive this too."

I see Casey smile and that immediately makes me feel better. She meets my eyes in the mirror. "Thanks, Alex."

I stand up and pat her back before stepping away. "Of course. Now come on. Finishing getting ready."

She lingers in front of the mirror a moment longer, this time checking out her butt. I don't blame her; that's a very nice thing to look at.

"Was my ass always this big though? Or is it this dress?"

I can tell by her tone that she's not completely serious so I feel comfortable giving her a sarcastic answer. "No. It's much bigger than when we started dating."

Casey picks up a sock that is lying nearby and tosses it at me. "Alexandra Cabot! You are _not _helping!"

"That's me; never helpful," I tell her with a devilish grin and she tells me she hates me as she finally gets away from the mirror and goes in search for the proper shoes to wear with her dress.

I'm just picking out the right earrings when she sits down on the bed and puts on her shoes. I hear her say, just loudly enough for me to hear, "I'm going to develop a complex now. My fiancée thinks my ass is huge."

I don't acknowledge I've heard her until I have my earrings in and I'm sitting on the bed next to her. Then I look at her and say, in a very serious tone, "You want to get up off the bed? This is a fairly new mattress and I don't want you putting a permanent dent in it."

Casey tries to get mad, but never arrives there. Instead she laughs and jerks away from me when I try to touch her. "You're awful! I'm withholding kisses, touching and sex until my ass is an acceptable size."

I act as if her words don't affect me in the least. "Then we'll never do any of those things again."

After our easy banter session, Casey has seemed to relax. She's been anxious about this dinner; I'm not sure why. My parents adore her and she has a wonderful relationship with her father. I'm confident the evening is going to go wonderfully.

But just before we're ready to leave the apartment, I notice Casey looks sad. She's standing away from me, kind of staring off into the distance, her mind somewhere else. Concerned, I approach her and touch her shoulder gently. "Casey? You okay, honey? Not feeling well?"

She quickly snaps out of it and forces a smile. "I'm okay. I was just thinking that I wish my mom could be there tonight."

Of course that's what's bothering her; what an idiot I am for not realizing it sooner! My poor Casey. I give her hug and say, "I know, baby. I wish that too. But she's watching; you know that, right? She's proud of you. For everything; for this wonderful new job you have and for the engagement. She's happy for you, Casey. I promise you that. She will be there tonight in spirit."

My little pep talk has seemed to cheer Casey up. She thanks me with a light kiss and a sweet smile, and then I open the door for us both. And I can't resist poking at Casey one more time.

I gesture for her to go out the door first. "You first. I don't think we could fit through together, considering the size of your behind."

"Alex!" Casey says with a laugh as we take hands and start towards the elevator. "Stop! Just you wait till I find something to pick at you about."

I wait until we're on the elevator and the doors close before I say, "I'll get you a 'wide load' sticker tomorrow."

* * *

><p>My parents and Mr. Novak are waiting for us in the lobby when we arrive at the restaurant. They insisted upon taking us to <em>Baristo's<em>, a new overpriced reservation-only Italian restaurant in downtown Manhattan. I've been here once for a meeting with two of my ADAs; the meal was my treat and I had forked over a pretty fortune.

I greet my parents with a hug and as soon as Casey has finished hugging and kissing her father hello, my mother has grabbed her and wrapped her in a huge inescapable hug. I shake Mr. Novak's hand and watch my mother practically suffocating poor Casey.

"Casey, honey, how are you? I was so worried when I heard about your operation. I know it's been a couple weeks now, but how are you feeling?" Mother has released Casey and is holding her at arm's length.

"Mom!" I scold quickly. "Let Casey breathe. She's fine."

Casey smiles my way and says, "It's okay; really. And I'm fine, Mrs. Cabot, thank you."

"Please. Don't call me that. I'm going to be your mother in-law. Call me Caroline. And call my husband Alexander, please."

After our little caucus in the lobby, we're taken to our table. It's near the back in a well-lit area just out of the way of foot traffic so we'll be left to our privacy somewhat. Perfect.

Casey and I sit across from our parents and everyone starts looking at the menu. Overpriced is an understatement.

Suddenly, Casey's father speaks up. "Order whatever you'd like, please. The meal is on us. We all wanted to get together and celebrate your engagement. Everyone has been through some hard times lately and that just means you have to have a bigger celebration for the good things. And Alex, the same applies to you; call me Ken. Not Mr. Novak. That was my father."

I smile in appreciation. "Thank you." I let my eyes wander to my parents. "This was so kind of all of you."

I know the hard times Ken had been speaking of and I feel that familiar pang of guilt that one of them was because of me. But thankfully no one is talking about that.

A short while later the waiter comes by to take our orders. I'm surprised when Casey doesn't order her usual Italian dish and instead opts for a lighter choice. I hope my earlier good-natured teasing hasn't influenced her. I make a mental note to make sure she knows I was teasing later.

"So, ladies, let's see the rings!" Mother says excitedly, practically leaning over the table in anticipation.

Casey shows of hers first. She can't stop smiling as she talks about her proposal in the ER and then my well-thought out evening and my own proposal. Everyone is in awe of her ring, as if it's the most beautiful thing in the world. But it isn't; the person wearing it is the most beautiful thing in the world.

"So we kind of have a story to tell," Casey adds, finally withdrawing her hand and sitting back. "My hurried proposal and Alex's nice romantic one."

I feel that guilt again. It was Casey's _second _proposal, and her first had been perfect. We would have gotten engaged that night…had I not screwed it up.

It's my turn to show off my ring, so I do so proudly, beaming just as much as Casey as my parents and Ken admire it. Ken seems overly proud; probably because he knows it's the most expensive thing his daughter has ever bought.

"Have you guys decided on a location?" Ken asks.

Casey and I have joined hands again and I squeeze hers gently. "We have. We decided on the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. It's absolutely breathtaking. We saw pictures from weddings that were held there and they were indescribably beautiful." After a moment I add, "Like Casey."

Casey actually seems to blush. It's so cute – I've never seen her do that before. Maybe me talking that way in front of her father is embarrassing her.

"The wedding date is August eleventh," Casey adds with a smile. "We booked the garden for that day. So we have a couple months for planning. Catering, dresses, bands…the works. We know there's a lot and we won't wait until the last minute, but we don't want to rush and make plans prematurely."

Mom smiles at Casey. "Of course, dear. This day is yours. You two will only get married once. It has to be perfect for you. Take your time and decide what you want, and you know we're here if you need any help."

I am eternally grateful for my parents' support. It can't be easy on them having their daughter marry another woman but they have been nothing but supportive and I don't thank them enough. Even when I was with Olivia they were always nothing but happy for me, never criticizing my choices. I know the rarity in that; especially in a family as well-known as ours.

So I take this opportunity to tell them how I feel. "I just want to thank you guys for being so supportive and accepting of my lifestyle. You have every reason not to be, but you've still chosen to stand by me and love me and accept Casey into the family. Your love and support means the world to me; I can't thank you enough."

Mother's eyes have teared up as she reaches across the table and places her hand over top of mine. "You're welcome, honey. We're glad you're happy."

I then turn my attention to Ken. "And Ken, I want to thank you for Casey. This is for your wife too, because I know she can hear me. I'm sorry she can't be here but I still want her to know how much I love your daughter. I've made mistakes – terrible mistakes – but I've learned from them and Casey and I are stronger because of them. Your daughter is my world; she's the reason I get up in the morning and she's the only reason I'm able to sleep at night. I love her so much, more than I could ever try to even put into words. I've promised her my heart and my dedication forever, and that's exactly what I'll give her. I promise I'll watch over and take care of her. I'll yell at her for drinking soda for breakfast and being a procrastinator. I'm so proud of her for taking on this new job and doing so well, as I'm sure you are too. Casey is a wonderful girl and I promise I'll never forget that. I'll cherish her every day because she deserves nothing less."

For a moment no one speaks. My impromptu declaration of love and dedication has hit everyone in the heart, where it was meant to.

Then finally Ken says, not being able to keep emotion out of his voice, "Thank you, Alex. I needed to hear that. So did Casey's mother. I'm glad Casey found happiness. I couldn't be happier for the two of you. And if my wife were here, she'd say the same thing."

I nod and steal at glance my fiancée. She's wiping her eyes with a napkin from the table and says, "You have to be so sappy? My eyeliner is running now."

That gets a laugh out of everyone and I can't resist giving her a hug. She whispers in my ear, "I love you Alex; thank you for that."

Just as we break apart, I hear my text notification from my cell phone. I don't want to be rude and check it at the table, but I know it could be important. Not as important as this of course, but it may be something that requires a return text. So I politely excuse myself to the ladies' room and once there I fish my phone out of my purse.

I don't recognize the number. It's local; but it doesn't jump out at me. Frowning, I open the message. _Alex – I heard about your engagement and I wanted to say congratulations. I wish you the best. Love always, Olivia._

I grab the countertop and take a deep breath. The message has upset me. Not because Olivia knows; she was bound to find out. It's been in the papers and on my website. It's not like it's a secret. I'm upset because I hadn't expected to hear from her again. She had promised she wouldn't contact me. Of course it's just a text and nothing to get worked up about, but I can't help how I feel. It's almost as if she wants me to know that she knows.

I don't text her back. I put my phone away and make my way back to the table, trying to keep my expression relaxed and happy and push aside the nagging feeling in the back of my mind.

I take a seat next to my fiancée and look at her and suddenly Olivia's message is out of my mind completely. I'm here with Casey and our families now; that's what matters. Not some stupid text message probably meant to get me riled up.

"You're back just in time to hear my speech," Casey says with a grin. She takes my hand again. "You gave you, so I get to as well."

"I'd love to hear it," I tell her, returning her warm smile.

She focuses her attention on my parents. "Since Alex thanked my father and my mom, I'd like to do the same thing. I want you to know that Alex is the love of my life. I've never felt this way about another person. I feel like myself when I'm with her, and when I'm not with her it feels lonely and wrong. I look up to Alex so much; I always have. I admire her. She's beautiful and smart and what I aspire to be. She is so sure of herself and so confident, always. You've raised a wonderful daughter; you should be proud. And Alex has made such a difference in my life. My self-esteem was pretty low for awhile. It still isn't anywhere near Alex's, but I'm much better now because of her. She's shown me that it's okay and acceptable to be who I am. She appreciates my little quirks and my sense of humor. She puts up with me. And let's face it; anyone who knows me at all will tell you I'm an opinionated pain in the ass most of the time." Everyone laughs at that, including me. Then Casey goes on, "But Alex loves me in spite of that. Sometimes I even think she loves me _for _that. She's a rare combination of understanding and compassion. I can't give her the things you were able to give her growing up, and she's okay with that. Whatever I can give her is more than enough for her, and that's incredible. It's incredible that Alex the great would fall for plain ole' Casey Novak. But she has and I'll never take her for granted. I'll always be true and I'll always love her – every part of her. The good, the bad; everything. These rings are a promise and so are our words."

Wow. Talk about words dripping with love and sincerity. It's my turn to wipe my eyes. That was the most beautiful heartfelt speech I've ever heard. I can barely utter out, "Thank you."

Of course my mother is crying and up out of her seat in two seconds flat, suffocating Casey again. Casey doesn't seem to mind in the least, but I have to remind my mother that Casey needs to stay alive for our wedding and in order to do so, she needs air in her lungs.

"I'm sorry for going overboard," mother says, her eyes still damp and red. She kisses Casey on the cheek and then moves to me. "I just love both of you girls so much."

I smile gratefully. "We know, mom. Thank you."

Our food arrives shortly after our speeches and we spend the next forty minutes or so enjoying our meals and sharing stories. Ken is embarrassing Casey to death by telling stories from when she was in Girl Scouts. They're absolutely adorable and almost all have us laughing. Then the tables are turned and my father tells embarrassing stories about me and I get to see there mortified while my fiancée laughs hysterically at me.

I feel a little bit better when Casey orders dessert. She orders the two-person carmel sundae; I'm guessing I'm the other person in the equation and going to be forced to down half of it.

Before the dessert arrives, my father pulls an envelope from his briefcase. My mother and Ken both nod at him as he places it on the table. "We have a gift for you ladies. An engagement present from the three of us. We all went in on it together."

My eyes are on the envelope. It's flat, so whatever is inside must be paper or plastic. A gift card maybe.

Dad removes a photo from the envelope and places it on the table in front of us. I gasp when I look at it; it's a cabin. A real old-fashioned log cabin. Surrounded by water.

Casey and I look at each other in disbelief. This _can't _be what I think. No one gets a cabin for an engagement gift.

"It's on Montauk Lake. Very secluded and private, right on the water. Comes equipped with a grill and a kayak and a satellite dish. Very near biking and walking trails. It went on the market just this week and we were able to jump on it. We thought it would be perfect for you guys. Memorial Day weekend is coming up next month and you both have a three day weekend; you can make that your first trip there."

I don't even know what to say as I stare at the photo. My mom pulls a set of keys from her purse and hands them to Casey.

Casey looks absolutely shocked. She stares hard at her dad, and then at my parents, like she can't believe this is real. "You mean – this is _ours_? Our cabin? To go anytime we want?"

Her nativity so cute that I smile and put my arm around her, pulling her close to me. "Yes, Case. Our parents bought us a cabin."

We both deeply touched, but I think it's Casey that's getting more out of this. She's never had anything like this in her life. She thanks her father and my parents, getting choked up halfway through.

"You're welcome. We just want you guys to be happy. We hope you enjoy it," Ken says.

Wants us to be happy? I think we can manage that. I don't foresee that being a problem at all.

**So...what did you think? Did you like this one? Was it good that Alex and Casey talked about their fears? And what about Olivia's text? Should Alex have ignored it? what are your thoughts on the wedding venue...and the motorcycle? Next chapter is the weekend getaway at the cabin - what do you think will happen? Please review and let me know your thoughts about this chapter!**


	36. Chapter 36

**Thanks again to my loyal readers/reviewers! I think you will like this one :) Enjoy!**

We're both pretty tired by the time we get back from our dinner. The whole ride back Casey keeps saying she can't believe we got a cabin for an engagement gift. I can't either but I'm actually more amused by how excited Casey is about it.

I tell her about the text from Olivia almost as soon as we're through the door. I didn't want to show her at the restaurant; but now that we're home it can't wait.

"This is the text I got when I went to the restroom," I tell Casey, bringing up the text and handing Casey my phone.

She reads it and I watch her eyes go wide in shock as she hands it back to me. "Wow. She said congratulations."

"You don't think it's a big deal? Should I just ignore it?"

Casey pulls me down on the couch beside her and places her hand on my knee. "I don't think it's a big deal, no. We're not exactly keeping our engagement a secret so I'm not surprised that Olivia knows. Just don't text her back. As long as she doesn't come by the apartment or your office, I think it's fine. It's just a text. The Olivia chapter of our lives is over and all we have ahead of us is happiness. Don't let a stupid text spoil that."

I grin at Casey and place my hand on her knee as well. God, I love her so much. She's so understanding and loving. Her heartfelt speech this evening just confirmed that even more. Those were the most beautiful words I have ever heard.

"I'll delete it and put it out of my mind. You're right; she is behind us now and will never be an issue again. But I wanted to show it to you. I didn't want to hide it. I would have shown it to you right away, but it wasn't the appropriate time or place."

Casey plants a sweet kiss to my cheek and I feel myself melt. "Of course, baby. And thank you for showing me. I would have waited until we were home too. I had a great time tonight. I'm still in disbelief over that cabin. And your mom is so sweet."

"My mom absolutely adores you. She thinks you are the cutest most sweetest thing on this plant." I laugh lightly and add, "I think she likes you more than she likes me!"

Casey laughs as well and rests her head against my shoulder. "I doubt that, Alex. But she's a good woman. I'm glad she's going to be my mother in-law."

I start massaging Casey's bare arms and I can't resist placing a kiss to her neck. "Don't you want to get out of this dress? I thought the strapless bra was killing you."

"Sitting here right now with you is nice. I'm too lazy to get up."

"Mmmhh. I rather like sitting here with you too." I reach up and undo Casey's hair, causing it all to fall down to her shoulders and I run my fingers through it to get the tangles out. "I had a great time tonight too. It was nice having dinner with our families. And about what I said before we left - about you having a big butt. You know I was joking, right?"

"Yes, I know. And just you wait - I'll find something to tease _you _about!"

It's Friday night. No work for either of us tomorrow. And Casey doesn't have to leave for DC until Sunday night. So we have time for some…extracurricular activities while the night is still young.

"Why don't we go get out of these dresses and continue the celebration?"

Casey sits upright and looks at me, a sly smile on her face. "Really?"

"Sure. Why let a Friday night go to waste?" I answer, twisting a strand of Casey's red hair around my finger.

Ten minutes later we're both undressed and in bed, giving ourselves and the mattress quite the workout. It's funny; we were tired when we came home, but we both seem to have gotten a second wind.

We go for nearly an hour before Casey collapses against me, completely out of breath. She presses her bare stomach against mine and gazes into my eyes while I smooth her sweat-drenched hair away from her forehead.

"Give up, baby?" I ask, continuing to stroke her forehead while she smiles lovingly at me and nods. I'm just as out of breath as she is, but my stamina is still with me. "Aw. I'm usually the first to give up. I guess I should feel special that I wore the great Casey Novak out!"

She smiles again and kisses me. "I'm ready to cuddle up with you and go to sleep. And have sweet dreams about our wedding. And our cabin."

That sounds wonderful to me. I switch off the bedside lamp and put my arms around Casey so I'm holding her as she lies against me. It feels so natural; so right. We fit together perfectly. Like we were meant to fit together this way.

"I love you, Alex. And everything about you. Your dorky glasses and all. See you in the morning." Casey adjusts herself against me and sighs.

I'm smiling even though she can't see it. I wait a few minutes until I'm sure Casey thinks I'm not going to answer her, and then I say, "I love you too. Even with your huge butt. Sleep well. And _I _will make _you _breakfast tomorrow."

But I don't think Casey heard me. She's breathing steadily and I lay there until I fall asleep, enjoying the feel of my beautiful fiancée against my naked body and counting the beats of her heart.

* * *

><p>The next month passes quickly and is filled with wedding planning and work. Casey's job keeps her busy and with summer coming up and the campaign getting into full swing, she'll be even busier. And just a week ago she agreed to help handle the campaign's legal affairs. Her being away in DC one day a week has not been an issue thus far; she's been getting home before bedtime Monday night and we've been able to spend our evenings and weekends together.<p>

I think the next couple of months will tell whether she's taken on too much. If she were single it wouldn't be an issue; but she's my fiancée and I want to spend time with her. Quality time, not just an hour or two before she falls asleep at night.

I know I'm hypocritical. My job as DA has kept me at the office late many times and Casey has always been understanding. But it's different now. We're at a different place in our relationship. I understand Casey will have to travel around the state for her job but if it takes too much time away from us, I will ask her to give up some of it.

So I finally decide to talk to Casey about it over the holiday weekend. It's Friday of Memorial Day weekend and Casey and I are on our way to our cabin. We have three wonderful days of no work and relaxation ahead of us. Casey was off all day today; the lucky girl gets a four day weekend. She took the day to pack for us and take care of some last minute errands before we left when I got home from work shortly after five.

We decided to take Harrison. He's in a pet carrier in the backseat of my car, a travel cage disassembled in the trunk. We've been driving for just over an hour and so far Casey has asked me to stop twice so she could get him out and hold him. I have the air conditioning in the car cranked up way too high for my liking and Casey is still complaining about him being warm.

"He has fur, Alex. Poor guy is hot back there. We should have taken my jeep. I could have opened the windows in the back for him."

"Then roll the windows down and I'll turn the air off." I glance in the mirror and see him sleeping in his carrier. "He's asleep, Casey. I think he's fine." Then I look at my GPS. "And according to my Garmin, we only have a little less than two hours to go. I think he'll make it."

Casey finally stops fussing over her animal and digs out her newest electronic toy from her purse. I give her a sideway glance as I see her unzip the black case and lay her iPad out on her lap.

"I hope you aren't doing something work related," I tell her, putting my eyes back on the road. "We agreed _no _work. I have stuff that needs to be tended to as well, but I'm not touching it until Tuesday."

Casey shakes her head, not even looking up. "No. I intend to keep my promise. I'm just looking through my music on here. We need some tunes. I charged it last night so we have full battery power."

I hear a few clicks as she makes a screen selection and then suddenly a Katy Perry song is blasting from the unit. I recognize it right away; it's that awful song 'Firework'.

"Casey!" I yell out, semi-serious. "Not that song! Please! I'll drive us directly into a tree, I swear."

Casey giggles and increases the volume until I threaten to throw her out on the side of the road and speed away while she runs to catch the car.

"Then what would you like to listen you, your Majesty?" Casey asks in a very polite sweet voice.

"A Train song. You know I love them."

Casey obliges by putting on 'Hey, Soul Sister' and placing the iPad on the console between us, lowering the volume so we can carry on a conversation and still hear the music.

I pick up Casey's hand and kiss the back of it. "That's more like it, sweet cakes."

"I'm glad you're happy. You can repay me by buying me dinner. There's a Kentucky Fried Chicken on the next exit. That sounds pretty good."

I look at her as if she's lost her mind. We had agreed to drive straight without any major stops so we could arrive at the cabin at a decent hour. Dinner should be drive-thru easy-to-eat-in-the-car food. Greasy chicken doesn't qualify.

"Let's get something we can eat in the car."

"We can eat chicken in the car," Casey argues.

"It's too greasy, Casey."

"They give us napkins. And they do have things that aren't so greasy. The chicken strips aren't bad."

God, we're already arguing in the car like a married couple.

I quickly come up with a compromise. "How about Subway? I saw that on the sign as well. Subway on the way, and we'll get KFC on the way home. How does that sound? We'll have amble opportunity to eat greasy bad food this weekend with that grill there." I look at Casey and see her smile, then I add, "And you do know that grill is all you, right? I'm not touching the thing. It will explode on me."

"Probably will. Don't fret; I'll be the grill master!" It's her turn to pick up my hand. "And okay, I can do Subway. Just because you're cute and I can't resist."

As we get closer to the cabin we intend to scope out the nearest grocery store to the cabin and get everything we need for the weekend in one haul so we don't have to leave our sanctuary until we drive back home on Monday night. We stop at Subway and eat in the parked car in the parking lot and discuss what we're going to need. Ice, Mountain Dew for Casey, hamburger meat, hot dogs, chips, ice cream…everything on the planet that's bad to put into your body is what we will be eating for the next three days.

I surprise Casey by pulling into Kentucky Fried Chicken. She doesn't say anything, but gives me this sort of victorious smile as she unbuckles her seatbelt and comes around to the driver's side and opens my door.

"Go in and get our food. We'll eat out here in the car," I tell Casey. She gives me an odd look and I add, "I sacrificed Subway for you; the least you can do is go order for us." I motion towards the building. "Go. I'll babysit Harrison."

Ten minutes later we're both burning through paper napkins and trying our best to keep our take-out trash off the floor of my car. I can't stop wiping my fingers; this stuff is beyond greasy! Casey better appreciate what I've done for her.

"There's so much I want to do to you right now," Casey says seductively as she takes the last bite of her cole slaw and puts all her trash into the to-go back.

I swallow my bite of my chicken sandwich and tell her, "I can think of a few things I'd like to do to you too, but unfortunately we're outside of a family restaurant. But once we're at our cabin, I'm all yours."

Casey's grin grows wider. "So a sidebar in chambers later, counselor?"

My grin matches hers. "Absolutely."

After we're finished, we both deposit our garbage in the outdoor trash can and go inside the building to wash our hands. Then we get back on the road again.

Once we start driving again, Casey brings up a subject I had hoped she wouldn't.

"So I'm going to look at another motorcycle next week. This one is a Honda, available at the Honda dealership downtown. It's yellow and black. Pretty nifty. I want to take it for a test drive."

Casey has been taking her time picking out a motorcycle and I've been glad. I'm in no hurry to have her on the back of one of those things. But I know she's getting one sooner or later so I can't avoid it forever. And she has been taking a safety course; she just went to her last class in the four-week course yesterday and passed the test at the Secretary of State's office that allows her to get her motorcycle endorsement.

"Oh, really?" is all I can think of to say. Really, what does she want? Me to turn cartwheels and act all excited?

Casey picks up on my less-than enthusiastic attitude. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

She's just offered me an out, and I know it. All I have to do is say no, that I've changed my mind. And end of conversation; no motorcycle.

But I can't do that to Casey. It's not fair. I don't want to control what she does or what she buys. I don't like the idea…but I can accept it and deal with it as long as Casey promises to be careful. And the safety courses were a good start.

"Well you know I am not thrilled about it, but I trust you Casey. And I know you want it. You've gone through with your part of the bargain and taken the safety courses, so I have to stick with my part. I'll go with you to check out the Honda."

Casey smiles, prying one of my hands off the steering wheel so she can hold it. "Yeah?"

I take my eyes off the road just long enough to look into Casey's eyes and squeeze her hand. "Yeah. Let's do it after work on Tuesday. It's a date."

We stop at a Wal-Mart about twenty minutes from our destination. Wal-Mart is not my first choice for grocery shopping, but they do have pretty much everything and neither of us knows the area well enough to know if there's another shopping center.

We load our cart with all our food necessitates and then I have to wait for Casey to pick a new pair of flip-flops. She always does this when we're in a hurry; finds something extra to delay us longer. The girl does _not _need a new pair of flip-flops. But I keep my mouth shut as she tries on every pair and I tell her that they're all cute, hoping that will get her moving faster. Finally she picks out the ugliest pair they have – pink and green.

While we're standing in the checkout line, three young boys all under the age of ten are running around the lane, laughing loudly and kicking our shopping cart. Their mother is standing a few feet away, not even watching them and chatting away on her cell phone. I do my best to ignore them but I can tell Casey is getting pretty annoyed. After they push the cart into Casey for the third time and start knocking items down off the rack on our right, Casey can't hold her tongue anymore.

"Okay! That's enough! This is a grocery store; not a daycare," she says, and I watch helplessly as she turns to face the boys' mother. She waves her hand right in front of the woman's face until she lowers her cell phone and stares at Casey questioningly. Then Casey says, "Are those your boys?" When the woman nods, Casey goes on. "Would you mind ending your phone conversation and getting some control over them? They've hit me three times with our cart and are now knocking stuff off the shelves. I came here to shop, not babysit."

I'm trying to hold back the smile that's creeping across my face. Leave it to Casey to say something. Months ago that would have humiliated me and I would have gone to the car pretending not to know her; but now I stand by our cart and proudly take Casey's hand as she comes back over beside me. I hear the gentleman behind us say quietly, "I'm glad someone finally said something."

The woman barely utters an apology and collects her kids and they move quickly through the checkout line and after a few minutes it's our turn. As Casey is loading the plastic bags in our cart, she looks at me and says, "Sorry."

I shrug, loading the last couple of bags in and pushing the cart towards the exit. "Don't be. You were the only one in that line with enough guts to say something."

We make it out to my car and start loading the trunk and backseat with bags. It's dark now and we're only able to see by the parking lot lights.

"Kids annoy the crap out of me. Especially little ones like that. They should be kept on a leash until age twelve," Casey says, slamming the trunk closed when it's fully loaded.

I giggle at her and go around to her side of the car to kiss her before she gets back in the car. "Why don't you suggest the Senator propose that legislation? I'm sure that will win him his re-election."

Casey wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me back. "Mmmhh. You're being snarky now, but I still want you."

"The feeling's mutual; now let's get back in the car and find our cabin. We'll put all the food away and then go to bed. I think we're both exhausted so we'll unpack our bags tomorrow. Besides," I pull her closer to me and kiss her neck. "I really want to get my hot fiancée in the sack."

Casey pulls away from me and raises her eyebrows sexily. Then she opens the passenger side door and motions for me to get in. "Be seated. I'll drive the rest of the way."

I wait until she's in the car and buckled up before I say, "Sure, now that I made a promise of getting into bed you're willing to drive. You require extreme methods of motivation, don't you?"

She grins at me and starts the car. "You're motivation enough to make me do anything."

* * *

><p>We arrive at our cabin about forty-five minutes later, after some difficulty finding it. It is secluded and out of the way and my so-called 'best on the market' GPS did a poor job navigating us. And the after nine PM darkness didn't help either.<p>

But even in the darkness, the cabin looks impressive. The outside lights are on; I remember my mother calling to tell me that they had the electricity turned on for us this week and the lights are on a timer. It looks perfect. There's a vast desk attached to the front of the cabin and a dock leading down to the lake, with a boathouse on the right. I can see what looks like a kayak lying in the sand on the shore of the lake.

"Oh my God, this place is incredible…" Casey says as she helps me get the grocery bags out of the trunk and the backseat.

"Yeah; I can't wait to see the inside," I agree.

I remind her to leave our bags and we'll unpack in the morning and we go inside. I fumble around for the light switch just inside the door, and once I find it and the light springs to life, we both gasp in shock.

We're standing in the what appears to be the living room. There's a couch and a flat-screen TV mounted on the wall, as well as coffee table. There's a winding staircase off to the right and a small hallway to the left.

"Wow…" Casey says, not able to wrap her mind around this belonging to us. "This is great."

We find the kitchen easily and deposit the plastic bags on the table. The kitchen is incredible as well; stainless steel appliances and an island in the middle of the room. It's clear to see that the cabin was sold fully furnished.

We make another trip to the car for the remaining grocery bags and quickly put all the food away. Then Casey brings in her ferret and gets the cage set up in the living room.

Once we have everything put away, we both collapse on the couch and rest our heads against each other. I don't know about Casey, but I'm exhausted. The driving, the grocery shopping, putting the food away…I'm ready to snuggle up with Casey and go to sleep.

"I love this place," Casey says, stroking my hair back. "I can't wait to explore it some more tomorrow. I'm so tired. What do you say we find the bedroom and go to sleep?"

Casey must be a mind reader. I allow her to take my hand and pull me up off the couch and we find the master bedroom easily. There's another bedroom across from it that's empty, but the master bedroom has a fully-made king size bed, a dresser, a small flat-screen sitting on a TV stand and a mini fridge in the corner.

"A TV in the bedroom!" I exclaim excitedly. "Great! You won't let me have one in our bedroom at home."

"I never said we _couldn't_; I've just never liked to have one in there." Casey slips her flip-flops off and drops them down beside the bed, lying on her back and staring up at the ceiling. "Did you call the satellite company and get the service turned on here?"

My face falls as I remember I forgot that. "No…"

Casey sits up quickly, a grin spread across her face. "That's okay - I remembered."

I laugh and get in front of her, placing both hands on either side of her and effectively pinning her down so she can't escape me. I smile at her cockily. "Well, don't you think of everything, Miss Novak?"

"Yes," Casey says with a giggle, running her hand up my arm and capturing my lips with hers. "And you won't be able to call me Miss Novak for very much longer."

That makes my heart swell with pride as I realize she's right. This is Memorial Day weekend. We only have a little over two months as single ladies.

"That will be a shame. Are you going to do anything wild on the night before our wedding?"

Casey contemplates my words for a moment. I can't hold my position any longer and I allow myself to fall into her, resting my head on her chest as she starts to stroke my hair and my forehead. "I don't know. We'll have to see. You never know with me. You know the good thing about me?"

"What's that?" I ask, already knowing that there are so many good things about her that I could never list them all.

"I'm a surprise to myself. The things that come out of my mouth and my actions are a surprise even to me." She giggles and adds, "I actually don't know if that's good or bad."

I lean up and kiss her and Casey sighs contently and completely relaxes when I break the kiss. "It's a good thing. You're special, Casey. And you know what? I brought the letter book. If I wasn't so exhausted, I'd go to the car to get it and we could fall asleep reading them the way we like to do."

Casey sighs again. "That sounds beautiful, Alex. But I'm so comfy; don't you dare move. Let's get some sleep and tomorrow we'll check this place out; I'm dying to know what's upstairs."

Neither of us moves the rest of the night. We don't even bother changing out of our clothes. We just lay there against each other and let sleep claim us, excited for the relaxing weekend ahead.

* * *

><p>The next morning we sleep until after nine AM. I woke before Casey and I lay there watching her sleep, admiring how angelic she looked with her red hair silhouetted against the white pillow and the sunlight from the window hitting it just right.<p>

We both made a simple breakfast - toast and eggs - and then went about exploring the cabin after we each showered. Turns out there are two bedrooms upstairs and a sliding glass door that opens up to a balcony on the back of the cabin overlooking the lake. The balcony is fully loaded with a round table and outdoor furniture.

Casey loves the grill. I know nothing about them and it looks like a regular grill to me, but Casey says she'll be "grilling in style" for the next couple of days.

The forecast for this weekend calls for warm weather and no rain, which is perfect since Casey is dying to take that kayak out. And it's just a matter of time before she mentions getting a boat or a wave runner so that dock and boathouse doesn't go to waste.

After a short walk around the property, we relax on the deck with tall glasses of Diet Pepsi. "What do you want to do today?" Casey asks. "Besides enjoy not worrying about something coming up at work? No internet here so we don't have to be bothered with email…it's heaven, Alex."

"We can still check our email using our phone data connections," I point out, trying to be serious. "You know, if you were so inclined."

Casey makes a face at me. "No way. I am not even turning my phone on. We agreed no work; so _no work_. I have no other reason to check my email. I only use it for work. My phone is staying in my purse until Monday night."

I wish I had that much restraint, but I don't. I plan to stick with our no-work agreement, but I do have my phone lying on the table in front of me. With my job, I do have to be reachable in case of an emergency. I pick it up and open my camera app, pointing the camera lens at Casey. "Well we need mine for photos. You're just too cute to not take photos off." Before she can object, I snap her picture.

Casey reaches out and lowers my hand, making me put my phone down. "Nice. Maybe I'll give you something to _really _take a photo of later…"

That puts a grin on my face and I quickly say, "I'll save the battery."

Somehow we end up agreeing to take the kayak out. Actually, I know how it happens; Casey suggests it and I want to please her, so I go along with it. Casey has this great idea that we should change into our swimsuits; you know, in case of an "accident" on the lake.

"That water is probably freezing; it's not even June," I yell out from behind the closed bathroom door. I have a new swimsuit that Casey hasn't seen yet so I told her she had change separately from me so she'd be surprised when she saw it.

Casey must be right outside the door, because she yells back. "Stop being a wuss. It's fine. And we won't have to go in as long as we use the kayak properly and there are no…mishaps."

There's something about the way she says 'mishaps'; I can almost _hear _a sly smile in her voice and I can't help but wonder what she's up to.

I emerge from the bathroom to find Casey leaning against the wall looking at me, her long hair pulled back and wearing a very skimpy blue flowery two-piece swimsuit that very much flatters her. My eyes immoderately go to her body and I have a hard time peeling them away. She looks great; stunning, actually.

Casey smiles and approaches me, gently touching my arm to snap me out of my trance. She looks me up and down and seems to like my pink bikini. "You look _really _hot, Alex. Wow."

"So do you," I can barely utter. I reach behind her head and flick her ponytail and snap the strap of her top piece. "_Very _cute suit on a super cute girl."

"Aw, thanks, babe; of course I look nowhere as cute as you, but I'll take your word for it." Casey lets her eyes wander to my bare feet. "Didn't you bring any flip-flops or water shoes?"

I frown. "Water shoes? Seriously? I don't own any water shoes. And no, I didn't bring flip-flops. I guess I forgot."

Casey shakes her head, like this is the worst crime ever committed. She holds up her finger, signaling me to wait as she disappears into the bedroom and comes back out a few moments later holding two pairs of water shoes; one pair solid black and the other pain green and black.

She hands me the back pair. "I come prepared."

I look at the shoes as if they will bite me and raise my eyes to her. "Um, why do you have two pairs of water shoes? Actually, why do you have _any_? What the heck is the point of water shoes? You aren't supposed to wear shoes in the water."

Casey already has the other pain and regards me an amused grin. "Alex, put the damn shoes on. It's very sunny today and we'll be on the lake right out in the open with the sun beating down on us. The bottom of the kayak will be hot and you will burn the bottom your cute little feet if you don't put them on." To illustrate her point, she covers my right foot with hers. "Those little feet are too cute to get burned."

I roll my eyes at her and finally put the shoes on. They are flimsy and offer no support but I keep my mouth shut as I follow her out of the cabin and out onto the deck, being mindful to shut the slider behind us so no bugs or unwanted animals get inside.

We start to make the trek across the sand to the shore of the lake when I suddenly remember something and stop dead in my tracks. "Casey! Did you remember sunscreen?"

Casey turns around and looks at me innocently. "Opps. No, I didn't. I guess we'll be rubbing Aloe on each other tonight."

Normally I'd object to spending any time in the sun without sunscreen as I burn very easily, but thinking about letting Casey rub Aloe on me doesn't sound all that bad…besides, we can make a trip into town tonight before dinner and pick some up for tomorrow. One day in the sun without protection isn't going to kill me.

Casey reaches the blue and white kayak before me and starts to drag it towards the shore. It looks really heavy but she drags it with such ease that I stand there in the sand and watch in amusement. She stops when it's half in water and looks up at me. "This is a nice one. Glad it's a two-person kayak."

I notice she's standing in the water - and not screaming that it's cold. "Is the water cold?"

She shakes her head. "It's not bad. Come one - you have to help me submerge it before we can get in. And grab the oar over there." She points to the oar lying in the sand to her left.

I grab the oar and I'm surprised by the weight of it. How the heck do people row with these things? It feels to me like it would kill your shoulders. I hesitate before I step in the water besides Casey - she and I have very different ideas of what 'cold' is.

"Alex! Come on!" Casey bates me, and finally I step into the work, gasping loudly when the coldness hits me. It's _freezing_!

"Jesus, Casey, you said it wasn't cold!"

"We only need to be in it for a few minutes until we get in the kayak; you'll survive. It's not like we're swimming in it." Casey takes the oar from me and tosses it in the kayak. "Come on; just a few feet out."

I follow Casey helping her drag the kayak until we're knee-deep, grumbling the whole way. We stop abruptly and Casey gets into the kayak first, and then holds out her hands to me. "Come on, princess, your chariot awaits."

I take both of her hands and she helps me step in, very unsteadily. I don't relax until I sit down on the little seat and Casey turns around to face me, smiling. "There. Was that _so _bad?"

It really wasn't, but I don't want Casey to know that. So I stubbornly say, "Yes. And I hope you don't expect me to row with that huge heavy oar."

"Nope," Casey says, not missing a beat as she picks up the oar and starts paddling. "I've done this before." She glances at me over her shoulder and adds, "Plus I'm stronger. You can massage my sore shoulders later. After you apply the Aloe, of course."

I don't argue with her. She _is _stronger and I have no objection to massaging her shoulders tonight.

Casey is pretty good at rowing. She's acting as if it's no trouble at all. I'd be out of breath and struggling. She even manages to talk while she's rowing. "Isn't it beautiful out here?"

I look around at the lake and realize it really is. The sunlight is casting off the water, causing it to shimmer beautifully. The temperature is just right; not blistering hot but not cold at all either. And the kayak is sliding cleanly over the water, causing very small ripples behind us.

"Yes," I finally answer, "It _is _pretty out here." I'm looking at Casey's back and I can't help but add, "And the driver is pretty to look at too. Even from this vantage point."

Casey turns around and smiles at me. "Really, Alex? You're checking me out, even here in the middle of the lake?"

"I can't help myself. There _is_ no wrong place to check you out."

With that simple statement, Casey stops rowing. She rests the oar on the hooks in front of the kayak and spins around so she's facing me. A devilish grin has broken out across her face and I raise my eyebrows as I come to realize what her intentions are.

"I've never fooled around in a kayak before. Are you feeling adventurous?"

Normally I'd say no. Going at it in a floating alumnium kayak in the middle of the lake is a little out of my comfort zone. But this is Casey, this is a special weekend, and I realize I _am _feeling adventurous. So I simply nod at Casey and slide closer to her until I'm practically sitting in her lap.

Casey takes the lead, planting kisses down my neck and causing me to moan until she slides her hand down my bikini top and touches me just right. My body instinctively jerks at the sexy touch and I let out another moan. "God, Casey, just take me down!"

Casey is doing a better job of controlling herself. I'm touching her everywhere now, but she holds back from me and cautions, "We can't go all the way out here; we'll lose our balance and tip over. But I appreciate that you're willing to do so."

I actually find myself disappointed, but I stop and settle for enjoying the feel of Casey's touch and touching her where she likes it. Once we've stopped the hands-on exploration of each other's bodies, we sit there face-to-face, attached at the lips with our tongues fighting for dominance. Casey is wearing strawberry lip-gloss; I can taste it.

After several minutes, we end our hot kayak make-out session. Casey picks up my hand and holds it in her lap, grinning from ear-to-ear. "Wasn't that nice? Isn't it fun to be spontaneous? We'll finish what we started tonight."

I agree whole-heartedly. "You're amazing, Casey. I have experienced so much because of you. I can't thank you enough. I love you."

She's turned around and picked up the oar again, but she turns around one more time and gives me another smile. "You're welcome; and just think - we are _just _starting our lives together. There is still so much more for you to experience."

I honestly can't wait.

We paddle around for a little while longer. Casey gets tired after a while and takes a rest from her rowing, and I use that opportunity to massage the tightness out of her shoulders. She seems to enjoy it; she leans into me and I go at her pretty hard until she tells me she feels she has loosened up and is ready to continue.

We've turned around and are heading back to the shore when I ask, "Have you ever tipped over in one of these before? Is it dangerous?"

"Yes, I have. Just fooling around. If you know how to swim, you're fine. You can't really get hurt on the water."

"We should have put lifejackets on; I didn't even think about that."

Casey turns around and looks at me again. "We can both swim and the lake isn't deep here. We'll be okay. We won't tip over."

And then an idea pops into my head. A crazy, insane idea. An idea that the pre-Casey Alex would _never _have come up with.

I notice we're very close to the shore. Less than twenty feet I'd estimate. And that water is freezing; but it wouldn't be that bad to be in for just a short period of time, right?

Casey said I have to experience things. Well, I've never done what I'm about to do before. This is a first.

A smile breaks out as I stand up unsteadily in the kayak. My heart is pounding a million beats per second. This is crazy, insane, reckless. This is something Casey would do, not me.

Casey slowly realizes that I've stood up. She turns around, her mouth open in disbelief. "Alex - what are you - "

She doesn't get a chance to finish her question. With a few strong shakes, I tip us over.

Hitting the freezing cold water is a huge shock to my system. I go under and as soon as I break the surface, I'm gasping and shaking. It's colder than I expected. Casey comes up a few feet from me, gasping at the sudden coldness as well. She locks her eyes directly on me and demands, "Was that on purpose?"

I nod, and suddenly, despite the freezing water and our chattering teeth, we both bust out laughing. It's so funny; here we are treading water just feet from the shore, the kayak floating upside down beside us and the oar floating a few feet away. We're drenched and cold and miserable yet we can't stop laughing.

It takes both of us to overturn the kayak so it's floating properly and Casey grabs the oar as we drag the kayak back to the shore. As soon as it's resting on the sand, we fall onto our knees in the sand, laughing again and shaking even more.

"I can't believe you, Alex!" Casey says, running her hands up and down her arms to try and warm herself. "Look at us! That water is so cold we're bright red. You're going to pay for that…"

I can't wait to get back to the warmth of the cabin now. I remember we put towels in our trunk and I intend to grab them before we head inside. We're both hugging ourselves and making our way across the sandy beach…when I notice something troubling.

From the way I am hugging myself, I can feel something slimy on the back of my shoulder. At first I thing I have a piece of seaweed stuck to me, until I realize I can't brush it off. I stop walking and grab the object and pull it straight off. And when I see what it is, I start screaming.

Casey literally spins around with a horrified look on her face. "Alex! What's wrong!"

"Leeches!" I yell, hurling the unwanted cling-on to the ground. I desperately start feeling around my back for any more and I'm horrified when I do feel more slimly pests stuck to my back. I'm freaking out, hopping around the sand, not able to get a good enough hold to get them off.

Casey immediately comes to my rescue, not able to hide her laughter. "Alex, calm down; stay still. I'll get them off. Stop hopping around."

I want them off _now_; I can't feel them sucking my blood but I know they're doing so. And who knows what kind of parasite I could pick up from them?

"Get them off, Casey! Please!" I shout desperately as she gets behind me and works quickly to free me from the clutches of the evil leeches. As soon as she says she got them all, I start checking the rest of my body and slowly calm down when I don't find any more.

"There's not that much blood; they didn't get a good meal. Don't worry," Casey says, placing her hand on my shoulder. I look into her warm green eyes and I'm finally able to calm down. "You're okay, Alex. They're just leeches. My brother and I used to get them all the time when we swam in a pond by our house as kids. Our parents told us not to swim there because of them, but we always did. We'd have to peel them off each other after every swim."

I'm appalled - why would they subject themselves to that willingly? Having a leech attached to you is gross and uncomfortable. "Did you ever get sick from them?" I ask with alarm.

"No. I don't think you can. And I'm actually surprised they're out; I would think the water would be too cold for them." Casey does a quick spin-around in front of me. "Do I have any?"

I don't see a single one on her. "No. I guess they liked me more."

Casey drapes her arm around my shoulder as we go to my car and retrieve the towels. We're both trembling from cold but Casey treats me as if I just fell through the ice in the middle of winter. She takes the larger of the two towels and wraps it around me, pulling it tightly so I'll stay covered up. "There," she says with a smile, pleased with her work. "Let should warm you up quickly."

"You're freezing too," I tell her, watching her wrap the other towel around herself. I would help but my hands are up wrapped up in my towel. "I'm sorry I did that; it was my fault. Now we'll both catch pneumonia and die."

"It's not cold enough for that, and don't worry about it. Don't I always tell you that it's fun to be spontaneous? I'm glad you're finally getting with the program."

We waste no time getting inside and Casey insists on running us a hot shower. It will warm us quickly, plus I can't wait to get the lake water off me. It's not exactly clean. And I still feel icky from those leeches.

"Wait until I tell everyone that I had to have my fiancée rescue me from a leech attack. I'll be the laughingstock of New York."

"Yes you will," Casey agrees with a grin. "You were the damsel in distress and I was your Casey to the rescue. But don't sweat it; leeches are pretty gross. You're not the first person to freak out."

"I think I overreacted just a little…"

"Maybe a little. But that's okay. I expected nothing less; you're my Alex, after all. I know how proper and prissy you are. I think you acted very well, considering." She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek before going back to tend to the shower.

I'm standing next to the shower with the towel still wrapped me around me, watching Casey get our shower water just perfect. She keeps testing it until it's a satisfactory temperature for her. Then she stands up and reaches back for my hand. "Come on, baby. Take your suit off and let's warm you up and I'll check and see if you'll have bruises from those monsters."

And I think about how incredible this is. We're wet and cold and I got leeches on me because of _my _stupid stunt, and here is Casey just as wet and cold as I am, yet she is doing everything in her power to make _me _comfortable.

I'm allowing myself to get choked up as I drop my towel and quickly remove my suit. Then I take Casey's hand and she helps me step into the shower, but doesn't get in herself. She gives me a smile and goes to close the shower door when I grab her wrist and stop her.

"You need to warm up too," I tell her. I don't even wait for her to remove her suit. I grab her arm and literally pull her into the shower and position her behind me. Seconds later I hear her wet two piece hit the floor, and she tosses it out of the shower onto the towel on the floor.

We've never showered together before. I'm not sure why exactly, but we never have. It's one of the most intimate things you can do with your significant other.

Casey holds both of my arms from behind and I hear her gasp. "Oh no, Alex! Those leeches got you good…it's still bleeding…"

My hand immediately goes to my back in a blind panic. I don't feel any pain or see blood in the water; how can I be bleeding? I desperately feel around for a wound and only stop when I hear Casey laughing.

I turn around to face her and she says one word, "Gotcha."

I smack her wet shoulder lightly. "Casey!"

"You deserve it for tipping us over like that." She releases my arms and I feel her moving around behind me. "Hand me the soap. You're such a dirty girl; I need to clean you up."

I hand her the bar of soap and as she lathers up my back and scrubs me, I go about shampooing my hair. I'm already warmed up but I don't think it has anything to do with the hot water. I think it's because of Casey's soft and tender touch on my skin.

Once Casey has scrubbed my back and I've let the shampoo and conditioner do its job, I turn around and rinse myself off under the showerhead. Casey stands in the back of the shower and watches me with a smile, patiently waiting for her turn to get clean.

I step aside so my beautiful fiancée can have her turn under the showerhead. She rinses her hair out and shampoos while I wash her back and arms much like she did for me. I love touching her like this. It gives me goosebumps and makes my hair stand on end.

After I soap her up, I start massaging her shoulders again and she moans from that gesture. "Oh, that feels _so good_. My shoulders are so sore."

"I'm sorry, hon. If you want to go out on the kayak again tomorrow, I'll row us. And I promise not to tip us over this time."

Casey spins around to face me, her hair all lathered up with shampoo. She puts one arm around my waist and pulls me towards her. "You're adorable, but I don't think you'd be able to row. I'll let you try though, if you want. I'll be there to rescue us if you screw up." She pulls me tighter and her bare chest presses against mine, causing those goosebumps to spring to life again.

"You'll always be there to rescue me, won't you?" I ask as Casey holds me to her chest. The shampoo is washing down on me, but I don't care. It's worth it to be close to Casey like this.

I get a wet sloppy kiss for that statement. "Of course, baby. Always. I'll protect you from leeches and other monsters of the world. You have my personal guarantee." She gives my hand a squeeze and turns back around to rinse her hair.

As I watch the soapy water go down the drain, any fears I ever had about monsters of the world and not being good at marriage goes right with it.

**So what do you think? I wanted a cute, drama-free chapter for the ladies for a change. Next chapter will be more of the weekend...and something else. Casey really gets into her job. How do you think that's going to affect them? And as the wedding approaches, what do you think will happen? Will everything go smoothly? Please review and tell me what you think!**


	37. Chapter 37

**Here's a quick update for you all! I was really inspired for this one :) Thanks to my loyal readers/reviewers for staying with me, and a special thanks to my friend Tracer0403 for always having insightful input on the story :) Enjoy this one!**

Things get back to normal after my unfortunate leech attack. Casey and I both feel very refreshed after our shower and we take longer than is necessary getting dressed. We couldn't help it. It takes two hands to dress yourself and our hands were…otherwise occupied.

I don't know what's come over me. I nearly can't control these urges to constantly touch Casey and want her hands on me. She's like a drug and I'm hopelessly addicted. I remember touching Olivia and enjoying her touching me, but it was never a constant desire like it is for me right now with Casey. Maybe it's because our wedding is approaching…or maybe this is what it's like to _really _be in love.

We kill the rest of the afternoon with a short stroll around the property before we return to the deck and Casey decides to fire up the grill. I grudgingly help her bring out the charcoal and prepare the deck table for our "carnivorous feast", as Casey calls it.

"What do you think?" Casey asks as she comes out the slider door carrying the paper plates and plastic spoons and forks. She sits them down on the table and holds her arms up so I can see what it is she wants me to admire.

She's wearing a long white apron that says "Kiss the Cook" across the front. She must have slipped it into our cart at Wal-Mart, unbeknownst to me. Probably when I wandered away from her because she was taking too long to pick out the appropriate charcoal.

I approach her, giving her a smile and a small laugh. "Cute, Casey. But technically you aren't a 'cook' – you're grilling. You're slapping raw meat and hot dogs on a grill and putting them in buns. Even though it's more than I can do, it still isn't cooking."

Casey's face falls and she looks down at the apron. "Good point." She looks back up at me with that pleading puppy-dog look that always makes me give in. "So I don't get a kiss?"

My smile grows wider and I lock my arms behind her neck and give her the kiss she desperately wants. When it ends, I press my nose against hers and whisper, "You're _way _too spoiled." Then I can't resist reaching behind her and smacking her butt. "Now go slap that raw meat on the grill."

Casey walks away from me towards the grill, erupting in a fit of laugher. I can't figure out what's so funny about what I just said until she turns around and I see she's laughing so hard she's nearly crying and she manages to say, "Sorry to disappoint you, Alex, but I don't have one of those."

My face grows crimson red as I realize what she's talking about and what a poor choice of words I used. "Casey! You're so nasty! That's it. The wedding is off."

She laughs again as she starts forming the hamburger into patties and putting it on the grill. "Sorry. You kind of set me up for that one."

That's true; I did. So I save myself further embarrassment and keep my mouth shut while she attends to the meat and I get the plates and plastic cups all situated on the table. I have to go back inside to fetch the bottles of Mountain Dew and Diet Pepsi, and as soon as I come back out, Casey calls me over to her.

I expect some sort of sarcastic comment about the sizzling, popping meat on the grill in front of her, but instead Casey asks me, in a dead-serious expression, to get her cell phone from the bedroom because she needs to check it.

I do as she requests, but I'm not happy about it. Why does she feel the need to check her phone? She had told me it was staying off until Monday night. I've been checking mine because I _have _to…but would Casey needs hers for?

I bring it out and hand it to her and instead of checking it, Casey just slides it into the pocket on her apron and points to the table with a grin. I give her odd look and she says, "I'm pointing to the table. That means _go there_."

Again I do what she says, and as soon as I approach, I see a small stack of envelopes on the table with a red bow on them. I immediately know what I'm looking at and my eyes fill with tears as Casey comes up beside me and places her arm around my shoulders.

"You're still writing me letters?" I ask in disbelief, emotion dripping from my voice. This is so touching. No one has ever done anything like this for me before.

"Of course. I'll write you a letter every week forever. These are from the past month. And there's enough room in the book for them. When it's full, I'll get another book." She squeezes my shoulder as I pick up the bundle. "Don't read them now; I'll read them to you tonight. I just wanted to give them to you now."

Suddenly I realize why she wanted her phone, and I rest my head against her shoulder and sigh. "Getting your phone was a ploy, wasn't it? You wanted me inside so you could put these on the table."

I receive a kiss on the top of my head. "But of course, my dear. Now go put them inside while I go back to 'cooking'. I don't want to burn our meat now, do I?"

She's laughing at her own lame joke as she walks away and I toss over my shoulder, "I'm glad you crack yourself up."

Casey's response is, "Alex, honey, you make it so easy!"

I take the stack of letters inside and tuck them into our book, which I've placed on top of the dresser. I run my thumb over the cover, smiling as I think about what's inside. I can't believe Casey has done this for me. She is the sweetest girl in the world…and she's mine. I'm so lucky.

I know I have to do something special for her too, before the weekend is over. I have to show her that I love her just as much as she loves me and that I'm capable of being sweet and thoughtful too. I don't know what I'm going to do yet; but I'll think of something.

When I go back outside, Casey announces that the burgers are almost done and asks me how many hot dogs I want.

"If I'm having a burger, I don't want a hot too. I don't even _like _hot dogs," I tell her.

Casey shrugs. "Suit yourself. I'm having one of each. This is a holiday weekend, after all. Might as well splurge. Get the condiments and chips ready, will you? Make yourself useful instead of just standing there looking pretty."

I arrange the mustard, ketchup and pickle relish on the table and wrinkle my nose in disgust when I pull a jar of sauerkraut out of one of the bags. I quickly put it down as if it's radioactive and look at Casey. "Sauerkraut? Why?"

Casey doesn't even look up. "For the hot dogs."

I _hate _sauerkraut; everything about it repulses me. I hate it as much as Casey hates seafood. The texture, the smell, the taste. It's the vilest food ever invented and had I known Casey bought it, I would have made it disappear before it even entered the bag.

A few minutes later Casey carries over a plate containing four burger patties and sits them down on the table. They're juicy and still sizzling and…okay, I admit it; they look _good_.

"Two each; one for now, one for later. I have the dogs on now in case you change your mind about them." Casey is just about to turn and go back to the grill, when she catches my unpleasant impression. "What's wrong?"

I nod at the sauerkraut. "I can't believe you got that! Disgusting!"

Casey laughs and picks up the jar. "If it disgusts you that much, I'll put it in the fridge and won't even open it."

She changes her direction and starts for the slider door, but I grab her arm to stop her. I do hate the stuff, but Casey likes it. It's not fair to make her put it away when she wants to eat it. So I offer her my best apologetic smile and say, "It can stay out here. Just put the top on it when you aren't using it.

Casey gives me a peck on the cheek before she goes back to the grill. "Will do, babe – love you."

I tell her that she's lucky I love her too and then I quickly make a burger for each of us. I know Casey likes both mustard and ketchup so I load hers up. I pop the top off the Tupperware container of onion I diced up earlier and put some of that on Casey's burger too. She doesn't like tomato or cheese on her burger so I skip both of those on hers, but I do use them on mine. I like everything except onion and mustard. Then I rip open the bag of nacho cheese Doritos and put a handful on each of our plates.

I even do the liberty of getting Casey a glass with a lot of ice and pouring her Mountain Dew for her. By the time her hot dogs are done and she's back at the table, everything is set and we're ready to eat.

Casey seems impressed as she sits down and goes to work dressing her hot dog. She's considerate enough to open the sauerkraut jar away from me and to replace the top right away. She loads her hot dog up with sauerkraut, pickle relish and ketchup and then puts it on her plate next to her burger.

I can't help but laugh. "That's a lot of food, Casey. I can't believe you can eat like that and still stay so damn skinny. It's not fair."

She has already taken a bite of her burger and has to swallow before she can answer me. "I don't eat like this all the time. And I exercise a lot."

"You're always eating. I envy you. I exercise a lot too, but I can't eat like you. I gain weight way too quickly. You're lucky."

"Really, Alex, I'm not that skinny. And you don't have to stay so skinny for my sake; I'd love you no matter what you looked like." She reaches across the table and slaps one of hot dogs on my plate. "Eat that too. Live a little."

"I'm okay with my burger." To prove I'm human like Casey, I take a big bite. And it tastes as good as it looks. I don't eat this type of food often so when I do so, it tastes way better than it should.

"It's probably crazy – in fact, I _know _it's crazy – but I have never been insecure about what I look like. Yes I may bitch and moan that I don't look perfect in a dress and I think my butt is big, but when it comes down to it, I don't care. I don't place much importance on how someone looks. I may be insecure in every other way, but not in the looks department. I know I'm not beautiful and I never will be, so I work with what I have." Casey takes a drink of her Mountain Dew and then continues. "I know you care about staying super trim, but know that you don't have to do it for me. I'll love you even if you weigh five hundred pounds."

I'm in disbelief that Casey just said that. She's not beautiful? What planet has she been living on?

"What do you mean you're not beautiful? Have you looked in anything reflective lately? You're gorgeous, Casey. What is it exactly that you don't think is beautiful?"

What she says next surprises me. "I hate my red hair."

Okay, _now _I'm in extreme disbelief. That is…unacceptable. Casey's red hair is adorable! "I love your red hair! Being a real, true redhead is unique. And you have the perfect green eyes to go along with it."

After another bite, Casey smiles and says, "Well, thanks. But I've always hated it. Did you know I went blonde for a while?"

I gasp. "You didn't?"

Casey is laughing now. "I never told you?" I shake my head, and she goes on. "Wow. I thought I did. Anyway, yeah, I decided to go blonde. For about a year or so. It was a few years back; probably four years ago or so."

I can't picture Casey as a blonde. Maybe brown hair or black hair, but a blonde? No way. It doesn't fit her at all. I'm struggling to put the image in my head, but I just can't.

"I never knew that. Why did you go back to red?"

"I just decided it wasn't me. It didn't look good on me." She goes for some of her chips this time and then adds, with a small smile, "And my mom hated it."

Whenever Casey mentions her mom, she gets this sad look on her face that's just heartbreaking. I can't stand it; it takes my heart and squeezes it until it's devoid of blood.

So I start to talk, to distract her from her thoughts. "Well, I'm glad you changed it back. You are the cutest redhead in the world. I absolutely love your hair; although you already know that. Do you have any pictures from around that time? Now my morbid curiosity really wants to see…"

"I might have a few. I'll see what I can find for you," Casey promises, giving me a wink.

We eat in silence for the next few minutes until I breech it with, "You really are beautiful, Casey. And I'm glad you don't fuss over what you eat. You don't need to. I probably worry about it too much, but I've always been that way. Staying thin is important to me. So don't worry – I won't ever weigh five hundred pounds. But it's nice to know you'd still love me if I did."

Casey gives me her classic smile. "Yes, I would. I'd love you no matter what. But you wouldn't love me as a blonde, so don't even echo my sentiment."

It's my turn to laugh. "I'm sure it wasn't _that _bad…"

"It was. Just you wait until I dig up some photos."

I really can't wait.

* * *

><p>We stay up pretty late that night. Casey took her time rubbing Aloe on me; I didn't get burned that badly but I wanted to take the opportunity to have Casey massage me and I think she wanted to do it just as badly. And when she finished, I massaged her sore shoulders for about forty minutes.<p>

We fell asleep while reading the letters. It's funny, I had made such a big fuss about there being a TV in the bedroom, but we haven't used it at all yet. Just having each other and that book is entertainment enough.

I'm awakened from my slumber at a little after three AM by some noises outside the bedroom window. I immediately sit up, on full alert. The room is completely dark; the only light coming from the moon outside. And it's so cold in the room. Casey left the window open when we went to bed. I had asked her to close it, but I guess she forgot. It's too early in the season to be leaving a window open all night.

But because it's open, I can hear what's happening outside. And I hear it again; the sound of movement. Rustling and a clanging noise followed by a creek, like the sound of someone walking on the deck.

My heart nearly stops and awful scenarios fill my head. We're out here alone in a secluded cabin with no weapons. No security system, no guard dog. The only way to call out is our cell phones. If someone were to break in and want to do unimaginable things to us, we'd be easy targets.

I hear the creak again and I shake Casey awake, trying to remain calm and not panic. "Casey. Casey, wake up."

She groans and wakes very slowly, sitting up when she sees me doing so. I can see her rub her eyes, and then she says, with her voice still thick with sleep, "What's going on? Are you okay?"

"I heard noises outside. Like someone walking around on the deck. And some sort of clanging noise, like something metal. Maybe the gate or the grill," I rush out, desperately trying to keep the edge out of my voice.

Casey utters, "What?" and then reaches over to switch on the lamp by the bed. She's squinting in the sudden light and appears to be listening carefully. After a few seconds she says, "I don't hear anything, Alex. I'm sure there's no one outside."

"I heard it – it woke me up out of a dead sleep," I tell her, feeling slight panic rising up inside me.

Casey sighs and looks at the open window. "There are a lot of noises out here at night. You haven't spent a lot of time outdoors. In secluded places like this, you hear noises at all hours of the night. Animals, the wind…I'm sure it was nothing."

Just as she finishes speaking, the clanging sound can be heard again, and this time Casey looks unsettled. She waits for the noise to finish and then she gets out of bed. "I'm going to go see what it is – stay here."

There's no way I'm letting her go face whatever is outside alone. I may not have the courage Casey has, but I love her and don't want anyone to hurt her. I get out of bed as well and grab my phone, clutching it tightly. "I'm coming too. Should I call the police?"

"Not yet," Casey says, keeping her voice low as we make our way out of the bedroom. We make our way down the hallway slowly and carefully, listening for any sound that may mean someone is in the cabin.

I reach for the light switch to turn the hallway light on, but Casey stops me. "Don't turn the light on. Do you have a flashlight app on your phone?"

I give the phone to Casey and she turns on the flashlight app, causing the entire touch screen to glow. It's pretty bright; I've never had to use it before, but it casts enough light to be able to see a ways ahead of us.

We're making our way through the living room and about to reach the slider door. Nothing looks out of place here and the slider door is still closed and I assume locked. But I still can't help but feel nervous as Casey flicks the locks and goes to open it. I grab her arm and hold onto her like my life depends on it, and she whispers to me, "Stay behind me."

Then she opens the door, and I hold my breath, just waiting for a gun to be pointed at us or to be grabbed and dragged towards a waiting vehicle.

We left the deck lights on, so we can actually see out here. And there appears to be no one.

And there's a loud crash to our right in the direction of the grill and Casey immediately looks in that direction and I squeeze her arm tighter, trying to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest. I can see movement towards the bottom of the grill and when Casey shines the phone light there to get a better look, I feel myself relax.

"It's a raccoon," Casey says with a relieved laugh as the intruder scampers off towards the woods. I let go of her arm feeling utterly stupid, and she approaches the grill. "I forgot to lock the top down on it. He must have smelled the bits of meat stuck to the grate." She looks off in the direction the raccoon ran and motions for me to step up beside her. "Look – there's more. See the shining eyes in the line of trees over there? It looks like at least three. Probably a family."

A raccoon was making all that noise. Not a rapist or a murderer bent on destroying us; a dumb little animal with a mask like Casey's ferret. Boy do I feel foolish…and cowardly.

Casey turns to face me and smoothes my hair back. "It's okay. They're pretty rampant in these parts. I'll close the grill and they shouldn't bother us again. Let's go back to bed."

"I'm sorry, Casey," I tell her. "I overreacted – again." I laugh uncomfortably. "I guess I'm not made for the outdoors! I'm too much of a city girl."

"You'll get used to it," she tells me. "And truthfully, I was scared too when I heard that clanging sound. I think it was the top of the grill hitting against the bottom when our little friend was picking off meat."

Casey may have been scared, but she took charge and protected me. She told me to stay behind her and put herself out in the open to keep me safe. Just as she had promised she would do.

"Casey…you protected me…" I point out, allowing my eyes to well up with tears again. Everything about Casey is so touching and sweet that I swear I'm going to become an expert at shedding tears before we're married.

Casey smiles again and touches my cheek, causing me to melt into her touch like I always do. "I said I would keep you safe from all the monsters of the world, didn't I? That includes raccoons."

We walk back into the cabin with our arms around each other and once we're safely inside with the slider closed, Casey says, "It may not be a bad idea to get a security system put it, just for peace of mind. Especially when we're not here."

Yes, good idea. You never know when those big bad raccoons are going to decide when to attack.

* * *

><p>The weekend goes by way too quickly and before we know it, it becomes Sunday night, our last night at the cabin. We're driving back to the city tomorrow. Back to paperwork and ringing phones and computers. Back to the stupidity of humanity.<p>

But tonight, it's just me and Casey.

It's just started to get dark and Casey and I are sitting on the deck, enjoying the warm evening air and each other's company. We're exhausted from another long day of walking, kayaking and grilling. We both got burnt pretty badly today; we never did make it back to Wal-Mart for sunscreen. But I guess that's a small price to pay for a great day together.

I've decided that I'm going to make tonight special for my Casey. She deserves nothing less after having to put up with my hysterics over the leeches and the raccoons. I was waiting until dark to make my move. Now is just about perfect.

I get up from my chair and tell Casey I'll be right back and I'm thankful when she doesn't follow me. She's probably too tired to even get up out of her chair. I collect both of our towels and fetch the small bottle of Aloe from the bedroom. It's funny; I remembered to bring the Aloe, but not sunscreen. Go figure.

Once I'm back out on the deck and Casey sees what I'm carrying, she frowns in confusion and raises her eyebrows. "What are you up to?"

I walk right by her off the deck and motion for her to follow. "Come on. It's a lovely night. Let's not sit on the deck all evening. There's a lovely spot on our little beach calling our names, and I have towels. Come."

Casey groans and whines, "I'm tired. Can't we just sit here and stargaze?"

I turn around and march right up to her, stopping in front of her chair. She's looking at me in amusement, and I drape the towels over my arm and offer her my hand. "Come on, precious. I want to sit on the beach. Are you going to make me sit there alone?"

Casey easily gives in and allows me to pull her to her feet. "I guess not. But only because you called me 'precious'."

I lay the towels out side by side and sit Casey down on hers first. Once she's seated, I stand over her and instruct her to remove her shirt.

"Why?" Casey asks, a hint of adventure in her voice. She likes my suggestion, even though she's trying to hide that fact.

"Don't argue with me; just do it," I tell her with a laugh. "Jeez, I miss when I used to be your supervisor and I'd tell you to do something and you'd do it."

Casey quickly pulls off her shirt and I smile when I see she isn't wearing a bra. "I still do what you tell me…I just like to challenge your authority every now and then."

"Not wearing a bra…naughty, naughty Casey."

"The straps hurt my poor sunburned shoulders." Casey looks up at me. "You don't seem to mind. Are you going to sit down or what?"

"No," I tell her, and without warning I push her down on her stomach and kneel next to her. It doesn't take her long to figure out what I'm doing, and she relaxes while I uncap the bottle of Aloe and squeeze a large drop into my palm. I spread it around on my hands and start to apply it evenly over Casey's back and then her shoulders.

"Ohhh," Casey says, moaning into the towel. "That's nice and cool. Feels _so good_."

I smile, happy that she's getting so much pleasure out of this. "Is it the coolness or me that feels good?"

"I think it's both," Casey says, and she groans in disappointment when I stop rubbing her. "Don't stop!"

"Relax, I just had to squeeze out more. It's too dark to see how badly you're burnt, but I'm applying it everywhere just in case. I assume you have objections to that?"

Casey shakes her head. "By all means - rub away!"

I go to work on her again and take my time, paying extra attention to her shoulders. I massage them deeply, knowing they are not only burnt but also sore from two days of rowing with an oar.

"Since you're a redhead, I suppose you're going to freckle more from the sun," I say thoughtfully, knowing that Casey hates freckles and it will get a rise out of her.

"Ha, ha, Alex." She raises her head and turns it towards me. "Did you know that natural redheads have a higher pain tolerance than the rest of you?"

"The 'rest of us'?" I echo in disbelief with a laugh. "What, are we a different species? And that's bull, Casey. Where the heck did you hear that?"

"In a science magazine a few years back. There was an article by a geneticist from England about us special gingers. He actually called the gene that causes red hair a 'mutant' gene, and said it affects how redheads react to pain. We're able to withstand more pain than you normal people."

It sounds like science fiction to me, but I decide to humor Casey. "Really? Hmm. So you're my own special little mutant, huh?" I lean down and kiss the back of her neck, causing her to moan again.

"Yes. I'm one of the X-Men," Casey answers.

I put my hands on Casey's back and hold her down. She's exactly where I want her right now and I'm going to make sure she doesn't move.

"See, I told you that you shouldn't hate your red hair. Apparently it's the source of your powers. What are your mutant powers, anyway? Mind reading? Shape-shifting?" I release Casey just long enough to tear off my own shirt and bra, and then I lower myself down right next to her and before she can say anything, I grab her and pull her close to me. She's sticky from the Aloe but that doesn't stop me from holding her.

Casey wraps her arms around me in return and rests against my chest. "My mutant powers are being charming. I used them to bewitch you. Worked, didn't it?"

I laugh at that, kissing her neck again. "Mmmhh, I suppose it did. And if what you said is true, how come you were crying like a big baby when you had appendicitis?"

"Alex!" Casey pulls away from me and swats my shoulder playfully. "You said I wasn't a big baby! And it _hurt_. Let's see that happen to you. You said it yourself; you would have been in a ball screaming. And since you're a blonde, I believe that. You don't possess the redhead powers."

I've been bitten by the playful bug. I'm not letting Casey off easily. I sit up and give her a lopsided smile and that tells her I have something up my sleeve.

"Okay, whatever you say," I tell her casually, and then I look away from her and add, under my breath, "Big baby."

"Alex - " I can hear agitation in her voice, which is what I'm going for. I want to push her buttons.

I stand up and look down at her, trying to concoct the right combination of words that will make her upset with me so I can properly make my move. "It's okay; I love you anyway. Even if you are a redheaded freckly big baby."

Casey stands up too. She's getting visibly irritated; she thinks I'm picking at her on purpose. Which of course I am…but for a good reason.

"Your point is made, Alex. Now stop. You know I was embarrassed about how I acted with the appendicitis."

Perfect. She's in just the state of mind I want. I can't hide my grin as I lean towards her and whisper in her ear, "Big baby."

She swats at me again. "I mean it - stop!"

I jump away from her. "You want me to stop? You have to catch me first."

A grin slowly breaks out across Casey's face as she realizes what I'm doing. I run away from her towards the lake, and she follows close behind. "You're going to pay for that teasing session, Cabot."

I'm a few feet ahead of her, but she's catching up fast. And what a sight we must be - two grown woman chasing each other on our small little beach, both topless and giggling like teenagers.

Casey catches me right as I reach the shore. She grabs me from behind and smacks me on the butt, causing me to squeal and laugh at the same time. "There. I spanked you."

I manage to spin around in her arms, and the moon is giving off enough light for me to see the happy playful expression on her face and in her eyes. She's really getting into this. Casey loves play; and I love to please Casey.

A year ago, I wasn't like this. Running around topless and teasing was something I wouldn't do for any price. But now? Now it's as natural as breathing. Casey opened the door for me and I've left it open all this time.

"Spanking is a form of abuse; I'm calling the police when we get back to the cabin," I tell Casey, rubbing my thumb against her jaw line and gazing into those soft expressive green eyes.

"That will look nice in the papers," Casey plays right along. She lowers her voice so it's soft and seductive. "Spank me back and then we both will have a compliant."

"No - I have my own idea."

I quickly pull away from Casey, taking her by the hand and pulling her along with me. I run with her down the shore a few feet - and then I pull her right into the water, letting go just as both of us fall into it.

It's just as cold and awful as before; maybe colder, actually. I can barely breathe as I struggle to stand up, reaching out for Casey's hand as she struggles right beside me. We've both become a snack for leeches again…but I don't care this time.

We both manage to stand and I notice we're only shin-deep in the water. Which is about perfect for what I have planned.

"You are determined to make this water the death of us - I can't believe you!" Casey says, adjusting her drenched shorts and trying not to tremble from the cold water.

I'm partially soaked and cold, but staring at Casey is quickly warming me up from the inside out. She's so shocked and amused at what I just did and I can't resist putting my arms around her again.

"This is nothing compared to you jumping into my parent's pool naked and convincing me to do the same. And I'm trying to be spontaneous, and you know what? You're right - it _is _fun."

Casey hugs me back and as we break apart we rest our foreheads together, both of us shaking and miserable. I'm sure all Casey's Aloe has been rinsed off…it's a shame I'll have to redo it.

Without a word, I take Casey's hand again and walk her out of the water. She's under the impression that we're going to get our towels - but she's wrong. Instead I stop right on the shore. I let go of Casey's hand and I swiftly and expertly remove my capris and panties. Casey follows suit, tossing her wet shorts onto the sand. She's grinning ear-to-ear, obviously completely aware of my plans.

This is one of the craziest things I've ever done. I've just submerged us in freezing water and now I'm leading us in a striptease on the beach. I don't even care if there are leeches making a meal out of me right now.

I ignore how cold I am. What we're about to do will warm us up anyway. Casey sits down in the sand, and I sit next to her. But we're not sitting for long. I push Casey onto her back and lean over her, staring right into her eyes. "I love you, Casey. Thank you for showing me the playful side of life, and making me appreciate it. And you're right; you really _did _bewitch me with those red-head superpowers."

Not another word is exchanged and suddenly we're rolling around in the sand, causing it to cling to our wet bodies. We quickly warm up as we make love right there on the beach, the freezing water lapping at us the entire time. We don't even feel its coldness. All that matters is the two of us and this moment.

Once we've finished, Casey looks up at me with tired and happy eyes, and tucks my hair behind my ear. "This has been the best holiday weekend of my entire life, Alex. I love you too."

And it's safe to say that the feeling is mutual.

* * *

><p>All good things must come to an end and, unfortunately, our weekend at the cabin was not immune to that sad fact of life.<p>

And sadly, the reminder of the week is nothing short of a disaster. It's a majorly busy week for me because of being behind one day behind due to the holiday, and I find myself not able to leave the office until after seven every night.

Casey's job keeps her even busier than I am. She goes directly to Palmer's campaign headquarters every day after work, and I don't see her until well after nine or ten all week. She's mentally and physically exhausted when she comes home and not interested in anything besides going to bed.

It's Thursday now, and I don't think Casey and I have said more than four words to each other face-to-face all week. Our communications have been mostly texts and the small amount of words exchanged before Casey falls asleep at night can't really be considered 'conversation'.

I know I haven't really given Casey's new job responsibilities a chance, but I already don't like them. We have a wedding to finish planning and we need more than an hour together every night. And I know it's just going to get worse as the campaign gets into full-swing. I feel as if I don't even know what's going on in Casey's life this week. She doesn't talk much about her job.

I never got around to talking to her about this issue at the cabin…so I decide to tackle it Thursday night when Casey comes home.

She comes through the door at ten forty-five. I'm sitting on the couch watching the news, and I get up and greet her with a hug and kiss. "Hey, workaholic. I've missed you."

Casey doesn't hug or kiss me back. She utters a "thanks" and quickly goes about taking her shoes off. I can tell by her attitude and tone in her voice that she's upset or angry about something.

"What's going on, Casey? Did you have a bad day?"

Casey sighs and leans against the wall, letting the back of her head hit it. She looks beyond exhausted, like it's an effort to keep her eyes open or hold herself upright.

I can't stand this; I know it may seem controlling or out of line, but I have to ask her to give this campaign job up. It's taking too much out of her. I can't see her like this every night. I just can't.

"Bad doesn't even _begin _to describe it…" Casey says, walking right past me to the couch and collapsing onto it. She sits forward and puts her head in her hands, and I sit beside her and put my hand on her back.

It actually hurts me to see my sweet Casey this upset. I start to rub her back. "Can I get you something, baby? Do you want to talk about it?"

She lifts her head and meets my eyes, smiling a little. "Can you get me an Aspirin? I have a horrible headache."

I immediately pat her knee and go into the kitchen to fetch an Aspirin and glass of water for her. And when I come back to the living room, Casey has her briefcase open and the day's newspaper sitting on the coffee table.

"Did you see the paper today?" Casey asks, swallowing the pill down and nodding towards the paper.

I did. I read it this morning. But I can't recall seeing anything in it that would upset Casey this much…

"Yes. Why? Is there something I should have seen?"

Casey nods and looks away from me. "Uh, yeah. I'm surprised your phone wasn't ringing off the hook today."

What is she talking about? "Casey?" I ask, fully wanting an explanation.

Casey opens the paper to the second page and points to the article about Phil Williams; Senator Palmer's opponent in the U.S. Senate race. "Did you read this?"

"No. I tend to skip over articles about full-of-themselves Republicans."

Casey sighs again and turns to face me. "Okay. You know how Phil Williams is this outspoken critic of same sex marriage?"

"Of course; most Republicans are. And he's a fool to be so vocal about it. This is New York. He doesn't stand a chance in the election."

Casey lets her eyes wander back to the paper. "Well this time he's gone too far. I fully understand that he is entitled to his own opinion; as wrong as it may be. And I've kept my mouth shut, because he has only been exercising his right to free speech. Until he made it personal today." Casey slides the paper over to me and points to a particular paragraph. "Read that little gem."

I let my eyes graze over it. He's railing on about how same sex marriage is destroying the precious sanctity of marriage…and then I see what has Casey so upset. I have to read it twice to make sure I'm not seeing things.

"_Public officials are held to a higher standard than the general public. And as such, should accept that they are a reflection of the people they represent. Their job is to uphold the constitution and the law of the state and this country. That includes protecting the institution of marriage. It troubles me when a high-ranking official such as District Attorney Alexandra Cabot chooses to destroy the very values we've worked hard to protect." _And it goes on to talk about my engagement with my live-in "girlfriend".

After I read that, I look back at Casey. I'm feeling a mixture of emotions; the strongest one anger. How could I not know about this? How did the day come to an end without someone letting me know about this article?

Casey reads my expression and says, "Yeah, that was my reaction too. I went straight over to his campaign headquarters and waited over two hours for him to get there. I didn't tell his staff why I was there; I just showed them my Senate staff ID and said I needed a moment of his time. Amazingly, they were polite to me. Respect for the opponent, I guess. But I wasn't polite to him. I didn't even give him the courtesy of speaking to him in private. I let him have it – right there in front of his whole campaign staff and someone who had come in to volunteer. I introduced myself and opened the tongue-lashing with the words, 'I'm Alex Cabot's fiancée' and immediately his attitude changed. The jackass didn't even know that your fiancée works for his opponent; I guess he should have done his research. I told him I respect that he has his own opinion, but he had no right to name you in that article. He let me rant, and then just dismissed me by saying, 'I stand by what I say, Miss Novak', and walking away from me. The guy is…" she's so upset she can't even find the right words. "Oh my God, I was so mad! He celebrates being an ass."

It's certainly understandable why Casey would be so upset; in her place, I would be too. But she takes things much more personal than I do and doesn't exactly know when to let things go.

"Casey," I say sympathetically, taking both of her hands in mine and giving her a warm smile. "I'm so touched that you defended me…but this is politics, Casey. He is playing a game. I'm very angry that my name was used in that article too, but you know what? It's okay. Our engagement is public; we weren't trying to keep it a secret. Making something like this public when you have a job like mine is opening yourself up to this kind of attack. I know. I knew that when I made the announcement. It's dirty politics he's chosen to play, but there's nothing you can do about that."

"I realize that, Alex, but it pissed me off."

"I understand. But you have to tread lightly, okay? I know how you are. I know how your mouth gets you in trouble. You had every right to confront Phil Williams…but use restraint, okay? Keep in mind that this is a game and don't take it too seriously. Don't give him any ammunition to fire at you too."

Casey is looking at the carpet now, as if she's embarrassed to meet my eyes. "I know. I wasn't out of line with him. I told him what he needed to hear. I just couldn't let it go, Alex."

I tell her it's okay and I squeeze both of her hands, trying to think of something to say to make this a little better. She's still so upset and tired and stressed. She needs to relax. She needs _me_. This job is way too much for her.

So I tell her that. "Casey, we said we were going to be honest from here on out, right?"

She looks scared by those words. "Yes…"

I put the serious expression back on my face. "Okay. Then I'm going to be honest – I want you to give up the campaign job. I can't stand what it's doing to you. We don't see each other anymore, and that's only going to get worse. Working in his office is enough, Casey. You don't need to fill your evenings with even more stress. We both have stressful enough jobs as it is, and we both need to come home and unwind with each other. Nothing feels better than coming home to you…and I know you feel the same way about me. I know it may seem controlling or mean to ask you…but I am asking you, Casey. For the sake of yourself, and _us. _Please."

I'm fully expecting an argument from Casey. I expect her to blow up a me and then retreat to the safety of our room. But she surprises me by giving me a small smile and saying, "Okay, Alex. I will. I'll tell Senator Palmer tomorrow." And that's all she says – just those words. And then she drops my hand and gets up off the couch and says, "I'm going to shower and go to bed."

After she's disappeared down the hall, I remain seated on the couch, thinking about what just happened. My words didn't seem to make her feel any better. She was just as upset when she got up off the couch as she was when she sat down.

I sigh and head towards the bedroom. I hope this week gets better. It certainly can't get any worse.

* * *

><p>Friday night I pull my car into Palmer's campaign headquarters at a little after eight PM. Casey had promised to be home by six; I worked through lunch and a meeting I needed to attend in order to be there when she got home so I could take her out for dinner and maybe a movie. And here it is eight o'clock and her jeep is still in the parking lot and the last text I got from her was an hour ago, apologizing repeatedly for being late and promising to finish up soon. I texted her before I left the apartment and so far haven't heard back again.<p>

It's supposed to be her last day on the campaign and I fully expected her to be home when she said she would be. And not answering my texts now…it's unacceptable. I would never do that to her. This is so unlike Casey. She has never been so disrespectful to me before.

As soon as I enter the office, I'm greeted by a friendly brunette who can't be more than eighteen. She stands up from behind the desk and smiles at me. "Good evening! What can I help you with? Sorry for the clutter; we've just gotten some signs and bumper stickers in and need to sort through them."

I can tell she's sizing me up and hoping I've come to volunteer; what a pity I'm about to disappoint her.

"I'm here for Casey Novak. Could you tell me where she is?"

"Casey is in a meeting with the campaign staff right now. It's closed-door so I can't interrupt. Is this an emergency?"

I sigh heavily; why would Casey need to be at a meeting on her last day? What could be so important?

"No. Just tell her that her fiancée wants her to come home immediately. Tell her to call me when she decides I'm important enough."

I don't give the girl a chance to respond. I adjust my purse strap on my shoulder and make a hasty exit, being sure to slam the door behind me.

I'm so hurt; I never expected Casey to hurt me in this way. What could be so important that she wouldn't be home when she said and couldn't take five minutes to call or text me? I thought I meant more to her than this.

I've just opened my car door and am about to get in the driver's side, when a voice shouts my name. "Miss Cabot! Please hold on!"

I turn to see Senator Palmer himself jogging across the parking lot towards me. He's dressed in a three-piece suit and looks like he just walked off the Senate floor.

He stops in front of me and regards me with a smile. "Miss Cabot, you have my apologies for keeping Casey so late. None of us have had a spare moment today and I understand she had hoped to be home a few hours ago. It's my fault she's still here; I asked her to do some extra work."

I angrily slam my car door and cross my arms in front of my chest. "Excuse my harsh tone, Senator, but Casey and I are planning a wedding. We haven't even had a conversation this week. She comes home exhausted both physically and mentally every night. And one day out of the week she hopes to come home at a decent hour, and you give her more work?"

"Miss Cabot, I – "

I don't let him get a word in. "No. I'm speaking now. I'm not intimidated by you just because you're a Senator. Don't expect me to go easy on you. Casey means more to me than anything in this world, and you are taking advantage of her. She is so eager to please that she will do whatever anyone asks of her, and you are playing this card with a full hand. I don't like seeing Casey get taken advantage of. She's been through a lot in her life, and she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. Kindly go back inside and break up her meeting and send her out here."

Senator Palmer seems impressed by my words, and not at all fazed by what I've said. He nods at me. "I understand your dedication to Casey. It's admirable. I was in love once…and I made a huge mistake that destroyed my life. So I do understand your stance. And I know how difficult it is to plan a wedding. But let me tell you something about Casey. I haven't known her as long as you have, but I what I _do _know about her is that you can't _make_ her do anything. Casey does what she wants and doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. She burst into my opponent's campaign headquarters yesterday and called him on attacking you in the Post."

I actually feel myself soften at those words, and I feel I owe an apology for that. "I heard…I'm sorry about that. Sometimes she overreacts."

"No; don't apologize. We need more people like her. I wasn't angry in the least when I heard about what she did. She stands by what she believes in and tells people when they're wrong. Just like the way she handled my case as ADA. Too often in this line of work people become what they think they _should _become and don't stay true to themselves. Casey's rare. It's refreshing to see someone like her."

I find myself beaming proudly. Casey is being complimented for her big mouth…this is a first.

"Anyway, Miss Cabot, I won't bore with you politics. I came out here to talk to you about Casey. She informed me that today is her last day on my campaign staff. To be completely honest with you, I don't want to lose her. She is the best person I have."

I laugh bitterly. "She already works in your office; that's not enough? And she has no experience working on a political campaign – how can she be the best on your staff?"

"She has experience in life, and she has experience in sticking her convictions. She's motivated and dedicated. That's what I need. I need her on my staff."

I can't believe this man is so selfish. He keeps Casey here late, doesn't let her call me, and now he's saying he _needs _her?

"I'm sorry, Senator, but it won't work out. As I stated earlier, we are planning a wedding and this job doesn't allow any time for us to be together," I say again.

"I offered Casey a full-time position on the campaign. I told her she could work eight to five during the week and only occasionally on nights and weekends when we have a big event. I will still need her to travel for the campaign occasionally, but we can work that out. I can find a temporary replacement for her in my Senate office and she can walk right back into that job after the election. I will pay her the same as she is making in my office. But she refused. She said it wasn't what she wanted."

I shrug. "Then it's not. Casey would tell you what she wants."

Senator Palmer pauses, and then says, "Miss Cabot, can you come back inside? I'd like to show you something."

I follow him back into the office and he leads me down the hall and stops in front of a conference room. There's a large picture window. "Take a look."

I do as she requests, and what I see surprises me. There's a group of maybe ten people seated a large long table. They're all watching the speaker intently, taking notes.

And the speaker is Casey. She's standing in front of a large dry-erase board that is filled with writing and graphs, and she occasionally points to something as she speaks. She looks so confident and proud of herself. There's not a hint of insecurity. And she has the attention of everyone in the room.

I turn and look at Senator Palmer, not able to hide the surprise on my face.

"Those people in there respect Casey just as much as I do. She's good with them; she motivates them. They look to her for leadership. She is great at this job, Miss Cabot. She has the right personality, drive and morals for it."

I can't help looking back inside. Casey is still speaking, and my heart swells with pride. I've never seen Casey like this. Not even as ADA. When she came back to the DA's office, she was so tentative and unsure about herself. I never would have described her as a "leader". But yet there she is – leading a table full of people.

"She has so much promise in this field. Campaign experience would be good for her; and you can see how she's taken to her leadership role. I've never had the pleasure of someone like Casey working for me. I see so much promise in her that I can say with certainty that she would be a good candidate for state legislature in the next election in two years."

I'm so shocked by what I've just heard that I actually do a double-take. Casey running for office has never crossed my mind…it's always been something _I _aspired to.

"Of course I haven't discussed this with her yet and she may have no interest, but take it from me; she has what it takes." Senator Palmer looks in the window once more. "Now she's told me her wishes regarding the job, but I want you to know this – she's doing it for _you_, not for herself. That girl is made for this job, and she loves it. I really wish she would reconsider my offer. Maybe you should have a discussion with her."

I stand cemented to where I'm standing as Senator Palmer starts to walk away. He stops and turns back towards me. "If you love her, don't let her walk away from her potential."

I hear his footsteps getting further away until I can't hear them anymore, and then I find myself watching Casey again, lost with my own thoughts.

**So what do you think? Did you like the girls' weekend at the cabin? Do you think Alex is overreacting about the job? Will she let Casey quit...or encourage her to stick with it, and see what they can work out? Please review and let me know what you thought about this chapter.**

**On another note, this story is almost over; maybe 3 more chapters or so. I will then be doing a sequel, which I will start right away. I hope you all will read!  
><strong>


	38. Chapter 38

**Yes, I know; VERY early update :) I wanted to get this up because I won't have a chance to update again until the weekend or after. So I hope you enjoy! As always, thanks for reading and reviewing :) **

I can't believe I'm looking at Casey. My Casey. Casey, who always cared too much about what her colleagues thought of her getting her job back. Casey, who has always felt she wasn't good enough for me.

Seeing her in there, in charge and so confident, makes me feel prouder than I ever thought possible. And I know at this instant that me asking her to give this up is wrong and selfish. We can make it work. I can't let Casey give this up.

I stand there watching her for what seems like several minutes, though I'm sure only a couple minutes actually elapse. Casey turns towards the window – and sees me. She stops talking immediately, seemingly surprised to see me. I watch as she turns back to her group, and then heads towards the door.

The door opens a few minutes later and Casey is greeting me with a huge smile and a hug. "Alex! I am _so _sorry I am still at work. I've been trying – "

I'm quick to quiet her. I shush her and kiss her cheek gently. "It's okay; you don't have to explain it to me. I just…wanted to come by. Take your time, okay? I'll wait."

Casey smiles sweetly at me and interlocks her fingers with mine. "I'm about done, honey. I'm so sorry this is going so late. But it's my last day and I wanted to make sure everyone is caught up on everything."

I smile again, not being able to resist reaching out and touching Casey's neck. It's funny; I came here to make sure she did indeed quit and was coming home at a decent hour, and now I want nothing more than to see her go back in that conference room and make me even prouder than I already am.

"Just take your time, honey. And then we're going to talk about your job, okay?"

"I told you I would quit, Alex. I already told Senator Palmer – "

I hold up my hand to stop her. "We'll talk. Just come out to the car when you're done. I want to take you to dinner, and then we'll talk about this."

She gives me another smile and a nod and immediately goes back into the conference room. I stand there and watch her again for a few minutes. She doesn't miss a beat; she seems to pick right back up where she left off.

As I turn to leave the building and go back to my car, I see Senator Palmer standing by the coffee machine talking to the volunteer who had come in. I stop right in front of the machine, causing the Senator and the volunteer to both look at me. I lock eyes with Senator Palmer and I say, "I am so proud of her."

He actually smiles at me. A real, genuine smile; not a forced politician's crooked back-stabbing smile. Then he says, "Good. You should be."

I sit in the car for about twenty minutes before Casey comes out. She's smiling and cheerful and doesn't seem at all upset about me showing up at her job. She opens the door and gets in the passenger side, leaning across the seat to give me a kiss. "I have my jeep, you know. I can follow you to whatever restaurant you want to go to. Or we can take your car and I can get my jeep later. I guess it doesn't matter."

She's talking excitedly, telling me how much she's missed me. I sit there in silence, just watching and listening to her. As silly as it may be, I see Casey in a different light now. I just witnessed what she's capable of. And we're not leaving this parking lot until she knows that.

"Alex? What's going on?" Casey asks in alarm, finally noticing that I'm not speaking. Her face kind of falls and she says, "Are you mad at me for working late? I am _so _sorry, Alex, I know I promised – "

I lean over and place my hand on her knee, causing her to quiet immediately. She puts her eyes on mine, and I know I have her full attention. I can speak freely from the heart now. So I do. "I'm not mad at you, Casey. Not at all." She seems to visibly relax, but I don't stop talking. "Actually, let me correct that – I'm not mad_ anymore._ I was. I was hurt. When you didn't answer my latest text, it really upset me. I know you're busy…but I felt slighted. I felt you were choosing the job over me."

Casey is quick to correct me. "That isn't true, Alex! I would _never _do that! I just – "

I have to silence her again. "Let me talk, okay? I have something I want to tell you and I don't want you to interrupt…because you need to hear this." She nods at me to continue, so I do. "I came here with every intention of dragging you home and yelling at you for doing the same thing you used to chastise me about. It's not like you to be hypocritical and I was going to remind you of that. One of the girls inside said you were in a meeting so I told her bitterly to give you a message…and as I was leaving, Senator Palmer caught up to me out here. He told me that you had quit, and I was glad. I was _glad, _Casey. That is so selfish of me. All I was thinking about was myself and how much I wanted to have you home cuddled up on the couch with me playing with your hair. I didn't think about all the times I let you down by working late or coming home in a horrible mood and taking it out on you. I told the Senator I was glad that you quit because we needed to spend time together. I accused him of taking advantage of you; making you work for his campaign and not saying no when you really didn't want to. And he reminded me that you _never _do what you don't want to. And then he took me inside and showed me what you were doing. And I tell you, Casey…" I have to stop to look for the right words. I know what I want to say, but I don't think any words are going to adequately describe how I felt seeing Casey so sure of herself. "I can't even tell you how good I felt when I saw you. You were leading those people, Casey; they were _looking _to you. You seemed so confident and sure of yourself. And I can't remember ever seeing you like that."

Casey looks away from me, as if she's embarrassed, and I touch her again to get her to look at me once more. "I don't mean that as an insult, honey; I just mean that when you came back to the DA's office you never acted that confident. It was like you felt inferior to everyone around you and were just waiting for you next mistake. I know how low your self-esteem used to be. I like to think I partially contributed to it improving, but I think it was all you. You've always had this spark inside you that desperately wanted to be ignited. And I could always see it; even though you couldn't. I never thought it would be something like this that lit the fire, but sometimes life is unpredictable. Doors close and others open and we have to go through all of them to find out where we really belong. Unexpected opportunities present themselves and sometimes we have to make room for them in our lives."

I've rendered Casey speechless; that isn't an easy task. I deserve some type of award for that. She's staring at me like she can't believe the words that are coming out of my mouth. I pick up her hand as I start speaking again. "I should be insanely jealous of you, Casey. You have what I've always wanted. You have a United States Senator that admires you and says you're the best person on his staff. You're smart, you're driven, you don't take shit from people. I've worked hard my whole life so I could put myself on a clear path to the career I wanted. ADA, DA, possibly judge, state legislature, Governor…those are things I wanted. And things I realize now that I won't have."

"Why?" Casey asks, a hint of disappointment in her voice. "You can still have all those things, Alex."

I shake my head. "Maybe some of them…but my path is different now, Casey. I'm on a different course. I'm with you and I'm going to be with you for the rest of my life. And you're going places. You've found what you were meant to do. Senator Palmer thinks you should run for office."

"What?" Casey asks, in complete disbelief. "He said that?"

"Yes, he did. And I agree with him. We need leaders like you. People who won't follow the norm. People who aren't afraid to stray and will remain true to themselves no matter what. I wanted to be a politician – you know that. But I wouldn't make half the difference that you would. I don't have your courage or your convictions. I'd let popular ideas and beliefs control me; and I know you wouldn't. And me – I'm a different person now too. Just a year ago I would be seeing red because I would be so jealous of you. But now…I feel no hint of jealously. I feel _pride_ for you, Casey. It's your turn to shine and I'll accept whatever role I play in anything you do." I stop momentarily so I can wipe away the rogue tear that's rolling down Casey's cheek. "And what I'm trying to say is that I don't want you to quit the campaign. You need this experience. You need to discover for yourself just how much potential you have. I can tell you, the Senator can tell you, but ultimately you have to find out for yourself. Now I know he offered you a choice to strictly do campaign work and go back to his Senate office after the election; and I think you should do that. We can work it out. If there are weekends or nights you need to travel, I'll go with you. I'll help you any way that I can. Not because it's my job as your fiancée; but because I believe in Casey Novak."

Before I have a chance to say or do anything else, Casey is in my arms. She's crying softly and clinging to me as if her life depends on it. I smile proudly and wrap my arms around her tighter. "I meant every word I said, Case."

We spend the next few minutes in silence, holding each other until Casey's tears subside and she pulls away from me so she can look me in the eyes. She gives me a teary smile and says, "Alex…you have no idea how that makes me feel…"

I touch her cheek again. "I think I do."

Casey sighs contently and wipes at her eyes with her sleeve. Then she sits back down in her seat and says, "I'm sorry…I'm a mess here. Your tough Casey is becoming a softie because of you. You always know the right things to say to me. You always know exactly what I need to hear."

"That's my job, Casey. I have to make sure you realize how special you are, how much you can accomplish. And it was so wrong of me to expect you to give this job up. I know you like it…and I know you're good at it."

Casey is facing forward, looking thoughtful. "I do, Alex. But not as much as I love you. And the truth is, the campaign will be going into high-gear in the next couple of months. I'm going to have to travel to a lot of events and fundraisers. Even if I do just work days…I'll still have obligations. It will still take me away from you. And when Senator Palmer offered me the full-time campaign job, he said I will still have to be in Washington on Mondays as long as I am planning to go back to work in his office. I know we can work it out, but do we really want to? I still want my time with you. And I still want to play."

I turn so I'm facing her, once again picking up her hand. "Casey…we can do it. Anything you need to attend I'm sure you will know about well in advance and we'll be able to make arrangements. And anything on weekends I can go to with you, Casey. And as far as the Washington thing…it hasn't been an issue yet, and I don't foresee it being one. You leave Sunday night and you're home Monday night and the Senator's office pays for airfare and hotel. It's not unreasonable. I don't see any reason you can't continue to do that."

I can see that Casey still has doubts. She has that unsure look on her face, the one I hate to see. It's a vast contrast to the determined look she had in the conference room. I can see the wheels turning in her head and I know she's thinking of only me and not herself.

"I do love the job, Alex. It makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel like I'm good at something. But it's nothing compared to you. You mean more to me than any job. But I don't want this to come between us. And I don't want you to give up your dreams for me. I love what I'm doing, but I'm not sure I want this as a career…it's all so new right now and I think I need to do it for a while before I can be sure. And running for office never crossed my mind. I'm not sure I'd even ever want to do that. I think it's too early to be talking about that kind of thing."

"That's fine, Casey. You don't have to decide anything right now. Just stick with the campaign and give it a good go and then go back to working for Senator Palmer. See how it sits for you in the long-run. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you choose a political career - either as an elected official or behind the scenes - I'll support you. If you chose to go back to being an ADA or attorney, I'll support you. If you decide to stay home and do nothing, I'll support you. If you decide to go work at Burger King, I'll support you."

That makes Casey smile. "Hmmm…don't tempt me. That would get me free whoopers whenever I want."

I laugh lightly and play with Casey's fingers. "The choice is yours, honey. It's your future. You decide what happens."

Casey sneaks a kiss and then gazes deeply into my eyes again. "I'll stick with the job and then go back to working in his office after the election. As long as I know you're okay with it. As things come up, we'll sit down together and figure them out."

"That's perfect, Casey. That's all we can do."

"And there's one thing you're wrong about, Alex," Casey says sternly, catching my undivided attention. "It's not my future. It's _ours_."

Our future. That has a nice ring to it. I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing that.

* * *

><p>So far our weekend has been wonderful. Yesterday, Saturday, we finally got Casey's motorcycle; the Honda she had wanted. I have to admit it's not as awful as I thought it would be. It's a smaller bike, really quite attractive, and not loud. When she test-drove it at the dealership on Saturday, the dealer had been impressed by how well she was able to handle the bike. She's not afraid of it and seems to take it very seriously. I've yet to ride on the back of it with her. I don't think I ever will. We have her scooter for that.<p>

Even though I like the bike and I know Casey knows how to handle it, it won't stop me from worrying about her when she takes it out. She's not taking it to work as of now, but has been talking about it. The idea of her riding that thing down the highway on a daily basis scares me…as ridiculous as that may sound.

On the way home from getting the motorcycle, Casey spotted a flea market set up in a church parking lot and made me stop. I've never been one for yard sales or flea markets, but I'll admit it was fun browsing around. I found a couple antique flower vases for my mother. And Casey? You won't believe what Casey found. She had come up to me with this dopey stupid grin, holding something behind her back. And then she presented me with a t-shirt in the ugliest shade of green I'd ever seen, with the words "I'm hers" embroidered across the front – and a finger pointing to the right. Of course Casey bought it. She says when she wears it I have to walk on her right so the t-shirt is politically correct. I told her it will meet with an unfortunate accident involving bleach in the near future.

Then we spent Saturday night watching movies. It was Casey's turn to pick so we ended up watching one of those awful '_X-Men_' movies. It was actually pretty fun though. This particular installment had a character that held the job title of Secretary of Mutant Affairs, a position on the President's Cabinet. Remembering our conversation at the cabin about red hair being the result of a 'mutant' gene, I had told Casey that Secretary of Mutant Affairs was definitely in her future. That had gotten a huge laugh out of us, and now Casey is known as my "little cute mutant."

Sunday finds us at the local bakery – very undecidedly ordering our wedding cake.

The girl that's taking our order – Amanda – has been waiting on us for nearly forty-five minutes. We're nightmare customers; that's for sure. Not rude of course, but we need every option explained and shown to us and we can't seem to agree on anything.

Casey is clinging to my arm like a dryer sheet as we flip through the wedding cake book for what seems like the millionth time. This display of affection would normally embarrass me and I'd be very apologetic to the bakery clerk. But it's Casey, and I love Casey touching me; so I allow it.

"I really like the three-tier style," I tell Casey, pointing to one of my favorites in the book. It's a very elegant three-tiered cake with white icing and flowers and roses elaborately piped around the sides. You can custom order any aspect of it you want; but I actually think the cake in the book looks about perfect.

Casey frowns, staring at the picture disapprovingly. "It's very nice…but isn't that a lot of cake? We haven't gotten back all our RSVPs yet; we don't even know how many people are coming. If we had a lot left over, we'd be eating cake for weeks."

I smile at her. "I didn't think you'd mind that."

She makes a face at me. "Normally I wouldn't." Her eyes go to the price list. "But look at the price, Alex. I didn't even pay that much for my iPhone."

I know that's a slight exaggeration, but I get her point. But it's a special occasion – you can't put a price on it. "We're only going to get married once, Casey. That cake is perfect. I know it's expensive, but aren't we worth it?" I can tell I'm weakening Casey's resolve. She's not saying anything and staring at the photo, fully aware of how much I want the cake. So I decide to sweeten the deal. "It's beautiful…just like you."

Casey smiles a little at that. "Well, when you put it that way – "

I can tell that Amanda has grown uncomfortable with us. She's been polite not to say anything, but she couldn't hide the shock on her face when Casey had said, "Her name is Casey…and she's right here" in response to Amanda's question as to my fiancée's name. I'm sure we're not the only lesbian couple to have ordered a cake from their bakery…but that doesn't make it easier for some people.

I look up at Amanda, victory in my eyes. "Okay, I think we've decided. I'm sorry for keeping you. We just want this day to be perfect, you know?"

She nods and quickly and gets out an order form. After taking down our basic order information, we're hit with more questions – what flavor cake do we want? What type of icing?

Casey and I exchange glances and I can read from Amanda's body language that she's getting very irritated with us. Well, I'm sorry – but neither of us have any experience with picking out a wedding cake.

"Marble cake?" Casey suggests, her eyes hopeful.

"That would be fine," I quickly agree. "Or chocolate."

"Whatever you want."

"No; whatever _you _want, Casey. I picked out the style."

"Well, do you like marble or chocolate better?"

I sigh in amusement, eyeballing Amanda once again. She's looking away from us impatiently, to another customer who has entered the bakery. The other clerk is assisting someone else, so Amanda asks if we mind if she helps the new customer while we decide on our cake. We tell her it's fine, and she strides away from us quickly. She's probably thinking we're the most indecisive difficult customers ever.

Casey laughs. "That poor girl. We've taken up nearly an hour of her time because we can't decide on something. I'll bet she's going to hope we return again and again and she always gets the pleasure of waiting on us."

I return her chuckle. "Yeah…but she has to see it from our standpoint. We want it just so because it's the most important day of our lives. I'm sure they have customers like us all the time."

Finally Casey settles on marble cake. And when Amanda returns to see if we've decided on something, we make things even more difficult for us. She writes down our selection of cake and when she asks us about the icing, we ask her to explain the different types they offer. They have regular sweet icing, a less sweet whipped option, an Almond flavored icing…way too many choices. Poor Amanda is right in the middle of explaining them to us – when Casey asks if we can sample them.

I shoot her a look to let her know she's gone too far, but Casey just shrugs. "I'd really like to taste the difference. We don't want to get something we don't like."

Amanda is getting worse and worse at hiding her irritation with us. She mumbles a "Sure," and doesn't even smile as she disappears out of view behind the counter and emerges a few minutes later carrying a plate of small plastic cups. She sits it down on the counter and tells us what each type of icing is as we try it.

I like the almond – Casey likes the whipped. She says the almond tastes too "artificial". I say the whipped isn't sweet enough. God, it's like we're married already! Bickering like an old gray-haired couple that's been married for fifty years.

After a short back and forth exchange, we meet an easy compromise – we'll go with Casey's type of icing and I get to pick the colors for the cake. I end up choosing light pink and gray, and surprisingly Casey really likes my selection.

When we finally pay the deposit and leave the bakery, we have been there nearly an hour and a half. We sling our arms around each other's shoulders as soon as we're out the door, both of us giggling.

"God, Casey, that was mean! 'Can we sample the different icings?' I thought she was going to punch you in the face."

Casey giggles again. "I really didn't say that to be difficult; I _did _want to try them. And I'm glad we did. By the way, that almond flavor was awful."

"Was not! It was the best out of all of them!"

We had walked to the bakery, so we decide to take a little trek downtown while we're out. It's a nice day and we have nothing else to do. We remove our arms from each other and opt instead to hold hands. And once we get a block or so, Casey stops us and points excitedly at an ice cream place.

"Oh! They're finally open for the season!" She grabs my arm again and puts her chin on my arm. "Ice cream? Please, Alex?"

I'm not that big on ice cream, but how can I resist a sweet request like that?

"Sure; you're buying," I tell Casey, opening the door and holding it for her. Once she hurries through it, I sigh and ask, "Why do I always give in to you?"

She smiles and kisses my cheek. "Because I'm your cute little mutant."

Yep. That would be why.

* * *

><p>The next week starts out pretty well.<p>

Firstly, I get a call from the jewelry store telling me that the wedding band that goes along with Casey's engagement ring is in. It had to be special ordered because I made some requests for it. It's supposed to fit together perfectly with Casey's engagement ring. I picked it up Monday after work and I have it hidden away where Casey will _never _prematurely find it. It is absolutely _beautiful._

And Casey has worked out a nice schedule with her job, which will allow her to be home most evenings with me, and most weekends as well. She'll be required to travel with the Senator as the campaign progresses…but we'll work that out as we come to it. I'll sacrifice whatever I have to help Casey reach her full potential…and I know she'll always do the same for me.

We're planning on getting together with Casey's dad this weekend. He wants to pay for the catering and flowers and part of the rental fee for the Botanical Gardens. I hate to see him spend his money that he can ill-afford…but I'm allowing it because of Casey. I know she feels badly that my parents and me are absorbing most of the cost for our wedding, even though she hasn't said so. Letting her father pay for some of it will help, make Casey feel like her family is making a difference too. And that's important.

And on Sunday, I am going wedding dress shopping with my mother. She's excited - maybe even more excited than I am. She said it's always been her dream to take her daughter shopping for a wedding dress. She has a whole list of places she wants to take me, and would you know it, there's a bridal show at the New York City Convention Center all weekend long.

Mother wants to take Casey dress shopping too. On a separate day from me, of course. She says she already thinks of Casey as her daughter and would be honored to take her. I have mixed feelings about it. Casey doesn't really have anyone to go with – no close female friends, and her mother passed away. I know it makes her sad to know she will never have the chance to do something so special with her mother, as I am with mine. Wedding dress shopping would be a good bonding time for Casey and my mother.

But I had another idea. I know this breaks every marriage tradition on the books. But maybe that doesn't matter; Casey and I aren't a 'traditional' couple anyway. Anyway, _I _wanted to go with her. Spend a whole day trying on dresses and just being together.

Mother thinks that is a very sweet and loving idea. But also says we will be missing out on so much if we see each other's dresses before the wedding. Part of the excitement and the magic is making your other half wait until the big moment to see you. It makes it that much more special. The anticipation leading up to it…there's nothing like it. And wedding dress shopping with your mother is a rule written in stone in the Cabot family.

So I'm torn…both ideas have their advantages and disadvantages. I've decided to talk to Casey after this weekend and see what she wants to do.

So this week can hurry up and get over so I'm just a little closer to marrying the woman of my dreams.

I'm sitting in a meeting Thursday afternoon with three of my ADAs at a little after two PM when one of the worst things imaginable happens.

My secretary Becca comes into the conference room just as I'm speaking about actions I want taken regarding a huge case that the Homicide squad is handling. Normally she'll linger by the door until I beckon her inside. But today she walks right up to me and actually verbally interrupts me.

"Miss Cabot," she whispers, her voice serious and her expression hard. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but Casey called. I don't know the details, but she's at the hospital and she says it's an emergency."

I don't think I've ever made a quicker, hastier exit. I tell Becca to cancel everything on my calendar for the day, and I literally run to my car. I'm trying to call Casey the whole time I'm running to the parking garage.

I can't even describe what I feel as I drive to the hospital. I'm scared and nauseous, and a million scenarios as to what could have happened to Casey are going through my head. The only thing I hang on to is the knowledge that _she _phoned my office. That lets me know she's not lying unconscious in a hospital bed. But it still could bad. _Anything _could have happened.

What would usually be a fifteen minute trip from my office to the hospital only takes me less than ten minutes. I take back roads to avoid traffic, and I go well over the speed limit. Let the police try and pull me over - they'd have to catch me first.

Once inside at the front desk, I'm informed that Casey is still in the emergency room. I'm given the option of having a nurse lead me to her room, but I don't want to wait. I can get there before a nurse would even have time to walk to the front of the hospital.

I easily find the emergency unit and burst through the double-doors, ignoring the receptionist at the desk asking me who I am there to see. I have the room number; I don't need to stop. Room E52 is at the very end of the hall and I quickly stride in through the open door - and my heart stops at what I see.

Casey is sitting on the examining table, holding a bloody towel to her left cheek. Three uniformed police officers are standing in front of her with their notepads out, and I see a girl I recognize from the campaign office sitting in the chair along the wall.

Casey's eyes immediately go to me, and she hops down off the table. "Alex!"

My heart is my throat as I step forward and embrace her. She appears to be okay except for an injury on her cheek - but why are the police here? What happened to her?

Casey is lightly crying and shaking in my arms, and my nauseous feeling intensifies. Casey _never _gets this upset. Something is seriously wrong.

I ignore all the eyes on me and kiss the top of Casey's head. She's holding the towel to her cheek with one hand, and squeezing my hand with the other. She has her face buried in my chest and her shaking doesn't subside even when I speak to her gently. "What happened, baby?" She just shakes her head and cries a bit harder, and I raise my eyes to the officers in the room. "Can someone tell me what the hell is going on? What happened to her cheek?"

"She was mugged in the parking lot of Senator Palmer's campaign headquarters," the oldest of three officers explains.

"What?" I'm in near panic, holding on tighter to my frightened fiancée in my arms. She was mugged…it's not possible…it happens to other people, not to Casey. I lift her head off my chest. "Baby, are you okay? Let me see your cheek."

Casey's eyes are filled with tears and she reluctantly lowers the towel, exposing an angry ugly gash on her cheek. My heart clenches when I realize what happened to her - she was pistol-whipped. I've lived in New York long enough to be able to recognize a wound from a pistol.

"Oh God…" I can barely utter out as I pull her close to me again and wrap my arms around her securely. I don't want to let her go. She's safe in my arms. No one can scare her or pistol-whip her. I can't stop my own tears from falling as I whisper to her that it's okay, that I'm here now and I'll keep her safe…just as she kept me safe at the cabin.

"Alex…" Casey manages to say, her voice muffled by my chest. "He took my ring! He took my ring, Alex!" And then she bursts into uncontrollable sobs, causing my heart to shatter as I attempt to hold her together.

All three officers and the girl from the campaign office are watching us, as if we're entertainment. I put my eyes on them again, and shift into full Ice Queen mode. "Could you give us some privacy? Please? Casey doesn't need an audience right now."

The girl from the office bails quickly, telling Casey not to come back to the office today. I have to stop myself from scoffing; as if I'd let her go back there right now anyway. The three officers exchange glances the older one clears his throat, motioning for the other two to make themselves scarce.

"We already took her statement and got a description of the suspect. We suspect it was a random attack; we've had a string of them in the area the past week." He pulls a business card from his pocket and hands it to me. "I'm office James Fredricks; feel free to call me if anything else comes about. Besides the cheek, she is otherwise uninjured. A doctor will be along shortly to stich her up, and we've taken a report on the items that were taken from her. We'll do our best to recover them."

I nod in appreciate as he looks one more time at Casey and then exit's the room, finally leaving Casey and I to our privacy.

As soon as we're alone, I pry Casey off me and make her sit back down on the examining table. She's calmed down a bit now, and I take the towel from her cheek and drop it on the table beside her. Her cheek is still bleeding, but it's starting to clot now and I know she's in no danger of bleeding to death.

I grab the nearby chair and position it right in front of the examining table so I can sit face-to-face with Casey. She hasn't let go of my hand, so I squeeze hers tightly as I speak, running my finger over where her ring should be. "What happened?" Casey shakes her head and looks away from me again, but I force her to meet my eyes. "Casey…talk to me, baby. How did this happen?"

Casey tells me, only after encouragement. "I had just come back from lunch. I was the first one back. I got a text as I was getting out of my car, so I stood there next to the car answering the text. He – " she takes a deep breath and I have to squeeze her hand to encourage her to continue. "He came up from behind me. My head was down looking at my phone, I was distracted; didn't notice. He grabbed me and demanded right in my ear that I give him my purse and my phone. I tried to turn around, but then I felt cold metal pressing into my back."

I involuntarily shiver – it was a gun. He held a gun to Casey's back.

She's starting to cry again, but manages to finish. "I knew it was a gun, so I gave up my phone and purse; I figured he would take them and run away. And then he said he wanted my jewelry. The gold bracelet you gave me for my birthday…and my engagement ring. I started to cry and begged him to just go, but he shouted at me to stop fussing and give them up. I wouldn't. I didn't want him to take my ring or my bracelet. I managed to twist away from him and I tried to knee him in the crotch, but he pistol-whipped me before I had the chance. It shocked me – and hurt – and I stumbled and fell. He took that opportunity to remove the bracelet himself but I recovered before he could get the ring. I kept telling I wouldn't give it to him. I was pleading with him to just leave me alone. But he laughed at me and said he would shoot me if I didn't give it up. And so I did." She stops talking and bursts into tears. "I am so sorry, Alex! I know how much that must have cost you…I tried so hard to fight him off. And then he broke out the back window of my jeep and took my laptop case. It had my computer and iPad in it. I'm so sorry I let him get away."

She's shaking again and I immediately stand up and hug her. I'm crying, despite all my efforts not to. That was the scariest story I've ever heard. My heart is clenched so tightly I fear it may burst. I came close to losing Casey today. She's hurt, but it could have been much, _much _worse.

All these years I've lived in New York and heard about muggings, but they never happened to me or anyone I loved…until now.

"Don't apologize, Casey; it isn't your fault. These things happen, and the only person who is at fault is the perpetrator. You know well that a crime is _never _the victim's fault. But you shouldn't have fought him, Casey. You should have just given him your ring. It's not worth risking your life. The ring, the bracelet, the computer and iPad…those things are all replaceable. _You _aren't."

As I continue to comfort her, I ask myself who would do this to a sweet, caring person like Casey. Casey tries so hard to help everyone else and always feels so much compassion for others. Not long ago we were watching a segment on "_20/20" _about fur farms in China. It showed this awful graphic footage of dogs being skinned alive, and Casey made me turn it off and she literally cried for over an hour. So how could someone do this to her?

After a few minutes pass, Casey calms down again. Once she stops shaking and the crying subsides, I feel it's okay to release her and pull away. She gives me a sad smile and I realize her cheek is bleeding again; I've got blood on my white blazer.

"I'm okay, Alex," she says softly. "I'm sorry. I was just…scared. I always thought in a situation like that I'd be tough. But I was terrified. When he said he would shoot me, all I could think about was you. I couldn't imagine someone having to tell you what happened to me. But after I gave him my ring, I felt like I failed you."

That makes my heart break even more. "God, no!" I sit down on the table next to her. "I'm glad you gave him the ring! I'd rather have to go buy another engagement ring for you than have to sit at your funeral." I nearly choke on those words; the thought is so horrible that it actually makes me feel sick.

I pick up the towel and dab some more blood away from her cheek, and Casey winches as I do so. It looks so bad, and I'm sure it hurts. I would go find the doctor myself; but I can't bear to leave Casey.

She rests her head against me and I stroke her hair gently. "I'm okay now; really. I'm glad you're here."

"Of course," I tell her. "I broke all kinds of traffic laws getting here." And then another thought grips me, and I can barely put the words together to ask. "Did he – do anything else to you?"

Casey knows exactly what I'm asking. "No. After he broke the window and took my bag, he ran away and left me there."

I feel immense relief and once again realize this isn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Casey got lucky…we both did. She could have lost her life, and I could have mine.

Casey takes a deep breath and wipes at her eyes. Her expression suddenly changes and she says, "I – I need to call and cancel my credit cards. And my phone service; he has my phone too. Everything was in my purse; my driver's license, ATM card, Senate staff ID. I had about fifty dollars cash…"

I quickly quiet her before she gets too worked up. "Shh. It's okay; we can do that later. We'll figure it out. You need to get taken care of first."

A few seconds later the doctor comes in and cleans her wound and then starts to stich her up. I sit there holding her hand, but I can't watch. Seeing someone get stiches disturbs me. Casey is acting as if it doesn't hurt at all; but I'm sure she must feel it at least a little bit.

She still looks so sad. Even though what happened is not her fault, I know she'll never stop blaming herself.

I stifle a tear as the doctor finishes up with Casey, and silently curse the fates for doing this to us. We were in the prime of your happiness…and then taken down by this.

_Why _are we not allowed to be happy?

**Awww...poor Casey! So what did you think? Things just can't go smoothly for them :( Do you have an opinion on what Alex should do about dress shopping - should she take Casey? Or let her mother do it? And what do you think about the mugging? How is it going to affect the wedding, and the time leading up to it? Is Casey going to always feel guilty? Please review and let me know what you think! And keep reading; only a couple chapters left before the sequel.**

**Next update will be this weekend or Monday.  
><strong>


	39. Chapter 39

**As usual, thanks to all those reading and reviewing! I am glad so many of you have stuck with the story this long. Almost 900 reviews...you guys are INCREDIBLE. Enjoy this one :)**

I am awakened that night by Casey crying. I immediately sit up, startled, and switch on the bedside lamp.

Casey is lying on her side of the bed, still awake but thrashing around. My heart breaks when I realize she's having a nightmare.

I lean down and kiss her forehead gently, using the softest voice possible to wake her. I frown as I see dried blood around the stitches on her cheek. She must have irritated them.

She opens her eyes slowly after the fourth time I've called her name. She blinks at me a few times, and then pulls herself up so she's sitting and tucks her hair behind her ear. She looks confused. "Alex? What's wrong?"

I smile at her. "I think you were having a nightmare. I woke up to you crying and thrashing around."

"Oh," Casey says innocently. She tucks her hair back again and I realize she's nervous; that's a nervous tick she has. "I'm sorry I woke you." She's doing everything to avoid eye contact with me.

She still feels guilty. As much as what happened is not her fault, she still thinks it is. She thinks she should have fought back harder and done everything to keep the mugger from taking her ring. No matter what I say to her, I can't convince her otherwise. I can't make her realize that her life is worth more to me than a ring. She should already know that.

I slide over so I'm sitting right next to Casey and start stroking her arm gently. Once she relaxes into my touch, I take a big chance and ask, "What was the nightmare about? The mugging? Do you remember?"

She looks away from me again and I have to call her name to keep her with me. I can tell she desperately wants to tell me so I keep prodding her until she finally breaks. I can tell it's difficult for her, so I pick up her hand and assure her that I'm there and that she can tell me _anything._

So she does. "It was just like – a flashback. I was on the ground again and he was pointing that gun at me, screaming at me to give him the ring. I just can't stop replaying that scene over and over again." She closes her eyes, and when she opens them again, they're teary. "It was really awful, Alex. I didn't know whether I was going to live or be killed, and all I was thinking about was you. You actually flashed before my eyes when I was sitting on the ground in the parking lot. And that's what made me give him the ring. I wanted to see you again so badly that I knew I had to do it. But I'm so sorry, Alex. I failed you."

It hurts me that she thinks that way. I _hate _that this happened. My usually happy and playful fiancée has been depressed ever since we got home from the hospital. And she shouldn't be. She should be _happy. _She has a wonderful job that she's good at, and our wedding is quickly approaching. And she has a fiancée that adores her more than anything else in the world.

I lean back against the headboard and pull Casey back with me. She lays with her head on my chest and I start my usual stroking of her hair. "Don't think that way. I told you that everything that was stolen is replaceable. You in no way failed me, Casey. You did what you had to do to stay alive and come home to me. In your situation I would have done the same thing. I'm so thankful that you're with me now; I can't stand the thought that I almost you."

Casey lifts her hand and looks at it. "I feel so…empty since I'm not wearing it. Like I lost something big. Like I'm not yours anymore," she says sadly.

I kiss her head and lock my fingers to hers on her left hand. "Just because you aren't wearing your ring doesn't mean you lost me. You aren't going to get rid of me that easily. If you want to dump me, you will have to come up with another plan. Like running over me with your jeep or motorcycle. Or having Harrison attack me."

That gets a light laugh out of Casey, which I'm thankful for. So I continue. "What happens really sucks, Casey, but we have to look at the positives. You could have been hurt much worse and something more valuable than that ring could have been taken – you."

Casey sighs and snuggles deeper into me. "I know. But I can't help how I feel. I loved that ring, Alex."

"I know, baby. I'll get you another one. It will take a few days because it has to be special ordered and sized correctly, but I will make sure you get it."

"No, Alex; don't spend the money. We have the wedding we have to help pay for, and the honeymoon…besides, I'm going to have a wedding band. That's good enough."

"No; that's _not _good enough," I tell her sternly. "You loved the ring and I want you wearing it. It meant the world to me having you wear it on your finger. I can afford it, Casey; you're getting another one."

I know that's probably not the best thing to say right now. But it's true; I'm replacing the ring. She deserves it. She can tell me not to until the world ends, and she's still getting it. On this there can be _no _compromise.

She doesn't say anything, so I continue talking. "And we'll go and get you a new laptop and iPad this weekend too. And you need a new phone."

"I can buy those things myself; you're doing enough," Casey says, a hint of annoyance in her voice. "I don't need you to buy everything for me."

"But that laptop was gift from me…I'd like to replace it."

"Alex," Casey says quickly, pulling away from me and sitting up. She does the hair tucking thing again. "Please stop. I know you're trying to make me feel better, but telling me you're going to buy me a bunch of expensive stuff doesn't lessen my guilt at all; it adds to it, actually. Knowing you're spending all that money on me…I just can't deal with that. You've already done too much and I'm so indebted to you that I'll _never _catch up. So please let me replace my own stuff. Please."

Of course – how could I be so insensitive? Casey's only reacting this way because she's still so upset, but she has a point; and it's a good one. If I were in her place, it would add to my guilt too.

I sit up as well, offering Casey a smile and reaching for her hand again. This time she doesn't look away from me. "Okay. I can do that for you, Casey. But I'm getting the ring. There's no arguing on that one; I'm doing it no matter what you say. And as far as you being indebted to me…how could you even begin to think that?"

"Because you give me everything, Alex," Casey says softly, meeting my blue eyes with her green ones. "I've told you before how I feel inferior to you because I can't give you the same things you can give me. We got a damn cabin for an engagement gift! You bought me a gold bracelet for my birthday; which gold stolen too. _Real _gold. I've never had anything made out of real gold. You bought me a top of the line laptop and the most elaborate engagement ring ever…how can I possibly ever repay that? Do you see why I want you to let me replace my own stuff?"

"I'm not looking to be repaid. I did all that because I love you. You're the most precious thing I own." She smiles a little at that. "And I don't mean that possessively; I just mean your heart is mine." I drop her hand and reach onto the nightstand, picking up my locket. "You gave me this. This wasn't cheap, but it's what's inside and the love behind it that makes it priceless. The only time I ever take it off is to shower and sleep, you know that. And what about the book of letters? That's the sweetest thing in the world…you can't put a price on that. When you love someone, you don't keep score of who is buying and what they owe you. What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine. That's the way it is, Casey. That's the way it will always be. You don't owe me a thing, except your love and dedication. But I already know I'll always get that from you."

She smiles again, this time a real genuine smile. She keeps her eyes on mine. "Thank you, Alex. I needed to hear that…even though I already know it all. I'm sorry I'm still a bit insecure with myself. It's just…me, I guess."

I laugh and slide my arm around her shoulders. "That's quite all right; it's cute, just like everything else about you." I look at her cheek again. "And your stiches have been bleeding a little; I'll get a washcloth."

I go into the bathroom and wet one of our dark red washcloths. I know blood is likely to stain and it will be less noticeable on this color. Besides, I hate this shade of red. Casey had picked it out. I quickly return to the bathroom and Casey lets me clean the blood off her cheek. It's not much, but enough to warrant being cleaned off.

After I've finished and gotten rid of the towel, I sit back down and kiss my cute little mutant. She's a little more receptive to me now. In fact, she grabs _me _and pulls me down on her. I cuddle into her side and use her stomach as a pillow while Casey turns out the bedside lamp.

"Did I make you feel better?" I venture.

"Yes," she tells me quickly, rubbing her hand up and down my back. "I'm sure the only reason I had that nightmare is because I wasn't cuddled up to you. Sometime during the night I rolled away from you. I usually sleep so sound. And that's because of you. The feel of your body next to or on mine, the sound of you breathing…it's all a lullaby to me."

"Well, I'm here for life," I tell her, one-hundred percent relieved that I got her out of her nightmare and she's a little happier than when she went to bed. "Or until you get tired of me and get rid of me by one of those means I suggested earlier. You can collect my life insurance money. I made you the beneficiary last week."

I hear Casey gasp in shock. "You did?"

"Of course; why wouldn't I?"

Casey is silent for a moment, and then she says, "Hmmm…well, that changes things. I may just have to train Harrison to be an attack ferret after all…"

I elbow her the best I can and smile at the fact that I've significantly cheered her up. "Shut up. Now go to sleep."

She sighs. "Good night, angel. I love you."

"I love you too, mutant."

* * *

><p>When Saturday finally comes, I am reluctant to leave Casey alone and go dress shopping with my mother. It's a couple days after the mugging and Casey is doing much better, but is still so upset that I don't want to leave her. Mother is only able to talk me into by convincing me that it would be good for Casey to have some alone time…and good for me to have some mother-daughter time.<p>

We leave a little after nine AM and are gone all day. Casey texts me throughout the day asking me what I am finding and letting me know what she's up to. She's actually having a pretty good day too; she had gone for a bike ride and then taken her motorcycle for a drive.

I have to admit, I have a great time with my mother. Of course she nags at me like every mother does, but we talk a lot about marriage and how different my life is going to be. I tell her how I want to pick out a house together with Casey after we get back from our honeymoon. And we discuss honeymoon options – Casey and I are still undecided as to where to go, but I get a lot of input from my mother. We also discuss Casey's job. Mother is so proud of her, and believes she made the right decision by sticking with the campaign.

I end up picking out the most elegant wedding dress. I hadn't planned on actually buying anything the first time I went out to look…but there was a dress at an upscale bridal shop in Brooklyn that I could not pass up. Nothing at the bridal show or any of the other shops could compare to this one. It's white – of course – with lace all up the back and half of each arm. The cleavage cut is just perfect for my body type and I found shoes that perfectly match. I fell in love with it right away. Even my mother says it's perfect; and it's rare that we agree on anything having to do with fashion.

I got all my measurements taken to have the dress tailored for me…and it will be ready for pickup sometime this week. I am so happy that I can barely contain myself. I can't wait to put it on and admire myself in my own mirror.

Of course Casey can't see it. I know she wouldn't go snooping, but just to put my mind at ease I'm going to keep it in the closet of my office.

Mother insists on coming into the apartment to say hi to Casey when we finally get home around six-thirty. She had been horrified when I told her about the mugging, and I guess she wanted to see for her own eyes that Casey is okay.

Casey is sitting on the floor of the living room with Harrison when we enter. She's feeding him something off one of our small plates.

"Casey! You're using our good plate to feed that rat?"

"He's not a rat; don't insult him like that," Casey says, climbing to her feet and holding the ferret close to her, stroking his soft fur. It's then she notices my mother is with me, and she immediately goes forward to give her a hug. "Mrs. Cabot! How good to see you!"

My mother dislikes animals but she does a pretty good job of hiding it as she hugs Casey; her eyes on the ferret the whole time, making sure he stays in Casey's arms.

"Glad to see you too, honey. And I told you to call me Caroline, not Mrs. Cabot." Mother releases Casey and worriedly touches her cheek. "Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I hope they catch the man who did this to you. I'm sure she's done it to others as well. How many stiches, honey?"

"Fifteen," Casey tells her. "And thank you. I was fortunate. It could have been much worse."

I'm thankful that mother isn't bringing up the stolen ring. She has enough sense to know how much that would upset my Casey.

Casey encourages mother to sit down, and when she does, I sit down as well. Casey returns her ferret to his cage and then comes over to sit with us. She opts to sit next to my mother; I guess she's grown tired of me.

"So did you find a dress?" she asks, directing the question at me. "Do I get to see it?"

"Yes; on our wedding day," I shoot back, causing her to make a face at me. "But yes, I found a good one. They're going to tailor it and I'll pick it up next week."

"So you two had fun?" Casey asks.

"Yes. We had lunch while we out. Talked about you – all bad stuff of course. Just the usual. Sounds like you had fun on your bike and motorcycle as well."

Apparently that's the wrong thing to say to Casey. She breaks eye contact with me suddenly, and acts as if my mother isn't there. "Dad called – he has to cancel tomorrow. Wants us to come next weekend. Is that going to work out? I think the campaign has a fundraiser on Saturday, but we can go to dad's on Sunday if that's okay?"

Something about the way she asked that is off. So I quickly say, "Yes…is everything okay, Casey? You seem upset?"

Mother looks at me with a deep expression of concern and then looks at Casey, putting her hand on her knee and squeezing it.

"Casey?"

"I'm okay," she answers much too quickly. "I had a good time today too, but when you two walked in…it's just…seeing the two of you and knowing what you did today. You went out and picked out a wedding gown together. You had lunch and talked. All together; like a mother and daughter should. But I'll never be able to do that with my mother. She'll never see my dress, or watch me walk down the aisle with my dad. She won't give me a hug on my wedding day and assure me that I'm the most beautiful bride ever. This is the happiest time of my life…and she can't be here to share it with me." She stops talking and immediately starts to cry.

Oh my God…that is the most heartbreaking thing ever. My poor, poor Casey. I get tears in my eyes and make a move to get up and go sit on the other side of her, but my mother wraps her up in her arms before I get the chance to.

"Oh, honey, it's okay…" mother says soothingly, letting Casey cry on her and gently rocking her back and forth like she always does for me when I'm upset. Casey clings to her, accepting the comfort my mother is accepting. "You know your mother loved you, Casey. She still does. And she _is _going to be there with you for the big day. She'll see your dress, and how happy you are. She'll be proud of you, honey. You won't be able to see her; but she'll be there. You carry her with you at all times in your heart and in your memories. We have immortality; because after we're gone, we still live on in the hearts of those who loved us. You're mother is alive in you, Casey. You have to believe that."

I just had tears in my eyes before; now I'm crying. Mother's words are so beautiful, and watching her comfort Casey and love her like her own daughter starts to repair my broken heart. Casey's crying is subsiding, and mother is rubbing her back and whispering to her now. I badly want to intervene and take Casey in my own arms, but I don't. I know she needs this moment with my mother.

After a few minutes Casey is completely quiet and mother asks her if she is okay. Casey pulls away from her and nods with a hint of a smile, and mother touches her cheek again. "You'll be okay, Casey. You're strong, and Alex loves you very much. And of course I do too."

I feel it's okay for me to interrupt now, so I quickly sit down on the other side of Casey and address my mother. "Can I have my girl now?"

"Of course," mother says, with a smile.

Casey has stopped crying, but that doesn't stop me from giving her a long hug and kiss. I pick up her hand and play with her fingers, telling her how perfect and precious she is to me.

After a few minutes, she returns her attention to my mother. "Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me. That's just what I needed to hear."

Mother smiles again. "It's my pleasure, honey. And I mean it – I love you just like you're my own daughter and I always will. And I'd love it if you'd call me 'mom'. If you feel comfortable with that, that is. And I have something else to ask you…"

Mother looks at me when she says this, and I immediately stiffen. I know what she's going to ask – she's going to ask Casey to go dress shopping with her. We discussed this again today. I still have mixed feelings about it. It might be too much for Casey to handle. Even though I already got my dress, it may be better if _I _take Casey. But mother says I have to let go and allow Casey to do difficult things on her own.

It's just so hard…

I drape my arm around Casey as mother takes her hand and just comes out with it. "Casey – I would like to take you dress shopping. Nothing would make me happier than helping you pick out a dress for the happiest day of your life. I'd love to gossip with you and treat you to a nice lunch. It would give us a chance to get to know each other better. But most of all, I want to do this for you. I want you to know that you have a mother in-law who loves you. I will never replace your mom; and I'm not trying to. But I hope you'll let me do this for you, Casey."

Casey is silent for a moment. She looks at me, as if seeking my permission to answer. I wish I could read the thoughts going through her mind right now. I nod at her and she turns back to my mother. With a quivering voice, she says, "I would really love that…"

Mother hugs Casey again and both of them have tears in their eyes. This so emotional…and touching. My mother is reaching out to my fiancée and making her feel like she's important and loved. I have the best mother in the world. And the best fiancée.

* * *

><p>The last thing I ever expected happens on Tuesday afternoon.<p>

I have just come back from a lunch meeting – and find none other than Olivia Benson waiting outside my office. I'm so surprised to see her that I nearly drop the folder I'm carrying and it's a full minute before I can form coherent words. "What are _you _doing here?"

I'm angry and sad to see her. Angry because of what she tried to do…and sad because she made it so we have no possibility of ever being friends again.

Olivia greets me with a smile. "Hi, Alex. I know we agreed I'd never see you again, but this is important and can't wait." She gestures to my office. "Can we?"

I hesitate. I really don't want her in my office. I'm sure my secretary knows she's here and right now it's the talk of the office. And what if it somehow gets back to Casey that Olivia came to see me and we went in my office alone? Casey isn't the jealous type…but I still don't want to take the chance.

I sigh, letting her know how frustrated I am. "Can we do this out here?"

"Not really; no. It's not a discussion for the hallway." She looks around as a few people walk by, looking at us. "I really won't bite, Alex. I promise I'm not here to cause trouble."

Yeah; I've heard that one before. But I know I have no choice. I reluctantly nod and open the door to my office, leading the way inside. I leave the door open and take a seat behind the desk, beckoning for Olivia to sit as well but she opts instead to stand by my desk.

She pulls out a small plastic bag from the pocket of her jeans and lays it down on the desk in front of me. "Is this Casey's ring?"

I gasp and pick up the bag, my heart beating a million miles per hour. It's Casey's ring all right – back in my hands. I'm in complete disbelief as I look up at Olivia. "Yes, it's hers…where did you find it?"

Olivia finally takes a seat. "In that run-down pawn shop on Fifth. I didn't personally recover it, but I asked to be the one to deliver it to you. It was pawned this morning. He obviously didn't know what it was worth. Luckily the pawnbroker has always been cooperative with police investigations. He called PD because it's an unusual item to be pawned; rings of that value are typically not pawned. And I guess he was hoping there was a reward. But anyway, it's already been through evidence. They were able to lift some partial prints, but there were so many and so partial that a match is impossible. And the man who pawned it gave a phony name and address. But the pawnbroker's description is identical to Casey's."

Now that I know it's already been processed, I remove the ring from the bag. I examine it closely. There appears to be no damage whatsoever. I run my thumb along the length of it, smiling. Casey is going to be so happy…

"I'm afraid the chances are slim of recovering the other items, though," Olivia continues, watching me examine the ring again. "But I'm thankful they were able to get that back for you and Casey."

I take my eyes off the ring long enough to look at Olivia. She really does look sincere; there's not a hint of animosity or jealously on her face. "Thank you," I manage to say. "But how did you find out? It's not a case for your unit."

"When I heard what had happened, I checked in on the case every day. It was a high-priority case, as you can imagine. When the ring was recovered today, they pushed it to the top of the evidence and processed it right away. I felt so badly for you two…especially after what happened. What I _caused_, I mean. I really was skeptical about getting anything back. But like I said, I'm glad we did."

"Casey is going to be so happy," I say softly, still in a state of disbelief and still fingering the ring. "I special ordered her another yesterday but it was going to take a week or so to come in…now I can call and cancel. Casey will be happy about that too; she hadn't wanted me to spend the money. She's like that, you know."

Why did I just say that? Olivia doesn't know what Casey is like. And what does she care if I ordered another ring, anyway?

Olivia smiles at that. "Good. I'm glad. How is she doing?"

I finally put the ring down and sigh. "She's good. She had fifteen stiches to her cheek. But she's dealt with it; much better than I would have, I might add. She was very upset when it first happened. She even had a flashback-type nightmare that night. But she's doing okay. She went back to work the next day. I was really nervous, but she was all right. Everyone at the campaign office was apologetic and had promised me they wouldn't let her be there alone for a while. I've noticed she's kind of jumpy…but other than that, she's fine. She stayed home alone on Saturday while I went dress shopping with my mom and kept herself occupied. And it turns out that mom is taking _her _dress shopping as well. They're going this Saturday."

Olivia laughs at that. "Really? Your mom likes Casey?"

"She loves her," I say quickly. And then I wonder what exactly it is I'm doing. Why am I spilling my guts to Olivia? She had only asked me how Casey was doing; she didn't ask how my weekend had been. She doesn't care that I bought a wedding dress to marry the woman she nearly broke me up with. So why am I chatting so openly with her like she's my best friend?

Olivia senses the sudden chill in the room and rises from her seat. "Well; I have to get back. My lunch is nearly over. I just wanted to give that to you today. I'm glad you got it back, and I'm glad Casey is all right. I wish you guys the best."

She isn't apologizing for what happened between us. She's not making excuses. She's not declaring her love for me. She simply returned the thing in the world that Casey loves the most besides me, wished us well, and is now leaving. She has no motives this time.

She turns and heads for the door, and right before she reaches it, I say, "Olivia?" She stops. "Thank you – really."

She smiles at me before she makes her exit. "You're welcome. Go give it to her."

* * *

><p>Casey had texted me a little after four to let me know she was getting out of work early and had an appointment to go to. She wouldn't tell me what; only that I would "have to see it for myself later". I hate when she leaves me guessing. I like to know what's going on.<p>

But no matter; tonight is going to be _wonderful. _I managed to wrap up my work by five-thirty so I could rush home. I called my mother on the way to give her the happy news. Needless to say, she was overjoyed.

I texted Casey as soon as I left the office and she texted back saying she wasn't home yet, so I stopped and got us a pizza – with Casey's favorite toppings – and a huge pitcher of Mountain Dew. I would take her out; but I have a feeling what is going to happen tonight should stay behind closed doors. And the Mountain Dew will give Casey strength.

Once I'm home I text Casey again to tell her to hurry or her pizza will get cold, and then I head into the bedroom to change my clothes. I was going to go all-out sexy, but a sudden impulse hits me and I find myself putting on a pair of my jeans and rummaging through Casey's t-shirts.

Where did she get some of these? I'm glad most of these are strictly sleep-shirts. Some have holes and one has some bleach stains. I have to laugh as I continue to look through them. My fiancée is so cute. This is stuff I would never wear in a million years – band logos, superhero logos, sarcastic sayings…yep, totally Casey. And you know what? Some of these she _does _wear out in public. The ones that aren't stained or ripped of course.

I find her black Batman shirt and pull it over my head with a huge grin. It's one of her favorites. It has the Batman emblem in yellow on the front. And I don't think she washed it after wearing it the last time – it smells like her perfume. Not that I'm complaining.

Once I've Casey-fied myself, I go and sit on the couch. I take the ring out of my pocket and look at it again. I am so happy right now I could burst. Casey can walk through that door any minute – I don't know how much longer I can wait.

I only have to wait about twenty more minutes before Casey comes through the door. As soon as she sees me, she grins. "Hello, beautiful. Where's my pizza?"

It takes extreme restraint to keep from running up to her and showering her with hugs and kisses and giving her the ring. But I manage to control myself. I want to act natural; I don't want her to know anything is going on.

I stand and casually give Casey a kiss, trying to keep the smile off my face. "Hello to you, gorgeous. And your pizza is in the kitchen – it's cold."

"So what – you know I like cold pizza," Casey shoots back. She takes another look at me. "So you're wearing my shirt? Who do you think you are?"

"A superhero, obviously," I tell her, looking down at the Batman emblem. "Although a bat doesn't really suit me.."

"No; superhero as a whole doesn't suit you," Casey responds. She's grinning ear to ear…and I'm suddenly suspicious. Usually when we engage in our banter session, Casey stays serious. Her body language is off too; like she's hiding something.

"Where did you have an appointment at?" I ask, trying to figure out what's going on without actually asking. I don't think she knows Olivia came by the office; I think she would be acting differently if she did. But something is up.

That grin gets bigger. "I told you that you'd see. I won't keep you waiting for long. Would you put the pizza in the fridge for me while I change out of this suit? It feels like a cage. I'm going to stop wearing a suit to work unless we have a fundraiser or an important event. It's not the courtroom. It's going to feel so good to wear regular clothes to work. You're going to envy me. Of course when I travel with Palmer and am in Washington – "

"Casey," I say, effectively shutting her up. "You're rambling."

Casey only runs-on when she's nervous or really excited about something. And I can't figure out which one it is. She's really fidgety for some reason too; which is _really _unusual. I'm a bit worried. I tell her to go change and I put the pizza away like she asks and then I go to the bedroom to find Casey.

I don't see her in the room, but I hear the faucet running in our bathroom. I desperately want to sneak up behind her…but I know I can't. The mugging is still too fresh and she's too jumpy. But I sure would love to scare her and then hold the ring in front of her face.

I decide on a more tactful entrance. I call her name softly, and then push the door open.

Casey is standing at the sink topless with just a bra, holding a wet washcloth to her left hip, and she cries out and jumps as I enter the bathroom. Great; I scared her anyway. I'm about to move forward and hug her when an alarming sight catches my eye – there's a bandage in the sink with blood on it.

Casey sees me looking at it and turns so I can't see her hip, holding the washcloth there. "Alex! Get out!"

"What the hell happened, Casey?" I cry out in alarm, moving towards her anyway and grabbing at her. She pushes my arm away and gets the washcloth on her hip, giving me an odd look.

My heart is about to beat out of my chest. What has happened now? This was going to be such a perfect night…Casey got her ring back and we're both home early…now something else has decided to present itself upon us.

"You're hurt," I tell her, not able to keep the worry out of my voice as I reach for her again. "My God, what happened?"

To my surprise, Casey smiles. One of those holding-back-laughter smiles. "I'm not hurt…you don't understand…" she replies, taking a few steps back towards the shower.

"What's wrong with your hip?" I demand. I'm standing right next to her now, staring at it. She makes no attempt to move or answer me. "Casey! Jesus Christ, you're scaring me! Tell me what's going on!"

Casey sighs, and then removes the washcloth. And it takes me a few minutes to realize that the mark on her skin isn't a wound.

"Is that – "

"A tattoo," she answers, smiling again. "It was supposed to be a surprise. I was going to show you tonight. I was just in here taking off the bandage and cleaning it when you started yelling at me like a crazy person," she adds with a light laugh.

She turns around so I can fully see her side, and my heart warms at what I see. I'm not the biggest fan of tattoos, but I instantly love this one. It's an elaborate red heart with our first names and our wedding date inside of it, written beautifully in script. My eyes well up with tears and I want to touch it, but the skin is red and swollen and I know I'll only irritate it.

When I look back at Casey, she's giving me a hopeful expression. "Do you like it? Or hate it? I know I should have asked you before I marked myself up, but – "

I shake my head and press a kiss to her lips, silencing her. "No – it's perfect." I rest my forehead against hers and caress her stitched cheek. "Perfect just like you."

"You aren't mad that I got it?"

"Not at all," I tell her, kissing her again as I pull my forehead away from hers. I look back down at the tattoo. "It's really sweet and beautiful. Did it hurt?"

"Nah. I'm a mutant, remember?"

That answer is so typical Casey that I burst out laughing and hug her again. "Oh God, do I love you…I missed you yesterday while you were in Washington. But this makes up for it. But…you're not expecting me to get one too, are you?"

Casey raises her eyebrows. "Yes. I have one drawn up. It says 'Property of Casey Novak' and I expect you to get that in the most painful place."

I roll my eyes at her. "Thanks, baby. You're great."

Casey laughs again and pushes me towards the door. "Okay. Now get out. You saw that I'm not hurt and I have to apply some antibiotic cream to this. I'll be back out. Can you be patient, please?"

I pout at her. "I guess," I say sadly, then I give her a puppy-dog look the entire time I'm leaving the bathroom. She responds by laughing again and slamming the door.

I sit down on the bed and wait for what seems like hours for Casey to come out. Every second that goes by I'm growing more and more impatient. The ring in my pocket desperately wants to be out and on Casey's finger.

So when Casey finally emerges, I'm not able to take it anymore.

"Get over here," I instruct her, patting the bed beside me. "I have something for you."

She sits down and I pick up her left hand. Before I put the ring back into its rightful place, I lock my eyes on her green orbs and say, "I love you, Casey. I love everything about you. Of course you know that…but I wanted to say it again. You're so strong and brave. I'm so proud of the way you overcame that mugging."

Casey squeezes my hand. "You helped me, Alex. I know now that it's not my fault, but I can't even begin to describe the guilt I felt when it first happened. But you got me through it." She reaches up with her free hand and fingers the stiches on her cheek. "This is going to scar and I'm going to have it as a permanent reminder of what happened…every time I look in the mirror I'm sure I'm going to remember how that gun felt pressed into my back. But I know I have you. I have you and your love, and that's more powerful than a scar. So it's nothing."

I give Casey a teary reminder and release her hand long enough to touch her cheek again. I slide my thumb over the rough stiches. "Remember what you told me about the scar on my shoulder? How you think it's beautiful and you're proud of it because it shows how strong I am? Well, I never understand that until now. I think you summed it up perfectly." I take my hand away from her cheek and lift her shirt a little, revealing the covered tattoo on her hip. I don't want to take the wrapping off, so I opt for just touching it. "But you have this as a permanent reminder too. This is a permanent reminder of whose heart you own…and who loves you more than anything in this world."

Casey gets all teary-eyed and says softly, "Oh, Alex – I've made you so soft." She rests her head against my chest and sighs. "What would I do without you?

"You never have to find out," I reassure her. Then I pick up her left hand again. I know the time is now. "You remember I said I had something for you?"

Casey lifts her head and nods and in one instant I pull out the ring and put it on her finger. She stares at it for a few seconds, and then her eyes light up and she yells excitedly, "My ring! It came in already?"

I shake my head, causing Casey to frown in confusion. "No; this one is yours. The one that was stolen."

Casey looks up from the ring and at me in shock. She's running her thumb over the stone in the ring and instantly stops when I say those words. "But – how?"

I tell Casey about Olivia come to my office and how the ring was pushed through evidence because the case was considered 'high-profile.' When I'm done with the recovery story, Casey is crying.

"Oh, Alex…I can't believe I got it back! A new one would have been good, but this is even better…this is the one you slid onto my finger when you said those beautiful words. Even though it would have been identical, another one wouldn't have held the same memory." She looks at me with shining eyes. "And I never thought I'd be happy about getting special treatment because of status and affiliation – but I'm really glad I did in this instance."

Seeing Casey react so emotionally to getting her ring back warms me from the inside out. I love her so much that I can actually feel my heart swelling as I watch her smile and get re-acquainted with her ring. It's one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen.

Finally, Casey pulls her eyes off the ring long enough to look at me again. She leans forward and kisses me passionately, locking her arms behind my neck. Just when I think not being able to breathe is going to be an issue, she releases me and whispers into my ear, "You are amazing, Alex Cabot. I can't wait to be Casey Cabot."

"I can't wait either," I tell her truthfully, slinking my arm around her shoulders. "Everything is going to be great, Casey. The wedding, the honeymoon, our future…everything."

And I know that's true, because I've spoken from the heart.

**So what do you think? Casey got her original ring back - yay! What did you think of Olivia dropping it by? And Casey agreeing to dress shop with Mrs. Cabot? And of course Casey's tattoo? The next chapter is mostly like the last one before the sequel. I am taking suggestions for honeymoon venues. I have an idea for it; but I'd like input from my readers too. Where would you like to see them go? Please leave me a review!**


	40. Chapter 40

**Okay, so this is the last chapter, but I am doing an epilogue. The epilogue will be the honeymoon. I didn't include it in this chapter because it would have made it too long. I hope everyone is okay with this decision.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter and the wedding! I spent a long time on it. I'm not an expert on weddings so I'm sorry if something is non-factual at the ceremony, but I think you'll like it anyway :) And just as a disclaimer - the end of the chapter contains a mildly graphic sex scene. So if you are offended by or don't like that, please don't read the final part. Thank you!  
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It's here already. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow Alex Cabot will be married.

I can't believe time has gone by so quickly. We have been so busy these past few months with both of our jobs and wedding preparation that I barely knew which day of the week I was currently living in.

I can't believe how nervous I am; my stomach is in knots. Not about marrying Casey, of course - but about everything else. I want tomorrow to be beautiful and perfect and go without any hitches. For Casey.

Okay, and for me too. But can you blame me? The road to get to this day hasn't been easy. Casey and I had a rocky start to our relationship and then I cheated on her. Just when we were putting the pieces back together and were finally happy, Casey was mugged.

We're happy again. Deliriously happy. This whole week it's seemed we have been living in a fog, as if this whole thing isn't real and I'm going to wake up from a long slumber to find that Casey never took me back and I'm alone.

All of the plans for the wedding fell into place. My dress is beautiful and was tailored perfectly; Casey got a dress she is excited about that my mother called "breathtaking". I can't wait to see her in it tomorrow. I'm sure it's going to be almost as beautiful as she is.

We got the catering and flower arrangements all figured out with Casey's father. The cake turned out phenomenal and Mr. Novak is picking it up in the morning to take it to the Botanical Garden. My parents are coming in tonight and Mr. Novak is being kind enough to put them up at his house in Brooklyn. He lives less than a half hour from the Botanical Garden and mother wants to be up before the crack of dawn to make sure her daughter's wedding goes off without a single hiccup.

We're having over three hundred at our wedding. Not a large wedding in my eyes, but I know Casey is going to be overwhelmed. I had wanted a larger guest list, but Casey and I had compromised. My extended family is attending, as well as Casey's family, some of our friends, co-workers, and the whole gang at Special Victims. This wedding is going to be packed with lawyers, judges and politicians. Senator Palmer is attending of course, with his entourage. Apparently he has a surprise for us that he's going to present at the reception.

My parents and Mr. Novak have set up the entire reception. They rented out a conference center a few blocks from the Botanical Garden and took care of all the food and seating arrangements. They are keeping the entire thing sort of hush-hush; I guess we aren't supposed to know all the details until we make our entrance. We're going there from the ceremony in a nice black stretch limo.

We decided on Florida for our honeymoon. The weather is beautiful this time of year and I think Casey will love Sea World and Universal Studios. She's never been to either. And of course we will have the beach.

Everything had better be perfect tomorrow. There is a chance of rain in the forecast. I've been worrying about that since I saw it two days ago. It would ruin everything. The fates simply _cannot _be cruel enough to make it rain on us.

"What you doing, beautiful?" Casey asks, coming into our bedroom and plopping down on the bed beside me. She's incredible; here it is after seven on the night before our wedding and I'm a bundle of nerves while my fiancée is not worried or nervous in the least. I have no idea how she manages it.

I'm sitting on the bed reading the confirmed guest list for what I honestly think is the hundredth time, and I lower it to look at Casey. "Just looking at the guest list again…wondering if all these people will actually show and how many will have guests that aren't confirmed. Hoping we have enough food and praying it doesn't rain. Could you imagine if it did?"

Casey just smiles and takes the guest list right out of my hand, leaning forward to kiss me. "Stop it. We're supposed to enjoy each other tonight. You aren't supposed to be sitting in here alone. Actually, we aren't even supposed to be home. Normal women have bachelorette parties but we're too lame."

I make room for Casey next to me and obliges, sitting next to me against the headboard and resting her head on my shoulder. "Well we aren't normal. And we're pathetic." I laugh lightly. "We're spending the night before our wedding together and we're actually arriving together. We've killed all the traditions."

"I don't really mind. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," Casey says, snuggling into my shoulder. "Besides, once we get there we'll be apart until the wedding starts. You can be in suspense while I'm off getting all prettied up, and so can I. It will be fun."

I know she's right. Traditions don't matter. You spend your special day and the night before the way you want to; not the way everyone else has always done it. And what we're doing is what we want.

We kiss again, and I start to snake my hand up Casey's shirt when she stops me. "Nope. I'm denying you right now."

She pulls away from me and I pout at her. "Come on…you're going to be Casey Cabot in mere hours. I want to play with Casey Novak one last time."

She gives me a devilish smile and gets off the bed, offering me her hand. "And you will - in time. But I have something planned for us tonight. That's why I came in here to retrieve you."

She pulls me up off the bed and leads me down the hall towards the living room. "Are these plans going to take place outside of the apartment? Because I really have no interest in being anywhere but in bed with you tonight…playing with you."

"We're going out," Casey announces.

I wait until we've reached the living room to protest. "Casey!" I gesture to my polo shirt and khaki shorts. "I'm not really dressed for an evening out…"

"You look fine for what I have planned. Get your shoes on and we'll be ready." Casey turns around and picks up her keys from the little key bowl by the door. When I make no attempt to move, she says, "I'm waiting Alex…"

I sigh. "I had visions of us cuddled up together, anxiously awaiting the morning after wonderful love making."

Casey smiles widely. She kisses my cheek gently and sweetly and as she pulls away I catch a glimpse of the faint scar from the mugging months ago on her cheek and I once again silently thank the fates for keeping her safe for me that day and allowing us to have tomorrow.

"We can still do that," Casey assures me. "But I am taking you on an outing first. It won't take long; I promise."

What choice do I have? Casey seems so eager for me to go with her. And I do need a distraction from my nerves.

So I humor Casey and go get my shoes on, then I follow her out the door. As soon as we're in the hall, Casey takes my hand and holds on tightly as we start to walk. "Just think, Alex…the next time we leave this apartment, we will be coming back married. As the Cabot's."

Wow. That thought hadn't occurred to me. But she's right. Tomorrow we'll be coming home as one; legally joined for life. Alex Cabot and Casey Cabot. Forever. The thought is so beautiful that it brings tears to my eyes.

Once in the parking garage, Casey leads me over to her jeep. At least I think that's where we're going - until we approach the motorcycle. As we get closer, I see two helmets hanging from the handlebars. Casey's and a pink one.

And I have a good idea who the pink helmet is meant for.

I stand by the bike staring in horror as Casey's confirms my suspicions by handing the pink helmet to me. It's similar to the one I wear when we ride her scooter, except this is a full-face helmet with a clear face shield in front and it's very heavy.

"We're going to go for a ride," Casey tells me, leaving no room for argument.

I gape at her in shock. "I told you I never wanted to ride this bike…let's take the scooter instead."

Casey just shakes her head and takes my hand again. Instead of holding it, she places it on the seat towards the back. "You'll sit right here. You can hold onto me if you want. Just like on the scooter."

My nerves are flaring back up. "Casey…I don't want to. This bike scares me. It's _not _like the scooter. It's big and intimidating and there's no way I'm getting on it."

Casey laughs at me. "Alex Cabot is intimidated by a motorcycle? Wow."

"Yes; that has the power to kill or maim us. We could get in an accident and have to attend our wedding as ghosts." Casey bursts out laughing at that and I crack a smile, but I don't back down. "Come on; we'll do something else."

Casey crosses her arms in front of her chest stubbornly. "This is your last night as a single lady. Are you going to go out like this? Intimidated and scared by a _bike_? Denying your sweet fiancée the pleasure of giving you a ride? You have to do something daring tonight." She then reaches down and pulls up her shirt, revealing that tattoo I love so much. "I didn't make you get one of these, so you're doing this."

I'm softening to the idea. Casey is right; I am kind of required to do something wild. "Okay, how about a last minute bachelorette party? We'll play strip poker, have a few drinks, drunk dial someone. Even get a stripper if you want. A nice blonde; since you seem to like them."

Casey knows I'm joking and plays right along, with a huge smile on her pretty face. "You think Rollins would do that?"

I reach out and slap her shoulder. "Casey!"

"Okay. No more joking," she says quickly. "Come with? Please? I promise we won't go far. There's just a special place I want to take you to."

And somehow Alex Cabot ends up with a bulky, heavy helmet on, sitting on the back of a Honda motorcycle while her fiancée puts her own helmet on and then pops up the face shield so she can talk to me. She turns around and locks her eyes on me as she instructs me how to sit and how to hold on.

"I'm really scared, Casey," I admit pathetically.

She smiles warmly at me. "It's okay. You're with me. I'll keep you safe. Do you think I'd let anything happen to you? Just stay seated properly and hold onto me tight and don't worry about a thing. Enjoy the ride and I'll take care of you."

Those words actually put my mind at ease. I trust Casey completely. I trust that she _will _keep me safe. So I nod, implying that I'm ready, and Casey turns back around on the seat. I put my arms around her and lock my hands together. Right before Casey slides her face shield down, she says, "Hmm…I just remembered that life insurance money…"

Casey warms me she's going to start the bike, but I still jump when it roars to life. It's louder than I expected.

A few minutes later we're moving out of the parking garage. I'm scared to death as Casey turns onto the road and picks up speed, but at the same time I'm enjoying the feel of her body against mine and the security I feel because of it.

It's then I realize that this is how we started. Casey had picked me up at my apartment with her scooter over a year ago. Almost a year and a half now. I was just as scared then as I am now. But Casey took care of me and I survived the ride…and it led to the best thing of my life - my wife to-be.

As we travel down the road, I start to relax. Casey really does handle the bike well, and she's doing a little under the speed limit for me. She turns onto a rarely used road - and that's when I realize where we're going.

The beach. The same beach Casey took me to that night. The beach where we had our first kiss.

Neither of us speaks until Casey pulls the motorcycle into a parking spot and cuts the engine. She immediately pops up her face shield and turns around to look at me. "See? You survived."

I take off my heavy helmet and fluff up my hair. Casey takes the helmet from me and hangs both of ours on the handlebars.

I'm still fluffing up my hair as I say, "Looks like you won't be getting that money."

Casey shrugs and takes my hand. "It's okay. I guess you're worth more."

We start walking towards the sidewalk leading down to the beach. "I can't believe you brought me here."

"This is where 'we' started, Alex."

"I know…But when I brought you here for your birthday, you hated it."

Casey stops walking and turns around to face me, taking my other hand so she's holding both. "This is where I realized that you felt the same thing for me that I felt for you, after you kissed me. This is where I felt like I was good enough for someone like you. This is where I realized I didn't have to be alone for the rest of my life."

"But I hurt you so badly after that kiss…" I point out, my eyes filling with tears.

Casey shushes me and squeezes my hand. "That doesn't matter. This place is still special, Alex. It opened up a whole new world to us."

We walk down to the shoreline, still hand in hand. We take off our shoes and sit them down in the sand and then begin to walk along the shore, letting the warm water lap at our feet. It's a balmy evening and the water feels like bath water, but it's still nice.

"I love you, Alex. I am so happy that I'm going to be your wife tomorrow," Casey says suddenly, stopping us again so she can look at me. "And I know tonight isn't exactly what you had in mind…but it's what _I _had in mind. Revisiting the place that led us to being 'us'."

It's true; I hadn't wanted to go out. But now there's no other place I'd rather be. I'm feeling the emotions that are still here, and realizing how Casey feels. Being back here is almost like being back at the beginning.

So I get into the spirit. I pull Casey away from the shore and find us a nice place to sit down in the sand. She follows me without question and when we're sitting, I say, "I believe we were sitting in the sand stargazing," I recall, casting my eyes upwards. "But the sky is pretty scarce tonight. Not many stars." I look back down at her, focusing on her shining green eyes. "At least not any nearly as beautiful as those two green ones I love to look into."

Casey smiles at that. She reaches out and touches my forehead, and all I feel radiating from her is love and affection. And it feels indescribably good. I can't believe how lucky I am.

"And you're right - this is where 'we' started. I wouldn't change a thing." Casey smiles as I start to softly stroke her cheek, closing her eyes and leaning into my touch. "But there is one thing I'd like to change about it."

She pops her eyes open, actually looking alarmed. "What's that?"

I just grin at her. "This." I lean in and kiss her, the way I did the first time we sat on the beach. And she kisses me back the same way. The only difference is we stay locked together and savor every emotion of the moment.

When we finally break up our kiss and pull away from each other, both of us have tears in our eyes. I'm the first to speak. "I love you, Casey Novak. I'll love you forever…and even after that."

Casey starts to cry, and she can only nod at what I've just said, resting her head against me as I gently pepper her neck with sweet kisses and rub her arm. "I thought that kiss deserved a re-do. That's how it should have gone that night, Casey. With me staying by your side instead of running away."

After a few seconds, Casey is composed enough to speak. She looks at me with tear-filled eyes and says, "Let's just replace it with that."

I kiss her again, permanently replacing that awful image of Casey standing by her scooter with a devastated look on her face as I left in a cab with the image of us in each other's arms, together forever.

* * *

><p>"You look beautiful," mother says, placing her hands on my shoulders and gazing at me in the mirror.<p>

I take a look as well, and I do admit I look presentable. I think Casey is going to be happy with me. I've spent the past two hours getting my makeup and hair done by stylists my mother hired. We're in a private area of the Botanical Garden, away from Casey and the guests I know are packing the grounds. Dad is meant to be out there with Mr. Novak making sure things go smoothly and preparing to give his daughter away.

The hairstylist curled my hair just the way I had asked and the way I know Casey's likes, then put it up in a French bun leaving two curled strands loose on each side and then accenting the style with white rose clips and ribbons. It looks like something straight out of a bridal magazine. Which I guess it is.

Mother also insisted on finding us a photographer and setting everything up with him, but Casey and I had wanted to do that ourselves. After shopping around, we found a wedding photographer we were satisfied with out of Manhattan and had gone over all our options. In addition to regular prints, we also ordered an elaborate photo album. It's going to be white with our names and wedding date on the cover in gold lettering. We had chosen a good layout for the photos inside and a very nice feminine font for the text inside. We went a little overboard; the cost came to over a thousand dollars just for the album. I thought Casey was going to pass out when we were quoted the price. But I was able to convince her we needed it as a keepsake.

"You do look wonderful, Alex," my Aunt Kathy echoes, adjusting the straps on her dress. "Much more beautiful than we look in these awful bride's maid dresses."

Aunt Kathy is one of my five bridesmaids. Mother had wanted me to have more and normally I would have, but I knew that Casey didn't have a large group to choose from for hers, so I decided to keep it modest. Mother is my Matron of Honor, and my brides maid are my aunt Kathy, aunt Charlotte, my cousin Donna, and my two oldest friends from law school, Sherry and Kellie. Casey had chosen some cousins, an aunt, and a friend from childhood from hers.

Mother laughs at her sister. "You aren't supposed to come close to the beauty of the brides. And Casey picked out the bride's maid dresses; I think they're lovely."

"Because you don't have to wear one as the Matron of Honor," Aunt Kathy grumbles. "Your dress is nearly as elaborate as your daughter's."

I can't believe my aunt is carrying on like this. She has always been a fussy one, wanting things just so. I regretted asking her to be a bride's maid as soon as I had asked. Her main concern had been what the dresses would look like. I can't believe she wants to engage in a sisterly dispute with my mother right _now_, with less than hour to go before I walk down that aisle.

I turn around to face Aunt Kathy, trying to keep my temper in check. "I like the dresses too, Aunt Kathy. You only have to wear it one day out of your life." She looks away in shame, so I soften my tone. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to snap. My nerves are just jumbled up."

Mother nods, showing she understands. She turns to her sister. "Why don't you go make sure the other bride's maids are doing okay?"

As soon as Aunt Kathy has disappeared, I sigh and turn back to face mother. I can't believe how nervous I am. I'm actually shaking.

"I'm so nervous," I admit to mother. "I'm scared to death. And why? I love Casey and this is the happiest day of my life. But right now I want to cry or vomit or curl up into a ball."

Mother laughs at me, and then crouches down so she's eye-level with me in my chair. She adjusts one of the clips in my hair and then looks at me in the mirror again. "That's perfectly normal, honey. You just want everything to go smoothly and you're realizing that you're about to bound yourself to another person for the rest of your life. All your fears are haunting you. It's a lot of pressure. But every bride goes through this. And I'm sure Casey is just as scared."

I swallow a wave of nausea and force a light laugh. "I'm sure she isn't. Casey is so casual and mellow. She's probably cracking jokes with her family and making everyone laugh while I'm sitting here scared to death."

"I doubt that dear; I'm sure she's scared as well. And I'll bet she's getting just as dolled up as you are. Her dress is beautiful, Alex. You will love it."

"I'm sure I will," I tell her. It's Casey – how can I _not _love it?

Mother had been right – my fears are gripping me again. Thoughts that I won't be any good at marriage and balancing it with work are consuming me, even though I dealt with these fears month ago. I guess being moments away from walking down that aisle is making them resurface. And then I know that Casey probably _is _feeling the same thing. She's probably being faced with her insecurities about herself and fighting off the shakes and nausea too.

We're breaking some wedding rules today. Both of us are going to walk down the aisle with our fathers. We decide on Pachelbel's Canon in D for our wedding march song. I opted for no veil; I'm not sure about Casey. She wouldn't tell me anything about her dress or the accessories and neither would mother. We broke Cabot tradition by deciding on an orchestra and piano instead of a band for the ceremony. But our theory is that we're not a "traditional" couple per say, so why not be special?

Time ticks away and I spend it nervously chattering with my mother and getting reassurances that everything is set up and looks beautiful; and that it's _not _going to rain. I know every minute that ticks by is closer to me seeing my beautiful Casey and hearing the vows she wrote from her heart. I can only imagine how beautiful they are. I have mine memorized and can't wait to recite them to Casey. We agreed on a theme to our vows; opening with "When I tell you I love you, this is what I mean – " and then making a list of promises. When I starting writing mine I could have used up pages and pages, but it kept it realistic and appropriately long instead of excessively long.

And then finally, the time comes. It's time for me to meet my father and march down the aisle with him.

I can't even describe what I'm feeling now. Excitement, nervousness, anxiousness. This is the happiest day of my life but also the most terrifying.

We reach the rose garden – where we chose for our ceremony – and I gasp in shock at how beautiful everything is. I had expected it to be nice; but this is beyond my wildest dreams. This so beautiful that it deserves to be on the cover of wedding magazine or featured in a TV special.

The chairs for the guests are white velvet with purple trim and arranged so there are an equal amount on both sides of the aisle. Most of the seats are filled with our guests; I see only a few empty chairs. The wide aisle in between the seats is lush green grass covered with white rose petals and candles on both sides. There are flowers everywhere, and the beginning of the aisle is right next to the fountain, allowing me to stand next to it to admire the scene before me. Casey and I had talked about how we wanted it to look, but actually seeing it come to life is something else completely.

Beautiful arches are spaced out evenly the entire length of the grassy aisle. The arches are white with a colorful assortment of flowers and greenery. And the wedding arch – that we'll be married under – is solid ivory white.

Casey and I had wanted our bridesmaids already assembled when we each walk down the aisle. My bridesmaids are patiently waiting on the right of the arch near the pastor and Casey's are on the left.

Everyone has turned to look at me. I have that deer-caught-in-a-headlight expression. I've marched into a courtroom full of confidence many times and had all eyes on me, but nothing can compare to this. In the courtroom I was calm and collected Alex Cabot. Right now I'm shaking with nerves and insecure Alex Cabot.

My father approaches me, wearing a very wide smile. He's dressed in a white suit; something he normally would be appalled to have on. But Casey and I had asked both of our fathers to wear white to coordinate with our colors. And of course our daddies can't refuse their little girls.

Dad had a haircut a couple days ago and his salt and pepper hair is finely coifed and the smile on his handsome face is genuine. He steps forward and takes my arm, and then tells me, "You look beautiful, honey."

I give him a hug. "I love you, daddy."

The orchestra then starts to play "Pachelbel's Canon" and I start to move slowly down the aisle on my father's right arm and my mother by my left side. I'm so emotional right now that I seek out my mother's hand and squeeze it tightly. I can tell she's holding back tears. She is so happy and proud of me.

I see a lot of familiar faces in the crowd as I continue to make my way down the aisle. I spot Liz Donnelly and Lena Petrovsky, as well as many of my ADAs and co-workers of Casey's. Senator Palmer gives me a smile from his seat as I walk by him. I see the Special Victims gang near the front with my family. Finn, Munch, Cragen, Amanda, Amaro…everyone is here to share our special day.

We reach the end of the aisle, and my bridesmaid all smile at me reassuringly and tell me how beautiful I look. I'm still so dazed by the beauty of everything and the emotions of the day that all I can do is nod.

My dad tells me he loves me and gives me a kiss on the cheek before releasing my arm and stepping off to the side. Mother stays by my side, still holding my hand.

The next few minutes waiting for Casey are short, but it seems like hours. I want her here with me now. I want to be looking into her beautiful green eyes and declaring my undying love for her. I want to put her wedding ring on and promise my love to her forever.

And then it happens; Casey enters, and my heart nearly stops. Her father is on her arm and the music starts playing again as she makes her way down the aisle.

I'm so glad I chose to wear my glasses at the ceremony or else I wouldn't be able to see her beauty until she was right in front of me.

She is break taking. I can't take my eyes off her. Her dress is white with pink flowers and sparkly beading along the bottom section. She too opted not to wear a veil, but instead has a beautiful white and pink bridal tiara. I love it right away; she looks like a beautiful princess out of a fairytale.

Her eyes don't scan the crowd as mine did – they focus on me and only me. She's smiling and as she gets closer, I can see she's crying.

Her hair is in nearly an identical style to mine and as she takes another step forward, I see she has sparkles on her cheeks. It matches the sparkles on her dress and tiara and the sunlight hits it just right, causing it to practically glow. It's absolutely beautiful. She's also wearing a beautiful pearl necklace. Casey is a dream come true.

All my nervousness is suddenly gone and been replaced by sheer happiness and joy. Casey is more beautiful than an angel and she's getting closer to me every second and every second means we're closer to being joined for eternity.

I think my heart is going to leap right out of my chest. She's almost here. I can almost reach out and grab her. It's taking everything I have not to. I know it's not appropriate right now.

She finally steps up beside me and I give her the biggest smile of my life as her father kisses her cheek and tells her that he loves her. His suit is nearly identical to my father's; the only difference is he has a tad less gray in his hair. After he's let go of Casey, he turns to me and with a smile whispers, "Take care of my girl."

I can't push any words past my lips, so I just nod and give him the most sincere smile I can.

Casey immediately takes my hand. She's still crying, and her face is red in embarrassment from doing so. "I'm so sorry…I told myself I wouldn't cry….I'm ruining my makeup."

The sight of her crying and blushing and making her makeup run is just too heartwarming and cute. I know I'm not supposed to, but I reach out and hug her anyway. I whisper in here ear, "It's okay. You are beautiful."

She pulls away and gazes at me, taking my hand again. Then she whispers back, "So are you."

Pastor Jeff lets us have our momentary exchange before he gets down to business. He introduces us to our friends and families and other guests and then begins to recite a bible verse.

I hear his voice, but what he is saying doesn't register in my mind at all. All I'm thinking about is that I'm moments away from becoming Mrs. Cabot. Moments away from making this beautiful woman standing next to me my partner for life.

God, she is so beautiful. The tiara was a perfect choice; it fits her so well. I wonder if it was Casey's idea or my mother's. The flowers and the sparkles on the tiara really highlight her read hair. And the sparkles on her cheeks are glimmering angelically. There is not a single flaw to be found in her. And her heart and soul is just as beautiful as the rest of her.

Finally, the moment we've been waiting for comes – it's time for Casey and I to recite the vows we so lovingly prepared. I find myself shaking again; what if mine aren't good enough? Casey is better at sentimental speeches than I am; what if her vows put mine to shame?

Pastor Jeff asks who would like to go first, and I find myself volunteering. I turn towards Casey and squeeze her hand harder. And as soon as my eyes are back on hers, all my fears vanish. I see love reflecting back at me in those beautiful green orbs, and I realize that it doesn't matter what I say. Casey knows my true feelings and she knows I speak from the heart.

So with a shaking voice, I begin.

"I, Alex Cabot, pledge myself to you, Casey Novak, for the reminder of my life. I love you. And when I say I love you, what I mean is…Everything within me, from my deepest thoughts to the goosebumps and butterflies in my stomach right now, and especially my heart which beats only for you, tells me that it is right to commit my life to building a life with you…because I believe we are stronger together than we are apart and that we can grow more in our intellect, our compassion, and in our love than we could alone.

I promise to stand firm beside you as your partner in pursuing knowledge, adventure, peace, and responsibility. I promise to love and honor who you are rather than who I imagine you to be, and I promise to present myself honestly and openly to you. I promise to support you when your strength is challenged and to ask for your help in my weakness. I promise to hold you as completely in my heart in the difficult times as in the joyous ones.

I promise to be open to growth and change and the unexpected as we, as individuals, grow and change.

And, finally, I promise to be open to laughter and wonder and mystery and, most importantly, to any changes in our lives as long as it's together.

We haven't been together as long as a lot of couples, but a measure of time is nothing compared to a measure of the heart. I'm a better person with you, Casey. Knowing you're by my side and you love you every day is the only thing that keeps me going. I've changed who I was since I met you. Not _for _you; because of you. Because you showed me how life is meant to be lived and what love truly is. You opened my eyes to new life experiences and I've loved every moment with you. I love you and everything that makes you unique – your sense of humor, your outlook on life, your honesty and even your video games and motorcycle."

Casey is crying again but smiles at that.

I have to take a deep breath before I can finish. "You make my joys greater and my sorrows more bearable, and you make my spirit feel known. From this day forward, you are my wife and companion, and I promise to be a loving and faithful wife for the rest of our lives."

It's my turn to be the emotional wreck now. I start sobbing as soon as I finish speaking. Off to the side I hear my mother gently crying as well, and muttering about how beautiful my words were.

I can tell Casey wants to say something in response, but she's sobbing too hard. She just nods at me and squeezes my hand while both of us stand there and cry like two children. Someone hands Pastor Jeff a box of tissues which he passes to us, and I'm completely mortified to have to accept them. I've attended a lot of weddings and never seen both parties break down completely like this.

But I guess it goes to show how deep our love is.

Pastor John gives us a few minutes to pull ourselves together before he asks Casey if she's ready to recite her vows. She's stopped sobbing and nods confidently as she locks her eyes on me again and I see her take a deep breath.

Then she starts. "I, Casey Novak, choose you, Alex Cabot, to be my wife. I love you. And when I tell you I love you, this is what I mean: You are the one for whom I have waited. You have brought me more peace and steadiness than I have ever known, and the days since I met you have been the best days of my life. Your smile, your deep convictions, your passion and compassion, your beauty, your laughter, your newfound sense of adventure, your intelligence, your wisdom, your courage, your kindness and the lessons of your experiences enrich me in every moment I spend with you.

I offer you my history, with its pride and its regret; my future, walking with you wherever we go; This present moment, which explodes with more joy than a moment should be able to hold. All of my joy and fear, my sadness and my courage, my success and failure, my humor and despair, my loneliness and my connectedness.

I promise to laugh with you and to laugh at myself. I promise to take you seriously when seriousness is called for. I promise to hold you while you cry, and to cry while you hold me. I promise to care for you as best I can, and to encourage you to stretch and grow and care for yourself. I promise to love myself as I am and as the one whom you have chosen. I promise to support you in sharing your gifts with others, to encourage your generosity and your chosen responses to your many callings. I promise to listen to you, respect and consider your thoughts and beliefs, and to heed your challenges to my own. I promise to rest with you, and to seek balance between work and play.

I promise to continue to give you a letter professing my love every week, and that I'll never tire of it or run out of things to say.

I promise you nothing less than the rest of my life. You are my closest friend as well as my lover, and I give you myself. This is what I mean when I tell you that I love you.

I can't imagine my life without you now. I went through a dark period of time when I questioned if life was worth living at all. I had no one to walk beside me or guide me through life's trials, so I had decided it wasn't. I made some unfortunate choices at that time, but I realize now it was a for a reason. I needed to discover for myself that I was worth something, that life wasn't meant to be lived in despair. And I did. I did realize that. I realized it the day you got into your car accident. I realized that I was here for a reason; to take care of you and keep you safe. I was meant to love you and you were meant to love me. Love has its ups and downs and we'll have our share arguments and disagreements, but at the end of the day we will know we love each other. Even each other's stubbornness and my inability to filter what I say.

And finally, I promise to love you in good times and in bad, with all I have to give and all that I am, in the only way I know how – completely and forever. I have found my soul mate."

Casey manages to make it all the way through her vows without crying again, but once it's over I see the tears in her eyes. They run down her sparkly cheeks and I immediately reach out to wipe them away, pulling back a sparkly finger.

That was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. I can't imagine any words ever being more powerful. I could hear the sincerity and love in every word Casey said.

The Pastor now asks for the rings, and I see my cousin Kimberly rise with her seven year-old daughter Ella. She hands her a white velvet pillow, and Ella excitedly runs down the aisle towards us.

I can't help but smile. Ella has the biggest smile on her face and is wearing the cutest white dress with a bow in her hair. She's very excited to have the title of "ring bearer".

She comes up to stand in front of us and presents us with the rings. Both of them are held in place with elegant pink ribbons and I make sure I only look at Casey's as I take it from the pillow. Casey offers me her hand, and I slide off her engagement ring. Her wedding band snaps right into place underneath the engagement rings, its diamonds identical. I smile as I hold the ring in my hand. Now it's complete.

I slide it back onto Casey's finger, and she marvels at how beautiful it is. Her eyes are filling with tears as she shakily retrieves my ring from the pillow and I hold my hand out to her. She fumbles to remove my engagement ring and I realize she's just as nervous about presenting her ring as I had been about delivering my vows. And I know why; she's afraid it will be inferior.

My wedding ring fits together with my engagement ring almost the same way Casey's does and she puts it back in its rightful place on my finger. I take a look at it and gasp. Casey had nothing to worry about; the ring looks as gorgeous as she is. I love it.

I want to kiss her so badly but I know we have to wait until we're told to do so by the pastor.

A short time after our ring exchange, Pastor Jeff makes his pronunciation of our union. He smiles widely and tells our guests, "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – Alex and Casey Cabot."

He gives us permission to kiss and we do so, passionately and deeply. We can hear our guests clapping and cheering and the orchestra starts to play again. This is the best kiss of my life. It's my first kiss as a married woman. It actually feels different. It feels more special, more meaningful.

We allow the kiss to last longer than it should, and when we end it, we continue to stare into each other's eyes. I bring my hands up and hold both sides of Casey's face. This is my Casey. This is my _wife. _And I love her.

And I'll love her forever.

* * *

><p>This day has been wonderful. Perfect. There's not a single thing about today I will forget.<p>

Casey's beauty in her dress, her wonderful vows, the feel of her hand in mine as she was called Casey Cabot. The limo ride to the reception, the orchestra playing "Unforgettable" as we made our grand entrance. My mother's wonderful teary speech; Mr. Novak's dedication to our new life together. The beautiful decorations and glorious Chinese buffet catered just for us.

We had decided to have the meal and speeches before the dance floor opened. The buffet line went pretty quickly and everyone seemed to enjoy the meal. Neither Casey nor I had much of an appetite due to the excitement of the day but Casey found it amusing that she opened a fortune cookie that told her she had nothing but happiness ahead.

Our cake had been perfect. We cut it right after the meal. We had agreed beforehand not to shove either of our faces in it and there was a moment I feared Casey was going to break the agreement and plunge my face into my piece, but luckily she didn't.

But this moment here now, my arms locked around Casey, sharing our first dance as the Cabot's, is going to live most vividly in my mind. The Orchestra is playing a song that Mr. Novak dedicated to us – I'm not sure what song it is – but it's beautiful. It allows us to dance slowly, savoring the feel of our arms around each other and marveling at each other's beauty.

"I love the tiara, Casey. You'd better keep that on our dresser," I tell Casey in a whisper. We have our foreheads pressed together and this moment feels private, even though there are hundreds of sets of eyes on us.

Casey's body is so warm and the fabric of her beautiful dress is soft against my own body. She hasn't said a word since our dance started. I think the excitement and happiness of the day is starting to take its toll on her.

Finally, she speaks. "I am the happiest girl in the world, Alex. Thank you so much for marrying me."

Her voice is shaking with emotion so I kiss her cheek, right on the scar. "You make it sound like a job. And you aren't the happiest girl; I am."

Casey pulls her face away so she can see me and smiles. "You have sparkles on your lips now," she tells me.

"So kiss me so you do too," I'm quick to answer.

She happily obliges and I disappear into a fog of complete relaxation and happiness as my body becomes one with my wife's. The dance is almost sexual in a way. All the guests disappear, the room disappears, the music disappears and then it's just us.

When our dance has almost ended, Casey rests her head against me. I catch a whiff of the sweet perfume she wore today, which is different than her usual perfume. It has a very floral scent, which is a perfect selection for the day. I reach up and stroke her soft hair before telling her I love her again.

The dance ends way too soon and then my mother announces that the dance floor is open to our guests. Everyone rises from their seats and makes their way to the dance floor, but Casey and I opt to go sit down.

We get compliments and well wishes from literally hundreds of guests as we're sitting down. We hold hands the entire time and watch our friends and family enjoy themselves and make fools of themselves while dancing.

And then a couple I never expected to see comes over to our table – Elliot and Kathy Stabler.

I had not seen them at the wedding but I'm very happy to see them. I rise immediately and greet them both with a hug and Casey does the same.

"Surprised to see us, Counselor?" Elliot asks with a light laugh. "Casey sent us an invitation. You don't think I'd miss this, do you?"

To be honest, I had never thought to invite them. How bad is that? Thankfully Casey is more thoughtful than me. But I'm really surprised Elliot came. He hasn't been around much since he left Special Victims.

We chat with Elliot and Kathy for several minutes. They catch us up on their children, and we catch them up on our lives. They knew I had been promoted to DA but didn't know about Casey's new job.

They leave us several minutes later to go have another dance, and Casey and I actually have a few minutes alone. Don't get me wrong; we're grateful for all the kind words and attention we have received today, but we're craving some alone time. And I think Casey is becoming a little overwhelmed by it all.

Our moment of alone time is short-lived. Senator Palmer makes his way over to us and congratulates us again on our nuptials and tells us how beautiful everything was. It's not until we're engaged in conversation that I realize he's holding his left arm behind his back, as if hiding something.

"Do you have something you want to show us?" I ask skeptically, raising my eyebrows. I hope it doesn't have to do with Casey's work. He wouldn't pull that at our wedding…would he? I certainly hope not.

He keeps a serious expression on his face and says, "I understand you two are going to Florida for your honeymoon?"

I answer this one. "Yes. Universal Studios, Sea World, the beach…it has everything."

He is letting a smile slowly creep onto his face. "If you've already booked the trip, I certainly hope you can get a refund."

Casey and I look at each in confusion. I'm about to ask him to clarify, when he sets a pamphlet down on the table. The worlds "_Escape to Costa Rica_" and the beautiful beach scene on the front immediately catches my eye.

Before either of us can say anything, he says, "You guys are going to Costa Rica. The whole staff pitched in and we all rented you a beautiful house on a private beach for ten days. You'll have your own cook and a maid. You won't have to lift a finger; you'll just be there to relax and enjoy each other."

Casey and I exchange glances again. We can't accept such a gift; especially considering who it's coming from.

I guess it's apparent from our expressions that we're going to object, because Senator Palmer shakes his head and says, "This is non-negotiable and non-refundable, ladies. Just go and have a good time. I have the airline tickets in my office; I'll get them to you by Monday. You leave a week from today." He looks at his watch. "I'm sorry I have to duck out, but I'm glad I was able to attend. Congratulations again."

He then turns and walks away without another word, leaving us flabbergasted as we look over the Costa Rica vacation pamphlet. It looks downright stunning.

"This is too much, Alex, we can't – "

Casey is interrupted by someone clearing their throat behind us. And then a voice says, "Congratulations guys."

We both turn around at the same time – and I'm shocked beyond belief to see Olivia standing in front of our table.

She's smiling at us warmly, wearing a beige dress and light makeup. Her eyes travel first to me and then to Casey.

"Olivia…" I start, and stop myself from saying what else is on my tongue. Somehow the words 'What are you doing here?' sound too rude and harsh in my mind.

Casey reacts better than I do. She stands up and smiles at Olivia, reaching out to shake her hand. "Thank you for coming. It means a lot to us both." She releases Olivia's hand and then looks at me, reading my confused expression. "I sent her an invitation."

Olivia's eyes are on me. "I didn't feel comfortable enough to come to the wedding…but I at least wanted to show up at the reception to congratulate you guys and apologize in person to Casey for what happened between us."

Casey smiles and takes my hand again. "It's okay. It's history. And it has a good ending, anyway."

It's just that easy with Casey. She can forgive in half a second; can even forgive Olivia for what she did. Or maybe she's just acting professionally in front of her and hiding her true feelings.

I finally stand as well and shake Olivia's hand. I do owe her some civility; she did get Casey's ring back after all. A small part of me does still yearn to be her friend, but I know we have a ways to go before that could happen. It will be hard to be friends with someone I know still has deep feelings for me.

It's pretty apparent that I don't know what to say, so Olivia takes the pressure off me. "I won't take any more of your time. I just wanted to say congratulations and wish you both the best. Oh, and we brought a gift for you."

I frown. "_We?"_

Olivia smiles and turns towards the dance floor. "That's Renee," she says, pointing to a shorter dark-haired girl in an almost identical dress who is talking to someone else on the dance floor. She turns back towards us, still all smiles. "My girlfriend."

I find myself smiling and I get an involuntary warm feeling inside that takes me a few minutes to realize is true happiness for Olivia. She has found someone. The smile she's wearing tells me she likes this girl and I hope it's enough for her to finally get over me and move on with her life.

Olivia lingers a few minutes longer, gauging our reactions. Casey is the first to congratulate her, and then it's my turn. I give Olivia a genuine smile and I speak truthfully, from the heart. "I am very happy for you, Olivia. I hope things work out."

She nods and then makes her way over to her girlfriend, and I think in that moment she is letting me go for good. She doesn't even look back at me as she taps Renee on the shoulder. Renee turns around and hugs her excitedly, and they share a passionate kiss. I can't help but smile as I watch them start to dance to the next song.

I'm free of Olivia now. She's accepted that I will never be hers in the way that she wants. She's accepted that I've chosen a life with Casey.

A life filled with happiness and love.

* * *

><p>Casey lays her naked freshly showered body next to mine and sighs.<p>

"I am so happy, Alex. And exhausted. This day has been wonderful and exhilarating, but also emotionally draining. I cried for most of the ceremony. I'm so tired that I could fall asleep right now."

I turn onto my side and start to trace Casey's back with my fingers. I'm exhausted too, but we both know we're not going to sleep tonight.

Casey rolls onto her side so she can face me and we warmly gaze at each other. Her makeup and sparkles have been washed off, but she's still so breathtaking. I can't resist reaching out to touch her. It's something I'm positive I'll never tire of.

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that this beautiful woman is now my wife – my other half – for life. I can't believe this day has come and gone.

"Are you happy to be a Cabot?" I ask her.

She smiles sweetly and touches my cheek, causing goosebumps to form under her touch. "I love it." Then after a short pause, she adds, "Before the ceremony started, I threw up twice."

"Aww, you did?"

She smiles again. "Yeah. I was pretty terrified. I had these visions of getting to the altar and not seeing you there, finding out you had changed your mind. I knew it wouldn't happen and that it was a ridiculous fear, but I couldn't help it. I still can't believe someone like you chose me. It still doesn't seem real."

I give her a kiss on the lips and then I move down to her neck just to tease her. She groans when I pull away from her. "We chose each other, Casey."

She has tears in her eyes now and she wipes them away with her hand. "God, I'm an emotional wreck…I haven't stopped crying all day…"

I lightly laugh at how cute she looks and pull her against my chest, holding her there with one arm. "It's okay. I know they're good tears. Just let them out; there's no shame in crying. Your vows were beautiful, Casey. I loved them."

She lifts her head and looks at me, her eyes red and her cheeks tear-stained. I almost laugh at her again. _Almost_. "So were yours. And I meant what I said about the letters. I'm going to give you one every Friday night and we can put it in the book and cuddle up together to read it."

That sounds perfect. Absolutely perfect. I love what my future looks like right now. Nothing but love and happiness.

Casey and I hold each other, and I run my finger over my beautiful ring. Just the knowledge that I'm wearing this for the rest of my life fills my heart with joy and pride. I'm never taking it off.

I can tell Casey is starting to drift off on me. Poor baby; she did do a lot of crying today and that does exhaust you quickly. And on top of that, we were going non-stop all day. She deserves a rest…but not right now.

I stoke her hair gently. "You still with me, baby?"

"Um-hmm," she answers. "I'm using your love to recharge myself." I laugh and she suddenly lifts her head off me and grins devilishly at me. "It's our first night as a married couple…I'm going to make you squeal like an animal."

I raise my eyebrows sexily at her, getting very excited by those words. "Really? You think so? You think you can make _me _squeal? What about the neighbors?"

Casey shrugs. "Screw them. This is _our _night. And when we're finished, I'm prosecuting you."

I'm really amused now. "I thought you gave up that line of work? And what charges are you filing against me?"

Her smile grows wider. "You're exceeding the legal level of hotness."

I'm about to respond but before I can get a word out, Casey makes me sit up. She pushes me back against the headboard of our bed with so much force that I actually hit the back of my head on it. She apologizes and then climbs onto my lap, capturing my lips with hers and making me forget the dull ache in my head from where it just collided with the headboard.

She straddles me expertly and slides her hand between my thighs. I immediately tighten my thighs around her hand and feel myself get wet with anticipation and excitement. I'm already breathing heavily, knowing exactly what she's going to do and wanting her to do it already.

But instead of proceeding to my sweet spot, Casey kisses her way up my stomach to my neck, never once removing her hand from between my thighs. She's using her free hand to fondle my breasts and I suddenly can't hold back my cries of pleasure any more.

Casey smiles in satisfaction as I've let out my first pleasure-filled moan. She kisses my lips and holds her face mere inches from mine. "Enjoying this, Mrs. Cabot?" she teases.

All I can do is nod. I'm sweating and my heart is beating so quickly I swear it's going to pound right out of my chest. And then Casey ends my suspense; she gives me what I want. She plunges her hand inside me and I immediately close around her hand and release my juices. I grip our bedspread and moan over and over again in pleasure.

Casey is really enjoying herself. She loves bringing me so much pleasure. She pushes in further and thrusts her hand, and I momentarily feel pain but it quickly passes and all I focus on is my wife and how much happiness she's bringing me right now.

"Am I hurting you?" Casey asks in alarm, but I just shake my head and beg her to keep going. Any small bit of discomfort I'm feeling pales in comparison to the pleasure of her touch.

Casey withdraws her hand after a few minutes and tickles the outer lips of my center. That sends me into another moan, to which Casey responds to by massaging my thighs and kissing my breasts.

By this time I'm moaning a chorus of "Yes" and I don't stop until Casey has finished.

After several minutes, she stops. She collapses onto her back next to me and pulls on my arm, inviting me to get on top of her. And I know that it's now her turn; I need to pleasure her like she pleasured me.

I'm careful not to have a repeat performance of the last time I climbed on top of her, just last night. I had accidentally put my knee right in her stomach and I had thought her groaning was in pleasure until she had managed to ask me to remove my knee. Needless to say, I was super apologetic and extra gentle.

This time I vow to only bring my wife pleasure, not pain. I know what Casey likes and where she likes me to begin, so I lower myself down to her and start to lick her breasts. She stiffens and grabs the back of my head and presses me into her harder. I lick my way up to the nipple, and then I reach down and put one finger inside her before I gently start to nibble on her nipple.

Casey immediately moans long and loudly, saying my name with passion over and over again as I finger her and continue to nibble on her. This combination turns her on so much. I can feel my body slapping against her sweaty one, and her breathing begins to quicken.

I finally take my mouth away from her breasts and lower my face to her ear. I whisper in a seductive voice, "You liking this, Mrs. Cabot? You want some more?"

"God, YES!"

I have her just where I want her. I smile and plunge two fingers inside her at once. She groans as my fingers slide in, and then she closes around them and holds on tight. I'm rubbing her thighs and legs as I finger her, and she never once ceases her vocalizations of pleasure. She had wanted to me make me squeal like an animal; but it seems _I'm _making _her _squeal instead.

I've never tried three fingers on Casey before because I know how painful it was when I had asked Olivia to try three fingers inside me early in our relationship. But I decide to try it.

"Casey, I'm putting in another finger. If this hurts too much, let me know, okay?"

She just nods quickly and I slowly insert another finger. I watch her wince as it slides in and I nearly pull it out because I know it's hurting her, but she tells me to continue. Once I'm inside as far as I can go, she relaxes a little. She's breathing so heavily now that she can't even catch her breath.

I finger her for a moment or two longer, and then pull my fingers out. They're sticky with Casey's juices. She moans a little when she realizes I've left her, but I quickly make up for my exit. I attack her neck and suck on her ear until she closes her arms around me and I collapse against her, my strength expired.

We lay there sticking to each other's sweaty bodies and stroking each other's matted hair. I can't describe the feeling of this moment. I've just made love and had love made to me by Casey Cabot; my partner for life.

I have no more fears about my future. Because I know that this is it – Casey and me, together. No matter where we are, no matter what we do…we'll be together.

And that's what matters.

**So...what did you think? Did you like what Casey did on the night before, and wedding and the surprise that Senator Palmer had for them? How about Olivia's appearance? The honeymoon epilogue will be up by early next week. Please review and let me know what you thought about the final chapter!**


	41. EPILOGUE

**Here it is - the FINAL installment of "This Glassy Surface"! I want to thank all my readers for a very fun ride. I've really loved doing this story. I started in late December and it is now the end of July. Wow. Thank you for reading and all the reviews. I made a lot of great friends while working on this story. I especially want to thank Tracer0403 for her input on this story. Also a big shout out to momonono and Blitz1030 for being especially supportive. And thank you to ALL my loyal readers! I hope you will join me on the next Alex/Casey story.**

**JUST A NOTE: The end of this story contains a very hot scene...don't read if it isn't your thing.  
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**Anyway; I've taken up enough of your time. Dig in and enjoy!  
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We've been in Costa Rica at our private beach house for two days. It's rained nonstop since we arrived.

As the rain starts to pelt down harder on the roof, I sigh and cuddle closer to Casey on the couch. She fidgets a little and I kiss the top of her head to keep her in place. "I think Senator Palmer purposely chose these dates for us to come here before he knew it was going to rain and we'd be stuck inside and forced to cuddle."

Casey sighs as well and snuggles down in my arms. "I'm not complaining. I'm really enjoying myself. Even if we haven't gotten a chance to utilize that beach out there. The place is still beautiful."

She's right about that. The beach house is perfect. Everything is brand new; the furniture and appliances, and even the carpet and tiled floors look new. It's two levels, with a winding marble staircase leading to the second level. The upper level opens up onto a very vast balcony overlooking the beach. And the master bedroom downstairs that we've been using has a marshmallow bed. That thing is glorious. It's the softest thing I've ever slept on – besides my wife, of course. You lay in it and it engulfs you in softness. I may have to consider getting us one for home.

As nice as the house and beach is, it's nothing compared to the feeling of knowing that Casey is my wife; now and forever. It can't even begin to compare to the joy and pride that fills me when I look at my ring or see Casey's on her finger. Everything around us could just disappear and it could just be Casey and I and I would still love it. It would still be special.

"I checked the forecast. It's supposed to stop raining tomorrow. So stop whining. And I have a surprise for you," Casey says with a smile, giving off the aura of mystery. "Want to see?"

I groan, holding her tighter against me. "Not if it involves you getting up right now. I'm rather enjoying you like this."

Casey ignores my pathetic comment and kisses my forehead, getting up off my lap and causing me to groan again. "Don't be a baby. I'll be right back. Don't move."

She disappears down the hall towards the bedroom and I stay right where I am, lying on the back on the couch. I want her to resume her position when she returns.

A few seconds later Casey is standing in front of the couch. She has two black t-shirts draped over her arm. "These are kind of a joke…but I think they're cute too. I had them made for us." She picks up one and tosses it at me.

I immediately sit up and look at the shirt. And as soon as I see it, a smile spreads across my face. The words "I'm Half of Calex" are printed across the front in white lettering, inside half of a red heart. I look at Casey and she holds out the other one for me to see it. It's identical, and the heart half on hers is the missing piece of mine.

Casey shrugs and looks away, seemingly embarrassed. "I know they're silly…but I couldn't resist. We can just wear them around home if you want."

I can't believe Casey did this. It's so adorable…and so Casey. I look at the shirt again, put it on, and then grab Casey's hand and tug her back down to the couch. She falls down beside me and I immediately wrap her up in a hug and give her a kiss. "They are perfect, Casey; I love them. How thoughtful and cute."

As I pull away from her, Casey beams proudly. "That's me – Mrs. Thoughtful and Cute."

I know it is; but she's right. I don't know anyone else as thoughtful or cute as Casey. She's one of a kind. And she's all mine.

Casey puts on her Calex shirt as well and then suddenly snaps her fingers and get up off the couch. "Oh! I know what we can do! I brought something from home that would be perfect right about now."

"What would be perfect right about now is you curled up on me again," I tell her, patting my lap for her to sit down.

"We've been cuddling for two days. Not that I don't enjoy it, babe, but I would like to do something else too. We're in _Costa Rica_. How often do we go to Costa Rica?"

"Well tomorrow we'll go into town and check out those cute outdoor markets if it doesn't rain. And we'll enjoy our beach. So can we cuddle for one more day?"

I know I sound desperate and pathetic, but I can't help it. Since we've been married all I've wanted to do is touch and kiss Casey. It was exactly a week between our wedding and honeymoon and it was the longest week of my life. Every day at work I strived to get things done quickly so I could go home to my wife. And Casey did the same. Every night I came home to a wonderful meal that Casey cooked for me. She makes me feel so special; and I want to make her feel just as special.

Casey smiles at me again. She leans forward and gives me a kiss full of tease. "We'll cuddle tonight, baby – I promise. But right now I have something in mind that would be fun."

I groan my consent and Casey starts to disappear down the hall again. I call after her, in my best pathetic voice, "Don't leave me again!"

She tosses over her shoulder, "I'm going to see if there's a nice Costa Rican chick in our bed."

I roll my eyes as she vanishes from my sight. What is she planning on subjecting me to? I know it can't possibly be her motorcycle, so I'm in the clear there. But it could be almost anything else.

I turn my head and look at the shirt sitting beside me on the couch. A sudden thought occurs to me and I quickly take my shirt off and replace it with the Calex shirt. It fits me perfectly. I run my fingers across the print on the front and I smile, knowing those words are true – I _am _part of Calex.

Casey finally comes back. I hear her enter and I ask, "Was there a chick in there?" without even looking at her.

"Yes. But she doesn't like redheads so she left," Casey answers.

"Aww, who doesn't like redheads?" I ask, finally looking at Casey. What she's holding in her hands is worse than I possibly could have imagined. "No!" I object, knowing full well what I am in for. "Not Pictionary!"

It's Casey new favorite game. She makes me play it with her all the time at home. And now it's here. I hadn't known she packed it; otherwise it would have been "accidentally" left behind.

Casey clutches the box and smiles sweetly. "Yes, Pictionary. I figured we might have some downtime. It's so much fun to play."

I groan. "No it's not."

"Then why do we both end up in fits of laughter when we play?"

She's right; we do. Neither of us can draw and our pictures are so horrible and messy and we can never guess them correctly, so all we do is laugh. I don't like playing games but once I actually get into this one, it's fun. With Casey anyway. _She _makes it fun.

I grudgingly sit down at the glass table while Casey gets the game set up. She sweetly labels my drawing pad "Baby's" and hers "Mine" and takes a seat across from me.

"Can we not use the hourglass?" I ask her, watching as she sits it down between us. "Beat the clock is a lot of pressure."

She responds to my request my picking it up, locking her eyes on mine, and slamming it down on the table closer to me.

I guess that answers that question.

Casey volunteers to go first and as I watch in amusement as she draws her card and studies it, then flips over the hourglass. She goes to work drawing on her pad. I should be watching what she's drawing, but instead I'm watching her. She's adorable. She has a little piece of hair that keeps falling in her eyes as she looks down and draws. She keeps pushing it away with her left hand but it just keeps falling back over her eyes. She's busily sketching away, totally unaware that I'm staring at her. I stifle a laugh. Could she _be _any cuter?

She finally finishes her drawing and turns the paper around so I can see it. It's a series of four drawings. Only one of which I can make out – the first one looks like an eye.

And the rest? The rest would be pure stab-in-the-dark guesses. So I start tossing stuff out there. "An eye for eye?" She shakes her head. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?" Again, no. "The magic eye?" No.

If I can't even guess what the first drawing signifies, I might as well give up on the rest. Having half the puzzle won't do it. The hourglass is getting down there and I toss out a few more guesses; really stretching it now.

After I've exhausted my imagination on Casey's bad drawing, I give up.

"Okay, I give up! What the heck is it?"

Casey smiles. She points at the first picture. "That's an eye."

"I got that," I tell her. "I can tell that's an eye."

She taps her finger on the next picture. "That's a heart."

It doesn't look like a heart to me. It looks like a bad circle with a dent in the top. I scrunch up my face at it. "Wow. You better not quit your day job."

She kicks me under the table and keeps going. The next drawing I have absolutely _no clue _about. It's a stick figure that looks like it's clutching its chest. "This one?" she asks.

"I have no idea. A heart attack?"

That makes her smile a little. "No, dummy. The person is pointing at themselves."

I frown in confusion. "It looks like they're clutching their chest…"

"Well they're not. They're pointing," she clarifies. "And the last one." She points to the final picture, which I can now tell is two fingers with a ring on each. "It's supposed to signify 'wife'."

I raise my eyebrows at her. "Okay…"

She laughs in amusement. "Alex, you are too cute. For a smart person, you sure are naïve sometimes." She rises out of her seat and comes around to where I'm sitting. She sits right on my lap, and I intertwine my fingers with hers. She points to the series of drawings again. "Put it together. Eye, heart, person pointing at themselves, wife."

I think for a moment. And then it occurs to me. "I love my wife," I say with a proud smile. Casey nods. That is _so _sweet. I give her hand a squeeze and kiss her neck. "That's adorable, baby. But I know that's not what you card said."

"No; it's not." She tucks her head under my chin and I start to stroke her arm. "But it's what my heart said."

That simple statement leads to us somehow ending up on the hardwood floor of the kitchen. I'm on my back and Casey is on top of me, feeling me up underneath my shirt while our tongues fight for dominance.

"God you're sexy…" I manage to eek out in the split second that Casey's mouth is off mine. She quickly reattaches it, preventing me from speaking further.

When she's finished assaulting me with her mouth, she tears my Calex shirt off and sits up just long enough to remove hers as well. My back is hurting from being pressed against the hardwood floor but that doesn't stop me from clawing at her in anticipation.

"God, we're like horny teenagers! It's like I'm about to score with the cheerleader!" I tell her, my voice full of amusement.

Casey – now devoid of her shirt _and _bra – places one arm on each side of me and leans down seductively. "We're newlyweds; nearly identical to teenagers in terms of sex drive. And besides, I was never a cheerleader…I was a geek."

"Mmmh…hottest geek I've ever seen," I tell her, placing my hand on the small of her back as she feverishly works to unclasp my bra.

And then it happens.

There's a loud gasp behind us, followed by an abrupt exclamation in an accented voice. Casey jumps off me and we both scramble for our shirts desperately.

It's Marta, our hired maid. She's to come by every afternoon at two…and I guess we got otherwise occupied and forgot today.

I steal a glance at Casey. She looks as about embarrassed as I am. She has her shirt back on already and I can tell her brain is trying to get the appropriate words to her mouth so she can come up with some sort of explanation for what Marta just saw.

Luckily my brain works faster. My shirt is back on as well and I feel my face growing crimson red. Marta is staring at us as if we just set the place on fire. I can't tell if she's angry or embarrassed or both.

Finally, she speaks again. Her English isn't that good and her voice is laced with a heavy Spanish accent but I can make out her words perfectly. "That for bedroom. I must do my job."

I nod civilly and respectfully and start to gather our game up off the table. I'm still so embarrassed that I can't look the woman in the eyes. But what did she expect, really? Even though we should have been more careful, she has to know we're a lesbian couple…a 'honeymoon' doesn't mean two friends hanging out.

Casey starts to help me put the game away and when I lock eyes with her she bursts out laughing. Long, uncontrollable laughter. The kind that makes you have to sit down because it's taking over your body and you can't do anything else. She falls into the nearest chair at the table and buries her face in her arm, her entire body wracked with laughter.

I can't help but release a small smile as I see Marta turn around and look at us from the living room. She can no doubt hear Casey laughing and I'd love to be able to hear her thoughts. The look she gives me before she begins her cleaning is a little…judgmental.

"Casey," I say quietly, trying to hold back my own laughter. I can feel it coming. I'm starting to see the humor in what just happened. "Casey, stop it. Help me get this game put away and let's go to the bedroom."

She finally lifts her head and looks at me. She's still laughing, and her face is red and she actually has tears running down her cheeks. She manages to get up out of her chair and help me gather the rest of the game. We leave the box on the table and make our way quickly towards the bedroom.

We almost make it before I finally lose it – almost. We're a few feet from the door when Casey stops laughing long enough to say – in a _perfect _imitation of Marta – "That for bedroom. I must do my job."

I can't take it anymore. I completely fall apart before we even reach the door. My laughter is even louder than Casey's and once we reach the bedroom, we fall into a heap of giggles and immaturity on the marshmallow bed.

We're both lying on our back staring at the white ceiling, trying to regain our composure. My ribs actually hurt from my laughing fit and I start to cough.

"Going to make it, blondie?" Casey quips, grabbing me and pulling me close to her and guiding my head to her chest. She starts to run her fingers through my hair and I close my eyes and savor her touch.

"I can't believe that happened. And I can't believe you started to laugh," I finally say.

"So did you!"

"Only because you did first."

"The look on her face was priceless. She's probably going to quit her job after this. And she'll forever tell her friends and family about this crazy American lesbian couple that were about to have sex on the floor of the kitchen when she walked in."

"Were we about to have sex?" I ask, already knowing the answer. "We've been married a week already…are we still that spontaneous?"

"We probably have a couple more days of it," Casey says jokingly and I get goosebumps as I feel her soft fingers graze my scalp. "And don't worry, babe – what happens in Costa Rica, stays in Costa Rica."

I like the sound of that. And I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

* * *

><p>The next day brings sunshine and warm air, so Casey and I take the local taxi service to the nearby outdoor marketplace.<p>

There seems to be some type of festival going on. It's really like a large glorified flea market. Booths are set up housing crafts and paintings and fresh produce. People of all ages are tending the booths – even children. One child in charge of a produce booth doesn't look more eight years old.

It's really hot today. We've been walking around hand in hand less than a half hour and I'm already sweating through my light tank top. And having a mini-backpack singed across my shoulders doesn't help either.

Casey and I agreed to stay together. We're in a very safe part of Costa Rica, but we're still women and we're still Americans. Both desired and easy targets. Every day you hear about Americans coming up missing on trips to Central American. We're better off being safe than sorry.

Casey pulls on my hand, signaling she wants stop in front of a homemade jewelry booth. She starts to admire the beautifully crafted bracelets. They have all sizes and colors. Some are beaded, some are leather and some have charms dangling from them. Casey seems to be drawn to a turquoise color beaded bracelet. She picks it up and tries it on under the watchful eye of the teenaged booth operator. As if she's going to steal it.

It fits her perfectly and goes together well with the red tank and dark denim capris she chose to wear today. "That's cute," I tell her with a smile.

She looks up from the bracelet, a hint of sentimentally in her eyes. "It reminds me of one my mother had years ago. She used to like to go to arts and crafts shows. One time she bought a bracelet almost exactly like this. I remember it so vividly because I always wanted it. I must have been about twelve or thirteen. She wore it often and I'd nag her to death asking for it. She'd always tell me no, that she would give it to me one day when I was older and had a better sense of value and taking care of things." She's running her thumb along the bracelet as she speaks. "And then one day I stole it from my mom's jewelry box. I don't know why; I guess I thought I would be a rebel and wear it while I was still young and careless. I wore it to school and at some point during the day it was lost. I remember coming home in tears and telling my mom what had happened. I don't think I was crying for the bracelet really; I was crying more for the fact that I went behind my mother's back and did something she didn't want me to do. And mom was upset with me. She appreciated me being honest…but I still got punished. And that disappointed look on my mom's face stuck with me for a long time."

I feel my heart doing flip-flops as Casey concludes her story. There are tears shining in her eyes as she gazes admiringly at the bracelet.

I know I have to buy it for her. I catch the attention of the booth operator to ask him how much for the bracelet. Casey's look of wonder as I speak fluent Spanish to him is adorable. I don't think she was aware that I know Spanish.

The bracelet is a bit pricey for what it is, but I don't care. Casey is more than worth it. I pay the man, completely ignoring Casey as she tells me I don't have to buy it. After I've completed my sale, I turn around and sling my arm around Casey's shoulders. "I _know _I didn't have to buy it…I wanted to."

Casey is still looking at it as we walk towards the next booth. "I didn't mean to make you feel guilty…"

"I know. But it was a sweet story." A grin spreads across my face as I think of the perfect thing to say now. "Even if I did just find out my Casey was a little Klepto."

My insult wins me a jab in the side from Casey's elbow. I guess I deserve that so I let it go without retaliation.

"I didn't know my wife could speak Spanish…" Casey says, raising an eyebrow.

"Is it sexy?" I ask.

She raises them again. "_Very_."

We pass a couple more booths but don't pay them much attention. We're too busy chattering away about how much fun we're going to have on our beach tonight. And Casey is distracting me with her cuteness; she's wearing these adorable brown and pink sandals that she has to keep adjusting, and the look of sheer concentration on her face when she does so is indescribably adorable.

I know; I'm biased. I can't help it. I find everything about my wife cute.

The next booth we stop at houses paintings. Very good paintings, I may add. Most are still-life sunsets and beach scenes, but there are some of animals as well. I love paintings. The talent and imagination behind them impresses me.

I take my time looking at every single one. Casey doesn't share my appreciation of art and I can tell she's growing bored, but she sticks by my side for my sake and endures this torture I inflict upon her.

"Do you see anything you want, baby?" she asks me sweetly, resting her chin on my shoulder and putting her eyes on the sunset painting I'm currently admiring. "Pick one out – I'll get it for you."

I smile at her. "Thanks. But I already have enough. I just like admiring them."

After a few minutes, Casey leans into me and says, "Do you mind if I check out the next booth? I saw something there that caught my eye when I walked by."

I'm immediately on alert. We had promised not to separate. I let my eyes wander to the booth we just passed. It's less than ten feet away. What could happen? We'll practically still be next to each other.

I give her my best serious expression. "Okay. Just be careful, all right? Don't let your mouth get you in trouble; use your filter. I'll meet you there in a minute."

She puts her hand to her forehead and salutes me with a cocky smile, and then disappears over to the next booth. I shake my head and go back to my paintings.

They're all so beautiful. I'd take them all home if I could. I'd love to have one room dedicated to all my art. I actually have a vast collection of paintings and sculptures that many people know about. Most of them are in boxes at my parent's house. I simply don't have room in my apartment. Maybe when Casey and I buy a house I can bring more of them out.

After a few minutes I finally peel myself away from the paintings. I feel badly leaving without buying one…but I really do have enough.

I wander over to the booth Casey went to with a sigh. My eyes are scanning the items as I approach it. It looks to be homemade purses and photo frames and such.

It's crowded at this one. I have to fight my way through the crowd towards the back of the display where I assume Casey is, since I don't see her out here in the front.

But I get to the back of the booth and find her not there, and my heart drops to my feet. I spin around in near-panic, scanning the crowd around me. She _has _to be here somewhere.

My heart is pounding in my chest and I feel sick as I head back towards the front of the booth. I keep telling myself that I overlooked her and she's probably standing there getting a good laugh at me running around crazy. But I don't find her there either. Ever face is a stranger.

I feel sick to my stomach as I call out her name, "Casey! Casey, where are you?"

I'm moving quickly now, in full panic mode. My breathing is actually becoming rapid. I don't remember ever being this scared. Scenarios from the movie "_Taken_" are playing through my mind at frantic speed. I never should have let her wander off on her own. What if someone has her in the back of an unmarked van right now, taking her somewhere to do unspeakable things to her?

I'm nearly in tears now. I'm standing in front of the booth, spinning around in all directions looking for Casey and she's nowhere to be found. I run my hand through my hair and desperately try to collect my thoughts.

And then a soft voice behind me says, "Alex? What's going on?"

I turn around and see Casey standing there. As calm as can be and unhurt. She has a confused look on her cute face, as if she has no clue that I've been running around looking for her.

I'm so relieved to see her that I let out a little half-cry half-cheer and throw my arms around her, squeezing her so tightly she actually whimpers. "God Casey, where did you go? I couldn't find you and I thought…I thought…" I can't get the words out. They're too unspeakable.

Casey hugs me back and I release my tight grip on her when I am satisfied that she's real and actually standing in front of me and not an apparition or figment of my imagination.

"Where did you go?" I demand again, my voice less panicked this time. I'm slowly calming down and my heartbeat is returning to normal.

"I walked over to the painting booth and you weren't there so I figured you were over here looking for me. I guess we just missed each other."

Such a simple explanation. Why hadn't I thought of that? Why did I jump to conclusions and panic the way I did?

I slowly release the breath I didn't even know I was holding and pick up Casey's hand. "God, Casey…I totally freaked. I thought someone abducted you."

Casey smiles and tries to make light of the situation. "Me? Come on. You know they'd bring me back."

I appreciate her making a joke, but it doesn't change the fact that I was scared to death. I love my wife so much that not being able to find her for two minutes nearly sent me into hysterics.

Casey seems to read from my body language that I'm still quite upset. Her smile fades and she drapes her arm around my shoulders. "I'm okay, Alex. I'm right here. Alive and annoying and everything you love about me."

I can't help but smile at that. I bury my head into Casey's shoulder and inhale her sweet perfume. She's wearing the perfume I like. The smell is so uniquely Casey; I've never smelled it on another person before.

After a few minutes, I take another deep breath. "Let's go get lunch and go back to the beach house. I've had enough excitement for the day."

* * *

><p>We head back to the beach house after a nice lunch on the outdoor deck of a nice little seafood café. I was served the best lobster I've ever had. It was delicious. And Casey? Well, Casey talked them into making her a grilled cheese. She won't touch anything having to do with seafood but insisted we go to the café anyway because I enjoy it so much. I don't think I'll ever stop making fun of Casey for ordering a grilled cheese at one of the best seafood joints in Costa Rica.<p>

"Look what I made," Casey calls to me from a few feet away.

I turn my head to the side and look at her. She's kneeling in front of a pretty elaborate sand castle, beaming at me proudly as if she just won first place in a contest with it. I don't make any attempt to get up and go look at it. I'm way too comfortable where I am.

I'm sitting in a beach chair on the sand of our private beach, armed with my sunglasses and lathered up with sunscreen. I'm not usually one who likes to sit and bask in the sun, but the bright warm rays feel good on me and it's so relaxing sitting here listening to the light waves lap at the shore and staring at the clear blue water.

When Casey realizes I'm not getting up to see her castle, she comes and stands in front of me, crossing her arms in front of her chest and pouting.

I can't help but smile at her. She's so beautiful. She bought a new bikini for our honeymoon that flatters her figure in a way that drives me wild. It's a yellow floral design and the bikini top is skimpy…I believe purposely so.

Her hair is still damp from our swim a few hours ago and it falls down her shoulders in in light curls. Casey's hair tends to be a little curly if she leaves it to air dry.

"Aren't you going to see the castle I built _just for you_?" she asks in a very whiny voice.

Those green eyes are breaking me down. I feel my resolve crumbling away. She's doing the bottom lip thing she always does when she wants her own way…knowing it breaks me every time.

I'm about to get up and give in when she comes over and sits right on my lap. She lies right against me and tucks her head under my chin, picking up a strand of my hair. "Please, wifey? I love you."

How in the world can I resist _that? _

"You smell like sunscreen," I tell her with a smile. "It's not becoming."

"So do you," she snaps back. "And you shouldn't be wearing any at all. You need some color. And I need to rub Aloe all over your naked body in a very sexy and seductive way."

My eyes widen at that suggestion. "All right…as long as Marta doesn't walk in on it."

I give Casey a quick kiss and demand she remove her cute boney butt from my lap. Once we're both up, we walk hand-in-hand over to where Casey has built her castle. She kneels again and pulls me down beside her.

"It looks like any other sand castle," I tell her, acting completely unimpressed.

"It's not. It's 'Casa Alex'."

I laugh at that. "Casa Alex, huh? What's so special about it?"

"There's a moat," she says, running her finger in the trench she dug around the castle. "Where poor unfortunate people who try to hit on my wife will perish." She gets a very serious look on her face. "There's crocodiles in the moat."

"Wow? Really?"

"Yep. And they're purposely kept hungry. And there's a drawbridge leading up to the castle…"

"Your drawbridge looks like a clump of moist sand," I point out, trying to hide the amusement in my voice.

"You're supposed to use your imagination, Alex," my wife scolds me. I apologize and she continues her explanation. "Anyway, the drawbridge is guarded by a very tough former Marine I hired to be our bodyguard."

"What's his name?"

"George." I laugh at the name she chooses. "He's very intimidating." Casey picks up my hand as she wraps up the castle tour. "And here, madam, is Casa Alex. I know it doesn't look like much, but in my head it's a six story Victorian castle with beautiful winding staircases and secret vaults. A dining room large enough for two hundred people and an indoor pool and hot tub. And there's also a game room on the first floor with a really big flatscreen and every game console imaginable…for the Queen's wife to occupy herself while the Queen reigns over her fair kingdom."

"Do the Queen and her wife live happily ever after?"

Casey's grin spreads ear to ear. "Of course. Because they have each other."

She's at it again. Being completely cute and sweet. I shoot her my best 'I love you' look and she lets go of my hand, turning her attention on the castle. Without warning she plunges her hand into it, completely obliterating the entire thing.

I gasp. "Casey! You destroyed Casa Alex!"

Then I see her remove something from the sandy remains of my castle. It takes me a few minutes to realize it's a plastic bag. She takes it out and brushes the sand off it.

"What's that? Did you put that in there?"

Casey rolls her eyes at me. "No. Someone came onto our private beach wearing an invisible shield and put it inside my castle while I was building it."

I laugh at myself. "Okay. Point taken. But what is that? Why did you put it in there?"

Casey shrugs, brushing more sand off the bag. "You know me. I like my surprises to be unique and special." She turns to me and hands me the plastic bag. I can feel something hard inside and it's tied tightly at the top to prevent sand leakage.

"Open it," Casey instructs eagerly and I can tell by the anxious look on her face that she's excited about this.

I carefully untie the bag, fully expecting a sarcastic comment from Casey about my opening style. She always nags at me that I open packages or gifts too daintily as opposed to her Tarzan approach of just ripping them open.

I finally get it open and reach inside and pull the object out. It's wrapped in white tissue paper which I carefully unwrap as well. Surprisingly Casey doesn't say anything about this either. She's still anxiously watching me to gauge my reaction when I see whatever is inside.

Finally, it's completely open. And I smile when I see what it is.

It's a medium-sized picture frame and a small zippered plastic bag containing some kind of bracelet. I open that first. It's a really beautiful silver charm bracelet with one charm hanging off it – a ring charm.

Casey slides up next to me, taking the bracelet out of my hand. "I bought this before we left on our honeymoon. It's a life stage charm bracelet. You get a charm representing every stage of your life as it happens. The ring signifies marriage. They also have house charms so I'll get that for you after we get our house. There are all kinds of charms you can get." Casey puts the bracelet on me and I choke back tears. It's so beautiful and thoughtful. Once she has it fastened on me, she smiles at her handiwork. "A perfect fit. Do you like it?"

I respond by giving her a deep kiss. "I _love _it. It's beautiful, just like my wife." I look at her bracelet I had bought at the market. "Now we both have bracelets to wear every day."

My attention is on the picture frame now. It's really pretty; a light blue color with objects representing the beach all around it. Casey takes it in her hands and begins explaining it to me. "I saw this at the market. At that booth I went back to when you thought I had been abducted." She laughs a little at that but I don't find it funny at all. When she sees I'm not laughing, she goes back to being serious right away. "I know we have frames at home for our wedding photos but I thought this would be perfect for your office because it represents our honeymoon at the beach. You can have our wedding photo inside surrounded by scenes from our honeymoon in Costa Rica. I know it's not the most expensive frame…we have all those beautiful gold and silver ones at home…but I thought it was cute and kind of perfect. If you don't want to use it, it's okay."

Casey thinks I don't like it because it's not insanely expensive or made of gold; but she's wrong. It_ is_ perfect, and I love it. I will proudly display it on my desk at work so I can look at it every day.

"Remember what I told you before about that other frame I gave you?" she asks, locking her eyes on mine. She runs her finger over the glass on the frame. "It's just a frame until our picture is trapped under that glass. And then it becomes a storyteller. It then holds all the memories and love contained within the picture it displays. Beneath this glassy surface our love will be intact and whole – forever."

"Oh Casey, that's so beautiful. Of course I'll use it; I love it," I tell her, tears in my eyes. She smiles at me and leans in for a sweet, gentle kiss. Some of her lip gloss rubs off on me and I run my tongue on my lips to get it off after she pulls away. "You're wearing that lip gloss I like."

"I know," Casey states matter-of-factly. She gets comfortable in the sand next to me. "Isn't this beach beautiful? Beautiful and private…"

She says that with a hint of mystique, so I raise my eyebrows at her questioningly. "What have you got going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

That look she's giving me now means only one thing – trouble.

Instead of answering right away, she stands up and pulls me to my feet beside her. She still has that mysterious look on her face as she says, "Let's skinny dip."

I start laughing. "Really, Casey? We did that already – at my parent's house."

"Yes. And it was fun, wasn't it? Well this is a different venue. And it's our honeymoon. We absolutely must do something nuts…to make up for us not having a bachelorette party."

I'm actually considering the idea. The water is beautiful, warm and clean. The beach is private so there's no chance of anyone seeing us. Marta has already come by for the day. We'd be in the clear. And what could it hurt, really?

I grin ear to ear and respond to Casey by taking my bikini top off and tossing it several feet away into the sand. Casey smiles at what she's looking at and then removes her own top and bottom. She takes a step towards me seductively and I feel my breath hitch in my throat; God she's breathtaking. Her body is _perfect_.

"Stop staring; it's impolite," Casey teases, her mouth right to my ear. She nibbles on the lobe and I let out a small groan as she moves her hand down towards my hips. She fingers my bikini bottom. "This needs to come off."

"I require assistance," I rush out.

"Okay. Then let me help you." She slides the bottom down until it's bunched at my feet. I step out of it and kick it away. Then I pull Casey's body to mine, rubbing my hand over that tattoo I love and holding her. "I think you had it wrong with the castle – I think _you _are the Queen."

Casey kisses me on my neck, and then pulls away just as I'm getting aroused. She grabs my hand and tugs me towards the pure blue water. "Come on, babe. The water is calling us."

"But I want your body," I whine to her as she drags me into the water.

"You can have it later."

The water is nearly as warm as a hot tub, but I don't care. It's still refreshing and submerging myself in it feels good. We wade out until we're a little more than waist deep. And then Casey falls right into it, taking me with her.

We're both laughing as we break the surface of the water. We're drenched already. But does either of us care? No.

I get this impulse and I start to thrash around, purposely splashing Casey in the face. She shrieks and starts to splash me back. Soon we're trying to outdo each other with our splashes, and giggling like two teenage girls sitting on a bed looking through a teen magazine.

"I was a better prosecutor than you," Casey says, just to get me to splash harder. I happily oblige and give her a face full of blue water for that comment.

"Well I'm better at your stupid Mario Kart game than you," I taunt her. She gasps and opts to introduce a new play to our act; holding me down underwater. She keeps me there for a few seconds, and when I pop back up I'm ready for revenge. "You are _so _paying for that No – " I almost call her Novak, and Casey notices. "_Cabot_," I quickly correct, liking the way it sounds.

"Catch me," Casey teases in a sing-song voice, and then takes off for the shore. It's hard to run in the water but I nearly catch up to her as she reaches the sand. But I don't quite make it and I fall down onto my knees.

Casey turns around and points at me, laughing. "Looks like I swept you off your feet again!"

I shoot her a look and she stands perfectly still, allowing me to capture her. She gives me a tight hug and I whisper to her, "I love you."

"I love you too," she quickly answers. "So, so much. I'm so happy we're here together. I'm so happy to be your wife."

I feel the unfightable urge to show Casey how much I love her right here and right now. So I push her down onto the sand. She hits a little harder than I wanted her to and starts to ask what I'm doing, but I get down on top of her before she can form the question.

We don't do anything at first; we just lay there looking at each other, Casey underneath me. I'm stroking Casey's forehead gently and she's nuzzling my hand. "You have made me the happiest woman on this planet. Actually, happiest in the universe. I don't tell you that enough, Casey."

She smiles and rubs my arm. "Yes you do. I know how you feel. I feel the same way."

"Let's take each other here, right now. Sand and all. I can't think of a more beautiful place than this."

Casey eyes are filling with tears. "Neither can I," she says, barely above a whisper. "Let's do it. Show me how much I mean to you."

I start out with Casey's breasts, fondling and kissing them. This always arouses her pretty quickly. She's lying back enjoying what I'm giving to her, completely relaxed. But that changes when I slide my hand between her thighs. This time I don't tease. I go right for her sweet spot, using two fingers. She closes around me and moans the entire time I'm fingering her. I start to get really aggressive with my fingers, and it causes Casey to get more vocal.

"God, Alex…I..can't…take…it….anymore!" she manages to get out between moans, but I know that she can and she wants to.

I keep my fingers inside and start kissing my way up her hips and stomach. She's still moaning and crying my name, and it's music to my ears. The more noise she makes, the more I know she enjoys this. She suddenly grabs the back of my head and shoves my face into her breasts, so I give her what she wants. I kiss around them in a circular pattern, and let my tongue trace around the curves.

"Oh my God…Alex…Alex…"

Once she reaches her climax, she's actually sobbing in pleasure, begging me not to stop. Her breathing becomes more rapid I feel her tighten even more around my fingers. She's clawing wildly at the sand, so I take one of her hands in my free one and kiss the top of it.

She's able to take nearly twenty minutes of me pleasuring her until she pulls me down against her, signaling she's had all she can take. She's breathing heavily and shining with sweat and repeats over and over that she loves me.

I remove my fingers from inside her. It slides out easily thanks to Casey's juices.

It always takes Casey several minutes to come back down after sex. I kiss her neck again and I'm able to feel her pulse there; her heart is beating _very_ rapidly. I know she needs to calm down before we go any further.

I lay there beside her, talking to her and stroking her while her heartbeat returns to normal and her breathing evens out. When she's able to speak, she says, "That was wonderful."

A few minutes later it's my turn. I'm surprised Casey has any strength left at all, but somehow she manages to roll on top of me. She's full of sand and I feel it cascading down on my naked body, but I don't care.

Casey begins a little differently than normal. She gently forces my legs apart and instead of sliding her hand between them, she lowers her face to my core. Her hair brushes against my inner thighs and I feel myself stiffen, anticipating the pleasure I'm about to feel.

She kisses the inside of my thighs, wanting to tease me first. But it feels so good I don't complain. The inside of my thighs are so sensitive that even her touching them nearly sends me into an orgasm. She makes sure she's kissed each side equally, and then moves back to my core.

I wait for it, and when it happens, it feels better than I remember. Casey starts to suck on me, and I completely lose it. It's all over at this point. She makes me reach my climax in a fraction of the time it took me to make her reach hers.

I'm a pretty good vocalist when it comes to sex too, and I give Casey a run for her money here. I moan out her name and every sentiment I can think of while she continues to pleasure me for several minutes, moving up my body when she's finished with my lower region. She plays with my breasts in the same fashion I played with hers, and then starts to lick and suck on my neck.

I'm probably going to have an old-fashioned hickey. Alex Cabot is going to have to hide a hickey. But I don't care; I'm going to wear it as proudly as Casey wears that tattoo.

By the time Casey has finished with me, neither of us has an ounce of strength left. She rolls off me and collapses by my side as I struggle to catch my breath and lower my heart rate.

"That was perfect Casey…I – I'm so exhausted…" I manage to get out.

Casey rolls over so she's facing me and pulls me to her. I rest my head on her stomach and she strokes my hair. "I love you, wifey."

"I love you too. Can we stay here like this forever? Can we put this under that glassy surface too?"

"Sounds perfect to me," Casey agrees, sighing and closing her arms around me.

And then we fall asleep there on our beach, naked in each other's arms. Not a single care or worry. It's just us in this moment of time…trapped under this glassy surface of happiness forever.

**THE END**

**So...you like it? Ended on a good note. Hope you enjoyed the epilogue. I'm especially curious as to what everyone thinks of the cute shirts. That was just a last minute idea I had :) Leave me a review and let me know what you think!  
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**I also want to thank Stussy, iTrick, Tripperz, steple, Surfrider, Nobot4life, Wigler, CaseLex-4-ever, Butterscotch, Lexie, Mackster, Cavak and everyone else who reviewed nearly every chapter. Thank you for making me feel good about my work!  
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**The first chapter of the sequel will be posted within a week or so. It's going to be told from the alternating POVs of Alex and Casey. I am doing this because it's a story that needs to be told from both of their eyes. And I've also started work on another AC story called "These Crashing Seas" that will be updated frequently as well. Chapter 1 is already up and chapter 2 will be posted in the next couple of days. If you haven't checked it out yet, you can find it by clicking on my username  
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